Travel Man (2015) s01e01 Episode Script
48 Hours in Barcelona
1 Hello.
I'm Richard Ayoade, the internationally regarded face of Gadget Man.
But for the next half-hour of mould-shattering television, this face is going to pack its oversize bag and fly to foreign shores.
Watch as I radically alter my persona.
I'm briefly quelling my fear of leaving home in order to explore warmer climes.
'My stated goal is to show you the component parts 'of a triumphant weekend away' Oh, dear.
'.
.
with the minimum of minutage, coin and faff.
Bang! 'This time we have 48 hours to extract a full flagon of holiday joy 'from the Catalan wonder of Barcelona.
'I'm travelling with the frankly magnificent Kathy Burke.
' We're basically guinea pigs.
'With whom I will discuss modern art ' Know what I see in that? Zippy from Rainbow.
'.
.
astonishing sporting triumphs' I am very impressed.
Yeah, this is dynamite(!) '.
.
and the intriguing culinary trends' Another success.
There you go.
'.
.
of this wondrous wedge of Spain as we take you' Oh, hello! '.
.
unbidden through a generally acceptable weekend away.
' We're here, but should we have come? If personal space isn't your jam, then feel free to trundle to Barcelona by bus.
While those who want to make those R'n'B dreams a reality could charter themselves a private jet.
Chastened by the commercial failure of my last two rap albums, I've chosen a more affordable public aircraft, while Kathy travels by train into Barcelona Sants Station.
Oh, yeah.
Hola.
Finally rocking up.
I've been waiting here for about two minutes.
I'm livid.
I almost punched my way through this girder.
Well, thank you for joining me.
Pleasure.
Thank you for asking.
The train, I imagine, was a delight.
It was, actually.
I still can't hear anything.
From the plane.
So, I know this is your show Well, nominally.
.
.
but I'm gonna ask you a question.
Why have you brought me to Barcelona? I'm gonna flippin' run it down now.
7.
5 million tourists fling themselves here every year, and while I instinctively reject majority verdicts, this level of popularity must be taken into account.
As well as being in Spain we're also in the capital of the Catalonia region, which has its own language and flag.
If you plan your trip frugally you can get here, sleep, munch and quaff for just £69 each for a whole weekend.
Catalonia is where they invented Chupa Chups.
And the last in this amazing series of compelling reasons is that they don't have a tooth fairy here.
They have a tooth mouse.
A tooth mouse? Tooth mouse.
'We arrive at our carefully chosen digs.
' This is it.
Oh, crumbs.
Yeah.
All right.
'El Palauet contains just six two-bedroom suites 'and is located in one of Barcelona's 'most exclusive boulevards.
' But we're sharing this, yeah? Yes.
Oh.
OK.
Little bit worried about that.
Are there locks? Yes, once you close the door it's like your own room.
Great! What do you think I am, the Midnight Rambler? I'm a married man.
I'm just saying You fear assault.
I don't fear assault, I fear a chancer.
A chan? A chancer.
SHE LAUGHS Good grief.
Well, this isn't shabby, is it? No.
Me and Donald Trump will take that one and then you can spread out in there.
Barcelona is only half the size of Birmingham and can easily be navigated by leg.
Or from a classic motorbike and sidecar, like this one.
But because we couldn't decide who would be Wallace and who would be Gromit, we choose an alternative mode of transport.
We're gonna get one of these.
Oh.
Trixi cab.
Yes, take us to the points of interest.
Oh, wow.
'Trixi Pedicab tours can be arranged throughout Barcelona.
'Ours begins ten minutes from the hotel at Trixi's city centre base.
' Oh, hello! Bear in mind safety, don't go crazy.
Sight one is the literally towering Christopher Columbus Monument.
The Italian explorer is said to have returned to this very point on Barcelona's coast after his successful voyage to America.
And is it true that he's pointing in the wrong direction? That's right.
He should be pointing to the west.
Yes, to America.
Maybe they should just have him go 'But as we attempt to appreciate the Gothic 'architecture of the 14th century Santa Maria Church' That's amazing.
'.
.
our tour is vindictively ruined 'by one of Barcelona's rare rainy spells.
'The thought of getting wet is so appalling that we agree 'to take shelter in a museum, of all places.
'And it happens to be the most popular one in all of Barcelona.
' Are you excited by the prospect of a football museum? Well, I wasn't, but I am now we're here.
I feel it's my duty to pour scorn on this in a glib way.
Gracias.
'With no emotional connection to football whatsoever, Kathy and I 'are uniquely placed to dispassionately survey 'this cathedral to the art of ball kicking.
' Well here we are in the Trophy Room.
Yeah.
The website advertises this as a "tour of emotion.
" I am getting a bit stirred up.
Boredom is an emotion, isn't it? Boredom is an emotion, yeah.
Yeah.
I can't 'elp but be impressed.
It's arbitrary, though.
They've been going for ever.
Now, these are nice and fancy.
The Catalan Cup.
Thank God those are here(!) I could be here for minutes.
Can we pick up the pace a bit? Cos these seem quite similar to the other ones.
'Barcelona FC's greatest kicker of balls is genuinely called 'Mr Messi, and has a whole area dedicated just to him 'and how good he's supposedly meant to be.
'But of more interest to Kathy 'is the museum's greenscreen photo studio.
' Just stand under the light here and imagine Messi's next to you here.
And you've got your arm around his waist.
OK? All right, big smile! That's great.
And do you want to have photos as well? I don't care for this team.
Why not? I just don't care about football.
Just stand next to Messi.
OK.
Just pretend to know him, for the picture.
Pretend he's your friend.
OK.
I just need you to put this arm up.
Why would? I wouldn't touch Messi.
I don't know him.
It's inappropriate.
Do it.
Click it.
You really want to take this picture like that? I don't want to take the picture at all, but given that the picture's being taken It's brilliant.
'Distressed by their lack of empathy' Give my regards to Messi.
I will.
'.
.
I make one last search for sincerity by ascending 'to the apogee of the sporting basilica - the terrace.
' You can't not be impressed.
At the volume of seats? There are a lot of seats here.
Enough for nearly 100,000 people.
99 and a half.
That would frustrate me.
Surely they could have fit another 500 in and make it even.
Yeah.
It's sort of amazing, though, no? I feel bad.
I'm sure there are many people who would love to be here.
But, in a way, life is more enjoyable if you only enjoy very few things.
Because the things I enjoy I have access to.
Yeah.
Marbles, books, and French New Wave films.
Oh, right.
It's gonna break my heart to leave but can we? Absolutely.
Yeah, let's doanything else.
Adios! Yeah.
I liked it, you know.
No.
'As much as I want to share Kathy's excitement, 'I felt absolutely dead inside.
'And, even more crucially, 'have developed a thirst specifically for sparkling wine.
'You know, Catalonia is famous for its Cava - 'the Spanish equivalent of champagne - so we head to 'one of the world's most boss wine shops to learn about it.
' Thanks for having us.
Which fizzy wine are we starting with? 'First we discover that Cava is made using the same technique 'as champagne, but with different grapes.
' Xarel-lo, macabeu y parellada.
These are the three grapes, the classical, coupage, from the Cava.
They sound like great grapes, yes.
Oh, there we go.
'We have five bottles to try, each with a supposedly unique character.
' OK, I don't know what you did there but I'll try and make that same face.
This is good.
Tiny bit sharp.
'Each bottle is from Catalonia, 'where the majority of Cava is produced.
'And we're told they all look different.
' I'm not very good at this.
This is a relatively similar colour to the other ones.
It's different from the other.
It is more similar than different, I'd say, though.
'Adding new grapes like Chardonnay 'is said to radically alter the flavour.
' This is like a giving a very fine thing to an idiot, is what you're currently doing.
I've no palate, I literally It seems fine.
Mm.
No, I could taste it's more creamy.
You're getting cream? Not actual cream.
Like Custard Cream? No! Oh! 'Five glasses in, 'we approach the nuances of Cava-tasting technique.
' Me, I was more than one year to know how to do this.
You did this every morning for a year? Yes.
THEY LAUGH Did you get a lot done that year? Is that what's referred to as your "lost year"? Bit like John Lennon in New York.
'And then, in a ringing endorsement of the Cava-tasting process, 'Kathy erupts with joy.
' SHE LAUGHS Kathy's having a small aneurism here.
All I know is, say I had a sip of this, and then an hour later someone switched glasses in this episode of Columbo that I'm in - I wouldn't go "What's happened? "This is a completely different drink.
" I mean, as I say, I have no palate.
'With our bodies in disarray, 'we draw this heady experience to its conclusion.
' Thank you very much for putting up with us.
You're welcome.
Thank you very much.
I wouldn't wish me on anyone.
So I apologise.
'With head spinning, we stumble back to our quarters 'in order to cop some Zs.
'Next morn, our relentless 48 hours continues with art' We can probably get this done in 70 seconds if we focus.
'.
.
theatrical food' Look at that.
'.
.
and vertigo' I can't even look down there, mate! '.
.
as we pretend to guide you through a Catalonian minibreak.
' Actress Kathy Burke and me, the Alan Whicker it's OK to hate, Richard Ayoade, are thrashing through a relentless weekend in Barcelona.
Day one was a whirlwind of ludicrous sports and beverage consumption.
You're getting cream? Not actual cream.
'Day one is now followed by what we are already calling day two.
'Barcelona is famous for its frankly well good galleries 'and I urgently wish to start the day by showing Kathy the work 'of everyone's favourite 20th-century Catalan surrealist, 'Joan Miro.
' Thank you.
Not at all.
'The Miro foundation displays some of his most famous work 'and has an audio guide to escort you through the mire of forming 'art-based opinions.
' I wish I had one of these in my normal life.
Just going down the street.
"You should be moved by this small child.
"It has so much hope.
"Stop thinking about your mortgage.
" What do you want to know? What is it? 'What you see here is a scale model' It's a scale model of a monument he designed for the city of Paris.
Oh, OK.
And what is it? 'He chose a truly poetic' He chose a truly poetic title for the piece.
Which is? Lovers Playing With Almond Blossom.
'Take a few seconds to think about who these two lovers could be.
' Zippy from Rainbow.
After, you know, one of his eyes has been gouged out.
Yes, by George.
'With Kathy unmoved, and with limited stocks of patience, 'I press on.
'Surely a quick eye-blast of Miro's paintings will floor the woman.
' We can probably get this done in 70 seconds if we focus.
Look at this.
He painted this one on copper in 1935.
Just one year before the outbreak of the Spanish Civil War, as we know.
He had just moved out of Barcelona, actually, where political tension was on the rise.
Oh, wow.
You can see that in the work.
This isn't my sort of thing, I have to say.
I'm a bit more straight, a bit more figurative.
Right.
OK.
Portraiture.
I like that sort of stuff, really.
'And so, as Kathy berates Miro 'in favour of that sell-out hack, Pablo Picasso' That's BLEEP for me.
'.
.
the time of lunch falls upon us' Barcelona is renowned for its first-rate cuisine so I have ignored Kathy's aversion to adventurous comestibles and used her credit card to secure us some lunch at a fancy eatery called Uma.
I'm not going to wait for you to thank me so I'm just going to tell you why this is so good.
Thank you.
This is a clandestine restaurant.
Which means? Which means it's not always open.
You have to follow it on Facebook.
It's run by Iker Erauzkin, who developed the food for some of Barcelona's 20 Michelin-starred restaurants and uses this place as a testing ground for new ideas.
So we're basically guinea pigs? Yes, we are testers.
OK.
We are not here for brave potatoes.
We are here for a surprisingly affordable six-course banquet of Iker's latest creations.
'This meal, which is designed to toy with our senses, 'starts with a winter landscape of truffles and dehydrated vegetables.
' I don't want to be a heathen, but .
.
I feel slightly alarmed there's not a plate.
It's quite rich.
It is quite fancy.
'Next, a liquefied olive in a semisolid membrane.
' I'm not going to lie - I don't know how to eat this.
Take the glass like this.
OK.
And you just Yes.
Like a shot.
Yeah.
A shot glass of olives.
OK.
You go first, though.
Wow.
That was wholly unexpected.
I'm scared.
It is fine.
This is why I can't do the jungle - gnat's bollocks and all that.
No? There you go.
How's that? I don't know whether that is going to hit the top five restaurants in Barcelona, or maybe it is.
It's a bit like eating an eye.
Yes.
It pops.
Yes.
There we go.
Let's bring on the Next course.
'Course three, two mini baked potatoes coated with edible clay 'and served with marine plankton, tests Kathy yet further.
' How's that? Another success? There we go.
We need the spittoon.
Spittoon.
'An edible yucca plant in the guise of coal has more success.
' Oh, raw.
Good.
'And the watermelon that looks like tuna is a mid-meal revelation.
' He gets his kicks giving someone, like, a Wispa but he has actually taken a Lion Bar and put it in a Wispa packet.
"Wait until they taste the peanuts.
They won't know what's happened.
" 'After a white chocolate and almond-based pudding 'that's disguised as a large sausage' That is good.
'.
.
Iker reveals his culinary climax.
Bubbly custard.
' Look at that.
It's amazing.
It's like when you blow through the straw but you don't have to do that.
Mm.
I feel this is the kind of meal other people would bore you about.
Take photos of it, those sort of people.
Oh! Good night.
'This extraordinarily theatrical 'and often emotional meal' There you go.
'.
.
has been a savagely varied experience.
' You know the drill.
We've eaten.
Now we bolt.
'And so, with hoodwinked stomachs, 'we must conclude our mini break at a suitably Spanish location.
'We could choose the street hub of La Rambla, 'where caricature artists translate your visage 'into an extraordinarily vivid pencil drawing.
' Yeah, wow.
Thank you.
That's really That's something.
'Or La Sagrada Familia, the most famous yet still unfinished 'work of Barcelona's architectural prodigy, Gaudi.
'But as we need thinking space to form our holiday verdicts, 'we're heading to one of the golden beaches 'with which Barcelona is bestrewn.
'But how should we make that journey, 'given our lack of proximity thereto? 'Our dilemma is profound and pressing.
' The quickest way is along there.
Now, normally, I would just, you know, take my belt off and zip-line it.
But you can get a cable car.
Yes.
I'm a bit worried about this.
I'm very scared of heights.
Yes.
I don't think I'm gonna do it with you, Rich.
I'm just a bit nervous about it, Richard.
Yes, I understand.
You can't force me, Richard.
I wouldn't wish to.
I don't want to get into that tiny little But you have to, because it's called Travel Man, isn't it? I have to.
Otherwise, my persona as a man who loves travel in all its aspects will be shattered.
So you get on the cable car and I will get in the back of the van.
Yes.
I'll see you on the other side, Richard.
I WILL see you on the other side.
You may see me on the other side.
I will.
It doesn't look thick enough.
I can't even look down there, mate.
Right.
See you.
This precarious potential coffin, just ten minutes from the Miro Museum, will carry me to the Barceloneta neighbourhood, home to the city's most popular beach.
'And so our trip ends as it began, with me, a near saint, selflessly 'waiting for Kathy to arrive by an inefficient 'mode of transportation.
' Hola.
Hello.
Enjoy your trip, did you? I did.
Much better to be in the back of the van Yes.
.
.
then up on the cable.
I probably should have realised you were coming when they started filming.
So, how do you feel about being on a beach in winter? This is perfect for me.
Winter beach.
Yes.
I mean, I wouldn't ordinarily sit down.
I'm just doing this because it looks so aesthetically pleasing.
'While a frugal weekend here can be had for ?69, my quest to 'show Kathy the Catalan highlife means we've blown 850 quid apiece.
'But we enjoyed presidential luxury while we slept' What do you think I am, the Midnight Rambler? '.
.
ate a six-course meal of highfalutin cuisine' Overallgood.
'.
.
and drank so much Cava that Kathy lost her sense of self' Kathy is having a small aneurysm here.
'.
.
Barcelona is an almost bottomless quarry of artistic and architectural 'ephemera but it is also a place where cultural enrichment 'comes at a cost.
' Would you come back to Barcelona? Absolutely.
I really would, actually.
And now I know, as well, that it's a few hours sitting in a train, I might be back sooner than you think.
What, like, tomorrow? Next time, I'm joined by comedian Adam Hills in Istanbul.
Clench.
Just clench.
I think we can now stare meaningfully into the sea.
OK.
Red Bee Media Ltd
I'm Richard Ayoade, the internationally regarded face of Gadget Man.
But for the next half-hour of mould-shattering television, this face is going to pack its oversize bag and fly to foreign shores.
Watch as I radically alter my persona.
I'm briefly quelling my fear of leaving home in order to explore warmer climes.
'My stated goal is to show you the component parts 'of a triumphant weekend away' Oh, dear.
'.
.
with the minimum of minutage, coin and faff.
Bang! 'This time we have 48 hours to extract a full flagon of holiday joy 'from the Catalan wonder of Barcelona.
'I'm travelling with the frankly magnificent Kathy Burke.
' We're basically guinea pigs.
'With whom I will discuss modern art ' Know what I see in that? Zippy from Rainbow.
'.
.
astonishing sporting triumphs' I am very impressed.
Yeah, this is dynamite(!) '.
.
and the intriguing culinary trends' Another success.
There you go.
'.
.
of this wondrous wedge of Spain as we take you' Oh, hello! '.
.
unbidden through a generally acceptable weekend away.
' We're here, but should we have come? If personal space isn't your jam, then feel free to trundle to Barcelona by bus.
While those who want to make those R'n'B dreams a reality could charter themselves a private jet.
Chastened by the commercial failure of my last two rap albums, I've chosen a more affordable public aircraft, while Kathy travels by train into Barcelona Sants Station.
Oh, yeah.
Hola.
Finally rocking up.
I've been waiting here for about two minutes.
I'm livid.
I almost punched my way through this girder.
Well, thank you for joining me.
Pleasure.
Thank you for asking.
The train, I imagine, was a delight.
It was, actually.
I still can't hear anything.
From the plane.
So, I know this is your show Well, nominally.
.
.
but I'm gonna ask you a question.
Why have you brought me to Barcelona? I'm gonna flippin' run it down now.
7.
5 million tourists fling themselves here every year, and while I instinctively reject majority verdicts, this level of popularity must be taken into account.
As well as being in Spain we're also in the capital of the Catalonia region, which has its own language and flag.
If you plan your trip frugally you can get here, sleep, munch and quaff for just £69 each for a whole weekend.
Catalonia is where they invented Chupa Chups.
And the last in this amazing series of compelling reasons is that they don't have a tooth fairy here.
They have a tooth mouse.
A tooth mouse? Tooth mouse.
'We arrive at our carefully chosen digs.
' This is it.
Oh, crumbs.
Yeah.
All right.
'El Palauet contains just six two-bedroom suites 'and is located in one of Barcelona's 'most exclusive boulevards.
' But we're sharing this, yeah? Yes.
Oh.
OK.
Little bit worried about that.
Are there locks? Yes, once you close the door it's like your own room.
Great! What do you think I am, the Midnight Rambler? I'm a married man.
I'm just saying You fear assault.
I don't fear assault, I fear a chancer.
A chan? A chancer.
SHE LAUGHS Good grief.
Well, this isn't shabby, is it? No.
Me and Donald Trump will take that one and then you can spread out in there.
Barcelona is only half the size of Birmingham and can easily be navigated by leg.
Or from a classic motorbike and sidecar, like this one.
But because we couldn't decide who would be Wallace and who would be Gromit, we choose an alternative mode of transport.
We're gonna get one of these.
Oh.
Trixi cab.
Yes, take us to the points of interest.
Oh, wow.
'Trixi Pedicab tours can be arranged throughout Barcelona.
'Ours begins ten minutes from the hotel at Trixi's city centre base.
' Oh, hello! Bear in mind safety, don't go crazy.
Sight one is the literally towering Christopher Columbus Monument.
The Italian explorer is said to have returned to this very point on Barcelona's coast after his successful voyage to America.
And is it true that he's pointing in the wrong direction? That's right.
He should be pointing to the west.
Yes, to America.
Maybe they should just have him go 'But as we attempt to appreciate the Gothic 'architecture of the 14th century Santa Maria Church' That's amazing.
'.
.
our tour is vindictively ruined 'by one of Barcelona's rare rainy spells.
'The thought of getting wet is so appalling that we agree 'to take shelter in a museum, of all places.
'And it happens to be the most popular one in all of Barcelona.
' Are you excited by the prospect of a football museum? Well, I wasn't, but I am now we're here.
I feel it's my duty to pour scorn on this in a glib way.
Gracias.
'With no emotional connection to football whatsoever, Kathy and I 'are uniquely placed to dispassionately survey 'this cathedral to the art of ball kicking.
' Well here we are in the Trophy Room.
Yeah.
The website advertises this as a "tour of emotion.
" I am getting a bit stirred up.
Boredom is an emotion, isn't it? Boredom is an emotion, yeah.
Yeah.
I can't 'elp but be impressed.
It's arbitrary, though.
They've been going for ever.
Now, these are nice and fancy.
The Catalan Cup.
Thank God those are here(!) I could be here for minutes.
Can we pick up the pace a bit? Cos these seem quite similar to the other ones.
'Barcelona FC's greatest kicker of balls is genuinely called 'Mr Messi, and has a whole area dedicated just to him 'and how good he's supposedly meant to be.
'But of more interest to Kathy 'is the museum's greenscreen photo studio.
' Just stand under the light here and imagine Messi's next to you here.
And you've got your arm around his waist.
OK? All right, big smile! That's great.
And do you want to have photos as well? I don't care for this team.
Why not? I just don't care about football.
Just stand next to Messi.
OK.
Just pretend to know him, for the picture.
Pretend he's your friend.
OK.
I just need you to put this arm up.
Why would? I wouldn't touch Messi.
I don't know him.
It's inappropriate.
Do it.
Click it.
You really want to take this picture like that? I don't want to take the picture at all, but given that the picture's being taken It's brilliant.
'Distressed by their lack of empathy' Give my regards to Messi.
I will.
'.
.
I make one last search for sincerity by ascending 'to the apogee of the sporting basilica - the terrace.
' You can't not be impressed.
At the volume of seats? There are a lot of seats here.
Enough for nearly 100,000 people.
99 and a half.
That would frustrate me.
Surely they could have fit another 500 in and make it even.
Yeah.
It's sort of amazing, though, no? I feel bad.
I'm sure there are many people who would love to be here.
But, in a way, life is more enjoyable if you only enjoy very few things.
Because the things I enjoy I have access to.
Yeah.
Marbles, books, and French New Wave films.
Oh, right.
It's gonna break my heart to leave but can we? Absolutely.
Yeah, let's doanything else.
Adios! Yeah.
I liked it, you know.
No.
'As much as I want to share Kathy's excitement, 'I felt absolutely dead inside.
'And, even more crucially, 'have developed a thirst specifically for sparkling wine.
'You know, Catalonia is famous for its Cava - 'the Spanish equivalent of champagne - so we head to 'one of the world's most boss wine shops to learn about it.
' Thanks for having us.
Which fizzy wine are we starting with? 'First we discover that Cava is made using the same technique 'as champagne, but with different grapes.
' Xarel-lo, macabeu y parellada.
These are the three grapes, the classical, coupage, from the Cava.
They sound like great grapes, yes.
Oh, there we go.
'We have five bottles to try, each with a supposedly unique character.
' OK, I don't know what you did there but I'll try and make that same face.
This is good.
Tiny bit sharp.
'Each bottle is from Catalonia, 'where the majority of Cava is produced.
'And we're told they all look different.
' I'm not very good at this.
This is a relatively similar colour to the other ones.
It's different from the other.
It is more similar than different, I'd say, though.
'Adding new grapes like Chardonnay 'is said to radically alter the flavour.
' This is like a giving a very fine thing to an idiot, is what you're currently doing.
I've no palate, I literally It seems fine.
Mm.
No, I could taste it's more creamy.
You're getting cream? Not actual cream.
Like Custard Cream? No! Oh! 'Five glasses in, 'we approach the nuances of Cava-tasting technique.
' Me, I was more than one year to know how to do this.
You did this every morning for a year? Yes.
THEY LAUGH Did you get a lot done that year? Is that what's referred to as your "lost year"? Bit like John Lennon in New York.
'And then, in a ringing endorsement of the Cava-tasting process, 'Kathy erupts with joy.
' SHE LAUGHS Kathy's having a small aneurism here.
All I know is, say I had a sip of this, and then an hour later someone switched glasses in this episode of Columbo that I'm in - I wouldn't go "What's happened? "This is a completely different drink.
" I mean, as I say, I have no palate.
'With our bodies in disarray, 'we draw this heady experience to its conclusion.
' Thank you very much for putting up with us.
You're welcome.
Thank you very much.
I wouldn't wish me on anyone.
So I apologise.
'With head spinning, we stumble back to our quarters 'in order to cop some Zs.
'Next morn, our relentless 48 hours continues with art' We can probably get this done in 70 seconds if we focus.
'.
.
theatrical food' Look at that.
'.
.
and vertigo' I can't even look down there, mate! '.
.
as we pretend to guide you through a Catalonian minibreak.
' Actress Kathy Burke and me, the Alan Whicker it's OK to hate, Richard Ayoade, are thrashing through a relentless weekend in Barcelona.
Day one was a whirlwind of ludicrous sports and beverage consumption.
You're getting cream? Not actual cream.
'Day one is now followed by what we are already calling day two.
'Barcelona is famous for its frankly well good galleries 'and I urgently wish to start the day by showing Kathy the work 'of everyone's favourite 20th-century Catalan surrealist, 'Joan Miro.
' Thank you.
Not at all.
'The Miro foundation displays some of his most famous work 'and has an audio guide to escort you through the mire of forming 'art-based opinions.
' I wish I had one of these in my normal life.
Just going down the street.
"You should be moved by this small child.
"It has so much hope.
"Stop thinking about your mortgage.
" What do you want to know? What is it? 'What you see here is a scale model' It's a scale model of a monument he designed for the city of Paris.
Oh, OK.
And what is it? 'He chose a truly poetic' He chose a truly poetic title for the piece.
Which is? Lovers Playing With Almond Blossom.
'Take a few seconds to think about who these two lovers could be.
' Zippy from Rainbow.
After, you know, one of his eyes has been gouged out.
Yes, by George.
'With Kathy unmoved, and with limited stocks of patience, 'I press on.
'Surely a quick eye-blast of Miro's paintings will floor the woman.
' We can probably get this done in 70 seconds if we focus.
Look at this.
He painted this one on copper in 1935.
Just one year before the outbreak of the Spanish Civil War, as we know.
He had just moved out of Barcelona, actually, where political tension was on the rise.
Oh, wow.
You can see that in the work.
This isn't my sort of thing, I have to say.
I'm a bit more straight, a bit more figurative.
Right.
OK.
Portraiture.
I like that sort of stuff, really.
'And so, as Kathy berates Miro 'in favour of that sell-out hack, Pablo Picasso' That's BLEEP for me.
'.
.
the time of lunch falls upon us' Barcelona is renowned for its first-rate cuisine so I have ignored Kathy's aversion to adventurous comestibles and used her credit card to secure us some lunch at a fancy eatery called Uma.
I'm not going to wait for you to thank me so I'm just going to tell you why this is so good.
Thank you.
This is a clandestine restaurant.
Which means? Which means it's not always open.
You have to follow it on Facebook.
It's run by Iker Erauzkin, who developed the food for some of Barcelona's 20 Michelin-starred restaurants and uses this place as a testing ground for new ideas.
So we're basically guinea pigs? Yes, we are testers.
OK.
We are not here for brave potatoes.
We are here for a surprisingly affordable six-course banquet of Iker's latest creations.
'This meal, which is designed to toy with our senses, 'starts with a winter landscape of truffles and dehydrated vegetables.
' I don't want to be a heathen, but .
.
I feel slightly alarmed there's not a plate.
It's quite rich.
It is quite fancy.
'Next, a liquefied olive in a semisolid membrane.
' I'm not going to lie - I don't know how to eat this.
Take the glass like this.
OK.
And you just Yes.
Like a shot.
Yeah.
A shot glass of olives.
OK.
You go first, though.
Wow.
That was wholly unexpected.
I'm scared.
It is fine.
This is why I can't do the jungle - gnat's bollocks and all that.
No? There you go.
How's that? I don't know whether that is going to hit the top five restaurants in Barcelona, or maybe it is.
It's a bit like eating an eye.
Yes.
It pops.
Yes.
There we go.
Let's bring on the Next course.
'Course three, two mini baked potatoes coated with edible clay 'and served with marine plankton, tests Kathy yet further.
' How's that? Another success? There we go.
We need the spittoon.
Spittoon.
'An edible yucca plant in the guise of coal has more success.
' Oh, raw.
Good.
'And the watermelon that looks like tuna is a mid-meal revelation.
' He gets his kicks giving someone, like, a Wispa but he has actually taken a Lion Bar and put it in a Wispa packet.
"Wait until they taste the peanuts.
They won't know what's happened.
" 'After a white chocolate and almond-based pudding 'that's disguised as a large sausage' That is good.
'.
.
Iker reveals his culinary climax.
Bubbly custard.
' Look at that.
It's amazing.
It's like when you blow through the straw but you don't have to do that.
Mm.
I feel this is the kind of meal other people would bore you about.
Take photos of it, those sort of people.
Oh! Good night.
'This extraordinarily theatrical 'and often emotional meal' There you go.
'.
.
has been a savagely varied experience.
' You know the drill.
We've eaten.
Now we bolt.
'And so, with hoodwinked stomachs, 'we must conclude our mini break at a suitably Spanish location.
'We could choose the street hub of La Rambla, 'where caricature artists translate your visage 'into an extraordinarily vivid pencil drawing.
' Yeah, wow.
Thank you.
That's really That's something.
'Or La Sagrada Familia, the most famous yet still unfinished 'work of Barcelona's architectural prodigy, Gaudi.
'But as we need thinking space to form our holiday verdicts, 'we're heading to one of the golden beaches 'with which Barcelona is bestrewn.
'But how should we make that journey, 'given our lack of proximity thereto? 'Our dilemma is profound and pressing.
' The quickest way is along there.
Now, normally, I would just, you know, take my belt off and zip-line it.
But you can get a cable car.
Yes.
I'm a bit worried about this.
I'm very scared of heights.
Yes.
I don't think I'm gonna do it with you, Rich.
I'm just a bit nervous about it, Richard.
Yes, I understand.
You can't force me, Richard.
I wouldn't wish to.
I don't want to get into that tiny little But you have to, because it's called Travel Man, isn't it? I have to.
Otherwise, my persona as a man who loves travel in all its aspects will be shattered.
So you get on the cable car and I will get in the back of the van.
Yes.
I'll see you on the other side, Richard.
I WILL see you on the other side.
You may see me on the other side.
I will.
It doesn't look thick enough.
I can't even look down there, mate.
Right.
See you.
This precarious potential coffin, just ten minutes from the Miro Museum, will carry me to the Barceloneta neighbourhood, home to the city's most popular beach.
'And so our trip ends as it began, with me, a near saint, selflessly 'waiting for Kathy to arrive by an inefficient 'mode of transportation.
' Hola.
Hello.
Enjoy your trip, did you? I did.
Much better to be in the back of the van Yes.
.
.
then up on the cable.
I probably should have realised you were coming when they started filming.
So, how do you feel about being on a beach in winter? This is perfect for me.
Winter beach.
Yes.
I mean, I wouldn't ordinarily sit down.
I'm just doing this because it looks so aesthetically pleasing.
'While a frugal weekend here can be had for ?69, my quest to 'show Kathy the Catalan highlife means we've blown 850 quid apiece.
'But we enjoyed presidential luxury while we slept' What do you think I am, the Midnight Rambler? '.
.
ate a six-course meal of highfalutin cuisine' Overallgood.
'.
.
and drank so much Cava that Kathy lost her sense of self' Kathy is having a small aneurysm here.
'.
.
Barcelona is an almost bottomless quarry of artistic and architectural 'ephemera but it is also a place where cultural enrichment 'comes at a cost.
' Would you come back to Barcelona? Absolutely.
I really would, actually.
And now I know, as well, that it's a few hours sitting in a train, I might be back sooner than you think.
What, like, tomorrow? Next time, I'm joined by comedian Adam Hills in Istanbul.
Clench.
Just clench.
I think we can now stare meaningfully into the sea.
OK.
Red Bee Media Ltd