Universal Basic Guys (2024) s01e01 Episode Script

1
Whoa is that like
a uh, Van Gogh?
Nah, nah Hank.
It's this girl on Etsy,
she does these like,
hysterical pet portraits.
I had her do one of Tammy's old
dog Rollins for her birthday.
Oh man that is
hysterical, Mark.
Tammy's gonna love it.
Yeah, I know.
I thought so, too.
But then I found out some
surgeon she works with
got her a freakin' $200 gift
card to some fancy spa.
Yo, that's no good, Mark.
He's clearly trying to bang her.
I know, right!
Who the hell does this
creep think he is, getting my
wife some overpriced woo woo
yoga crystal massage BS?
Ooh, that does sound kinda nice.
Yo this guy's good, okay?
She's gonna be all oiled up,
getting rubbed down,
all while thinking about
that doctor.
If you don't wanna
get cucked here,
you gotta get her
something real special.
Mimi go uppie.
Mimi go uppie!
Let's go, come on, uppie?
Never gonna happen,
Jinglebells!
Could you not?
I'm trying to build
her self - esteem.
I think she's a little
insecure around the
poodles at Doggy Daycare.
David, let me ask you something.
How would you feel if
some dude at Andrea's
work got her a $200 spa card?
Great.
She deserves it.
She works really hard.
Mark, you're asking a guy
who's getting alpha'd by
a fricken' foo foo dog.
I'm not being alpha'd.
I'm being a "supportive
girl dog dad".
I want her to feel dominant.
You know Mark, uh,
maybe you should surprise
Tammy with a new puppy.
Nah, nah, nah,
don't get her a dog.
If you really want to knock
her socks off, you should
get her an exotic pet.
The only thing women love
more than an exotic pet
is a man who knows how
to handle an exotic pet.
Oh, hell yeah!
Hank we're goin'
to the sketchy zoo!
[♪]
Well, I used to
work at a hot dog factory
Until them
robots came along
And now
there is no job for me
But I get
3,000 bucks a month
Thanks to UBI
Now we're
Universal Basic Guys
It may not
sound like much
But we're
still gonna try
We're just
Universal Basic Guys
Now this is how you zoo.
There's no rules. You got
the real plastic straws, you
got these untrained ex-cons
working with the animals.
I mean anything could happen
at this kind of place, okay?
You can literally see one
of these zookeepers
get their head ripped off.
Uhh, you sure these animals
should be pets, Mark?
Now, Hank, you gotta have the
vision with these things, okay?
Dogs weren't pets until
someone had the balls
to domesticate wolves.
Ooh, what about a baby tiger?
Now that's a cool pet.
Aw, Hank, baby tigers grow
up to become big tigers, pal.
Oh, hm.
You know, they should
make tigers
that stay small
like ponies.
Yeah, they're called House Cats.
Yeah, you should
get one of those.
Hank, I didn't drive eight
hours to an exotic zoo
to buy her a
fricken house cat.
I need something that's
gonna blow that
spa gift card
outta of the water.
Ooo yeah.
Monkey time!
Now we're talking.
Oh man.
I love a good monkey.
They just always seem so happy.
Tammy would go nuts
for a pet like that.
It's like a dog 3.0.
Woah, It's the guy from
the sign!
Doc Tropics. Welcome to my zoo.
Yo, this place is
incredible. Incredible.
Well, thank you.
Did you happen to catch
our junior tiger handler
getting her hand bitten off?
[siren]
Ooh boy, that was a show!
Aw damn, we missed it,
but you know, we're loving
these monkeys you got here.
Oh, yes. They're such
majestic creatures.
Let me ask you something.
How much uh,
one of these things go for?
Chimps usually run
around 60 grand.
Whoa, that's no joke.
You think you could do
something closer like,
I don't know,
three grand or something?
Huh, well I'll tell you what.
I do have one chimp who
might fit your budget,
but he's not exactly
in mint condition.
Okay, okay. That's not
bad, that's not bad.
Yeah he's uh something.
I think he was used in a few
minor medical experiments,
but don't worry, he was
mostly in the control group.
Hank, we gotta do this, right?
This thing's a freakin' steal!
Yeah, but aren't monkeys
like a lot of responsibility?
No, Hank.
They're highly intelligent,
self sufficient creatures.
Set it and forget it.
You sure Tammy's
gonna be into this?
Are you kidding me?
She's gonna be through the roof.
What the hell is this?
It's your new pet monkey!
Happy birthday!
[party horn]
You went and bought a
chimpanzee without asking me?
It's called a birthday
surprise, Tam!
I thought you wanted a pet.
Yeah, I wanted a dog.
Oh come on, Tam, a dog is
a low ceiling pet.
At best it can help a
blind person across the
street or smell a bomb
on a plane or something.
But a monkey That's
a HIGH ceiling pet.
Now just imagine you're watching
Summer House Reunion, you got
the monkey, it's wearing a funny
little outfit, it's serving you
White Claws, I mean, come on!
That's a dream pet
right there. [pop]
Oh my god!
Relax. It's fine,
it's fine, okay?
The guy showed me what to do.
You connect this thing to
the nerve thingy here back
here, and you just push until
you hear a suction sound.
[pop]
Boom. All good.
[pop]
Ah, crap.
So not only did you
buy a chimpanzee,
you bought a
sick chimpanzee?
Pfft! Okay,
that's all superficial.
This is a fixer upper!
[pop]
This is a fixer upper!
Mark, do you even understand
that chimps are like, WAY
too dangerous to keep as pets?
Like, this is no joke here!
What the hell are
you talking about?
They're like the friendliest
animals on the planet.
Yeah, until they rip
your friggin face off.
Pfft! This little sweetheart?
[screech]
Get outta here.
I'm going to work, Mark.
When I get back, this chimp
better be out of here.
Aw, don't take it
personally, monkey.
[pop pop]
Damnit, Hank.
Mimi!
Mimi, come on. Uppie!
Mimi go uppie!
Uh. It's okay. Maybe we
could just take a quick pic?
[click]
[typing]
[thud]
David help!
What the hell?
Mimi, stay.
Whoa!
Ah, um I'm gonna call 911.
No, no. Don't call police.
Snake is illegal.
What?
Oh of course it is. Uh
Wha wha what are
you doing with that?
I don't know.
I was gonna stab it.
Cut its head off or something.
No! No
You You can't kill it okay?
This this thing's worth
seventy five grand.
What!? What are you,
Britney Spears?
Who the hell owns
a $75 000 snake?
Some people enjoy
a high end exotic.
Oh, yeah. Seems like you're
really enjoying it.
Hey, could you just
friggin'help me get it off?
You know, maybe if you
showed it more affection,
it wouldn't try to kill you.
Here, let me try something.
Aw, there there. I know,
Some people don't understand
animals, or anything.
But look, I'm here and you're
loved. You're appreciated.
Oh my god.
[argh]!
Okay monkey, we only gotta
do this for a little bit
until we can teach you how
to use a big boy bathroom.
[screeching]
Come on just let me
Come on dude,
this is for your own good, okay?
All the pet monkeys on
YouTube wear diapers.
Uh, I don't know
if he's into this.
Come on, come on.
Relax, Hank, okay?
You just gotta establish
that I'm the alpha.
[rip]
Oh my god.
Hey Mark, it ripped
your face off.
Yeah, I'm aware, Hank.
[screeching]!
- Ah, I forgot my keycard.
Oh, crap. Tammy's back.
- Everything okay in there?
All good, hon!
[screeching]!
[bang]
[thud]
Okay, don't say anything
about the face, okay?
The last thing I need
is her raking me over
the coals right now.
Uh
Oh my god, it's dead!
I knew that poor thing was sick!
Tammy, it's just
taking a nap, okay?
Well, why is it still here?
- Relax, we're taking
it back, okay?
But not because it's
dangerous or rips off faces.
- Pfft, Ridiculous.
We're doing it because
I'm gonna to be the bigger man,
I'm going to respect
your decision.
Uh are you okay, Mark?
Why won't you look at me?
I'm fine I'm just I'm trying
to I'm trying to measure
something on the wall here
okay?
20 feet 30 feet
I got the 40 feet
Okay, this'll be the perfect
dimensions for the
uh for the, uh, wainscoting.
Ah, whatever, Mark.
Just get rid of it.
Ok here's the deal. That
son of a bitch sold us a lemon!
This monkey has fricken
rabies or something.
Okay, you're gonna take it
back to Doc Tropix
and get a refund, you got it?
You want me to do that
like by myself or?
Yes Hank, okay? I gotta go
to the hospital and
get my face fixed before
Tammy finds out.
Doesn't Tammy work
at the hospital?
Won't she uh, see you?
She's not gonna recognize me.
I got no face.
I'll just use a fake name.
Boom.
Okay, Mr. Rambo. So the
good news is your initial
facial reconstruction
was a success.
So my face is good to go?
No, no.
Your face how do I put this
in layman's terms,
is a mess.
We sewed you up and threw on a
pair of temporary lips so you
can eat, but you're going to
need extensive plastic surgery.
Hold on, hold on, what do
you mean temporary lips?
Do I got like some dead
guy's lips or something?
No, no.
Oh okay, cool. Phew!
We used tissue
from a pig scrotum.
[gag]
Alright, the nurse will be
in here shortly to
remove your bandages.
Appreciate it.
Mr. uh, Rocky Rambo.
Oh, geez.
How are you feeling today?
Hola! No hablo inglés.
Oh, do you want me to
bring in a translator?
Uh, es ok, es ok I
uh, I understand.
Ok.
So I'm gonna remove your
bandages and make sure
everything is healing before the
plastic surgeon examines you.
No, no!
No, no, I no ready!
I no ready!
Oh, it's okay.
Just hold still.
This'll be quick.
[rustling]
All done, Mr. Rambo.
The plastic surgeon
will be in shortly.
You're gonna love him.
He's the best.
Aw thanks, Tammy.
You're the best.
Happy birthday, by the way.
- Oh thank you.
- So, did you get
to the spa yet?
- Not yet, but I'm VERY excited.
You should be.
The place is incredible.
You're gonna get a facial
you'll never forget.
Alright, let's see
what's going on here.
Hmm looks like a
clean degloving.
Good news Mr. Rambo,
you're a perfect candidate
for a new experimental
procedure I pioneered.
All we need is a couple
pictures of you before the
accident, and then we 3D
print stem cells to create an
exact replica of your face.
- Okay, that sounds dumb.
Oh no. This new treatment
will be a game changer for
victims of car accidents,
severe burns or even
chimp attacks like yourself.
- Wait. Did you say
chimp attack?
- Yeah.
Probably not the best idea to
keep a chimp as a pet,
right Mr. Rambo?
Hmm. Hold on
[phone]
Oh my god.
Are you frickin' kidding me?
Mark?
You know Mr. Rambo?
He's my husband.
I don't believe it.
I told you that thing was
going to rip your face off.
Really? I'm sitting here with
no freaking face
and now you're gonna
bust my balls about it?
Did you really think I wasn't
going to find out that your
whole freaking face is missing?
Listen, I can probably do
this procedure right now.
Did you hear that, Mark?
You better thank your
lucky stars for Dr. Johnson.
He's gonna do the
procedure today.
Nah, I'm good.
What do you mean you're good?
Yeah, I don't need some weird
experimental surgery from
this friggin' bozo over here.
The hell you don't.
Have you seen your face?
Hm. Not bad, actually.
I actually think it gives
me a little uh, character.
You know what I mean?
Anyway, I got things to do.
I'll see you at home, Tam.
Argh Damnit!
[♪]
[humming]
[robotic voice]
Hello, Hank.
What the -?!
Monkey!
Ah! Please don't
rip off my face!
[typing]
Relax. Watch road.
Wait a minute.
Is that you?
Are you speaking, Monkey?
Yes.
What the heck?
Pull over.
Gas station.
Uh okay.
Why?
You need gas.
Oh, yeah.
And I need bananas.
I don't see what the
big deal is, Tam, okay?
A lot of cool dudes
have disfigured faces.
Yeah, like who?
Uh, the Phantom of the
Opera. Freddy Krueger.
I don't know if I would
consider Freddy Krueger
a cool dude, Mark.
Ok what about the uh,
The Kiss From a Rose guy?
Uh, what's his Seal!
He's got a messed up
face and he was married
to Heidi fricken Klum!
He's got a few scars.
Your face looks like the
Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
You know what?
I may be the one with the
messed up face, but you're
the one who's unrecognizable.
All the sudden you don't like
animals, you're going to fancy
spas, and now you're telling
me to get plastic surgery!
You know, no one else here
seems to care about my looks.
Yous all ready to order.
Oh god
I mean sorry hi.
Can I start you off with a face?
I mean, uh, can
I get you a face?
I mean can I face you a drink?
I mean
Can I just get a tomato soup
and a tuna melt? Thanks.
You want a face with that?
Sorry, I meant fries.
Do you want fries
with that face?
Yeah.
Okay. And do you
want that open-faced?
Alright, c'mon,
enough, alright?
No I actually
meant to ask that.
Oh. Ok sure.
Yeah and uh, let me
get the number five.
Mark, you got coffee
coming out of your cheek.
I'll get you some napkins.
Tam, it's all about
attitude, okay?
You see a hole in my
face, I see two mouths!
Oh yeah, and it's just
what I need on you:
two mouths.
Hey, one for talking,
one for eating, baby!
[robotic voice]
Relax, I no rip off face.
You ripped off my
brother's face.
He was mean jerk.
You are nice, beta.
No threat.
Oh thanks, yeah.
So like uh, when did you
get all smart and stuff?
Do not know.
Been in many
medical experiments.
I wish I was smart.
Knowledge is suffering.
Much I know, I would rather not.
So you excited to get back to
your old buddies at Doc Tropixs?
No. They will euthanize me.
What's wrong with that?
Don't you want to
be young again?
No, that's not what
euthanize mean.
They will put me to sleep.
Oh well, rest might be good
after these last few days.
No, Hank.
Doc Tropixs will kill me.
Wait, what!?
Why would he do that?
People no pay see
old, broken animal.
I be already dead if
you guys did not bang me.
Uh what?
Sorry. Autocorrect.
I'd be already dead if
you guys did not buy me.
Well if he's gonna kill you,
I'm not taking you there.
Is okay, Hank.
I am mess.
No family. No troop.
Too much time in tiny cage.
Injected with many medicine.
I have many disease.
Body hurt.
Eyeballs no stay in head.
Better for me to end.
Oh I don't know, Monkey.
Come on,
there's gotta be something
that brings you joy.
There is one thing I've
always want to do.
[happy music]
I get this.
Whoa. Where'd you get that?
I take from Doc pocket.
Here you take.
I don't know, Monkey.
Consider as refund
for broken pet.
I mean Mark did ask me
to get his money back.
No give to brother.
Money only for Hank.
Yeah but it's Mark's
money you know,
he paid for you
and everything.
For duck's sake Hank, no
spend life being used by others.
You gave me best day of life.
You deserve such day yourself.
Whoa, was this really the
best day of your life?
Yes. Well, up there
with time they
inject me with MDMA.
I don't think playing dead
is working, Jinglebells.
Well, that's because most
dead people don't talk!
You got better ideas?
Huh? Maybe call it a
snowflake over and over?
Would you chill?
Every time you freak
out, it squeezes harder.
Why couldn't you just get a
slow loris or a sugar glider?
There's plenty of illegal exotic
pets that aren't gonna EAT YOU!
Nah this is just kind of
territorial thing, okay?
They rarely eat humans.
Seems like it's trying to,
it just can't get past
your cankles.
Hey! Chronic edema is a
serious medical condition.
Okay so what do
these things eat?
Mostly small to
mid-size animals.
[door opens]
[barking]
Mimi no!
- Yes Mimi!
[barking]
[hissing]
[dramatic music]
Yes Mimi!
You go girl!
You got it!
Sorry, Mernft.
I know that snake
meant a lot to you.
Eh, not really. I was just
looking to flip the thing.
Anyway, it is what it is.
Life goes on.
Uh except for the 15 foot
deadly snake on the loose?
Nah. That thing will
be dead in a day.
Yes Mimi! Hi!
Oh, you're such a good girl!
[thud]
David
I was thinking, uh, you
know, maybe you could
come live with me.
I don't know, Hank.
I don't want to be
too much trumpet
Trouble.
No way, it'll be fun.
Maybe.
[yawn]
Hey, Monkey, uh, wanna
get some breakfast?
Hey, Monkey?
Monkey!
Monkey wake up!
Monkey!
Monkey, wake up!
Monkey, monkey. No!
No Monkey. No.
[sad music]
[digging]
[sad music]
[snoring]
[scream]
Ah what the hell, Tam?
Why can't you just love
me for who I am, okay?
This is my face now.
It's not about your face, Mark.
It's that you can easily fix it
and for some reason you won't.
Uh yeah. Because I'd
rather have a messed up
face than one fixed by
Dr. Fifty Shades of.
Grey's Anatomy who is clearly
trying to bang you!
Wait a minute I'm sorry, what?
Who the hell gets someone's
wife a $200 spa card, okay?
That's what this is about?
Yeah. It is.
What are you doing?
I'm sleeping on the couch
so you won't have to
look at me.
[sentimental music]
[click]
[typing]
[sentimental music]
[buzz]
Damnit.
Mark, what is this?
Eh nothing, it's just
some stupid birthday gift
I thought would be funny.
This is HYSTERICAL, Mark!
Yeah it is pretty
hysterical, right?
Hon, this is so
fricken thoughtful.
Why didn't you
just give me this?
I was going to, and
then uh you come in
all excited about
Dr. Sleezebag's little card.
Yeah I got 200 dollars, and
I'm like forget it,
I'll get you something else.
Are you kidding me?
This is way better than
some stupid spa card.
Besides, 200 bucks is like a 15
minute massage at that place.
But you know what the
best gift would be?
I don't know, baby tiger?
Dick's Sporting Goods
gift card.
No I want my husband's
handsome face back.
I mean I'm not gonna lie
It was pretty good face eh?
So will you get
the damn surgery?
This whole thing is absurd.
Yeah, I guess it is kind of
hard to eat wings
with a pig's sack for lips.
Oh, thank God.
Come here, you.
Wait a minute
when you say "pig's sack"
do you mean
oh, my god.
Well you can always
kiss the second mouth.
Come on, last chance
Yeah. No chance.
[phone vibrates]
And here's your banana smoothie.
Awesome.
Anything else I can get you,
Mr. Hoagies?
Yeah, you know what
Uh let me get one of them
uh, woo woo yoga
crystal massages.
You got it.
Oh yeah.
Whoops.
Hmm.
[licks]