Wendell and Vinnie (2013) s01e01 Episode Script

1 Yep.
Wendell, come look.
Can't.
Homework.
Oh, come on.
It's a box! It's a mystery! Who doesn't love a mystery? Children with priorities.
Wendell, come look! Hope there's a pencil in that box.
Behold: The greatest piece of art you'll ever see in your entire life.
A Rembrandt? Better.
Kandinsky, duerer, van neck? Now you're just making sounds.
Ta-da! It's Luke Skywalker's actual lightsaber from the first star wars! Never saw that movie.
What? That's like saying you've never seen star wars.
The lightsaber is the single greatest prop from any movie ever.
It is the Holy grail of collectibles.
Except for the actual Holy grail.
It's just a dumb prop from a space movie.
The lightsaber represents revelation.
A journey to your destiny.
It's a symbol of the collective good.
Wow, you're a lot deeper than I gave you credit for.
It also lasers people in half.
Well, can I play with it? Finally! The first normal kid thing you've said, and no, you can never, ever, ever play with it ever.
I never felt so good never felt so good.
I never felt so good never felt so good so wait a minute hey.
I never felt so good Oh, my What the Hey, new guy who thinks it's okay to leave your boxes everywhere, come out of there! I got words for you! Words! And those words are, "hello, you.
" Oh, God, you tripped over my stuff.
I'm so, so sorry.
No, no no worries.
No worries.
I got it.
I'm Vinnie.
5b.
And you've met my trash.
Hey, I'm Taryn.
I just moved from Texas.
Houston.
Recently divorced.
He left me, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me, which kind of makes my life sound pretty awful.
Wow, I can't stop talking, can I? Hey, you know, maybe you can overshare with me at this nice coffee shop I know.
Thanks, but I'm not dating right now.
Come on.
It's just coffee.
It's not making out.
Although it can be.
But I'm gonna need coffee first.
Look, you're not my type.
Not your type? 30 going on 14.
Video games but no dishes.
Cheese puffs for breakfast.
Drives a dumb car.
Willing to string a girl along and then dump her when she presses to take it to the next level.
You don't know me.
And my thor-themed mini Cooper is not dumb.
Hello, fellow middle schoolers.
Who said you could sit at our table? I'm just trying to expand my social circle, but if it's not cool, just say the word.
Or do that.
Just a tip: A gentleman removes the straw first.
Let's go, you guys.
Somebody stinks of dork.
That could be the papaya.
I'm Jeffy, and I'm really glad you're here.
Really? Totally.
I'm the least popular kid at school, or I used to be.
Later, freak! Mr.
basset, myron lipshitz, head of the condo association.
Junior high must've been brutal with that name! Or not.
I It's about the constant noise from the video games.
It's too much.
Really? I don't hear it.
Look We want our quiet back! This is a petition signed by the residents demanding you turn it down or leave.
Do you know what's going on in there? Whatever it is, it's a disappointment to your parents.
There was an accident six months ago.
My brother and his wife didn't make it, and I got custody of their son, Wendell.
Oh.
Oh, I I-I'm sorry.
Those annoying video games They're all the poor little guy has right now.
So if you want to go in there, take away the only thing that makes him happy, go ahead, be my guest, but I can't.
I'm sorry.
Forget I said anything.
Oh, myron.
Wow.
It's really nice you're taking care of your nephew.
Can I poke my head in and say hey? Oh, maybe later, you know.
It's just, he gets really into video games Hey, Uncle vin.
I'm begging you, please, turn down your stupid video games.
The neighbors have a petition! You saw it? I signed it.
So make out later? It's your sister.
No, Jimmy.
No.
My customers want the iron man suit and the machine gun from scarface, not so much the bow tie from the King's speech.
All right, bye.
Hi, you have a weird business.
Hello, Wilma.
So I got Wendell a little present when I was out shopping for something special.
I have a date.
I met him on truelovefinders.
Com.
Whoa, whoa, whoa I thought you were banned from those dating sites for being What were the words? Desperate and combative.
Yes, yes, yes.
Wilma basset was banned, but nashir kobayan was not.
I used a picture of a persian model, and I got a ton of hits.
Sis, I love you, but you are crazy and Wow, you are hot! Right? Uh, you don't see a problem? Wait, you don't think we look alike? No.
No, I think we totally look alike.
- Not even - We totally look alike.
Look when I do this.
Like this, "what?" Okay.
On that evolution chart, you are two drawings away.
Oh, where is my nephew? I want to give him his gift.
Underwear? Really? You know what? I know Wendell better than you do.
Why Gary and Rhonda made you the guardian is a mystery.
I mean, I am clearly the better choice.
I am a warm, nurturing woman.
They chose me 'cause I know stuff like 12-year-old boys don't get excited about underwear! Underpants! Yay! Hypoallergenic with a breathable panel in the gentleman's area! It's like you see into my dreams, aunt Wilma.
Ohh.
Mwah! All right, I have to go.
Enjoy your underwear.
Like that's not gonna happen.
Hey, can I talk to you about something? Course you can.
I am your caretaker.
I'm the guy who makes sure you're always safe.
Hey, you want a peanut butter sandwich? It'll make my throat close up and kill me.
I'm allergic to peanuts, remember? - Now, what do you need, champ? - It's school.
I still don't think I'm fitting in with the other kids.
Let's start with getting less excited about underwear.
Come on, you're 12.
No one thinks they fit in.
You're probably overreacting.
They pour smoothies on me.
All right, that's a sign.
Just be yourself.
Pretend I'm a kid.
What's on your mind? Stability of the euro, early sondheim, antibacterial soap Wait, don't be yourself.
Be normal.
Oh, I did download a few new apps.
Now we're talking.
One was this awesome scrapbooking program, but the other kids didn't care about it.
You know what kids like more than scrapbooking? What? Everything! Have you ever tried a sport? No.
Wait, is calligraphy a sport? - No.
- Then no.
I have never tried a sport.
It's easy.
Let's start with sports talk.
All right, when something good happens, say, "that was massive!" And when something bad happens, say, "oh, that blows!" Wow, I'll be fitting in in a jiffy! You will be.
And don't say "jiffy.
" Ooh, our neighbor's going for a jog in the park wearing Booty shorts.
Mr.
lipshitz? No.
Time to take you to the park, and teach you a skill that's gonna give you major street cred.
Aha, now I bust out the calligraphy, yeah.
No! All right, now just balance.
Let the board do the moving.
You cool? I'm afraid I'm gonna die.
Maybe a countdown.
Sure.
Three, two Okay, a bigger countdown.
Fine.
15, 14, 13 Two, one.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Slow down, there, big guy.
But you pushed Hello, Taryn.
Wow, Wendell, I'd like you to officially meet Taryn, our new neighbor.
Hi, it's nice to meet you.
I'd shake your hand, but I'm afraid if I move I'll die.
And yet, I can't keep him off the board.
Kids.
Actually I'm ready to get off Okay, just keep your balance.
You can do it! I believe in you! Seeing you out with him is nice.
I'm not just a guardian.
I'm a legal guardian.
Vinnie! I wrote you off as a scammer, but maybe you're actually an okay guy.
It's an honor to be the name he calls when he needs something.
Vinnie! And honestly, it's what I live for.
Vinnie! I feel so horrible.
You should.
While you were hitting on me, you pushed your nephew down a mountain.
It was a hill.
It was a dangerous concrete hill Oh, God, I'm a screw-up.
Then it's time to step up and be a better parent.
I have stepped up.
You know, I I used to be a guy who went to every movie, party, concert.
Now I'm just some guy who stays at home.
Are you saying it's not worth it? No.
I-it's stupid how worth it it is.
When he comes home happy about something, there is nothing better.
And when he is sad, if you can get him to smile, it's like winning the lottery.
Look, don't be a nice guy.
My life will be a lot easier if you're just my idiot neighbor who makes arm farts and steals my Sunday paper.
Be honest.
Do you have some kind of surveillance camera in the hall? I came as soon as I heard.
I now have a least favorite kardashian.
I was at Arturo's getting a makeover.
Oh.
Well, why does Arturo hate you? This is my sister, Wilma.
This is my neighbor, Taryn.
I'm from Texas, Houston.
I already don't care.
How's Wendell? I don't know.
They won't tell me.
Hold on.
Hi.
Wilma, girl, you are looking good.
Can you find out what's going on with basset, comma, Wendell "r"? - He's just on his way up from X-ray.
Broken arm.
Wow, you really know your way around a hospital.
Are you a doctor? Better.
Personal injury Attorney.
You should Sue your makeover guy.
It'll look great once you go back and finish.
He was finished.
So has social services come by yet? What do you mean? Well, it's standard procedure when there's an injury involving a minor.
They investigate to see if you're a fit guardian, and trust me, Vinnie, you are not gonna qualify.
Just skip all the hassle and expense and sign him over to me now.
You're just saying that to scare him.
No, I'm saying that because I know the law.
I happen to be a very good lawyer.
You're not that good.
Hi, Dr.
dowe.
Go to hell, basset! Uh! Cauliflower Tuesday, that's massive! Hey, what happened to your arm? Tragic dorking accident? No, I broke it skateboarding.
Boarding? Where? I was boarding down dead man's hill.
Ooh! Grinding a rail.
Whoa! In my new underwear.
Huh? Did I mention the hill was on fire? Oh! This place is a mess.
What happened? I was trying to find the cleaning supplies.
Now I'm pretty sure I don't own cleaning supplies.
Social services is coming.
You've got to start cleaning, making dinner.
I already made it.
Burned everything.
Maybe they should take Wendell from me.
What are you saying? I'm not a fit guardian.
Look at this place.
It's filled with toys, movies, sports junk.
It's no place for a kid.
You can't give up.
You have to fight for what you want and not sit there like a lazy, broken half-wit.
Whoa, what are you doing? Did I misread the signs? - I called you a half-wit.
That was the sign I was reading.
Hey, Wendell.
How was school? Oh, it was awesome.
People liked me today.
Really? Yep, when I told them I broke my arm skateboarding, I was a hero.
They signed my cast and everything.
Only one kid wrote something dirty.
See? You're not a total disaster.
I'm not a total disaster! Right! So get up off your butt, and clean this place.
Hey, and I'll make my kung pao chicken and say you made it.
You would do that for me? No, him.
This is what his parents wanted.
You are what they wanted.
Right.
Right, so let's move this junk to my place.
Fine, I don't care about anything except Wendell.
- Oh.
- No! Okay, I care about two things.
He's here.
He's here.
No one freak out! Hi, I'm Vincent basset.
Scott pendergrass, social services department.
Oh, come on in.
Welcome to our home.
Oh, this must be Wendell.
I'd offer my hand, but my Uncle broke it.
Not on purpose.
He doesn't beat me.
And he didn't threaten to beat me if I didn't say he doesn't beat me.
Hi, I'm Taryn, the neighbor.
I just popped over to seek Vinnie's counsel.
He's very wise.
Then it's settled.
Your deodorant stone is not working.
You're welcome, and godspeed.
Thanks.
Dinnertime! Hey, care to join us? Oh, no, thanks.
I'll just observe.
So what's for dinner? Just a little kung pao chicken I whipped up.
Oh, what's your secret? You know, for an observer, you're pretty chatty.
You know what? I've seen enough.
Mr.
pendergrass, wait.
I've been doing this for a long time.
Wendell got hurt.
It happens.
But this place is safe.
You're a decent guy.
My job is to take kids out of homes where they're actually in danger.
This clearly isn't one of those homes.
There are peanuts in this! Wendell's allergic! His throat's closing! Do you have an epipen? Yeah, I put it with the lightsaber so I won't forget where it is.
It won't open.
He's breathing.
Well, again, thanks for dropping by.
How is he? He went into anaphylactic shock.
- Oh, my God.
- He'll be fine! I am Aziz.
Yeah, uh, Vinnie, my brother, and Taryn, his neighbor.
This is my date.
- I-I'm sorry I ruined your evening.
Ruin? This is the best part.
She's nothing like her profile, you know.
Let's just finish out the date, Aziz.
I mean, look Trust me.
I am like a cracker Jack box.
Eventually, there is a prize inside.
Unless the prize comes with penicillin, I don't want it.
Mr.
basset, I was wrong about you.
I looked up the hospital records.
You've been to the emergency room 13 times since you've had custody of Wendell.
I'm afraid we're gonna have to explore finding him a different place to live.
Hey, hey, hey, you okay, buddy? He's fine.
He just needs a little rest.
I'm ready to go home.
We were just talking about where that should be.
I am going to move you into my shoe room, and because I love you, I'm gonna move the shoes.
Don't listen to her.
She's full of lies.
This is crazy.
You can't do this.
I won't allow it! I'm emotionally involved.
I'm sorry.
Home is with Vinnie.
We know about the emergency room visits.
But those visits were for Uncle Vinnie, not me.
Oh, I don't think so.
Twisted ankle doing flips off the monkey bars? - Me.
- Vinnie.
- Go-kart accident? - Me.
- Vinnie.
Stomach full of nickels? All Vinnie.
I won a bet.
Check the report.
I'm the patient.
F.
Y.
I.
They don't come out in rolls.
When I was choking, Vinnie broke the lightsaber to get me the epipen.
I thought that prop was the most important thing in his life, but now I know I am.
Maybe that's why my parents picked him.
They knew he'd put me first.
That was an original lightsaber? From episode iv? Is there any way I could touch it when it's fixed? I don't really like people handling Absolutely.
Well, these reports actually do list you as the patient.
I guess Wendell can stay.
I'll follow up.
What? The man ate nickels! We did it! Don't look.
Ooh.
Something I'm not supposed to see? Now I'm intrigued.
What is it? Is it bikini girls? Is it gross-out videos? Combo? It's my scrapbooking program.
Ugh! Wendell, come on.
We talked about this.
The next time I look at this monitor, there had better be boobs.
That's your dad.
Yeah, it was our fishing trip.
We didn't catch a thing.
We just got sunburned, and then I got seasick.
That sounds horrible.
It was one of the best days of my life.
We laughed a lot, told jokes, sang Beatles' songs.
I always thought we'd go back there every year.
Hey.
I miss him too.
I miss them both.
When does it stop? I don't know.
I don't know, but I'll be here with you until it does.
Thanks, Uncle Vinnie.
You know, I always wondered why your parents gave me custody of you.
Now I realize that they gave you custody of me.
What do you mean? I think they figured you'd be great no matter who you lived with.
But they wanted to give me a chance to grow up right.
I'm glad they did.
And I promise I'll do something bad sometime.
That's all I ask.
If this hospital had an awards program, y'all are one stupid accident away from a free colonoscopy.
I came as soon as I heard.
I came as soon as I heard.
We kept in touch.
Which one of you was playing with the superglue? I just wasn't paying attention.
Don't blame yourself.
You're just a kid.