Tofu (2014) s01e01 Episode Script

- [Are you good in bed, do you think?.]
- but I think probably every man thinks that.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I'd have to ask my mates.
You can go to a girl that you've had sex with, or done things with, like, and say, "Was I good?" "Yeah! Of course you were!" Just to make your ego feel a little bit better.
But in, like, reality They're just thinking Yeah, like, "You were nowhere near it.
" "She's talking about lesbian sex like she's done it!" I have.
I'm fucking good at it.
I could do a jigsaw puzzle inside a sock.
Something deeper.
A little slower.
A little more, "Mmm!" And when they've got that big willy out, you think, "Oof!" And then your eyes go all watery and you think, "Ooh, I don't know!" It's a bit like a drug, to be honest.
Sex is a drug and it's probably one of the best drugs out there which is legal, providing you're doing it with someone of a legal age.
Um and I see it as a big relief, I really do.
I see it as I need it all the time.
The best sex, I think, is when you're in love.
Um when you just fall in love.
I think the best sex I've had is with a hooker.
The best sex I've ever had is when you know somebody's body.
But like a high-class escort, if you like.
I'm not talking a hooker in the street who would contaminate you with every disease.
Like, when you know an instrument well, you know how to get the good notes out of it.
I'm very much a fan of having a bit of a laugh in the bedroom.
It needs to be tidy and quite tight, if that makes sense.
Because you don't want to feel that you're the 100th person that's come through, so to speak.
Um so that's one thing that I I I need.
Trust, compassion and being really good at sucking dick.
- They are the three.
- You have a list! I do have a list, and the third is the most important.
And I had a man who had a little willy.
And, um he was all right, but he were dead ill in hospital, you know and we used to do it in the hospital.
It was terrible.
Used to get under his sheets, play about with it.
He used to say, "Nurse will be coming.
" I went, "Never mind her, let me give you a blow job!" When I was in my relationship for, like, two years, I think it was, I learnt a lot from that.
Because one-night stands, you kind of just do what you want and kind of get in and get out quick.
You don't have a chat, like, "Did that feel good? "What should I change? The motion, the twists?" We went in the visitors' toilets, doing it in there! He's, like, "Oh, I can't!" He said, "I can't stand up!" I went, "Well, sit on the toilet, we'll do it here.
" I think any woman who says, "Oh, size doesn't matter," is just trying to be nice.
A guy can have a ten-inch cock, or they can have a six, seven-inch cock as long as they know how they're going to use it.
It's not just about the penetration, it's about foreplay, as well.
If the size is really diminutive, if we put it that way, then you actually can't feel like there's anything much going on.
And if you can't feel anything much going on, you just wonder what you're doing there! Does size make a difference? Yes, because like I said, I had one that had a little willy and he was in hospital, wow, he was fantastic with that.
But he wasn't in hospital because he had a little willy, surely? No, he was in because he had stomach ulcers going on and he was having them taken out.
I know people that just literally go out on a Friday and a Saturday and they will pick up the first thing, the first girl, first boy, if it's a girl, - they see.
- A lot of people go, "Why don't you just go to a nightclub?" Then you've got the whole hard work of chatting someone up, getting them from the nightclub to your room and doing the whole romantic crap and then most of the time, they're so fucking drunk that they can't do anything, so you're, like, "I'll pay to have good sex.
" You're up for it, I'm up for it, ten minutes in the back of the car, then I'm going to this club.
You can come if you want, but I'm taking someone else home.
Yes, you can have a one-night stand, but is it going to leave you fulfilled? For me, it doesn't.
To know that they want you as much as you want them, the actual bond and the connection, I think that makes, like, beautiful sex.
Like, honestly! There's so much out there.
So many girls, so many different websites, all these escort services, you can pick on the iPad and It makes them look like a product, but at the end of the day, it's human.
You're giving them money and in return, they're giving you the best sex - that you can get.
- What would you say is the relationship between sex and love? I don't think there has to be any relationship between them at all.
You know, you can have amazing sex with people that you don't even particularly like.
I think it's much better that you're not really in love.
I think love can build passion.
But then you're limited by certain boundaries.
A lot of it now, like, with me and your dad, it's friendship.
I mean, I've had opportunities, I could've gone and but I don't! I think it's love.
I think love is the big main part of it.
ALARM BEEPS CLOCK: You have selected snooze.
- Oh, fuck! - You have selected fuck.
No, not again! I've got to work.
Sorry.
- Oh, yeah, no, it's fine.
- You have selected sorry.
Jesus! Will I see you again? Yeah, sure.
When I'm properly awake, I'll rate you five stars.
- You do the same? - Yeah, totally.
THEY GROAN THEY GROAN - Yeah.
- Sorry.
She was vivacious.
Is that a word? The second time we did it, it was hard and fast.
Could've done without the baby talk.
Good kisser, though, so I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.
A bit clingy afterwards.
Would sleep with again.
Also, her flatmate owns a dog.
Result! COMPUTER: Hello, Dan! Do you want more adventurous sex? - Spam.
- You have marked as spam.
Would you like to access our Jennifer Lawrence news again, or ? No! I never Spam.
- You have marked as spam.
- Show me - Today's stats? - Go on, then.
Select recent partner.
- Bella.
- Do you mean Becca? Shit! Yeah.
I think so.
Five hours and 16 minutes ago, you burnt 111 calories.
Becca burnt 69 calories.
Becca rated you two stars.
- What?! - BECCA: What can I say about Dan? We all make mistakes.
Dan's was novelty pubes.
Mine was Dan.
I mean, I love a guy who shaves down there, but, I'm sorry, why would you shave it into the shape of an arrow? He said that he wanted to point to the goods.
I was, like, "I think I know where they are.
" As for chat-up lines, can we skip the part where you say no for an hour before anything happens? - It's just creepy.
- Spam! COMPUTER: You have marked as spam.
(Bloody hell!) A-hem! Two hours.
Get them done! HE BREATHES HARD ROBOT: You are never too old to learn new tricks.
Will tantric yab-yum make for the ultimate orgasm? - Go away! - Do all women dislike it when you hold their head - while you're getting a blow job? - Piss off! Jennifer Wood says JENNIFER: Of course it's a compliment, but he wasn't embarrassed, so I'm pretty sure it had happened before.
When I first met him, he was really nice - You enjoy sex.
- Yeah.
Um do you think they enjoy it? Do you know what, I think, um there's been girls that I've been with that I don't think have, purely because it's the routine, it's their job.
I mean, it's just, like, if you were working in whatever day job you do and you're just asked to do it again and again and But there's been a couple of girls I've been with that were, like, they were getting quite horny themselves.
They're, like, "Come on, let's carry on.
" And not for the money side because this was still within the timeframe that I had.
Um because if you do see them a couple of times and this is me before I made that decision of going, "This is going a little bit too far now.
" "I've seen you about ten times, maybe we should stop, um and change girl.
" But, there are moments that they enjoy it because at the end of the day, sex is natural and if you are, um you know, good at sex and know the buttons to press on their side, then you can mutually have a great time.
I find coming through penetration really, really difficult.
I think it's quite a common thing for a lot of women.
Did coming for the first time live up to what you imagined it to be? Even better because it was so overwhelming and I just remember shuddering from head to toe and thinking, "Oh, my God, this is actually what it's supposed to feel like.
" I don't stop until the girl's come at least twice, possibly three if I'm feeling really energetic.
Oh! Yeah! Yeah! Oooh! And I were crying and he said, "My God, I can really get it right up you, can't I?" And I went, "Yeah.
Give it me more! Oooh, now it's hurting!" And I'd be crawling the walls.
It were fantastic! I will just crack on until she's come.
Because as far as I'm concerned, it's not fair for me to get me jollies and then just stop.
That's strangely kind of gentlemanly.
HE LAUGHS - Have you never squirted? - No.
I've seen it on the, um - Oh, I have.
- Sorry, that was a bit over the top, wasn't it? But that's quite interesting.
I've never done that.
- I have.
- That's interesting.
I've seen it, - but I wouldn't know what it's like.
- It is amazing.
Honestly, it's really intense.
Now I've got to learn squirting, apparently.
THEY LAUGH I'll write this one down on the train on the way home.
Squirt tonight.
Let's try squirting! Russell T Davies, who's executive-producing this, wanted me to ask you specifically how you manage to Like, when - I'm scared of this.
- No.
When you come, you come - Brutally.
- Yeah.
Like, is that ? Can that be faked, or ? That's just how I come.
All the time, every time.
I can't help it.
It's true! I'm not faking - I'm not faking it.
- No, it's true.
There's no supplements or secret, I just come a lot and very strong, for some reason.
It's starting to be somewhat of a problem.
Like, I will have to cover my partner's eyes.
In a real sexual relationship, like, "Yeah, come on my face!" I'm like, "No, you don't want me to come in your face.
" They're, like, "I really want it!" I'm, like, "Trust me, you don't.
" I do it and they're, like, "Whoa.
That was too much for me.
" I'm like, "I warned you!" Back in the day, I didn't used to like sleeping in the wet patch.
I used to hate it.
But now I think I just appreciate it's a beautiful bodily fluid.
It's good for the skin.
Did you know that? Somebody told me that.
- It's very good for the skin.
- Somebody told me that.
- Why do you think I look so young? - THEY LAUGH Well, this one that was poorly, he used to come all over me face while he was doing that.
Now, this is in hospital, mind you.
So I said, "If the nurse comes in, what am I going to tell her why I've got all this stuff over me face?" He said, "Well, I'll lick it off for you.
" Oh, he were naughty, but that was good.