Threesome (2011) s01e01 Episode Script

Okay, let's play.
Where do we wanna be in a year? Lying in bed drinking tea with my lady.
Oh, perfection.
Okay, me.
So long as there is great music, fine tequila and a well-stocked dressing-up box, I am blissfully content.
Hmm.
Mitch, how about you? I was thinking about climbing the Himalayas.
Or trekking the Amazon? Mmm.
What did you think when you thought about that? I thought I'll probably stay in bed.
Ugh.
Ugh.
Ah, last night was fun, wasn't it? Mmm.
Bloody hell, I was pissed.
What was that club we ended up in, with all the candles and the men in dresses? Eh, so the cathedral? They have a drag night? No.
Sunday morning Eucharist.
Coming! Lovely boy.
I think he's Polish.
Can't understand a word, but he's great with his hands.
I haven't abandoned you.
I popped upstairs to talk about you.
I love our little life, just me and my girl.
And our gay You know, he's had a different nationality every night this week.
- Mmm.
- He's like a randy Ban Ki-moon.
Bonky Ban-ki.
Wanky bonky Ban-ki.
Jesus, it is so hot when you make jokes about secretary generals of the United Nations.
- Ravish me.
- Oh, I will.
Right up the Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
Ooh.
Keys, keys, keys, keys, keys, keys, keys Bill, bill, bill.
Brochure for a stairlift.
Bill.
It's good to see we're ticking the boxes for the rich, crippled demographic.
Oh, bit of a breakfast disaster, we're out of milk.
- Three, two, one - Mmm.
- Yes! - I want a re-count.
Big night tonight, people.
It's gonna be epic.
Can't wait.
I'll get my coat.
Don't worry, you sit there.
I only have to be in work in 10 minutes but it's okay, I'll get the milk.
You chose paper, Alice! Respect the system.
Morning.
Morning, mate.
Breakfast? Honey Puffs.
Like, for children.
Yeah, they're for his special new friends.
We get through a lot of boxes.
Oh, there's no milk so it's a bit dry.
Sorry.
To impending special birthdays.
Thirty! It's not fair, why do I have to be the first to go? And look at the two of you, 29 forever and ever.
We're right behind you, sweetheart.
Thirty and it's game over.
No, no, no.
It's just a new game.
You were Grand Theft Auto and now you're more Cluedo.
Okay, not helping.
For a pound.
- Two for a pound! - Whoo! - Fuck you.
- Just leave it, leave it.
- Let's go on holiday.
- Where? Let's go to Australia! Oh, there's no need, I've already been to Essex when it's sunny.
Let's go to Kilkenny! Get the tunes on, DJ.
Yes! Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, what about the neighbours? Oh, they're gonna love this one.
See, they're joining in.
- Who wants drugs? - Hey.
Next! Dance for me, dance for me.
I love you! I love you.
I love you.
I just love you.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
Oi, cheeky.
- Cheeky.
- It was an accident.
- Cheeky.
- It was an accident.
- It was a - Cheeky, cheeky.
- Off, off, off, off.
- Off, off, off, off.
- Off, off, off, off.
- Off, off, off, off.
Off! Off! - Off! Off! Off! - Yeah.
Yeah! I'm so old! Honey, I'm so old! Oh, happy birthday.
Happy birthday, sweet pea.
Oh.
Something to make me feel less old? Less boring? Less 30.
No eye contact, no cock touching.
Deal? Deal.
Richard! Oh, my God.
How bad are we? Really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad.
I hope I'm still gay.
'Cause I'd miss the music.
Weird is interesting, but I think once is enough.
It makes you think though, honey.
What the hell are we gonna do for your birthday? I'm quite nervous.
First day.
What if I'm no good? Hey, honey, you are a natural.
- Go knock yourself out.
Literally.
- All right.
It's for work.
Um, Mitch Ennis? Oh.
Fresh meat.
- Welcome to the team.
- Thank you.
I'm Linda, you are in cubicle one.
And, you brought your own porn and tissues? Yeah, yeah.
Aloe vera soft ply.
I thought I'd treat myself.
Of course, it's all for the kids, isn't it? Oh, yes.
Well, I believe the children are the future.
Now, you go on and wank us out a good batch, there's a love.
To your left.
I tell you what, mate, it's a dream job.
It's not a job, mate.
You're freelance on a wank-by-wank basis.
You're just jealous 'cause I made a vocation out of my hobby.
You're right, you're right.
How have we got away with this? This supposedly surprise birthday.
She hasn't twigged yet, Alice always catches us out.
Yeah, I know.
- Maybe she's mellowing in her old age.
- Maybe.
Hey, honeys, I'm home! Oh, shit, she's home early.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- How did it go? - Yeah, really good, loads came out.
Oh, well done, honey.
Anyone feel like a Filthy Pizza tonight? Yeah, sounds good.
Brilliant, I'm looking forward to that.
She didn't How could she It's like she knew we were planning this.
We should probably get this up.
- You told her.
- I had to.
You know how much Alice hates surprises.
- Mitch! You told her.
- Ah, God.
You know what happened on her sixth birthday party.
- No.
- Massive event, whole family there.
She walks in, they yell, "Surprise!" She shits herself.
Just for the record, I can't hear any of this conversation.
Surprise! Oh, my God! What an actual surprise! It's just so surprising to me! - At least she didn't soil herself.
- Good.
- What's going on? - Happy birthday, sweetheart.
Thank you.
I got you something.
It belonged to my granny, the instruction in her will was to give it to the girl I married.
Of course, there's never gonna be that girl, but there's you.
- Richie.
- You like it? I love it! Is it a moth? Moth No, it's a butterfly.
Oh! Richie, that is so sweet.
I'm honoured! Thank you, I love it! - Hey, you know what? - What? What? I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
What? What, now? Yeah, now, I've just decided just now.
Amazing, mate.
You do it! - What, now? - Yeah.
You totally should.
Yeah, I totally should.
I totally could, I should.
Yeah.
I'm gonna go over there and I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
I'm gonna ask her to marry me, be my wife.
- I'm gonna do that.
- Do it! Do it! Good luck! Okay, sorry, everyone.
Sorry, sorry.
Sorry, sorry.
Is this on? You can all hear me, yeah? Okay, cool.
All right.
Uh, look, Alice, if you could just step forward for me, please, princess.
That's great.
Okay.
Well, it's I mean, this has just been such an amazing night, and just thanks all for coming.
And all your friends gathered for your 30th birthday party.
And I just want to say right now, right now, right now.
Okay Uh Happy Birthday! I love you! This one's a screamer.
Good call, mate.
Good call.
What were we thinking? - Alice hates surprises.
- Yes.
Yes.
Oh, Jesus.
Princess? Princess.
Princess.
It's too small for me, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, it's too small.
I got it 'cause I thought we could do some kinky, Lois Lane rescue role-play.
- Mitch, sit down.
- Oh, cool, we're starting now? Miss Lane, let me take you to Krypton Honey, please sit down now.
I have something really important to tell you.
What's wrong? - Is this - Yeah.
- Are you - Yeah.
- So we are - Yes.
I Do you want to have her? If you want, uh - If you want one.
- Really? I mean, us? Now? Because I was thinking, you know, that maybe that we - Shouldn't? - Shouldn't.
Oh, my God.
Does that sound really bad if we say that? Oh, thank Christ.
No! Oh.
Oh, Alice.
And I mean this from the bottom of my heart.
- You will be a truly terrible mother.
- Oh.
Oh, honey.
You know, you'll be a really shit dad.
Uh-huh.
- Come here.
- Oh.
- Are you okay? - I'm all right.
Mitch! Wait up.
- Ooh.
Don't you look smart.
- Yeah? Hmm.
Give us a twirl.
May I present Sir Shirt and Dame Trousers.
Your arse looks well fit.
Don't I know it.
- So, listen, this baby thing - Um.
Mate.
Alice couldn't handle a baby.
I can barely handle Alice.
Plus, I'd be a terrible dad.
Why? 'Cause I'm not a grown up yet.
And, to have a kid you need to be Superman.
I'm Clark Kent.
Oh, no, you're not.
Clark Kent had a job.
Come on.
- And, is there anyone with you? - No.
Easier on your own.
Can't stand sympathy.
Hey.
One of our success stories.
Wow, he's a big one, isn't he? No, Mitch, he's six.
He started off bite-size.
Yeah, sorry.
I mean, I wasn't thinking.
They do grow up, don't they? Oh, it's not just the kids, you should see the parents.
Every man is a boy until he has a child.
Then you'd be amazed what he's capable of.
Richie! Oh, man, I'd love to chat but I'm up to my eyes.
Oh, mate, shut up.
I fucked it.
It's too soon, I'm not ready.
- But you said - Now I'm saying, I don't want her to do it until I'm sure.
- But you said that - Well, me and Alice, yeah, car crash.
But it's never just me and her, is it? It's always me and her and you.
Me? Why am I involved? Me and her look after the kid, you look after us.
Could we? Do you think? Could we? Oh, God.
Excuse me, sorry.
- Princess? - No.
You flatter me, Your Highness.
Linda? What? Sorry to call, it turns out there's been a problem with your last sample.
No, look, I'm about to lose signal, - I can't - Yeah, it's about your test.
- Test? - Yeah, it's about your sperm.
- Sperm? - You might want to sit down.
I'd love to, really.
Uh, I'll let you get your breath bark.
Yeah, not gonna happen.
Five seconds, I'm unconscious.
Talk quickly.
Okay, um, they mislaid your results.
You know what it's like, busy office.
And I did say to them, "If you respect the system then" What's wrong with my sperm, Linda? Right, um, you see it's Um You're infertile.
Alice, don't do it! Richie.
I've spoken to Mitch and we'll support you whatever, but just listen, 'cause all of us three I mean, not just you and Mitch, 'cause, my God, that is scary.
But together, us.
Have the baby.
Us.
- Us? - Yeah.
Look, you get single parents, they do okay.
This is like, three times better.
And I swear to you, I will love this child like my own.
Mitch.
Hello, mate, I was just telling Alice how Congratulations.
It's yours.
How? How is this even possible? We used a condom.
Yeah, well, they're not always 100%.
- Infertile, brilliant.
- Oh.
Oh, no And, also, I've been fired from the sperm bank.
So, you know, can't even hold down a job as a wanker.
I can't have a kid.
That's not part of the gay plan.
Now, it's okay.
We'll get rid of it.
Back to plan What? You said you'd love it like your own! - Well, it wasn't mine then.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on.
You wanna keep it now? I thought you wanted me to.
Oh, I see, so when it's mine, you want to get rid of it, but when it's his So now you want me to go through with it? Hey, that's my kid in there.
- You don't want it.
- I don't know what I want.
Burger.
I get stressed, I get hungry, I get burger.
Can you take my order back from the beginning It's my body, my choice.
Yeah, and now I know where I stand.
Below Richie and Richie's kid.
- Do you want to kill my baby? - Yeah, so do you.
Well, I might not want to now.
Oh.
Well, then, neither do I.
So there, call your bluff.
Let's keep it.
Oi, keep it down a bit, eh? Yeah? Yeah? And who are you? I'm the manager.
Oh, right.
Okay, sorry.
Well, this is the girl I love, Alice.
Hello, Alice.
And this is our best friend, Richie.
Hello, Richie.
Richie's gay, by the way, and Alice is having his baby.
So manage that.
It's yours, Richie.
I've got your baby inside me.
I'm going home.
Just regular.
And a large No, a medium A medium Coke.
Richie.
- Hey.
- No.
No, you're not.
- Give me back my Oyster card.
- No, no.
Alice, do not throw that down the drain! - Promise me you'll stay! - No! - Three, two - All right, okay.
Okay.
Richie, I need a word.
Alice, get yourself a Coke.
I can't drink Coke.
It's bad for the baby.
Oh, and the abortion will just be brilliant for the little fella.
Right.
The thing is, what if she wants your baby more than mine? Mitch, you know she doesn't.
This is about all of us.
But then, there's this little thing.
This accident.
Our biggest ever "whoops".
And it could hold us all together.
The party can't go on forever, Mitch.
So, who do we wanna be when the music stops? Alice Heston, will you marry me and have his baby? Yes.
Yes! They have no idea what they're cheering for.
No, I'll make you a herbal tea.
Caffeine's bad for the baby.
But we are out of herbal tea.
So you know the score.
One, two, three - Yeah.
- Oh, re-count.
Oh, no.
No.
I'm pregnant, so So what? The deal is I'll get my coat.
Ooh.
I'm gonna like this.