Was It Something I Said? (2013) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1
Contains strong language and adult
humour
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, and welcome to
"Was It Something I Said?",
the panel show all about quotations
that takes on the daunting task
of analysing anything
ever said by anyone ever,
for instance,
Tony Blair once said
That's debatable.
Tony Blair's got a soul?!
On Micky Flanagan's team tonight
is actor, author
and man whose dealings with the
Inland Revenue are above reproach,
Charlie Higson.
And with Richard Ayoade is
comedian and writer Jimmy Carr.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And here to read our quotations
is an actor who once said
of his first day at school,
"I'd never had a fight before"
That's certainly one way
to deal with a maths teacher!
Please welcome
star of Homeland, David Harewood.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, our first round is called
Threesomes. All our panellists
have to do is match a series of
quotes to one of three celebrities.
You can also play along at home
by following @somethingIsaid
on Twitter to unlock extra clips.
The theme of this week's
Threesomes is ego.
Can we have the first quotation,
please, David?
"I can go into restaurants and
a whole table will get up and clap
"if they recognise me."
In a minute, I'll give you
three people to choose from.
But any initial thoughts about that?
I think, surely this is
some sort of sporting star.
The only time I've seen this
is when footballers
walk into a restaurant
and they've just won a thing
and everyone goes crazy and nuts
and I can imagine that happening.
- A game. - A game. - Yeah.
- It's called a match, isn't it?
- No, I call it a game. - A game.
- I mean, football is a game, I'm not
going to disagree with you there.
- I call it a game of kicks.
- You call soccer ball
a game of kicks? - Yes.
- A game of kicks. - Well,
you're not a real fan. - How dare you!
- If one of those men, if one of
the kicking men - A game of kicks.
If a grown man who wears shorts
for a living and does kicks
walked into a restaurant, you'd
get up and clap him, wouldn't you?
I doubt I'd recognise a man who
played the game of kicks for a job.
And also, we're dismissing
the possibility that this is
a slow handclap of derision.
- Just that really - Yeah.
So, it could be someone very obese.
It's a slow handclap
waiting for them to get to the table.
I think you're more likely
to do a trombone noise.
Barp, barp, barp, baaarrrp
I wonder if anyone really obese
has ever
walked into an all-you-can-eat buffet
and the geezer's going,
"No, you're having a laugh!"
In some restaurants in America,
they actually give you
a free meal to take home.
- Which is extraordinary.
- I think that's a takeaway.
No, but they bring you a plate
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm going to
narrow down your options.
Who said, "I can go
into a restaurant
"and a whole table will get up
and clap if they recognise me?"
Was it media mogul Rupert Murdoch?
Singer Lady Gaga?
Or Ugandan dictator Idi Amin?
I mean, Idi Amin, if he was
in Uganda, I feel there would be
a sense of, "We better get up
and clap, you know what he's like.
"He's all beheady
when he gets cross."
Rumours of cannibalism as well,
- you don't want to end up
on the menu! - Was he a cannibal?
- Did he really eat someone? Is that
a real thing? - There were rumours.
His family did try to sue
the makers of The King Of Scotland
for implying that he was a cannibal.
- Did they think that would
worsen his reputation? - Yes.
I've got to say, legally, he's
on shaky ground in terms of
libel generally being
about your reputation anyway.
Also, he's dead,
and you can't libel the dead.
You can say what you like about
the dead. You know, Hitler was gay!
He can't sue.
Can't you just leave Hitler alone?!
Hasn't he had enough flak?!
He had one bad
seven-to-eight-year patch!
And everyone's on him.
It's got to be Gaga, hasn't it?
I don't know if people would
recognise her, in a weird way.
She's kind of a bit of
a blank canvas.
I think I saw her on the tube once.
I think, genuinely,
I think I saw her on the tube.
I saw someone, you know,
they were really dressed down,
no make-up, in a hoodie,
on the tube.
This is a hell of an anecdote.
- I think it was her. Yeah, it doesn't
really - Yeah, it doesn't build.
Should've have lied, Jim,
in the second half of that story.
And just said,
"Oh, I saw her on the train
"and then she had a shit
in the corner of the tube."
- All right, we're saying Lady G'gah.
- That's your team's answer.
- Lady G'gah. - Lady G'gah.
- And Richard and Jimmy?
I think that's got Idi written
all over it. I think it's him.
- You think - I think Lady Gaga.
It sounds like the kind of thing
that she would say.
- You have to decide as a team.
- OK, fine. We're saying Gaga.
I feel like we could fall out
if I've got this wrong.
The thing is, I've said it, so,
I can always go, "Yeah, Jimmy, aww,"
- at the end, then I can gloat.
So, let's go for LG. - OK.
Everyone is saying
that it is Lady Gaga.
Well, the answer is Rupert Murdoch.
- GROANING
- So, you're all wrong.
I thought it was Lady Gaga. I did.
Why would you say that after you've
been told, you crazy fool?!
David, how did you get the part
of a CIA bigwig?
I auditioned for the part
in my bedroom.
In my bedroom! I recorded myself
on my phone, and I uploaded it
online and they said, "Yes, you're
the man to play the head of the CIA."
Why are you doing an English
voice now?
Can you do your Homeland voice,
please?
He's a completely fictitious
and made-up character.
I can't really make him up.
David, David, what
if I kind of start you off?
- I can do all accents. - Go on, then.
IN A BAD AMERICAN ACCENT:
Now, so, David,
how you doing today?!
What shall I say?Give me a line!
Give me a line!
- Someone give me a line?
- Send them all to Guantanamo Bay.
And then drown them a bit.
OK, here we go.
AMERICAN ACCENT: Send them all
to Guantanamo Bay.
And then drown them a bit.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
David, could I ask you a question?
Did you know whether he was going to
blow himself up at the end or not?
Oh, I haven't seen it!
David, can we have our next
quotation on the subject of ego,
- please? - Yes.
"I myself consider myself the most
powerful figure in the world."
Once again, it's one of Rupert
Murdoch, Lady Gaga or Idi Amin.
The way it's phrased,
it sounds like a Lionel Bart
sort of Oliver: The Musical.
I myself consider myself
The most powerful figure
in the world. ♪
- It sounds - It's the Artful Dodger
when he discovered cocaine,
wasn't it?
He got all self-centred.
I consider myself the most ♪
That's exactly the voice
I had in my head!
- How could you not finish that?
- It's a cliff-hanger.
- It's all in the elbows, the voice!
- That's how every cockney song starts.
David, I want to ask you,
because you're from Birmingham,
did you never come out of character
and sort of go
IN A BRUMMIE ACCENT:
"What do you fooking mean
he's going to blow himself up?!"
I got rid of my Birmingham accent
on my first day at drama school.
Yeah, when mine left me, I thought
I felt my identity was just lost.
I went back to the poor people
and I said, "Talk to me,
"I need to talk to you.
I need you to talk to me again!"
- All right, OK. - Very good.
- He's a man of a thousand voices!
So, who do you think said this?
Who's most like the Artful Dodger
out of Rupert Murdoch, Lady Gaga
and Idi Amin?
We're going to go for Rupert because
despite the other two, I can't see,
I know he was quite big in Uganda,
she's quite a good songer,
singwriter, whatever.
But I think he would say
something like that.
- He'd genuinely consider himself to be
that important. - I think Lady Gaga.
- She's culturally, incredibly
important, and she knows it. - OK.
Those are your answers.
Well, they're both wrong.
- The answer is Idi Amin.
- APPLAUSE
Amin invited himself to London
six months after coming to power.
Over coffee at Buckingham Palace,
the Queen asked him
- Any idea what he replied?
- You can't just turn up!
- You can if you're
President of Uganda. - Can you?
- Did he try and propose to her or
something? - Did he proposition her?
No, he said, to explain his visit
Did he think
she was running Clarke's?
I don't know,
I suppose he was thinking,
- "I'll pop in on my way to Clarke's."
- Do you think he was flirting?
Because there is a thing
with big feet,
and that being, people thinking
that you might have a large
Why is this just being addressed
to me? I have no idea!
You're beside me! Did he flirt, was
he saying, "I've got size 14"?
I dunno! I wasn't there!
- Well, if I said to you - I don't
know, Jimmy! I wasn't there!
- I don't know what he was trying
to do! - I'll try now, if I said
- Why? - It's difficult to find
I'm just here
to quiz about quotations,
not to go through
the psychodrama with you.
- Is it? - You're so close to me.
You weirdo. Why? What are you
hoping will come of this?!
Nothing's going to
come of this, Jimmy!
Can you see how far back
I'm leaning?
This is as far back as I can lean!
I don't like this moment!
I don't like anything about it!
No, stop the moment!
- Why can't this stop?! Can this not
stop?! - I think I should stop. - Yes!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, at the end of
our Threesomes round,
I can tell you that
the teams are tied.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Over the break,
see if you can complete this
quotation from Charlie Chaplin
in 1914 when he was renegotiating
his contract with Keystone Studios.
All I need to make a comedy is
what?
Tweet your answer to us.
We'll see you in a couple
of minutes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to
Was It Something I Said?
Before the break,
we asked you to complete
this quotation from Charlie Chaplin.
..what? Any thoughts, panel?
His moustache,
Charlie Chaplin's moustache
Was Hitler's based on his?
Jimmy, I can't believe you're
trying to mine Hitler for humour.
I think I knowthis.
"..a park, a policeman and a pretty
girl," cos it's alliterative.
Also, that scenario now
is cause for concern.
It no longer applies in comedy.
Could we have the
full quotation, please?
HE READS THE QUOTATION
- Well done.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I would I would high-five you
- Yes, we can - If we could touch
Yes, the full quote was
"All I need to make a comedy is"
CHARLIE: ..timing!
APPLAUSE
Yes, the full quote was,
"All I need to make a com"
..repetition!
You You begin to make me
look like a moron.
Yes, the full quote was,
"All I need to make a comedy
"is a park, a policeman
and a pretty girl."
Also, all that's needed to end
a promising career as a politician.
Now, the next round
is called Keywords.
We give our panellists
a few keywords
and ask them
to work out the whole quotation.
So, for instance, if we gave you
"fight" and "beaches",
you would, of course, have to work
out a quotation from Churchill
or from a lifeguard in Magaluf.
OK, here's one
from US President Abraham Lincoln,
taken from one of the greatest
speeches of American history.
Every American schoolkid knows
this quote, but do our panellists?
As your first clue, David,
can we have two keywords, please?
Score and seven.
That is a very famous quote.
It's the Gettysburg Address.
I can't necessarily get it
word for word but I think it was
"I didn't do very well
in my local pub's darts tournament,
"I only got a score of seven."
OK, "Fourscore and seven years ago,
westarted America."
That's the gist of it and it was
based on the principle of
- er, all men are equal.
- You're in the right area.
Can we have the third keyword,
please, David?
Equal.
I think Jimmy suspected "equal".
Yeah, something about
all men are created equal,
which I don't think's
From what my girlfriend says,
it's not the case.
Some of her ex-boyfriends
have been terrific at stuff.
Well, I'm going to I'm going to
press you to a specific guess.
I'm going to have a bash.
Is it "Fourscore years ago
and seven,
"our forefathers declared
that all men shall be equal"?
I'll take that and I'll raise it.
- "Fourscore and seven years ago, our
forefathers" - That's what I said.
- "Founded" - "..this country
on the principle of equality"
"..the principle that all
that all men are equal."
Well, you've both
I mean, you've got
Can we have
the full quotation, please?
In an American accent.
HE READS QUOTE IN AN AMERICAN ACCEN
"..and dedicated to the proposition
that all men"
How good's that impression?!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I-I think both teams did very well.
You got
the "fourscore and seven years"
and the "all men are created equal".
There wasn't so much "new nation
conceived in liberty" coming forward
but, you know
when that came up, I didn't even know
who he was. I didn't know who he was.
I just thought, "Who is the geezer?"
He looks like the lead singer
of Mumford and Sons or something.
So, at the end of
our Keywords round,
a quick look at the scores tells me
that Richard's team is in the lead.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So up next is a round called
What Are They Talking About?
You're going to hear a quote
that's been taken completely
out of context -
an idea we got from the Daily Mail.
All the panellists have to do
is work out
what the hell
that person is talking about.
Here's a quotation from actress
Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Can we hear it, please, David?
HE READS THE QUOTE
I think it's a classic piece
of misdirection.
You want us all
to think it's something rude
and they were having oral sex
to cure his throat cancer.
But it's probably
birdwatching or something.
I'm very happy to go down
the oral sex road. I'm
Sorry, that's not a I wasn't
I mean, you can imagine him, though,
he'd probably get halfway down her
and go, "Where am I going? What?
"What am I doing here?"
But if it's halfway down,
isn't he in the right place?
Well
I start at the tits.
Sorry, I'm just trying to
think of the scale of it.
I don't suck my wife's head,
if you put it like that.
And sleep. And sleep. And sleep.
This is not about oral sex.
They were playing golf at the time.
- Naked! They were playing golf naked!
- Did a bird shit on them?
Did they need to pee? Did they?
I don't know.
These are plausible answers.
But they're not correct?
Well, let's see. David,
can we have the full quotation?
HE READS THE QUOTE
"..take his pants down.
It happened once"
So hang on, so, if he hits the ball,
if he sort of messes up the shot,
he has got to flash?
Yes.
I mean, that has really incentivised
the paparazzi to follow them
around the whole 18 holes.
She is saying this as
though it really is a rule.
But, this isn't a rule.
You can play golf
without doing this.
- We were closer. - Yes.
- You were closer.
- So you do get the points, well done.
- We're coming back.
APPLAUSE
Now, our next round is
the Was It Something I Said? round.
In which each team has to work out
who said the following quotations.
It'll either be from one of us
on the show tonight
or from our virtual guest,
Piers Morgan.
So, obviously the stakes in the show
have just shot up,
as everyone on the panel
stares right down the barrel
of the possibility
that a quote of theirs
is about to be judged the sort
of thing Piers Morgan might say.
So, first up is Micky's team.
Who said the following?
Was it Richard, Jimmy, David, me,
or Piers Morgan?
- We can rule you out. - Can you?
- You would never have been a bailiff.
I'm handy.
POSH ACCENT: "You either pay up
or we're taking the motor."
It's like I'm in the room!
- So you're ruling me out?
- We are ruling you out.
To be a proper bailiff, I think
you have to have a real clear line
between what's right and wrong.
- Do you?
- That rules Jimmy out straightaway.
- David has got the physical
presence - Thank you very much.
- Not you! - And he can act.
He could go up, "All right, babe?
COCKNEY ACCENT: "Didn't want to
do this, but if I get my foot in"
- Birmingham, Birmingham. - Oh.
BRUMMIE: "Sorry, love, I'm going
to have to take your motor."
LAUGHTER
At the same time,
it could be Piers Morgan.
It's a toss-up between David
over there and Piers Morgan.
- We'll say Piers Morgan.
- You're going to say Piers Morgan?
- Yes. - Well, you're wrong. It's David.
- Oh! We were so close.
What's the story there?
When we were at drama school, we all
had to basically take summer jobs.
And this one day, I was allocated
this job as a bailiff.
And I kind of went to the first house
and there was this little old lady,
and we had to go in
and take her cabinet.
And
Are you 100% sure
you didn't get a job as a burglar?
She had obviously paid
for this cabinet on HP
and she couldn't afford it
and we had to take it.
And I put in the van and
I said, "I'm sorry, I'm off."
And I just got out and walked home.
Have you still got
the cabinet, though?
I'll give you a fair price
for it, mate.
It's not what you think of people
buying on hire purchase, is it?
A cabinet.
A poor old lady
who's got into trouble
because of her
elaborate cabinet habit.
"Oh, I mustn't!
"But it is such a beautiful cabinet!
"I can put all my knick-knacks
in just that one cabinet.
"Except I've got nine other cabinets
I still haven't paid for!"
- It was a nice cabinet. I mean, I
would have had it. - You did have it.
So, next up, it's Richard's team.
Who said the following?
Was it Micky, Charlie, David,
me, or Piers Morgan?
- You were in a band,
weren't you, Charlie? - I was, yes.
- So you were in bands
when you were 16? - No.
- I was a bit of a twat, though.
- It's Charlie. He's just said.
As watertight as that is
I think it's David.
Hang on, what was Micky doing
when he was 16?
I imagine you had,
what, a couple of kids?
From a couple of different mums?
I think it's Charlie, you
think it's David, let's go Micky.
I'm happy with that.
Well, the answer is Charlie Higson.
Wasn't that a clue? When he said?
He said he was a twat when
he was 16, was that not a clue?
Should we have not gone with that?
He said it! He said it!
We both heard, and I said,
"Well, we should go for him!"
- And you said - I just
You look so like Roger Federer.
..to me. I'm All I'm thinking is,
why am I playing tennis?
It feels like we have had
a real breakdown in communications.
That is all we have got time for.
And a quick look
at the scores tells me
this week's winners
are Richard and Jimmy.
APPLAUSE
Thank you to Micky and Charlie,
Richard and Jimmy,
and to our guest narrator,
David Harewood.
And we leave you with a surprising
revelation from Virginia Woolf.
And I believe Virginia Woolf's
successfully secreted jelly
is now available at Waitrose.
Goodnight.
Contains strong language and adult
humour
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, and welcome to
"Was It Something I Said?",
the panel show all about quotations
that takes on the daunting task
of analysing anything
ever said by anyone ever,
for instance,
Tony Blair once said
That's debatable.
Tony Blair's got a soul?!
On Micky Flanagan's team tonight
is actor, author
and man whose dealings with the
Inland Revenue are above reproach,
Charlie Higson.
And with Richard Ayoade is
comedian and writer Jimmy Carr.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And here to read our quotations
is an actor who once said
of his first day at school,
"I'd never had a fight before"
That's certainly one way
to deal with a maths teacher!
Please welcome
star of Homeland, David Harewood.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, our first round is called
Threesomes. All our panellists
have to do is match a series of
quotes to one of three celebrities.
You can also play along at home
by following @somethingIsaid
on Twitter to unlock extra clips.
The theme of this week's
Threesomes is ego.
Can we have the first quotation,
please, David?
"I can go into restaurants and
a whole table will get up and clap
"if they recognise me."
In a minute, I'll give you
three people to choose from.
But any initial thoughts about that?
I think, surely this is
some sort of sporting star.
The only time I've seen this
is when footballers
walk into a restaurant
and they've just won a thing
and everyone goes crazy and nuts
and I can imagine that happening.
- A game. - A game. - Yeah.
- It's called a match, isn't it?
- No, I call it a game. - A game.
- I mean, football is a game, I'm not
going to disagree with you there.
- I call it a game of kicks.
- You call soccer ball
a game of kicks? - Yes.
- A game of kicks. - Well,
you're not a real fan. - How dare you!
- If one of those men, if one of
the kicking men - A game of kicks.
If a grown man who wears shorts
for a living and does kicks
walked into a restaurant, you'd
get up and clap him, wouldn't you?
I doubt I'd recognise a man who
played the game of kicks for a job.
And also, we're dismissing
the possibility that this is
a slow handclap of derision.
- Just that really - Yeah.
So, it could be someone very obese.
It's a slow handclap
waiting for them to get to the table.
I think you're more likely
to do a trombone noise.
Barp, barp, barp, baaarrrp
I wonder if anyone really obese
has ever
walked into an all-you-can-eat buffet
and the geezer's going,
"No, you're having a laugh!"
In some restaurants in America,
they actually give you
a free meal to take home.
- Which is extraordinary.
- I think that's a takeaway.
No, but they bring you a plate
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm going to
narrow down your options.
Who said, "I can go
into a restaurant
"and a whole table will get up
and clap if they recognise me?"
Was it media mogul Rupert Murdoch?
Singer Lady Gaga?
Or Ugandan dictator Idi Amin?
I mean, Idi Amin, if he was
in Uganda, I feel there would be
a sense of, "We better get up
and clap, you know what he's like.
"He's all beheady
when he gets cross."
Rumours of cannibalism as well,
- you don't want to end up
on the menu! - Was he a cannibal?
- Did he really eat someone? Is that
a real thing? - There were rumours.
His family did try to sue
the makers of The King Of Scotland
for implying that he was a cannibal.
- Did they think that would
worsen his reputation? - Yes.
I've got to say, legally, he's
on shaky ground in terms of
libel generally being
about your reputation anyway.
Also, he's dead,
and you can't libel the dead.
You can say what you like about
the dead. You know, Hitler was gay!
He can't sue.
Can't you just leave Hitler alone?!
Hasn't he had enough flak?!
He had one bad
seven-to-eight-year patch!
And everyone's on him.
It's got to be Gaga, hasn't it?
I don't know if people would
recognise her, in a weird way.
She's kind of a bit of
a blank canvas.
I think I saw her on the tube once.
I think, genuinely,
I think I saw her on the tube.
I saw someone, you know,
they were really dressed down,
no make-up, in a hoodie,
on the tube.
This is a hell of an anecdote.
- I think it was her. Yeah, it doesn't
really - Yeah, it doesn't build.
Should've have lied, Jim,
in the second half of that story.
And just said,
"Oh, I saw her on the train
"and then she had a shit
in the corner of the tube."
- All right, we're saying Lady G'gah.
- That's your team's answer.
- Lady G'gah. - Lady G'gah.
- And Richard and Jimmy?
I think that's got Idi written
all over it. I think it's him.
- You think - I think Lady Gaga.
It sounds like the kind of thing
that she would say.
- You have to decide as a team.
- OK, fine. We're saying Gaga.
I feel like we could fall out
if I've got this wrong.
The thing is, I've said it, so,
I can always go, "Yeah, Jimmy, aww,"
- at the end, then I can gloat.
So, let's go for LG. - OK.
Everyone is saying
that it is Lady Gaga.
Well, the answer is Rupert Murdoch.
- GROANING
- So, you're all wrong.
I thought it was Lady Gaga. I did.
Why would you say that after you've
been told, you crazy fool?!
David, how did you get the part
of a CIA bigwig?
I auditioned for the part
in my bedroom.
In my bedroom! I recorded myself
on my phone, and I uploaded it
online and they said, "Yes, you're
the man to play the head of the CIA."
Why are you doing an English
voice now?
Can you do your Homeland voice,
please?
He's a completely fictitious
and made-up character.
I can't really make him up.
David, David, what
if I kind of start you off?
- I can do all accents. - Go on, then.
IN A BAD AMERICAN ACCENT:
Now, so, David,
how you doing today?!
What shall I say?Give me a line!
Give me a line!
- Someone give me a line?
- Send them all to Guantanamo Bay.
And then drown them a bit.
OK, here we go.
AMERICAN ACCENT: Send them all
to Guantanamo Bay.
And then drown them a bit.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
David, could I ask you a question?
Did you know whether he was going to
blow himself up at the end or not?
Oh, I haven't seen it!
David, can we have our next
quotation on the subject of ego,
- please? - Yes.
"I myself consider myself the most
powerful figure in the world."
Once again, it's one of Rupert
Murdoch, Lady Gaga or Idi Amin.
The way it's phrased,
it sounds like a Lionel Bart
sort of Oliver: The Musical.
I myself consider myself
The most powerful figure
in the world. ♪
- It sounds - It's the Artful Dodger
when he discovered cocaine,
wasn't it?
He got all self-centred.
I consider myself the most ♪
That's exactly the voice
I had in my head!
- How could you not finish that?
- It's a cliff-hanger.
- It's all in the elbows, the voice!
- That's how every cockney song starts.
David, I want to ask you,
because you're from Birmingham,
did you never come out of character
and sort of go
IN A BRUMMIE ACCENT:
"What do you fooking mean
he's going to blow himself up?!"
I got rid of my Birmingham accent
on my first day at drama school.
Yeah, when mine left me, I thought
I felt my identity was just lost.
I went back to the poor people
and I said, "Talk to me,
"I need to talk to you.
I need you to talk to me again!"
- All right, OK. - Very good.
- He's a man of a thousand voices!
So, who do you think said this?
Who's most like the Artful Dodger
out of Rupert Murdoch, Lady Gaga
and Idi Amin?
We're going to go for Rupert because
despite the other two, I can't see,
I know he was quite big in Uganda,
she's quite a good songer,
singwriter, whatever.
But I think he would say
something like that.
- He'd genuinely consider himself to be
that important. - I think Lady Gaga.
- She's culturally, incredibly
important, and she knows it. - OK.
Those are your answers.
Well, they're both wrong.
- The answer is Idi Amin.
- APPLAUSE
Amin invited himself to London
six months after coming to power.
Over coffee at Buckingham Palace,
the Queen asked him
- Any idea what he replied?
- You can't just turn up!
- You can if you're
President of Uganda. - Can you?
- Did he try and propose to her or
something? - Did he proposition her?
No, he said, to explain his visit
Did he think
she was running Clarke's?
I don't know,
I suppose he was thinking,
- "I'll pop in on my way to Clarke's."
- Do you think he was flirting?
Because there is a thing
with big feet,
and that being, people thinking
that you might have a large
Why is this just being addressed
to me? I have no idea!
You're beside me! Did he flirt, was
he saying, "I've got size 14"?
I dunno! I wasn't there!
- Well, if I said to you - I don't
know, Jimmy! I wasn't there!
- I don't know what he was trying
to do! - I'll try now, if I said
- Why? - It's difficult to find
I'm just here
to quiz about quotations,
not to go through
the psychodrama with you.
- Is it? - You're so close to me.
You weirdo. Why? What are you
hoping will come of this?!
Nothing's going to
come of this, Jimmy!
Can you see how far back
I'm leaning?
This is as far back as I can lean!
I don't like this moment!
I don't like anything about it!
No, stop the moment!
- Why can't this stop?! Can this not
stop?! - I think I should stop. - Yes!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, at the end of
our Threesomes round,
I can tell you that
the teams are tied.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Over the break,
see if you can complete this
quotation from Charlie Chaplin
in 1914 when he was renegotiating
his contract with Keystone Studios.
All I need to make a comedy is
what?
Tweet your answer to us.
We'll see you in a couple
of minutes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to
Was It Something I Said?
Before the break,
we asked you to complete
this quotation from Charlie Chaplin.
..what? Any thoughts, panel?
His moustache,
Charlie Chaplin's moustache
Was Hitler's based on his?
Jimmy, I can't believe you're
trying to mine Hitler for humour.
I think I knowthis.
"..a park, a policeman and a pretty
girl," cos it's alliterative.
Also, that scenario now
is cause for concern.
It no longer applies in comedy.
Could we have the
full quotation, please?
HE READS THE QUOTATION
- Well done.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I would I would high-five you
- Yes, we can - If we could touch
Yes, the full quote was
"All I need to make a comedy is"
CHARLIE: ..timing!
APPLAUSE
Yes, the full quote was,
"All I need to make a com"
..repetition!
You You begin to make me
look like a moron.
Yes, the full quote was,
"All I need to make a comedy
"is a park, a policeman
and a pretty girl."
Also, all that's needed to end
a promising career as a politician.
Now, the next round
is called Keywords.
We give our panellists
a few keywords
and ask them
to work out the whole quotation.
So, for instance, if we gave you
"fight" and "beaches",
you would, of course, have to work
out a quotation from Churchill
or from a lifeguard in Magaluf.
OK, here's one
from US President Abraham Lincoln,
taken from one of the greatest
speeches of American history.
Every American schoolkid knows
this quote, but do our panellists?
As your first clue, David,
can we have two keywords, please?
Score and seven.
That is a very famous quote.
It's the Gettysburg Address.
I can't necessarily get it
word for word but I think it was
"I didn't do very well
in my local pub's darts tournament,
"I only got a score of seven."
OK, "Fourscore and seven years ago,
westarted America."
That's the gist of it and it was
based on the principle of
- er, all men are equal.
- You're in the right area.
Can we have the third keyword,
please, David?
Equal.
I think Jimmy suspected "equal".
Yeah, something about
all men are created equal,
which I don't think's
From what my girlfriend says,
it's not the case.
Some of her ex-boyfriends
have been terrific at stuff.
Well, I'm going to I'm going to
press you to a specific guess.
I'm going to have a bash.
Is it "Fourscore years ago
and seven,
"our forefathers declared
that all men shall be equal"?
I'll take that and I'll raise it.
- "Fourscore and seven years ago, our
forefathers" - That's what I said.
- "Founded" - "..this country
on the principle of equality"
"..the principle that all
that all men are equal."
Well, you've both
I mean, you've got
Can we have
the full quotation, please?
In an American accent.
HE READS QUOTE IN AN AMERICAN ACCEN
"..and dedicated to the proposition
that all men"
How good's that impression?!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I-I think both teams did very well.
You got
the "fourscore and seven years"
and the "all men are created equal".
There wasn't so much "new nation
conceived in liberty" coming forward
but, you know
when that came up, I didn't even know
who he was. I didn't know who he was.
I just thought, "Who is the geezer?"
He looks like the lead singer
of Mumford and Sons or something.
So, at the end of
our Keywords round,
a quick look at the scores tells me
that Richard's team is in the lead.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So up next is a round called
What Are They Talking About?
You're going to hear a quote
that's been taken completely
out of context -
an idea we got from the Daily Mail.
All the panellists have to do
is work out
what the hell
that person is talking about.
Here's a quotation from actress
Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Can we hear it, please, David?
HE READS THE QUOTE
I think it's a classic piece
of misdirection.
You want us all
to think it's something rude
and they were having oral sex
to cure his throat cancer.
But it's probably
birdwatching or something.
I'm very happy to go down
the oral sex road. I'm
Sorry, that's not a I wasn't
I mean, you can imagine him, though,
he'd probably get halfway down her
and go, "Where am I going? What?
"What am I doing here?"
But if it's halfway down,
isn't he in the right place?
Well
I start at the tits.
Sorry, I'm just trying to
think of the scale of it.
I don't suck my wife's head,
if you put it like that.
And sleep. And sleep. And sleep.
This is not about oral sex.
They were playing golf at the time.
- Naked! They were playing golf naked!
- Did a bird shit on them?
Did they need to pee? Did they?
I don't know.
These are plausible answers.
But they're not correct?
Well, let's see. David,
can we have the full quotation?
HE READS THE QUOTE
"..take his pants down.
It happened once"
So hang on, so, if he hits the ball,
if he sort of messes up the shot,
he has got to flash?
Yes.
I mean, that has really incentivised
the paparazzi to follow them
around the whole 18 holes.
She is saying this as
though it really is a rule.
But, this isn't a rule.
You can play golf
without doing this.
- We were closer. - Yes.
- You were closer.
- So you do get the points, well done.
- We're coming back.
APPLAUSE
Now, our next round is
the Was It Something I Said? round.
In which each team has to work out
who said the following quotations.
It'll either be from one of us
on the show tonight
or from our virtual guest,
Piers Morgan.
So, obviously the stakes in the show
have just shot up,
as everyone on the panel
stares right down the barrel
of the possibility
that a quote of theirs
is about to be judged the sort
of thing Piers Morgan might say.
So, first up is Micky's team.
Who said the following?
Was it Richard, Jimmy, David, me,
or Piers Morgan?
- We can rule you out. - Can you?
- You would never have been a bailiff.
I'm handy.
POSH ACCENT: "You either pay up
or we're taking the motor."
It's like I'm in the room!
- So you're ruling me out?
- We are ruling you out.
To be a proper bailiff, I think
you have to have a real clear line
between what's right and wrong.
- Do you?
- That rules Jimmy out straightaway.
- David has got the physical
presence - Thank you very much.
- Not you! - And he can act.
He could go up, "All right, babe?
COCKNEY ACCENT: "Didn't want to
do this, but if I get my foot in"
- Birmingham, Birmingham. - Oh.
BRUMMIE: "Sorry, love, I'm going
to have to take your motor."
LAUGHTER
At the same time,
it could be Piers Morgan.
It's a toss-up between David
over there and Piers Morgan.
- We'll say Piers Morgan.
- You're going to say Piers Morgan?
- Yes. - Well, you're wrong. It's David.
- Oh! We were so close.
What's the story there?
When we were at drama school, we all
had to basically take summer jobs.
And this one day, I was allocated
this job as a bailiff.
And I kind of went to the first house
and there was this little old lady,
and we had to go in
and take her cabinet.
And
Are you 100% sure
you didn't get a job as a burglar?
She had obviously paid
for this cabinet on HP
and she couldn't afford it
and we had to take it.
And I put in the van and
I said, "I'm sorry, I'm off."
And I just got out and walked home.
Have you still got
the cabinet, though?
I'll give you a fair price
for it, mate.
It's not what you think of people
buying on hire purchase, is it?
A cabinet.
A poor old lady
who's got into trouble
because of her
elaborate cabinet habit.
"Oh, I mustn't!
"But it is such a beautiful cabinet!
"I can put all my knick-knacks
in just that one cabinet.
"Except I've got nine other cabinets
I still haven't paid for!"
- It was a nice cabinet. I mean, I
would have had it. - You did have it.
So, next up, it's Richard's team.
Who said the following?
Was it Micky, Charlie, David,
me, or Piers Morgan?
- You were in a band,
weren't you, Charlie? - I was, yes.
- So you were in bands
when you were 16? - No.
- I was a bit of a twat, though.
- It's Charlie. He's just said.
As watertight as that is
I think it's David.
Hang on, what was Micky doing
when he was 16?
I imagine you had,
what, a couple of kids?
From a couple of different mums?
I think it's Charlie, you
think it's David, let's go Micky.
I'm happy with that.
Well, the answer is Charlie Higson.
Wasn't that a clue? When he said?
He said he was a twat when
he was 16, was that not a clue?
Should we have not gone with that?
He said it! He said it!
We both heard, and I said,
"Well, we should go for him!"
- And you said - I just
You look so like Roger Federer.
..to me. I'm All I'm thinking is,
why am I playing tennis?
It feels like we have had
a real breakdown in communications.
That is all we have got time for.
And a quick look
at the scores tells me
this week's winners
are Richard and Jimmy.
APPLAUSE
Thank you to Micky and Charlie,
Richard and Jimmy,
and to our guest narrator,
David Harewood.
And we leave you with a surprising
revelation from Virginia Woolf.
And I believe Virginia Woolf's
successfully secreted jelly
is now available at Waitrose.
Goodnight.