Trust Us with Your Life (2012) s01e01 Episode Script

1 Ladies and gentlemen, you're watching Which tonight features a man who's a comedy force of nature Wayne Brady A man who's a comedy call of nature Jonathan Mangum He's going back to nature Greg Proops And he's "Callin'" by name, "Mockery" by nature Colin Mochrie.
Now here's your host Fred Willard! Hi.
Welcome to the show.
Tonight we'll be looking at highlights from the incredible life of our special guest, and at various points, I'll ask our four improvisers to act out what they've just heard.
They, of course, have no idea what the guest is gonna tell us, so they will have to concentrate on every word.
So let's meet the woman who is trusting us with her life tonight.
She's a fashion designer, charity fund-raiser, and olympic gold medalist, but it probably best known as one of the greatest tennis players of all time.
Please welcome the legendary Serena Williams! Welcome to the show.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you! Wow! Serena, it's great to have you here.
Let's get started and talk about your early life.
You come from a very big family, and there were five girls in your house growing up.
- Mm.
What roles did each sister take? Well, there was five of us.
- I was the youngest.
I was the princess.
- Oh.
You know, I always got my way, was a little spoiled.
I like to believe I changed.
Um And then my older sister, she was a forgiver.
- She was so sweet.
- That was the older sister.
That was the oldest.
Her name was tunde.
And then my sister isha was the caretaker.
Venus was the protector 'cause she's all - even to this day, she's still always protecting me.
- Mm-hmm.
We always had fun and we always played a lot.
Let's take a look at your early days now with all four of our performers, starting with Wayne and Jonathan, so come on down.
So, Wayne, you're playing Serena, the princess Looks just like me.
Uh, and, Jonathan, you are the protector sister.
You're the protective one.
You're making breakfast in the kitchen when there's an accident.
Colin enters as the caretaker sister, who is furious.
And finally, Greg joins as the forgiving sister.
Now as Serena is a big fan of rap music, I understand, I may ask you to start the scene normally, but when you hear the phrase "Rap it" Rap it! Oh.
They are gonna break into rap.
And when you hear the word - Word! - "Word," You return to the scene as normal.
- This is gonna be fun.
- Oh, this is awesome.
- All right, everyone ready? - Let's see this.
Let's see that now starting with Wayne and Jonathan.
- Okay, sis, you ready for breakfast? - I am hungry.
- Okay.
- I'm a princess.
Here's some eggs.
Here we go.
L-let me taste then first! You're clear! You're clear.
Clear on the eggs.
Mm, not enough salt.
Rap it! - no salt - Salt - I need some flavor, flavor, y'all - Y'all - I need them eggs with some salt - Salt I need some eggs with some - I need some eggs with some - Unh, unh, unh, unh Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah Gotta understand, man I'm not rockin' and I'm not talkin' back over All I wanna do is put these eggs out Basic, put on the salt What you wanna do now? Damn! Now tell me where's my ham? You better get back to me Because there is my toast and jam Word! - That's good enough.
- Okay.
What are we gonna do now? I don't know.
We could go to a restaurant and eat after we just ate breakfast.
- I-I wanna do whatever you wanna do.
- Oh, you do? - I do! - Oh, you do? Hey! Oh! While you were getting excited I'm your sister! - You knocked over the table! - Oh! Why am I always cleaning up after you? Can't you help me just a little bit? No.
Rap it! Who made this here mess? I'm guessing not you, the little princess Why don't you ever clean up? Why don't you pick up your plate or your cup? - I don't clean up because I'm born last - Clean up All you wanna do is you can kiss my ass You gotta clean up! - All I do because you're out of luck - What? 'Cause I'm the princess, y'all, and I don't clean up Word! It's gettin' old.
It's getting very old.
Oh, get off me.
I'm number one, the caregiver.
What's all the fighting going in here? She was - how come we can't have breakfast in peace and quiet? She was yelling at me and trying to make me clean up.
- Yelling at the princess?! - Rap it! Her name is Serena, she couldn't be keener Don't mess with her 'cause she'll get meaner She's a little princess, don't you know? So I need you to go, go, go No, no Yes! Word! Oh, man! Oh, my goodness.
That was awesome.
Does that bring back memories? Um, I remember something just like that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I already heard it.
All right, uh, if I could move on to one particular incident in your early life that amused me, - and that was the piggy bank episode.
- Oh, man.
- Your your teacher gave you a piggy bank? - Yeah.
- Tell us about that.
- Well, we had a Spanish teacher, And so it was the three young ones me, Lyn, and Venus.
And, um, she gave us a piggy bank.
So me I was so spoiled.
I think maybe I still am a little bit.
- But, um, so I ended up breaking mine on accident.
- Oh.
I don't know.
I'm also really clumsy.
And, um, I was so mad - that I broke Venus' piggy bank on purpose.
- Oh! Because I thought that was totally unfair that mine broke.
- It of course.
Yes.
- Right? I still get emotional talking about it.
Does that really must have - So you broke Venus' piggy bank? - Yeah.
I broke hers and then I broke Lyn's, too.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Yeah.
And so we all had broken piggy banks.
And did they know who did it? You know, I never confessed till literally, like, 12 years later.
I think I'd like to see that acted out now.
This will be for all four performers, starting with Wayne.
The scene is Wayne, you are Serena, who accidentally breaks her piggy bank and then smashes those of her sisters.
How many did you break? Two? Three? - I broke two additional piggy banks.
- Two more.
Uh, moments later, Colin and Jonathan, playing two of Serena's sisters, enter, discover their piggy banks have been broken.
Their mother, played by Greg, marches in to sort things out.
I'll suggest some styles for you to use along the way.
Right now, the piggy bank tragedy in the Williams' household.
Take it away.
I got some mon Boom! If I don't have a piggy bank, nobody got a piggy bank! I can't wait to put these pesos in our piggy banks! You know what? I just met the most dreamiest boy, and he loves piggy banks more than anything, so I'm gonna show him mine, and then maybe he'll kiss me.
Crunch.
Crunch.
What? - You - What?! I don't even know what happened.
I don't even know what happened.
I don't know I don't even know what happened.
You're the only one here, Serena.
We must have poltergeists.
You don't even know what is going on in oh, look! The piggy banks exploded on their own.
All right, start this scene over, but this time, you are all doing it as Elvis.
You're all elvises.
All right, piggy, all right, piggy I'm-a get a I Oh! Oh, no, no, no, no Oh, no, no, no I want to take this piggy to the Take a little piggy to the kick boom! If I don't get no, you don't get a piggy You can't have it I can't I can't wait to put these silver dollars in the piggy bank.
Hey, little girly.
What'd you do to these piggy banks? I don't know.
I-I-I think those piggy banks, uh, jumped off and hurt themselves.
That's what I think they did.
What's going on in here? I heard a lot of commotion out in front there.
Oh, no, there's a bunch of broken pigs on the floor.
Yeah.
Let's do it over again acting as characters from "The Jerry Springer Show.
" Jerry! This is my Did you just laugh at me? Did you just Did you just laugh at me?! You can't laugh at me! You can't laugh! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! You don't know me! That's my piggy bank! Boom! That is my pig I don't need y'all! That's my piggy bank! That is my piggy bank! If I don't get a piggy bank, you don't get a piggy bank.
None of y'all get a piggy bank! We heard you broke the piggy banks! - We know you did it! - I didn't break anything.
That was mine! That was mine! Don't do that.
And here's today's message always share, unless you have sisters.
- Oh, man! Amazing! - That was great.
- Wow! - Amazing! Oh, man! Join me after the break for more stories from the fantastic Serena Williams.
Welcome back to "Trust Us With Your Life" with the wonderful Serena Williams.
Now let's talk about your record-breaking tennis career.
Uh, 13 Grand Slam single titles.
You're famed for your power, skill, and determination.
What was your biggest highlight? Um, I always dreamed of, like, winning the U.
S.
open - and winning grand slams - Mm-hmm.
And that's always been my dream.
And, uh, growing up, I thought, we Venus and I, we always practiced every day - for a Grand Slam.
- Oh.
And then I got invited to the Olympics and I held a gold medal.
And I never thought I would have a gold medal.
I thought it was for, like, runners and, you know, swimmers.
- Yeah.
- But then, like, to have that moment, It's definitely the highlight of my career.
That was wonderful.
And let's and I won it in doubles with Venus, and we have two.
So I was y - wow.
You and your sister paired up and won.
We won it we paired up to win, yeah.
So Let's see our performer pay tribute to your tennis feats.
Let's do it as a game called sideways scene.
This is for Colin, Wayne, and Jonathan.
It takes place in the special area behind the set.
They're gonna act out the scene, but the difference is that they'll be doing it lying down on our magic mat.
We'll relay the pictures to the audience on this giant screen.
I may also throw in some different styles for them to act in.
Wayne.
W they're lying down.
Wayne, you will be Serena, warming up against Jonathan, her Russian opponent, before the start of a women's tennis final.
Colin enters as the grumpy umpire.
Everyone ready? Serve! Ja, I will break you.
I serve now.
I'm gonna break you like a piggy bank.
What the Okay.
It's okay.
Here we go.
Uhh! Uhh! Ooh! Wah! Uhh! Aah! Come on! - Ohh! - Yes! That's right.
You are late! I had things to do.
All right, everybody ready for the game? Are you ready? Ohh! Right now.
All right.
Let's remember sportsmanship.
Play.
Careful.
Oh, ho ho ho ho ho! - Ah, sorry.
- Uhh! 15-love.
What are you doing? All right.
Um, continue in a style of "Twilight" the movie.
What kind of judging was that?! What are you saying? Back! Back! Continue in the style of a prison break movie.
I'm going over the wall! I know a way outta here! He has one.
He's gone over the wall.
There's a quicker way.
Look, a tunnel! All right! Awesome! Oh, it was amazing, wasn't it? Awesome! Okay, we'll see you after the break for more stories from my fascinating guest, Serena Williams on "Trust Us With Your Life.
" Welcome back to "Trust Us With Your Life" with our guest, the incredible Serena Williams.
So, Serena, you play tennis a lot.
How do you relax away from tennis? I understand you like dancing.
Yeah, I love to dance.
Yeah, I uh-huh.
Are you a good dancer? Um, I don't know.
I don't I don't know.
I mean I-I would think you you probably are.
- I hope so.
- Yeah? I dance a lot, so I hope I'm a good dancer.
All right.
I bet no one's gonna criticize ya.
- Yeah.
I hope not.
- All right.
Now how did you learn to dance? How how did that come about? Um, you know, watching videos.
Uh-huh.
Uh, that sounds like the kind of thing our improvisers might like to try out.
And What if we get Serena to join them? - Would you like to see her up there on the stage? - Yes! - All right, you don't have to talk.
No one's - Okay.
The scene is Serena, you're playing yourself.
You've come for dance lessons with a top dance instructor, - played by Wayne.
- Okay.
Perfect.
- In a while - Whoo! Jonathan, as the dance instructor's jealous girlfriend, uh, enters.
However, in this scene, Serena won't be talk.
Her voice will be provided by Colin, and Jonathan's will be supplied by Greg.
So let's see how Serena learned some dance moves.
Off we go, Serena, Wayne, and Colin.
All right, before you teach me how to dance.
I have three rules.
First, I'm a princess.
Secondly, if you shout at me, I will cry.
Thirdly, if you keep shouting at me, I will kill you.
That is okay.
I shall, uh, as you say, respect you in the morning after I teach you to dance.
Well, show me how to dance.
Let's see what you got, little man.
Oh.
Okay, let me put on the radio and show you first we shall do the salsa.
Ooh! Yes, I feel it in my blood.
Ah, I feel it.
Let me touch you.
Yes, yes.
- Oh! - Yes! - Oh, I have got the rhythm.
- Perfecto.
Wayne, what are you doing?! I leave you alone for three minutes and you're with this big, tall lady? I will kick your butt! Listen, we're just having dance lessons.
I'm learning how to dance.
Oh, is that what you call it? I thought you were holding my man.
I am going to cut you! Please! Please, do not fight over me without me videotaping it.
This is ridiculous! Look at this man! He's not worth fighting over.
Look at him.
He's a worthless excuse for a man.
You can do so much better.
You are so right.
Let's go get drinks.
All right.
I can tell you all about how to get a nice man.
And one that will respect you, one that will love you.
Okay, we're gonna take a short break now.
Don't go away.
Welcome back to "Trust Us With Your Life" with our guest Serena Williams.
This is the part of the show where I ask our four performers to pay you a musical tribute Okay.
With the help of our musician cat gray, perform - A boy band-style song - Whoo! Yay.
All about the life of Serena Williams.
Take it away.
Ooh, baby Yeah Come on Yeah - See - Yeah, uh-huh Hey, fellas, I don't know if you heard this I know this chick, that she plays tennis She make look at that booty again I'm like, damn I will be number 14th Grand Slam When you see her, don't say "what" Don't say She's hot but you know she can kick your butt Your butt She's very aggressive but she is mellow She likes her balls fuzzy and yellow - Serena - Serena - I'm talkin' about Serena - Serena Oh, tell me, have you see her? - I'm talkin' about Serena - Serena Yo, G.
, hit it.
She hittin' balls, y'all - She hittin' balls, y'all - Balls She hittin' fuzzy green balls - She hititn', she hittin' - Off the wall, y'all - She's a champ, y'all - Champ She got the thing, though She go to win and go to Wimbledon, you know - Ooh - Ooh Come on, fellas.
Yo, break it down, Big C.
Hit it! I'm the sexy one He's the sexy one We could have some fun You could have some fun Oh, help me, serve - Help him serve - Serve I ain't no perv - He ain't no perv - Perv I love you so He loves you so Let's go, go, go Let's go, go, go - Let's make some love - Let's make some love I got a baseball glove Huh? Yeah - Yeah - Yeah Talkin' about Serena Yeah Damn, girl.
He got a baseball glove.
That's the end of the show.
Thanks to all our improvisers.
And they are now going to present us with messages to Serena from a number of random acquaintances from her wonderful life.
Thanks to the very entertaining Serena Williams.
I'm Fred Willard.
See you again soon.
Hi, Serena.
It's your sister.
Just found out about the piggy bank.
Stay right there, cameraman.
Hey! It's me! The ball boy! Hi, I'm Reese Witherspoon.
I'm hoping to play you in the movie.
Hey, Serena.
It's me, your booty.
Look at me.
Hi, Serena.
I've seen every one of your matches.
I need help.
Hi, I'm Tiger Woods.
Have we met yet?