United States of Al (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

1 How do you say "We're so happy to see you" in What is the language there? Afghanistanish? Uh, it's Pashto.
And I only know a few phrases.
Like? (SPEAKING PASHTO) Which means? "Please, God, get me out of here".
So you can say that and not "We're so glad you're here"? Lizzie, the whole time I served in Afghanistan I never heard anyone say, "We're so glad you're here".
(SIGHS) We should've brought him a welcome gift.
When I went back for my second tour, he was waiting for me on the tarmac with a pot of pacha.
Ooh, that something you eat or smoke? It's a traditional Afghan breakfast soup made of sheep's hooves.
Seriously? I know, it sounds more like a lunch food, doesn't it? Al's mom used to make it for us.
Aw Are you gonna cry when you see him? Marines don't cry, Lizzie.
- They don't, huh? - No.
Those babies in the Air Force cry when their sunglasses get smudged.
There he is, there he is.
- Al, over here! - Aah! - Hi.
- (SIGHS) (CHUCKLES) Oh, my friend.
I am so happy to see you.
I was worried you weren't gonna make it.
Me, too.
But you found a way.
Hi, Al.
Lizzie.
It is so good to finally meet you.
Thank you for keeping my brother safe.
(SIGHS) Oh, thank you! (CHUCKLES) Oh, look at this.
Today, we are all in the Air Force.
Oh! It is a marvel how beautifully paved your roads are.
And look how everyone stops for the red light.
People don't stop for traffic lights in Afghanistan? No, we are too busy.
We have places to go.
Oh, there's a lot to see.
(CHUCKLES): I can't wait to show you everything.
And I want to see everything.
Washington D.
C.
, Las Vegas.
And what's the name of that place that sells peanut butter and brings it to you on a forklift? Costco.
- It will not disappoint.
- Hmm.
Neither will Vegas.
I can't take him to Vegas.
Won't drink, won't gamble.
And do not try to show him naked women.
True.
But there is nothing in the Koran that says I cannot ride a roller coaster through a tiny New York.
You definitely have to come with me to Burning Man.
Oh, Lizzie, don't.
- Who is Burning Man? - It's a what.
- What is a what? - Burning Man.
It sounds like a who.
- There is no burning man.
- What? Picture this: bunch of Americans show up, pitch some tents, run around like crazy people, light everything on fire and then leave.
Are you trying to make me homesick? So, Riley, when do I get to meet the most wonderful woman in all of creation? Oh, yeah.
About that.
They broke up.
I was getting there.
What are you talking about? R-Riley, for years, all I heard about was how much you love and miss her.
Well, didn't work out.
Kind of in the middle of a divorce.
What about my goddaughter? Hazel? You'll meet her.
It's just a little complicated right now.
Oh, Riley.
Have you apologized for whatever it was you did wrong? What makes you think it was my fault? Oh, Riley.
Look at all this food.
Why do you people invade other countries, when you can just stay here and eat? Good question, man.
(MOANS) Look at this apple.
It is perfect.
It's a perfect apple.
May I take a bite? - Knock yourself out.
- Ah.
Oh, no, we can't buy this.
Well, we kind of have to now.
But it has no taste.
It's just crunchy water.
What do they taste like in Afghanistan? They have an apple flavor.
I'll have my mother send you some.
(BEEPS) All right, rotisserie chicken, eight even.
No, no, no.
Eight dollars for that chicken? - I do not think so.
- Excuse me? I will give you four.
- What? - Four, or I am walking away.
- I can't change the price of the groceries.
- Okay.
I am walking away.
Look at me, I am walking away.
You will lose the sale.
Lizzie, put everything back.
We are walking away.
- What is he doing? - Just watch.
Okay, Shawn, you are good.
You are a credit to your profession.
I will give you five dollars for the chicken.
I couldn't do that even if I wanted to.
The computer doesn't let us.
Okay, so you want to.
We're getting somewhere.
Move aside.
I can figure it out.
This is gonna end very badly.
No, it's not.
Hmm.
Here is a button to override the store price.
Just put in your employee number.
Manager to Checkout Three.
We have a, uh I don't know what.
Hey, Al, while you're at it, these avocados were two dollars each last time I was here.
Now they're $2.
50.
Oh, so the price can change but only up.
How do you explain that, Shawn? Is there a problem here? Eh, there is no problem.
We have just agreed that this chicken will be five dollars.
Now let's talk about the avocados.
Uh, n-nothing I can do about the avocados, but you can have the chicken for five bucks if you just leave.
Deal.
See? Oh, um, by the way, Tom.
Shawn here is an excellent employee.
If you cannot give him a raise, you can certainly send him home with some nice meat for his family.
Here we are.
What a beautiful home.
Mashallah.
Yeah.
(MUMBLING): Mashallah RILEY: Oh, relax, man.
You don't have to take your shoes off.
What am I, an animal? Hey! Awalmir! A-welcome.
I am so happy to be here.
I cannot thank you enough.
There is no need.
Your son helped me, too.
We helped each other.
You must be exhausted.
Well, it was eight hours from Kabul to Hamburg, then two hours to Heathrow, then my flight got canceled, and I waited six hours for the ten-hour flight to Atlanta.
And then two hours to Columbus, so yes, I am a little, uh Riley, what is that wonderful word? - Pooped.
- Pooped.
All right, let me get you a beer.
Dad, what the hell, man? We talked about this.
No alcohol.
Oh, right, right.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Sorry.
No, your son should be sorry for talking to you with that tone of voice.
I like him.
Come on, I made dinner.
And don't forget, he can't have pork.
Well, make up your mind.
Are you Muslim or you Jewish? - Dad! - Ah, calm down.
So, what's going on with your family? - They are safe for now, inshallah.
- Where? Kabul.
Oh, I love it there.
You said Cabo, right? How would his family get to Mexico? I spent a spring break in Mexico.
I don't know how I got there.
All right, here we go.
No pork, no booze.
I'd say "enjoy", but I don't see it happening.
(PRAYING IN PASHTO) Amen.
So, Al, besides your family, did you leave behind anyone special? A girlfriend maybe? No.
I am afraid not.
How come? You're a good-looking guy.
Thank you, you are also very handsome.
It's just that I moved around a lot, and I could never tell anyone where I lived because the Taliban were hunting me.
Yeah, dating's hard.
Someday I hope to have a wife who is as wonderful and beautiful as your wife.
Really? You just got here, and you're busting my chops.
How could you not tell me you were having marriage problems? - I could have fixed it.
- From Afghanistan? It's not the moon.
We have Wi-Fi.
Whatever, man, it's fine.
Just leave it alone, all right? When do you see your daughter? I don't know, when her mother lets me.
I keep telling him to get his act together and do whatever it takes to get her back.
- Does he listen? - I bet he does not.
- Dad, come on, man, leave it alone.
- Riley.
Your father has more wisdom than you and I put together.
We should all kneel at his feet and learn from him.
You can stay here as long as you want.
And this is where we'll bunk.
- Very nice.
- No, it's not.
Check out the view.
Oh, look, your trash cans are on wheels.
How clever.
You're an optimistic little dude, aren't you? Part of his culture, Dad.
They're very polite.
So, you mean you weren't really crazy about my pot roast? No, I loved it.
It was bursting with flavor.
Want to know the secret ingredient? - Huh? - Ketchup.
I will take it to my grave.
All right, I've kept you up long enough.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Ah, thank you for dinner, and thank you for welcoming me into your home.
Oh.
What's happening? You'll get used to it.
Yeah, I don't think I will.
- Good night, son.
- Good night, Dad.
- Can I get you a drink? - Please.
Got some juice boxes I keep here for my daughter.
Sunrise Surprise.
If it tastes like waking up to American troops banging on your door, it's well-named.
Dude, I can't believe you're really here.
Me neither.
So, what's up with your sister? Ah, she is causing my family so much stress.
She wants to quit her job at the hospital so she can join a program that gives children polio vaccines.
Plus, she does not want to get married.
Okay.
But she's still pretty young, right? She's American young.
She's Afghan expired.
Well, maybe things will look different after we get your family over here.
- Mm.
That reminds me.
- Mm-hmm? My mother said if it's possible, she would like to live in Florida.
Yeah.
She can live wherever she wants.
- Why Florida? - She is a big fan of Miami Vice.
Is that why she always called me Crockett? I was Tubbs.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hey, I'm gonna grab some drinks with friends.
You guys want to come? No, we're good.
Okay.
See you in the morning.
Bye, Al.
Goodbye, Lizzie.
(DOOR CLOSES) Well, she won't be back in the morning.
And you let her do this? Buddy, she does not listen to me.
Ever since Michael died, she's been partying real hard.
I was so sorry to hear about that.
He was my favorite helicopter pilot.
Once he even let me steer.
Longest four seconds of my life.
You know, they were planning a wedding.
Hmm.
We are so blessed to have walked away with our lives.
Alhamdulillah.
Alhamdulillah.
You miss it, though.
Now, why would you say that? Your room looks like our bunker in Sangin.
Except it has fewer homey touches.
It's only been a couple months.
I haven't really had time to decorate.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, I do miss the action.
- Ah.
- I was good at it.
I'm not good at anything here.
Not good? Riley, you got me out.
Your government would have left me there, but you did not let them.
We'll get your whole family out, too.
All right? One way or another, we'll get 'em out.
I know we will.
All right.
You go to sleep.
I'll be right back.
Where are you going? Uh, just down the street.
I'm out of beer.
Uh, Riley, are you not too drunk to drive? (INHALES SHARPLY) Yeah, probably.
- Give me the keys.
I will drive.
- No, you're exhausted.
I was also exhausted when I drove our Humvee under fire through a field full of sheep.
Oh, yeah.
That was the night we all had lamb kebabs.
Let's go, Tubbs.
(CHUCKLES) So, now that I have you trapped in the car, let's talk about your marriage.
Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, okay? I just thought you had enough to worry about, hiding from the bad guys.
Hiding is boring.
A little gossip would have been nice.
What do you want me to say? I was embarrassed.
You should be.
I think you, Vanessa, and I should meet - and smooth things out.
- Not a chance.
Let's try for Sunday.
I'll make dinner.
I said no, man.
Get off my case.
I wish I could, but you're too good of a friend.
(SIREN WAILS) Ah, damn it.
Uh, just let me do the talking, okay? In all the years I've known you, when has that ever worked? Hold on.
Um - Where is the button? - It's on the door.
Everything is on the door.
Uh No, it's on the right.
It's the one with the little window.
Let me Good evening, Officer.
Is there a problem? Do you have any idea how slow you were driving? I do.
You have a beautiful country and there is much to look at.
License and registration, please.
Uh, Officer, I'm s I'm sorry.
I screwed up, I made him drive.
It's my fault.
Do not listen to him.
He is very upset and wishes he could be back with his beloved wife.
Not the time, Al.
Here you go, Officer.
You're kidding, right? Do you have any more money? No, just put that away.
He doesn't have a license, okay? I-I know this is bad.
Just please arrest me.
It's true.
I do not have my license.
I have just arrived from Afghanistan where I was an interpreter fighting the Taliban with U.
S.
forces for six years.
- Six years? - Straight through.
The Marines got eight months on, eight months at home.
I was there the whole time.
You a Marine? Yes, sir.
Me, too.
Anbar Province.
- Mm-hmm.
- Helmand.
Both of us.
Heard that place is a meat grinder.
Yeah, you could say that.
Listen, man, i-it took me three years to get this clown out of there.
Help me out.
Now, this can't happen again.
No, sir.
It will not.
All right, go ahead.
Get on out of here.
- Thank you, brother.
- Yes, thank you.
- Be careful.
- I promise, from now on, I will drive very fast.
Go.
(ENGINE STARTS) You know, after you, Lizzie and your dad, he is my fourth-favorite person in America.
(GROANS) (EXHALES) Al? (SNIFFLES) Hmm.
What are you doing? Making everything look nice.
- Why? - Vanessa is coming over for tea.
Why? So we could all talk.
No, no, no, Al.
Listen to me, man, I really appreciate you trying to help, but you can't be a hero and fix this.
Okay? You have no idea what you're stepping into.
When the world says that to America, it doesn't listen.
Why should I? - (DOORBELL RINGS) - (GROANS) Man Take a shower.
This will go better if you smell nice.
Hurry.
(GROANS) Dude! Vanessa, having tea is an important part of my culture.
It facilitates dialogue, even among the most bitter enemies.
During the war, Riley and I would do this to try to resolve disputes.
I get that, Al, but I just really don't think - this is gonna help us.
- Yeah, I already told him that.
Oh, shut up.
Of course, in Afghanistan, we were mostly dealing with murderous warlords.
This is my first time working with a married couple.
Well, we won't be married for long.
Why'd you even come here? I mean, don't you have anything better to do? I came out of respect for the guy who saved your life.
You came to punish me.
I don't have to punish you, Riley.
You punish yourself.
I have to tell you both, I am missing the warlords right now.
Vanessa, why don't you tell me what you think went wrong with your marriage? Oh, Al, I don't even know where to start.
I mean, the mood swings, the drinking.
He won't go get help.
He refused to go to counseling.
I just had enough.
Okay, thank you.
I have only been here one day, but I have also seen the mood swings and the drinking.
Hey.
Whose side are you on? I am in the middle.
Look.
This is on purpose.
I'm sorry, but I'm done trying to raise my daughter with a guy who I can't trust.
I understand that, too.
When I met Riley, I did not trust him either.
And I was right not to trust him.
Did you know the first time he gave me a gun, - he did not put bullets in it? - You're kidding.
I am not, and I discovered this in the middle of a firefight.
I had to know you weren't gonna shoot me.
And in that moment, when I was clicking away and nothing was coming out, I really wanted to.
The point is, we did not trust each other then.
But we do now.
Trust is earned.
Well, he's got a long way to go.
Oh, I agree.
Right now he's at zero with me.
Oh, zero is good.
I would not have gone that high.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY) But I do like you.
You know what's funny? The warlords also liked me and not him.
(LAUGHS) Vanessa, you are as wonderful a woman as Riley always said.
I'm so glad we finally got to meet.
Me, too.
Excuse me, but we haven't resolved a thing here.
No, but we are talking, which is a good first step.
If the two of us could learn a language he does not know, that might be helpful for the future.
I speak a little French.
- Ah.
Moi aussi.
- I can learn French.
Just drink your tea.
Oh, come on.
No bullets! I told you I was sorry! No bullets! Can we please talk about this later? They're still shooting at us.
Oh, yeah? Must be nice for them!