Undeclared s01e01 Episode Script
Prototype
Yep.
That's the one I want.
I grew 7 inches senior year.
Like, I don't know how tall you are or whatever.
But, like, man, everything from here up It's all new.
60 percent of all people meet their spouses at college.
That means my future wife could be, like, seated right beside me.
You and a girl.
Yeah, exac yeah, why not? Exactly, because, because, these girls at college, they don't know me.
They don't know who I am.
Yeah.
They don't know that you threw up on the bus in fifth grade.
Exactly.
That you had to have your finger reattached after that wood shop The point is, I'm tall and handsome, and And I've gained weight, and I've, like, finally got a fashion sense.
Man, it's like the beginning of a whole new era.
A new era? You're the same guy.
What, you think you're cool 'cause you grew like a freak and got a haircut? [Growls.]
I'm the same guy.
Yeah.
Well, uh, I'm the same guy.
Well, that's really interesting.
That's really interesting.
I guess old steve would have had no trouble doing this.
Dude! What the hell are you doing? I would have taken that! Oh, god.
What did I do? Hey, nice fancy haircut.
You should join those backstreet boys.
Watch out, ladies! I don't look like a backstreet boy.
Listen, you're going to college, right? You gonna work for me? Right, yes.
You gonna work? Yes, I'll work.
Say it again.
I'm gonna work.
I like your hair.
Thanks.
Not really.
I'm just saying that because I'm your father.
[Everyone talking.]
[Loud music plays.]
I think we're gonna be on the same floor.
It'll be fun.
Go! Aw, honey, please.
Come here.
Mom, will you just wake up grandma and leave already?! I'm feeling a bit of anxiety.
I mean, it's not that big of a deal, but no, no.
That's why you need a resident advisor.
Ok? It, uh, you know Actually, you, you remind me of a girl we had last year.
You know, same problems, everything.
ItsWeird.
But she's doing good? I think she's much happier now, where she is.
Oh, my god! Is this her?! Who are you? I'm your roommate lizzie! Ha ha ha! Hi! Oh, my god.
This is gonna be so much fun.
I have bigger speakers.
I have more wattage.
I have bigger speakers.
I have more wattage! Wattage is what matters.
It's the wattage.
Amps are completely meaningless now.
It's wattage.
Hey.
How's it going? Hey, hey! Hey! Hey, you live here? Uh, yep.
I think so.
I told you.
I told you.
I know.
Ok.
Ok.
I told you.
I know, I know.
UmI'm steven.
Steven! Steven! Yeah.
That's us both.
Ok.
All right.
UmWhat are you guys playing? What's the game? We can't tell you, because then we couldn't play it anymore.
Oh, ok.
Wait, I got one.
HowHow tall would you say you are? Right now? What do you think? Uh6 One.
One! Gah! Steven, you're killing me.
Thank you, steven.
You are terrible at this.
Hey, how's it going? [Sniffs.]
Hi, mate.
I was just lying here.
You can have the bed by the window if you want.
Oh, no, this one, this one's cool.
You know, it's, um, by the corkboard.
I'm lloyd.
[Grunts.]
Steven.
Hello, steven.
You're from England.
Right, right, yeah.
I've been there once on this jewish teen tour.
Shalom, europe.
I don't know.
What's your major? Oh, I'm, like, undeclared for the time being.
You know, it's just checking stuff out, kind of.
I'm in the theater department.
I guess I'll unpack.
Uh, I wouldn't unpack just yet, if I were you.
Not until after the party.
You don't want people messing with your stuff.
Oh, yeah, right.
Which party is that? Our party.
Did they not tell you? We're throwing a party tonight.
Oh.
This entire campus is heaving with beautiful women that don't know anyone yet.
We want them to know us.
Hence, the party.
[British accent.]
"Hence, the party.
" That's so cool.
All right, mate.
I'm gonna go run up some girls on campus.
Well, actually, if you want, I can help you with that, 'cause, um, like, I'm really good at that kind of stuff.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
It's, like, my specialty.
All right.
Good.
Yeah, you should do that.
UmI like your shirt.
Oh, yeah? Thanks.
It's new.
Yeah.
You should probably put your jacket back on, though.
It's gonna get cold outside.
Lloyd! Hey! It's kind of scary, living away from home, huh? I know.
Isn't it great? II've never lived with anybody before.
But if we stick together [telephone rings.]
Oh.
Sorry.
Hello? Hey, it's eric.
[Sniffling.]
Hi, baby.
I'm pulling out of the parking lot right now, and I'm starting to cry a little bit.
Oh, baby I just want you to know how much I love you, baby.
That's it.
Oh, I love you, too.
I can't wait till I can make love to you again.
Eric, my roommate's here.
I know, but if I can't say those things to you, I'll die.
Oh, sweetie I'm fine, don't worry about me.
It's your time to have fun.
I'll call you in, like, 15 minutes.
Ok.
That was embarrassing.
That was really, really that was embarrassing.
You guys I think she might come.
Uh, excuse me Um, we're, like, having a party tonight.
Do you, like, want to come? Oh, I'm a senior.
Oh, that's cool.
No, sweetie.
That means I'm not coming to your party.
Wow.
That sucked.
Do you, uh, wanna come to the party tonight? It's gonna be awesome.
Hi, uh, I heard about your party.
And if you have not already slotted the position, I would like to dj.
You.
.
Are you good at it? Oh, man, I spin and you have never heard it it's like, straight east coast thug hip-hop And brit pop.
I've got jesus, yes, I do.
I've got jesus, how 'bout you? You know what I mean? Um What does that, what does that sound like? You goin' down when I pump my glock like a time card in a clock make your heart stop, I'm colder than an otter pop there's no sunshine in a castle on a sunday I'm a carnivore, you're my prey oh, my god.
Somebody help me! Oh, god! We're having a party.
Fourth floor.
Party.
Hey, man, that sounds great.
Yeah, I'll be there.
Um, I'll bring some of my fraternity brothers.
That's great.
All right, man.
Cool.
I'll see you then.
Steve, you're supposed to ask ugly guys.
Hot girls, ugly guys.
Ok? Ugly.
Well, um he's gonna take all our women.
He's gonna take all of our women.
Hey, having a party.
You gonna come? You gonna come? I want all of you to come.
Ok.
You know what this is? It's aScrunchie? That's right.
It's a scrunchie.
But it's also a signal.
When I'm in the room with a lady, I'll put this on the doorknob.
That means do not disturb.
Ok, cool, cool.
It's, like, when I'm in the room with a lady, put it on the doorknob, that means, do not disturb.
That's right.
Is that really gonna happen? 'Course it's gonna happen.
Hey, how's it hangin'? Good.
We're throwing a party tonight.
I don't know Do you want to come? Yeah! Totally.
Where is it gonna be? Uh, it's actually, um, right here.
ItIt's here? Yeah.
So, you're inviting me to a floor party on my own floor.
Yeah, I guess you could put it that way.
So, I wouldn't have been able to go otherwise? No, I mean, uh Has anyone invited you yet? Just kidding.
I'll be there.
Thank you for inviting me.
Tonight we got the mike on crude with more luck than horseshoe while we fuse together like rudy 'cause we move with 10 ton thrusters the cosmopolitan cosmonaut have been denied again like aneurysms musical mannerisms are parallel to cannibalism so, I guess we live on the same floor.
If you live on this floor.
I don't know where you live.
I Inebriating, leave you gaping open nothing's safe in oakland it's potent, and murder is the slogan I'm glad you came.
Are you having a good time? Yeah.
Are you? Yeah.
I get a little bit shy at parties.
Whole communication thing.
It's difficult for me to understand your language.
Oh? Really? [Giggles.]
I'm joking.
You want to see my room? Yeah.
So I said, "mountain dew? Mountain don't!" I'm just kidding.
Uh, steven UhGuess who I found looking for his little boy? Hey, party man! Didn't I just see you at breakfast? Hey.
Do you know how to do laundry? Could you do me a favor? Could you hold my hand? Yeah.
Sure, sure, sure.
It's just I'm having a panic attack.
And it usually goes away if I hold somebody's hand and I tell them I'm having a panic attack.
Ok.
Ok.
I gotI got to get out of here.
Uh, no, no.
It's ok, it's ok.
Um, I'll distract you.
Um I'm studying music.
What's your major? I don't know yet.
I haven't decided.
You haven't picked a major yet?! God, what are you trying to do to me? Nothing.
I'm trying to distract you.
UhUm, maybe the r.
A.
Can help.
No.
No.
No.
Uh, lucien.
Lucien.
Hey, come here.
Hey, I, you know, I see nothing.
I mean, do you guys see a party? 'Cause I don't.
I really.
Sorry, I didn't see a scrunchie.
That's 'cause we're just talking.
I love this song.
Great.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Let's go listen to it.
Good god we gonna rock on to electric avenue well, now I know what all that college tuition money dad.
Please, stop.
What's going on? Steven, I don't want you to be overly concerned about this, but your mother is considering the idea Of getting a divorce.
What is that, huh? It's ridiculous.
I don't think it's that unusual.
It's a floor party and it was the first night.
And I I don't think it's that unusual.
No, I agree.
But I think I don't think it's unfair for me to feel Weird about it.
Feel threatened.
If I went to a party with alicia from color copy, you wouldn't feel threatened? If, all of a sudden, I'm going out to a party, you're not gonna feel threatened? Well, you know, I mean, this is college, and, I mean, this is my you think I oh-ho What? You went through you think I don't know what college is like? All of a sudden, oh, you're the expert on college.
I tried to go to college 4 times.
Eric! What happened? I don't know.
She says she's miserable.
She doesn't want to have sex.
Uh, she feels dead inside, life is passing her by.
I don't know.
I don't want to talk about this.
Dad, we're in the middle of a party, ok? This is my first day at school steven, I've given my entire life to you.
So, if I need to talk to you, you're gonna listen.
I'm sorry.
So Why do you think mom feels dead inside? I don't know.
UmUm, has she said why she doesn't want to have sex with you? You know what, you're right.
This is not the time.
I don't want to ruin your first night, so, uh I'm gonna go crash at uncle bill's.
Ok, good stuff.
I just wanted to let you know that's where I'm gonna be, in case you want to get in touch, all right? Cool, thanks.
We'll talk about this tomorrow.
Right.
Yeah.
All right? So have fun at the party.
Thank you.
Have fun at uncle bill's.
All right, I will.
Cool.
Bye.
Hey, mr.
Karp.
Where you going? You should party with us, huh? Oh, no.
I gotta go.
Oh, your wife get mad if you come home late? Where's the keg? Yeah.
That's right.
I bet you could drink a ton of beer, huh? I could.
Today.
[Music plays.]
You got to watch out, hal.
Come on.
Here it comes, baby! Bring it, h-bomb.
All: Ohh! You asked for it, hal.
I feel terrible.
Darn it! You asked for it.
That's right.
I know you're feeling alone, and I know that you're feeling nervous.
I just got here! I'm not I'm you know what? Maybe we should break up.
Maybe we didn't think hard enough about that.
Maybe we should maybe we should.
Maybe we should.
I mean, we talked about splitting up till the summer anyway, maybe we should just go through with it.
Now you want to break up? But you're, you just now you want to break up? You get to college one day, you're at college for one hour, and all of a sudden you want to break up? You were the one who just how did? You know what? Hey, hey, listen.
No, wait.
Hey.
How does this idea sound?! [Click.]
Now, now, I know that you're scared.
Ok.
You know, being away from mom and dad and all that.
But, hey.
I've been here 6 years and I'm still scared.
All right? Now, I I actually wrote a poem about my job.
Ok? And I really, really think that this would really help you in your situation right now.
Ok? [Sighs.]
If you enter my room full of tears, my hope is that you will leave with a smile.
Ok.
If you enter my room glowing with love, my hope is to share in your warmth.
Ok, so when you're feeling low, just knock on my door and say, "hello!" You know? SeeI-I-it's working.
And it's a little bit better.
And I'm really glad that you're able to laugh about this.
[Laughing.]
[Loud music in background.]
Have you seen rachel? I'm sorry.
Are you all right? I'm sorry.
Uh, you know, um I'm just[Sniffs.]
I'm, like, really excited to be here.
Really? Yeah, you know, I'm just, I'm like, just so happy.
You know? Um We're finally on our own now.
You know? It's, uh It's a whole new era.
Yeah.
II know what you mean.
No one can control us, orOr Tell us what to do! Isn't it great? It's amazing! Yabba dabba doo! Hey.
I'm in the dating pool now, man.
I'm available.
I'm out there.
I'm looking for a hot young chick.
Yes, I am.
You're what is desirable.
Suzie zeta-jones.
Yes.
Catherine zeta's Sister.
Sister.
The younger one.
The much younger one.
Yes! Yes! That's right, man.
From now on, we have total freedom.
And now is the time in our lives when we are supposed to be experiencing everything.
Exactly, exactly.
Like, I can, like, uh Stay up till 11 now.
And I could pierce anything I want.
Yeah, um, and, uh I can watch as much tv as I want to.
You know, and eat candy all day.
You know what we should do? What? We should have sex.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
For fun.
Yeah.
For fun.
Right.
Ok.
Do you have a condom? I have 8 condoms.
Ah Look at that.
That's not that big.
No, it's like the same size as mine.
I have the gut of an 18-year-old.
I have the gut of a 48-year-old.
Man It's pathetic.
What is she complaining about? All right.
It's not the size of the gut, hal.
It's what the gut represents.
The poor woman's done with raising her children.
She wants to live a little bit.
The problem what this is about, is That the women, they don't appreciate you.
That is the real problem.
Oh, I'm so sorry that I worked and supported you for 20 years! I should have been, um, learning to salsa dance so you wouldn't feel dead inside! Yeah.
Why didn't you take her salsa dancing? 'Cause he works for a living! That's right, man! Have you not been listening? I'm bringing home the bacon, ok? Ok? I understand that.
But why didn't you take her salsa dancing? Because I don't want to! Well, I'm sure she didn't want to cook you dinner every night for the last 20 years and sacrifice her life to raise your child, but she still did it, didn't she, hal? Oh, man.
That makes sense.
What do you mean, that makes sense? Hey, whoa, whoa.
Are you saying I'm wrong? No! You're not wrong, hal.
You're just Maybe Less than right.
Oh, crap! Yeah.
Hal It's never too late to make a new beginning.
Go call her.
Never.
I got a room at the top of the world tonight I got a room at the top of the world tonight I got a room at the top of the world tonight, and I ain't comin' down no I ain't comin' there's a scrunchie on the door.
And I'm not in there.
Wow.
Captioned by the national Www.
Ncicap.
Org with steven? That skinny guy? I have a boyfriend.
Lizzie, I totally misjudged you.
Am I a bad person? No! No.
Oh, my god.
Marshall: Hey! Ron: Hal! Hey, ron! Ron: How's it going? Ok.
Ron: Have a good one.
Why did you do that? Do what? I'm sorry about last night.
Oh, no, uh, don't worry.
It was, ahem, just fine.
I love your friends.
Oh, yeah, they're great.
A lot of fun.
[Girls laughing.]
Good morning, lizzie.
[Gasps.]
Hi.
Hey, who's that? It's, uh, my future girlfriend.
Whoa! Man, you got this place wired already.
Yeah, tell me something I don't know.
I'm gonna bust it like, college girls, in the place to be this ain't high school, don't you see? we're gonna make drinks and punch no fakin' the funk I'm gonna get you on the top of my bunk this is my man ron.
Aiight, ron.
Takin' suckers out like members of a gong strong, like an east coast mafia don that rhymed very well.
Uh This party, goin' till tomorrow no sorrow, droppin' like aSparrow youThat's good.
So, like, 8:00? Uh, yeah.
So, I'll get there at like, 7, set up? Yeah.
That's the one I want.
I grew 7 inches senior year.
Like, I don't know how tall you are or whatever.
But, like, man, everything from here up It's all new.
60 percent of all people meet their spouses at college.
That means my future wife could be, like, seated right beside me.
You and a girl.
Yeah, exac yeah, why not? Exactly, because, because, these girls at college, they don't know me.
They don't know who I am.
Yeah.
They don't know that you threw up on the bus in fifth grade.
Exactly.
That you had to have your finger reattached after that wood shop The point is, I'm tall and handsome, and And I've gained weight, and I've, like, finally got a fashion sense.
Man, it's like the beginning of a whole new era.
A new era? You're the same guy.
What, you think you're cool 'cause you grew like a freak and got a haircut? [Growls.]
I'm the same guy.
Yeah.
Well, uh, I'm the same guy.
Well, that's really interesting.
That's really interesting.
I guess old steve would have had no trouble doing this.
Dude! What the hell are you doing? I would have taken that! Oh, god.
What did I do? Hey, nice fancy haircut.
You should join those backstreet boys.
Watch out, ladies! I don't look like a backstreet boy.
Listen, you're going to college, right? You gonna work for me? Right, yes.
You gonna work? Yes, I'll work.
Say it again.
I'm gonna work.
I like your hair.
Thanks.
Not really.
I'm just saying that because I'm your father.
[Everyone talking.]
[Loud music plays.]
I think we're gonna be on the same floor.
It'll be fun.
Go! Aw, honey, please.
Come here.
Mom, will you just wake up grandma and leave already?! I'm feeling a bit of anxiety.
I mean, it's not that big of a deal, but no, no.
That's why you need a resident advisor.
Ok? It, uh, you know Actually, you, you remind me of a girl we had last year.
You know, same problems, everything.
ItsWeird.
But she's doing good? I think she's much happier now, where she is.
Oh, my god! Is this her?! Who are you? I'm your roommate lizzie! Ha ha ha! Hi! Oh, my god.
This is gonna be so much fun.
I have bigger speakers.
I have more wattage.
I have bigger speakers.
I have more wattage! Wattage is what matters.
It's the wattage.
Amps are completely meaningless now.
It's wattage.
Hey.
How's it going? Hey, hey! Hey! Hey, you live here? Uh, yep.
I think so.
I told you.
I told you.
I know.
Ok.
Ok.
I told you.
I know, I know.
UmI'm steven.
Steven! Steven! Yeah.
That's us both.
Ok.
All right.
UmWhat are you guys playing? What's the game? We can't tell you, because then we couldn't play it anymore.
Oh, ok.
Wait, I got one.
HowHow tall would you say you are? Right now? What do you think? Uh6 One.
One! Gah! Steven, you're killing me.
Thank you, steven.
You are terrible at this.
Hey, how's it going? [Sniffs.]
Hi, mate.
I was just lying here.
You can have the bed by the window if you want.
Oh, no, this one, this one's cool.
You know, it's, um, by the corkboard.
I'm lloyd.
[Grunts.]
Steven.
Hello, steven.
You're from England.
Right, right, yeah.
I've been there once on this jewish teen tour.
Shalom, europe.
I don't know.
What's your major? Oh, I'm, like, undeclared for the time being.
You know, it's just checking stuff out, kind of.
I'm in the theater department.
I guess I'll unpack.
Uh, I wouldn't unpack just yet, if I were you.
Not until after the party.
You don't want people messing with your stuff.
Oh, yeah, right.
Which party is that? Our party.
Did they not tell you? We're throwing a party tonight.
Oh.
This entire campus is heaving with beautiful women that don't know anyone yet.
We want them to know us.
Hence, the party.
[British accent.]
"Hence, the party.
" That's so cool.
All right, mate.
I'm gonna go run up some girls on campus.
Well, actually, if you want, I can help you with that, 'cause, um, like, I'm really good at that kind of stuff.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
It's, like, my specialty.
All right.
Good.
Yeah, you should do that.
UmI like your shirt.
Oh, yeah? Thanks.
It's new.
Yeah.
You should probably put your jacket back on, though.
It's gonna get cold outside.
Lloyd! Hey! It's kind of scary, living away from home, huh? I know.
Isn't it great? II've never lived with anybody before.
But if we stick together [telephone rings.]
Oh.
Sorry.
Hello? Hey, it's eric.
[Sniffling.]
Hi, baby.
I'm pulling out of the parking lot right now, and I'm starting to cry a little bit.
Oh, baby I just want you to know how much I love you, baby.
That's it.
Oh, I love you, too.
I can't wait till I can make love to you again.
Eric, my roommate's here.
I know, but if I can't say those things to you, I'll die.
Oh, sweetie I'm fine, don't worry about me.
It's your time to have fun.
I'll call you in, like, 15 minutes.
Ok.
That was embarrassing.
That was really, really that was embarrassing.
You guys I think she might come.
Uh, excuse me Um, we're, like, having a party tonight.
Do you, like, want to come? Oh, I'm a senior.
Oh, that's cool.
No, sweetie.
That means I'm not coming to your party.
Wow.
That sucked.
Do you, uh, wanna come to the party tonight? It's gonna be awesome.
Hi, uh, I heard about your party.
And if you have not already slotted the position, I would like to dj.
You.
.
Are you good at it? Oh, man, I spin and you have never heard it it's like, straight east coast thug hip-hop And brit pop.
I've got jesus, yes, I do.
I've got jesus, how 'bout you? You know what I mean? Um What does that, what does that sound like? You goin' down when I pump my glock like a time card in a clock make your heart stop, I'm colder than an otter pop there's no sunshine in a castle on a sunday I'm a carnivore, you're my prey oh, my god.
Somebody help me! Oh, god! We're having a party.
Fourth floor.
Party.
Hey, man, that sounds great.
Yeah, I'll be there.
Um, I'll bring some of my fraternity brothers.
That's great.
All right, man.
Cool.
I'll see you then.
Steve, you're supposed to ask ugly guys.
Hot girls, ugly guys.
Ok? Ugly.
Well, um he's gonna take all our women.
He's gonna take all of our women.
Hey, having a party.
You gonna come? You gonna come? I want all of you to come.
Ok.
You know what this is? It's aScrunchie? That's right.
It's a scrunchie.
But it's also a signal.
When I'm in the room with a lady, I'll put this on the doorknob.
That means do not disturb.
Ok, cool, cool.
It's, like, when I'm in the room with a lady, put it on the doorknob, that means, do not disturb.
That's right.
Is that really gonna happen? 'Course it's gonna happen.
Hey, how's it hangin'? Good.
We're throwing a party tonight.
I don't know Do you want to come? Yeah! Totally.
Where is it gonna be? Uh, it's actually, um, right here.
ItIt's here? Yeah.
So, you're inviting me to a floor party on my own floor.
Yeah, I guess you could put it that way.
So, I wouldn't have been able to go otherwise? No, I mean, uh Has anyone invited you yet? Just kidding.
I'll be there.
Thank you for inviting me.
Tonight we got the mike on crude with more luck than horseshoe while we fuse together like rudy 'cause we move with 10 ton thrusters the cosmopolitan cosmonaut have been denied again like aneurysms musical mannerisms are parallel to cannibalism so, I guess we live on the same floor.
If you live on this floor.
I don't know where you live.
I Inebriating, leave you gaping open nothing's safe in oakland it's potent, and murder is the slogan I'm glad you came.
Are you having a good time? Yeah.
Are you? Yeah.
I get a little bit shy at parties.
Whole communication thing.
It's difficult for me to understand your language.
Oh? Really? [Giggles.]
I'm joking.
You want to see my room? Yeah.
So I said, "mountain dew? Mountain don't!" I'm just kidding.
Uh, steven UhGuess who I found looking for his little boy? Hey, party man! Didn't I just see you at breakfast? Hey.
Do you know how to do laundry? Could you do me a favor? Could you hold my hand? Yeah.
Sure, sure, sure.
It's just I'm having a panic attack.
And it usually goes away if I hold somebody's hand and I tell them I'm having a panic attack.
Ok.
Ok.
I gotI got to get out of here.
Uh, no, no.
It's ok, it's ok.
Um, I'll distract you.
Um I'm studying music.
What's your major? I don't know yet.
I haven't decided.
You haven't picked a major yet?! God, what are you trying to do to me? Nothing.
I'm trying to distract you.
UhUm, maybe the r.
A.
Can help.
No.
No.
No.
Uh, lucien.
Lucien.
Hey, come here.
Hey, I, you know, I see nothing.
I mean, do you guys see a party? 'Cause I don't.
I really.
Sorry, I didn't see a scrunchie.
That's 'cause we're just talking.
I love this song.
Great.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Let's go listen to it.
Good god we gonna rock on to electric avenue well, now I know what all that college tuition money dad.
Please, stop.
What's going on? Steven, I don't want you to be overly concerned about this, but your mother is considering the idea Of getting a divorce.
What is that, huh? It's ridiculous.
I don't think it's that unusual.
It's a floor party and it was the first night.
And I I don't think it's that unusual.
No, I agree.
But I think I don't think it's unfair for me to feel Weird about it.
Feel threatened.
If I went to a party with alicia from color copy, you wouldn't feel threatened? If, all of a sudden, I'm going out to a party, you're not gonna feel threatened? Well, you know, I mean, this is college, and, I mean, this is my you think I oh-ho What? You went through you think I don't know what college is like? All of a sudden, oh, you're the expert on college.
I tried to go to college 4 times.
Eric! What happened? I don't know.
She says she's miserable.
She doesn't want to have sex.
Uh, she feels dead inside, life is passing her by.
I don't know.
I don't want to talk about this.
Dad, we're in the middle of a party, ok? This is my first day at school steven, I've given my entire life to you.
So, if I need to talk to you, you're gonna listen.
I'm sorry.
So Why do you think mom feels dead inside? I don't know.
UmUm, has she said why she doesn't want to have sex with you? You know what, you're right.
This is not the time.
I don't want to ruin your first night, so, uh I'm gonna go crash at uncle bill's.
Ok, good stuff.
I just wanted to let you know that's where I'm gonna be, in case you want to get in touch, all right? Cool, thanks.
We'll talk about this tomorrow.
Right.
Yeah.
All right? So have fun at the party.
Thank you.
Have fun at uncle bill's.
All right, I will.
Cool.
Bye.
Hey, mr.
Karp.
Where you going? You should party with us, huh? Oh, no.
I gotta go.
Oh, your wife get mad if you come home late? Where's the keg? Yeah.
That's right.
I bet you could drink a ton of beer, huh? I could.
Today.
[Music plays.]
You got to watch out, hal.
Come on.
Here it comes, baby! Bring it, h-bomb.
All: Ohh! You asked for it, hal.
I feel terrible.
Darn it! You asked for it.
That's right.
I know you're feeling alone, and I know that you're feeling nervous.
I just got here! I'm not I'm you know what? Maybe we should break up.
Maybe we didn't think hard enough about that.
Maybe we should maybe we should.
Maybe we should.
I mean, we talked about splitting up till the summer anyway, maybe we should just go through with it.
Now you want to break up? But you're, you just now you want to break up? You get to college one day, you're at college for one hour, and all of a sudden you want to break up? You were the one who just how did? You know what? Hey, hey, listen.
No, wait.
Hey.
How does this idea sound?! [Click.]
Now, now, I know that you're scared.
Ok.
You know, being away from mom and dad and all that.
But, hey.
I've been here 6 years and I'm still scared.
All right? Now, I I actually wrote a poem about my job.
Ok? And I really, really think that this would really help you in your situation right now.
Ok? [Sighs.]
If you enter my room full of tears, my hope is that you will leave with a smile.
Ok.
If you enter my room glowing with love, my hope is to share in your warmth.
Ok, so when you're feeling low, just knock on my door and say, "hello!" You know? SeeI-I-it's working.
And it's a little bit better.
And I'm really glad that you're able to laugh about this.
[Laughing.]
[Loud music in background.]
Have you seen rachel? I'm sorry.
Are you all right? I'm sorry.
Uh, you know, um I'm just[Sniffs.]
I'm, like, really excited to be here.
Really? Yeah, you know, I'm just, I'm like, just so happy.
You know? Um We're finally on our own now.
You know? It's, uh It's a whole new era.
Yeah.
II know what you mean.
No one can control us, orOr Tell us what to do! Isn't it great? It's amazing! Yabba dabba doo! Hey.
I'm in the dating pool now, man.
I'm available.
I'm out there.
I'm looking for a hot young chick.
Yes, I am.
You're what is desirable.
Suzie zeta-jones.
Yes.
Catherine zeta's Sister.
Sister.
The younger one.
The much younger one.
Yes! Yes! That's right, man.
From now on, we have total freedom.
And now is the time in our lives when we are supposed to be experiencing everything.
Exactly, exactly.
Like, I can, like, uh Stay up till 11 now.
And I could pierce anything I want.
Yeah, um, and, uh I can watch as much tv as I want to.
You know, and eat candy all day.
You know what we should do? What? We should have sex.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
For fun.
Yeah.
For fun.
Right.
Ok.
Do you have a condom? I have 8 condoms.
Ah Look at that.
That's not that big.
No, it's like the same size as mine.
I have the gut of an 18-year-old.
I have the gut of a 48-year-old.
Man It's pathetic.
What is she complaining about? All right.
It's not the size of the gut, hal.
It's what the gut represents.
The poor woman's done with raising her children.
She wants to live a little bit.
The problem what this is about, is That the women, they don't appreciate you.
That is the real problem.
Oh, I'm so sorry that I worked and supported you for 20 years! I should have been, um, learning to salsa dance so you wouldn't feel dead inside! Yeah.
Why didn't you take her salsa dancing? 'Cause he works for a living! That's right, man! Have you not been listening? I'm bringing home the bacon, ok? Ok? I understand that.
But why didn't you take her salsa dancing? Because I don't want to! Well, I'm sure she didn't want to cook you dinner every night for the last 20 years and sacrifice her life to raise your child, but she still did it, didn't she, hal? Oh, man.
That makes sense.
What do you mean, that makes sense? Hey, whoa, whoa.
Are you saying I'm wrong? No! You're not wrong, hal.
You're just Maybe Less than right.
Oh, crap! Yeah.
Hal It's never too late to make a new beginning.
Go call her.
Never.
I got a room at the top of the world tonight I got a room at the top of the world tonight I got a room at the top of the world tonight, and I ain't comin' down no I ain't comin' there's a scrunchie on the door.
And I'm not in there.
Wow.
Captioned by the national Www.
Ncicap.
Org with steven? That skinny guy? I have a boyfriend.
Lizzie, I totally misjudged you.
Am I a bad person? No! No.
Oh, my god.
Marshall: Hey! Ron: Hal! Hey, ron! Ron: How's it going? Ok.
Ron: Have a good one.
Why did you do that? Do what? I'm sorry about last night.
Oh, no, uh, don't worry.
It was, ahem, just fine.
I love your friends.
Oh, yeah, they're great.
A lot of fun.
[Girls laughing.]
Good morning, lizzie.
[Gasps.]
Hi.
Hey, who's that? It's, uh, my future girlfriend.
Whoa! Man, you got this place wired already.
Yeah, tell me something I don't know.
I'm gonna bust it like, college girls, in the place to be this ain't high school, don't you see? we're gonna make drinks and punch no fakin' the funk I'm gonna get you on the top of my bunk this is my man ron.
Aiight, ron.
Takin' suckers out like members of a gong strong, like an east coast mafia don that rhymed very well.
Uh This party, goin' till tomorrow no sorrow, droppin' like aSparrow youThat's good.
So, like, 8:00? Uh, yeah.
So, I'll get there at like, 7, set up? Yeah.