Todd & the Book of Pure Evil (2010) s01e01 Episode Script
Todd the Metal God
Are you wussies ready to be annihilated? Witness the awesome power of Todd! I am Todd the metal God! I want you, Todd.
This song goes out to the owner of these sweet panties.
Jenny kolinsky! It's a love song I wrote called "sexy she-witch of Hades!" I chort off better than you play! Chort offs! Chort offs! Chort offs! Chort offs! Chort offs! Chort offs! Chort offs! Knock it off, Stuart.
C'mon, we're just having a little fun, babe.
Just wait 'til you hear the song I wrote for you.
You wrote a song for me? Thank you.
Barbarian apocalyp se.
That was wonderful.
Next up is quarterback.
Goodnight, crowley high! * I hurt I hurt * * I hurt fooooor you! * * I can't get you out of my head.
* * I can't sleep alone in my bed.
* can barely breathe, or speak, or move.
dude, we totally kicked hatch! They were chorting off at us.
I thought they were chorting off with us.
Face it, Curtis, we totally sucked.
You know what your problem is? You need to get baked.
I'm not in the mood.
What? But, you're always in the mood.
Man, this is about Jenny, isn't it? I can't stop thinking about her.
And it's not just her awesome rack.
She's smart and, like, mysterious and she's got an awesome rack.
Man, what does she see in that twit? He can play guitar and sing at the same time, he's really good-looking, got a cool car, captain of the football team, and I hear he's got a jock, like, the size of a jock and a half.
But, I bet your jock is, like, the size of 2 jocks.
And those 2 jocks have 2 sets of bags.
And 2 sets of bags are exactly what I need to make Jenny forget about that jock-rock loser! Jock and a half rock loser, but yes! Let's go show Jenny your bags.
Jenny, how do I put this delicately? Sometimes, daddies leave home because they just don't want to be daddies anymore.
Okay, it's not about you.
It's about not wanting to b e with you.
But, he didn't lea ve me, Mr.
Murphy, he disappeared.
And I think it has something to do with this.
Where did you get this picture? It was hidden in my dad's office.
He was researching the origins of this book.
Well, Jenny, my advice to you is start focusing on your school books and not on this fool's book.
Now, shoo Mr.
Murphy has a lot of business to attend to.
Thanks for nothing.
Thanks for nothing.
It's me- we're going to have to deal with the daughter as well.
Okay, she's coming, don't freak out.
Go get her, Todd.
Thanks a lot, stoogecake! Um- I'm sorry can you just leave it, okay? Enjoying the scenery? Um I'm- I'm Todd.
Is this conversation going anywhere? Do you want it to go somewhere? 'Cause we could, like we could, like, go, like, for ice cream, or something Did you just ask my woman out? Just leave him alone, Stuart.
Yeah, Stuart we'll settle this at the battle of the bands.
You didn't even make the cut! Pin-hole.
Even guitars gently weep, little dude.
Yeah? What do you know? Check it out, little dude this self defeatist manner, bro, does not become you.
You gotta show all those posers, man, that you truly are a heavy metal God.
But, I'm a loser.
You could always practice.
Loser.
Or you could find the book of pure evil.
The what? Anyone who listens to metal knows the book of pure evil.
Loser.
Legend has it that the book was stitched together with the foreskin of Judas.
That must have been some foreskin.
I gotta get back to class.
The book of pure evil can give you anything you desire.
Anything I desire? Imagine, little dude, the one thing you want more than anything.
Feel it, loser, deep inside.
Deep inside? Inside your pants.
Toke? Imagine the one thing you want more than anything Feel it, loser, deep inside.
Inside your pants Pants pants I want you, Todd.
The book of pure evil can make any desire come true.
Toke? It was stitched together from the foreskin of Judas.
Foreskin toke? Anything you desire Foreskin foreskin What you doing there, Todd? Oh, hey, Jimmy do you think you could open that case for me? It's gonna cost ya.
Well, I got A buck forty-nine and my lucky condom.
How long have you had that lucky condom? I don't know, a couple of years, I guess.
I'll take the money.
"Planto mihi lascivio "Valde sanus!" Stooge! Did you just call me a stooge? If the stooge fits.
I challengeouou to a duel.
Your guitar against mine.
Lunch hour.
In the cafeteria.
I'm gonna slay you, Todd.
I'm going to make you bleed out your hatch.
You're going down, dude.
He's totally going to slay you, Todd.
This time it shall be I who slays he.
Your voice just went totally awesome.
Hey, where'd youetet that guitar? Let's do this.
Elececicic guitar music) Hehey y metal micic) Yeah, , td! (Studentsts cerer what the fuggles? Help me, Jenny I'm bleeding out of my hatch.
Uh, there-there, baby Ow! If I could do it again, I would have made him bleed out his Yeah, I don't know, man hey, Todd! Your band is so awesome.
I was just thinking if you wanted to get together and talk about metal, or metallurgy, I would be more than happy to do that.
Yeah, you might want to get that framed.
Um No idea who she is and she's always like- dude! That was amazing.
Uh Curtis, meet the new members of barbarian apocalypse.
We're replacing quarterback at battle of the bands tonight.
That's awesome! Two drummers! Yeah! I'm sorry, Curtis, but we don't need two drummers in the band.
What are you saying? I'm saying, I'm sorry, Curtis, but we don't need two drummers in the band.
Curtis no, I heard you the second time.
Loud and clear.
Welcome to crowley high's battle of the bands.
Well, tonight we start with the hip-hop stylings ofPosse fresh.
Posse fresh, fresh! Posse fresh.
Whatever.
Rich.
Hi, Todd.
You were amazing in the cafeteria today.
Where'd you get that cool guitar? Ow! My guitar's a little sensitive about other people touching it.
Are you sensitive to touch? Uh Why don't you and I go someplace private? I'd love to see these magical fingers of yours at work.
She doesn't want your paws on her fun bags.
She wants her hands on the book! Who knows? Maybe you could teach me a few things.
She's onto us.
Eliminate her.
Do her, then eliminate her.
No! Eliminate her, then do her? What's going on, Todd? Look, I gotta get ready to go on stage.
I know you have the book, Todd! You have no idea how dangerous it is.
Now, hand it over! She just wants the book for herself! She doesn't care about you! You just want the book for yourself! You doesn't care about me! Yeah, you got that right! Now, give it to me! Todd! Todd! Todd, you little dork-nugget! Let me out! Todd, don't you run away! Get back here! Our final act - mercifully is barbarian apocalypse.
Yeah, Todd! Prepare to be conquered, crowley high! Conquer me, Todd.
The book of pure evil? After all these years Hello? Help! Get me out of this locker! I have to save the school before everybody dies! Hold on! Hurry! One more! That's good! Cover your ears! We've got to stop Todd! You shall die! Do something! You do something! Ahhhhhhhhhh! Don't do it, Curtis! It's the only clue I have to find my dad.
Don't do it, Curtis! Join me and you will have everything you ever dreamed of.
I'm sorry, Todd, this bad beast has got to burn.
No! Todd! Shoot! Todd, are you okay? Don't worry about me.
Are you okay? Eew, what the heck is goin' on in here? Uh The battle of the bands kind of got out of control.
You kids sure know how to party, man I haven't seen this much blood since that kid bled out his hatch this morning.
Dude, that was so awesome.
Except for almost killing everyone.
Yeah, I'm just glad it's over.
What do you mean over? That thing's still out there and we've got to find it before it hurts anybody else.
Uh, not my problem.
Let somebody else deal with it.
Let's go get baked awesome.
After everything that's happened, how can you not feel responsible? God, you guys are such idiots.
Dude, this is your chance to finally get close to Jenny.
Hey, Jenny, wait! Now, I've given it a lot of thought and I think that the best way to find the book is to work together.
Close.
R eal close.
I'm already regretting this.
So, are we getting paid for this? No, we're not getting paid.
I really think we should be drawing some kind of salary.
Well, it's not going to happen, okay? We should, like, go back to your house tonight and talk about how we're going to find the book.
Um, that's not going to happen either.
Yeah, it's a bit late.
Let's do it tomorrow night.
I can totally do it tomorrow night.
Uh, I don't remember you being invited, dude.
Uh, I don't remember you being invited, dude.
I can't believe the book actually exists.
It was totally like, 'pow'! And then I was like, 'whoa'! And then the book totally flew away.
The prophecy! We must prepare for the final countdown.
I'll sharpen the knives and get a goat.
Silence! It is a glorious day.
At long last we have found the book.
And soon it will be ours again.
The prophecy will be fulfilled and we will reap the rewards.
Um, yeah- about that prophecy the book flew away.
In flames.
All gone, bye-bye.
Oh, atticus, it takes more than fire to destroy the book.
It survives.
Perhaps weakened, but searching for another soul from which to draw power.
It will make itself known to whomever needs it the most.
The insecure.
The desperate.
The feeble.
They will find comfort in the bosom of the book.
Then there will be chaos.
And that's a good thing?
This song goes out to the owner of these sweet panties.
Jenny kolinsky! It's a love song I wrote called "sexy she-witch of Hades!" I chort off better than you play! Chort offs! Chort offs! Chort offs! Chort offs! Chort offs! Chort offs! Chort offs! Knock it off, Stuart.
C'mon, we're just having a little fun, babe.
Just wait 'til you hear the song I wrote for you.
You wrote a song for me? Thank you.
Barbarian apocalyp se.
That was wonderful.
Next up is quarterback.
Goodnight, crowley high! * I hurt I hurt * * I hurt fooooor you! * * I can't get you out of my head.
* * I can't sleep alone in my bed.
* can barely breathe, or speak, or move.
dude, we totally kicked hatch! They were chorting off at us.
I thought they were chorting off with us.
Face it, Curtis, we totally sucked.
You know what your problem is? You need to get baked.
I'm not in the mood.
What? But, you're always in the mood.
Man, this is about Jenny, isn't it? I can't stop thinking about her.
And it's not just her awesome rack.
She's smart and, like, mysterious and she's got an awesome rack.
Man, what does she see in that twit? He can play guitar and sing at the same time, he's really good-looking, got a cool car, captain of the football team, and I hear he's got a jock, like, the size of a jock and a half.
But, I bet your jock is, like, the size of 2 jocks.
And those 2 jocks have 2 sets of bags.
And 2 sets of bags are exactly what I need to make Jenny forget about that jock-rock loser! Jock and a half rock loser, but yes! Let's go show Jenny your bags.
Jenny, how do I put this delicately? Sometimes, daddies leave home because they just don't want to be daddies anymore.
Okay, it's not about you.
It's about not wanting to b e with you.
But, he didn't lea ve me, Mr.
Murphy, he disappeared.
And I think it has something to do with this.
Where did you get this picture? It was hidden in my dad's office.
He was researching the origins of this book.
Well, Jenny, my advice to you is start focusing on your school books and not on this fool's book.
Now, shoo Mr.
Murphy has a lot of business to attend to.
Thanks for nothing.
Thanks for nothing.
It's me- we're going to have to deal with the daughter as well.
Okay, she's coming, don't freak out.
Go get her, Todd.
Thanks a lot, stoogecake! Um- I'm sorry can you just leave it, okay? Enjoying the scenery? Um I'm- I'm Todd.
Is this conversation going anywhere? Do you want it to go somewhere? 'Cause we could, like we could, like, go, like, for ice cream, or something Did you just ask my woman out? Just leave him alone, Stuart.
Yeah, Stuart we'll settle this at the battle of the bands.
You didn't even make the cut! Pin-hole.
Even guitars gently weep, little dude.
Yeah? What do you know? Check it out, little dude this self defeatist manner, bro, does not become you.
You gotta show all those posers, man, that you truly are a heavy metal God.
But, I'm a loser.
You could always practice.
Loser.
Or you could find the book of pure evil.
The what? Anyone who listens to metal knows the book of pure evil.
Loser.
Legend has it that the book was stitched together with the foreskin of Judas.
That must have been some foreskin.
I gotta get back to class.
The book of pure evil can give you anything you desire.
Anything I desire? Imagine, little dude, the one thing you want more than anything.
Feel it, loser, deep inside.
Deep inside? Inside your pants.
Toke? Imagine the one thing you want more than anything Feel it, loser, deep inside.
Inside your pants Pants pants I want you, Todd.
The book of pure evil can make any desire come true.
Toke? It was stitched together from the foreskin of Judas.
Foreskin toke? Anything you desire Foreskin foreskin What you doing there, Todd? Oh, hey, Jimmy do you think you could open that case for me? It's gonna cost ya.
Well, I got A buck forty-nine and my lucky condom.
How long have you had that lucky condom? I don't know, a couple of years, I guess.
I'll take the money.
"Planto mihi lascivio "Valde sanus!" Stooge! Did you just call me a stooge? If the stooge fits.
I challengeouou to a duel.
Your guitar against mine.
Lunch hour.
In the cafeteria.
I'm gonna slay you, Todd.
I'm going to make you bleed out your hatch.
You're going down, dude.
He's totally going to slay you, Todd.
This time it shall be I who slays he.
Your voice just went totally awesome.
Hey, where'd youetet that guitar? Let's do this.
Elececicic guitar music) Hehey y metal micic) Yeah, , td! (Studentsts cerer what the fuggles? Help me, Jenny I'm bleeding out of my hatch.
Uh, there-there, baby Ow! If I could do it again, I would have made him bleed out his Yeah, I don't know, man hey, Todd! Your band is so awesome.
I was just thinking if you wanted to get together and talk about metal, or metallurgy, I would be more than happy to do that.
Yeah, you might want to get that framed.
Um No idea who she is and she's always like- dude! That was amazing.
Uh Curtis, meet the new members of barbarian apocalypse.
We're replacing quarterback at battle of the bands tonight.
That's awesome! Two drummers! Yeah! I'm sorry, Curtis, but we don't need two drummers in the band.
What are you saying? I'm saying, I'm sorry, Curtis, but we don't need two drummers in the band.
Curtis no, I heard you the second time.
Loud and clear.
Welcome to crowley high's battle of the bands.
Well, tonight we start with the hip-hop stylings ofPosse fresh.
Posse fresh, fresh! Posse fresh.
Whatever.
Rich.
Hi, Todd.
You were amazing in the cafeteria today.
Where'd you get that cool guitar? Ow! My guitar's a little sensitive about other people touching it.
Are you sensitive to touch? Uh Why don't you and I go someplace private? I'd love to see these magical fingers of yours at work.
She doesn't want your paws on her fun bags.
She wants her hands on the book! Who knows? Maybe you could teach me a few things.
She's onto us.
Eliminate her.
Do her, then eliminate her.
No! Eliminate her, then do her? What's going on, Todd? Look, I gotta get ready to go on stage.
I know you have the book, Todd! You have no idea how dangerous it is.
Now, hand it over! She just wants the book for herself! She doesn't care about you! You just want the book for yourself! You doesn't care about me! Yeah, you got that right! Now, give it to me! Todd! Todd! Todd, you little dork-nugget! Let me out! Todd, don't you run away! Get back here! Our final act - mercifully is barbarian apocalypse.
Yeah, Todd! Prepare to be conquered, crowley high! Conquer me, Todd.
The book of pure evil? After all these years Hello? Help! Get me out of this locker! I have to save the school before everybody dies! Hold on! Hurry! One more! That's good! Cover your ears! We've got to stop Todd! You shall die! Do something! You do something! Ahhhhhhhhhh! Don't do it, Curtis! It's the only clue I have to find my dad.
Don't do it, Curtis! Join me and you will have everything you ever dreamed of.
I'm sorry, Todd, this bad beast has got to burn.
No! Todd! Shoot! Todd, are you okay? Don't worry about me.
Are you okay? Eew, what the heck is goin' on in here? Uh The battle of the bands kind of got out of control.
You kids sure know how to party, man I haven't seen this much blood since that kid bled out his hatch this morning.
Dude, that was so awesome.
Except for almost killing everyone.
Yeah, I'm just glad it's over.
What do you mean over? That thing's still out there and we've got to find it before it hurts anybody else.
Uh, not my problem.
Let somebody else deal with it.
Let's go get baked awesome.
After everything that's happened, how can you not feel responsible? God, you guys are such idiots.
Dude, this is your chance to finally get close to Jenny.
Hey, Jenny, wait! Now, I've given it a lot of thought and I think that the best way to find the book is to work together.
Close.
R eal close.
I'm already regretting this.
So, are we getting paid for this? No, we're not getting paid.
I really think we should be drawing some kind of salary.
Well, it's not going to happen, okay? We should, like, go back to your house tonight and talk about how we're going to find the book.
Um, that's not going to happen either.
Yeah, it's a bit late.
Let's do it tomorrow night.
I can totally do it tomorrow night.
Uh, I don't remember you being invited, dude.
Uh, I don't remember you being invited, dude.
I can't believe the book actually exists.
It was totally like, 'pow'! And then I was like, 'whoa'! And then the book totally flew away.
The prophecy! We must prepare for the final countdown.
I'll sharpen the knives and get a goat.
Silence! It is a glorious day.
At long last we have found the book.
And soon it will be ours again.
The prophecy will be fulfilled and we will reap the rewards.
Um, yeah- about that prophecy the book flew away.
In flames.
All gone, bye-bye.
Oh, atticus, it takes more than fire to destroy the book.
It survives.
Perhaps weakened, but searching for another soul from which to draw power.
It will make itself known to whomever needs it the most.
The insecure.
The desperate.
The feeble.
They will find comfort in the bosom of the book.
Then there will be chaos.
And that's a good thing?