Titan Maximum (2009) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
Power transfer from A-triple-F drive to long-range weapons underway.
Cannons hot in sixty seconds.
Fire on Titan the instant those cannons come online.
We'll work our way down half the targeting queue before they Commander! Five unknowns deployed from the moon's surface.
Fuck me up the ass.
Okay, team, we've got less than a minute to cornhole those martian buttclowns before they hit our bases! Incoming fire! I told you they'd try something sneaky while Titan's fleet was on the other side of the solar system Ooh, somebody's a smarty smartpants with super smart pants.
Infrared picking up lots of activity.
What does infrared say about your vagina, Jodi? No activity? What is that supposed to mean? Keep it together, team! SASHA: Don't worry, Palmer, I've got ice in my veins! And Jodi's got ice in her vagina, so Hey! Moooooooo.
Shut up.
SPUD: Can I just say something? Whatever happens, I love you guys.
ALL: Awwwwww! Fat dumbass.
The warship's long-range weapons are coming online! Ah fuck it.
Prepare to form Titan Maximum! ALL: Right! Titan Maximum! Aw fuck.
Maximum power punch! Ooohhh, if Sasha captures me, maybe I'll get some side-boob with my elbow! I'm gonna surrender to Palmer! preferably ass first.
Aw yeah! Wow.
Mom's gonna get some rough news.
Wooooooo-hoooooooo! All right! Hey Palmer, your little brother's hot! I want to kiss him! And that is how Titan Maximum saved our entire moon.
A-again.
Sasha never said that! Oh, how do you know? Is your brother the leader of Titan Force Five? Whatever, Willie.
Nobody even gives a whiz about Titan Force Five anymore.
Oh, and what has your brother ever done with his life? Oh, that's right.
Jack effing crap.
My brother's in preschool! Oh no, all the collectibles! What's going on? No way.
[Chanting.]
Pal-mer! Pal-mer! Pal-mer! Pal-mer! Pal-mer! Wooooooooooooooo! All right! That's a new record, folks.
Victory lap.
I'm pretty hot about you.
Back to one! Palmer! You're on TV! Bartender! Volume! The sound of my voice gets me hot.
Yeah, flying a giant robot is awesome! But really making a difference in people's lives That's triple awesome.
Ha ha.
Don't do drugs.
REPORTER: That was two years ago.
A month later, Titan Force Five was defeated, not by enemy spacecraft But by the moon of Titan's own Defense Department, eager to cut the budget during peacetime.
Suddenly these heroes Commander Palmer, surly second-in-command Lieutenant Gibbs, spunky girl-next door Jodi Yanarella and tabloid harlot Sasha Caylo found themselves out of work.
And not long after, the team's lovable goofball, "Spud" Cunningham, perished in a shocking event no one will ever forget.
What's uuuuuuuup? Balcony party, y'all! Got my balcony hooker, got my balcony cocaine Whoops, balcony rail [screaming.]
[Screaming continues.]
[Screaming.]
[Screaming continues.]
[Screaming.]
[Screaming.]
Sensitive viewers may wish to avert their eyes.
Lieutenant Gibbs now joins us live.
Have you stayed in touch with your teammates? Well, I touched Jodi all over the place.
Huh? Up top.
Oh Uh, yea yes.
But seriously, no, I haven't.
They're all a bunch of brainless assholes who deserve to have their genitals burned off with acid.
Next question? Uh W-where will your career path lead you now? Uh, what's next? Hmm.
Well, I've given it a lot of thought, and I've decided I need a change of pace.
So I figured I'd I dunno conquer the solar system, crush all who oppose me, and name myself Super King big nuts.
Oh! Heh-heh! Yes.
But seriously Yeah! Starting right about Hmmmm Now.
Whoa! Oh, and Palmer? Here's a gift, just for you.
Boom! Ooooh.
Brrrrr.
Boom! [Laughs.]
Two at a time! Brrrr brr brr, brr brr brr Bow to your partner your friend's kind of a dick.
Couple's skate only friends.
Doo doo do-do, doo doo doo Oh, and by the way? This.
[Humming.]
Everybody dies now.
[Evil laughter.]
That ain't good.
[Grunting.]
My baaaaaaalls!!! [Grunting.]
Aaaaaahhhhh! Protect the arm, protect the arm Oh, wait a minute Hey, ha ha ha! Jumpin' on the couch! Ha ha ha ha! Stop jumping on that couch, you'll break your arm! Aw, shut up, you old bitch.
Ahhh! My arm! Oh! We have no insurance! I'll have to use your college fund.
My only dream is that my boy would go to college.
Mama! No! Oh, I promise you, mama, I'll never break my arm again! Protect the arm! Aaaaahhh!!! Questions, comments, concerns? I smell pee.
Done correctly, yes, your opponent may spontaneously urinate.
I smell poop.
That was me.
Oh! I've gotta donate blood before I volunteer at the soup kitchen! Good class, everyone! I will see you on Wednesday! Well at least that's over.
[Frantic screaming.]
Oh, my arm! Mama! Holy crow! Yeah! Yes! I! Like! When! You! Do! That! I need feedback, baby.
I need some feedback.
You're doing great! Yeah! You! Over privileged! Dope! Yeah, I think we should see other genitals.
Augh! Hiya dickweed.
Nice pants.
Oh hey, my grandpa's hat.
That's an unfortunate penis.
MAN: Sasha, can I get you a drink? Whoa! [Scratching.]
Bleeehhhh.
This party suuuuuuuucks!!! [Crowd cheers.]
Woo hoo! Look at me! Smile pretty, Sasha.
Over here, Sasha.
You know I'm the shit, I'll give you my picture.
Sasha! Was there a connection between your poor album sales and the fact that it sucked? [Angry shouting.]
Uh.
What day is it? You're welcome.
The fuck? [Footsteps approach.]
[Roars.]
Ahhh, good day, good day.
And time to take a dump.
[Ominous rumbling.]
[Footsteps approach.]
[Roars.]
[Breathes deeply.]
I've got to find my brother! And probably make out with Sasha! No way! With ya! Hey! Hello? Anyone? [Whisk, whisk, whisk.]
Hey, Leon! Where is everybody? Who's been maintaining the ships? It's just you? [Groans.]
[Roars.]
[Horn honks.]
A pink racing stripe? What was I even thinking? If I could only get out of this lease! Ahhh! Ha ha! And away we go! Oh, if I could only get out of this loveless marriage! Great! Thank you.
All right, boys, it's big and ugly but we're the best.
Deploy ordinance on my mark, and I will see you at the titty bar.
[Cheering.]
WOMAN: I really object to that comment, sir.
Yeah that was insensitive, sorry Anderson.
Ah.
What's he d? Ah.
Aaaaaaah! Oh, this is ironic as hell! Tank Alpha Alpha to base.
Sni oh.
Oh.
No idea where this is going but it ain't gonna end pretty.
So much for ol' Tank Alpha Alpha gaaaaaarrgh!!! Ew.
Ow! Dammit! This'll take all freakin' day! Palmer? Jodi! Um, hey! What the? Willie?! Yeah.
He was trying to climb the fence and kept falling off.
Eventually the guards stopped laughing and just beat him with nightsticks.
I'm here to help! Go home, spank blanket! I'm a little busy! Uhhhhhh.
I think we need all the help we can get, Palmer.
And you know I'm studying Roboengineering! At Devry.
But I'm really, really gooooooo Great, now he's got a brain embolism.
I have a vegetable for a brother.
No, it's just Her.
Damn I'll sell you booty crack Addicted to another Kind of smack So much ass So out of wack Watch me shake it Until it's blue and black English baby, baby Has many synonyms for butt [Willie squeaks.]
Palmer.
Grody.
So, your ex-snugglebunny went superbatcrap and wants to play biggest baddest bad guy, hmmmmmm? All right, we can make Jodi cry later.
Leon, write that down.
But right now some freaky crudmonster's renovating the suburbs and our ships kinda sorta won't fly.
Come on, Willie.
Show us what you've got.
Duuuuuuuuuuuur.
[Groans.]
There! There's a boner! [Laughs.]
[Giggles.]
They'll be fine.
Right, Leon? Hey, what are the odds? Cover me on approach! Starboard double dagger! Uh! Whoa! Starboard dagger, you dumb slut! I'm on the wing! You're on butt duty! Damn it! Where's my cover? Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Aaaagh! Whoa.
Look what you did, Jodi.
Me??? It was your stupid actions that got us in Mooooooooooo! Gibbs? Oh how I've missed you, my precious leeches.
The way one misses I don't know, an itchy nutsack.
Gibbs, you fucking traitor! When we catch you I'm gonna fuck you in both your eye sockets with your own fucking dick! I'm going to make sure you're buried with your dick hanging out of your left eye socket, do you hear me?!? Your mom's gonna see it!!! Well, be sure to stab me in my ears too, love, in case you release another album.
You cock sucking motherfucker pig Why'd you do it, Gibbs? You were a hero, man! Well, like an assistant hero, working for the main hero, the main hero being Paaaaalmer Oh, Palmercakes, buddy.
Let's define "main hero.
" The guy who designed every strategy? 'Cause that was me.
Crappity crap.
Crappity crappity crappity crap crap crap.
The guy who planned every battle? 'Cause that was me.
Asscrackers! And now I'm not around, pumpkin.
How's that working out for you? Shrinky dinks! Grrrr!!! Palmer! Ah, there's my girl.
What's new, little miss perfect? Maybe questioning your taste in hunky dudes? Or was it my naughty streak that set your panties aflame in the first place? Oh oh oh oh! Shut up shut up shut up shut up! Aaaaaaagh! Best of luck, kiddles.
[Sighs.]
Good day.
Good day.
They don't stand a chance! Not unless they can form Titan Maximum! What are we going to do, Leon? Leon? Leon? No.
Nooooo.
No no no no no.
Bad monkey! No! [Nervous laugh.]
Okay.
I can do this.
I've played the Titan Maximum video game like, a million times! I mean, that's basically the same thing, right? Oh.
Okay.
Bad diarrhea feeling.
That's not in the game.
Aaaah! [Gasps!.]
Jodi! Evade! [Groans.]
Spud? BOTH: Leon?!? Leon?!? What?!? Leon the fucking monkey? Fuck! And I'm picking up Titan blue to the Northeast! Yeah, maybe a fucking gerbil is flying that one.
No worse.
Oh God! Woo! Ha ha ha ha! Oh jeez! Okay, all right, left left left.
Oh no, right right right right right! Oh god sorry, I'm sorry! Oh! Oh.
Oh.
Ah ha ha! Damnit Willie, that better not be you.
Sorry, big brother, but if we're gonna die, it's gonna be side by side as family! Because I love you, and l- Ah, jeez, I forgot to press "talk.
" Turn around, Willie! Palmer, you doof, this is our chance! No! Sasha's right, Palmer As much as it makes me want to barf up a gallon of sick pukey vomit.
Oh no.
No no no no no.
Uh! Fine! On my mark, team! Form Titan Maximum! Right! Titan Maximum! What is that thing?!? Palmer, our weapons Nothing is online! Then we'll do what we always do Punch the fuck out of it! Oh, piss.
Piss! We we did it! Yeah bitch! All right! Wooo hooo ha ha haaaaaa! Hell yes!!! Uh everyone cool? [All groaning.]
PALMER: Whoa, double time! Look what you did, Jodi.
Cannons hot in sixty seconds.
Fire on Titan the instant those cannons come online.
We'll work our way down half the targeting queue before they Commander! Five unknowns deployed from the moon's surface.
Fuck me up the ass.
Okay, team, we've got less than a minute to cornhole those martian buttclowns before they hit our bases! Incoming fire! I told you they'd try something sneaky while Titan's fleet was on the other side of the solar system Ooh, somebody's a smarty smartpants with super smart pants.
Infrared picking up lots of activity.
What does infrared say about your vagina, Jodi? No activity? What is that supposed to mean? Keep it together, team! SASHA: Don't worry, Palmer, I've got ice in my veins! And Jodi's got ice in her vagina, so Hey! Moooooooo.
Shut up.
SPUD: Can I just say something? Whatever happens, I love you guys.
ALL: Awwwwww! Fat dumbass.
The warship's long-range weapons are coming online! Ah fuck it.
Prepare to form Titan Maximum! ALL: Right! Titan Maximum! Aw fuck.
Maximum power punch! Ooohhh, if Sasha captures me, maybe I'll get some side-boob with my elbow! I'm gonna surrender to Palmer! preferably ass first.
Aw yeah! Wow.
Mom's gonna get some rough news.
Wooooooo-hoooooooo! All right! Hey Palmer, your little brother's hot! I want to kiss him! And that is how Titan Maximum saved our entire moon.
A-again.
Sasha never said that! Oh, how do you know? Is your brother the leader of Titan Force Five? Whatever, Willie.
Nobody even gives a whiz about Titan Force Five anymore.
Oh, and what has your brother ever done with his life? Oh, that's right.
Jack effing crap.
My brother's in preschool! Oh no, all the collectibles! What's going on? No way.
[Chanting.]
Pal-mer! Pal-mer! Pal-mer! Pal-mer! Pal-mer! Wooooooooooooooo! All right! That's a new record, folks.
Victory lap.
I'm pretty hot about you.
Back to one! Palmer! You're on TV! Bartender! Volume! The sound of my voice gets me hot.
Yeah, flying a giant robot is awesome! But really making a difference in people's lives That's triple awesome.
Ha ha.
Don't do drugs.
REPORTER: That was two years ago.
A month later, Titan Force Five was defeated, not by enemy spacecraft But by the moon of Titan's own Defense Department, eager to cut the budget during peacetime.
Suddenly these heroes Commander Palmer, surly second-in-command Lieutenant Gibbs, spunky girl-next door Jodi Yanarella and tabloid harlot Sasha Caylo found themselves out of work.
And not long after, the team's lovable goofball, "Spud" Cunningham, perished in a shocking event no one will ever forget.
What's uuuuuuuup? Balcony party, y'all! Got my balcony hooker, got my balcony cocaine Whoops, balcony rail [screaming.]
[Screaming continues.]
[Screaming.]
[Screaming continues.]
[Screaming.]
[Screaming.]
Sensitive viewers may wish to avert their eyes.
Lieutenant Gibbs now joins us live.
Have you stayed in touch with your teammates? Well, I touched Jodi all over the place.
Huh? Up top.
Oh Uh, yea yes.
But seriously, no, I haven't.
They're all a bunch of brainless assholes who deserve to have their genitals burned off with acid.
Next question? Uh W-where will your career path lead you now? Uh, what's next? Hmm.
Well, I've given it a lot of thought, and I've decided I need a change of pace.
So I figured I'd I dunno conquer the solar system, crush all who oppose me, and name myself Super King big nuts.
Oh! Heh-heh! Yes.
But seriously Yeah! Starting right about Hmmmm Now.
Whoa! Oh, and Palmer? Here's a gift, just for you.
Boom! Ooooh.
Brrrrr.
Boom! [Laughs.]
Two at a time! Brrrr brr brr, brr brr brr Bow to your partner your friend's kind of a dick.
Couple's skate only friends.
Doo doo do-do, doo doo doo Oh, and by the way? This.
[Humming.]
Everybody dies now.
[Evil laughter.]
That ain't good.
[Grunting.]
My baaaaaaalls!!! [Grunting.]
Aaaaaahhhhh! Protect the arm, protect the arm Oh, wait a minute Hey, ha ha ha! Jumpin' on the couch! Ha ha ha ha! Stop jumping on that couch, you'll break your arm! Aw, shut up, you old bitch.
Ahhh! My arm! Oh! We have no insurance! I'll have to use your college fund.
My only dream is that my boy would go to college.
Mama! No! Oh, I promise you, mama, I'll never break my arm again! Protect the arm! Aaaaahhh!!! Questions, comments, concerns? I smell pee.
Done correctly, yes, your opponent may spontaneously urinate.
I smell poop.
That was me.
Oh! I've gotta donate blood before I volunteer at the soup kitchen! Good class, everyone! I will see you on Wednesday! Well at least that's over.
[Frantic screaming.]
Oh, my arm! Mama! Holy crow! Yeah! Yes! I! Like! When! You! Do! That! I need feedback, baby.
I need some feedback.
You're doing great! Yeah! You! Over privileged! Dope! Yeah, I think we should see other genitals.
Augh! Hiya dickweed.
Nice pants.
Oh hey, my grandpa's hat.
That's an unfortunate penis.
MAN: Sasha, can I get you a drink? Whoa! [Scratching.]
Bleeehhhh.
This party suuuuuuuucks!!! [Crowd cheers.]
Woo hoo! Look at me! Smile pretty, Sasha.
Over here, Sasha.
You know I'm the shit, I'll give you my picture.
Sasha! Was there a connection between your poor album sales and the fact that it sucked? [Angry shouting.]
Uh.
What day is it? You're welcome.
The fuck? [Footsteps approach.]
[Roars.]
Ahhh, good day, good day.
And time to take a dump.
[Ominous rumbling.]
[Footsteps approach.]
[Roars.]
[Breathes deeply.]
I've got to find my brother! And probably make out with Sasha! No way! With ya! Hey! Hello? Anyone? [Whisk, whisk, whisk.]
Hey, Leon! Where is everybody? Who's been maintaining the ships? It's just you? [Groans.]
[Roars.]
[Horn honks.]
A pink racing stripe? What was I even thinking? If I could only get out of this lease! Ahhh! Ha ha! And away we go! Oh, if I could only get out of this loveless marriage! Great! Thank you.
All right, boys, it's big and ugly but we're the best.
Deploy ordinance on my mark, and I will see you at the titty bar.
[Cheering.]
WOMAN: I really object to that comment, sir.
Yeah that was insensitive, sorry Anderson.
Ah.
What's he d? Ah.
Aaaaaaah! Oh, this is ironic as hell! Tank Alpha Alpha to base.
Sni oh.
Oh.
No idea where this is going but it ain't gonna end pretty.
So much for ol' Tank Alpha Alpha gaaaaaarrgh!!! Ew.
Ow! Dammit! This'll take all freakin' day! Palmer? Jodi! Um, hey! What the? Willie?! Yeah.
He was trying to climb the fence and kept falling off.
Eventually the guards stopped laughing and just beat him with nightsticks.
I'm here to help! Go home, spank blanket! I'm a little busy! Uhhhhhh.
I think we need all the help we can get, Palmer.
And you know I'm studying Roboengineering! At Devry.
But I'm really, really gooooooo Great, now he's got a brain embolism.
I have a vegetable for a brother.
No, it's just Her.
Damn I'll sell you booty crack Addicted to another Kind of smack So much ass So out of wack Watch me shake it Until it's blue and black English baby, baby Has many synonyms for butt [Willie squeaks.]
Palmer.
Grody.
So, your ex-snugglebunny went superbatcrap and wants to play biggest baddest bad guy, hmmmmmm? All right, we can make Jodi cry later.
Leon, write that down.
But right now some freaky crudmonster's renovating the suburbs and our ships kinda sorta won't fly.
Come on, Willie.
Show us what you've got.
Duuuuuuuuuuuur.
[Groans.]
There! There's a boner! [Laughs.]
[Giggles.]
They'll be fine.
Right, Leon? Hey, what are the odds? Cover me on approach! Starboard double dagger! Uh! Whoa! Starboard dagger, you dumb slut! I'm on the wing! You're on butt duty! Damn it! Where's my cover? Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Aaaagh! Whoa.
Look what you did, Jodi.
Me??? It was your stupid actions that got us in Mooooooooooo! Gibbs? Oh how I've missed you, my precious leeches.
The way one misses I don't know, an itchy nutsack.
Gibbs, you fucking traitor! When we catch you I'm gonna fuck you in both your eye sockets with your own fucking dick! I'm going to make sure you're buried with your dick hanging out of your left eye socket, do you hear me?!? Your mom's gonna see it!!! Well, be sure to stab me in my ears too, love, in case you release another album.
You cock sucking motherfucker pig Why'd you do it, Gibbs? You were a hero, man! Well, like an assistant hero, working for the main hero, the main hero being Paaaaalmer Oh, Palmercakes, buddy.
Let's define "main hero.
" The guy who designed every strategy? 'Cause that was me.
Crappity crap.
Crappity crappity crappity crap crap crap.
The guy who planned every battle? 'Cause that was me.
Asscrackers! And now I'm not around, pumpkin.
How's that working out for you? Shrinky dinks! Grrrr!!! Palmer! Ah, there's my girl.
What's new, little miss perfect? Maybe questioning your taste in hunky dudes? Or was it my naughty streak that set your panties aflame in the first place? Oh oh oh oh! Shut up shut up shut up shut up! Aaaaaaagh! Best of luck, kiddles.
[Sighs.]
Good day.
Good day.
They don't stand a chance! Not unless they can form Titan Maximum! What are we going to do, Leon? Leon? Leon? No.
Nooooo.
No no no no no.
Bad monkey! No! [Nervous laugh.]
Okay.
I can do this.
I've played the Titan Maximum video game like, a million times! I mean, that's basically the same thing, right? Oh.
Okay.
Bad diarrhea feeling.
That's not in the game.
Aaaah! [Gasps!.]
Jodi! Evade! [Groans.]
Spud? BOTH: Leon?!? Leon?!? What?!? Leon the fucking monkey? Fuck! And I'm picking up Titan blue to the Northeast! Yeah, maybe a fucking gerbil is flying that one.
No worse.
Oh God! Woo! Ha ha ha ha! Oh jeez! Okay, all right, left left left.
Oh no, right right right right right! Oh god sorry, I'm sorry! Oh! Oh.
Oh.
Ah ha ha! Damnit Willie, that better not be you.
Sorry, big brother, but if we're gonna die, it's gonna be side by side as family! Because I love you, and l- Ah, jeez, I forgot to press "talk.
" Turn around, Willie! Palmer, you doof, this is our chance! No! Sasha's right, Palmer As much as it makes me want to barf up a gallon of sick pukey vomit.
Oh no.
No no no no no.
Uh! Fine! On my mark, team! Form Titan Maximum! Right! Titan Maximum! What is that thing?!? Palmer, our weapons Nothing is online! Then we'll do what we always do Punch the fuck out of it! Oh, piss.
Piss! We we did it! Yeah bitch! All right! Wooo hooo ha ha haaaaaa! Hell yes!!! Uh everyone cool? [All groaning.]
PALMER: Whoa, double time! Look what you did, Jodi.