Time Hustler (2022) s01e01 Episode Script

"Billy the Kid's Wild West
wasn't worth the moths on the flour
Lampião made couscous with."
George Washington.
Get out of the way, dumbass!
Go, jackass! Outta the way!
A NETFLIX SERIES
Holy cow,
this city has more cars than people.
It's like Fast and Furious
without the fast, just the furious.
Speaking of furious.
Your crappy team's in overtime
and you're worried about food?
God, I hope it's not a complaint.
Crap, I swapped my lunch for his.
I'm definitely gonna be fired.
Oh, I miss the Northeast.
Warm couscous and eggs,
with butter melting on top.
Here we only have a shit sandwich,
prepared by the Devil himself.
Lord Jesus, please be merciful.
One hour?
I've been waiting for over a month
for Padre Cícero
to take me back to my homeland.
Hey, jackass! Out of my way!
Get out of the way,
you son of a bitch! Go!
-Colonel!
-Where are you, Virguley?
You've had 12 complaints.
-It's because I was--
-Thirteen.
-I was stuck in traffic.
-Sixteen.
Are we playing bingo now?
Your ranking's plunged to the bottom
with all these negative reviews.
Enough! You're fi--
That was close.
If I don't hear it, I'm not fired.
Thanks, Father. Get stuffed.
Hey, Colonel! Captain Virguley
means fast delivery and no delay.
I ordered before the game started
and you get here when it's over?
Your team win?
Let's just focus on the food, shall we?
-It's gourmet.
-What's that, bro?
It's…
It's a hamburger in orange juice sauce.
If you could give me five stars,
I'd appreciate it. Thanks!
-Open it!
-Take care!
God bless!
Watch out, damn it!
Up yours!
Are you nuts, you wannabe cangaceiro?
God, grant me the strength
to not rip off this man's head.
Father, lead me on a route
that gets me to my next job on time.
São Paulo's driving me crazy.
Hold on tight, Father. Adventure awaits!
-Goddamn it, where were you?
-You're always in such a hurry.
What? We're late because of you!
Virguley, we have to be on time
to perform here.
Don't you know the saying,
"When it rains, it pours"?
It rained today, and I had no umbrella.
What, you're a poet now?
Come on.
You're such a pain the ass.
I'm too old for this.
-Up yours. You're not my dad.
-Where are you going, dumbass?
Are you seriously drinking now?
Yeah, it's imported.
Why is this cachaça so slimy?
That's used vegetable oil.
Eat this to get rid of the taste.
These all have meat. I'm vegan.
Give me a shot of cachaça.
Fill it up. Pour it. Go ahead.
Virguley.
Shut it. Another. Pour.
Virguley.
It's worth the hangover. One more.
Virguley!
Holy shit.
You paying today?
-Put it on my tab.
-Again?
Ribanelson, I've had it.
Today's my last show. I'm returning home.
Where will you get the money?
I'll take my share from today,
sell my bike before the bank takes it,
then buy a bus ticket to the airport home
so people think I flew back.
My family is annoying,
but at least I won't be alone.
If I'm to struggle, I prefer to do it
where both he and I are from.
Who's "he"?
Lampião.
Thank you very much. Keep it coming.
They are tough men
They are Lampião's gang
Thanks. Keep it coming.
They come from the Hinterlands
Freeze!
Today, I will tell you a tale
of the King of Sertão,
Virgulino Ferreira da Silva, Lampião.
Everybody has a theme park these days.
An old mouse has a theme park,
princesses have theme parks,
that magic kid with glasses
has a theme park.
Lampião should have a theme park!
Lampião was a badass.
He knew capoeira, kung-fu, and karate.
He knew them all. Lampião was a master!
-Soap!
-Yes, Captain.
Let's show them.
Check out that technique!
Lampião was a badass!
He was respected all over,
even by his enemies.
You're an outlaw, Lampião.
You're a pig, you scoundrel!
Scumbag!
Speaking of scumbags, here comes trouble.
Act like you don't see them.
Crap.
Pretend you don't see them.
Now I'll tell you
how Lampião used to kill his victims.
If you have weak bowels,
close your eyes or you'll crap yourself.
-Soap, Jararaca, bring the man.
-Let's go.
No!
-On your knees.
-Have mercy, Captain!
I think he wants to act out
the scene with us.
-God. Let's get outta here then.
-Am I the kind of man to just run away?
I'm feeling brave today.
This was Lampião's dagger.
He used to stick it in right here, see?
Bottom of the neck,
through the collarbone.
He'd stick it in really slowly.
The steel would cut through the spine
like a hot knife through butter.
-Is that so?
-Wanna try it? Get this man over there.
Wait, what?
-Let's go, come on.
-Get over there!
Well, everyone,
this nice gentleman
will show us how Lampião used to do it.
-Go ahead.
-On me?
What I really want is your hat.
Oh. Why didn't you say so?
Let me just have my colleague back then.
Come here.
-Come on.
-Get back, pig!
This hat will look great on you.
It goes really well with your eyes.
See? Lovely.
You making fun of me, bro?
He wants the hat with the money, guys.
-No, not our money.
-No.
Maybe we could split the money evenly.
Did you forget who owns this square?
The people own this square. Am I right?
-Yes!
-Yes, it's the people's.
As Castro Alves used to say,
"Life is not easy here."
I can't pay my bills. Right, Ribanelson?
Yes.
I'm practically homeless.
-Right, Ribanelson?
-Yes.
-I'm drinking again. Right, Ribanelson?
-Yes.
People say I'm being cheated on.
Right, Ribanelson?
Yes!
So I'll let you have it,
but first I'd like to confess something,
something I can't tell anyone else.
Rub my hand.
-Could you lean down a little?
-Lean down?
I need to whisper it in your ear.
Suck on it! Let's go!
Run! Come on, guys!
Move it! Let's go, people!
Help me, Padre Cícero. What now?
-Too high to jump off.
-They're here!
Come on. Run!
Get back here!
Catch that thief! Catch him!
Move it! Thief my ass.
-Move it!
-Out of the way!
-Catch him!
-No, that's mine!
Hey, wait!
Hurry, run!
-What do we do now, Virguley?
-Now it's every man for himself. Run!
I'm a fucking fast runner.
Padre Cícero, I need your help.
Gentlemen, let's talk.
Like Lampião and Corisco?
Or like Lampião and Mr. Pereira.
Lampião and his wife, Maria Bonita?
There are only two ways out for you.
Dying,
or flying.
Flying?
First class to the Northeast, please.
You should work
on those wings, little chick.
We can make a deal, right?
Well, it's your lucky day.
Besides being a boxer,
I'm also a travel agent.
Wow. That's great.
Bro, rub my hand.
Here's your plane ticket.
A truly heavenly knockout blow.
Care for some in-flight service?
Now, hold on tight.
You're in for a thrill, Virguley.
I think I'm still drunk.
You're still here, clear as day.
I knew I shouldn't have drank.
Last time, I woke up at the circus,
in a lion's cage.
It was licking my armpit.
Since then, I swore to you, Padre Cícero,
that I'd lay off the cachaça.
I don't know if you're a mirage, Father.
-Where are my clothes?
-We're all born naked, Virguley.
Our clothes represent what we are,
or what we'd like to be.
Father, stop messing with me.
What am I doing here naked?
Where are my clothes?
Let this be a lesson
to never place a saint
inside your pocket,
close to your stinky armpit.
Fine, how about some money
for aspirin and a bus ticket home?
I'm way too hungover.
Didn't you say you wanted that to be
your last job in São Paulo?
I did
Didn't you say
you wanted to return to the Northeast?
I did
And didn't you say
you wanted to fly back first class?
You son of a bitch!
I did. To the Northeast.
Not like this,
naked and in the middle of nowhere.
Son, I'm a priest, not a psychic.
You weren't specific. Deal with it!
Father--
Father?
How childish.
A man his age, playing hide-and-seek.
Father, where are you?
Father?
Oh, man, I'd better find a bush.
It's that vegetable oil.
Father?
Oh, thank God!
God help me.
Oh, nature's wet wipes.
Help!
So it was a prank.
They left their costumes
scattered all over, bunch of fools.
Oh man.
I'd love to take a dip
in that refreshing water.
But better not.
The river must be full of biting fish.
This is the Northeast's Sertão
A land of brave men
Only sertanejos can endure
Years of summer and drought
All the roughness of the ground
Toughens up the men who live here
There are cangaceiros
WELCOME TO CAATINGUEIRAS
Can you spare any money?
Can you spare any money, please?
Rowdy men with no limits
But there are no weak men
There are cangaceiros
Lampi--
Lampião?
But he doesn't walk or smell like Lampião.
Is he walking like that?
Then it's either lower back pain
or hemorrhoids.
ZÉ BOFÃO'S STORE
Dang
That's a brave man
Wow, it's Lampião!
Lampião!
Hello, friend.
-Do you have any anti-chafing balm?
-Where does it itch, Captain?
It starts at my toes,
goes to my knees, my back, neck,
-then back down to my--
-Ass crack?
Yes, around the vicinity of the butt-hole.
Right and the left sides.
Nineteen twenty-seven?
Oh man. I got it.
This is one of those vintage theme parks
about Lampião, isn't it?
Call it whatever you want.
It's all yours, King of Sertão.
This is all fake.
Fake?
Out of the way, boy.
If you're looking for anti-chafing balm,
they're out.
Could I have ended up
at Beto Carreiro World?
Hi. Can you tell me
where to get some water around here?
Thanks.
Oh, what a relief.
What a blessing.
Where in heaven's name am I?
I'm either dreaming,
or I drank spoiled cachaça.
I won't worry if I'm dreaming.
If it's spoiled cachaça,
then it'll wear off.
I might be going crazy.
If the cachaça wears off,
I won't be too concerned.
If I'm going crazy,
then I will be concerned.
What about you?
Are you real or a hologram?
Hey, my good man, how are you?
Have you seen a man named Ribanelson
or my gang by any chance?
-A bunch of people dressed as cangaceiros.
-How would I know about your gang?
That's kind of rude.
Well, have you seen them or not?
-A gang?
-Yes.
-Ribanelson?
-Yes.
I can't tell you, Captain.
Why not?
Because I don't know.
This is a park. He's a robot.
What are you thinking
using that tone with Lampião?
He's wiped out villages
because of idiots like you.
You're such an eavesdropper.
Always listening
to other people's business,
digging into people's lives,
aren't you, Ms. Zulmira?
Why do you think he's returned?
Alone?
And walking bowlegged like that?
Maybe he shat himself.
Maybe his balls are too heavy
from dealing with blabbermouths like you.
Or rude people like you.
I have a lot of everything
and plenty of variety.
And what I don't have on this donkey
either doesn't exist, is sold out,
or the donkey forgot to bring.
How nice, a flea market!
-How are you?
-I'm fine, sir.
Man, this park is absolutely great.
-Your costume is flawless.
-Thanks, Captain.
I'm hungry. Where's the food court?
Do you have a park map?
Park map! Park map?
Sorry, Captain, they just sold out.
Don't worry. I'll get you one in no time.
God help me if I'm ever in debt to you.
Pray to Mary and all the saints.
-What flavor park map do you want?
-Flavor?
Man, this park is really impressive.
There was a robot over there
that was very well-made.
-Who owns this park?
-Colonel Tibúrcio.
-He probably has a lot of money.
-A lot of money and many armed men too.
Come on, confess.
I…
-I swap the mass wine for cachaça.
-Not that.
I'm talking about Lampião's money.
Did he say where he hid his stash
before he left for Mossoró?
If Lampião didn't tell you, his friend,
why would he have told me?
Don't lie to me!
I want to where he hid it.
I believe that when he comes back
loaded from his heist in Mossoró,
he'll stash it all in the same place.
I don't know why
you have a problem with Lampião.
Although he's violent,
he's never done anything bad
to the people here.
Everyone here respects him,
and he respects them.
They respect him out of fear!
That's a dangerous thing.
The people must respect only me.
And out of admiration.
A town like this one,
as small as a lizard's butt-hole,
has no room for two chiefs.
Be straight with me,
or there will be hell to pay.
And let me make something perfectly clear.
Whoever is on my side and obeys me
will be counting their blessings.
But whoever is against me
will have their nuts roasted in hell.
So?
My son,
given those two options,
how could I say no to heaven?
That's the spirit!
It'll take Lampião a while
to get back from Mossoró,
and when he does,
this place will be very different.
We have a deal.
-Let's pray the Our Father.
-Hail, Mary, full of grace…
-Our Father, who art in heaven…
-…the Lord is with thee.
…hallowed be Thy name…
Blessed art thou amongst women…
-…on earth, as it is in heaven.
-…and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb.
Thy will be done.
Get out of here, scoundrel!
-I'll pay!
-Go away, go!
Put it on Lampião's tab!
-What's up?
-Captain!
-I meant my brother's tab.
-No need to pay for anything.
I'm curious, do you like soccer?
If you do, I do, Captain.
Who scored the only goal for Brazil
against Germany?
I don't know that one.
But if Germany won,
it was either thanks to you
or Padre Cícero.
Hey, young lady.
Good morning, Captain.
Do you know where there's a cybercafé
or good internet around here?
-Sure. Ivonete!
-Hi.
She's really good.
Not only can she make coffee,
she knows how to flog a good sausage,
and will even cuddle afterward.
-Really well.
-I think you misunderstood.
-I need another type of connection.
-That's not a problem. Conceição!
I'm here, Ms. Escandalosa.
She's from the South.
Yeah. South of the border.
-She learns easily.
-Very easily.
-She can dunk your biscuit.
-And get it really wet.
-She can peel a banana.
-One-handed.
If you try her lobster tail
and roasted chicken breasts,
oh, Captain,
they're finger-licking good.
I'll lick them for you.
Thank you.
-I feel like I'm in a time travel movie.
-Newspaper for sale!
Hello, Captain.
What's the latest edition?
This one's just printed.
The ink's still fresh.
-It's about Washington.
-Washington, D.C.?
I don't know if he likes the sea,
I just know he's the current president.
Okay. Thanks.
News and poetry!
If Washington is the current president,
then this isn't a park.
Come in, sister. Come in.
Jesus Christ awaits inside.
Jesus Christ awaits inside.
Jesus Christ awaits insi--
-Father?
-Brother!
Jesus Christ! Captain?
Can you tell me
where I can find Padre Cícero?
Oh, he's probably down by Juazeiro.
Didn't you used to be
blind in one eye, Captain?
-Did I?
-Yeah.
I did. But Padre Cícero
performed a miracle via Wi-Fi.
A miracle by Padre Cícero?
But if God and the Virgin Mary
and San Antônio of Categeró
and all the other saints help,
he'll come
to our town patroness saint's fair.
Weren't you with him last year?
Juazeiro, 1926.
I really did go back in time.
You went back in time,
or you haven't gone yet?
And if you've yet to go, why?
I don't have time now.
I need to find a way out.
Later, Bishop.
Bishop?
-Hey, Brother.
-Bishop. Captain said I'm a bishop.
And did he say
if he gave up invading Mossoró?
He left here with a bunch of people
30 minutes ago and he's already back.
Did he lose something?
He lost nothing.
You should lose your curiosity
about other people's lives.
-How do you know about Mossoró?
-I don't judge, I only report what I hear.
Look, I'll make an exception
because this is an urgent matter.
Therefore, thou shalt gossip
in the name of Jesus.
But only once. Go tell Colonel
that Lampião is back.
Hurry!
Hurry up! You blabbermouth!
-Colonel, you don't have to go to church.
-Why not?
Tell me your sins
and I'll go confess them for you.
Rufino, my sin
is having to hear this every day.
-You're such an ass-kisser.
-What?
-What are you saying?
-Ass-kisser.
You're not an ass-kisser. Come on, man up.
Colonel!
Get ready! Here comes
the biggest gossip in the Sertão.
Colonel!
-Come on, spit it out.
-I have really important news.
What do you have to tell me
that wouldn't make me
feel like tying your tongue in a knot?
But, Colonel, I only came
because I thought you'd be interested.
I don't have time for gossip, Zulmira.
I came to tell you about Lampião's return.
-What?
-If you don't wanna know, I won't say.
-I don't like gossip.
-I didn't mean it. Is it really Lampião?
-Lampião.
-He's back now?
-He is.
-Who told you?
Nobody told me.
I saw him with my very own eyes.
And said it with Satan's tongue.
-Shut your mouth, Rufino!
-Sorry, Colonel.
If he's back, it's a chance
to find out where he buried his stash.
-What stash?
-Who said stash?
-You.
-I didn't. Did you?
-No.
-You did.
I said "S-T-A-M-A-S-H". Smash.
S-T-A-S-H, "stash."
-No, I said "smash."
-Stash.
-Smash.
-Stash.
-Smash!
-Stash!
Enough! Are you trying to confuse me,
you chatterbox?
Are you deaf as well as a gossip?
-Let's go, Rufino.
-Let's go.
Fine, smash.
-Come on!
-But you did say stash.
Go!
Let's go!
To hell with all of you.
Patty-cake, patty-cake
It's Mariá!
-Let's see what she brought us.
-Mariá!
-Mariá!
-Mariá!
-Mariá!
-I know you brought us rapadura.
There's no rapadura today.
There's something else.
-Who likes cornbread?
-Me!
Here. But be careful. It's hot.
Now go eat and play.
I have lots to do at Colonel's farm.
Did you come alone through the forest?
Without an escort?
Do I look like I need an escort?
Ever since I was as little as you,
I took care of myself.
Let me tell you a secret.
I didn't come alone.
Jaguars followed me the whole time!
-Bye, Mariá!
-Bye!
God bless you!
Maybe being in the past is not that bad.
There's so much beauty.
So much grace, so much playfulness.
-Your blessing, Lampião!
-Your blessing.
God bless you, little goblins.
I'll give you a real if you tell me
who that beautiful lady is.
Oh, it's Mariá, the seamstress.
But she's out of even your league.
-What's a real?
-It's like a dollar, but worth less.
Less than the price on your head?
My head?
-Where are my clothes?
-No idea, Captain.
Who was the son of a wench
who dared take the clothes
of Virgulino Ferreira da Silva,
also known as Lampião?
I really am in the past.
-I'm screwed, I look exactly like--
-Lampião.
Look, Colonel Tibúrcio, it's Lampião.
-Good morning, Captain.
-Help me, Padre Cícero.
IN MEMORY OF