Time Traveling Bong (2016) s01e01 Episode Script

1 [Moaning.]
[Moaning.]
[Dog whine.]
Oh, oh, ouch.
Oh, not again.
Trump just says what he feels.
You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, totally.
Hey, cousin.
Oh, hey guys.
Surprised to see you on the couch, Jeff.
- Not! - [Laughs.]
Oh hey, aren't you guys supposed to be on a date? We just were.
We went to the range.
Donnie made me shoot his gun.
At first, I was scared, but then I was grateful he forced me to do it.
- Mm.
- Cool.
All right, well, I'm late for my night watch shift, so, uh Call me after your wife goes to sleep.
Bye.
[Horn honks "Dixie".]
[Engine revving.]
Ooh, come to Mommy.
Does Donnie still not know you smoke weed? Of course he doesn't.
I can't implicate Donnie.
He's an officer of the law.
No, he's not.
He runs a volunteer neighborhood watch.
You're just a perma-hater 'cause you haven't gotten laid since high school.
Just let me put you on OkCupid.
No, I hate that it's the only way people meet nowadays.
You know, I was born in the wrong decade.
- Born in the wrong decade.
- I know.
- Well, I was.
- I hate when you say that.
You know what? Let me let me Um, I'll open my mail, and I got to close my [Woman moaning.]
[Audio skipping.]
Jeff! This is the third time.
This is the third computer you've broken.
What is wrong with you? Hey, I'm sorry! It's disgusting.
It's not my fault everything's shitty and made in sweatshops nowadays and breaks if a drop of jizz hits it.
Aim, Jeff, or do it away from my computer.
I can't get off without hd porn, Sharee.
It's the only good thing about 2016.
Ew.
Please, stop.
And I'm not alone in that, you know.
[Jars rattle.]
Did you eat my buffalo chicken bites? - No.
- Well, now you owe me [bleep.]
Buffalo chicken bites, you bitch.
Okay.
Chill out.
I'll go to wawa and buy you new bites right now.
Yeah, we will.
Both: But I'm too high to drive.
[Sighs.]
[Bicycle bell dings.]
[Dramatic music.]
[Whooshing.]
- Watch out! - Hey! - Holy shit! - Holy shit! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! [Bleep.]
! [Indistinct police radio chatter.]
- And then these two people - They just came out of the sky.
I mean, they fell, like, smack down on the ground.
They landed There was all this smoke, - and they just materialized - out of thin air.
- And they just appeared.
- I mean, it was unbelievable.
- It was, like, - extraterrestrial.
Look, I'm gonna write down, "one white male killed, jaywalking.
" Again, there was also a black woman.
And they weren't jaywalking.
They literally appeared out of the sky.
Are you high? - Definitely jaywalking, yeah.
- They were jaywalking.
We're done.
Get out of here.
- God, okay.
- Okay, Jesus.
[Siren wailing.]
Whoa.
Oh, my god.
Hey, hey! Oh, hey.
I found a clue! - This is from the people.
- Evidence! I said get out of here! - Jesus! - Jesus Christ.
Both: Whoa.
[Funky music.]
[Dramatic music.]
Looks like Chinese.
I have an app that translates languages in real time.
Look.
Huh, "pencil case.
" It was supposed to say "destiny.
" I'm gonna kill that [Bleep.]
bitch.
Dude, just tell people it says "destiny.
" No one's gonna know.
It said "destiny" in the catalog.
You know what? Actually, why don't you just get it removed? I'm just gonna tell people it's "destiny.
" Why are you being aggressive? I just gave you that idea.
It meant something to me.
Well And now it's meaningless.
No, it means "pencil case.
" Okay, just look.
"Time traveling bong.
" "Smoke once to travel.
Smoke again to return.
" You don't think That this bong we found on the street is a functioning time machine? No, Jeff.
I'm an American citizen.
I'm not an idiot.
We got to try it.
Sure, yeah, right.
It's not real, so yeah, fine.
- Great.
- That's fine.
- Great.
- [Dog whimpers.]
You're gonna feel like a real schmuck pussy if it doesn't work, so I'm not gonna feel like a schmuck pussy if this doesn't make us time travel.
Fine.
Go.
[Whooshing.]
[Whooshing.]
- Oh.
- Ah! Oh.
Wow! [Both shouting.]
Oh, my god! - What is this? - Oh, oh, what is this shit? There's a footprint.
I think it's a dinosaur.
[Growling.]
[Roars.]
[Both scream.]
[Roars.]
[Whooshing.]
Ah! Oh! [Both scream.]
- Oh, it's real.
- Oh, my god! It's real.
- Oh, god.
- Oh! - That was insane! - Oh, my god.
I have to call Donnie.
What? No! No, no, you can't call Donnie.
He's just gonna call the FBI so he can get a key to the city or some shit.
We should call the FBI or or NASA or the police or I don't know.
We shouldn't have this.
What are you doing? Are you kidding? I'm going again.
Sharee, that was the coolest 12 seconds of our lives.
Sorry, Jeff.
I have a boyfriend, and I have a job.
What, you're not gonna time travel because of your shift at hertz rent-a-car? Sharee, we have to.
Think about it.
Anything would be better than the twenty-teens.
We could go anywhere! We could see King tut, you know? I don't care! We could have so much fun, Sharee, like we used to have.
[Groans.]
Listen, if you don't go, I'm gonna go, and then you're gonna miss out, like that time you blacked out when you were at karaoke and Britney Spears came in and they didn't wake you up.
Don't even bring that up.
That is so dick of you to bring that up! I'm just saying, you're gonna miss out big-time.
[Bleep.]
! And we can come right back, right? Yes, we can come right back, and it's as if no time has passed.
Okay, okay.
- Okay, I'm in.
- Yes! Yes! I'm in, as long as we come right back.
Yes.
I promise.
Maybe I'll call hertz rent-a-car first, just let them know I'm not coming in tomorrow.
You're gonna be back before tomorrow.
And even if you weren't, who cares, Sharee? It's hertz rent-a-car.
It's gonna be really fun.
It's gonna be safe.
It's gonna be safe and chill.
Just first let me prepare.
Let me prepare.
[Breathes deeply.]
[Hair straightener sizzling.]
Ah.
Perfect.
Okay, so how does this work? Like, why'd we just go to Dino times? I saw "Jurassic world" last week.
It must have been on my mind.
Oh.
You know, like, in the folds of my brain? Maybe if we visualize where we want to go, we'll go there.
[Exhales forcefully.]
Oh, my god.
You know where I'd love to go? Old Hollywood.
It is so glamorous.
I feel like I'd fit right in.
Sure.
Okay, old Hollywood.
Both: Old Hollywood.
- Old Hollywood.
- Old Hollywood.
- Old - Old Hollywood.
Old Hollywood.
[Whooshing.]
[Mystical music.]
[Dog whines.]
[Whooshing.]
Whoa.
[Dramatic music.]
[People murmuring.]
Ew.
This isn't old Hollywood.
Witch! Witchcraft! No, no, no, no, no! [With foreign accent.]
Good good sire, we're from the future.
You're a lying witch! - Yeah! - Yes! No, no! No, we're not.
I can prove it.
We're from 2016.
[Hip-hop music playing.]
A trick most satanic! - Hey! Come on! - Ooh! Jesus! That was a new phone! That filthy witch has a tiny cauldron.
- No! - Burly man! Let's go.
Let's go.
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke.
No! No! [Glass shatters.]
Both: No! - No! God, no! - Oh, god! Oh! - Burn the witch! - Oh, my g Hey, hey, what are you doing? What are you doing? Stop! Taking her away from you, handsome stranger.
I'm his cousin.
We just came here together.
Quiet, you crinkum-crankum, you fat witch.
I'm not a witch.
If I'm a witch, he's a witch.
[Crowd gasps.]
Tell them, Jeff.
Come on.
Does she speak the truth, sir? Are you also the vicar of Satan? [Ominous music.]
Nope, she's the witch, not me.
- What? - Good enough for me.
Jeff, you [Bleep.]
[Muffled screaming.]
Take her to reverend hale.
All: Aye! - Burly man! - [Muffled grunting.]
Aye! [Muffled screaming.]
I'm sorry.
What is your name, good sir? Jeff.
What strange garb you wear.
From where do you hail? Uh, Jersey? Sir Jeff, the bailiwick of Jersey.
Sure.
Welcome to Salem, the Pearl of Massachusetts.
Wait, this is Massachusetts? Has anyone seen my [Bleep.]
Pete? Ooh.
Definitely Massachusetts.
Yeah.
[Sighs.]
Oh, god.
Is everything all right, sir Jeff? Ugh, no.
This wasn't the witch's cauldron.
It was my pipe My vase-pipe.
You could bring it to the glassblower to have it fixed, sir Jeff.
Silence, woman! Ooh, Jesus.
I have an idea.
You could bring it to the glassblower to have it fixed, sir Jeff.
Wait, you guys have a glassblower here? Ah, that's dope! "Dope"? Oh, um, of course you don't understand.
"Dope" is like "good," you know, "chill," "all chill"? It's good.
It's great.
Chill.
Yeah.
Well.
Dope.
[Muffled screaming.]
And so we brought her to you.
[Muffled screaming.]
Jesus! She's lain with Satan! Forsooth, the balls of beelzebub have bounced upon her chin.
- What? - Silence! If witchcraft has come to Salem, we will stamp it out.
But we must not be hysterical.
We must investigate the accused with scientific tests.
Oh, thank god.
Someone reasonable with logic and and science.
[Screams.]
Oh, god! - Ow! God! - Hmm.
Ow, ow, ow! - She bleeds.
- Ow, my tit! 'Tis a human quality.
We must continue the tests.
If she survives, then she is a witch.
If she dies, then she wasn't.
Oh, [Bleep.]
All: Aye! [Muffled.]
Oh, my god.
So water goes in here, tobacco here.
You suck out of here This will be a quickie blow job for me.
[Laughs.]
Great.
Thank you so much.
Should I wait here, or should I Not probably.
First I'll have to gather some dried kindling to start the fire.
And then I'll have to travel to Brewster to get the coal, which could take almost half a day.
Then I'll have to stoke the fritter furnace.
Okay, um Then Thursday I have a thing.
[Goat bleats.]
Sorry.
We have a thing.
Okay, well, then Let me finish! Gotcha.
The whole thing could take almost half a fortnight, but it will be done [Glass shatters.]
Oh.
Expertly.
You know what? I'm gonna do what I have to do, which is trust you.
You have amazing teeth.
Two rounds of braces.
What? Um, metal things you put on your teeth to make them straight.
- Don't worry about it.
- Okay.
All right, well Oh, could you tell me where they took my cousin, you know, that witch? Don't worry about her.
If I were you, I'd go to town, have some fun.
She's in good hands.
[Screaming.]
- Dunk her again! - Oh, god! [Screaming.]
[Sprightly bagpipe music.]
Oh, god! Oh! Oh! Oh, god! Oh, god! [Laughter.]
[Laughter.]
Oh! Scat, ye devils! Leave the witch alone! [Screaming.]
Girls, help.
Please help me.
Girl power.
Hi, witch.
Gonna help me? Gonna help me out? Come on.
As a matter of fact, we were hoping you could help us.
Huh? We have our hearts set on some of the men in town.
And we are hoping you could put a spell on them so they would love us.
And also fix my back.
But if you can only do one thing, definitely the men one.
God, I'm not a witch! If I was, don't you think I'd [Bleep.]
Fly out of your shitty town? Also, why would you want to be with these guys? They're disgusting.
They [Bleep.]
stink Their breath.
God, when do you get toothpaste? So you can't fix my back? What are you girls doing near the fat witch? Um, we're beating her, sir.
Good! Put your back into it, ladies.
Please, no.
Come on, dude.
- Sorry, witch.
- Sorry, witch.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
[Wolf howls.]
Dee, diddle-diddle-diddle.
Oh-ho, there she is! Whoo! Sharee! Sharee, it's me, Jeff.
How are you, bae? Oh, gosh! God, I'm glad to see you.
Dude, we did it.
We time traveled.
We're in the 1400s.
It's 1691, sir Jeff! Elias! [Laughs.]
Sir Jeff! [Moans.]
God, the people here are so friendly.
Am I right? Look at this.
They gave me this cravat and this vest.
[Moans.]
I look good, right? I got a confession, Sharee.
I love it here.
Right? [Moans.]
Yes, high five.
[Sighs.]
I'm so glad we did this.
You know what? Thank you for doing this with me.
I'm glad we're finally having fun again together, you know? Oh, and, dude, the food Have you had any of this Turkey? Do you want some of this? Oh! Oh, Jesus, Sharee! Dude, I didn't know it was this bad.
I'm so sorry.
We're gonna get out of here, okay? There's a glassblower, and I'm gonna get the bong fixed.
I think he's gonna do an amazing job.
Oh, Sharee, you're really bleeding.
You know I get faint if I see bloo [Panting.]
[Groans.]
[Dramatic music.]
[Bell tolls.]
[Bell ringing.]
Witness the trial of a filthy witch! Witness the trial of a filthy witch! Witch trial? Sharee [Bleep.]
! Witness the trial of a filthy witch! Witness the trial of a filthy witch! Shit.
[Crowd murmuring.]
You know, it really feels like you've made your decision already.
[Gavel pounding.]
Order! The smelly wench has survived many of our tests, which only a witch could survive.
But we have decided we want to hear witness testimony.
Who here has been afflicted? - [Crowd murmurs.]
- Ah! - Line up! - Oh, [Bleep.]
You.
- Nice and neat.
- [Bleep.]
You.
I want to see a clean line.
[Bleep.]
You.
[Dramatic music.]
I need my Sir Jeff.
I think you'll be very happy with me.
Oh, yes, thank you.
[Goat bleats.]
What the [Bleep.]
is that? Why, it's your vase-pipe, sir Jeff.
Looks like shit.
This looks like shit! What did you do? Oh, god! You [bleep.]
You! [Spits.]
Oh! [Goat bleats.]
When erect, my eavesdropper once scored the length of two barleycorn.
Now 'tis but five poppy seeds, all lined up.
Ooh.
I blame the witch.
This is not about me.
Thank you for your testimony, Ezekiel.
You are dismissed.
I would like to call our final witness Sir Jeff, the bailiwick of Jersey! [Crowd cheering.]
Thanks.
[Crowd cheering.]
We just wanted to say I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
That having you here has been so tight.
As such, we have named our main roadway Jeff street.
[Crowd cheering.]
I have made my decision.
I hereby find Don't I don't I even get the chance to defend myself? Of course not.
Hold on, guys.
Wait, wait, wait.
I think she should at least be able to defend herself, right? Okay.
- [Gavel banging.]
- I have an idea.
I think she should be at least able to defend herself, right? Okay.
Well I'd like to read a statement that I've written.
[Crowd gasps.]
A woman who can read and write! There's the proof.
Burn the witch! No, no, no, wait! Wait! Stop! Sharee! [Crowd clamoring.]
[Dramatic music.]
[Hissing.]
[Muffled screaming.]
I put to death this witch.
May this be a message to Satan.
We reject ye! [Crowd cheers.]
Wait, wait, wait.
I was the first afflicted.
I want to set the witch aflame.
Okay, cool.
Yeah, cool.
[Muffled screaming.]
Uh [Clears throat.]
Here goes the witch.
[Whooshing.]
[All screaming.]
Witchcraft is real! Burn all the women! [Women screaming.]
Keep one for birthing! [Women screaming.]
[Whooshing.]
[Both grunting.]
- Oh, god! - Ow! I saved you! You almost got me killed, you asshole.
God.
I found your phone.
I forgive you.
No service.
Where are we? [Bird screeches.]
We're we're not home.
This is not home.
[Bleep.]
! That glassblower must have messed up the bong when he blew it.
Ugh.
This is not my fault.
It is your fault.
You said we'd smoke right back.
So now what, the structural integrity of the bong has changed, so we can't get home and we have no ability to control where we go, forcing us to bounce around the space-time continuum indefinitely? I don't know.
- [Ground rustling.]
- [Both gasp.]
[Both grunting.]
- Cavemen.
- Holy shit.
Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke.
Okay, okay.
[Bleep.]
, it's cashed.
Didn't you bring more weed? No, I thought we'd be right back.
[Both grunting.]
Lie down.
Pretend you're dead.
[Both grunting.]
[Hooting.]
[Grunting.]
[Both sniffing.]
[Dramatic music.]
Oh! Oh! Oh! I'm peeing! Me too!