Toast of Tinseltown (2022) s01e01 Episode Script

This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour
Any second now.
You a JFK fan, Steven?
You have any strong opinions
about his assassination? No.
Though I do know, due to
the actions of one skinny loser,
I'm here yet again voicing another
bullshit conspiracy theory.
Well, according to this
Mirrornek guy, it was his wife.
I couldn't give two fucks.
How many words is this?
Hello, Steven, this is
Clem Fandango, can you hear me?
How many words, Clem Fandango?
About 100,000 words.
Phew, that's a lot of bullshit.
He's very angry today. Yeah.
What's with this laptop?
He's not going to join us, is he?
Is he?
Sorry to interrupt, Steven,
Sola Mirrornek is about
to join us from Dallas. Why?
Just wants to keep an eye on things.
He's going to appear
on the laptop in front of you.
He should be there now. Yes.
Steven Toast, meet Sola.
Yeah, hello.
What? Hello, Sola, this is
Clem Fandango, can you hear me?
Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.
Brilliant. Let's start.
In your own time, Steven.
The
All right, hold it, hold it.
I just need to stop you there.
No problem. What is it, Sola?
Did he say "duh"?
No, he didn't. He said "the".
Huh. Sounded to me like duh.
I don't know,
maybe it's his English accent.
And can I also say, just for the
record, the idea of an English actor
reading this came from my publisher,
not from me.
I need to make that totally clear,
I hated the idea.
OK, still rolling.
The idea You know what?
Now that I hear it,
I'm not so sure.
I never really liked that first
sentence, I might do a
I might do a quick rewrite.
This is bullshit.
I lost my train of thought.
Forget it, forget it.
It's probably OK as it is,
keep going.
Action.
The idea that John F Kennedy
Alarm bells.
There's a touch of cynicism in his
voice. You guys hear that too?
Cynicism?
And another thing,
I heard what you said about Oswald
being a lone assassin.
Only an asshole would believe that!
So, if you don't mind, I'd rather
you kept your personal prejudices
to yourself, you got that?
OK, Steven,
you want to make a note of that?
Yeah, I'll make a note of that.
The idea that John F Kennedy was
killed by a single assassin
is not only an impossibility,
it's also bullshit.
Wait a second, wait a second -
are you serious,
is this guy a real actor?
There, there.
I should hate him.
But actually, I miss him terribly!
Have another tissue, Sue.
Won't you run out?
I always have lots of tissues
for distressed clients.
What's the matter with her?
Ah, Toast, this is Sue Pipkins,
she's just joined the agency.
Why is she weeping?
Her husband left her.
What, today? Six weeks ago.
Six weeks ago?
Are you fucking kidding? Is that it?
You could have got
remarried in that time.
To be honest, I'm not surprised
your husband left you
with all this blubbering.
Shut up, Toast.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Sue!
Sorry, Sue.
Really, Toast!
Why are you so angry all the time?
What do you want, Jane?
I have tremendous news.
I finally heard back
from the Sam Mendes people. Who?
Sam Mendes, famous film director.
And?
I'm afraid you didn't get the part
of the agoraphobic fighter pilot.
That audition was 15 years ago,
Jane.
But I've had another enquiry
about you -
more reality TV,
could be a money-spinner.
Never again. Why not?
Shit.
Broken neck.
Ah, yes. Strictly no dancing.
Strictly Come Dancing, Jane.
What kind of dancing show would it
be without any dancing on it?
I've no idea. To be honest, I'll not
sure why it's called Come Dancing.
Hopefully it's nothing to do with
the Strictly curse, what?
May I remind you, Toast,
that the cash you earned from
Strictly prevented you
from gripping the oak and spending
two years at Her Majesty's,
and what thanks do I get?
Do you know what you are, Toast?
You're a BLEEP.
Jane!
No other word for it, I'm afraid.
Yes?
Great!
Brilliant news!
I didn't want to say anything
until it'd been confirmed,
and now it has been. What has?
Do you remember a man telling you
to keep your voice down
in Tesco's last week?
Yes, some soppy Yank carrying
a small dog.
That soppy yank, as you call him,
was Neil Doubledecker,
who happens to be a top Hollywood
producer. Who cares?
All these British actors obsessed
with working in America.
If you're in a shit show,
it doesn't matter where you film it,
you may as well be in your own bed.
Neil Doubledecker is interested in
you for a role in his new movie.
Oh, right. So when can I meet
this Doubledecker?
"DOOB-ledecker". He thinks you're
absolutely brilliant.
I showed him your showreel, he was
literally bowled over. Fantastic.
He thinks you're the best actor
he's ever seen anywhere,
and that if you were to
appear in one of his films,
you could almost certainly win
a Critics' Choice Award.
Well, that sounds great.
It does, doesn't it?
It's utterly marvellous!
Your big break at last, Toast.
At last! Yeah!
There is, however,
one small obstacle in the way,
there's another actor who
Doubledecker thinks is
equally as good as you.
In fact, he thinks this actor may be
slightly better. Ugh, no.
He has to choose between you and
Who?!
Ray bloody Purchase?!
Never mind.
Let's assume you'll get the gig.
This could actually be an opportune
time for you
to depart to the US of A.
Talking of Americans,
how did you get on with that author,
Sola Mirrornek?
I'll tell you how I got on with him,
that bastard had the audacity to ask
whether I was a professional actor.
Well, are you? What?!
Look, Toast,
it's between you and Purchase.
You'd better make sure you do
a brilliant audition.
Audition?!
He is terribly, terribly angry,
all the time.
Yes, Jane,
he really is terribly angry.
Maybe we should organise some
kind of intervention?
I'm actually thinking I may
send him to a doctor.
Yes, India?
Toast's on his way up. Ugh.
He's here, Ed. Better hang up.
Ah, Toast.
Look, Toast, I'll come straight
to the point - do you think,
both as an actor and a human
being, you've turned into an angry
and unreasonable piece of shit?
That's a bit strong, isn't it, Jane?
Your language really has become
increasingly fruity.
I'm no more angry than
I've ever been.
Several people have mentioned it.
Like who? Idris Elba.
Who?
Your peculiar flatmate, Ed.
And there's an article about
it in The Stage.
Luckily, it's The Stage
and only actors read that,
in the way that only gardeners
read The Garden.
The Guardian.
No, The Garden, gardening magazine.
Look, Toast, I've been thinking,
I really think
you need to see a doctor.
I don't trust doctors.
Last time I had a bad back,
he told me to join a choir. He what?
The doctor told me
I should go to choir practicer.
Well, maybe he meant a chiropractor?
A what?! Something to do with backs.
Look, Toast, I'm going
to book you the appointment.
I just need to get you through
this audition tomorrow.
Be very calm, very polite. Yes.
You keep that famous Toast anger
under control, alrighty?
Yes?
Thanks for letting me know.
What's the matter with you, Jane?
You've got a face like a slapped
arse. Bad news, I'm afraid.
The producer's just offered the role
to Ray Purchase. What?!
Apparently Ray went in there,
did his best Cary Grant,
charmed them all,
got offered the job on the spot.
Perhaps Doubledecker
knows about your temper?
Ray ♪
Hello, George. Francis, how's life?
Ugh, you're kidding.
Just the usual, please.
Hold back on the water,
I know what you're like.
Oh.
Sorry, Toast,
I didn't notice you there.
I was just about to phone you,
as it happens.
Bad luck, losing out on that
career-changing Hollywood movie gig.
The word is you lost out
because they heard you have a
bit of an anger issue.
Anyway.
No hard feelings.
And don't worry about
that 50 you owe me,
whenever you've got it, it's fine.
In fact, look, here's another 50.
I haven't been around for a while,
Toast, I expect you've noticed.
No.
In fact, something really
serious happened.
I reached
..peak anger.
Peak anger?
Yes, peak anger.
I figured I should do
something about it
so I booked myself into this
countryside retreat.
Yoga, meditation,
that kind of thing. Ha!
Run by a fantastic chap
called Des Wigwam.
Who specialises in anger management.
Yeah, I'll bet.
Smashing guy, super people there.
Anyway, now I feel
..not angry any more.
I'm a whole new "Ray Purchase".
Why are you doing quotation marks
with your fingers?
You are Ray Purchase.
I suppose I'm the new "improved"
Ray Purchase. Spare me.
Toast, after what happened,
I think you should go and
see this Wigwam guy.
Here, look, I'll give you his card.
I feelgreat.
I feel terrible.
Your name looks familiar.
Do you ever get confused with?
Dr Harold Shipman?
Thankfully, I'm not him.
No, luckily I dodged a bullet
on that front. My name's Shitman.
Dr Harold Shitman.
Please take a seat.
Your blood pressure's dangerously
high, you're not breathing freely
and there's a serious risk
of heart failure.
I'm not a doctor,
what does all that mean?
It means you need
to change your lifestyle.
You're an actor, aren't you?
I saw the piece in The Stage about
you being very angry.
I thought only Actors read that?
The way only doctors read
The Doctor's Surgery?
Well, I'm an actor and a doctor. Oh.
There's a place in the country
people go to,
run by a smashing chap called
Les Tepee? No. Des Wigwam.
That's what I meant.
Let me give you his card.
He said my blood pressure is
dangerously high,
I'm not breathing freely and there's
a high risk of heart failure.
I'm not a doctor,
what does all that mean?
It's not good, apparently.
I have an idea, Toast.
Something that might interest you.
Well, she looks charming enough
but I fear I may come a cropper
with the old dicky ticker.
No, there is another place people
keep telling me about,
an anger management unit
run by a chap called Chris Marquee.
Or was it Rob Scout Hut?
Something like that.
Do you mean Des Wigwam? That's it.
I've heard he's very good.
You should go there, Toast.
You've been on edge a lot lately.
Yeah, I have.
Who the fuck is that?
And what kind of arsehole would
call now, when we're having our tea?
Answer me that?
You can't, Ed, can you? You can't!
Looks like peak anger.
I think I need help.
How far is this bloody place?
Bloody situation this is,
I don't even want to bloody be here.
That was me, just two years ago.
And this is me today.
That's what my anger led me to,
alcohol.
Homelessness.
A shitty attitude.
But I turned my life around.
And you can too.
People ask me, "Why, Des, why?"
I say, "Who?"
They say, "What?"
Oh, I don't believe it. What?
That's Steven Toast,
he was incredibly rude to me. Why?
My husband had just left me,
so I had a breakdown,
Toast was totally unsympathetic.
I read he was one of the most angry
people in show business.
A real piece of shit.
OK. For the first exercise today,
I'd like you all
to just walk around the room.
Oh, God.
Come on, start walking.
Nice and slow.
Very good, very good.
OK, everybody, stop.
Look at the person closest to you.
Look closely at this person.
How does he or she make you feel?
What do you think?
Steven?
Oh, erm
I feel nothing but utter contempt.
Disgust, horror, hatred,
even looking at her makes me
feel physically sick.
OK, don't say the words out loud.
Right.
How do you feel about that, Sue?
Shit.
That didn't go according to plan.
It's early days.
Right, Steven?
I can honestly say I I've never felt
less angry in my entire life.
It took a while with you, Toast.
You were a particularly difficult
case, but we got there in the end.
Well, I have to thank you.
Thank you, Des Wigwam.
It's what we do. You see,
we close down all your emotions.
You'll never get angry again. But
neither will you feel anything else.
Happiness, relief, satisfaction,
love, contentment, sorrow or pain.
Well, you kept that quiet. Did I?
Well, you must be furious with me.
No, I feel absolutely nothing.
Great.
You are now anger-free.
Just one final thing - you
will feel copious amounts of guilt.
Well, it's interesting you
say that, the first thing I'll do
when I get home is I'm going to
apologise to every single person
I've ever been rude to.
Good luck, Toast.
I've forgotten my case.
Yeah, it's just there.
Annoyed?
Not at all. Great.
The first person I'm going to
apologise to is Purchase.
Now, I know we've had our
differences in the past but I happen
to think he's an all-right guy
and I'm sure the feeling's mutual.
You'll see.
I'm obviously going to be
very famous!
And make lots and lots of money!
Darling, I'm in a particularly
good mood.
What's say we spend the afternoon
Oh, not now, Ray.
Purchase.
Hi, Ray, me old pal, it's Toast.
Yes, I'd like to apologise for being
rude to you over the years and
not to mention, feeling extremely
guilty for making love to your wife.
In your bed, sometimes
when you've been in the house
and sometimes
when you've been in the bed.
Every week for the past 20 years.
So, sorry chap, and all the best!
Ha!
What's the matter, Ray?
Ray ♪
Toast said he's been making
love to you
in our bed
every week for the last 20 years.
Really?
Hmm. I don't remember that.
He's probably mistaken you
for someone else.
I know you're completely innocent,
my darling.
But on the off chance that he
is telling the truth
..I need to teach Toast a lesson!
Oh, honestly, Ray, you should be
in a terrific mood after being
offered a role in that
Hollywood movie.
But you look like you're suddenly
getting angry again.
I wonder if there's anything about
it in the small print?
Oh, there it is.
In tiny, tiny letters,
"Normal emotions may return if the
"patient is reminded of a previous
trauma or hears some bad news."
I'm going out!
So, Jane, I've decided to meet lots
of people in the Colonial later.
I'm going to apologise to every
man Jack and woman Jack
of them individually.
I'm here, Toast.
Oh, yes.
That should cover it. Thanks, Toast.
Sorry for everything, Ian.
Now for this lot.
I say, thank you all for coming.
I owe each one of you a sincere
apology for my anger over the years.
I'm actually getting
quite emotional.
Keep it together, Toast.
You're making a tomfool
of yourself.
Yes, you're right, Blair.
By the way, Toast, you owe me £200.
Well, I've given all my cash to Ian,
to pay my bar tab.
Bar tab?!
Toast, the only reason all of us
are here tonight
in this bugger house is
because we thought you
were going to repay our loans.
That's the only reason we're here.
Now, what say you, sir?
Good Lord.
You'll be lucky.
By my reckoning,
I'd say I'm the only man in this
room that owes you, Toast.
This.
It's for making love to my wife
in my bed,
sometimes when I was in the house,
actually, sometimes
even when I was in the bed!
For the last 20
Oh, yeah! Come on, Purchase,
ruck in there!
Knock him out!
What have you got, Toast?
Oh, my goodness.
Purchase!
Come on, Purchase!
All right, gentlemen,
£20 on the man in the moustache.
God, not in the knackers.
Oh, my giddy Aunt Sally!
That'll teach you,
Ray bloody Purchase.
Champagne, sir?
It's an 1841 Veuve Clicquot.
I'll bet it is!
There you go, sir.
Jane? I'm safely on the plane.
Away from the baying mob.
Can you believe they only turned up
to collect money off me?
Ha! Saved in the nick of time.
Now, let me give you some more
details about the terrific
stroke of luck you've had.
With Purchase now
out of the picture,
I immediately contacted Doubledecker
to say you were still
very much available.
He said yes immediately, they're
even paying for your flight.
Ha! Thank God for Doubledecker.
"DOOB-ledecker".
And hooray for Hollywood,
you're going to Tinseltown, Toast.
Can you believe it?
How's Ray Purchase?
Two broken legs
and a badly sprained neck,
he'll be out of action for months.
Two broken legs, fantastic!
Everything's worked out dandy,
Jane, just dandy.
Have a nice day! Ha!
I almost forgot, what's the name of
the movie that I'm going to be in?
The latest Star Wars movie.
You've heard of the Star Wars,
I take it?
Yes, Jane,
even I've heard Star Wars.
Excuse me, buddy?
I think you're in my seat.
Oh, yes.
Apologies, old chap.
Toast.
Steven Toast.
I'm Nightlife.
Russ Nightlife.
Pleased to meet you.