Two Weeks to Live (2020) s01e01 Episode Script

1
Can I have some breakfast,
please?
It's three quid for a cup of
coffee and a bacon sandwich.
And obviously,
if you wanted it heated up
it's another tenner.
Oh. Okay.
That's the orange ones, right?
And it's another tenner
to park your Jeep.
Of course. Uh
There you go.
Excuse me, love?
You do realize he's taking th
Uh, why don't you go
to the bathroom, Mandy?
Use the big mirror, eh?
You can put lipstick
on a pig, Mand.
It's still a pig!
Yeah, yeah, fuck off.
May I use your bathroom?
Of course, you can, darling!
Ten pounds.
Can I help?
Why do you work for a man who
speaks to you like that?
No idea, darling.
But it's probably
the same reason
I married the bastard.
Why do you stay
married to a man
who doesn't love you?
You're weird.
Are you foreign or summat?
You don't sound foreign.
Sort of.
Can I have some of that?
Just have the lot, darling.
It's cheap shit anyway.
And listen.
That fella of mine
just stole from you.
You do know that, don't you?
You can be a right arsehole
sometimes, Carl, you know th
What he fuck?
Oi! Stop!
Is everything okay?
Not really, no!
You forgot your bacon sarnie.
That's okay, Mandy.
I've had enough pig
for one day.
Argh! Ow
Oh, God, that got me
right in the eye!
You know what,
if it's all right with you,
I will have that sandwich.
Just
The pig line came to me
and I just kind of rolled
with it
but I really am
quite starving so
Thanks so much,
that's really nice of you.
See you.
Oh, just warming
the old girl up.
Here we go.
Ooh, oh.
Look,
all I'm saying is, Nick,
you've never been very good
with women, have you?
What's that got to do
with anything?
Well, you've just
been dumped, kid.
Yeah, by someone
I was with for three years.
I'm not having a go, mate.
I'm just saying that
when it comes to girls,
you've always been
a duck out of water.
-What? So,
completely fine then?
-Eh?
Ducks are amphibious, Jay,
so they're completely fine
in or out of water.
-Bullshit.
-What do you mean "bullshit"?
This is what
I'm talking about, bro.
No one cares about all of your
University bullshit.
We literally learn that
in year two, Jay.
That's not even junior school.
Okay, look. The point is,
no matter how clever
you think you are,
you're never gonna get anywhere
'cause you've got shit clothes.
-Right.
-A shit haircut.
-Okay.
-And a dick like
a burst balloon.
I've got a perfectly
average-sized penis, Jay!
-Okay. Do you want to
get over Ellie?
-Not really.
Do you want to prove that
you're the big man?
-Obviously not.
-Okay, then you have to speak
to the next woman
who walks in this pub.
Whoever they are.
I literally said "no"
to both those things.
-'Cause you want me to say it?
-No.
-I'm gonna.
-Don't.
-I will say it.
-Don't say it.
-I shall say it.
-Please, don't.
-I'm gonna say it.
-I'd rather you didn't.
You're my little bro and
I love you!
And I want you to have
some fun. All right?
No! This is not
non-negotiable.
You mean it is non-negotiable.
What?
Don't worry.
Whoa, whoa, here we go.
Bro, bro, bro,
look, look, look.
Welcome, my friend,
to the woman of your dreams.
I am so sorry.
I will get you another one
at the bar.
Ooh, ooh, sorry.
Sorry, sorry.
You all right?
Now, now, now
- Can I have a glass of cider?
- -Sure.
And whatever
the angry looking man
behind me was drinking.
Thank you.
Can I ask you something?
Yes! Yeah, fire away, amigo.
Not amigo. Just friend.
Not that we're friends.
Although they do say
a stranger is a friend
you haven't met yet.
We've technically met,
haven't we?
I guess it sort of depends
on definitions of like
-Sorry, you had a question.
-Yes.
This is definitely
a shoe, right?
Yeah
I mean just I feel like
there's been some sort of
a fundamental mistake.
I mean, no one else seems
to be wearing them.
Right.
Sorry, it's just that I've
never really dressed up
this smart before,
and I'm feeling a bit
Yeah. No, no, no, completely.
That's
It's the same for the one out
of She's All That.
-Look what happened there.
-What did happen there?
Well, at the start of the film
everyone's like,
"she's not all that"
and then she pops
this dress on by the end
and then everyone's kicking
themselves,
'cause they're like,
"Ah, it turns out she was
all that all along!"
It's a classic.
You've got to watch it.
Okay.
I'll put it on my list.
Wow, so this was
taken on their first date?
Yeah, that's why I wanted this
place to be my first pub.
I thought it would be nice
to come for a drink
here with Dad.
Oh, is he coming down?
Oh, sort of.
You're leaning on him.
Oh, God!
I'm so I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God. I I
You don't need to apologize
to him. He's dead.
He can't hear you.
You want to ask me, don't you?
Ask you
Why this is my first time
in a pub?
Or in those shoes?
Or why the only four films,
I've seen in my life
are Terminator 2,
Shawshank Redemption,
Home Alone 2 and Braveheart.
Yeah, no, I do, actually.
I'm afraid I've got some
bad news, Nicky.
Kim?
It's your turn to disembowel
dinner when you got a sec.
Kim?
Dear Mum.
I'm sorry for leaving,
but I knew that you would
try and stop me.
The thing is,
I finally feel ready
to try new things.
Work out what's out there
for me.
And make things right
for Dad.
For all of us.
I'm not a little girl anymore.
I can look after myself, Mum.
The world is a scary place.
But it is just like he said
in that beautiful poem he wrote
for my 21st birthday.
I've got all my life to live.
And all my love to give.
And as long as I know
how to love.
I know I'll stay alive.
I will survive, Mum.
Love, Kim.
So just to be clear,
the end of the world
is coming tomorrow?
No. I'm saying it could
be tomorrow,
but when it does happen,
the more off grid you are
the better chance you'll have.
-So how's it gonna happen?
-Nuclear war, probably.
-Oh.
-But it could be
artificial intelligence.
Polar ice caps melting.
The next outbreak
of fish measles could
wipe us out entirely.
I'm sorry? Fish
My mum always says
the defining feature
of humanity
is impatience.
Even for its own destruction.
Our mum always says
that one cheese toastie
is never enough,
but two is always too much.
You're only making
fun of me because
the government is hiding
how bad it truly is.
If you had any idea
No, no.
I am on your side, bro.
Don't believe their lies, man.
Like, "Yeah guys.
Shall we just
get on a spaceship
and go 'to the moon.'"
As if, man. One giant leap
for fucking bullshit, mate.
Okay. All right.
So, Kim, you said your mum
told you all this?
You think we're wrong then?
Well, no. I'm just saying.
I think even
if we are all fucked,
I'd rather take my chances
in the real world,
than hide away
in the middle of nowhere
in a cave.
It's a hut.
My mum only makes me sleep
in the cave
when the bald man comes
to fix the generator.
Yeah, that thing
breaks down a lot.
What does that mean?
Okay, fun thought. Let's say
it is the end of the world
and we all had
two weeks to live.
What would you do?
Easy. I'd marry my girlfriend
on, like, a roller coaster
or summat.
Nice. Nicky?
I would write a lot, paint,
seek out the majesty of nature.
Oh, really?
No. I'd eat donuts and try
to have sex with people.
That's good, because if no one
wanted to have sex with you,
then you could just
use the donuts.
That was my thinking exactly.
All right, go on, Kim,
what about you?
Um
Sex and donuts
sounds good to me.
Well, then there we are
then, guys.
To the end of the world, baby.
Me and Ellie had been
together three years.
Met at Uni.
You know how it goes.
I guess it wasn't mutual then?
It was, actually.
It was a mutual decision
between her and her
new boyfriend.
Don't you have to take
your pollution pill?
What?
You are immunized, I guess.
Did your mum give you
those by any chance?
Yeah.
I can't believe this your
first trip into civilization.
Like ever.
Well, I did the supply run
a few times.
But I guess that's just
in and out so
And why did you
decide to leave now?
I haven't left.
I'm going back.
Just felt like now
is a good time to
cross some things
off my list, I guess.
You and Jay are quite
different then?
Our dad died when we were kids,
so that sort of
brought us together.
I'm sorry. I feel bad now.
That's all right.
He had this
landscaping business.
And me and Jay, we've always
had this plan to
resurrect it.
But you don't want to?
I studied English at Uni.
I've been offered this
internship in London.
It's gonna break his heart.
So, how did your dad die?
Heart attack.
Yours?
Yeah, same.
He died when I was six.
That's kind of the reason
why me and Mum left
in the first place.
It's funny.
My dad died the exact same day
my little cousin was born.
We even passed my aunt
in the hospital.
It's like there's
a finite amount of love
allowed in the world.
Exactly.
And you've got a pour
a bit out to make room
for the next bit.
Guys!
Oh, my God!
Come quick!
Yo, yo, I'm serious. You lot
need to come right now.
Kim, your mum was right.
It's happening.
Dude, it's fucking happening.
But it's okay,
'cause I found some
donuts in the kitchen.
Oh, my God!
Is this happening right now?
How did it start?
-Kim, there isn't any
-Chlorinated chicken
and climate change.
-Combined.
-Okay, one of us needs
to call the WHO.
-The who?
-Exactly.
-What?
-Oh, never mind, I need to go.
-Hold on a second.
-I just don't believe it.
You spend your
whole life thinking
the world's gonna end
in the blink of an eye
and then suddenly it is.
Okay, seriously, Kim,
don't worry, there's nothing
actually
Nicky, this is such
a serious situation.
There's nothing actually what?
There's nothing actually to
that we can do right now.
You're right.
-This isn't funny.
-It fucking is!
Jay!
It was just a joke
'cause of the whole
sex, doughnuts,
end of the world thing.
I didn't think she would
actually believe it.
Whoa.
Kim! Kim!
Get in the car.
Don't worry, Dad.
There's enough time.
Where the hell
is she going anyway?
Just shut up
and follow her.
Kim!
Kim! Kim!
I can't believe
she actually fell for it.
She's probably never seen
the internet before.
Of course, she fell for it.
Why didn't she realize
on the drive over?
Because it's the middle
of the night,
even if it was true no fucker
would be awake to see it.
Stop worrying, man.
Look, whoever she's gone
in there to see
will tell her that it's a joke,
and that's that.
What's the problem?
I had the chance to say
something and I didn't
She's gonna think
I'm a right dick.
It was just a little joke.
She's gonna think
it's hilarious.
-Is she though?
-Look, even if she doesn't,
what's the worst
that can happen?
Trust me.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Ian!
Was that you playing
silly bollocks downstairs?
Ian!
Hello, Jimmy.
Remember me?
Um
Thank you, good night,
see ya!