Trailer Park Boys: The Animated Series (2019) s01e01 Episode Script
Long Story Short... A Bear Ripped My Cock Off and Ate It
1 Boys? I'm freaking out here.
I'm freaking out.
We ate three pounds of fuckin' mushrooms.
Like, we're stuck in a cartoon world here.
Bubs, listen to me.
Everything's gonna be cool, okay? We'll just ride this out like we usually do when we get too fucked up.
Fuckin' right we will, and we'll enjoy every goddamn minute of this, too.
Boys, I have always dreamt of being this high.
Thank you, Jesus God.
Hey, my son likes cartoons.
He'll think this is really cool.
Except he's not gonna know, dummy! He's not on fuckin' mushrooms.
You guys! Number five, okay! Mr.
Lahey, what are you doing? Don't worry, everything's gonna be all right, sir.
My neck doesn't feel as broke.
Hey, if we're a cartoon, we can be like Bugs Bunny and run through walls and shit! Oh fuck, that might be the stupidest thing you've ever fuckin' done.
What next, draw a tunnel on the wall like Wildy the fuckin' Coyote? Can't do that.
A big fuckin' truck will drive in and run us over.
Boys, fuckin' listen to yourselves! What are you talking about? We're seriously fucked up here.
We need to go to hospital.
-We need help! -Bubs, would you calm the fuck down? -You calm down, Julian! -Calm down.
Just relax, okay? Relax! Yeah, listen.
This jail cell is the perfect place for us to ride -whatever the fuck this is out.
-Here we're safe.
I fuckin' promise you.
Good news, boys.
You're free to go.
-What? -Oh, my fuck! You better thank your buddy Jacob for breaking his neck.
I milked that injury, and a few dollars changed hands.
It obviously wasn't cheap, though.
Five, well, let's say six G's, and I'll need that by Friday.
A good deal, if you ask me.
Oh, my fuck, yeah.
So much for riding it out in a safe place, eh, boys? Oh, my fuck, now we have to go back out into the real world, higher than probably anybody's ever been in the history of the human fuckin' race.
Holy shit, you're right! This is so fucking cool.
We're like pioneers, just like those astro cocksuckers who walked the moon the first time.
This is fucking cool.
Holy shit, the whole world's a cartoon.
This is trippy.
Oh, my God, listen to my arms making cool fuckin' cartoon sounds.
Ricky, stop it! Stop it, please! Boys, we gotta get to the hospital.
Like, we might not ever come out of this.
That's not a bad idea.
I should probably get my neck checked out.
Oh, my fuck, you're stupid, Jacob.
Nobody's going to the hospital.
If we go to the hospital, they'll fuckin' lock us up in a looney bin.
Exactly.
Boys, please stop ruining this.
We may never get this high again! I just want to enjoy the shit out of it, please! I wish Bubbles would just chill the fuck out.
How many people would give their left nut to be a fuckin' cartoon? He's complaining about it! You don't see Daphne Duck complaining about being a fuckin' cartoon.
This is a thing that only happens once in a people's lives and I want to enjoy the fuck out of every second.
I deserve this.
I'm not the kind of person that gets scared, but right now I'm a little fuckin' scared.
But, ya know, I gotta take control of the situation, get everybody back to the park before everything gets even fuckin' crazier.
Nah, dude, that's bigger.
It's definitely bigger.
No question.
Do you really think so? Yeah totally, dude, it wasn't that thick before.
Holy shit, check mine out, boys! It's fuckin' longer and it's definitely thicker.
Let's see how big they get when we get them hard.
Okay, listen up, everybody.
Put your dicks away, nobody's getting hard today.
Right, everything's fucked up right now, okay? Really fucked.
We don't know what everybody else is seeing, so we gotta act cool until we get back to the park, then we'll drink and smoke this fuckin' buzz-on away.
How're we getting home, guys? I'll show you how we're getting home there, carrot cum.
No, Ricky.
No, please! You're friggin' nuts, Ricky.
We want nothing to do with this.
We'll find our own way back to the park, right, Mr.
Lahey? Randy, we gotta head to the LC, let the liquor figure this out.
-Fuck me hard! Fuck! -Jesus Christ, Ricky! You just saw fuckin' ding dong try to run through a wall and almost split his head open like a coconut! Look, let's just assume that the rules of the fuckin' real world still apply here, please.
Actually, you know what? It looks fucked, but it actually doesn't even really hurt that much.
Jacob, let's go.
Not those, dummy.
I meant the fuckin' shirt.
Sorry, Ricky.
Fuck, yeah! Look what I found, boys! Free gun.
This is the best day ever! -Ricky-- -Would you put that fuckin' thing away? Okay, everybody in.
Let's get back to the park! You guys sure you don't want a ride? There's plenty of room in the trunk or up on the roof! Let's do it, Mr.
Lahey.
There's probably no bus coming.
-We could spoon in the trunk.
-Randy.
Okay, pop it, Ricky.
How about I pop a fuck you! Frig off, Ricky! Look, I know we're frigged up, sir, but we're gonna get us through this.
Together.
What the frig is happening, Mr.
Lahey? What's that noise? Shithawks.
Big shithawks.
Look, Randers! They're coming, bud.
What the frig are you talking about, Mr.
Lahey? This can't be happening.
It's not real! Randy? No! Mr.
Lahey! I love you, bud! No! Let Mr.
Lahey go, you dirty shit beast! Mr.
Lahey! Randers! It's wonderful, bud! No! Frig! Oh, my fuck, this car has some balls.
I'd love to have one of these fuckin' things.
Would you smarten the hell up? We can't draw attention.
What, like this? -Ricky-- -What the fuck? Smarten up! Ricky! Stop gunning! I'm gonna have a mouth-shit! Jesus Christ, okay, take it easy.
Well, lookie who it fuckin' is.
Fuck sakes.
Hey Ricky, I got a fuckin' joke for ya! How many fruits can ya fit in a fuckin' muscle car? I don't know, cocklips, how many fucks can you fit in an off? Look, Cyrus, we don't want any trouble, man.
Oh, is that right? Well, I guess you pulled up to the wrong fuckin' stoplight then, didn't ya? Pussy! What the fuck did you just call me? Julian, just let it go! Ricky, fuck off! Don't get goaded into a race by this fuckin' shit-kabob! I can't help it.
Hold on tight, nipple-heads.
We'll show this cockless pussy bitch you're not a pussy! -He's the pussy.
Fuck him! -Ricky! Fuck! Fuck! Oh, yeah, fuckin' great! We're out of jail 15 minutes and now we're getting chased by the cops! Way to go, Ricky, nice one! Hold onto your tits, ladies.
We're going to try some Duke boys shit.
Jesus Christ, Ricky! No! Ah, shit, fucked her, boys! Brace for impact! Ricky! Oh, my fuck, I was thrown clear! That sucked.
For fuck sakes, Ricky.
Is everyone okay? Yeah.
Fuck, Jacob, are you dead? I think my neck might be broken, like way worse.
-Jesus Murphy! -Holy fuck! I don't think your neck should do that.
I'm not doctor or anything, but dude.
You know what, Jacob? Just stop fuckin' complaining right now.
Your neck was already broken, you can still walk, you're still breathing aren't you? What the fuck? That jump was totally awesome! You almost landed that shit.
-Hurrah! -You're fuckin' right I did.
-Oh, Jesus! -Fuck me! Oh, man, check that shit out! Cory, don't move! You're in fuckin' shock, bud! Oh, man, that is dope! Damn, I couldn't do this before! Look! I'm a windmill-- -Dope.
-Oh, my fuck! It came off! Jesus Christ! Hands where I can see 'em! Let's go! Now! Fuck sakes.
Let me handle this.
Hey, guys, how's it going? Just wanna say I love your fuckin' show.
I'm a huge Cagney & Gacey fan.
I'm Trevor Laheyson, this is Randy Cory right here and-- Stay right there.
Don't move! No, you don't fuckin' move! I want your fuckin' badge numbers right now.
I said don't move! You chill the fuck out.
I'm not moving there, dick flap.
Look, I'm gonna call your boss, tell him you're being sued for third party dummy-ism.
Do you see his fucking neck, guys? And look at this guy's fuckin' arm! What the fuck? Christ, what the fuck? Holy shit! Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Trying to get my son-of-law to fucking hospital, and that's why we were speeding.
But yous had to be all fuckin' cop-like, all fuckin' cool, chasing us, didn't ya? You should've chased the red fuckin' Corvette.
That asshole fired a fuckin' gun at us! The other driver fired a handgun at you? That what you're telling me, sir? -Yes! -Yes, he did, sir.
-And I'm pretty sure his name is Cyrus.
-It is.
It is Cyrus, 100%.
Cyrus MacDougall? Yeah, that fucking dick.
Anyway, little Brian here's probably gonna bleed out now, and Randy here is gonna have a paralyze.
Way to go, boys.
Way to fucking go.
-Jesus, we're sorry.
-We'll get you to the hospital, ASAP.
Where are the guys? Aren't they back yet? What the fuck are you talking about? They're out? Yeah, they left jail before I did! Randy, what the hell are you doing? I'm looking for one of Ricky's guns.
I can't get into it, but a giant shithawk took Mr.
Lahey and I need to save him.
What? You fuckin' assholes, were you sniffing glue at the jail or huffing on a goddamn exhaust pipe? "Giant shithawk.
" Yeah, okay.
I'm friggin' serious! I need a gun! Where are they, Trin? I don't fucking know where Dad keeps his guns.
He has them hidden ever since Mo shot his bag off.
Okay, fine, thanks a lot! Thanks for all your friggin' help! Excuse me! Out of the way! Coming through, people! We have a serious medical emergency here.
Sir, you need to calm down and wait in line like everyone else! Tell me you are fucking blind! His fuckin' arm's ripped off, his neck's on backwards.
We need serious medical help here, right the fuck now, you idiot.
And is there someone we might speak to about a possible overdose on psilocybin fungi? Boys, that's enough! Look, ma'am, nobody's high here, okay? We're just here for these two idiots.
My arm's starting to turn purple like that Dino dog on The Flintstones.
-Is that normal? -No, it's not normal.
I need you to fill out some paperwork and we'll get to you as soon as we can.
Cory, what the fuck are you trying to do? I'm right-handed, dude.
Ma'am, we don't have time for this shit right now.
This is a medical emergency.
I mean, look at his arm, it's fuckin' dying! Well, unfortunately you picked a bad day to have a medical emergency, sir.
-Oh, my fuck.
-Jesus, that is bad.
T, boys, you've got to help me! What happened, Randy, your water break or something? Very funny T.
I need a gun! Gun? The fuck you need a gun for? Mr.
Lahey's in trouble.
A giant shithawk swooped down out of the sky and picked him up, -took him away to a giant shit nest-- -Beach ball man is fucked! I need it for seagulls, 'cause they're pecking at my friggin' trash again.
All right, seagulls.
I hate them white motherfuckers.
Here you go, Dirty Fairy.
I got this gun off your mama.
Don't lose it, 'cause it's my favorite.
No way, T.
I want the biggest gun you got with lots of bullets.
Whoa, hang on, chill the fuck out, Blade Gutter! Yeah, dog, that shit's loaded.
Green, grab this crazy motherfucker one of the choppers.
The choppers? Here, Randy, you crazy bitch.
Shit's cocked and loaded, so be careful.
I'm not a friggin' idiot.
I know how to handle a gun perf-- -Something wrong with you?! Jeez! -What in the fuck?! You know what? I think I will take the small gun.
You think? Shit, dudes, I'm oreo-ing.
Oh my fuck.
Just relax, Corey, okay? Excuse me, ma'am.
How many more people ahead of us now? Seventeen.
-All right, fuck this.
See this? -Ricky! We're moving to the top of the fuckin' list now.
My friend Cory needs to see a doctor or he's going to fucking die! -Ricky, put the fuckin' gun away.
-You need to leave right now! Calling security.
Ricky! Put the fuckin' gun away.
Put the fuckin' phone down right now.
-Put the fuckin' phone down or -Or what? Or I'll blow his other fuckin' hand off and you'll have two blown-off hands to deal with, how's that? Ah, you fucking asshole! -Security! Front desk! -Motherfuck-- son of a motherfucking-- God damn it, Ricky! All right, everybody out! Let's go! Move! -How bad am I burnt? -Just move! You look like a half-chewed caramel! Fuck, that was mean! What kind of fucking plan was that, Ricky? You look like a piece of Korean barbecue.
It wasn't my fuckin' fault.
Normally when you point a gun at someone, they do what the fuck you ask.
Fuck, that got burnt me! Oh, this is just fucking great.
What are we gonna do now, boys? Cory's arm is turning into a goddamned zombie and that's the only hospital for 100 miles.
You know what, just throw the disgusting fucking thing in the garbage, It's no good anymore.
It stinks.
It's done.
We tried! Ricky, it's his arm! We gotta get the fuckin' thing sewn back on.
What are we gonna do here? For fuck sakes.
Well, I hate to say it, boys, but there's really only one other option right now.
Seriously? We're going to Sam Losco's? What other option do we have, huh? Just hurry up and get him inside.
Ah, fuck, Cory, you're starting to look whiter than Jacob, man.
No! Please don't let me turn white, dudes, I'd rather die! How can I help you? We need you to re-attach this.
No fucking way, Julian! Not this time, man.
Jesus Christ, Sam, we go through this every time.
You're not gonna make me take out my fuckin' gun, are ya? Come on, Sam.
Look, I know we fucked you around a bit in the past, but Cory's arm is off, this is serious! Yeah, man, stop being a dick! We'll fuckin' do anything here.
Oh, whoa, man, is it ever pink and shit! Lord sacred mother of all that's fuckin' holy.
I will never be able to eat roast beef again.
What the fuck is that? Well, I was out in the woods shooting a demo to apply for that Naked and Afraid show, and, well, I made a few bad decisions, and long story short, a bear ripped my cock off and ate it.
Doctors tried to reconstruct it, but all they could really do was build a flap thing here to cover the hole.
First time I ever saw a doctor throw up.
It kinda looks like an axe wound on a gorilla's back.
Yeah, or a fuckin'-- Like an octopus head with somethin' through it or such.
Or really bad road rash.
Looks like you laid on a cranberried cupcake, dude.
Why the fuck are you showing us that? You of all people should know, you don't get anything for free in this fuckin' life, Julian.
You want the arm sewed back on, lock the door.
Maybe we can work something out.
Mr.
Lahey? Sir? Mr.
Lahey? Shithawk shit! There's Mr.
Lahey's sunglasses! Stupid friggin' shithawk.
Mr.
Lahey meant a lot to me and you just took him from me! You know what? Just come and take me! Take me too, you ugly, flying shit bird! Oh, frig! Oh, frig! Frig off! I wasn't serious.
Leave me the frig alone! It was a figure of friggin' speech! For frig sakes! Holy crap, that was close.
Shitwinds.
Randy Mr.
Lahey? Is that you? Where are you? Use the liquor.
The liquor? Get some liquor? Is that what you're saying, Mr.
Lahey? Mr.
Lahey? Just so we're crystal clear here, what exactly are you asking for? Look, you guys know me.
I'm a horny fucker.
But I haven't been able to get off for months now, I'm dying.
This is almost healed, I just need someone to help me figure out, you know, how it works, which buttons to push, et cetera.
Whoa, are you asking one of us to bang that scarred-up, swampy mess? I don't know, bang it, finger it, lick it, whatever it takes.
Or, you can throw Cory's arm in the garbage, we all go home and call it a day.
Jesus Christ.
Listen, I know this is fucked, but Cory's arm is not gonna last much longer here, okay? Someone's gotta take one for the team here.
What? What, me? No fuckin' way, boys, not a chance.
There's no way my first time doing it is gonna involve fiddlin' around with Sam Losco's mystery hole! It'd be like bangin' a lasagna! Well, clearly I can't do it.
I've only got one hand.
I guess I'm out too, dude.
Guys, I'll do it.
I mean, I'm not gonna let Cory die.
My head's twisted around, I won't see him anyway.
Sounds good to me.
Let's go.
Wait! Fuck! Jacob can't do it.
He'd be cheating on Trinity, and she'd be pissed at me not protecting her fuckin' honor.
Jesus Christ.
I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but Sam, I won't fuck you, but I'll finger you.
Deal! -Where do you want me to do it? -In my new hole, of course.
I fuckin' know that.
What room? Oh, right in here.
There's little a table with stirrups all set up.
This is so fucked! Cory, this is your fuckin' fault, man! You're coming with me.
I might need a hand.
Turn off the lights.
I'm sorry I let you down, sir.
We had our stupid fights and breakups but you were always there for me, even when you were wasted.
Which was most of the time.
I can't believe I'll never see you again, sir.
You're the love of my life.
Frig it! Mr.
Lahey? What's happening? I'm in a good place, not a care in the world.
Where? Are you real? Randy.
The park's yours.
All of it.
It's what I've always wanted, sir, but it won't be the same if you're not here to share it with me and be proud of me.
I got your back, bud.
I don't know if I can do it all alone.
Turn to the liquor.
Let the liquor figure this out.
I love you, Randy! I love you too, sir.
I won't let you down, Mr.
Lahey.
Yep.
Hey, Ricky, did you get a Kit Kat on him? A Kit Kat? What the fuck is that, Bubs? Four fingers! What kind of speed did you get going there, buddy? Why don't you two lick my fuckin' balls? I had to finger him for Trinity.
That's the shit you do when you're a parent.
You were fucking good, too.
I came like seven times.
Seven? You fucking asshole! -You should've stopped me after one! -But you were so good! I wanted to see if I was a squirter.
What're you doing Friday night? Second date, buddy? Fuck you, Sam.
Okay.
Done.
Arm's as good as new.
Just let the glue dry and the stitches heal for 24 hours before you start jackin' with it.
Dope.
Thanks S-Dog.
Wait, what's going on with my hand? I can't open that shit.
Oh, that's nerve damage.
It'll come back at some point.
Hopefully.
Put your fuckin' arm down, Cory.
Holy fuck, he's like a slot machine! Oh, yeah, there's some muscle damage as well, but -you know, it should work itself out.
-Dope! It's like "power to the people" shit.
Black power, motherfucker.
Hey, guys? What about my neck? Okay, boys, it's time to override this buzz-on and get things back to normal.
Ricky, you might want to disinfect your hand before you manhandle the joint.
I'd use fuckin' gasoline if I was you.
You might want to tell that to Cory.
I didn't actually finger Sam.
It was dark in there, so I used Cory's dead hand.
-Holy fuck.
-What? Ah, shit, dude.
That's why my fingers smell like ass.
Listen up, everybody! Mr.
Lahey was kidnapped by a shithawk! And I thought I lost him forever.
And then he came out of a liquor bottle as a ghost, and he told me that I'm running the park now! My God, I thought I was fuckin' high.
-Wow.
-Holy fuck, Randy.
Here, bud.
It's just the mushrooms, man.
You gotta fuckin' override this buzz-on with the booze.
Drink up.
I'm friggin' serious, boys.
Watch this.
If I take this and drink it down, you'll see him come out! Yeah.
Okay, bud.
Come talk to us, Mr.
Lahey.
-Please.
-You're fucked.
Frig sakes.
Down he goes.
Oh, my God, he's pissing himself, boys.
I guess he is channeling Mr.
Lahey, though.
Well, that's one down, five to go, boys.
All right, everybody drink up.
When we wake up tomorrow, everything's gonna be back to normal, so let's fucking get good and drunk tonight and try to have a good time.
Boys! Boys! Let's get some markers and draw cocks on Randy's face! Fuck, yeah, let's do it! Let's draw a cock on his cock!
I'm freaking out.
We ate three pounds of fuckin' mushrooms.
Like, we're stuck in a cartoon world here.
Bubs, listen to me.
Everything's gonna be cool, okay? We'll just ride this out like we usually do when we get too fucked up.
Fuckin' right we will, and we'll enjoy every goddamn minute of this, too.
Boys, I have always dreamt of being this high.
Thank you, Jesus God.
Hey, my son likes cartoons.
He'll think this is really cool.
Except he's not gonna know, dummy! He's not on fuckin' mushrooms.
You guys! Number five, okay! Mr.
Lahey, what are you doing? Don't worry, everything's gonna be all right, sir.
My neck doesn't feel as broke.
Hey, if we're a cartoon, we can be like Bugs Bunny and run through walls and shit! Oh fuck, that might be the stupidest thing you've ever fuckin' done.
What next, draw a tunnel on the wall like Wildy the fuckin' Coyote? Can't do that.
A big fuckin' truck will drive in and run us over.
Boys, fuckin' listen to yourselves! What are you talking about? We're seriously fucked up here.
We need to go to hospital.
-We need help! -Bubs, would you calm the fuck down? -You calm down, Julian! -Calm down.
Just relax, okay? Relax! Yeah, listen.
This jail cell is the perfect place for us to ride -whatever the fuck this is out.
-Here we're safe.
I fuckin' promise you.
Good news, boys.
You're free to go.
-What? -Oh, my fuck! You better thank your buddy Jacob for breaking his neck.
I milked that injury, and a few dollars changed hands.
It obviously wasn't cheap, though.
Five, well, let's say six G's, and I'll need that by Friday.
A good deal, if you ask me.
Oh, my fuck, yeah.
So much for riding it out in a safe place, eh, boys? Oh, my fuck, now we have to go back out into the real world, higher than probably anybody's ever been in the history of the human fuckin' race.
Holy shit, you're right! This is so fucking cool.
We're like pioneers, just like those astro cocksuckers who walked the moon the first time.
This is fucking cool.
Holy shit, the whole world's a cartoon.
This is trippy.
Oh, my God, listen to my arms making cool fuckin' cartoon sounds.
Ricky, stop it! Stop it, please! Boys, we gotta get to the hospital.
Like, we might not ever come out of this.
That's not a bad idea.
I should probably get my neck checked out.
Oh, my fuck, you're stupid, Jacob.
Nobody's going to the hospital.
If we go to the hospital, they'll fuckin' lock us up in a looney bin.
Exactly.
Boys, please stop ruining this.
We may never get this high again! I just want to enjoy the shit out of it, please! I wish Bubbles would just chill the fuck out.
How many people would give their left nut to be a fuckin' cartoon? He's complaining about it! You don't see Daphne Duck complaining about being a fuckin' cartoon.
This is a thing that only happens once in a people's lives and I want to enjoy the fuck out of every second.
I deserve this.
I'm not the kind of person that gets scared, but right now I'm a little fuckin' scared.
But, ya know, I gotta take control of the situation, get everybody back to the park before everything gets even fuckin' crazier.
Nah, dude, that's bigger.
It's definitely bigger.
No question.
Do you really think so? Yeah totally, dude, it wasn't that thick before.
Holy shit, check mine out, boys! It's fuckin' longer and it's definitely thicker.
Let's see how big they get when we get them hard.
Okay, listen up, everybody.
Put your dicks away, nobody's getting hard today.
Right, everything's fucked up right now, okay? Really fucked.
We don't know what everybody else is seeing, so we gotta act cool until we get back to the park, then we'll drink and smoke this fuckin' buzz-on away.
How're we getting home, guys? I'll show you how we're getting home there, carrot cum.
No, Ricky.
No, please! You're friggin' nuts, Ricky.
We want nothing to do with this.
We'll find our own way back to the park, right, Mr.
Lahey? Randy, we gotta head to the LC, let the liquor figure this out.
-Fuck me hard! Fuck! -Jesus Christ, Ricky! You just saw fuckin' ding dong try to run through a wall and almost split his head open like a coconut! Look, let's just assume that the rules of the fuckin' real world still apply here, please.
Actually, you know what? It looks fucked, but it actually doesn't even really hurt that much.
Jacob, let's go.
Not those, dummy.
I meant the fuckin' shirt.
Sorry, Ricky.
Fuck, yeah! Look what I found, boys! Free gun.
This is the best day ever! -Ricky-- -Would you put that fuckin' thing away? Okay, everybody in.
Let's get back to the park! You guys sure you don't want a ride? There's plenty of room in the trunk or up on the roof! Let's do it, Mr.
Lahey.
There's probably no bus coming.
-We could spoon in the trunk.
-Randy.
Okay, pop it, Ricky.
How about I pop a fuck you! Frig off, Ricky! Look, I know we're frigged up, sir, but we're gonna get us through this.
Together.
What the frig is happening, Mr.
Lahey? What's that noise? Shithawks.
Big shithawks.
Look, Randers! They're coming, bud.
What the frig are you talking about, Mr.
Lahey? This can't be happening.
It's not real! Randy? No! Mr.
Lahey! I love you, bud! No! Let Mr.
Lahey go, you dirty shit beast! Mr.
Lahey! Randers! It's wonderful, bud! No! Frig! Oh, my fuck, this car has some balls.
I'd love to have one of these fuckin' things.
Would you smarten the hell up? We can't draw attention.
What, like this? -Ricky-- -What the fuck? Smarten up! Ricky! Stop gunning! I'm gonna have a mouth-shit! Jesus Christ, okay, take it easy.
Well, lookie who it fuckin' is.
Fuck sakes.
Hey Ricky, I got a fuckin' joke for ya! How many fruits can ya fit in a fuckin' muscle car? I don't know, cocklips, how many fucks can you fit in an off? Look, Cyrus, we don't want any trouble, man.
Oh, is that right? Well, I guess you pulled up to the wrong fuckin' stoplight then, didn't ya? Pussy! What the fuck did you just call me? Julian, just let it go! Ricky, fuck off! Don't get goaded into a race by this fuckin' shit-kabob! I can't help it.
Hold on tight, nipple-heads.
We'll show this cockless pussy bitch you're not a pussy! -He's the pussy.
Fuck him! -Ricky! Fuck! Fuck! Oh, yeah, fuckin' great! We're out of jail 15 minutes and now we're getting chased by the cops! Way to go, Ricky, nice one! Hold onto your tits, ladies.
We're going to try some Duke boys shit.
Jesus Christ, Ricky! No! Ah, shit, fucked her, boys! Brace for impact! Ricky! Oh, my fuck, I was thrown clear! That sucked.
For fuck sakes, Ricky.
Is everyone okay? Yeah.
Fuck, Jacob, are you dead? I think my neck might be broken, like way worse.
-Jesus Murphy! -Holy fuck! I don't think your neck should do that.
I'm not doctor or anything, but dude.
You know what, Jacob? Just stop fuckin' complaining right now.
Your neck was already broken, you can still walk, you're still breathing aren't you? What the fuck? That jump was totally awesome! You almost landed that shit.
-Hurrah! -You're fuckin' right I did.
-Oh, Jesus! -Fuck me! Oh, man, check that shit out! Cory, don't move! You're in fuckin' shock, bud! Oh, man, that is dope! Damn, I couldn't do this before! Look! I'm a windmill-- -Dope.
-Oh, my fuck! It came off! Jesus Christ! Hands where I can see 'em! Let's go! Now! Fuck sakes.
Let me handle this.
Hey, guys, how's it going? Just wanna say I love your fuckin' show.
I'm a huge Cagney & Gacey fan.
I'm Trevor Laheyson, this is Randy Cory right here and-- Stay right there.
Don't move! No, you don't fuckin' move! I want your fuckin' badge numbers right now.
I said don't move! You chill the fuck out.
I'm not moving there, dick flap.
Look, I'm gonna call your boss, tell him you're being sued for third party dummy-ism.
Do you see his fucking neck, guys? And look at this guy's fuckin' arm! What the fuck? Christ, what the fuck? Holy shit! Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Trying to get my son-of-law to fucking hospital, and that's why we were speeding.
But yous had to be all fuckin' cop-like, all fuckin' cool, chasing us, didn't ya? You should've chased the red fuckin' Corvette.
That asshole fired a fuckin' gun at us! The other driver fired a handgun at you? That what you're telling me, sir? -Yes! -Yes, he did, sir.
-And I'm pretty sure his name is Cyrus.
-It is.
It is Cyrus, 100%.
Cyrus MacDougall? Yeah, that fucking dick.
Anyway, little Brian here's probably gonna bleed out now, and Randy here is gonna have a paralyze.
Way to go, boys.
Way to fucking go.
-Jesus, we're sorry.
-We'll get you to the hospital, ASAP.
Where are the guys? Aren't they back yet? What the fuck are you talking about? They're out? Yeah, they left jail before I did! Randy, what the hell are you doing? I'm looking for one of Ricky's guns.
I can't get into it, but a giant shithawk took Mr.
Lahey and I need to save him.
What? You fuckin' assholes, were you sniffing glue at the jail or huffing on a goddamn exhaust pipe? "Giant shithawk.
" Yeah, okay.
I'm friggin' serious! I need a gun! Where are they, Trin? I don't fucking know where Dad keeps his guns.
He has them hidden ever since Mo shot his bag off.
Okay, fine, thanks a lot! Thanks for all your friggin' help! Excuse me! Out of the way! Coming through, people! We have a serious medical emergency here.
Sir, you need to calm down and wait in line like everyone else! Tell me you are fucking blind! His fuckin' arm's ripped off, his neck's on backwards.
We need serious medical help here, right the fuck now, you idiot.
And is there someone we might speak to about a possible overdose on psilocybin fungi? Boys, that's enough! Look, ma'am, nobody's high here, okay? We're just here for these two idiots.
My arm's starting to turn purple like that Dino dog on The Flintstones.
-Is that normal? -No, it's not normal.
I need you to fill out some paperwork and we'll get to you as soon as we can.
Cory, what the fuck are you trying to do? I'm right-handed, dude.
Ma'am, we don't have time for this shit right now.
This is a medical emergency.
I mean, look at his arm, it's fuckin' dying! Well, unfortunately you picked a bad day to have a medical emergency, sir.
-Oh, my fuck.
-Jesus, that is bad.
T, boys, you've got to help me! What happened, Randy, your water break or something? Very funny T.
I need a gun! Gun? The fuck you need a gun for? Mr.
Lahey's in trouble.
A giant shithawk swooped down out of the sky and picked him up, -took him away to a giant shit nest-- -Beach ball man is fucked! I need it for seagulls, 'cause they're pecking at my friggin' trash again.
All right, seagulls.
I hate them white motherfuckers.
Here you go, Dirty Fairy.
I got this gun off your mama.
Don't lose it, 'cause it's my favorite.
No way, T.
I want the biggest gun you got with lots of bullets.
Whoa, hang on, chill the fuck out, Blade Gutter! Yeah, dog, that shit's loaded.
Green, grab this crazy motherfucker one of the choppers.
The choppers? Here, Randy, you crazy bitch.
Shit's cocked and loaded, so be careful.
I'm not a friggin' idiot.
I know how to handle a gun perf-- -Something wrong with you?! Jeez! -What in the fuck?! You know what? I think I will take the small gun.
You think? Shit, dudes, I'm oreo-ing.
Oh my fuck.
Just relax, Corey, okay? Excuse me, ma'am.
How many more people ahead of us now? Seventeen.
-All right, fuck this.
See this? -Ricky! We're moving to the top of the fuckin' list now.
My friend Cory needs to see a doctor or he's going to fucking die! -Ricky, put the fuckin' gun away.
-You need to leave right now! Calling security.
Ricky! Put the fuckin' gun away.
Put the fuckin' phone down right now.
-Put the fuckin' phone down or -Or what? Or I'll blow his other fuckin' hand off and you'll have two blown-off hands to deal with, how's that? Ah, you fucking asshole! -Security! Front desk! -Motherfuck-- son of a motherfucking-- God damn it, Ricky! All right, everybody out! Let's go! Move! -How bad am I burnt? -Just move! You look like a half-chewed caramel! Fuck, that was mean! What kind of fucking plan was that, Ricky? You look like a piece of Korean barbecue.
It wasn't my fuckin' fault.
Normally when you point a gun at someone, they do what the fuck you ask.
Fuck, that got burnt me! Oh, this is just fucking great.
What are we gonna do now, boys? Cory's arm is turning into a goddamned zombie and that's the only hospital for 100 miles.
You know what, just throw the disgusting fucking thing in the garbage, It's no good anymore.
It stinks.
It's done.
We tried! Ricky, it's his arm! We gotta get the fuckin' thing sewn back on.
What are we gonna do here? For fuck sakes.
Well, I hate to say it, boys, but there's really only one other option right now.
Seriously? We're going to Sam Losco's? What other option do we have, huh? Just hurry up and get him inside.
Ah, fuck, Cory, you're starting to look whiter than Jacob, man.
No! Please don't let me turn white, dudes, I'd rather die! How can I help you? We need you to re-attach this.
No fucking way, Julian! Not this time, man.
Jesus Christ, Sam, we go through this every time.
You're not gonna make me take out my fuckin' gun, are ya? Come on, Sam.
Look, I know we fucked you around a bit in the past, but Cory's arm is off, this is serious! Yeah, man, stop being a dick! We'll fuckin' do anything here.
Oh, whoa, man, is it ever pink and shit! Lord sacred mother of all that's fuckin' holy.
I will never be able to eat roast beef again.
What the fuck is that? Well, I was out in the woods shooting a demo to apply for that Naked and Afraid show, and, well, I made a few bad decisions, and long story short, a bear ripped my cock off and ate it.
Doctors tried to reconstruct it, but all they could really do was build a flap thing here to cover the hole.
First time I ever saw a doctor throw up.
It kinda looks like an axe wound on a gorilla's back.
Yeah, or a fuckin'-- Like an octopus head with somethin' through it or such.
Or really bad road rash.
Looks like you laid on a cranberried cupcake, dude.
Why the fuck are you showing us that? You of all people should know, you don't get anything for free in this fuckin' life, Julian.
You want the arm sewed back on, lock the door.
Maybe we can work something out.
Mr.
Lahey? Sir? Mr.
Lahey? Shithawk shit! There's Mr.
Lahey's sunglasses! Stupid friggin' shithawk.
Mr.
Lahey meant a lot to me and you just took him from me! You know what? Just come and take me! Take me too, you ugly, flying shit bird! Oh, frig! Oh, frig! Frig off! I wasn't serious.
Leave me the frig alone! It was a figure of friggin' speech! For frig sakes! Holy crap, that was close.
Shitwinds.
Randy Mr.
Lahey? Is that you? Where are you? Use the liquor.
The liquor? Get some liquor? Is that what you're saying, Mr.
Lahey? Mr.
Lahey? Just so we're crystal clear here, what exactly are you asking for? Look, you guys know me.
I'm a horny fucker.
But I haven't been able to get off for months now, I'm dying.
This is almost healed, I just need someone to help me figure out, you know, how it works, which buttons to push, et cetera.
Whoa, are you asking one of us to bang that scarred-up, swampy mess? I don't know, bang it, finger it, lick it, whatever it takes.
Or, you can throw Cory's arm in the garbage, we all go home and call it a day.
Jesus Christ.
Listen, I know this is fucked, but Cory's arm is not gonna last much longer here, okay? Someone's gotta take one for the team here.
What? What, me? No fuckin' way, boys, not a chance.
There's no way my first time doing it is gonna involve fiddlin' around with Sam Losco's mystery hole! It'd be like bangin' a lasagna! Well, clearly I can't do it.
I've only got one hand.
I guess I'm out too, dude.
Guys, I'll do it.
I mean, I'm not gonna let Cory die.
My head's twisted around, I won't see him anyway.
Sounds good to me.
Let's go.
Wait! Fuck! Jacob can't do it.
He'd be cheating on Trinity, and she'd be pissed at me not protecting her fuckin' honor.
Jesus Christ.
I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but Sam, I won't fuck you, but I'll finger you.
Deal! -Where do you want me to do it? -In my new hole, of course.
I fuckin' know that.
What room? Oh, right in here.
There's little a table with stirrups all set up.
This is so fucked! Cory, this is your fuckin' fault, man! You're coming with me.
I might need a hand.
Turn off the lights.
I'm sorry I let you down, sir.
We had our stupid fights and breakups but you were always there for me, even when you were wasted.
Which was most of the time.
I can't believe I'll never see you again, sir.
You're the love of my life.
Frig it! Mr.
Lahey? What's happening? I'm in a good place, not a care in the world.
Where? Are you real? Randy.
The park's yours.
All of it.
It's what I've always wanted, sir, but it won't be the same if you're not here to share it with me and be proud of me.
I got your back, bud.
I don't know if I can do it all alone.
Turn to the liquor.
Let the liquor figure this out.
I love you, Randy! I love you too, sir.
I won't let you down, Mr.
Lahey.
Yep.
Hey, Ricky, did you get a Kit Kat on him? A Kit Kat? What the fuck is that, Bubs? Four fingers! What kind of speed did you get going there, buddy? Why don't you two lick my fuckin' balls? I had to finger him for Trinity.
That's the shit you do when you're a parent.
You were fucking good, too.
I came like seven times.
Seven? You fucking asshole! -You should've stopped me after one! -But you were so good! I wanted to see if I was a squirter.
What're you doing Friday night? Second date, buddy? Fuck you, Sam.
Okay.
Done.
Arm's as good as new.
Just let the glue dry and the stitches heal for 24 hours before you start jackin' with it.
Dope.
Thanks S-Dog.
Wait, what's going on with my hand? I can't open that shit.
Oh, that's nerve damage.
It'll come back at some point.
Hopefully.
Put your fuckin' arm down, Cory.
Holy fuck, he's like a slot machine! Oh, yeah, there's some muscle damage as well, but -you know, it should work itself out.
-Dope! It's like "power to the people" shit.
Black power, motherfucker.
Hey, guys? What about my neck? Okay, boys, it's time to override this buzz-on and get things back to normal.
Ricky, you might want to disinfect your hand before you manhandle the joint.
I'd use fuckin' gasoline if I was you.
You might want to tell that to Cory.
I didn't actually finger Sam.
It was dark in there, so I used Cory's dead hand.
-Holy fuck.
-What? Ah, shit, dude.
That's why my fingers smell like ass.
Listen up, everybody! Mr.
Lahey was kidnapped by a shithawk! And I thought I lost him forever.
And then he came out of a liquor bottle as a ghost, and he told me that I'm running the park now! My God, I thought I was fuckin' high.
-Wow.
-Holy fuck, Randy.
Here, bud.
It's just the mushrooms, man.
You gotta fuckin' override this buzz-on with the booze.
Drink up.
I'm friggin' serious, boys.
Watch this.
If I take this and drink it down, you'll see him come out! Yeah.
Okay, bud.
Come talk to us, Mr.
Lahey.
-Please.
-You're fucked.
Frig sakes.
Down he goes.
Oh, my God, he's pissing himself, boys.
I guess he is channeling Mr.
Lahey, though.
Well, that's one down, five to go, boys.
All right, everybody drink up.
When we wake up tomorrow, everything's gonna be back to normal, so let's fucking get good and drunk tonight and try to have a good time.
Boys! Boys! Let's get some markers and draw cocks on Randy's face! Fuck, yeah, let's do it! Let's draw a cock on his cock!