Those Who Can't (2016) s01e01 Episode Script

1 - [School bell rings.]
- Andy: Honor.
Integrity.
Courage under fire.
This is all stuff you kids are gonna learn today in do oh! [Laughter.]
Okay, Bryce.
That's what we call a textbook cheap shot.
You might not find me such an easy target when I'm actually rea [laughter.]
Okay, everybody gets two freebies.
Yours have just expired.
Oh! All right, game on.
We ain't wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work till my day is through [Groans.]
Bloody nose on the first day? Yep, Bryce got me with a few cheap shots.
Cheap shots directly to your face? [Chuckling.]
Yeah.
You got to learn to stand up for yourself, Fairbell.
Zero tolerance for bullies.
I know.
That's why I'm gonna TP his house in the dead of the night.
Yes.
'Cause who doesn't have a curfew? - You? - Me that's right.
Hey, look at Mr.
Big Time.
I'm in.
- I'll bring eggs.
- Yeah.
Or or perhaps we could all try being a little more mature this year.
Yeah, like you don't want to TP some kid's house.
The old Shoemaker would have.
And the old Shoemaker would've taken his house off the foundation and moved it a few lots down.
- That was a great night.
- That was a great night.
But my wife and I had a conversation over the summer.
Oh, she told you what to do again.
We had a conversation about how perhaps I should start acting a little more professional this year.
- [Chuckles.]
- Is that why you're dressed like a Pallbearer at Maroon 5's funeral? Well, if it isn't Mr.
Classy himself.
Hey, remind me again what war you're a veteran of, Rod.
Hey, I was calling in air strikes on the highway of death when you were still jacking your dink to J.
C.
Penny catalogues, son.
Son? You and I are the same age.
I got to take this.
Rod, I think we've already established - that that's not an actual - Hello? Oh, allow me.
Allow me.
- No, really, you don't have to.
- No, it's all good.
The best part is there's no strings attached on that.
Really? 25 cents towards a package of red vines.
I feel like such a lady.
Well, you're welcome.
Although, to be honest, I have certain expectations that i Loren, am I your only female friend? Wait, are you putting me in the friendzone? - There's no such thing as a friendzone.
- Yes, there is.
I read about it on the side of my axe body wash.
It was all, "don't get put in the friendzone.
" You spit on me a little bit.
- [School bell rings.]
- [Sighs.]
Once more into the breach.
Oh, muchachos, it's pronounced Ma-dreed.
Okay? Not Madrid.
I don't need to hear that "th.
" You know, looking around the room, I see a lot of native speakers, and that's great, but in Mr.
Payton's class, we speak the Queen's Spanish, all right? And that means vosotros.
Student: You're the Queen, mariposa.
- [Laughter.]
- Okay.
Believe I just heard somebody call me a butterfly.
So, grathias.
I will silence no opinions in here.
Not like they silence the opinions of innocent leaders like Sacco and Vanzetti, o-or Samuel Gompers.
Wikipedia says that Sacco and Vanzetti were murderers.
Members of the IWW, all the way up to those battling present-day anti-union initiatives in their own states.
Welcome to the People's History.
[School bell rings.]
Abbey, there you are.
Okay, just to clarify on this whole friendzone thing Oh, my god, Loren.
No, no, no, hear me out.
It's good.
Friends can still shower together, right? Okay, I would love to sit and mansplain friendship to you, but just because you have no pride in your occupation doesn't mean that I don't.
Okay, so you're admitting it's your occupation now.
'Cause that's real progress for you.
I mean, for now.
I'm just in between opportunities.
Opportunities, like when you ran off to Alaska halfway through last school year to work on that crabbing boat? It was a salmon boat and I was deeply in love.
That's a really safe choice.
Guys that work on boats aren't running from anything.
What about when you were like, uh like a witch for babies? - Uh, you mean a doula? - Yes, doula.
- How'd that work out? - [Scoffs.]
You shove one know-it-all doctor, and suddenly you're the "Shoving Doula.
" Look, I got a lot of work to do, and right now, that means - de-dicking these library books.
- Good for you.
Looks like you've gotten rid of a lot of dicks already.
Yeah, all but one.
- I walked right into that.
- [Laughs.]
I'm so off my game this year.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Me.
- Congrats on your sweet dis.
- Thank you.
[Laughter.]
Oh, swing and a miss, Loren.
Hey, you ever think maybe you're batting for the wrong team? You know what they say.
The most homophobic people are the ones trying hardest to cover up their own latent homosexuality, so good luck with that, boys.
I heard that people that lecture the most about sexuality are the people that never get laid.
- All right, you listen here, Bryce.
- Mm-hmm.
I've had more action than you've had wet dreams about, bro, so why don't you call me when your right testicle descends? It shouldn't be that hard to find me.
They just look for the biggest cabin on Pussy Lake, bitch.
Yeah, you, too, tall bitch.
Some for you, too, quiet bitch.
Principal Quinn, hey.
How long have you been standing there? Long enough to pretend I didn't just hear all that.
That's cool.
I'm pretending I didn't just say all that.
- Let's have a chat right over here.
- Yeah.
- What do you say? - Yeah.
- Yeah, all right.
- Come on over.
[Chuckles.]
Now, Loren, I know that you look at me and you see this cool Colorado guy, sure.
- Yeah.
- Yes, I'm a class-4 river guide.
Yes, I play mandolin in a bluegrass band.
I'm not sure I'd call it a band.
- You know, here's the thing.
- Yeah.
- When I look at you - Uh-huh.
I see this cloud of negative energy.
I see it on your face right now, okay? And this year, I have a plan.
I want to grab that negative energy and I want to churn it.
I want to churn it into some positive ice cream, okay? Yeah, ok all right.
You are one of the most gifted teachers I've ever seen in my entire life.
There's no way that's true.
How do we make it true? Effort We bring it together.
- We start to focus, okay? - Yeah, yeah.
Now, you know as well as I do, every year the district makes me cut teachers.
- I don't want to do it.
- No.
- But I have to.
- Okay.
We're friends.
I want to stay that way.
I wouldn't say we're friends.
Best friends I don't care.
Whatever you want to call it Pals, chums, buds, whatever it is.
We're friendly? What do friendly people do? I'll tell you what they do.
They hug.
Get your hands up.
Police coming in.
Police.
It's me.
It's me, Quinn.
- It's not police.
- Geoff, I don't - Coming in.
- I don't think friendly's hug, man.
Shh, it's a tough first day.
I'm not gonna lie.
I'm right there with you.
Recharge.
Really good.
Yeah, really good.
I'm putting you on detention duty.
- I'm so sorry.
- Yeah.
All right.
I'm not talking to you.
Yes.
Guess who got me in trouble at the library.
- Bryce.
- [Groans.]
We should get that dude, set the tone for this year.
Well, whatever the plan is, I'm on board.
I like that enthusiasm.
You want in on this, Shoemaker A little revenge on an entitled prick? You know, why don't you try acting like role models for once? Bryce: I'm not gonna ask you again! Oh, do you hear that? You know what that sounds like? That sounds like duty calling.
Ooh, tough guy Tattoos are coming out.
You know what you are? You're a little cricket on a hook.
- I'm a fish.
- Get out of here.
- And I'm gonna eat you - Okay, hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Break it up.
You two, stay here.
Everybody get to Get to class.
Let's go! Listen, Bryce, you're kind of a leader around here, right? Mnh-mnh.
So, why don't we try being a leader to our peers and showing a little more respect, okay.
Now, I want you to apologize to this nerd.
Yeah, okay, Mr.
Shoemaker, I know you read some pamphlet on bonding so you feel like you're effective as a mentor.
Putting your hands on a student's against the smoot code of ethics.
How's it going, new you? Listen.
I feel like I should be leveling with you right now.
I want you to know my wife is really on my back.
You know, she's been making me go to couple's therapy and she found the guy, and I think they used to date, which seems like a gross conflict of interest.
But that's neither here nor there.
Point is I am hanging on by a very thin thread.
So, please apologize in front of my friends or I will break your legs.
Jesus! All right.
Yeah, I didn't know any of that stuff.
Hey, I'm sorry.
No hard feelings, huh? We cool? Now get to class.
[Locker closes.]
That's it you have to demand respect with these kids.
You have to walk the walk.
Cool Pantera lyrics, bro.
Yeah.
Wow.
Again, I didn't need you to chime in there.
- I had it covered.
- What? No, they are cool lyrics.
"Jock Jams 4"? "Jock Jams 4" sucked.
"Jock James 5" was the ish.
Billy, shut up.
Bryce: [In distance.]
Hey, Shoemaker! What is that? Oh, you bastards.
[Laughter.]
Billy: All right, you little asshats! Hey, Mr.
Shoemaker.
I want you to apologize in front of my friends.
You think I'm afraid of a little paintball action? Holy hell that hurts! Uh No.
No, no, no, no, no, no! No! [Dramatic music plays.]
[Distorted laughter.]
Loren: Dude, this went viral 100,000 views.
And watch, if you can hear, he actually starts crying a little bit.
[Applause.]
[Laughter.]
Yes.
Ow! Trouble at home, Shoemaker? You're on his internet.
All right, let's get this kid.
That's what I'm talking about.
Here's what we've been working on.
What's the one thing lacrosse players can't do? Have consensual sex.
Yes, and drugs.
Are you saying that we put drugs in a student's locker? I like it.
Thank you.
Now, who's getting the drugs? I have a plan.
That's adorable.
Whatever keeps you busy.
I guess I could get some drugs.
They were around a lot when I was in the punk scene.
Kind of ruined it for me.
I remember yeah, I'm gonna cut this long, boring story short.
We meet back here tomorrow morning, see who got drugs.
- All right.
- Crew's really coming back together.
- Yeah.
- It's like that song, huh? Like [Imitates guitar riff.]
The boys are comin' together [high-pitched voice.]
Boys are comin' together [normal voice.]
And when they come, they come loud - The boys are coming to - You don't know that song? When they come, they come loud.
All right, I'm gonna get out of here for this.
Lady tariffs, let's start practice off today with some real talk.
It's about an idea that I came up with called trust.
Five letters, okay? "T" Trust That one's easy.
"R" Responsibility.
"S" Service.
"U" Understanding.
"T" Trust again.
It's that important.
It's in there twice.
It's super important that I can trust you and that you can trust me, okay? Which is why, today, surprise, it's a pee test.
Looking for performance-enhancing drugs.
Coach, I can't do that today.
- I have lady problems.
- [Scoffs.]
I think everyone in this gym has had lady problems, little Debbie.
I'm not worried about you anyway.
Thanks, Coach.
Take that for you.
Oof! - [Chuckling.]
- Oh, natural gifts.
The rest of you I'm concerned about, okay? Line it up.
Let's get filling.
Kids, I want you to think of detention as an opportunity, okay? An opportunity for the goth chick with dandruff to hook up with the jock.
An opportunity for the dangerous heartthrob to get to know the popular girl who's also kind of a bitch a lot of the time.
An opportunity for Anthony Michael Hall to look remarkably like Anthony Michael Hall.
But most importantly, an opportunity to rid yourselves of all the drugs you have on your person before I search every one of your backpacks at the end of detention.
Yeah, see, kids, this is what we call a drug bucket.
- [Slams bucket.]
- I'm gonna go for a walk.
How about you guys fill up the drug bucket? [Snores.]
Carol, the point of a bake sale committee is to vote on who's gonna be in charge of what things.
They decide when we're gonna have bake sales.
You don't get to always do Nothing's going on! Still fighting the good fight, sisyphus? I'm sorry it's not as important as hitting up kids for drugs.
You make it sound like I'm looking for drugs for my own personal use.
I'm not.
I'm trying to get drugs to plant on Bryce.
There's a difference.
Do you hear yourself? I mean, whatever Bryce did to you, nothing oh, my shit.
I mean, I could deal with "Catcher in the Rye.
" I could even deal with the bible.
But dicking "Sweet Valley High," I mean Let me look at that dick.
What are the odds? This is a Bryce piece all the way.
- What? Bullshit.
- Bull true.
Curved shaft, three hairs on the nut sack.
Also he signed it "turn down for Bryce.
" That's his tag.
It's pretty cool.
It's all over the school.
- I'm surprised you haven't seen it.
- God damn it.
- I'm gonna erase his dick.
- No, no, no, no, no.
No, you won't do anything, all right? Subtlety's not exactly your strong point, Shoving Doula.
Let me handle this.
Okay.
I'll come up with my own plan, but Bryce has messed with the wrong librarian.
Yeah, that sounds like the worst action movie of all time.
I'm gonna get back to my drug bucket.
All right? And that bucket better be full.
Look at this.
This is where Daddy used to play.
"We will drink!" "We will" Doors open at 7:00.
Oh, hey, sorry, yeah, no, I'm just trying to show my kid my roots.
- That's awesome.
- Look at that.
You can't bring a kid in here either.
I couldn't find a sitter.
You know, I used to play here back in '99 when I played in a band called Capitalist Emulsification.
Psych Ward Shoemaker? - Tetanus? - Yeah! Wow, man! Look at you! You must've lost, like, 300 pounds.
Massive coke habit.
It's done great things.
Thanks, man.
All right, all right, man.
Absolutely pathetic.
Want to buy drugs in front of your kid? Get out of here! I was being ironic.
I would never actually buy drugs in front of you, kiddo.
[Scoffs.]
What is that? What is that? Move your arm out of the way.
Move your arm.
Give me that.
Oh, have you been pickpocketing again? - Sorry.
- What have I told you? This is other people's property.
You got his keys and his phone and his wallet and this little [Gasps.]
What is that? Oh, that's the saddest little birthday balloon ever, and don't you ever touch stuff like this.
No.
Now let's go get you an ice cream.
- Yes! - Come on.
It's like you're drinking out of my ass.
- They're coming.
- In disguise.
Here we go, Mike.
Go ahead and open up Bryce's locker for me there.
- Whoa! - What? That is not mine.
Well, they just came out of your locker.
Literally every single pill I've ever seen in my entire life.
Bryce, what is Women's multi vitamins? You don't need these kind of drug What is that? Bryce, is that black tar heroin? - What? - Bryce, look me in the face.
Is that heroin? I don't know what heroin looks like.
Billy: Uh-oh, guys.
That looks like a schedule 1 controlled substance on school property.
That's an automatic academic and athletic suspension, if I'm not mistaken, of course.
Yeah, remember you told us in the parking lot.
[Gagging.]
Guys, look, I have no idea how that got in there.
Well, we are gonna go to my office and we are gonna sort it out right now, aren't we? Lead the way.
Hasta luego, Bryce.
Yeah, Bryce.
Heads up.
Ah! [Inhales sharply.]
Fairbell! - Get over here right now! - I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- What was that? I was supposed to hit him.
I was aiming at him.
Oh, well, your aim is horrific.
I have to look cool in front of these kids, okay? - You do look cool.
- Do you mean that? Yeah, you have, like, a button.
I get hit all the time and everyone thinks I look cool.
Well, I wouldn't totally disagree with hey! No! No, no, no, no, no! Both of you stop it right now.
Get your tie out of your mouth.
This is going down in history as a ridiculous day.
Here's what's gonna happen.
We're gonna go up to my office, I'm gonna deal with Bryce here, and then I'm gonna deal with you three children, okay? Now, Bryce, lead the way.
You're the best looking.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Tammy: You see, that's the problem.
You all act like children.
Now you're in charge of children.
Hey, Tammy, did I ever tell you I value the opinion of a Chili's waitress more than the garbage that comes out of your face? - Oh, hello.
Okay.
- Oh, hello to you.
- Let's go.
- Tammy! Tammy! Tammy! Tammy! - I'm not afraid of you, Tammy.
- What?! You better put your boy on a leash or I'll find all your asses out in the parking lot.
- I'm real scared.
- You better be.
Chill.
You three, in my office right now.
- Quinn will see you now.
- You serve an invaluable function, Tammy.
What you oh, you better get your ass up in there, boy.
- Loren, get in here.
- Missed.
Geoffrey: Leave Tammy alone.
So, how long is Bryce suspended for? Two weeks? And he can't ever play lacrosse again, right? Here's an idea.
How about the three of you start to focus on yourselves Oh, come on.
Rather than Bryce Chastain? Don't tell me he got off, Geoffrey.
Students' actions have to have consequences, Geoffrey.
You see what's in my hand here? This is a check for $5,000 from Bryce Chastain Sr.
Made out to Reed Smoot High School.
You took a bribe.
I did not take a bribe.
- Yes, you did.
- It's a coincidence.
His dad wanted to make a donation.
You took it in 'cause you're spineless.
I am spinefull.
Say that I am spinefull.
You take it back.
Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi- yi-yi-yi-yi yiyi-yi-yi-yi.
[Breathes deeply.]
I do not think that Bryce Chastain is doing heroin.
And if I were to find out that three teachers planted heroin in his locker, I would have to f-word them.
You're gonna f-word us? Yes.
I guess if somebody's got to go first, I can go.
Fire The word is fire, Fairbell.
God, I didn't now.
I think all three of you have a class to get to, so Let's get to it.
Thank you for not f-wording us, you coward.
Get the fuck out of my office.
Ah.
[Whistle blows.]
What's up, Coach? Lady tariffs, go ahead and take a knee.
Let's have some share time.
[Sighs.]
I'm sorry for the grumps.
I just came from getting my a-hole chewed on by the big man 'cause I tried to stick up for myself for once and I failed As usual.
I guess the Bryce Chastains of the world win every time.
Oh.
- [Sniffles.]
- I'm sorry.
That was a little bit of an over share.
I do have some of your drug test results here.
Thank you for being honest.
None of you are on performance-enhancing drugs, but, uh, cindy, you need to start drinking some more water, okay? That sample was pretty thick.
Uh, Laney, you're hypoglycemic.
I don't know either.
[Chuckles.]
Beth, congrats, you're pregnant.
I don't know if you knew that or not.
Okay, eyes up here, Lady Tarrifs.
That information is confidential, okay? It's between Beth and her doctor, me, and now all of you, okay? All right, let's warm up.
Beth, I want you working double time.
You're playing for two now.
I have a feeling this is gonna be pretty satisfying.
Oh, oh.
There they come.
Why are they going across Oh! Bryce: No, no, no! Natural gifts.
Loren: Ants on a wasp.
Did you have another over share? Hey, that gym is my confessional booth, okay? Oh, it's Quinn.
Get off of him, Lady Tarrifs! Get out of there! Get off of him! Get out of there, Debbie! Yah, yah, yah! He's he's looking.
- Oh, oh! - Stay down.
Loren: Close it, Fairbell.
Close it.
Yeah, I'm sure he's not gonna notice that.
- Come on.
Hold onto the cord, idiot.
- It's sticking! He's not gonna see that at all.
We're gonna get so many written warnings.
Relax, it's not illegal to watch kids fight.
I'm not afraid of Quinn.
Yeah, me neither.
All right, keep your back low.
Come on.
- [Chuckling.]
- There's no way you clowns make it to the end of the year.
How'd your plan go? Perfectly until Quinn messed everything up.
[Chuckles.]
I have a feeling Bryce got what he deserved.
[Horn honks.]
Oh, baby, who did this to you? Who did this? No! No! No! No! No! No! My bitchin' Camaro! [Laughs.]
Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
How's it going there, red? Better Now.
Mmm.
Yeah, it's gin and Mr.
Pibb.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
It tastes like it.