Transparent (2014) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
[Soft piano music.]
[piano music.]
[giggles.]
Pervert.
What? Just doing a little riverdance on your boobs.
- [Laughs.]
- More like ice capades.
[Groans.]
[Sighs.]
No, no, no, no, I stink.
Um, yes, I want I want that.
No, you stink.
[Laughter.]
Blah.
[Laughs.]
let's get ready for school One, two, three, four, five.
let's get ready for school One, two, three four, five.
- Sylvia! - Yes? I made a roast.
Can you just put it in the refrigerator? - Yes.
- And then 350 at 4:00? - Si.
- I think that that'll work.
Come on.
Put that away.
Hey, hey, hey, let's go.
Let's go! - Let's go, let's go.
- [Door closes.]
Oh, man.
Hello Len? Was that your dad? Did your dad just go to work without saying good-bye? I think your dad just went to work.
Where are my keys? So I have a new idea.
- Okay.
- A really big juicy one.
Remember that kids book "Are you my mother"? Oh, yeah, that motherfucking bird? The one that's like, "Oh, the tractor.
- You're my mom.
" - Yeah, the little birdy.
Um, okay, I want to do a parody of that, sort of urban outfitters checkout line book, - you know, those little - Yeah, yeah, best seller.
- I get it.
- Yeah, big money.
Um, that's, like, called Are you my, um - Soul mate? - Oh, jeez.
Um A sort of cautionary tale about - Slutting around and - Mm-hmm.
- You know, just being me.
- [Cell phone ringing.]
- Yeah, I'm on board.
- Good, right? Yeah, top seller.
This is weird.
My dad literally never calls me.
- All right.
- Hi, dad.
- Get your foot off my backpack.
- Ella, get in your seat.
I'm not touching it.
- Stop.
Stop it.
- Uh, all right.
- [Children's CD playing.]
- His foot is on my lunchbox.
Hey, wait, let me get this in so I can put your sister in.
[Children bickering.]
Hands up, hands up, hands up.
Why do you always believe her? [Phone ringing.]
- Mom, mom, mom? - Oh, it's grandpa.
Hey, dad, what's up? I got the kids in the car.
Oh, this is super tweet-able.
Girls in the band getting crafty.
- Perfect.
- Can you knock it off? Can you, uh, lift it up a little bit? - No.
Mm-mm.
- Are you kidding? - No, I'm serious.
Just - Like this? Like - No.
- So that 'Cause I want to continue with my knitting.
- [Giggles.]
- Is this sativa or indica? - Sativa.
- Tell Barry Are you serious? - That, uh, we need to - God, stop talking.
re-record my vocals on party fowl.
No, sativa gives me anxiety attacks.
- Okay.
- Hi.
- Someone's here.
- Someone has keys? - Should I hide the weed? - Yeah, it's my sister.
She's got keys, and yes, hide the pot, or she'll smoke it all.
Hey, whoa.
Hello.
- Hi.
- There's two of you.
Hi, I'm Ali.
[School bell rings.]
Tammy? [Laughs.]
Whoa.
[Laughs.]
Hi.
- Sarah, wow.
- What are you doing I mean why are you I thought your kid was older.
Oh, no that that's Bianca.
No, with with my first wife.
Um, she's 17 now.
Yeah, and Quinn and I, we we split.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- No.
No, no.
I'm married to Barb now, so I'm giving it a giving it another go around, - a second go around.
- [Laughter.]
Yeah.
We have a we got a five-year-old, Gracie, who, uh she just got booted out of the oaks.
Yeah, no, she bit a kid, and he was a total a-hole and completely deserved it, but, you know.
- [Laughs.]
- What about you? What you got? Uh, Ella is five, and Zacky is six, and I'm married to a guy.
- His name's Len.
- Yeah, yeah.
- He's great.
- Okay.
Hey, I saw the profile on you about your interior, um, decorator - Yeah, designer, actually.
- Sorry, designer.
- But that's okay.
- Really, that photo - was amazing.
- You know, it's good.
It pays the alimony and the child support.
- We should get together.
- Maybe a playdate.
- I can - Right, with the kids.
- Both: Yeah.
- I'll put a muzzle on Gracie.
[Laughs.]
You look really great, kid.
Oh, my God, please don't tell me you fucked 'em both - at the same time.
- No, I'm actually not, because one of them is The other one is an actual delightful human person, so I'm not fucking her either.
I'm actually making very sweet love to her, you know, just sort of like connective, spiritual, creamy, double-churned No, don't talk to me like that.
Which one are you doing that creepy thing to? The one on the left with the hair.
- Hmm.
- Their band's actually good.
- You would like them.
- Oh, really? - Yeah, yeah.
- What are they called? Glitterish.
- Glitterish? - Yes.
- Sounds like clitoris.
- No, it doesn't.
This is the one where one woman stands in the back very seriously playing the triangle? - Yeah, that's true - Ah, yes.
But it's actually really important to the sound.
- It is.
- Very important to the sound? Oh, my God.
What do you have against the triangle? How do you feed these children you have over at your house? There's nothing in here.
You should get some, you know, what they like? Juice boxes and string cheese, treats for the kids.
- Are you done? - Have you talked to daddy? - Yes.
- And? - You think he has cancer? - Kinda.
Well, if he's really sick, he should start gifting us Why? Tax purposes, you know.
It just anyways, don't worry about it.
- Hi.
- Oh, oh, what is this? - Shotgun Willy's.
- Mmm.
Oh, my God, I just got a boner in my tummy.
[Laughs.]
This one is pretty sure dad has cancer.
- What? No.
Seriously? - Seriously.
I thought maybe we were here to hear about his engagement to Marcy.
Dad's not getting engaged.
He's too much of a pussy hound.
- Ew.
- Really, he's a Marcy hound.
Haven't, like, the last six been named Marcy? - Yeah, Goldberg, Kaplan.
- Two.
Two Marcys.
Goldberg and Kaplan.
- Marcy Fitzelfinerheinstein.
- [Laughs.]
Rubenstein, or what was that one? Ru Rubishnowitzshitzlitz.
- Ridinkle.
- Marcy Kristallnacht.
- Belsenberger? - Kristallnacht.
[Laughter.]
Seriously, do you really think it's cancer? Does Shotgun Willy's do the coleslaw - with the peanuts by the way? - Damn you, cancer.
- Yes, they do.
- Fuck.
Who puts peanuts in coleslaw? Assholes.
My darlings.
My beautiful, beautiful darlings.
Hi, dad.
- Hey, gorgeous.
- Hi.
- You're skinny.
- Oh.
Come on.
Jesus.
Tammy motherfucking Cashman? God, does Len know the kids are at same school? Why would Len care? Um, maybe 'cause you guys spent your entire college years lezzing it up together? Please, who doesn't experiment in college? Are you kidding? That's not experimenting.
You guys were talking about adopting a kid together.
That did not happen.
Oh, my God, I distinctly remember you calling and saying you were gonna have two Mexican boys - Wait, they're - Salvadoran.
Ali, get over here, you little hooker.
You always do such a good job of getting the food, honey.
Oh, thanks.
You can put it on my tombstone.
"Always knew how much to order.
" How many are we? Is, um, is Marcy coming? Oh, no, no, no, Marcy and I broke up.
I'm fine.
I'm better, actually.
- Hmm? - Okay, here it is.
Here it is.
Oh, my God, look at that face.
- Mm.
Oh, God.
- Look at that.
They would never let me sign a guy like this right now.
- Look at that schnoz.
- Ah.
You could not get that nose on TV today in a million years.
I loved him so much.
You you married him.
I did, when I was four years old.
We had a ceremony.
- I'll never be happy again.
- * operator * Both: * would you help me place this call? * see the number on the matchbook is old and faded - Oh.
- [Humming.]
Both: * living in L.
A.
* - Wonderful job.
- Okay.
- These are really amazing.
- Wonderful job - driving up to the place.
- Ali, you didn't have one of these.
Are you kidding? - What? - Sarah, I'm gluten-free.
You're having problems with gluten? Yes, daddy, I'm having problems with gluten.
Yeah, she is.
She's having a lot of problems with gluten, - with also with restless legs.
- It's restless leg syndrome.
- Also, Epstein-Barr - Mercury poisoning.
- Chronic fatigue, Lyme disease.
- Fibromyalgia.
- She had Lyme disease.
- No, seriously, it was documented.
Four people in Los Angeles have ever had Lyme disease.
Excuse me, there was a bull's eye in my armpit.
And Ali is one of 'em, but it was temporary.
Dad, you have sauce right here.
Oh, my God, leave him alone.
He's mid-meal, okay? This is the golden rule.
Let him be as messy as he wants.
We'll hose him down at the end.
No, you clean up as you go along.
You guys really didn't ever teach us how to eat.
You realize that, right? Because we come from Shtetl people.
Your grandma rose actually ate lettuce with her bare hands.
Dear God.
Josh, seriously? Oh, my do something about yourself.
Actually, on principle, I will not.
I'm eating barbecue, and it's on my face.
I'm not perfect like you.
You have flesh coming off - your mustache.
- Okay.
Sarah is, like, Miss Cleanliness USA 1992.
Oh, you know what? It's really not that hard - you wipe - Why don't you clean up the barbecue sauce inside of your vagina? - Hey, guys.
- Sorry.
Listen, I have I I need to talk to you about something.
There's a big change going on, and Oh, God, I love you kids.
I love you kids.
I love you kids.
[Sniffs.]
I love you kids.
I love you kids.
- It is cancer.
Oh, my God.
- Daddy, are you dying? - Just tell us if you're dying.
- You were right.
- I knew it was cancer.
- Daddy, are you dying? - I don't think he has cancer.
- Just tell us if you're dying.
Dad, just tell us if you have cancer.
Dad, you look good.
He looks good.
Thank you.
It doesn't matter how he looks.
- You remember Jill Goldberg? - Yeah.
She had a melanoma for three years.
They didn't they couldn't see it.
Then boom! She's dead.
- Jill Goldberg is dead? - Yeah.
No, and if daddy had cancer, he'd have the kind where you looked at like the one all your friends died of it - Prostate.
- Prostate, prostate cancer.
That's the one that you would probably have, right? - Colon cancer.
Super stuff.
- Oh, my goodness.
- You never know.
- Nothing to be joked about.
- That's beside the point.
- How many of your friend God! Stop it.
God, I don't have cancer.
Do you kids want me to have cancer? All right.
So I'm selling the house.
- I'm done with the house.
- I'll take it.
- No, you won't.
- Why not? You're not gonna move to the West Side.
No, not to live in.
I'm gonna flip it.
I've been zillowing the fuck out of this place.
You know how much it's worth right now? - Well, I oh, it's cold.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm almost done.
I just got to - Please? I'm sorry.
I'm thinking that you and Len would love to live - in this house.
- Both: Oh, my God.
No fucking way.
Jesus Christ.
Why do you want to give the house to me? - Because I do.
- This is crazy.
Now, she needs two sugar daddies? She's already got one.
I want a husband to buy me a house and work his ass off so I can just go to yoga and just take naps all day.
- I'd love that.
- Why do you two get to decide who gets the house? You both have a house.
- I don't have a house.
- You can't have a house because you can't handle money, which is proven by the fact that you don't have a house.
"Proven" is not a word like that.
"As proven by the fact" that's a verb.
As an adjective "A proven fact" that works.
See, this is why you have to date children 'cause they don't - correct your grammar.
- I do not date children.
- Yes, you do.
- You're a child, actually.
Listen, dad, it would have been really nice if you had talked to me about this privately, before you turned it into a free-for-all.
You know what? I have a show, and I love you guys very much, and I will speak to you later.
Good-bye.
All right, you want to take this home? Yes, please.
Dad, you don't need all this food, right? Ah.
Dad, I'm gonna put these baby backs in a ziploc for you.
Where are you gonna live, daddy? [Utensils clinking.]
Here you go.
[Clears throat.]
It's just a loan.
You know, the unemployment people, - they just suddenly got my apartment number wrong.
- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
- It's fine.
- I don't know.
Somebody else is getting my money.
What happened to the, uh, Price is Right money? Dad, that was, like, six years ago.
- It was six years ago? - Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Is that all gone? Yeah.
It wasn't that much.
[Exhales.]
Well, I'm always always Happy to help you out when you're in trouble.
- I'm not in trouble.
I'm just - Hmm.
You know out of all my kids, you're the one you can see me most clearly.
Probably because we share the depressive gene.
[Laughing.]
I'm not depressed.
Boy, it is so hard when someone sees something you do not want them to see.
Um Well, thanks.
Ali, let's hit it.
Go.
You want to go.
[Lock clicks.]
[Sighs.]
[Dialing phone.]
[Phone ringing.]
- Hello? - Hi.
- How'd it go? - I no, I couldn't do it.
My God, I had no idea it was gonna be so hard.
I know.
[Laughs.]
Oh, thank you.
I love you too.
Yes, I will see you tomorrow.
Yeah, good night.
[Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros' Mayla.]
[Singers humming.]
Mayla long time may the sunshine Mayla know I'm trying to see it through our future to the new - Hi.
- * horizon * Mayla long time may the sunshine Make yourself comfortable.
hold on we're trying our hands are bleeding through we're building us a new horizon Mayla we're trying our hands are bleeding through our death says that we're due and falling [singers humming.]
Mayla All he wanted to say was you know, announce his retirement.
- So that was it.
- Yeah.
Thought you guys already knew that he was retiring.
Well, yeah, but not, like, when and I mean, you know, he sort of it was like a confirmation.
Seems like something he could have told you over the phone, but Yeah, I don't know.
Maybe he just wanted to get us all together, I don't know.
- You're sure it's not cancer? - No, no, we talked about that.
No cancer, which is great.
[Metallic rattling.]
Hey, I was thinking about, um inviting Tammy and Grace over for a playdate this week.
Would that be okay? Of course it'd be okay.
Why wouldn't it be okay? She's that, um, lesbian that I went to Madison with.
I like lesbians.
[Sniff.]
[Doorbell rings.]
I says, "I didn't join this board to watch you turn it from people who care deeply about palm terrace to a bunch of newbies who never sat on a condo board before, never dealt with special assessments before, never dealt with shit, frankly.
" - Hi, darling.
- Hi, mommy.
I could go to jail.
I could.
If you're gonna sit there, take your shoes off.
I'm gonna cut up cantaloupe.
Well, he'll make a pretty penny off that sale.
You're not gonna get any of it? He's done paying me out.
Dating younger women doesn't come cheap.
Well, he says he's single now.
I wouldn't believe a word your father says.
Nothing, not a word, nada, ninca, nein, nicht.
How much did you guys pay for that house when you bought it? $83,000 in 1972.
Josh and I were looking at old records.
There's so many good ones.
Why'd you let him keep them all? You know I don't care for music.
Is he okay? - What? - Is he okay? Ask him.
Everyone thinks since he started losing words he stopped being able to hear, but he can hear.
Hi, Ed.
Hi.
How you doing? See? Where were you? I don't get why you'd ask me to sleep over if you're just gonna be, like, a billion years late.
'Cause I can't sleep without you next to me now.
Oh, my God, you have your ambiens.
My dad's gonna sell my house.
This house? No, the family house.
They got divorced.
My mom moved out.
My dad got to keep it.
I was 15.
Why'd they get divorced? They said they weren't in love anymore.
Well, I went to target, and I just I took her out, you know what I mean? And I got into, you know, the checkout line, and the girl at the cash register said, "I need to see some I.
D.
With that credit card of yours.
" and, um, well, you know what that's like, right? All: Mm-hmm.
And I just knew.
I said, "This is gonna not be good.
This is gonna get ugly.
" and so she just, um, kept looking at me And then she said, "Oh.
" Like that, you know? [Person chuckles.]
And she rung up the, um batteries, something.
Oh, that was a I mean, that was a big victory.
And I didn't, uh I was like, "Do not cry in front of this woman.
Do not cry in front of this woman.
" Thank you for your share, Maura.
Thanks for being vulnerable with us.
One more thing.
I made a commitment here last week that I was gonna come out to my kids, and I didn't do it.
Because it just wasn't time, you know? But I will, and it will be soon - Yeah.
- I promise you.
I promise you.
- I promise you.
- [Laughter.]
They are so selfish.
I don't know how it is I raised three people who cannot see beyond themselves.
[Soft piano music.]
Do you remember, um, my parents' house? Do I remember? Don't you remember, you took me up there for the, like, world's most awkward Thanksgiving about a week before they announced their divorce? [Laughs.]
Oh, my God, that's right.
- That was that was - Hellish.
A particularly bad Thanksgiving.
So anyway, my dad's thinking of moving or renovating.
- You know what I would like? - What? Your eye.
Do you want to check it out with me? Yeah, sure.
Isn't that your whole, like, thang, your skill set? Yeah, I'd say that's yeah, that's it's my skill set.
Now? Now.
So tell me what you want.
Uh, I just want to change my body, you know? What do you want to do to it? You know, I just want those, like, those, like, nice sculpted arms, and then, like, a nice little waist, and then the big ass, like, the little waist, big ass.
You know? Just to feel sort of rooted, you know? - Like a tree trunk - Hmm.
Not like I'm just gonna sort of fall over.
Well, let's start with this.
What do you eat? Uh, food mostly, but then sometimes I eat too much of the food, and then I sort of hate that.
And then I get into this deprivation thing, - and that's just - Deprivation.
No, I like to think of it more as discipline.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I could use some discipline.
Motherfucker.
This is this is spectacular.
- Right? - Yeah.
We just have to go around the back to get in.
He leaves the slider open.
- Since 1976.
- What, 63? [Laughter.]
Oh.
Yeah.
My dad's bedroom.
The bones on this baby.
Nobody's, uh nobody's touched it, huh? [Laughs.]
Clearly.
You think it's it's worth so much that we should just sell it now? I mean, I wouldn't I wouldn't give this thing up unless unless somebody needs the money.
How's old Mort sitting for dough? Actually, he's talking about giving the house to me and Len.
And Len wants it? Oh, God, he'd jump all over it.
He's always complaining about the East Side.
Calls it the ghetto.
- The "Guh-hett-o.
" - [Laughs.]
I don't know if I'm ready to give up my Saturday mornings.
Farmers' market and the pupusa lady.
Oh.
It's the pupusa lady you're gonna miss, huh? Yeah.
I I really like her pupusas.
What'd you say? - [Laughs.]
What? - I love her pupusas.
- Okay.
- What? You just you know, when you say that you just make it kind of sound kind of dirty.
[Both panting.]
What? What? What? What? What? I love you.
You're such a loser.
Do not say that.
Actually, I have a song I want you guys to cover.
That's what you're thinking about right now? Uh-huh.
operator oh, could you help me place this call? see the number on the matchbook is old and faded [panting.]
but isn't that the way they say it goes well, let's forget all that [grunts.]
That's all I got.
That's all you got.
Yeah, that's all I got.
so I can call just to tell 'em I'm fine and to show Are you sure that's all you got for me? Yeah, that's all I got.
Move that big ass.
[Gasps.]
that's not the way it feels Ten more.
Ten, nine operator well, could you help me place this call? [Moans.]
'cause I can't read the number Eight that you just gave me Seven, six there's something in my eyes you know it happens every time I think about the love that I thought would save me - Mm.
- [Both panting.]
isn't that the way Five they say it goes Four well, let's forget all that and give me the number if you can find it so I can call Three just to tell 'em I'm fine and to show I've overcome the blow two I've learned to take it well I only wish my words could just convince myself that it just wasn't real One.
Dad? Hi, girls.
Jim Croce: * but that's not the way it feels * operator, well, could you help me place this call? 'cause I can't read the number that you just gave me there's something in my eyes you know it happens every time I think about the love that I thought would save me
[piano music.]
[giggles.]
Pervert.
What? Just doing a little riverdance on your boobs.
- [Laughs.]
- More like ice capades.
[Groans.]
[Sighs.]
No, no, no, no, I stink.
Um, yes, I want I want that.
No, you stink.
[Laughter.]
Blah.
[Laughs.]
let's get ready for school One, two, three, four, five.
let's get ready for school One, two, three four, five.
- Sylvia! - Yes? I made a roast.
Can you just put it in the refrigerator? - Yes.
- And then 350 at 4:00? - Si.
- I think that that'll work.
Come on.
Put that away.
Hey, hey, hey, let's go.
Let's go! - Let's go, let's go.
- [Door closes.]
Oh, man.
Hello Len? Was that your dad? Did your dad just go to work without saying good-bye? I think your dad just went to work.
Where are my keys? So I have a new idea.
- Okay.
- A really big juicy one.
Remember that kids book "Are you my mother"? Oh, yeah, that motherfucking bird? The one that's like, "Oh, the tractor.
- You're my mom.
" - Yeah, the little birdy.
Um, okay, I want to do a parody of that, sort of urban outfitters checkout line book, - you know, those little - Yeah, yeah, best seller.
- I get it.
- Yeah, big money.
Um, that's, like, called Are you my, um - Soul mate? - Oh, jeez.
Um A sort of cautionary tale about - Slutting around and - Mm-hmm.
- You know, just being me.
- [Cell phone ringing.]
- Yeah, I'm on board.
- Good, right? Yeah, top seller.
This is weird.
My dad literally never calls me.
- All right.
- Hi, dad.
- Get your foot off my backpack.
- Ella, get in your seat.
I'm not touching it.
- Stop.
Stop it.
- Uh, all right.
- [Children's CD playing.]
- His foot is on my lunchbox.
Hey, wait, let me get this in so I can put your sister in.
[Children bickering.]
Hands up, hands up, hands up.
Why do you always believe her? [Phone ringing.]
- Mom, mom, mom? - Oh, it's grandpa.
Hey, dad, what's up? I got the kids in the car.
Oh, this is super tweet-able.
Girls in the band getting crafty.
- Perfect.
- Can you knock it off? Can you, uh, lift it up a little bit? - No.
Mm-mm.
- Are you kidding? - No, I'm serious.
Just - Like this? Like - No.
- So that 'Cause I want to continue with my knitting.
- [Giggles.]
- Is this sativa or indica? - Sativa.
- Tell Barry Are you serious? - That, uh, we need to - God, stop talking.
re-record my vocals on party fowl.
No, sativa gives me anxiety attacks.
- Okay.
- Hi.
- Someone's here.
- Someone has keys? - Should I hide the weed? - Yeah, it's my sister.
She's got keys, and yes, hide the pot, or she'll smoke it all.
Hey, whoa.
Hello.
- Hi.
- There's two of you.
Hi, I'm Ali.
[School bell rings.]
Tammy? [Laughs.]
Whoa.
[Laughs.]
Hi.
- Sarah, wow.
- What are you doing I mean why are you I thought your kid was older.
Oh, no that that's Bianca.
No, with with my first wife.
Um, she's 17 now.
Yeah, and Quinn and I, we we split.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- No.
No, no.
I'm married to Barb now, so I'm giving it a giving it another go around, - a second go around.
- [Laughter.]
Yeah.
We have a we got a five-year-old, Gracie, who, uh she just got booted out of the oaks.
Yeah, no, she bit a kid, and he was a total a-hole and completely deserved it, but, you know.
- [Laughs.]
- What about you? What you got? Uh, Ella is five, and Zacky is six, and I'm married to a guy.
- His name's Len.
- Yeah, yeah.
- He's great.
- Okay.
Hey, I saw the profile on you about your interior, um, decorator - Yeah, designer, actually.
- Sorry, designer.
- But that's okay.
- Really, that photo - was amazing.
- You know, it's good.
It pays the alimony and the child support.
- We should get together.
- Maybe a playdate.
- I can - Right, with the kids.
- Both: Yeah.
- I'll put a muzzle on Gracie.
[Laughs.]
You look really great, kid.
Oh, my God, please don't tell me you fucked 'em both - at the same time.
- No, I'm actually not, because one of them is The other one is an actual delightful human person, so I'm not fucking her either.
I'm actually making very sweet love to her, you know, just sort of like connective, spiritual, creamy, double-churned No, don't talk to me like that.
Which one are you doing that creepy thing to? The one on the left with the hair.
- Hmm.
- Their band's actually good.
- You would like them.
- Oh, really? - Yeah, yeah.
- What are they called? Glitterish.
- Glitterish? - Yes.
- Sounds like clitoris.
- No, it doesn't.
This is the one where one woman stands in the back very seriously playing the triangle? - Yeah, that's true - Ah, yes.
But it's actually really important to the sound.
- It is.
- Very important to the sound? Oh, my God.
What do you have against the triangle? How do you feed these children you have over at your house? There's nothing in here.
You should get some, you know, what they like? Juice boxes and string cheese, treats for the kids.
- Are you done? - Have you talked to daddy? - Yes.
- And? - You think he has cancer? - Kinda.
Well, if he's really sick, he should start gifting us Why? Tax purposes, you know.
It just anyways, don't worry about it.
- Hi.
- Oh, oh, what is this? - Shotgun Willy's.
- Mmm.
Oh, my God, I just got a boner in my tummy.
[Laughs.]
This one is pretty sure dad has cancer.
- What? No.
Seriously? - Seriously.
I thought maybe we were here to hear about his engagement to Marcy.
Dad's not getting engaged.
He's too much of a pussy hound.
- Ew.
- Really, he's a Marcy hound.
Haven't, like, the last six been named Marcy? - Yeah, Goldberg, Kaplan.
- Two.
Two Marcys.
Goldberg and Kaplan.
- Marcy Fitzelfinerheinstein.
- [Laughs.]
Rubenstein, or what was that one? Ru Rubishnowitzshitzlitz.
- Ridinkle.
- Marcy Kristallnacht.
- Belsenberger? - Kristallnacht.
[Laughter.]
Seriously, do you really think it's cancer? Does Shotgun Willy's do the coleslaw - with the peanuts by the way? - Damn you, cancer.
- Yes, they do.
- Fuck.
Who puts peanuts in coleslaw? Assholes.
My darlings.
My beautiful, beautiful darlings.
Hi, dad.
- Hey, gorgeous.
- Hi.
- You're skinny.
- Oh.
Come on.
Jesus.
Tammy motherfucking Cashman? God, does Len know the kids are at same school? Why would Len care? Um, maybe 'cause you guys spent your entire college years lezzing it up together? Please, who doesn't experiment in college? Are you kidding? That's not experimenting.
You guys were talking about adopting a kid together.
That did not happen.
Oh, my God, I distinctly remember you calling and saying you were gonna have two Mexican boys - Wait, they're - Salvadoran.
Ali, get over here, you little hooker.
You always do such a good job of getting the food, honey.
Oh, thanks.
You can put it on my tombstone.
"Always knew how much to order.
" How many are we? Is, um, is Marcy coming? Oh, no, no, no, Marcy and I broke up.
I'm fine.
I'm better, actually.
- Hmm? - Okay, here it is.
Here it is.
Oh, my God, look at that face.
- Mm.
Oh, God.
- Look at that.
They would never let me sign a guy like this right now.
- Look at that schnoz.
- Ah.
You could not get that nose on TV today in a million years.
I loved him so much.
You you married him.
I did, when I was four years old.
We had a ceremony.
- I'll never be happy again.
- * operator * Both: * would you help me place this call? * see the number on the matchbook is old and faded - Oh.
- [Humming.]
Both: * living in L.
A.
* - Wonderful job.
- Okay.
- These are really amazing.
- Wonderful job - driving up to the place.
- Ali, you didn't have one of these.
Are you kidding? - What? - Sarah, I'm gluten-free.
You're having problems with gluten? Yes, daddy, I'm having problems with gluten.
Yeah, she is.
She's having a lot of problems with gluten, - with also with restless legs.
- It's restless leg syndrome.
- Also, Epstein-Barr - Mercury poisoning.
- Chronic fatigue, Lyme disease.
- Fibromyalgia.
- She had Lyme disease.
- No, seriously, it was documented.
Four people in Los Angeles have ever had Lyme disease.
Excuse me, there was a bull's eye in my armpit.
And Ali is one of 'em, but it was temporary.
Dad, you have sauce right here.
Oh, my God, leave him alone.
He's mid-meal, okay? This is the golden rule.
Let him be as messy as he wants.
We'll hose him down at the end.
No, you clean up as you go along.
You guys really didn't ever teach us how to eat.
You realize that, right? Because we come from Shtetl people.
Your grandma rose actually ate lettuce with her bare hands.
Dear God.
Josh, seriously? Oh, my do something about yourself.
Actually, on principle, I will not.
I'm eating barbecue, and it's on my face.
I'm not perfect like you.
You have flesh coming off - your mustache.
- Okay.
Sarah is, like, Miss Cleanliness USA 1992.
Oh, you know what? It's really not that hard - you wipe - Why don't you clean up the barbecue sauce inside of your vagina? - Hey, guys.
- Sorry.
Listen, I have I I need to talk to you about something.
There's a big change going on, and Oh, God, I love you kids.
I love you kids.
I love you kids.
[Sniffs.]
I love you kids.
I love you kids.
- It is cancer.
Oh, my God.
- Daddy, are you dying? - Just tell us if you're dying.
- You were right.
- I knew it was cancer.
- Daddy, are you dying? - I don't think he has cancer.
- Just tell us if you're dying.
Dad, just tell us if you have cancer.
Dad, you look good.
He looks good.
Thank you.
It doesn't matter how he looks.
- You remember Jill Goldberg? - Yeah.
She had a melanoma for three years.
They didn't they couldn't see it.
Then boom! She's dead.
- Jill Goldberg is dead? - Yeah.
No, and if daddy had cancer, he'd have the kind where you looked at like the one all your friends died of it - Prostate.
- Prostate, prostate cancer.
That's the one that you would probably have, right? - Colon cancer.
Super stuff.
- Oh, my goodness.
- You never know.
- Nothing to be joked about.
- That's beside the point.
- How many of your friend God! Stop it.
God, I don't have cancer.
Do you kids want me to have cancer? All right.
So I'm selling the house.
- I'm done with the house.
- I'll take it.
- No, you won't.
- Why not? You're not gonna move to the West Side.
No, not to live in.
I'm gonna flip it.
I've been zillowing the fuck out of this place.
You know how much it's worth right now? - Well, I oh, it's cold.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm almost done.
I just got to - Please? I'm sorry.
I'm thinking that you and Len would love to live - in this house.
- Both: Oh, my God.
No fucking way.
Jesus Christ.
Why do you want to give the house to me? - Because I do.
- This is crazy.
Now, she needs two sugar daddies? She's already got one.
I want a husband to buy me a house and work his ass off so I can just go to yoga and just take naps all day.
- I'd love that.
- Why do you two get to decide who gets the house? You both have a house.
- I don't have a house.
- You can't have a house because you can't handle money, which is proven by the fact that you don't have a house.
"Proven" is not a word like that.
"As proven by the fact" that's a verb.
As an adjective "A proven fact" that works.
See, this is why you have to date children 'cause they don't - correct your grammar.
- I do not date children.
- Yes, you do.
- You're a child, actually.
Listen, dad, it would have been really nice if you had talked to me about this privately, before you turned it into a free-for-all.
You know what? I have a show, and I love you guys very much, and I will speak to you later.
Good-bye.
All right, you want to take this home? Yes, please.
Dad, you don't need all this food, right? Ah.
Dad, I'm gonna put these baby backs in a ziploc for you.
Where are you gonna live, daddy? [Utensils clinking.]
Here you go.
[Clears throat.]
It's just a loan.
You know, the unemployment people, - they just suddenly got my apartment number wrong.
- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
- It's fine.
- I don't know.
Somebody else is getting my money.
What happened to the, uh, Price is Right money? Dad, that was, like, six years ago.
- It was six years ago? - Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Is that all gone? Yeah.
It wasn't that much.
[Exhales.]
Well, I'm always always Happy to help you out when you're in trouble.
- I'm not in trouble.
I'm just - Hmm.
You know out of all my kids, you're the one you can see me most clearly.
Probably because we share the depressive gene.
[Laughing.]
I'm not depressed.
Boy, it is so hard when someone sees something you do not want them to see.
Um Well, thanks.
Ali, let's hit it.
Go.
You want to go.
[Lock clicks.]
[Sighs.]
[Dialing phone.]
[Phone ringing.]
- Hello? - Hi.
- How'd it go? - I no, I couldn't do it.
My God, I had no idea it was gonna be so hard.
I know.
[Laughs.]
Oh, thank you.
I love you too.
Yes, I will see you tomorrow.
Yeah, good night.
[Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros' Mayla.]
[Singers humming.]
Mayla long time may the sunshine Mayla know I'm trying to see it through our future to the new - Hi.
- * horizon * Mayla long time may the sunshine Make yourself comfortable.
hold on we're trying our hands are bleeding through we're building us a new horizon Mayla we're trying our hands are bleeding through our death says that we're due and falling [singers humming.]
Mayla All he wanted to say was you know, announce his retirement.
- So that was it.
- Yeah.
Thought you guys already knew that he was retiring.
Well, yeah, but not, like, when and I mean, you know, he sort of it was like a confirmation.
Seems like something he could have told you over the phone, but Yeah, I don't know.
Maybe he just wanted to get us all together, I don't know.
- You're sure it's not cancer? - No, no, we talked about that.
No cancer, which is great.
[Metallic rattling.]
Hey, I was thinking about, um inviting Tammy and Grace over for a playdate this week.
Would that be okay? Of course it'd be okay.
Why wouldn't it be okay? She's that, um, lesbian that I went to Madison with.
I like lesbians.
[Sniff.]
[Doorbell rings.]
I says, "I didn't join this board to watch you turn it from people who care deeply about palm terrace to a bunch of newbies who never sat on a condo board before, never dealt with special assessments before, never dealt with shit, frankly.
" - Hi, darling.
- Hi, mommy.
I could go to jail.
I could.
If you're gonna sit there, take your shoes off.
I'm gonna cut up cantaloupe.
Well, he'll make a pretty penny off that sale.
You're not gonna get any of it? He's done paying me out.
Dating younger women doesn't come cheap.
Well, he says he's single now.
I wouldn't believe a word your father says.
Nothing, not a word, nada, ninca, nein, nicht.
How much did you guys pay for that house when you bought it? $83,000 in 1972.
Josh and I were looking at old records.
There's so many good ones.
Why'd you let him keep them all? You know I don't care for music.
Is he okay? - What? - Is he okay? Ask him.
Everyone thinks since he started losing words he stopped being able to hear, but he can hear.
Hi, Ed.
Hi.
How you doing? See? Where were you? I don't get why you'd ask me to sleep over if you're just gonna be, like, a billion years late.
'Cause I can't sleep without you next to me now.
Oh, my God, you have your ambiens.
My dad's gonna sell my house.
This house? No, the family house.
They got divorced.
My mom moved out.
My dad got to keep it.
I was 15.
Why'd they get divorced? They said they weren't in love anymore.
Well, I went to target, and I just I took her out, you know what I mean? And I got into, you know, the checkout line, and the girl at the cash register said, "I need to see some I.
D.
With that credit card of yours.
" and, um, well, you know what that's like, right? All: Mm-hmm.
And I just knew.
I said, "This is gonna not be good.
This is gonna get ugly.
" and so she just, um, kept looking at me And then she said, "Oh.
" Like that, you know? [Person chuckles.]
And she rung up the, um batteries, something.
Oh, that was a I mean, that was a big victory.
And I didn't, uh I was like, "Do not cry in front of this woman.
Do not cry in front of this woman.
" Thank you for your share, Maura.
Thanks for being vulnerable with us.
One more thing.
I made a commitment here last week that I was gonna come out to my kids, and I didn't do it.
Because it just wasn't time, you know? But I will, and it will be soon - Yeah.
- I promise you.
I promise you.
- I promise you.
- [Laughter.]
They are so selfish.
I don't know how it is I raised three people who cannot see beyond themselves.
[Soft piano music.]
Do you remember, um, my parents' house? Do I remember? Don't you remember, you took me up there for the, like, world's most awkward Thanksgiving about a week before they announced their divorce? [Laughs.]
Oh, my God, that's right.
- That was that was - Hellish.
A particularly bad Thanksgiving.
So anyway, my dad's thinking of moving or renovating.
- You know what I would like? - What? Your eye.
Do you want to check it out with me? Yeah, sure.
Isn't that your whole, like, thang, your skill set? Yeah, I'd say that's yeah, that's it's my skill set.
Now? Now.
So tell me what you want.
Uh, I just want to change my body, you know? What do you want to do to it? You know, I just want those, like, those, like, nice sculpted arms, and then, like, a nice little waist, and then the big ass, like, the little waist, big ass.
You know? Just to feel sort of rooted, you know? - Like a tree trunk - Hmm.
Not like I'm just gonna sort of fall over.
Well, let's start with this.
What do you eat? Uh, food mostly, but then sometimes I eat too much of the food, and then I sort of hate that.
And then I get into this deprivation thing, - and that's just - Deprivation.
No, I like to think of it more as discipline.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I could use some discipline.
Motherfucker.
This is this is spectacular.
- Right? - Yeah.
We just have to go around the back to get in.
He leaves the slider open.
- Since 1976.
- What, 63? [Laughter.]
Oh.
Yeah.
My dad's bedroom.
The bones on this baby.
Nobody's, uh nobody's touched it, huh? [Laughs.]
Clearly.
You think it's it's worth so much that we should just sell it now? I mean, I wouldn't I wouldn't give this thing up unless unless somebody needs the money.
How's old Mort sitting for dough? Actually, he's talking about giving the house to me and Len.
And Len wants it? Oh, God, he'd jump all over it.
He's always complaining about the East Side.
Calls it the ghetto.
- The "Guh-hett-o.
" - [Laughs.]
I don't know if I'm ready to give up my Saturday mornings.
Farmers' market and the pupusa lady.
Oh.
It's the pupusa lady you're gonna miss, huh? Yeah.
I I really like her pupusas.
What'd you say? - [Laughs.]
What? - I love her pupusas.
- Okay.
- What? You just you know, when you say that you just make it kind of sound kind of dirty.
[Both panting.]
What? What? What? What? What? I love you.
You're such a loser.
Do not say that.
Actually, I have a song I want you guys to cover.
That's what you're thinking about right now? Uh-huh.
operator oh, could you help me place this call? see the number on the matchbook is old and faded [panting.]
but isn't that the way they say it goes well, let's forget all that [grunts.]
That's all I got.
That's all you got.
Yeah, that's all I got.
so I can call just to tell 'em I'm fine and to show Are you sure that's all you got for me? Yeah, that's all I got.
Move that big ass.
[Gasps.]
that's not the way it feels Ten more.
Ten, nine operator well, could you help me place this call? [Moans.]
'cause I can't read the number Eight that you just gave me Seven, six there's something in my eyes you know it happens every time I think about the love that I thought would save me - Mm.
- [Both panting.]
isn't that the way Five they say it goes Four well, let's forget all that and give me the number if you can find it so I can call Three just to tell 'em I'm fine and to show I've overcome the blow two I've learned to take it well I only wish my words could just convince myself that it just wasn't real One.
Dad? Hi, girls.
Jim Croce: * but that's not the way it feels * operator, well, could you help me place this call? 'cause I can't read the number that you just gave me there's something in my eyes you know it happens every time I think about the love that I thought would save me