Wellmania (2023) s01e01 Episode Script

1
[sirens wailing]
[paramedic 1] We have a female patient,
unconscious with a head injury.
[paramedic 2] Olivia, can you hear me?
- Olivia, can you hear me?
- [gasps]
- [cardiac monitor beeping]
- [Olivia] Fuck.
- Look, it's okay. It's okay. No.
- [paramedic 2] You're okay.
- You're in an ambulance.
- No, no. I need to
- [monitor beeping rapidly]
- Let me out.
[paramedic 1] Ow! Whoa!
- It's okay.
- Off. Off.
- [paramedic 1] Stop.
- What is Let me out!
- Miss Healy
- Oh, my boob!
What? No, I need to get home!
- [paramedic 2] Grab her!
- Oh, God! I wanna go home!
[racy music playing]
[panting and moaning]
[man] Sorry. My bad.
[man panting]
- [Olivia] That's too much eye contact.
- [man] Okay.
- [panting] Oh, shit, I'm coming.
- [man] Okay.
[breathing heavily]
[moaning loudly]
- You need to skedaddle.
- Oh.
- You don't wanna grab a bite?
- Well, I can't.
I wanna say, Kevin?
- Tomorrow?
- No can do.
I'll be in Australia tomorrow.
Right.
No, really. It's my best friend's 40th.
I'm flying in for the weekend
to surprise her.
Your life is intense.
Yeah, well, existence is random,
life is short.
If you're not making the most
of every moment, what's the fucking point?
Okay. Ow.
I've been so good all of my life ♪
Played by the rules
To make things right ♪
But now I'm taking my sweet time ♪
- Hey.
- Yo, Liv.
My wife loved that bar you recommended.
[Liv] Told you the oysters would work.
[people laughing]
Here she is.
[chuckles]
Here we go.
Hi, Valerie.
I'm not gonna hassle you
about being a judge for the new TV show.
Although, I do stand by my original pitch.
"World's top chefs being judged
by Banquet's top food writer."
Me. I'd watch the shit out of it.
I know I'm not the obvious choice,
but I think
I'd watch the shit out of it too.
In fact, I think a million people
across 120 territories
would watch the shit out of it.
You're my pick.
Get the fuck out.
- Your writing's on point.
- Oh, my God.
You got a palate like no one else.
All the best chefs respect you,
and this whole Australian thing,
I can sell it.
Oh, my God. I can't feel my face.
Is this really happening?
Is my face being weird?
One problem.
Outside the food industry,
Liv Healy means nothing.
Oh, wow, harsh.
- It's true, but harsh.
- The show execs see you as a wild card.
I need to prove to them
that your voice can reach an audience
outside the food industry.
Sure.
How, exactly?
I need you to write an article.
Yeah, I need you to write something
that raises your profile globally.
The execs need to see you
reach a large audience,
build familiarity, go viral.
The show launches in four weeks.
Let's talk tomorrow. We'll talk strategy.
Can we make it Monday?
Gotta go to Australia for the weekend.
Yeah. Yes. Have your fun.
Yeah.
Come Monday, it's on.
Seriously, this is gonna take you
from Stefani Germanotta
to Lady fucking Gaga.
Oh, I fucking love her.
[phone beeps]
Oh.
Okay, I gotta bounce.
My dog needs her epilepsy meds.
Hmm.
- I'll talk to you soon.
- Yeah.
- This is huge.
- Wow.
- Don't fuck it up.
- Uh-huh.
I'm celebrating.
["Good Time Girl" by SOFI TUKKER playing]
Yum.
Damn. Yes.
- Cheers.
- Thank you.
[stewardess] Ladies and gentlemen, we'll
shortly begin our descent into Sydney,
where it's hot at 38 degrees.
- Fuck me dead. How's the fucking humidity?
- Welcome to Sydney, mate.
Happy birthday to you ♪
Happy birthday to you ♪
Happy birthday, dear Amy ♪
Amy!
Holy fuck!
I know! Here's the best present ever!
Don't see how this tops
the air fryer we got her.
What?
- Hi.
- This is the best present ever.
Oh, I'm so happy you're here.
Oh, as if I'd miss it, you maniac.
- Here.
- Oh. What
Here, hold all this.
I'm gonna make a toast.
Oh, I'm just gonna grab that. Thank you.
- Okay.
- [woman] I was drinking that.
Hello, everyone! Hello! Hi!
Amy Kwan,
you are a beautiful, flawless person.
You've been my ride-or-die
since high school and my soul mate.
- [Amy] Aw.
- And there is no one in the world that I
[glass cracking]
Oh, shit.
[all gasping]
Holy fuck.
Let's get the party started!
[upbeat music playing]
You can call me the good-time girl ♪
[snoring]
[door opens]
- Oh, wake up, boofhead.
- [Liv groans]
Get out!
Oh, you stink.
God!
Far out. What are you doing here anyway?
Oh, wedding stuff with Mum.
- Welcome home.
- Oh, get out.
[groans]
Oh, Mum, so the celebrant is confirmed,
but I spoke to the florist.
Unfortunately, the peonies
will be out of season.
We'll just have to go with the lilies.
Oh, that's a shame. You love peonies.
But the lilies will be just as pretty.
Don't you think, Liv?
Wonder what your gay ancestors would think
about you entering
into an antiquated institution
that's predominantly
about oppression and ownership.
That I'm making it fabulous.
Some vitamin C.
Strawsie?
- Yes!
- Wow.
This level of pathetic is hard to watch.
Says the guy who visits his mum
five times a week, Gaz.
- It's not that often.
- I love having you both home.
[Liv] Mm-hmm.
- Now, what do you want for dinner?
- [Liv] Surprise me.
- Oh! No. Your lamb chops. Delectable.
- [Gaz] Hmm.
I have some big news.
Picture this.
Internationally renowned chefs
compete to be crowned world's best.
Coming this fall, Banquet Royale,
your newest food obsession.
It's a TV show, and I'm one of the judges.
But, wait, aren't you a writer?
A great writer.
And that's why they want me, my voice,
so I can share my taste
with, like, a gajillion people.
Do you know who is a wonderful cook?
Andrea Seidelman.
Do you remember her from netball?
- Oh, her dad was hot.
- Oh, her dad was hot.
Well, she cooked
the most delicious date slice
for the surf club fundraiser.
What's this got to do with anything?
Well, I was just saying it was very moist.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't realize it was moist.
[Lorraine] Oh, Olivia.
- I need some air.
- [Gaz] Hmm.
Oh, that's
Mum, that's a health hazard.
[Liv] Your face is a health hazard.
Put all of my pennies
In a roll of the dice ♪
'Cause lately I've been ready
For a lightning bolt to strike ♪
I'm a fool's paradise ♪
Oh, I will never slow down ♪
I will never go round and round, no ♪
I'm just out here trying every day ♪
Forget it. I'll find a whistleblower
willing to go on record.
Uh, Evie, can you pause TikTok
and go make your bed?
You can't pause TikTok.
If you wanna go to Sarah's,
get upstairs now.
God, you need to chill, Amy.
That's "Mum" to you.
[in Cantonese] Her attitude stinks lately.
Just like you at that age.
- Just got the bill from yesterday.
- Mmm.
Didn't look like a $700 table.
At least it was a memorable birthday.
Yeah, it's pretty cool Liv flew
halfway around the world for you.
But you organized a beautiful lunch.
In fact,
you're so sweet and understanding,
you probably wouldn't mind if I took
my best friend to the awards tonight.
Oh! First I'm down 700 bucks, now this.
Oh, Liv's heard me bang on
about the AJAs since uni.
Please?
Fine. I'll watch a movie in my tux.
You're the best.
[overlapping muffled sounds]
[fast-paced music playing]
Oh, you little shit. That's my stuff!
Come here! Call the authorities!
Oh, no, they're expensive.
Oh, God!
Wait! Oh. Oh, it hurts!
- Oh, my God.
- Are you okay?
- Oh, it's just the kid's got my shit.
- Come with me.
[Liv] You're the cops.
Really, that's all you can do?
My green card is in that bag,
and I cannot be stranded here,
so can you please let me know
if it shows up?
Yeah, I know it's slim odds, but
Thanks. NWA were right.
Some alkalized water?
Oh, yes, thank you.
Your aura is very purple.
Wow, it just went bright red.
Here, let me cleanse it for you.
Okay. Thank you, nice lady, for
the magic water, but I'm gonna head off.
Wait. Wait.
I have something for you.
Hematite.
It will ground and stabilize you.
I don't need to be grounded.
I have a flight tomorrow
and no green card.
I need to figure out
how to get back into the US.
Yeah, I don't think we have that crystal.
Yeah, no shit.
I don't need a crystal, I need a
I need a miracle worker.
You're a miracle worker.
Thank you. I owe you big time.
Right, my contact got you an appointment
at the US consulate tomorrow at 10.
They'll give you a travel document,
and you'll be good to make your flight.
You are one well-connected goddess.
Thank you.
I am. And can't smoke in here, okay?
Trying to teach my preteen drugs are bad.
I can't let her know I'm a hypocrite.
Ooh, that's good.
Right, what am I gonna wear?
Ooh!
- What do we think of this?
- Ah, serious BVE.
Huh?
- Big vag energy.
- Get fucked. I've had two kids.
Oh, God, it's a compliment.
- Oh.
- It's like Yeah.
Have you written
your acceptance speech yet?
- I'm just happy to be nominated.
- That is absolute bullshit, Kwan.
- I know you wanna win.
- Yeah, of course, but you can't say that.
Why not? You're the shit.
Okay, it doesn't mean this Asian woman
will win up against four men called Chris.
Cool. All right, well,
what about your gracious loser face?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, no. Stop it.
You look constipated at best. No.
Oh, I'm bad at this.
- Yes.
- Okay.
So I was thinking,
why don't you just come with me tonight?
What?
And walk into a room full of people
who have either rejected me or fired me?
- Yeah.
- That's my idea of hell.
Yeah, I know.
It's the reason I moved to New York,
and you know that.
Oh, but come on,
now you're killing it. Okay?
What is the best revenge?
If you say living well,
I will punch you in your perky bosoms.
No, shoving your success
in the face of those arseholes.
You're gonna be
a judge on a fancy TV show,
and I did just call in a massive favor
to get you that consulate appointment.
[sighs]
Fine, I'll come.
But only if I can wear this.
Oh, I dare you.
Remember when I had sex
with Doug's brother at your wedding?
- What?
- What?
[woman] Thank you. Yes.
Thanks very much. Appreciate it.
- Hi.
- [Lorraine] Oh, hi, darling.
- Hi, Mary.
- Heard about your ordeal with your bag.
- Yeah.
- Want a lollipop?
- Yes. Yes, I do. Oh, thank you.
- This is a nice surprise.
- What are you doing here?
- I just need to see Dr. Price.
Why, what's wrong?
That is between me and the physician.
Also, I have to bail
on dinner tonight. Sorry.
I promised Amy I'd be her date
at the Journalism Awards.
So you choose her over your family.
Amy is family, Mum.
But more importantly, can I please
get a lift to the consulate tomorrow?
- I need to get a new green card.
- Why are you rushing back to New York?
You're here now.
Why not stay till the wedding?
Mum, the TV show.
Huge, life-altering opportunity.
Well, I'm taking Gareth and Dalbert
for a suit fitting in the morning.
Oh, perfect. I'll just hitch a ride
with you and Galbert.
Or DalGaz.
How about Gazert?
Yes, Mary. Up top.
I don't normally
prescribe benzodiazepines.
It's just to take the edge off
this shitastic event I've got tonight.
- My New York doctor gives them like candy.
- Well, this isn't New York.
I know.
How have you been generally?
Yeah. I've got the constitution of an ox.
- I still party like I'm 20.
- I know.
I follow you on Instagram.
Oh, good on you
for keeping up with technology.
Ooh, this can't be right.
Uh, 150/90.
That's far too high for someone your age.
Oh, it's probably spiked
because all of my shit was stolen today,
and Mum is on my back
because I can't make dinner tonight.
- Oh, Lorraine. She's a firecracker.
- Yes.
But it must be nice to catch up
with your mum and dad though.
Uh.
Dad's been dead for 24 years,
and as his doctor,
that's either one hell of a misdiagnosis,
or you know something that I don't.
[laughs awkwardly]
Oh, goodness me.
Um, um.
I do apologize.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Yeah.
Hello, beautiful ♪
Hello, beautiful ♪
It's a lot in there, I know.
- The who's who of Aussie journalism.
- More like the who's that.
Amy. Sending
all the good vibrations your way.
Liv Healy, this is Jeremy Jackson,
lifestyle writer for Standard.
- Namaste.
- Namaste.
Okay, let's get a lot of drinks into us.
Ah, ah, ah. No, I need both of these.
This place is a battlefield.
I really wanna show Helen
that out-of-office Amy is cool
while still being professional.
- Are you a bit obsessed with your boss?
- Yeah, she's terrifying.
I love her. Hey, wanna mingle?
Fuck no. I hate everyone here except you.
But you go and do your thing. I love you.
Oh!
Steven Rogers.
Olivia Healy.
Nice to meet you.
I actually interned for you
when you were at the Star.
You used to text me after hours
and complain about your wife.
- You must be thinking of someone else.
- No, definitely you.
You also shut down all my pitches,
said I was a "shallow thinker."
I'm working in New York now.
Mainly for top-tier publications,
doing food and lifestyle stuff.
So you've really moved on
from being a shallow thinker then.
Oh, excuse me, Olive.
I have to prep
for my Lifetime Achievement Award.
I take a pill
To help me through the day ♪
- [dryer blowing]
- Oh, fuck off.
I stay inside until I feel okay ♪
[clears throat] Get it together, woman.
Twelve more hours of this shit.
[woman sniffing, clearing throat]
[woman sniffs]
Twenty bucks for a bump?
- A hundred.
- Oh!
Jesus. How much for the rest of the bag?
Two hundred.
Deal, but I would like it noted
the price of narcotics in this country
is fucking outrageous.
- Noted.
- [chuckles]
Hey, Jez. Welcome to the party, man.
You want in?
Been a while
since I've had the devil's dandruff.
They say, "Carpe that diem," my friend.
I walk alone, I stumble to the beat ♪
My stack of drums are always on repeat ♪
You never win ♪
Don't you agree, Liv?
Huh?
That Amy's a rare talent.
- She's really forging a legacy.
- Yeah, she's an assassin.
But as you said, babe,
some average white guy's gonna win it
because the system's rigged against you.
That's why
I don't put much stock in these awards.
Good because no one
outside these four walls
gives a shit about any of this. Trust me.
Actually disagree with you there, Liv.
Only this year, one of our stories
broke a human trafficking operation
wide open.
At The Standard, the focus
But you and I both know
that Amy's too good for The Standard,
but in this backward arsehole part
of the planet, it's the best she can do.
What?
And you need to keep her star
so she doesn't outgrow you.
- I am going to find my seat.
- Okay.
- Dude, what the fuck?
- What?
- You just insulted my boss.
- She's fine I said you were amazing.
Okay, you think this is all a joke,
but it's important to me.
Which is why I'm here,
even though it's fucking torture.
Are you high?
- What's wrong with trying to have fun?
- Because you always take things too far.
I'm so sorry I'm an embarrassment.
- You're the one that begged me to come.
- Obviously, it was a bad idea.
Oh, all right, then. Well, if that's
how you feel, I'll just go.
Let's just sit down.
- No. Forget it, I'm going.
- Liv! Liv!
Move.
My type of baggage
Ain't holding me down ♪
[announcer] Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome
to the Australian Journalism Awards.
I don't hide my issues
Got my issues on my sleeve ♪
I don't hide my issues
All my issues, they're all me ♪
And they do what they do ♪
And they show what they show ♪
Won't pretend that ♪
- [woman] Well, this is exciting, isn't it?
- [audience cheering]
I love journalism!
And the winner is
Chris Whiteman!
My trust is broken, so broken ♪
Next time.
My type of baggage
Ain't holding me down ♪
I'm so cool with it
I keep it around, yeah ♪
Keep it open ♪
Look what the police brought by.
Oh, my green card.
[Lorraine] How were the awards?
Did Amy win?
It's gone.
They even took my moon cup.
Fuck.
Who would take a green card?
Far out.
God!
[movie playing on TV]
- Oh, babe.
- Hmm.
There'll be more awards.
Honestly, I don't care about the award.
- [honking horn]
- Please don't touch my horn.
Sorry, Dal, but I'll be late.
Well, you're not the only one
who's inconvenienced.
Oh, babe, the Vanessas got a babysitter
so they're a yes.
Oh.
That means Liv's the only one
who hasn't RSVP'd for our wedding.
Really?
The sister of the groom needs to RSVP?
If she wants to get fed.
It's like you're holding it hostage
for attention.
- Shut up. Why would I do that?
- Because that's what you do.
You steal the spotlight.
Well, I can't help it
if I'm a natural entertainer.
- Move, dipshit!
- [honking horn]
- Friendly reminder, horn's for the driver.
- [Liv] Oh, God.
Remember when you boycotted
Nan's last Christmas?
It was for a good cause.
Stalking a boy from Amnesty International
is not a good cause, Olivia.
And then at my year-12 formal,
you had sex with my date.
I saved you
from a very awkward experience.
And Dad's funeral, you got hammered
and passed out in the garden.
- Right on my petunias.
- Yeah.
I was grieving.
We were all grieving,
but somehow,
the focus always ends up on you.
If I'm so unbearable,
why do you want me around?
Oh, come on.
We're just having a bit of fun, Livvie.
Oh, really?
All right. Well, what's fun about
your family thinking that you're a joke?
Oh, it's not just us.
I'm not coming back for the wedding.
- Olivia.
- Nah. No. No.
It's too close to the show launch anyway.
You know what? Just let me out here.
- No, it's no stopping.
- No, I don't care. Just pull over.
- I'm not getting a ticket.
- Olivia.
Let's just get an ocean between us
so we can all go back to being happy.
[Lorraine sighs]
[sighs]
Olivia Healy.
- Is there an Olivia Healy?
- Ah. Yes, I'm here. Hello.
[exhales] Ah.
Hi.
[whispers] Far out.
Please keep your belongings
on your person, ma'am.
No need to "ma'am" me.
Okay, Chad,
I have had a rough couple of days,
so I need you to get me out of here.
Bet you've seen some real hardship.
Well, I have.
I was actually the victim of a theft,
so if you could please just stamp it,
or whatever it is you do, that'd be great.
I take my orders
from the US government, not you.
And I need to check each case thoroughly,
because one little error
can void an application.
- All right, well, it's all in order.
- I'll be the judge of that.
I feel like we got off on the wrong foot.
I'm actually a really lovely person.
You seem like a real delight.
Well, I am.
Just, you've got me on a bad day,
and I apologize.
I just I really need to get
If you can be quiet for five seconds,
I can do my job.
[tapping on glass]
[tense music playing]
[breathing shakily]
[continues tapping]
Can you please stop that tapping?
[echoing] Oh, my God,
stop the goddamn tapping, please.
- Do not raise your voice at me.
- Sorry.
[overlapping muffled sounds]
- Are you all right? You don't look well.
- I'm fine.
- You know you can't fly if you're sick.
- No, I'm not sick.
[Chad] I have reason
to believe you're lying to me,
and if that's the case,
I can't approve you.
Ma'am?
Ma'am? Ma'am?
[gasps] Fuck. I need to get home!
- [cardiac monitor beeping rapidly]
- I wanna go home!
[paramedic 1] Don't worry,
you'll be home soon.
[shushing]
[Olivia groaning]
[beeping slows down]
Your insides are garbage.
Okay, lady I've never met before.
Can you just sign this form, please?
Horrible cholesterol levels,
insane blood pressure,
and family history of heart disease.
[blows a raspberry]
I can't pass you.
- Pass me for what?
- The medical.
- It's the first step to get a green card.
- Oh, no, I have a green card.
Not anymore.
What? Why not?
After your incident,
the consulate deemed that your poor health
could make you a burden to the US.
As one of two
consulate-approved doctors in Sydney,
I'm assigned to assess you.
And I say
you fail.
No!
Oh, shit, I'm sorry.
My boss thinks I'm on a plane now
so she can sell me for a TV show.
It's a major deal.
Unfortunate. Also, not my problem.
Wow, your bedside manner sucks.
Your resting heart rate sucks.
Um. Okay. Uh, let me do the medical again.
Just give me enough time to get well.
Okay. See you in a year.
A year No, I've gotta be in New York
in four weeks for the show.
Listen, you need
to shift your cholesterol from a 6 to 4.5,
get your blood pressure to 120/80,
and lower your resting heart rate
from 105 to at least 75.
No way you can do that
in less than a month.
- Well, you don't know me.
- I don't, and don't want to.
I'm gonna get so well
that I'm gonna smash that stupid medical,
I'm gonna get back to New York,
and I'm gonna be the best goddamn
TV judge that the world's ever seen.
Seems unlikely.
Yeah, well, watch me.
Oh, nah, yeah ♪
Tell me what you wanna hear ♪
Tell me how you wanna roll
Nah, yeah ♪
- Does this stay open or, I don't know
- Shut it.
Oh, nah, yeah ♪
Tell me what you wanna hear ♪
Tell me what you wanna do
Oh, nah, yeah ♪
Tell me where you wanna go ♪
Tell me how you wanna roll
Oh, nah, yeah ♪
Tell me what you wanna hear ♪
Tell me what you wanna do
Oh, nah, yeah ♪
Tell me where you wanna go ♪
Tell me how you wanna roll
Oh, nah, yeah ♪
Tell me what you wanna hear ♪
Tell me what you wanna do
Oh, nah, yeah ♪
Tell me where you wanna go ♪
Tell me how you wanna roll
Oh, nah, yeah ♪
I owe no apology ♪
I don't owe no apology
Oh, nah, yeah ♪
Oh, nah, yeah ♪
[racy music playing]