Walking and Talking (2012) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 Alright.
I'm Kath.
I'm 14, nearly 15, and I'm a punk, new wave, suedehead, skinhead sort of thing.
I like all music except heavy metal and love songs.
I love Jimi Hendrix, even though he's heavy rock.
My favourite song is X Offender by Blondie.
I'm not into them as much now cos everyone likes 'em since Sunday Girl.
It gets on me nerves that everyone else knows who they are.
My favourite telly programmes are Top of The Pops, Porridge, 7 Up and Play for Today.
The best Play for Today is It's about Scouse kids on a school trip who nick some animals.
It's really funny.
My favourite film is Kes.
It's been on the telly twice.
I've seen it twice and read the book twice, but the book's called A Kestrel For A Knave By Barry Hines.
My favourite book is There is a Happy Land by Keith Waterhouse.
It's about this little from up north and a fella who's brain damaged.
It's hilarious.
I'd like to be an actress when I leave school, but I'm, still waiting to get in a drama club up the Angel.
I've been on the list since I was 12, so gawd knows if that's gonna happen.
I'm in the Unit at school, a room in the playground for the dumbos.
Miss James says I can't be an actress cos I ain't got the looks, so I'll be a music journalist and start my own fanzine.
I love sausage rolls from the ABC.
But I 'ate dogs, wasps, pigeons, Thatcher and nuns.
And I hate my dad when he's drunk.
I have loads of best mates, but my favourite mate is Mary, cos she's kind and nice and doesn't take the mick like all the others do.
I get picked on cos me mum's dead, so there's no-one to stick up for me.
I'm always being told I talk to much and get on people's nerves, I just put on Polystyrene and X-Ray Spex and it makes me feel better.
Some people think little girls should be seen and not heard But I think Oh, bondage, up yours! 1-2-3-4! Flipping Fat Ashley! Don't look too bad.
Why do I always get the blame? Scratch and a bruise.
I didn't say anything about her mum.
I know, but - I don't even know her.
I know.
I wouldn't say things about people's mums.
I know it's wrong.
You did say she was fat.
I didn't.
I asked if she was fat.
I asked if Fat Ashley's mum was fat cos I was curious if she was fat cos her mum's fat or just cos she was fat.
But that little cow Roma turns nasty.
She's a nuisance.
Pint-size piss! Cor! She's taken a cut right out me nut! You alright? I've been worse.
My head hurts more than me head.
The injustice fills me with such despair, Mar.
I can't ask a simple bleeding question.
We walking home or getting the bus? We're walking, I ain't got no fare.
My Aunty Jean, not my aunt my foster mum, asked me why I'm fat while all other kids are skinny.
You're not fat! I'm not fat fat like Fat Ashley, but I'm fatter than most.
Stocky.
My Aunty Jean says she gave us all the same food, all the same amount, yet I'm still fatter than her real kids.
That's why I asked about Fat Ashley's mum.
I've seen photos of my mum and she doesn't look fat fat, but she's got a big bum and a double chin.
That's why I asked if Fat Ashley's mum was fat, I didn't say she was fat, I asked.
Is your dad fat? He's fat from booze.
My dad's got a beer belly.
My dad's got a beer arse, neck and legs.
Go on, do your dad.
I'm not fat! Why would you call me fat?! I'm your daddy! I love ya! It's my name on the fecking rent book! Aw! What d'you mean stocky? What? I'm stocky? Yeah, I'd say you were stocky not fat.
You do eat a lot.
Eh?! You eat a lot don't ya.
Do I? You eat more than me.
Everyone eats more than you.
Apart from Camilla who pukes everything up.
You always have breakfast at mine even if you've had breakfast at home And you're always too early.
How am I too early?! I'm still in bed when you knock.
Mum says it's cos you want another breakfast.
What?! Ah, that's such a show up, guy! No, it ain't.
My mum don't mind.
Bet she thinks I'm a right ponce.
No.
My mum likes you, she thinks you're funny.
Does she? She likes your jokes.
She don't like the rude ones.
No.
Remember me telling her the one about the priest and the cat's arse.
I thought she was gonna have a heart attack! Don't use such language in this house.
That's very naughty.
You're a very rude girl! A very rude girl! Jesus, Mary and Joseph! I'll be lighting a whole heap of candles! She don't know the half of it.
My dad says you can shock a docker.
No?! What's a docker? A hard-nut bloke from up north.
Blimey! You know when we did that Who Do You Love test? Yeah.
How many out to ten did the boys give me for looks? I can't remember.
Yeah, you can.
Come on, how many did I get? Two.
That's alright, two.
I was a bit gutted, I'll admit.
But how many did they give me for personality? Seven.
Seven?! Flip off! It was ten.
Was it? Yeah! Ten out of ten for personality! The boys like me, not in a snogging way, I know that.
In the personality way they think I'm great.
Ten out of ten.
So why are some people fed up with me? I dunno.
I think some people wish I would just die and come back as Marie-bleeding-Osmond.
I know people think I'm rude.
Only adults think that, people our age don't.
I think you've got a funny voice.
What d'you mean? You know, your voice, the way you say things.
Nah, I dunno what you're on about.
You've got a deep voice.
Like a boy sort of.
It's not that deep, man! It's not deep like that girl in second year with a 'tasche, but you sort of sound boysy.
Brilliant! There's something else you should know.
What? You won't get the hump, will ya? I'm telling you cos it's important.
What? I won't get the hump.
When we did the love test, you went home after.
Yeah.
Well, I hung around for a bit to have a fag and a chat and that older boy, Larry something.
Larry Bellford.
That's it! Larry Bellford.
Well, he came over to say hello and asked what we'd been doing.
He spoke to ya? Yeah.
He's 18.
Is he?! Yeah.
Anyway? Anyway, he asked what we'd been doing, so we showed him the test.
You didn't?! Yeah.
He was having a right laugh looking through 'em, but being nice.
He weren't taking the mick.
Right.
He wanted to know who yours belonged to.
You didn't tell him.
They're meant to be a secret.
No, I didn't tell him, but he said, "Two out of ten for looks and seven" Ten out of ten.
Sorry.
"Ten out of ten.
Interesting.
" "Very interesting.
This chick needs to sort herself out cos no-one what to bunk up a nice personality.
" What?! Did he really say that? Yep! Flipping hell! What did you say? Well, nothing.
Ah, man! It's only what he thinks.
He don't know everything.
He's 18, Mar, course he knows everything.
He goes to pubs and gigs and meets up with loads of birds, he's bound to know all about it.
Suppose.
Did you tell him I'm a bit special, though? Did you say I'm like really, really funny.
I didn't say anything.
Why not? I got too shy.
Ah, this is a flipping disaster! He wasn't being 'orrible! He thought Ruby's test was worse, cos she got -3 for look and nothing for personality.
Yeah! You're right.
She got nothing for her boy and I got 2.
5 for mine.
That's right! You know my dad drinks a bit, don't ya? Yeah.
Well, sometimes he can just disappear.
If he's on a bender, we don't see him for days and don't get dinner.
That's why I have to store up food like a squirrel so me belly's full.
Don't say anything to anyone.
I won't.
The other night I went to Claire McCormack's and her mum does a thing called French toast.
D'you know it? No.
It's just fried eggy bread, but it was amazing.
They've got a piano! Have they? Yeah, but they ain't got a telly.
What?! I couldn't live without a telly.
I wouldn't know what to do with myself.
Imagine not being able to watch Top of the Pops.
It was smashing last night, great craic.
There was a chap on there playing the guitar with the most beautiful head of hair.
His earrings were four little dangly mirrors.
He had on an all-in-one catsuit with snakes swirling up the legs.
Snakes! Can you believe that?! Huh.
I'd love to now what colour it was.
By the looks of it, I'd say it was a yellow or pink because it was light and shade.
It's all guess work until we get the new television.
Imagine being able to see the colours of the jockey silks on race days, won't that be marvellous? And the Eurovision Song Contest! Imagine what that's gonna look like in colour.
A spangling spectacle for the eyes as well as the ears.
Frankie Valli was on the Pops last night.
He looks great for his age! He must be in his forties and not a grey hair.
And he has got the most beautiful suntan.
Vanity is a terrible trait in a man.
Do you not think he's lovely looking? I do not! He has a divine singing voice, glorious and high.
He sings like the angels.
Sounds like he's got a hot poker up the arse.
Don't be a meany.
I love the Americans, I think they're great.
All the best show-business people are Americans.
Really? Yes.
Are you sure about that? I am.
I think.
Why? What about the Boney M? What about them? You love them, the Boney M.
I do.
They're my favourites.
That little fella has god in his legs.
And do you think they're American? I do.
They are.
They're not.
Are they not? No.
They're German.
German? That's correct.
They're German.
They're from Germany.
The country where the biggest human atrocity known to man took place.
.
The country whose leaders sat down and took tea with the devil himself.
The country where your favourite rock 'No.
roll band were born! Germany! I'm devastated! I thought you might be.
You see, you should pay closer attention, sister.
Don't just be liking any old band willy-nilly.
There could be hidden messages in those songs you merrily bob along to.
Do your fecking homework! Change sides! Come on, what's the matter with ya? Green that way, ya eejit.
Give me the fecking ball! You know that Larry Bellford? Yeah.
Is he really 18? I think so.
He could be older but he's got a baby face.
D'you think he's nice looking? He's OK, I suppose.
He's not my type, I don't like perms.
Has he got a girlfriend? Dunno.
I know he went out with Bernie Cavin and he broke her in, but that ended ages ago.
He caught her snogging another bloke up the alley by the offy.
Blimey! She's such a tart, guy.
She's been out with half the blokes from that estate.
Here, they call her Kentucky cos she's finger-licking good.
Oh, my God! Bad, innit.
That's awful! Was he upset when it finished? Heartbroken.
Cried apparently.
Oh! Think it's a bit daft meself.
I don't think blokes should cry, especially not over some strumpet.
Maybe he loved her.
He loved her taking her knickers off for him that's why they all love her.
I'm gonna keep me legs shut for as long as possible.
Me, too.
Do you ever goes to the Wimpy on Upper Street? Nah, it's really expensive.
I can't be eating stuff like that, not if I'm on a diet.
When are you on a diet? From now.
I ain't gonna eat any more chips or crisps or burgers or any sweets or chocolate.
I'll just have mash, French toast, cottage cheese and cucumber.
I don't wanna be a fat bird.
Hey, fatty bum bum Sweet sugar dumpling Hey, fatty bum bum Let me tell you something No, not because you're so big and fat Don't believe I'm afraid of that A safe place is no recommendation I'm looking for Oh, flipping 'eck! What? Don't look.
W-w-what? That bloke coming towards us.
Yeah, what about him? He's Jimmy The Jew.
Don't look at him! He's really barmy army.
Hey, you.
You! What? You.
I'm talking to you.
Whatcha want? Don't! Not you, you! Who's ewe, the sheep's mother?! Gis us a cigarette.
I haven't got one.
Come on, ya wee moo cow, gis us a cigarette.
Don't call me a moo cow, guy! Not you, you! I ain't a moo cow either and I ain't got no cigarettes.
Liar! Gis us a cigarette or I'll smash your teeth down your throat.
I'll tell my dad if you do.
My dad knows where you drink.
Oh, yeah? And where's that then, mastermind? Up the Black Bull with all the other Jock-Jocks.
Who's your dad? Galway Pat with the broken nose.
And you've been round me house.
Galway Pat with the broken nose? Are you his baby? Well, yeah, I suppose.
Yeah, he's me dad.
I'm so sorry.
Don't be daft.
I remember you, you're the lassie who made me a sandwich.
Remember making me a sandwich? And you were so kind to me.
Remember how I mistook you for your brother? And remember I couldn't eat the sandwich because of my faith.
Remember how fascinated you were by that? Fascinated! Yeah! I'm so, so sorry! That's alright.
Don't worry about it.
No, here take this.
Here, take this.
Oh, no.
No, you're alright.
Take that and buy yourself some sweeties.
Yeah? Thanks.
And get yourself a can of Coke.
Or maybe you could buy yourself a boob tube.
Do you ever wear them? Nah.
She does, I don't.
Shut up, guy! That is a little treat for me.
You take that and treat yourself and tell your daddy that I gave you that.
Don't forget, yeah? I will.
Keep your hair on! Oh, I'll keep my hair on.
I'll keep me hair on! Cor blimey, guv! Keep your flaming hair on! Keep your flaming hair on! We gotta go now.
Yeah, we gotta go.
I've gotta go too, you know.
I've got things to do, you know? Yeah, well, you take the high road, we'll take the low road, yeah? That is exactly what we'll do.
I'll be seeing you in all the old familiar places.
Hey! Keep your flaming hair on! Keep your flaming hair on! Run! Run! Whoo! Whoo! He's a fruit and nutcase! I told ya! He wants a check-up from the neck up.
- How much money did he give ya? - Er 78p.
Cor! That's alright! Alright, so half and half of 60 is 30.
And half and half of 8 is 4.
So that's Ah, no, it's half and half of 70.
What's half and half of 70? 30 1, 2, 3, 4.
5! 35.
And half an' half of 8 is 4.
So that's 35 6, 7, 8, 9.
39p each! You don't give me any! Course I do.
Here you are.
Ah, come on, take it! Take it or I'll ram it down ya throat! Thanks.
Did you smell the wee on him? Yeah, bad ain't it.
Yeah.
You know that Larry Bellford? Yeah.
He asked me out.
What?! He asked me to go to Wimpy with him.
When? When he was asking about the test? No, when to go to the Wimpy? Friday after school.
I haven't said yes yet, I've gotta ring him tonight.
You got his phone number?! Yeah, he gave it to me.
Blimey! I didn't know he was 18, I thought he was 17 or something.
What did he say? When? When he asked you out.
How did he say it? "Do you fancy coming to the Wimpy with me this Friday?" What, just like that? Sort of.
Well, we chatted for a bit first.
He chatted you up?! I suppose.
But I didn't realise that's what he was doing till he asked me out.
He was just talking about the test and he said, "If I was asked to fill this out, I'd have given you 10 for looks and 10 for your body.
" Nah! I know, I went red.
And then he asked if I had a boyfriend.
I said no and he said, "I'd love to take you out.
" And the O'Sullivan twins really laughed.
And he said, "Shut up! She's better than you two put together!" They went bright red and I did and then he said, "I mean it, I'd love to go out with ya.
Come to the Wimpy this Friday.
" "I'll treat ya.
What's your favourite milkshake?" I said, "Strawberry.
" He said, "me, too!" What about personality? What? What did he say he'd give you for personality? He didn't.
Nah, he didn't mention that.
So he said, "Have a think about it.
" "Here's me number.
Let me know by Wednesday.
" And he kissed me on the check and said, "See ya, gorgeous.
" "Don't let me down.
" Blimey! What a turn up! I know.
Why didn't you tell me earlier? Dunno.
Needed more time to think about it.
Should I go to the Wimpy on Friday with him? D'you fancy him? I think so.
I dunno.
He was really, really lovely.
Do you like his perm, then? I don't mind it.
He's got lovely eyes.
Those jeans all nice and ironed! Blimey! He says he knows I'm only 14, so we wouldn't be out late.
I've gotta meet him at six in there.
He said he'd walk me home by nine.
What if he tries to kiss ya? Do you think he will? Course.
He called you gorgeous that means he really fancies ya.
You should snog him if he wants to snog ya.
Even on the first date? Hark at you, all American, "First date!" I know, I feel so strange! You should snog him, especially if he's paying, it's one of the rules.
My mum says to take it slowly and don't worry.
Your mum knows? Yeah, I told her as soon as I got in.
I tell me mum everything.
Oh, right.
Yeah, course you do, that's right.
Your mum should be the first to know stuff.
Blimey, Mar, this is brilliant! Is it? Yeah, it's the best thing I've heard in ages.
Is it?! Yeah.
What are you gonna wear? I dunno.
I'll come to yours and we can pick something out.
Would ya? Course, guys! Come to the phone box when I ring him? Yeah.
I'll stay outside, I might start laughing.
Oh, this is so exciting.
Mary's got a boyfriend Mary's got a boyfriend Stop it! Shut up, guy! I like the top with the butterflies on.
The blue one? Yeah, it makes your eyes look all twinkly.
Shall I wear me faded jeans or me baby brown cords.
Your cords, definitely.
That boy at the market said you had a nice bum.
You should definitely wear them.
I've got butterflies in me tummy! Butterflies inside and out! Shall we go to the phone box now.
Won't he be at work? Nah, he's on the dole.
Let's celebrate first.
We've got some money, so Let's go get some chips! Yeah, guy! Larry and Mary sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G Let's hope and pray to the gods of punk that this all goes tits up.
I am a cliche
I'm Kath.
I'm 14, nearly 15, and I'm a punk, new wave, suedehead, skinhead sort of thing.
I like all music except heavy metal and love songs.
I love Jimi Hendrix, even though he's heavy rock.
My favourite song is X Offender by Blondie.
I'm not into them as much now cos everyone likes 'em since Sunday Girl.
It gets on me nerves that everyone else knows who they are.
My favourite telly programmes are Top of The Pops, Porridge, 7 Up and Play for Today.
The best Play for Today is It's about Scouse kids on a school trip who nick some animals.
It's really funny.
My favourite film is Kes.
It's been on the telly twice.
I've seen it twice and read the book twice, but the book's called A Kestrel For A Knave By Barry Hines.
My favourite book is There is a Happy Land by Keith Waterhouse.
It's about this little from up north and a fella who's brain damaged.
It's hilarious.
I'd like to be an actress when I leave school, but I'm, still waiting to get in a drama club up the Angel.
I've been on the list since I was 12, so gawd knows if that's gonna happen.
I'm in the Unit at school, a room in the playground for the dumbos.
Miss James says I can't be an actress cos I ain't got the looks, so I'll be a music journalist and start my own fanzine.
I love sausage rolls from the ABC.
But I 'ate dogs, wasps, pigeons, Thatcher and nuns.
And I hate my dad when he's drunk.
I have loads of best mates, but my favourite mate is Mary, cos she's kind and nice and doesn't take the mick like all the others do.
I get picked on cos me mum's dead, so there's no-one to stick up for me.
I'm always being told I talk to much and get on people's nerves, I just put on Polystyrene and X-Ray Spex and it makes me feel better.
Some people think little girls should be seen and not heard But I think Oh, bondage, up yours! 1-2-3-4! Flipping Fat Ashley! Don't look too bad.
Why do I always get the blame? Scratch and a bruise.
I didn't say anything about her mum.
I know, but - I don't even know her.
I know.
I wouldn't say things about people's mums.
I know it's wrong.
You did say she was fat.
I didn't.
I asked if she was fat.
I asked if Fat Ashley's mum was fat cos I was curious if she was fat cos her mum's fat or just cos she was fat.
But that little cow Roma turns nasty.
She's a nuisance.
Pint-size piss! Cor! She's taken a cut right out me nut! You alright? I've been worse.
My head hurts more than me head.
The injustice fills me with such despair, Mar.
I can't ask a simple bleeding question.
We walking home or getting the bus? We're walking, I ain't got no fare.
My Aunty Jean, not my aunt my foster mum, asked me why I'm fat while all other kids are skinny.
You're not fat! I'm not fat fat like Fat Ashley, but I'm fatter than most.
Stocky.
My Aunty Jean says she gave us all the same food, all the same amount, yet I'm still fatter than her real kids.
That's why I asked about Fat Ashley's mum.
I've seen photos of my mum and she doesn't look fat fat, but she's got a big bum and a double chin.
That's why I asked if Fat Ashley's mum was fat, I didn't say she was fat, I asked.
Is your dad fat? He's fat from booze.
My dad's got a beer belly.
My dad's got a beer arse, neck and legs.
Go on, do your dad.
I'm not fat! Why would you call me fat?! I'm your daddy! I love ya! It's my name on the fecking rent book! Aw! What d'you mean stocky? What? I'm stocky? Yeah, I'd say you were stocky not fat.
You do eat a lot.
Eh?! You eat a lot don't ya.
Do I? You eat more than me.
Everyone eats more than you.
Apart from Camilla who pukes everything up.
You always have breakfast at mine even if you've had breakfast at home And you're always too early.
How am I too early?! I'm still in bed when you knock.
Mum says it's cos you want another breakfast.
What?! Ah, that's such a show up, guy! No, it ain't.
My mum don't mind.
Bet she thinks I'm a right ponce.
No.
My mum likes you, she thinks you're funny.
Does she? She likes your jokes.
She don't like the rude ones.
No.
Remember me telling her the one about the priest and the cat's arse.
I thought she was gonna have a heart attack! Don't use such language in this house.
That's very naughty.
You're a very rude girl! A very rude girl! Jesus, Mary and Joseph! I'll be lighting a whole heap of candles! She don't know the half of it.
My dad says you can shock a docker.
No?! What's a docker? A hard-nut bloke from up north.
Blimey! You know when we did that Who Do You Love test? Yeah.
How many out to ten did the boys give me for looks? I can't remember.
Yeah, you can.
Come on, how many did I get? Two.
That's alright, two.
I was a bit gutted, I'll admit.
But how many did they give me for personality? Seven.
Seven?! Flip off! It was ten.
Was it? Yeah! Ten out of ten for personality! The boys like me, not in a snogging way, I know that.
In the personality way they think I'm great.
Ten out of ten.
So why are some people fed up with me? I dunno.
I think some people wish I would just die and come back as Marie-bleeding-Osmond.
I know people think I'm rude.
Only adults think that, people our age don't.
I think you've got a funny voice.
What d'you mean? You know, your voice, the way you say things.
Nah, I dunno what you're on about.
You've got a deep voice.
Like a boy sort of.
It's not that deep, man! It's not deep like that girl in second year with a 'tasche, but you sort of sound boysy.
Brilliant! There's something else you should know.
What? You won't get the hump, will ya? I'm telling you cos it's important.
What? I won't get the hump.
When we did the love test, you went home after.
Yeah.
Well, I hung around for a bit to have a fag and a chat and that older boy, Larry something.
Larry Bellford.
That's it! Larry Bellford.
Well, he came over to say hello and asked what we'd been doing.
He spoke to ya? Yeah.
He's 18.
Is he?! Yeah.
Anyway? Anyway, he asked what we'd been doing, so we showed him the test.
You didn't?! Yeah.
He was having a right laugh looking through 'em, but being nice.
He weren't taking the mick.
Right.
He wanted to know who yours belonged to.
You didn't tell him.
They're meant to be a secret.
No, I didn't tell him, but he said, "Two out of ten for looks and seven" Ten out of ten.
Sorry.
"Ten out of ten.
Interesting.
" "Very interesting.
This chick needs to sort herself out cos no-one what to bunk up a nice personality.
" What?! Did he really say that? Yep! Flipping hell! What did you say? Well, nothing.
Ah, man! It's only what he thinks.
He don't know everything.
He's 18, Mar, course he knows everything.
He goes to pubs and gigs and meets up with loads of birds, he's bound to know all about it.
Suppose.
Did you tell him I'm a bit special, though? Did you say I'm like really, really funny.
I didn't say anything.
Why not? I got too shy.
Ah, this is a flipping disaster! He wasn't being 'orrible! He thought Ruby's test was worse, cos she got -3 for look and nothing for personality.
Yeah! You're right.
She got nothing for her boy and I got 2.
5 for mine.
That's right! You know my dad drinks a bit, don't ya? Yeah.
Well, sometimes he can just disappear.
If he's on a bender, we don't see him for days and don't get dinner.
That's why I have to store up food like a squirrel so me belly's full.
Don't say anything to anyone.
I won't.
The other night I went to Claire McCormack's and her mum does a thing called French toast.
D'you know it? No.
It's just fried eggy bread, but it was amazing.
They've got a piano! Have they? Yeah, but they ain't got a telly.
What?! I couldn't live without a telly.
I wouldn't know what to do with myself.
Imagine not being able to watch Top of the Pops.
It was smashing last night, great craic.
There was a chap on there playing the guitar with the most beautiful head of hair.
His earrings were four little dangly mirrors.
He had on an all-in-one catsuit with snakes swirling up the legs.
Snakes! Can you believe that?! Huh.
I'd love to now what colour it was.
By the looks of it, I'd say it was a yellow or pink because it was light and shade.
It's all guess work until we get the new television.
Imagine being able to see the colours of the jockey silks on race days, won't that be marvellous? And the Eurovision Song Contest! Imagine what that's gonna look like in colour.
A spangling spectacle for the eyes as well as the ears.
Frankie Valli was on the Pops last night.
He looks great for his age! He must be in his forties and not a grey hair.
And he has got the most beautiful suntan.
Vanity is a terrible trait in a man.
Do you not think he's lovely looking? I do not! He has a divine singing voice, glorious and high.
He sings like the angels.
Sounds like he's got a hot poker up the arse.
Don't be a meany.
I love the Americans, I think they're great.
All the best show-business people are Americans.
Really? Yes.
Are you sure about that? I am.
I think.
Why? What about the Boney M? What about them? You love them, the Boney M.
I do.
They're my favourites.
That little fella has god in his legs.
And do you think they're American? I do.
They are.
They're not.
Are they not? No.
They're German.
German? That's correct.
They're German.
They're from Germany.
The country where the biggest human atrocity known to man took place.
.
The country whose leaders sat down and took tea with the devil himself.
The country where your favourite rock 'No.
roll band were born! Germany! I'm devastated! I thought you might be.
You see, you should pay closer attention, sister.
Don't just be liking any old band willy-nilly.
There could be hidden messages in those songs you merrily bob along to.
Do your fecking homework! Change sides! Come on, what's the matter with ya? Green that way, ya eejit.
Give me the fecking ball! You know that Larry Bellford? Yeah.
Is he really 18? I think so.
He could be older but he's got a baby face.
D'you think he's nice looking? He's OK, I suppose.
He's not my type, I don't like perms.
Has he got a girlfriend? Dunno.
I know he went out with Bernie Cavin and he broke her in, but that ended ages ago.
He caught her snogging another bloke up the alley by the offy.
Blimey! She's such a tart, guy.
She's been out with half the blokes from that estate.
Here, they call her Kentucky cos she's finger-licking good.
Oh, my God! Bad, innit.
That's awful! Was he upset when it finished? Heartbroken.
Cried apparently.
Oh! Think it's a bit daft meself.
I don't think blokes should cry, especially not over some strumpet.
Maybe he loved her.
He loved her taking her knickers off for him that's why they all love her.
I'm gonna keep me legs shut for as long as possible.
Me, too.
Do you ever goes to the Wimpy on Upper Street? Nah, it's really expensive.
I can't be eating stuff like that, not if I'm on a diet.
When are you on a diet? From now.
I ain't gonna eat any more chips or crisps or burgers or any sweets or chocolate.
I'll just have mash, French toast, cottage cheese and cucumber.
I don't wanna be a fat bird.
Hey, fatty bum bum Sweet sugar dumpling Hey, fatty bum bum Let me tell you something No, not because you're so big and fat Don't believe I'm afraid of that A safe place is no recommendation I'm looking for Oh, flipping 'eck! What? Don't look.
W-w-what? That bloke coming towards us.
Yeah, what about him? He's Jimmy The Jew.
Don't look at him! He's really barmy army.
Hey, you.
You! What? You.
I'm talking to you.
Whatcha want? Don't! Not you, you! Who's ewe, the sheep's mother?! Gis us a cigarette.
I haven't got one.
Come on, ya wee moo cow, gis us a cigarette.
Don't call me a moo cow, guy! Not you, you! I ain't a moo cow either and I ain't got no cigarettes.
Liar! Gis us a cigarette or I'll smash your teeth down your throat.
I'll tell my dad if you do.
My dad knows where you drink.
Oh, yeah? And where's that then, mastermind? Up the Black Bull with all the other Jock-Jocks.
Who's your dad? Galway Pat with the broken nose.
And you've been round me house.
Galway Pat with the broken nose? Are you his baby? Well, yeah, I suppose.
Yeah, he's me dad.
I'm so sorry.
Don't be daft.
I remember you, you're the lassie who made me a sandwich.
Remember making me a sandwich? And you were so kind to me.
Remember how I mistook you for your brother? And remember I couldn't eat the sandwich because of my faith.
Remember how fascinated you were by that? Fascinated! Yeah! I'm so, so sorry! That's alright.
Don't worry about it.
No, here take this.
Here, take this.
Oh, no.
No, you're alright.
Take that and buy yourself some sweeties.
Yeah? Thanks.
And get yourself a can of Coke.
Or maybe you could buy yourself a boob tube.
Do you ever wear them? Nah.
She does, I don't.
Shut up, guy! That is a little treat for me.
You take that and treat yourself and tell your daddy that I gave you that.
Don't forget, yeah? I will.
Keep your hair on! Oh, I'll keep my hair on.
I'll keep me hair on! Cor blimey, guv! Keep your flaming hair on! Keep your flaming hair on! We gotta go now.
Yeah, we gotta go.
I've gotta go too, you know.
I've got things to do, you know? Yeah, well, you take the high road, we'll take the low road, yeah? That is exactly what we'll do.
I'll be seeing you in all the old familiar places.
Hey! Keep your flaming hair on! Keep your flaming hair on! Run! Run! Whoo! Whoo! He's a fruit and nutcase! I told ya! He wants a check-up from the neck up.
- How much money did he give ya? - Er 78p.
Cor! That's alright! Alright, so half and half of 60 is 30.
And half and half of 8 is 4.
So that's Ah, no, it's half and half of 70.
What's half and half of 70? 30 1, 2, 3, 4.
5! 35.
And half an' half of 8 is 4.
So that's 35 6, 7, 8, 9.
39p each! You don't give me any! Course I do.
Here you are.
Ah, come on, take it! Take it or I'll ram it down ya throat! Thanks.
Did you smell the wee on him? Yeah, bad ain't it.
Yeah.
You know that Larry Bellford? Yeah.
He asked me out.
What?! He asked me to go to Wimpy with him.
When? When he was asking about the test? No, when to go to the Wimpy? Friday after school.
I haven't said yes yet, I've gotta ring him tonight.
You got his phone number?! Yeah, he gave it to me.
Blimey! I didn't know he was 18, I thought he was 17 or something.
What did he say? When? When he asked you out.
How did he say it? "Do you fancy coming to the Wimpy with me this Friday?" What, just like that? Sort of.
Well, we chatted for a bit first.
He chatted you up?! I suppose.
But I didn't realise that's what he was doing till he asked me out.
He was just talking about the test and he said, "If I was asked to fill this out, I'd have given you 10 for looks and 10 for your body.
" Nah! I know, I went red.
And then he asked if I had a boyfriend.
I said no and he said, "I'd love to take you out.
" And the O'Sullivan twins really laughed.
And he said, "Shut up! She's better than you two put together!" They went bright red and I did and then he said, "I mean it, I'd love to go out with ya.
Come to the Wimpy this Friday.
" "I'll treat ya.
What's your favourite milkshake?" I said, "Strawberry.
" He said, "me, too!" What about personality? What? What did he say he'd give you for personality? He didn't.
Nah, he didn't mention that.
So he said, "Have a think about it.
" "Here's me number.
Let me know by Wednesday.
" And he kissed me on the check and said, "See ya, gorgeous.
" "Don't let me down.
" Blimey! What a turn up! I know.
Why didn't you tell me earlier? Dunno.
Needed more time to think about it.
Should I go to the Wimpy on Friday with him? D'you fancy him? I think so.
I dunno.
He was really, really lovely.
Do you like his perm, then? I don't mind it.
He's got lovely eyes.
Those jeans all nice and ironed! Blimey! He says he knows I'm only 14, so we wouldn't be out late.
I've gotta meet him at six in there.
He said he'd walk me home by nine.
What if he tries to kiss ya? Do you think he will? Course.
He called you gorgeous that means he really fancies ya.
You should snog him if he wants to snog ya.
Even on the first date? Hark at you, all American, "First date!" I know, I feel so strange! You should snog him, especially if he's paying, it's one of the rules.
My mum says to take it slowly and don't worry.
Your mum knows? Yeah, I told her as soon as I got in.
I tell me mum everything.
Oh, right.
Yeah, course you do, that's right.
Your mum should be the first to know stuff.
Blimey, Mar, this is brilliant! Is it? Yeah, it's the best thing I've heard in ages.
Is it?! Yeah.
What are you gonna wear? I dunno.
I'll come to yours and we can pick something out.
Would ya? Course, guys! Come to the phone box when I ring him? Yeah.
I'll stay outside, I might start laughing.
Oh, this is so exciting.
Mary's got a boyfriend Mary's got a boyfriend Stop it! Shut up, guy! I like the top with the butterflies on.
The blue one? Yeah, it makes your eyes look all twinkly.
Shall I wear me faded jeans or me baby brown cords.
Your cords, definitely.
That boy at the market said you had a nice bum.
You should definitely wear them.
I've got butterflies in me tummy! Butterflies inside and out! Shall we go to the phone box now.
Won't he be at work? Nah, he's on the dole.
Let's celebrate first.
We've got some money, so Let's go get some chips! Yeah, guy! Larry and Mary sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G Let's hope and pray to the gods of punk that this all goes tits up.
I am a cliche