We Might Regret This (2024) s01e01 Episode Script

This programme contains adult humour,
scenes of a sexual nature from the
start and very strong language
SIGHING AND KISSING
Oh, dear!
Oh, Ty, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, God! Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!
Whoa, whoa!
CLATTER
BUZZING
Right, erm
Uh, maybe knock next time?
Absolutely, yes, yes.
Sorry. I will, yeah.
Do you want me back inseven mins?
12?
Sorry, it's just I know some people
can go and go and go.
BUZZING CONTINUES
I think just pop it on the side.
Yeah.
BUZZING REVERBERATES
Oh, sorry. I'll call you later.
Yep! Just keep me in the loop!
Ah!
SHE LAUGHS
I just want to
God, you are everywhere! Ohh!
Thank you.
I do try to make myself
both visible and invisible.
Yeah. Definitely visible.
Hey.
I just want you to know I think
what you're doing for Freya
is amazing.
The whole father-figure thing.
It's so heart-warming.
I mean, if I were a middle-aged,
greying, bankruptcy lawyer,
and a hot, young Canadian artist
moved in,
I'd be beside myself
with insecurity.
But not you! And do you know why?
Because you're
one of the good ones, Abe.
Thank you, Ty.
Thank you.
Here, I'll leave you to it.
Oh! Let's try that.
A whole year long distance?
I mean, I struggle with my wax lady
being 40 minutes away.
But, I mean, look at you now! Hey?
Miracles.
They happen, people!
Ty, I want to talk to you
about last night.
Oh
It was so cute to see you
both enjoying each other's bodies.
Honestly. I mean, I always wondered
whether it worked
with you down there.
Oh, it It works. Yeah, Ty,
I don't really think that's.
CASE CLATTERS
SHE GASPS
Can you actually feel everything?
Everything.
And orgasm too, so
Wow.
And can Abe feel it too?
DOORBELL RINGS
I'll get it!
You know, I once orgasmed in three
seconds on just salt alone.
I know, I know.
Abe, hey! Surprise!
You're looking good, man.
Hello, Jo.
What you doing?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm early but, you
know, I thought I could go home
or, you know,
just come straight here.
Or go home.
The party's not for ten hours.
Yeah, but what's, like, ten hours
between friends? I mean, right?
SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
About ten hours.
Jo? Freya?
Hello!
Freya?
Argh! Oh, my God, Jo!
My God, it's so fucking good
to see you. What?!
Congrats on, um,
all your newlife decisions.
Oh, thanks.
I didn't know you were coming!
Hi. I'm Ty.
Freya's personal care assistant.
And friend. Hey, Ty.
Oh! House-warming!
Ah! Sorry, the Eurostar didn't
have any big ones.
Wow, thank you.
So, how long are you
sticking around for? Ugh, dude.
I am literally homeless right now.
I had to get the fuck out of Lille.
Oh, we'd love to have you stay,
right?
Absolutely.
Stop. You're judging.
She's my best friend.
Ex-best friend, I thought.
Been nearly a year, hasn't it?
Freya, I'm laying out
some dresses for your interview.
Is it insane if we co-ordinate?
WHISPERS: Oh, my God, she's
going to make me commit a crime.
I had a nightmare I was trapped in
an escape room with her last week.
Just her.
TY SINGS
What would her notice period be?
You just want her fired because
she saw your ball sack last night?
No, I
I want to fire her because of
Her personality? Yeah!
Well, no.
Yeah.
I'm sorry I come with such
a highly irritating plus one.
I'm just happy you're here.
I don't care who you come with.
And I know that my art stuff
is quite, um Big?
Distinctive.
Asshole.
Go kick arse at your interview.
I don't want to go.
Don't do it, then. You don't
need to do it.
I don't want to be a kept woman.
God, I love love.
Can I just?
I wondered where these might look
better on someone standing.
So, what's this meeting?
Uh, it's no big deal.
Oh Our Freya was scouted
as a model.
OK, that makes it sound impressive.
I just, you know, hash-tagged
wheelchair on Instagram,
and this diversity agency
slipped into my DMs. Mmm.
Do you think it's going to
be like America's Next Top Model?
God, this job!
Wipes.
TY SINGS
Wow! She's, like, dolphin frequency
annoying. Yeah.
you should have seen the people
that I didn't hire.
I mean, at least she's
Extra wipes.
..efficient.
So moodelling? Hmm.
Doesn't that kind of, like,
compromise your artistic integrity?
Yeah, obviously,
but I have to do it.
I really need the money.
Plus, disability's having a moment.
Hey, you were disabled
way before it was cool.
I know, right?
I've been doing this for years.
Tell me where you've been?
Look, it's been 11 months.
It's so long my tits
have grown a cup size.
I've been busy!
With what? Hey, did you make
this catheter chandelier?!
Yeah.
SHE PLAYS A FANFARE
I pissed out of those. Oh!
Right.
Honest to God,
do you think it's presumptuous if
I packed some headshots of my own?
Knock yourself out.
I'm going to need two minutes.
DOORBELL RINGS
It's fine. We've got,
like, 20 minutes. Vroom-vroom.
To make, like, a 55-minute journey?
Beep-beep.
Ty, can you not make the sounds,
please?
PHONE CHIMES
Excuse me, sir, wheelchair waiting.
PHONE CHIMES
Crikey. Hey! Hey, what the fuck!
Excuse me. What's up your arse?
Pickle. What's that even mean?
OK, so
So you're cleaning my house? No, no.
You only do that when you're
nervous. No. What is it? What?
No, it's done. It's done. Stop.
Done.
So, what? What? It's nothing.
It's nothing.
Well, it's a couple of things. Um
One, um, I'm throwing Freya
a little welcome-to-London party,
and, erm
Yeah, I think I'd like you to come.
Are you sure that's wise?
Which bit?
Oh, God.
The innocence.
OK. And two?
Two is, um
..I would like a divorce.
Please.
So I guess, for me, it's
like disability is just a subject
worth exploring, right,
because it's kind of like
I mean, we all have needs, right,
and requirements,
so I guess through modelling, that's
kind of what I'd want to do
is like highlight that in more
of a kind of like,
my body may be different to you,
but, like, there's no difference,
right?
You know what I mean? Like, there's
nuance.
Sorry, I was completely
out of it there.
Yeah, I'll be honest.
I was just staring at your jawline.
So have you modelled much before?
Oh, just some life drawing stuff
in Canada. Oh!
Comfortable with nudity? OK. Tick.
If I may Yes. I think what Olivia
and I are most excited about
Sorry, wait a second, I thought
Aren't you Olivia?
BOTH: We're both Olivia.
..is your raw talent.
Yeah, I don't really know
if I'm a model, so Um
OK, can I just stop you there?
You're the most fucking stunning
woman I've ever seen in my life. Mm.
Yeah. And in terms of sell-ability,
right now,
I mean as a proud
white disabled woman
I'm not, er, white.
Who is?
Yeah, well, I mean, I guess
I am a bit,
but, like, also part Guyanese,
part Chinese.
Oh! An angel rolled in from heaven.
So it's going well, then? Mm-hm.
It's going really well. Yes.
Yeah. It's complicated but
Well, I mean, I'd imagine it'd be
complicated. Yeah.
She's not. I mean, she's not
She's not complicated,
but it's the wholethe whole,
you know, 24-hour PA thing and
What do you mean PA? Carer?
Er, yes.
You don't do a single thing for her?
You LAZY fuck!
Easy now. No, I would, but she needs
24-hour round-the-clock care
from a professional.
That's just how it is.
Right. Hmm.
That must be weird.
It's an adjustment.
So, how's the sex?
The sex is the best sex I think
I've ever No! I was joking.
And also, just fuck off!
I mean, with a bit of shaping
from us,
I'm seeing Paris, Milan, Tokyo,
Caracas.
Yes. I'd just love to see
a pay cheque!
Oh. She's funny.
Mmm. We can use that.
Yeah. Yeah.
Bottom line is, right,
brands are dying to put
someone like you in their ads. Hmm.
And I am dying to be in them.
Hey, Frey!
Do you have any cigarettes?
I'm so sorry,
her English isn't great.
Hola. Hola.
TRANSLATION:
Oh! Olivia!
OLIVIAS GIGGLE
I had a boyfriend from Granada.
So, is this all
I can do you for, then -
a quick cuppa and a slice
of divorce, or?
ANERICAN ACCENT: That's about it.
I hate it when you do that voice.
I know.
How's your knee? Feeling bendy?
You're not going to propose?
Oh!
Right
Oh. I'm on it.
Shit, Abe.
No, I've just got the parking.
That's all. Abe. Abe
So, are you and Freya best friends?
Er, yeah.
We used to be.
Oh. What happened?
Well, you know, um, Freya's
wholewheelchairlook?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Obviously.
Um And please keep this
between us. Oh, yeah.
Mm-mm
Thank you.
When we were kids Mm-hm?
..we were really, really close.
We were, like, six or seven,
and, um, there was this bridge that
we used to play on,
and it was
It was very, very high.
And, I don't know,
one day, something just, like,
took over me
..and I justpushed.
Wow
Oh, my God.
If you want to tell someone you love
them, you don't have to propose.
You can just buy them flowers
or a bath bomb. You all right, Dad?
Hello, boy.
How's life with declining looks
and intellect?
Have you washed your hands
since your last little wank-a-thon?
Ooh, can I remind you
this is a woman's space?
How's your mistress?
Freya's good, thank you.
Yeah, settling in nicely.
Hey! You can reduce
your carbon cock print
now you're not travelling
back and forth to Canada
to have intercourse
with a woman my age!
How about you and your failed
East Asian odyssey?
Indonesia? I mastered the art
of the perfect nasi goreng,
and then fucked a conservationist.
I would like to call that
a resounding success.
Yeah, that white woman with
dreadlocks. She was really lovely.
We didn't really discuss
her heritage.
I thought you said she was Dutch.
But all in all,
it was a trip of a lifetime.
Mm-hm. Until you got sectioned.
Yeah, until I got sectioned.
You're all right now, aren't you,
darling? I'm doing fine, thanks.
I'm not the one having a mid-life
crisis, albeit a very inclusive one.
WHISPERS: He's all right?
I think so.
Ground floor. You've reached
the voicemail of Ty
Doors opening.
Oh, hey, you're here.
How did it go?
Hey! Yeah. Where's Ty?
She's not answering.
Oh, I sent her out to get
some cigarettes and paracetamol.
You can't do that.
Why not? She's a PA.
Not your PA. Fuck, I need to pee.
OK.
Relax. Relax. I'll do your cath.
What?
What? I did it once at uni.
Your hands were numb
because you were on K!
You peed! Um, excuse me, hi.
Do you have a disabled bathroom?
We do. Yes.
Um, it is still technically
being built,
but we have one on the way,
which I think is the headline.
Fuck's sake.
So, you sure you remember
how to do? Yeah.
Catheterisation is my middle name.
If you mess it up, I'm going to get
a UTI. Yeah, I know.
Um
So you're wiping there, right, yeah?
Yeah. Wipe.
There we are. Wiping.
Yeah.
OK. Do you see the urethra?
Uh, yeah, of course I do.
Ooh, there it is,
sneaky little fucker!
OK.
Slowly! I know! Slowly.
I'm a gentle lover. I doubt that.
Ah! Ooh! It's in. See?
I told you I could do it. I'm like
the pied piper of piss.
Ooh, shit.
What? You've, uh No.
It's just a little
No, it's not.
You're closing your right eye.
Oh, it really stings.
Don't lick your lips. Oh,
and it's salty.
SHE SPITS
I've missed you.
Agh, yeah, who wouldn't miss this?
Jo, you're wiping piss on a model.
Shut up! They signed you?
Now you're finally
just a pretty face!
It's all I ever wanted to be.
Uh
Can you close my legs? Yes. Yeah.
For when the disabled loo's ready.
Thank you.
Jo! What you doing?
Jo? I hate being late.
I can't believe you
haven't been up here.
He could be living
under a fake identity!
I mean, I know you hate boundaries
but this is ridiculous.
Do you want me to call the police?
What? No.
She's my best friend.
WHISPERS: But she did this to you.
What?
Freya, there's a room up here full
of dolls that look just like you.
And they have big boobies.
Jo?
Yeah?
Right, listen, it's my
responsibility
to get you places on time.
No, Ty, no. We have to go!
What the fuck? Ty, stop!
Fuck.
We need to talk.
Absolutely.
It's just It's not working out.
You and Abe?
No. Oh.
It's about Jo.
What about me?
Uh, it's probably best
it comes from Freya.
No, Ty, it's just there have been
a few instances when
..and it's not an all-the-time
thing, but I do wonder if
Maybe we just It would be better
if we maybe took a
Ty, you're fired.
And there's two weeks' notice,
so I obviously want you to come
tonight Oh.
Right, yeah, that's totally, um
That's fair. I get it.
II guess maybe since becoming
such good friends,
probably we shouldn't be
colleagues anyway.
I agree.
Great.
I agree too. Yeah.
Here she is. Oh Hi.
Didn't think you were going to
show up. I fired Ty.
What? I fired Ty. Yes!
I mean, oh, no. How did she take it?
Hi, Freya! Yeah. Well, I think.
Hey. Who are all these assholes?
Mainly Abe's friends and family.
OK, that looks like
I'm going for a wazz. Hey!
Have you found out how long Jo
is planning on staying?
This is so lovely.
Look at all of this.
I feel Aw! ..so welcome.
Oh, good. Shame you missed
the national anthem.
Oh, yeah? We sang it four times.
OK. That's kind of disgusting.
TOILET FLUSHES
Thank you.
Sorry, I prefer the ladies'.
It's a better vibe.
Clearly, mommy issues. No, actually
it's because I've got a massive cock
and in the urinals people stare.
So, what was it -
too much love or not enough?
Neither. Hate women
or idealise them?
Hmm Both.
Why, what about you?
Oh, that's easy. Daddy issues.
I like it hard.
OK, you got me. My mum left us
when I was ten. Hmm.
I knew it!
Fuck you, Esther Perel!
No, you didn't.
Well, at least you got a big dick
out of it, right?
Massive.
Who are you?
Do you really care?
Not particularly, no.
Um
Thank you.
You're welcome.
MUSIC PLAYS
Vodka martini.
Slightly dirty.
Excellent choice.
He's throwing some serious shapes.
He's throwing ALL of the shapes.
From 1998.
Is he an old friend?
Ex-husband, actually.
Oh, shit! Oh shit is right.
"Oh shit" could have been
our wedding vows, actually.
Cheers.
Oh, fuck me, that is delicious.
Why aren't you dancing?
God, there are so many reasons.
Oh, stop it, you'll school 'em.
Doreen's drunk.
Yeah. I saw that. Do you want me
to? Yeah. Would you?
Yeah.
Gin and tonic, please, Jo.
Damn, we're all out.
I didn't know you worked here.
I didn't know you
invited your ex-wife.
OK, look, um,
I know you guys are very close
Oh. Your ex-wife? No, I just met
her. She's lovely, though.
Very good.
I know you don't have
much of an opinion of me.
I don't know you, Abe.
When Freya met you travelling,
I was basically pushed out
of my London trip, so
OK. Listen, listen.
I'm very happy to have you stay
for a couple of days,
but we are starting a life together,
she's settling in, and whilst she
does, the last thing she needs
Is a bat-shit marriage proposal
in public?
OK, I'm not going to see her
get hurt again, Jo.
Well, that makes two of us.
A couple of days.
Yeah, it's long distance.
Oh, yes.
All straight, bro? Special delivery.
I've put four shots in this one.
Um, I'm so glad you're here.
Ty is like fucking blackout drunk,
and I have no clue about
what I'm going to do tonight.
Cool. Listen,
I really need to speak to you.
SLURRED: You look gorgeous.
You special thing. Oh-ho-ho.
Now, tell me, hand on heart,
can you get out of this thing?
Um
So, do you still carry
emergency coke? Yes!
BANG ON DOOR
BOTH: Occupied!
I bet it's fucking Doreen.
So, go on.
Make your comments about
how I'm moving too quickly,
and how Abe's a boring old man.
Yeah, I mean, I get it,
he's ancient, so you've got to do it
whilst he's still alive. Wah-wah!
Uh All right.
Fuck. OK. I think maybe
..you know, it's moving
a little fast. Or like
..he is, at least.
What's that supposed to mean?
Uh Do you know what? Forget it,
don't worry about it.
Forget what? Go on. Tell me.
Uh
SHE SNIFFS
OK. OK.
Um, so
I think that Abe is going to
propose.
What?
Yeah. Like, maybe now.
Uh Uh, so
I'm sorry to We'll get the music
back on in just ajust a second.
And, um, I will just say a few words
if that's OK.
But I will I think I'm just going
to wait until she
..reappears.
Yeah, this is OK. Yeah.
The way I see it,
you've got two options, right?
Uh-huh. You can say yes.
Like, that's a thing, right?
Oroh! We can leave right now.
I'm serious, listen to me.
We can leave right now,
we can hit up Provence.
I have access to an insane
lake house. I mean, I'm
I'm fucking the guy I've
always wanted
in the house I've always wanted
in the motherfucking city
I have always wanted!
Amen. This is This is great.
This is GREAT! Fucking great.
You know, the louder you say it,
the more I believe you.
What the fuck?
We just moved in together.
It's so soon.
I love him, but, like, in public?
A little bit awkward
but that's OK.
Let's just talk amongst yourselves,
I guess, till we're
Is she there? She's not even
Why are you here, anyway!
I'm here for you, obviously!
No, you're lying!
I haven't seen you for a year,
and you turn up to my place
looking like fucking roadkill.
Hey! Don't turn on me.
I mean not now. You look great now.
Yeah, OK.
You want me to help you or not? Huh?
Yeah.
Do you want me to buy you some time?
Freya!
FIRE ALARM BLARES
There you are. Hey, are you OK?
Yeah. Where did you go?
I was about to do my big speech.
I just had to pee.
Yes. Really? At that very moment?
Yeah, that's generally how it works,
Dad.
Oh, uh, Levi, Jo.
Jo, Levi. Levi is Abe's son.
Hello.
Hi.
Your coat, madam. Oh.
You just
You could have just been nice to me.
Which way's north?
OK, um
How long before we can get
a replacement?
Dude, no.
No!
Dude, no.
You've got You've got other
things you need to be
..moving on for, right?
WHISPERS: I need you.
Fine. I'll do it.
I guess we have someone.