Time Bandits (2024) s01e01 Episode Script

1
[alarm beeping]
Yes!
[beeping stops]
Mum! Dad!
It's my birthday.
- We know, Kevin.
- [stammers] We know. One second.
- [Dad] There we go.
- [Mum] That's a bit sexy, love.
It's too in It's intense, that one.
Wrong night for that one.
[Mum] Something festive.
It's his birthday.
[Dad] How about that one?
[Mum] No. [stammers] It's
- [Dad] Aw, that's nice. There you go.
- [Mum] You ready?
[both] Happy birthday.
What boring pile of rocks you
dragging us to see this year?
It's not rocks, Dad.
It's wood.
[both] Wood?
[Kevin] Woodhenge!
We're actually at Woodhenge.
It's a Neolithic precursor to Stonehenge.
How can that be boring? It's incredible.
Incredibly boring.
Saffron, you're hilarious.
- They aren't even wood.
- No, Saff. Quite right.
These concrete posts show
where the wood used to stand.
[Dad] Should've gone to Stonehenge.
At least that pile of rocks
has a gift shop.
I'm saving Stonehenge
till my next birthday.
Even if there were a gift shop here,
what would they sell? Sticks?
- [chuckles] Bags of concrete as well.
- [Mum chuckles]
The ancients wouldn't
have had gift shops, Mum.
There are so many mysteries here.
Like, why Woodhenge was built.
Was it a temple? A marketplace?
Hey, you know, I was thinking maybe this
place was built to perform executions.
Ooh! Maybe, yeah. Yeah, Dad. Yeah
They brought people here
and bored 'em to death.
- [chuckles]
- [chuckles] You're terrible, Mike.
I think the henges were maps of the stars.
Anyway.
Happy birthday, Kev, love.
Yeah, happy birthday, Kevster, mate.
[Dad] Come on, pal. Let's get
out of here. [yawns] Come on.
[groans] Hey, girls. Oh, my God. Finally.
Hey, little sis. Did you enjoy
my birthday party, then?
Oh, yeah. Woodhenge. Amazing.
Oh, it was good [sighs] Sarcasm.
[Saffron] Duh!
Why can't you have a normal birthday
like a normal person with normal friends?
Saffron, you'll understand
when you're older.
[Saffron sighs]
[Kevin] Here's a fun football fact.
The oldest Mesoamerican football court
is dated around something like 400 CE.
Some scholars say that the Maya played
with the severed heads of their enemies.
There was no such thing
as a friendly back then.
[players yawning]
Seriously, though, as far as
the modern game that's codified by
Uh, we'll have Scott.
[Scott groans, grunts]
Okay. Well, great to be
part of the team, guys.
Ow!
I think this might be the best large
pachyderm you've ever painted, Kevin.
Oh, thank you so much.
It is a beautiful Mammuthus rumanus.
"Although people and mammoths coexisted,
there is no evidence that humans rode
or domesticated them in any way."
Interesting.
[imitates woolly mammoth trumpet]
[wardrobe rattles]
[sighs]
[rattling stops]
Huh.
Yes!
I attack Kamchatka from Japan.
Of course, Japan did invade Kamchatka,
if only briefly, during
the Russo-Japanese War.
[sighs] Right. My turn.
Looks pretty good, if I do say so myself.
And I do.
Oh, you do, Kevin?
Yeah, I do.
[furniture rattles]
[wardrobe rumbling]
Mum, my wardrobe's moving.
[gasps] Whoa!
What the actual flipping heck?
Whoa!
Wow.
[warriors shouting]
- [horn blows]
- [warriors shouting in Old Norse]
Hello.
[warriors shouting in Old Norse]
[Kevin screaming]
[Kevin screaming]
[warrior exclaims]
I'm gonna go get my parents.
[warriors shouting]
Mum! Mum! Dad! There's a man in my room!
- A man?
- I think he's a Viking warrior.
- Oh. Right. Viking warrior.
- [Dad chuckles]
He's certainly being chased
by some very angry Saxons.
- [Viking exclaims]
- It was a dream.
[Viking exclaiming]
For God's sake, Kevin, keep it down.
It's not me. I'm still here.
- Yeah, that's better. Yeah.
- Yeah, go back to bed, love.
Saxons almost shot
an arrow into my cranium.
Or what is more likely, Kevin?
It was a dream.
Correct. It was just a boring dream.
Now, go on
- [Kevin sighs]
- little worrier.
Night.
Night, pal.
I'm sorry about that.
My parents just informed me
this was a dream.
[speaks Old Norse]
I don't know what that means,
but I'm not really meant to
have visitors after 7:30.
Do with that what you will.
[Viking groans, speaks Old Norse]
[Kevin] I was wondering
if you could tell me why the Vikings
suddenly stopped their murderous ways
and adopted agrarianism.
- [Viking sighs]
- [warriors clamoring]
I was debating with my teacher,
Ms. Murray,
and she said it was due to
the development of fortified cities.
And I replied
What the heck is that?
Whoa!
Uh, excuse me. Do you need my help?
[in Old Norse] Nei! Nei!
[in English] I'm guessing
Nei is Old Norse for yes.
- Nei!
- Oh, it is?
Okay, just wait there.
I'm sorry, Mum. I'm sorry, Dad.
Adventure calls my name.
[Dad] Kevin, keep it down.
How are you doing, love?
My head hurts.
You've had a concussion.
You know what caused it?
I ran into the ward
- Looking behind you.
- [Kevin] No.
[Dad] You're stuck in the past, Kevin.
What good is knowing
about history to anyone?
It's literally the past.
Who's it gonna help? It's over.
You need to get into the future.
Technology.
- Yeah. Update. Upgrade.
- Yeah, touch screen.
- Yeah, music.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, we can get you a new phone.
- I don't need a new phone.
- He doesn't use it.
- Why not? We bought you that phone.
- We bought you a phone.
- Why don't you use your phone?
- Use your phone.
- He probably doesn't even know how.
- Who's going to call me?
- I know. No one.
We could use it to chat together.
Can't we chat the old way?
Like this. This is chatting.
No, this is just talking.
If you use your phone,
you could be chatting to someone else
while we're talking, like I am.
What are you up to?
You're stuck in the past, Kevin.
You've got to get in the 21st century.
If it were cooler to be a Viking
than an accountant for a consultancy firm
or a consultant for an accountancy firm,
we'd be wearing horned helmets,
wouldn't we?
Vikings didn't wear horned helmets.
That's a misconception due to a
- No, Kevin. No! La, la, la, la, la!
- No. [exclaims]
You got to stop it with all these
Vikings and the ancient geeks.
- Greeks.
- As well.
I give up.
Then this talk was worth it,
as you've learned an important lesson.
Sometimes, give up.
[stammers] Wait. That's the lesson?
"Sometimes, give up"?
[both] Yeah.
- You can't choose your family.
- [phone chimes]
No, and you cannot choose
your children, either.
[Dad] Hmm, no one mentions that, hey?
Yeah, right? Ooh, got a message.
[chuckles] It's from you, Mike.
"What are you up to?" [chuckles] Nothing.
[Kevin groaning]
[yawns]
[sighing]
[wardrobe rattling]
- [intruders whispering indistinctly]
- [intruder 1] The door. Push it. Push it.
[intruder 2] We've done it.
We've lost him.
[intruder 3] We've escaped.
[intruder 4] What if we haven't lost him?
- [intruder 2] Then we're dead.
- [intruder 1] Like Vikings.
[intruder 5] Supreme Being
knows everything.
Won't he know where we are
because he knows what we're thinking?
[intruder 2] If he knows what we're
thinking, he knows nothing.
[intruder 4] So, he's as ignorant
as we are.
[intruder 2] Mm-hmm.
[stammers] Unless he really does
know everything we're thinking,
and then I disagree
- with everything you just said. Yeah.
- [intruder 4] Right.
[intruder 3] We're completely lost.
Where are we?
- [intruder 1] Here.
- [intruder 4] I don't know where here is.
[intruder 2] He won't find us here.
We can be confident of that.
- [Kevin] Hello?
- [all exclaim]
- He found us.
- [groans] It was Penelope's idea.
She's the leader. She stole the map.
No, I'm I am not the leader.
We're all equal.
And I order you to stop talking.
Oh! It wasn't me. It was them.
Don't turn us to salt.
[hissing]
You don't have to fear me. I'm just a kid.
- [intruder 1] Hmm?
- [intruder 3] Oh.
- Oh. It's a child.
- [intruder 3] Oh, phew!
Wow. We thought you were
the Supreme Being doing a voice.
- The who?
- Yes, well, at any rate, it's not him.
- As I said. Widgit. The map.
- [Widgit] Right.
- [Kevin] Oh.
- [Widgit] Yeah. [sighs] So
- Could be here. Yeah?
- [Penelope] Mm-hmm.
[Widgit] Or maybe there, but I really
Sorry, do you mind?
- Is it, um, right way up?
- Yeah, it's not. No, it's not.
- [Penelope] Oh, it's not? Okay.
- No, no, no.
If we just put it right
Let me just So
That That has not helped me at all.
I think we need to be here
if we want to steal that horse.
- [Widgit] Right.
- You're horse thieves? Rustlers.
- Who are you?
- I'm Kevin Haddock.
And Okay. What are you doing here?
This is my bedroom.
What are you doing here?
And I'm not really allowed
visitors after 7:30.
Okay. Well, Devon Havelock
- Paddock.
- It doesn't matter. I don't care.
Widgit, it doesn't matter.
This may be your room,
but it is also a time egress.
A transtemporal portal and
an extremely dangerous place to live.
So, if you could give me a minute's peace,
Widgit and I could figure out
how to get out of here
and away from the Supreme Being.
- [Widgit] And then
- The Supreme who, now?
[clattering]
[Supreme Being]
The Supreme Being knows all.
[all screaming]
He looks unhappy!
[Supreme Being] Return the map.
Give it up, give up the map.
No. We are bandits, we never give up.
[intruder 3 groans]
Cower before me.
[groans]
Push that wall, Bittelig.
The map says it's an exit.
Push the wall. Push it.
[Bittelig straining]
It's never done that before.
You have stolen what is mine.
Kevin, you playing video games?
Good, Kevin. Very modern.
We've borrowed what is yours.
You'll get it back.
Is that Is it God?
Kevin, we've only just met
and you're already asking
very heavy questions, fella.
I know [echoes] everything.
- [Widgit] Jump!
- [all exclaiming]
Return the map! Return the map!
What's happening?
[Supreme Being] Return the map!
[Kevin grunts, groans]
[screaming]
[all screaming]
- [Widgit] Oh, my!
- [intruder 3] Oh. Good.
Okay, I'm okay, everyone.
I mean, everyone okay? I am.
[Widgit] Looks like we got away
from him again.
[Penelope] It was too close.
I could feel his breaths on me.
We can't get complacent, people.
I've been saying that, right?
It's a dream. It's a dream.
It's a dream. It's a dream.
It's a dream. It's gotta be a dream.
Hold on. How is he here?
How What are you doing here?
I-I don't know.
Hmm. He doesn't know. I'm an empath.
- That's how I knew, but yeah.
- All right. Well, that's that.
Who is this guy?
Is he your replacement for Susan?
Susan is irreplaceable, Bittelig.
- [Penelope] He's no Susan.
- I don't know what's happening.
Well, we're talking about you
and our fallen fellow bandit,
Susan, who was the best of us.
- [Widgit] Better than you.
- [Penelope] Very useful.
Let's figure out where and when we are.
It seems to be
a wobbly room with no walls.
[Widgit] I've assumed, based on,
uh, the algorithm of, uh
[Bittelig] Algorithm?
Wait a minute.
That's a Chinese pirate flag,
and those are Chinese pirates.
- And those are Chinese parrots.
- [parrots squawking]
I think that's Madame Chung.
But it can't be.
Flipping heck!
We're in the final battle
between Madame Chung and the British Navy.
- Uh, when was that?
- 1810. In Macau.
- Guys, I worked it out. 1810, Macau.
- Oh, bravo!
- [Penelope] Well done.
- Yeah, well done, Widgit.
- Like to hear a fact about Macau?
- [all] No!
- [pirates, in Cantonese] Intruders!
- [in English] What? What?
[pirates, in Cantonese] Spies!
[in English]
Is someone shooting arrows at me?
- Ow!
- [Widgit groans]
- You okay?
- I'm fine. I can't die.
Everyone can die.
- [stammers] No, because it's a dream.
- I wouldn't count on that, lad.
- No, this is not a dream, buddy.
- [Kevin groans]
[British sailor] Fire!
[Penelope] Stop talking. Take cover!
[all clamoring]
[pirate] Fire!
That door's a portal.
- [Bittelig] Run, run, run! Go, go, go!
- [Penelope] Run!
[clamoring continues]
[Penelope]
Through that door. Come on, everyone!
[all groaning]
Okay, so this is just a
It's just a normal door.
Yeah. My mistake.
Don't need to go on about it.
No, no. But while we're here,
let's steal what we can. Get this.
- [intruder 3] That's interesting.
- [intruder 5 gasps]
[pirates chattering]
[Penelope] Put them back. Put them back.
[intruder 3] And putting it back.
[pirates exclaim]
[groans] That's fortunate.
[Penelope] Wow.
Right, I do see where I made a mistake.
The portal is actually 50 miles away.
But if we make our way there
it's not gonna be easy
we will find ourselves in 1200 BCE.
Are we going to the year 1200 BCE?
We are. We don't know you.
So, what is that? Is that a map?
[Penelope] Don't answer him, Widgit.
He could be a map thief.
- So, it is a map.
- Yeah, it's a map. Yeah.
[Penelope] Widgit!
It is not just a map.
It is a chart. Right?
- Yeah. A celestial
- A celest I got it.
It's a celestial chart of the anomalies
and portals of
the intimately interwoven intricacies
of time, space, good and bad,
and all the dimensions,
including one, two, three, and four.
And it allows us to
travel throughout the universe.
- Whoa.
- [Penelope] Mm-hmm.
Except for one corner bit
that got torn off.
It's a map.
[Kevin] Oh, my gosh.
That's Madame Chung.
[speaks Cantonese]
Yep, yep. That's definitely her.
Look at the headdress.
[speaks Cantonese]
[speaks Cantonese]
[speaks Cantonese]
Do you all speak Chinese?
- No.
- Of course, we don't.
[speaks Cantonese]
[speaks Cantonese]
[Bittelig speaks Cantonese]
You do, you were just speaking it.
- Don't think so. Ooh, right. Sorry.
- No.
[speaks Cantonese]
Translation caps.
Are you clear?
Do you want me to slice you in half?
[speaks Cantonese]
Eat your eyes.
[speaks Cantonese]
What would your families think of that?
Okay. We really need to get out of here.
You have 30 seconds to tell me who you are
and what you are doing in my cabin,
or I will kill you.
[bandits groaning]
I am Penelope,
and although we don't ascribe
to a traditional structure of leadership,
I am, in effect, the leader.
[groans, stammers] Oh.
Fundamentally, though, we are all equal.
Fundamentally,
I will kill you all equally.
Uh, excuse me. Um,
M-Madame Chung. Big fan.
Kevin Haddock.
I've read all about you in Pirates,
Swashbucklers, and Filthy Scoundrels.
Uh, you need to change course.
You're up against the British,
the Chinese, and the Portuguese.
Uh, I know.
Well, he's just
[stammers] He's not with us.
Madame Chung, you're going to
hide up the Canton River, aren't you?
[stammers] I was just contemplating that.
I wasn't sure if
it was the correct maneuver.
It is.
Their ships are better armed,
but you know the waters.
I knew it. I knew it.
Their fat English ships will get stuck.
Hold on.
You look a bit
English.
How do I know it's not
a trap and you're not a spy?
Mmm. Yes, he could be.
Again, don't know him.
And what other choices have you got?
[people on ship exclaiming]
Bosun, change course.
[Madame Chung] Very impressive.
Where did you get this idea?
It's your own strategy.
I can't take credit.
- Bravo, "Kelvin."
- Well done, new guy.
That was a very Susan move.
Guys, we're coming up to the spot.
You want to be left here,
in the middle of nowhere?
- Yes, please, Madame.
- Great. Let's go.
Bye, and good luck telling
people things they already thought of.
What, you're leaving me?
[intruder 3] I don't feel great about
abandoning a small boy.
It's just cold.
Yeah. Perhaps the boy
got something to offer.
- He can't help us.
- No.
I could use him.
Someone with great knowledge. An adviser.
Would you like to stay with me, Kevin?
With a soothsayer like you, I could
control the seas and rule the world.
You'll have riches beyond belief.
- What?
- Wow, that's actually very tempting
Oh, but he's with us.
So sorry, he says our sooths.
Let's go, "Kepler" or "Kamton."
[Widgit] Somewhere there.
Right, this is it.
[grunts, exclaims]
[bandits grunting, exclaiming]
Up you go, "Kremin." Let's go!
Oh! [exclaims]
[exclaiming, screaming]
[panting]
[Penelope] Okay, you get up
and read our futures.
Tell us where that
treasure is we're gonna find.
But I can't read the future.
I just read about the past.
The past? Well, anyone can read the past.
So, he's not special, as I had said.
- Yeah, you did say that.
- That madame tricked us into taking him.
Oh, she's good.
You're [sighs] You're gonna have to
be on your own now
because we are a crack team
of expert thieves.
And we move fast, so we can't
let some book reader slow us down.
Let's spread out.
See if we can't find something to steal.
- [bandits sighing]
- [people straining]
- [gasps]
- What? What is it?
- Is it valuable?
- Priceless.
[panting]
Stonehenge under construction!
Right. Okay. So, uh
[stammers] how do we get out of here?
Well, according to my calculations,
based on science,
next portal's opening up in about
tomorrow morning.
So, we can rest up
because there is no treasure here.
No treasure?
What do you mean, "No treasure"?
Stonehenge is
the greatest treasure imaginable.
We can find out why Stonehenge was built.
A mystery that has
lasted over 4,000 years.
That is not treasure.
It is to me. [huffs]
Who is that little guy?
I don't know.
Maybe he is the new Susan.
- No, no.
- No.
Oi, come on, boys! Put your back into it.
Come on, sort that out.
Right? Keep sweeping.
Yeah, just keep I want all of that.
[workers groaning]
Oh, brilliant. That's another one dead.
Alan. Alan, tell your boys to
pull their fingers out, mate.
They can't. They literally can't.
They're stuck.
[stammers] What did
your last slaves die of?
Well, that rock there, innit?
Um, e-excuse me.
Look, we're going as fast as we can, mate.
All right? Be ready Tuesday, yeah. Oh.
I just wanted to say
I think this is so magical.
Oh, yeah? We just hope this one stays up.
Oh, it definitely will.
Yeah, well, that's what they said
about all the other henges, wasn't it?
- Like, Woodhenge.
- Yeah, for one.
We tried them all, mate.
We tried Woodhenge,
Strawhenge, Pebblehenge.
Peoplehenge, that was
another one we tried.
It was basically just me, Alan, and a load
of the slaves all stood around like that.
Just-Just Look, like this, you see?
Didn't work. I've got sore arms.
Did you manage to track
the movement of the stars?
You what?
Isn't Stonehenge supposed
to be a map of the stars?
Oh. Yeah, yeah, it can be.
But it must be.
At solstice, the sun rises
directly above the heel stone.
Oh. Does it? Right. There you go.
Which one's the heel stone, then?
Will it be used for sacrifices?
Can be. Can be used for sacrifices. Yeah.
The thing about Stonehenge is,
very much a venue for hire, innit?
You know, you got your banquets,
your weddings, your sacrifices.
Really, it's just a landmark, innit?
Something a bit different.
Get the punters in
and gets them buying, don't it?
What do you mean?
Gift shop.
Mini Stonehenges.
- We're bleeding 'em dry. Do you want one?
- [groans]
I'll give you one for a cabbage. Can't say
fairer than that. Early bird discount.
Dad was right.
It is just a pile of rocks
with a gift shop.
[worker groans]
Yeah, but that's
the genius of Stonehenge, innit?
Still pretty cool.
Yeah.
Do you mind if I hang around and watch?
Help yourself, Son.
Just, uh, don't let anything fall on you.
Oh, come on, Alan.
Get your back into it, mate.
Bandits, to tomorrow.
To the heist of the centuries.
Ah, tomorrow.
People will speak of our exploits and my
our leadership throughout the ages.
To the greatest thieves ever.
- [Widgit] To us.
- No, not yet. To us.
- Now, drink it.
- [Bittelig] Can we drink?
- Who are you guys?
- Oh. My story?
Yeah, you wanna hear my story.
- All of you, really.
- [sighs] I'm Penelope,
but Firestorm is a nickname
that's catching on. Right, guys?
- Yeah. It is. Yeah.
- Yeah.
And my heart?
Well, now it's getting personal.
Broken, and I am not going to talk
about my lost love,
my fiancé, who's gone missing.
Okay.
I'm not the leader,
but I am the one in charge.
Well, we still need to talk that over.
And this is Judy.
She has no respect for leadership.
She is the master psychologist.
She can get inside your mind.
She knows what you're thinking.
You're sad.
This is the happiest day of my life.
I'm new at this.
And this is Alto. No one knows
the real Alto, including Alto.
He's the master of disguise.
From my days in the theater,
you understand?
[in Scandinavian accent] Hello.
My name is Walter. I am a backpacker.
Voilà!
It is me, Alto,
the man you met only a moment ago.
[Bittelig] I loved it.
- Emotions, everything.
- [Alto] Thank you.
- Absolutely extraordinary.
- And this is Widgit.
He's the master map reader. He doesn't
like you, and he doesn't trust you.
- Don't like ya, and I don't trust ya.
- But you've only just met me.
All the more reason not to trust you,
Kevin. If that is your real name.
It's stitched in the back of my pajamas.
- Oh, his story checks out.
- And this is Bittelig.
He has the strength of
seven average-strength men.
- [Bittelig clears throat]
- You think seven?
- Let's say seven average-strength men
- Whoa.
as you saw when he knocked down
your bedroom wall with his hands.
He also has a sensitive side.
[Bittelig chuckles]
[whispering] He hasn't. He's a maniac.
And why were you
running from the big head?
Well, because we were
on the run from the Supreme Being.
And the Supreme Being's a big head?
Well, in this instance, yes.
Yeah, the Supreme Being is mad at us.
He was our boss. We upset him.
- What did you do?
- Well, he didn't appreciate us.
He always used to try and make us do
things exactly like he wanted them done.
- Uh-huh.
- So, we stole the map
and went on the run together.
And he knows we did
it 'cause he knows all.
Why doesn't he
know how to catch you, then?
- Very tricky without the map.
- Bam!
- [Bittelig] Food is ready. Penelope.
- Ah!
- [Widgit groans]
- Thank you.
- [Bittelig] This is for you. Yes.
- [Judy] Oh. Wow, thanks.
And a special double bowl for you.
This is a dog bowl.
Well, maybe it's not my place,
but I-I don't think it's cool to steal
[Widgit sighs]
and it's especially
uncool to steal from history.
[groans]
- Can we get rid of this guy?
- Or just leave him here.
Penelope, Widgit,
we should take him back to his home.
Okay. Well, then, after we steal
the horse, we can take you back to
Bingley, 2024.
Uh-huh. So, that's, uh, "Binggerly, 2022."
You know what? Now, let's take
a moment to commemorate Susan.
Thoughts about Susan.
- Go.
- [Judy] Susan. She was
[Penelope] But just thoughts.
- Damon.
- [growls]
No, not you, Demon. I said Damon.
[growls]
Well, they do sound very similar.
Damon!
[Damon] Darkest Darkness.
Purest Evil.
How's spying going?
What news from the sky citadel?
Oh, just the usual.
Inventing flowers,
inspiring birds to sing.
Ugh. Disgusting.
If I ruled this universe,
I would turn it inside out.
Oh, yes.
If I had the plans for it.
You know, Shadow of Shadows,
plans do exist.
Of course I know that.
I told you that, Damon.
Don't come down here
telling me things that I told you
and pass them off as new information.
Of course. But what you might
like to know, Your Wrongness,
is that the plans have been stolen.
What did you say?
I overheard the Supreme Being
mentioning that they've been taken.
Someone stole
the blueprints for the universe
- Mm-hmm.
- from the Supreme
[gags]
Yes, a rogue faction
of the flora department.
I can't steal it from him,
but perhaps I could take it from them.
I need to get to them before
the Supre [gags] does.
Good work, Damon.
[roars]
Not you, Demon.
[groans]
With those plans,
I could create a universe of pure evil.
Rats would eat cats,
parrots would shout out insults
at you throughout the night,
never letting you sleep.
Everywhere you go would be up.
You start from point A,
go to point B, it's up.
And then when you go from
point B back to point A, also up.
[growls]
I've thought it out. It would work.
Instead of water, acid.
Instead of flowers, thorns.
Some people will have
eyes in their buttocks.
So, you have to make a choice.
Walk around naked and see,
or wear pants and be blind.
And everything, everything will be sharp.
- Ow.
- Sounds awful.
- Thank you, Damon.
- [growls]
Thank you, Demon.
Your Wrongness, I overheard
the Supreme Being
talking about where
he was going to go to find the map.
Little place called
Bingley, 2024.
Oh.
Call for the Huntress.
[chuckles]
[echoing] Fianna!
[Penelope] But do you think you can
get us back to his bedroom?
[Widgit] Yeah, but I've never seen
so many portals in one place.
Maybe his room's special.
- [Penelope] Okay, but he's not special
- [Widgit] Nah.
- [Penelope] right? What happens
- [Alto] Ow! My hair's stuck under a rock.
- Ow.
- [Judy] Why is your hair under a rock?
[Alto] Because it was blowing
in the wind all night,
so I had to put something on it
to keep it down.
[Bittelig grunts, strains]
- [Alto] That's better.
- [Bittelig] Yeah! [grunts]
The portal is opening. It's there.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Portal's there.
No, no, no. Oh, drats.
We missed them placing the lintel stone.
I bet we're all
kicking ourselves for that.
No, we don't care. Let's go.
- Stop, stop. Widgit, I say let's go.
- Oh.
- Let's go. We have a horse to steal.
- Yeah.
Well, if this is a dream,
I don't want it to end.
[sighs]
[bandits screaming]
[Kevin groaning]
Should be coming over something
what resembles Oh, there it is.
- Oh, wow. It's magnificent.
- [Penelope] What?
- [cackles] Ooh.
- [Penelope chuckles]
- I've done it. We've done it. All of us.
- [Widgit] Yeah.
- [Penelope] Not just me.
- [Widgit] Yeah,
- it was collective, wasn't it?
- [Penelope] Hmm.
Oh, my flipping flip!
I'm sorry for the language,
but it's flipping Troy.
[chuckles] Damn right, it's Troy.
So, wait, the horse you're going to steal
is the Trojan horse?
Absolutely. The world's most famous horse.
It's too big to steal.
[scoffs] Nothing is too big
for us to steal.
[bandits chuckling]
Okay, now that we're close,
maybe it is too big to steal.
- It looked smaller in the drawings.
- [Judy] Were they small drawings?
[Bittelig]
All drawings should be life-sized.
We could chop it up and put all
the pieces back together later.
Okay, and then what,
just carry firewood throughout all time?
We could take each piece,
mark it C, D, E, F, G.
- Alto.
- Put it together.
- Alto.
- We could use numbers. Whatever you want.
I I don't wanna say
that's a stupid suggestion,
but I can't think of a different word.
Well, it was your
idea to steal this horse.
Can't believe we failed our first heist.
Your first heist?
I didn't leave my cushy job at the
shrubbery department to chop up horses.
- [Penelope] So, now it's a cushy job?
- You can't chop it up.
- There are people inside it.
- Why would they put people in it?
- As a surprise?
- Quite right, Bittelig.
The Greeks are gonna be
wheeled into the city walls,
open the gate for the rest,
and ambush the Trojans in the morning.
Okay, Well, this was a colossal waste
of time travel.
Widgit, where's the next portal?
I mean, the map says
it's about 50 feet that way. So
- [Kevin] It's in Troy.
- Oh.
Okay, well, we have to get to the portal.
So, how do we get in there?
The only way in is inside the horse.
[door opening]
- Psst! Keep quiet, please.
- You cannot be right.
- [warrior 1] You Trojans?
- No, we're bandits.
[warrior 1] Good. Because we are doing
a huge trick on the Trojans.
It's a brilliant plan
and you ruin it by standing there.
We just want to see inside because
we want to see how ingenious it is.
You do, huh? Okay, come in,
but be quick, huh?
Come on, little one.
- [Kevin groaning]
- [warrior 1] Up! [strains] Okay.
Ajax, who's this?
They're tourists. They want to
have one quick look. Just one.
- [warrior 2] Okay.
- [Widgit groans] Hold this.
[warriors chattering]
- [Ajax] Come through. Make some room.
- Wow.
Watch your head, watch your head. See?
No one is stupid enough to fall for this.
Oh?
No one is stupid enough to fall for a
brilliant plan, hey? Oh, okay. [chuckles]
What? They're just gonna
bring in a giant horse?
Yes, you would bring a giant, beautiful
horse like this with beautiful eyes.
Okay. Where are they gonna put
this thing, hmm? In a giant wooden field?
- [gasps]
- It will work.
[both] Thank you.
[Penelope] How do you know?
It's history.
It's not history. It's the future.
The future of warfare.
[gate opens]
[shushes] Hey.
Hey. Move, please.
- [warrior 1] Very special.
- [warrior 2] Let's take a look.
[warrior 1] They compensate
for everything, those Greeks.
[sighs] Well, well, well. Look.
[whistles] Someone's put
a lot of time into this, huh?
Yes.
Look at this. Look at this paint.
The structure is nice, you know?
Beautiful, but solid too, actually.
Look at the craftsmanship here.
Yeah, well, Greeks are known for this,
you know?
[whispering] They love the horse.
- [whispering] They love it.
- [Greeks exclaiming]
- [Ajax] Hey, psst!
- [Alto] Well done.
Hey, look at the eyes.
Oh, my goodness.
[whistles] They are gorgeous, Ophelestes.
[Ophelestes] Absolutely stunning.
[whispering] Hey, Odysseus,
they mentioned the eyes.
I made the eyes.
[Ophelestes continues chattering]
Don't you think
it's a little bit suspicious, Xanthus?
That's the most suspicious thing
I've ever seen, Ophelestes.
- I think we should burn it.
- Burn it.
I was thinking the exact same thing.
Okay, to the right, to the right,
to the left. To the left
[sighs] This isn't good.
[shushes]
What is it, Odysseus?
They don't like horses.
They lit the horse on fire.
- What?
- Hmm?
Oh, look at that.
Oh, look. Fantastic.
- It's really on fire now, huh?
- Oh, absolutely.
- You're getting smarter with this stuff.
- I think we're getting good.
I told you all to follow me.
It would work.
We jump out of a wooden horse
and surprise them.
I messed up. I'm so sorry.
Diomedes, I'm sorry. I love you.
Not only did we not steal the horse,
now we're gonna die in it.
It's just a dream. It's just a dream.
It is not a dream.
Look at how realistic this is.
[Judy] I feel sorry for all of us.
- I wanna scream.
- You have to do it quietly, please.
- [hushed screaming]
- Quieter.
[hushed screaming]
- [shushes]
- [groans] Quiet.
[breathes heavily] I'm scared.
Catching on quick, huh?
Well, it is wood, Ophelestes.
The most flammable substance
known to modern human
Hey, hey, hey! [stammering] W-Why
are you burning this beautiful artwork?
Put this fire out now!
Absolutely, sir. Okay, uh, running now.
[stammers] We thought
it looked suspicious, sir.
Where have you
ever seen something like this?
Well, never. That's why
we thought it was suspicious.
It's a tribute from the losing army
to our great skills in battle.
It's It's bloody beautiful.
Open the gates
- and wheel this into the city now!
- Okay. Open the gates! Come on!
Hey. Guys. Can't you see?
It's very suspicious.
That horse will be the downfall of Troy!
Ah, come on, Cassandra.
[chuckles] That's not true.
That's ridiculous.
You're being so hyperbolic now.
- Where are you getting this from, huh?
- Forget it.
[all groaning]
Everyone, shut up.
They're putting out the fire.
We're being wheeled in.
Kevin, you were right.
- I was?
- [chuckles] Ah!
Maybe he's a potential bandit.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Easy, easy.
There's a very thorough selection process
to be in the Time Bandits.
Is there? I thought you asked everyone
and we're the only ones who said yes.
That was the process.
That's it.
Psst! Hey, keep quiet, please.
This is a stealth mission.
- [shushes]
- [Kevin sighs]
I knew we'd make it.
Didn't look like you knew.
Looked like you were about to cry.
- But in the books
- Oh! "In the books." "In the books."
Are you mentioned in the books?
Are we mentioned in the books?
Because just our being here
might change some things. We don't know.
All right,
everybody is a little bit stressed out.
Might I suggest a breathing exercise?
When I argue with my sister,
my parents suggest a time-out
until we appreciate each other again.
Well, when we take you back to your time,
you'll be out of our lives.
- [chuckles]
- [Penelope] Clever.
That was harsh, uh, Penelope.
He almost got us burned alive.
No, I get why you're angry,
but I just think you made all of us
very uncomfortable except Widgit.
Widgit, do we have five minutes
to steal stuff
before we have to find the next portal?
- Yeah, we got five minutes.
- Great. Let's scatter.
Steal for five minutes,
meet back at the fountain.
- Yeah.
- [Penelope] Good.
- [Bittelig strains]
- No, Bittelig. Smaller, smaller.
[Bittelig sighs]
- [Penelope] Scatter! Hurry!
- [Widgit] Yeah, yeah.
[exhales heavily]
[Cassandra] Hey. Psst.
Psst.
They didn't believe you.
No, but I was right.
I can sympathize.
I have a big curse on me.
I can see the future,
but no one ever believes what I say.
- [scoffs] No.
- You see?
So, you must be
- Cassandra.
- Cassandra.
[gasps] You've heard of me?
Wow. [chuckles]
Yes, I am, uh I am Cassandra.
Wait. No. You can't be. It's a myth.
Again, you don't believe me.
- [guard sneezes]
- [Cassandra gasps]
Watch out, Panthous,
you going to fall off that wall.
Ah, come on, Cassandra.
[screaming, grunts]
- [sighs] He's okay. He's fine.
- [Panthous groaning]
- He's really okay. He didn't believe me.
- [Panthous] You distracted me.
- [groaning continues]
- It's frustrating, isn't it?
To be right, but no one listens to you.
All my life, I wished I'd go back in time.
Now I'm here,
I don't know if I belong here.
You are important.
I'm really not.
[gasps] How many times I have to tell you?
I see the future, okay?
You are going to tell stories to kings.
You're going to jump together
from a high cliff,
won't even break your skeletons.
[gasps] You're going to see
great structures before they are great.
You see creatures that are long gone.
You see places I only see in my visions.
And you will see sadness,
but you have to stick
with these stupid thieves
because you are going to
save the universe.
None of that sounds plausible,
but that's the curse, isn't it?
[Bittelig] Psst. Psst. Hey. [pants]
- Oh, Kev Kevin, it's me, Bittelig.
- Kevin. Come on. Quickly.
Hey. We found the portal.
Come. We take you home.
You go, little hero.
We will see each other again.
You were right about the horse.
[gasps] I bloody knew this.
What did everyone steal?
- I got this beautiful vase.
- [Alto] Vase.
- Oh. I have a vase.
- Vase.
- Yeah, I got a vase.
- Everyone? Everyone got a vase?
- [Bittelig, Widgit] Yeah.
- What did you steal?
- Nothing. It's wrong to steal.
- [Alto sighs]
- Huh? Oh.
- [Widgit groans]
- Yes. Okay. Let's take him home.
- [Bittelig] Yeah.
- [Widgit] Finally.
- [Penelope] So, Widgit,
- "Binggerly, 2022."
- [Widgit] All right, "Kelvin."
- [Kevin] Kevin.
- [Widgit] Yeah. I don't care.
[portal crackling]
Fianna, the Huntress.
Oh, not Fianna.
- What's wrong with Fianna?
- She's full-on.
[growling]
You will obtain
the plans for the universe,
also known as the map.
You will lie encased in rock,
waiting for your moment to strike
in a place called
- Bingley.
- Bingley.
[Damon] 2024.
[Pure Evil]
Thousands of years in the future.
You will wait until it is time,
and you will take the plans
and give them to me.
And destroy anything
that gets in your way.
[thunderclap resounds]
Remember, Fianna,
these thieves have stolen
from the Supre [gags] himself.
We're dealing with master geniuses.
Take no chances.
[thunderclap resounds]