W1A (2014) s01e01 Episode Script

Standby, two.
Mix through.
Cue on two.
The BBC has announced the appointment of ex-head of Olympic Deliverance Ian Fletcher as its new Head of Values.
Time now for the shipping forecast.
Superimpose It's a Monday morning, and one-time Head of London Olympic Deliverance Ian Fletcher is arriving in central London.
He's about to start a new chapter in his life.
It's a big change for me, obviously.
It's a big job.
A huge challenge.
A bit like the first day at big school.
I've splashed out on a new bike, though, just in case.
So that's all good.
He's come to New Broadcasting House in Upper Regent Street to take up his position as Head of Values at the BBC, a key and very senior new post, specifically created in the light of recent learning opportunities at the corporation.
Hi, Izzy.
It's Ian.
Hi.
So, I'm Ian Fletcher.
Yes, hi.
So, I'm actually in reception and Oh, right.
OK.
Well, not so far.
I mean, I've been here five minutes.
No, no.
That's fine.
Could you? That would be great.
OK.
No, don't worry.
That's fine.
OK, thanks.
Bye.
There's something about the place as soon as you come in.
You're aware that you're at the centre of something genuinely important, and the really exciting thing is to think that part of my job is going to be trying to establish where that centre is and also exactly what it's in the middle of.
Y'ello.
Yeah.
Hi, Izzy.
Hi.
How are you? Yeah, I am.
No, I mean, not.
No, I haven't, not actually.
Oh, right, cool.
OK, cool.
Yeah, good idea, yeah.
Say again? Yeah, yeah.
No worries.
I've got it.
You sent it to me.
Yeah, yeah.
OK.
Cool.
OK.
Bye-bye.
Bye - Hello? - Yeah, hi.
Is that Ian Fletcher? Yes, it is, yes.
Cool.
Yeah, so, I'm Will? - I'm like, I'm meeting you? - Yes.
So, like, where actually are you? Cos I'm, like, I'm basically here.
- Yes.
- So, I'm talking on the phone, uh, I'm looking round.
Still talking.
I'm looking.
Looking - Hi.
- No way.
Hello.
Ian Fletcher.
Yeah, hi.
I'm Will.
Except I've actually been here all the time.
- Yes, so have I.
- That's just, like - That's just, like, mental.
- Yes.
Yeah, cos I'm actually, like, an intern.
- Oh, right.
I see.
- Yeah.
- What does that involve, exactly? - Yeah.
Say again? You want to end up working in this area eventually? Well, do you mean, like like, as a job? Well, yes.
- Wha Yeah.
Cool.
- Yes.
Sixth floor.
What I'm doing is, I have to take you to Izzy.
Right.
And who's Izzy? What? She's, yeah, she's I mean, it's not like - A-ha! - Oh, hi.
Yes.
Simon.
- All hail the mighty Fletcher.
- Well, no.
Welcome to the madhouse.
- Yes.
- Simon Harwood is the BBC's Director of Strategic Governance and underneath it all is probably one of the corporation's most strategic directors.
- It's a good bike, by the way.
- Yes, thanks.
Yeah, cool.
So, yeah, we're going to see Izzy.
- Oh, no, that's OK.
- No, but I have to take him to Izzy.
Oh, no, that's fine.
I think Izzy was bringing him to me anyway.
Oh.
OK.
That's great, Will.
I'll take it from here.
Yeah, cool.
No worries.
- So - Yes.
What do you think of it so far? - Good.
Yes.
- Good.
You know, early days, but so far, so good.
- Are you OK with that like that? - Yes, no.
That's fine.
I've got one.
They're brilliant, aren't they? Yes, no, they're great, yes.
So, I'm looking forward to getting started and just generally No, I'm sorry.
I can't.
That's just not I can't just - Well, no, no, no.
I mean it's - It's probably better to start again.
Well, no, you Really, it's very easy.
It's just a knack.
Yes.
Can you just take that? Thank you.
So basically, it's just the back wheel.
Forward and under.
- Right, yes.
- And then you've got your front wheel.
There you go.
It's out and round.
Yes.
Round.
Yes.
- Just drop the saddle down.
- Yes, exactly.
- And there.
- Yes.
- Brilliant, aren't they? - Yes, they are.
Yes.
Thanks.
Listen, once you've got your bearings and everything, - be good to have a coffee.
- Right, yes.
- I mean, if you can be arsed.
- No, absolutely.
Come and find me.
I'm just past Norman Wisdom on the right.
Right.
I'll just get myself sorted out first.
Oh, yes.
Sure.
Probably should find my office and everything.
Yeah.
So, the question we asked ourselves is how would it be if things didn't have to be the way we know they actually are, yes? What would a world look like if it was different? New Broadcasting House was designed and built virtually from the ground upwards and there are regular Digital Handshake Sessions for new staff, today's run by Senior Technical Services Choreographer Adam Brady.
The whole point about Intuitive Technology, as opposed to Intelligent Technology, which is basically just lights going on and off in toilets, yes? The whole point about Intuitive Technology being that it comes pre-loaded into the building itself, OK? Welcome to your virtual PA.
One unified system that changes the game, integrates your world, syncs you with everything and everyone around you without you doing anything.
Syncs you to the BBC itself, in real-time, wirelessly, continuously, and in real-time.
11 years in development, guys, and everyone, I give you Syncopatico.
Fucking hell! And of course, the angle they're going with is, if Paxman can fall asleep on air, what's it like for the viewers? - Yeah, of course they are.
- And we're saying he wasn't asleep? We're saying he was concentrating on the answer he was being given.
Right, and who was he interviewing again? - Alex Salmond.
- Ah.
OK.
- Yes.
- I know, but that's what we're saying.
Right.
OK, good.
All righty.
Meanwhile, in Tommy Cooper, the daily Senior Team Damage Limitation Meeting, chaired by Director of Strategic Governance Simon Harwood, is already under way.
- Ah, right.
Good.
- Ah.
Thank God.
- Apologies, everybody.
- The great man.
First of all, the meeting wasn't in my Syncopatical, for some reason.
No, no, of course.
And then when Will came to find me, we ended up on the wrong floor.
- Didn't we, Will? - Yeah, totally, yes.
Mental.
- Yes.
Anyway, many apologies.
- No, no, no, come on in.
Actually, Will, would you just take that for me? Yeah.
Sure, no worries.
Cool.
So, I mean, what No, just take it.
- OK.
Cool.
- Thanks.
Brilliant.
I don't know whether you know everyone.
On the Damage Limitation Team, Ian will be joining Head of Output Anna Rampton, recruited last year from her role as Head of Daytime Factuality at ITV, current Controller of News and Current Affairs Neil Reid, Senior BBC Communications Officer Tracey Pritchard, who, as well as having been with the corporation for nearly 20 years, is also Welsh, and two other people.
So we've had the Independent and then the Telegraph has dug up this guy from Mebyon Kernow from somewhere.
- Yes, I saw that.
- Uhh.
From Cornwall, presumably.
Now, I'm not being funny or anything, but this guy is in all probability a total nutcase, OK? But his thing is, there aren't enough Cornish voices and faces on the BBC and that Cornish issues in general are under-represented.
- Yeah, bollocks.
- Brilliant.
Now, I don't know what's going on in the rest of his life but that's what he goes around thinking.
- Anyone? Any thoughts? - Two words.
Rick Stein.
OK, so what he's saying about Rick Stein is, he's saying we sent him off round China or, I dunno, - wherever we've actually sent him now.
- Is it China? - Uh Yeah.
- OK, well, wherever.
- India.
- Ah, yes, India.
Yes.
Anyway, his point is, we should have kept him in Cornwall, where he belongs, with his little dog and his Land Rover and whatever.
We gave China to Caroline Quentin last year at ITV, if you remember.
Oh, that's right, yes.
You so did.
Forgive me, but honestly, what the fuck are Cornish issues? I'm sorry, guys.
I'm not being funny or anything, but this is like finding a spot on your whatsit.
Brilliant.
Better to deal with it now than ignore it and see what happens.
I mean, I don't know.
Is this something you'd want to be across in terms of Values, Ian? - Yes.
- I'm just thinking No, absolutely.
Cos, if anything, it's probably more a Values issue - Yes.
you know, rather than - No, yes.
rather than anything else.
- Yes, no, I mean, yes, absolutely.
- Good.
Good.
So I should probably just mention that to Tony this afternoon.
Uh-huh.
OK, great.
Good-oh.
This is all going terribly well.
With a gap before his next meeting, there's time at last for Ian to explore some of the possibilities offered by the open-plan work environment in New Broadcasting House.
No, know exactly what you mean.
Well, I mean, you say that but the fact is, a few years ago, Alan Titchmarsh was voted the world's second sexiest man after George Clooney.
No.
I'm not, really.
You can look it up.
OK.
Look forward to hearing from you, Annabelle.
OK.
Bye.
Bye.
Hi.
Sorry, I don't want to disturb you.
I was just I wouldn't, if I were you.
Right.
Oh, right.
- They've been there for four days.
- Right.
I think he's in Drama.
Oh.
OK.
Well - Yes, he is.
Drama.
Yes.
- Yes.
Right, well, OK.
Well, thanks anyway.
Right.
You can use this one for a while, if you're desperate.
- Oh well.
- I shouldn't really.
I mean, are you sure? I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it up.
Typical.
Oh, right.
Well, thanks.
Thank you.
- Sorry, I won't disturb you any more.
- That's OK.
- But I have to ask - Sure.
that thing about Alan Titchmarsh - Right, yes.
- That's not actually true, is it? - Yes.
- No, it's not.
- It is, yes.
- But I mean - What, you more of a Clooney man? - What? No, well, but that's - It was a survey.
Well, who the hell was voting? I don't know.
Maybe it was out of two.
Producer Lucy Freeman has been with the BBC for eight years, and as such is both an experienced producer and still there.
Following an unforeseen rationalisation within her department, she's recently been invited to work on the sorts of programmes she never dreamed she'd be invited to work on when she originally joined.
I think we're almost there with Alan now, aren't we, David? - Yeah.
- Which is good, obviously.
Lovely Alan.
Britain's Tastiest Village has been theoretically devised by Entertainment Format Producer David Wilkes, and is to be theoretically hosted by the dream team of Alan Titchmarsh and Clare Balding.
It's been commissioned by Head of Output Anna Rampton, and she's asked David and Lucy into her orbit for an update.
We've done the deal.
- David? - Pretty much, yeah.
- We haven't done the deal.
- Yeah, pretty much.
I left a message with his agents earlier.
Right.
Cool.
The fact is, we need Alan locked in by now.
Yeah, no, it's fine.
It's like Alan's - just totally cool about everything.
- Yes I think he's a lot happier in his life now, basically.
Shit, can you tell Danny I can't - do Friday? - Sure.
Yep.
- OK.
What about Clare? - Right.
Lovely Clare.
Yes, so where are we up to with Clare now, David? OK, so, with Clare, it's just a bit more, it's like - A bit more what? - OK, can I just say, OK, this is so not our fault.
But there's bad news.
The dates of How Big Is Your Dog? A major new ITVshow to which Clare Balding is already committed, have changed at the last minute, due to genuinely bad luck.
just piss-poor bad luck.
- So you're telling me what? - Basically, we love Clare - Yes, but David I said to her on the phone, "If I had my way, Clare, you would literally be Queen.
" Mind you, she pretty much already is and she was like, "Oh, shut up.
" - Tuesday's gone away now, right? - Yep, gone.
Good.
OK.
You're telling me we've lost Clare Balding.
Uh, well, we I mean, if what David's saying is true, and I'm hearing it for the first time now, then it does look as if we might have lost Clare, doesn't it? - Right.
- I know.
It's not words you ever want to hear.
Apparently, OK, the most common last word that pilots - say before they crash, right, is "shit".
- Can you shut up? - Yes.
Can you please shut up, David? - Yes, all right.
- Come on in.
- Thanks.
Excuse the mess.
So there is such a thing as an office, then? No, sadly not.
No door.
Well, it looks pretty much like an office to me.
What it is, technically, is an Interactive Space.
- Right, is it? - If anyone's interested.
Right.
Well, I suppose we'd better do some interacting quick, then.
Absolutely.
Have a seat, if you can be bothered.
- You know Ben and Jerry, don't you? - The Hi.
I know.
Real names.
What are the chances? Director of Strategic Governance Simon Harwood has invited Ian into his Interactive Space for an informal chinwag.
just to get a sense of how you wanted to play things and what all our lives are going to be like in the Fletcher era.
Yes.
Well, I mean, with Way Ahead - Yep.
- I've done some thinking, obviously.
Great.
See? A key part of Ian's new role as Head of Values is to establish a new Way Ahead Task Force, with a remit to think Big Thoughts and to clarify the purpose of the BBC in a digital age.
I mean, I don't know whether you had a chance to look at the Pathfinding document.
- The - Ah, OK.
- You haven't seen that.
- Have we seen that? - Nope.
- Apparently I haven't seen it.
Sorry.
OK.
Cos I did put it in the Shared Priorities Folder in Syncopatico.
- Oh, right.
OK.
- At least I think I did.
- You haven't got anything on paper.
- Paper? - Yep.
- Uh, cos Oh, no, it's in my Personal Folder, - so there must be a way of - Oh, I tell you what happens now.
This is where Izzy comes in.
She does something brilliant - and everything's lovely again.
- OK.
With the renewal of the BBC's Royal Charter, on which the future of the corporation depends, due in 2016, finding an answer to the question '"What is the BBC for? '"before then could potentially be important.
Thank you, Izzy.
You OK for coffee? Yeah, fine, thanks.
Maybe later.
- OK.
- Right, good.
So, no, yes, it's obviously very much - big-picture stuff at this stage - Brilliant.
But as well as thinking about what the BBC is for, it's clear that Simon is also keen to think some Big Thoughts about Cornwall.
So what I thought was No, brilliant.
And when it comes to this bloody Trescott guy Right, OK.
I mean, that's a different, uh Yeah, what are your thoughts on that? What do you think we should do? Right.
I suppose my thinking is, with that, sometimes it's a good idea to reach out to these people, rather than - Brilliant.
you know, to make them feel - they've been listened to and - You think you should meet him.
Yes, I mean Get him up from Cornwall and get him in here.
- Well, obviously that's something I've - God.
That is amazing.
Have you been talking to Tony about this? - Tony - Tony.
Director General guy.
Yes, no, of course.
- No, I haven't, but in fact - Cos Tony is the king - of the personal approach, isn't he? - Mm-hm.
- One thing I have been thinking - Yep.
It would be good to sit down and have a coffee with Tony myself at some point.
- Yes.
Absolutely.
- I mean, if that's possible.
- No, I think that's a great idea, Ian.
- Right.
No, we should definitely think about that.
Mm-hm.
- Carol.
- This is Anna Rampton, Head of Output.
- Yes.
- Hello.
And David Wilkes, Producer and Format Originator.
- Hi.
- I know we haven't started yet, but can I just say, I never want this lunch to end.
Meanwhile, elsewhere, it's a different day altogether and somewhere in central London, Anna Rampton, David Wilkes and Lucy Freeman are meeting Carol Vorderman for salad.
I mean, I suppose basically, in a nutshell, you could say I mean, David, do you want to talk about? No, that's cool.
Go for it.
Right, I suppose you could say it's sort of Countryfile meets Bake Off.
- OK.
- Yeah, with a bit of The One Show thrown in, just in case.
- Absolutely, yes.
- We're like, - no-one's ever actually done this before.
- No, I'm not I'm not surprised.
With Anna due to formally announce Britain's Tastiest Village next week, they know that after the unavoidable loss of Clare Balding, this is their chance to save the show and change the face of Sunday evening television, for either better or worse.
And then it's like, well, which is better? Your schoolkids' sandwiches in Sandwich - Yes.
or Alan's old people's Eccles cakes in Eccles? - Hmm, yes.
- But Sandwich is a town.
It isn't a village.
Yeah, but for us, it's sort of a village.
Obviously Thanks.
Obviously, David's still finalising the details.
Yes, obviously.
But we just thought, we know it's a long shot, - but this is a big show for us.
- No, I don't want this.
- Oh.
But - I don't want it.
OK.
So, yes, so we just found ourselves thinking, "I wonder if there's "any way in the world we might be able to - "get Carol Vorderman interested.
" - Yeah.
- OK.
- You know, cos to have Carol Vorderman on the BBC, in prime-time, finally.
That would The fact is we'd love you to do this show, Carol.
I mean, I'm not going to let myself think about it.
I can't We also think it would be really great for you.
- Mm, yes.
- I mean, for me, it's like, me, in a restaurant, with Carol Vorderman.
I'm like, "Guys, please, whatever happens, it's enough.
It's enough.
" - Nigel.
- Hi.
Meanwhile, back in W1A, Mebyon Kernow bigwig and Cornish éminence grise Nigel Trescott has arrived at New Broadcasting House in order to be taken seriously.
You name me one Cornish newsreader or presenter or whatever In his time with Mebyon Kernow, Nigel has tasted defeat in no less than seven separate Cornish by-elections, so if anyone knows what he's talking about, it's him.
hardly turn on your TV nowadays without some - bloody Scottish person yacking on.
- Yes.
Usually women.
If Ian's job is to make him feel he's being listened to, the initial challenge is to find somewhere in the building where fewer people can hear him.
big hairy Geordies.
- Yes.
You've got gays in just about every conceivable position imaginable, - you don't know where to look.
- Hang on a minute.
No, that's perfectly fine, Ian, absolutely fine.
I'm sorry, I'm going to have to I got at least one son who's a gay already and the other one is thinking about it.
Well, I mean, just see what happens in here.
Right, no, that That's something else.
- First of all, I'm not stupid, OK? - Yeah.
Well, exactly.
I've been in the industry a long time.
- Obviously, yes.
- Oh, yeah, ages.
Meanwhile, in the restaurant with Carol Vorderman, things have now moved beyond salad to the nitty-gritty phase of the lunch.
Someone's dropped out, haven't they? I'm guessing it's Clare Balding.
It usually is, at the moment.
- Well, that's - That's OK.
But before we go any further Right, yes.
Alan Titchmarsh - Yes.
- He's actually attached? - Well, he It's - Pretty much, yeah.
Well, though I think what we I'm not drinking this coffee, it's vile.
Is he attached or not? Well, he Yes, he is.
Yes.
Basically.
- He is? - Yes.
- Pretty much.
Yeah.
- Right.
OK.
I have to tell you, Alan's very excited about working with you.
He's excited? The two of you together.
I mean, hot! It's downright dangerous.
Actually, could he shut up? - Yes, could you shut up, please, David? - Absolutely.
Yep.
Yes.
I think the first thing to say is, I'm so glad you've taken the trouble to come in to see us today.
No, you're not.
Don't be stupid.
I'm a pain in the ass, I know I am.
Well, it's very much my arse that You know, I mean you've come to the right I've come to the right ass? Back at New Broadcasting House, Ian has finally taken up a position with Nigel Trescott.
The point is, it's absolutely there for you to be a pain in.
Right, so how do we go on from here? Well, I hear what you're saying, Nigel.
I'm going to make it my business to get on top of this.
Yeah, you say that And I'm going to come back to you with some sort of response.
Yeah, you did the Olympics, didn't you? Well, I wouldn't say I personally How many Cornish athletes in the Olympics? That's a rhetorical question.
- How many? - Sorry, I thought it was a rhetori - Four.
Yes.
- Four.
Right.
They all lost.
Every single one of the buggers.
Right, well, that wasn't really my area.
Ah Course it didn't.
Cornwall never bloody is, is it? Eight o'clock on another morning.
Ian has now been in his new job for nearly two weeks.
- Morning.
- Hi.
- Forward with Fletcher, eh? - Yes.
Hi.
With his honeymoon period at last behind him, today is a big day.
This morning sees the first ever meeting of the Way Ahead Task Force, with Ian in the chair.
- Glad I caught you, actually.
- Oh, right? For what it's worth, I think you've put together a really rather wonderful team.
Well, I hope so.
And on that subject I usually go saddle next.
- Yes, thank you.
- On that subject, I was going to forward you an e-mail from Tony, but then I thought, "No, sod it.
It's good news.
I'll tell him myself.
" Good news? - Rather fabulous news, actually.
- Right.
- You going up, eventually? - Yes.
Good-oh.
No, I think we're announcing it at lunchtime or something but we may have to find one more chair - around the Way Ahead table.
- One more chair? That's if we can find a room with any chairs at all.
We should be so lucky! - I've booked Frankie Howerd.
- Oh, brilliant.
- One more chair? - Yes.
Sixth floor.
- So, you know what Tony's like? - Well, still no, actually.
He has these very clear ideas and he acts on them.
Right, yes.
And his current thinking is "Brand BBC".
- Yes.
Is it? - Yep, so his thinking is, we've already got the guy who did the Olympics.
Tick.
- Right.
- And London Twenty Twelve was about the most successful brand - in the history of brands.
- Where is this going? So why don't we find out who did that and let's get them too? Tick.
Sorry, sorry, Simon, so what are you actually telling me? Oh, you've already got Fred Astaire.
What do you do? You get Ginger Rogers.
No, but OK, here's the thing with BBC Four, OK No, shut up.
The thing with BBC Four is, it's like a Marmite channel, OK? And the thing with Marmite is, it's like no-one eats that shit, OK? No, Fran.
OK, don't care.
Shut up.
Got to go.
OK.
OK.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Ian, hey! You know Siobhan, of course.
This is going to be so fun.
Brilliant.
For Ian, the first ever Way Ahead meeting is a key opportunity to consolidate whatever authority he might have in his new job as well as to think some Big Thoughts.
Will Can you do something for me? Yeah, sure.
Yeah, cool.
If you've got a minute, would you be able to go down and get me a cappuccino? Cool, yeah.
You know, a proper one from downstairs? - Yeah, no, a latte.
- No, a cappuccino.
OK, yeah.
And then if you could bring it in to me in the meeting - Right.
What, so - No, it's fine, just Just knock and walk in.
That's all.
You don't need to say anything.
- OK.
- Thanks, Will.
That'd be really great.
Just come in? - Yes.
- Cool.
- I'll settle up with you afterwards.
- Yeah, no worries.
- Great.
- A cappuccino.
Yes.
OK, cool.
Well, first of all, welcome, everybody, and welcome to the first ever Way Ahead Task Force Group.
- Yay.
- I suppose I could say, really, welcome to the future.
- Amen.
- Amen.
Guys, we are so going to kill here.
Of the many meetings he's been to in his first two weeks at the BBC, this is one where Ian finally has the chance to put the value of Values literally on the agenda.
There's one word that I want us to take with us on the journey and to set the tone for everything we do.
That word is confidence.
- Confidence.
- Brilliant.
- Sure.
- Christ.
There are going to be challenges ahead, of course there are, but we are fortunate enough to be sitting at the centre of the greatest broadcasting organisation - arguably one of the greatest ideas - in the world.
- BBC, BBC - Yes, exactly.
And as we embark on this journey, I feel it's a good time to remind ourselves of that.
- Fuck! - OK, good.
And in the spirit of And in the spirit of thinking Big Thoughts, I just wanted to outline in broad strokes what I think are some of the - Yes, just some of the key - Ah, righty-ho.
Right, some of the Sorry, Ian.
We've got to do this.
- Right.
- Brilliant.
OK, here we go.
BBC's nightly regional news programme Spotlight South West since the mid '90s, but despite repeated attempts, Sally Wingate has never made the step up to national bulletins.
I'll be back on Monday with Nick, and hopefully more on how those badgers are getting on.
Now she says she believes that could be down to the corporation's institutional anti-West Country bias.
- What? - Bollocks.
I mean, nothing's ever said, but it's almost as if the accent alone is enough, which when you think about it is doubly unfair because I've never had a West Country accent and I'm not actually from Cornwall.
So do you feel you've been discriminated against? Yes.
I suppose I do feel that.
Yes.
Mebyon Kernow's Nigel Trescott says there's nothing about Sally Wingate's story that surprises him.
There's nothing wrong with being Cornish.
It's not something to be ashamed of.
- Oh, right.
Here we go.
- Alistair, what the fuck? there's nothing wrong being a woman either.
Fact is, if you're a woman and you're from Cornwall and you work for the BBC Yeah, OK.
Thank you.
Shut up.
you might as well pack up and go home.
- No, bollocks, Alistair.
I'm coming down.
- Right.
This is our own.
This is the BBC News Channel, for fuck's sake.
Not Kamikaze fucking Corner.
- Right.
OK.
- Bummer.
So, that's happened.
Brilliant.
- Hi, Will.
- But, yeah, hey, yeah.
- You OK? - Yeah, cool.
So, yeah I'm just going down to that cafe on the ground floor.
OK.
I was thinking, if you wanted anything - Oh, right.
- I'm getting Ian Fletcher a cappuccino.
No, I don't think so, really.
No.
- OK.
- I'm good, thank you.
- OK, cool.
- But thank you.
Yeah, no worries.
Cool.
- Actually, do you know what? - Yeah, hi.
- I will have a skinny latte.
- Cool.
Yeah.
Cappuccino.
- No, a latte.
- Yeah, cool, yeah.
- If you're sure.
- Yeah, cool.
Yeah.
A latte.
Yeah, cool.
So, guys, so here's the thing with this.
So what you're looking at here is a major Brand Message Dropout.
- What? - Yes, OK.
Thanks, Siobhan.
No, all I'm just saying is, you don't triage this thing now, you're so going to be up to your ass in alligators here.
- Yes, thank you.
- Meanwhile back in Frankie Howerd, such is the gravity of the situation that they've now been joined by Head of Output Anna Rampton, which means things have got very serious indeed.
There's already been an e-mail from BBC Director General Lord Tony Hall asking for clarification on the corporation's handling of the Sally Wingate issue.
- What we need here is a strategy.
- Yes, exactly, yes.
Brilliant.
So, Ian, what's your thinking? - Well - Where's your gut on this? With strategy, I suppose I'm mindful that that's actually your area, Simon.
Oh, now, pish.
- Don't want to tread on anyone's - No, nonsense.
Tell us what to do.
I mean, Anna, obviously - Programmes isn't my area.
- No.
Will, yes.
So forgive me, I just want to put this out there for discussion.
Yes, Will, it's fine.
Come in.
Thanks, Will.
That's great.
It's cappuccino.
- Yes, great.
- Yeah, OK.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
No, it's cool.
Crap.
Great, so, yes.
No, Anna, I was just thinking, is there something we might be able to find for Sally Wingate that might actually - Right, yes.
Good.
- Flog It! - No.
- Snog, Marry, Avoid.
- Well, yes, or - I so love that show.
Yes, or I don't know, some sort of Bake Off - Yes, good, very strong.
- Springwatch.
- Well, now - Good.
Badgers in Cornwall.
There's all your problems solved in one go.
- OK, OK, OK, Loose Women.
- Yes, so that's an ITV show.
- Perfect.
- I mean, Anna, might it be worth thinking about Britain's Tastiest Village? - No.
- Now you're talking.
I'm sorry.
I mean, if it's a new show we've got coming through anyway The fact is, Village is appointment-to-view television.
But might it be worth considering for a moment? - No.
- No, OK, right.
No, it's not.
OK, so we can be confident about that and take that straight off the list of possible solutions to worry about.
- Yes.
- So that's all good.
- Cool.
- And so we move on.
Brilliant.
OK, so Now back to preferences.
OK.
- No, preferences.
- Oh, OK.
Keyboard.
Yep.
Um Shortcuts.
- Yeah.
Now, services.
- Right.
And there you go, capture full screen.
Cool.
Yeah, and you can just assign whatever you like.
Oh, right.
No, OK, I see.
- That is so neat.
- Yeah.
I mean, this is such bad luck for you, this, honestly.
Well, I mean For me? You must be thinking, "I've barely got my feet under my desk.
" I mean, haven't got a desk to put any feet under yet.
No, I know.
Yes, brilliant! Outrageous.
But broadcasting is a world lived in real-time.
And whatever that means, by the end of the day, events have already been overtaken by other events.
Yes, right, cos I'm not being funny or anything, but it's genocide in the Press Office, and not in a good way.
There's now been an e-mail from Lord Chris Patten, Chair of the BBC Trust, asking for an urgent response to Director General Lord Tony Hall's earlier e-mail seeking clarification on the BBC's treatment of Sally Wingate.
and she's come up with this frankly rather brilliant idea.
I don't know about brilliant, but I don't mind saying I'm quite pleased with it.
- Hold on to your hat.
- Woman's Hour.
- Woman's Hour? - I know.
- Right.
- It's joyous.
I've got you on tomorrow, with Jenni Murray.
- Got me on? - Tony actually sent me a smiley face.
- Did he? - Cos when you think about this, it is actually the perfect forum.
- Wait a minute - I took a bit of a flier with it.
- Well, yes! - I know Helen, the producer.
I know some people find her a bit frightening, but I personally don't take any nonsense from her and I can't speak for her, obviously, but I think she respects me for that.
Brilliant.
What about asking me, though? - Asking you? - Yes.
No, they don't need to, Ian.
I said yes on your behalf.
Right.
I see.
I hope that's all right.
Yes.
No, that's fine.
But what am I actually saying? Oh, right, yes.
Very good.
I'm not being funny or anything, Ian, but this is serious.
I know it is.
We're dealing with what's in front of us.
This is in front of me.
We are in emergency mode here.
I've got you Jenni Murray.
You'll have time to think about what you want to say on the train up - and I'll be there to help with that.
- The train up where? All you need to do right now is decide whether you want to go up tonight, or catch the early train in the morning.
Manchester? Gah, no! Bad luck.
Lan, welcome to Woman's Hour.
It's very good to be here, Jenni.
Thank you.
So I'm standing there and I get, like, a text and I look down and it's Clare Balding.
So, that's Dame Clare Balding, OK.
- But Carol's in this morning.
- I know.
It's a nightmare.
- I'm sorry, Siobhan, you can't do this.
- De nada.
No, do you know what? I don't want a bloody coffee, thanks.
- No, she doesn't want that.
- No.
Enjoy the, you know enjoy your water.
I'm not being funny or anything, but I think we might have a bit of a situation on our hands here.