What About Brian (2006) s01e01 Episode Script

Come on.
Come here.
What happened to the pact?! Shh! I honored the pact, all right? Don't ever think I'd go back on a pact, especially with you, Brian.
I didn't make the pact.
I broke up with her.
Jeez.
Okay, who's gonna drive? Because you're gonna have to follow me down to Franklin, over to Highland, make a right into the parking structure, park on the fourth floor next to the yellow escalator.
Adam, really working on those control issues, huh? Well done, my man.
Hey! Who got lost last time? It was 10:00.
I got 3 kids.
That's like 3:00 A.
M.
, man.
I was disoriented.
Look at this guy.
Oh, I try not to talk to him.
Honey, sodas.
Put these in your jacket.
Cute, Dave.
I hope the usher doesn't frisk you.
You take your own food to the movies? Well, it's $12 an hour for the baby-sitter.
It's a 5-hour minimum.
You got the parking and the movie.
It's like 300 bucks.
Maybe you should try roasting your own trail mix.
Oh, that's funny.
Wait till you have kids.
I'm having one, and I won't be roasting my own trail mix.
All right, can we please take one car? We can take the minivan.
- We can all fit in there.
- Sounds good.
No, it only seats six.
What about Brian? Oh, don't worry about me.
I can drive myself.
We can take Brian.
No, no, no, we gotta meet your boss at that thing.
Well, he's my brother.
He can come with us.
Come with us, Brian.
We can just take him down there, and you guys can bring him back here.
No, we can't take him.
My car is full of com shots.
- Comp shots, honey.
- Yeah, that's what I said.
You know, let's just take three cars like we do every other time.
That's too much pollution guys, look, the seventh wheel has his license now.
I can drive myself.
Technically, you can only be a third wheel or a sixth wheel.
What has five wheels? The 1951 Rubia Woodie has 5 wheels.
Oh, really? And a 1930 sidemounted Sedan has 6.
So the seventh wheel is gonna meet you guys at the theater.
He's taking Fountain, not Franklin.
He's parking by the blue escalators, and he's buying himself a $10 soda pop.
Ooh, big spender.
Nice.
Hey, did you get that car radio fixed yet, Bri? Yeah, right.
Go rock out, my man.
I'm all out of love I'm so lost without you I know you were right believing for so long I'm all out of love What am I without you? This is ridiculous.
Come on.
To say that I was so wrong what are you thinkin' of? Come on, change.
What are you thinkin' of? What are you thinkin' of? What are you thinkin' of? I'm all out of love I'm so lost without you I know you were right believing Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What are you thinking?! What are you thinking? I mean, seriously, Brian, what the hell are you thinking? You're dating whose car who smashed into last week? Two weeks ago.
I didn't smash into her.
You are trishing.
I am not trishing.
What's trishing? Trish Meadows, fifth grade.
She was Brian's girlfriend for months.
Car girl is not trishing.
Brian went steady with trish even though he didn't really like her.
Aah! You'll learn this is a sad cycle in Brian's life.
Is that true? Yes, but that's not what this is.
Car girl is you know, she's fine.
"She's fine.
" Oh, that sounds like love, Bri.
What the hell happened this time? I was on my way to the movies to meet you guys.
I had an extremely minor accident.
Aah! I'm so I'm so sorry! I'm sorry! The next thing I know, this girl is standing in front of me, and I thought, I don't know.
Maybe I'm supposed to meet this girl.
All of a sudden, we're back at her place, and we're really, you know, getting along great.
I mean, she's a bit of a clean freak.
It's dry-clean only.
What? She's got issues, which is fine.
Yeah, it's fine.
Dude, you're trishing.
I'm not.
She has some wonderful qualities.
Baby, where's your toothbrush? Yeah? And what are her good qualities? She, uh, she has a dog.
Kiss him! Dude, I can tell you are not into her.
I am.
Like, yesterday we went shopping for a new mattress.
You are hopeless.
You are trishing.
You're not hopeless.
Well, that's empty.
Well, we need some beers.
I'm gonna bring you both some beers.
I'm gonna run down the hill.
Okay.
All right.
Let's go.
No.
No, I want you to listen.
No joking around.
Okay.
I know that everybody thinks that you're one of those guys.
You know, one of those noncommittal guys.
But I know you're not.
What you are is romantic.
And you're a fantastic person.
And you're funny.
You're funny and you're you're hot and you're smart.
You're a great friend.
You're everybody's friend.
Everyone loves you.
You're a catch, man.
You're just you're a total catch.
But seriously, Brian, you've got to stop.
You've got to look at yourself.
Look at yourself in the mirror, literally.
Ask yourself, who do I wanna be with? who is worth your time? Who is she? No, no, no, no.
You are not.
You're not.
You're not in love with Marjorie.
You can't be, so you're not.
You hear me, hmm? I'm in love with Marjorie.
No, Adam's in love with Marjorie.
- Yeah.
- Adam's your best friend.
Hi.
Yeah, Marjorie is, too.
Marjorie's your friend, too.
Welcome.
This is what I'm saying.
For the last almost two years I'm comparing every girl I go out with to her.
Okay, that door must close.
She is not only beautiful.
She's brilliant.
She's a pediatrician and a football fanatic.
She knows more about everything than I do.
I've been going out with girls, trying to find someone half as great as Marjorie, and some of these girls, Dave, by the way, are great.
Yeah.
But none of them are her.
And now I'm dating car girl to distract myself from the inevitable horrible truth that the one person I'm not with is the one person I love.
Okay, listen to me.
That door must close.
You hearing me? Yeah.
Take the key, lock the door, throw the key away into the Indian Ocean.
Why the indian ocean? I don't know.
I just picked a random ocean.
Take the key.
Take it.
There you go.
Lock the door.
Click.
It's locked.
Throw away the key.
So pathetic.
Look at me.
Repeat after me.
Marjorie is not an option.
Marjorie is not an option.
Oh, man, I'm glad you came around.
Let's have a beer.
I think it's electrical.
The fuse box is in the trunk.
Yeah, well, it keeps spazzing out on me in the middle of nowhere.
Hey, Jimmy.
Hey, uh, turn the key for me.
Yeah.
Hey, lover butt, where'd you put the dog food? In the top cupboard.
Why? Why would you put it in the top cupboard? You know I can't reach the top cupboard.
Bottom cupboard.
Come on! Let's do the bottom cupboard.
What is that? Huh? Car girl.
Is she living here? Not living.
It's more like staying.
I mean, it is living here in that she's alive and here.
Brian, I'm gonna save your life.
Again? Let's make a pact.
A pact? What are we, 12? This weekend, you break up with car girl.
I'll break up with Marjorie.
Y-you're gonna break up with Marjorie? Yeah.
We've been together almost two years now.
I mean, after two years you either move in or you move on.
And you wanna move on.
I like my house.
I don't want all her swap meet crap in there.
I mean, she has all these books.
She's always reading these medical journals.
She's a doctor.
Well, she's always riding me 'cause I can't remember whether she likes goobers or junior mints.
Junior mints.
Whatever.
So you wanna make the pact or what? Karen, it's over.
Karen, we gotta talk.
About what? About slowing things way down.
How far down? To stopped.
Karen, I think we should talk.
Let's go.
Where we going? To get the new mattress.
What's that sound? Slow down! It's listing.
Oh, okay.
Don't yell.
I'm not yelling! Grab onto the ropes.
Oh, my god.
It is listing.
Brian! Oh, my god.
Hold on! You're going too fast! It's falling off! Brian! Karen What?! I wanna break up with you.
- You need some help? - No, we don't need any help! You know what you are? You're a serial monogamist.
You give a girl hope, and then boom! You're Ted Bundy.
That's serial killer.
What about the brunch? The brunch? Yeah.
Dave and Deena's brunch.
Well, those are all my best friends.
Honey, people are gonna be here in 15 minutes.
Aah! Hey! Shh! Baby is sleeping! Okay.
15 minutes.
What am I gonna wear? Well, you should wear that.
You look sexy in that.
I do? Yeah.
Hey.
You, uh, remember what it used to be like? You know, before the kids? No.
Daddy, the people are here! I don't wanna tell anyone yet.
I'm too fragile.
I don't wanna say anything about it.
Okay, we won't say anything.
Oh, gosh, you guys! Hi, guys.
Hi, baby.
Hey, Deena.
Hi, Karen.
How are you? Brian dumped me.
Oh.
He's Ted Bundy.
Oh! I never really liked her.
You hit it with your head.
Okay? Okay.
Ready? Angelo.
Hey, big time.
Hey.
Hey! Good.
Hi.
Hey, Bri.
Hey.
How's that baby? Great.
I'm having my first ultrasound on Monday.
On monday? I have a modeling gig in San Diego.
You know what? I'll cancel it.
I did it! Good.
Maybe Brian can take you.
Can you? It's at 10:00.
What, are you kidding me? It'll be my first chance to meet my niece or nephew.
Thanks, man.
Yo, Brian.
I broke up with car girl.
And Adam is breaking up with Marjorie.
Really? Well, that's a bummer, man.
I really like Marjorie.
Dave! Yeah.
What should I do? This is complicated.
It is complicated, Bri.
Maybe I still can't do anything.
No, you can.
Adam's not gonna care.
He'll have a new girl inside of a week.
Yeah.
And don't you think he's gonna be happy for Marjorie to be with you instead of some muscle guy who's richer and smarter than he is? Come on.
Thanks.
Anytime, bro.
Need a little help here, Dave.
Yeah.
Look, fan the flames.
Watch these.
I gotta go.
Did you read my proposal? No, I didn't, and you know what? I'm not going to.
I'm not a sellout.
They wanna buy the game.
They wanna distribute it.
They don't just want the game.
They want zap monkey.
They want us, okay? They wanna crack open our skulls, scoop out the brains and turn us into corporate zombies.
I'm not a zombie.
I'm an independent, deep in my soul.
Dave, now! Adam, hey, I did it.
I broke up with car girl.
Oh, hey, awesome, yeah.
So, uh, what about you? I'm awesome.
Hey! Adam.
Hey.
You're late.
Where's Marjorie? Uh Hi, sweetie.
What happened? Um what happened? This.
Oh, my god! You got engaged? Oh, my god! Congratulations.
thank you.
You guys, everybody, um, uh, Adam and Marjorie got engaged.
Bravo! Mwah! Congratulations.
There you go, buddy.
Congratulations.
Did not see that coming.
Oh, and then there was one.
"We could still be friends," all that horrible breakup stuff.
"It's not you, car girl.
It's me.
" They're still talking, huh? Yeah.
Do you see how one breast is bigger than the other? You're killing me! The right one.
Bingo.
Don't cry.
Listen, Karen, Karen, Karen.
It's this way.
Come here.
Come on.
Don't ever think I'd go back on a pact, especially with you, Bri.
I didn't make the pact.
I broke up with her.
Last night, I did it, and she was stellar.
I mean, she was like a guy.
She was stoic, classy.
You know, the next morning, I wake up, I'm looking at her, and she looked so great wearing this cute little white t-shirt thing she wears to bed, and I don't know.
I'm thinking to myself, "what the hell am I doing?" I love this girl.
And, you know, before I know it, we're crying and having, like, the best sex of our lives, and then we went out and bought a ring.
She's a really great girl.
Yeah, see, that's the thing.
Everyone loves her.
Even you love her.
I mean, what kind of idiot would I be to let her go? A big idiot.
Will you be my best man? Yeah.
Did you call your mom? Forgot to call my mom.
Marriage is cool, man.
You know, you got the whole commitment thing.
That's great.
The kids they're awesome, you know? Especially if you're not into having sex.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, when you're married, you don't have sex.
I bet you have more sex than me.
We haven't had sex for well, let's see.
Carrie's 6 months old, so six months.
you haven't had sex for six months? Last time we did, deena was pregnant.
You know, let's get the whole labor thing going.
It's not exactly erotic, my man.
More than I wanted to know.
Yeah.
It's weird.
It happens.
Don't come down here.
Just don't even try it.
What? I don't wanna talk to you.
And you know what? Don't try to "Brian" me either.
I see right through that.
It might work on car girl.
It's not gonna work on me.
I don't know what you're talking about.
He told me about the pact.
He said that you tried to get him to make a pact to break up with me.
He said that? Did you think that he should break up with me? I mean, what am I to you? Am I am I like car girl? What's my name doctor girl? No.
God, no.
'Cause I saw the look on your face when I showed you the ring, and you were shocked.
It wasn't shock.
Yes, it was.
I know you, okay? Or at least I thought I did.
Marjorie You know, when I first met Adam, I wasn't sure about him.
And then I met you, and I thought, if this guy is his best friend, he must really have something.
Come on, honey.
We gotta go.
I guess I was wrong about one of you.
See you later, Bri.
Karen, it's me.
What do you want? You took my house key.
I thought you agreed to my conditions.
What what conditions? Karen Karen, let me in.
This is my apartment.
Karen? What are you doing? This is Adam Hillman.
I can't get to the phone, so leave a message.
Adam, it's me.
I'm heading up there, and I need a place to stay.
Adam, pick up.
I know you're there, and I know you told Marjorie that the pact was my idea when it was really your idea, and now she hates me and I have to let her.
I'm knocking on your door in 20 seconds.
Brian, it's Marjorie.
Marjorie.
Is that true, what you just said? No, no.
Whoa, Marjorie, you're, uh I'm losing you.
Marjorie, you're, uh, breaking up in a bad pocket.
Adam made up the pact? Look, I don't wanna talk about it.
He's your friend.
He did it to help me so I could get out of the thing with car girl.
Brian, he broke up with me.
That has nothing to do with car girl.
And then the next day, he freaks out, and then he proposes to me.
He doesn't know what he wants.
He does.
Just call him.
Talk to him.
I can't.
He's on a plane to new york.
And he's probably having sex with some stewardess in the first class bathroom.
No, he isn't.
He's thinking about doing that, but he's not doing it.
I don't know, Brian.
I love him, but he drives me crazy, you know? We're getting married.
What does it matter how we got here? There you go.
Listen, call him.
I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna stay at my sister's place.
No, no, no, no.
Stay, stay, stay.
Please.
Um, I Please, please, it's scary up here by myself.
I can't go home because they're tenting for termites.
Please.
Please.
Yeah, okay.
Okay, great.
So, um, we'll get drunk.
We'll stay up till 4:00.
It'll be like a slumber party.
Awesome.
Yeah.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Breathe through your sit bones.
Beautiful, Deena.
You're really improving.
All right, everyone.
Warrior 2.
And turn.
They down? They're down.
Want some tea? Yeah.
Okay.
Tea.
Why don't we ever have sex anymore? What? We don't have sex anymore? I love you.
I think you love me.
You know I love you.
But something's gone out of it, you know? Yeah, it's the kids.
Maybe.
Maybe? They sleep in our bed with us every night.
I don't feel sexy anymore.
Around me.
Well, do you? Around me? God, I used to.
What if we, uh, did something? Not doing tantric yoga.
What if we had sex with other people? What? We got married so young, you know? We missed out on the excitement a lot of other people had.
Honey, yeah, sure.
That's, uh, great.
You want me to have intercourse with another woman? I don't want you to leave me or anything.
I just thought maybe we could try it, that's all.
You know, I Wha And you would sleep with someone else, too? Yes.
But would we tell each other what happened? No, no.
No.
No.
Doesn't it kinda turn you on? Just talking about it? Well, that would be a yes.
So Ohh! Mommy? Whoa! Hey, muffin.
What is daddy doing? Oh, nothing.
Mommy and daddy we were just Just playing a game, honey.
I want him to stop.
Yeah, we're stopping.
Yeah, we should stop.
Yeah.
Sorry, sweetie.
It's okay.
Come here.
Maybe we'll do it in Las Vegas, Vegas? But you need two witnesses.
Me and car girl.
I'd rather have a stripper than car girl.
She can't lock you out of your own apartment.
We should go over there, break in.
What? We should break in.
We should break in.
It's your computer.
It is my computer.
So let's do it.
You mean really do it? Yeah, I mean really do it.
Come on.
She does take that little rat for a walk every night.
Wait.
Stop.
Okay, go.
Okay.
Go, go, go! Let me do it.
No, I got it.
Brian.
Marjorie, hurry.
Okay.
It's open.
It's open.
Go around front.
Okay.
Okay.
Got it.
Bri, banana bread.
We should take it.
Yeah.
Good boy! Yes.
Marjorie! Oh, my god.
This is so good.
Did she make this? Closet! Closet! Why are we hiding? It's your apartment.
Because she's crazy.
Hey.
Hey, you little schnook.
What are you doing? Come here.
Man.
Brian is such a pig.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Marjorie! Hey! Brian! I'm getting a restraining order! Oh, yeah! That's it, Bri.
You're feeling that.
Out here in the fields I fight for my meals.
You're not feeling that? Do you ever have a day where you question every decision you ever made in your life? Yeah.
Every day.
I kissed Marjorie.
Bri, are you insane? I'm tired of being with some girl I met in a car crash.
Deena wants to have an open marriage.
She wants to? Hey, Jimmy.
What? Jim, Jim.
Jimmy, Jim, Jim.
Do you think Rona would be my extramarital sex partner? Well, how could she resist when you put it that way? You know it's my sister.
Hey, Nic.
Are you okay? Hey.
Hey.
The doctor said that I had a miscarriage and that if I wanna try again, we we have to wait a bit, but it's too late for this one.
It was a girl.
I think I've waited too long.
I always knew that I wanted a child.
Don't do this to yourself.
I was too afraid to just go for it when I could, you know? And now it's too late.
Amore I'm so sorry.
Are you okay? Marjorie Seaver.
She's a pediatric resident.
S-E-A-V-E-R.
Thank you.
Are you looking for Marjorie? Uh yeah.
I'm a friend of adam's.
You must be Brian.
Yeah.
She went away for a few nights for a convention.
I think Adam was meeting her.
Where'd they go? Las Vegas.
Las Vegas? This is Dr.
Marjorie Seaver.
Please leave a message.
What the hell am I doing? Brian? What are you doing here? What's going on? Nicole lost the baby.
Oh, my god.
Poor Nic.
And she was saying she should have done it a long time ago when she knew what she wanted, but she was too scared.
Brian Listen, I spent the last five hours in my crappy car.
I got two speeding tickets.
Because I wanted to tell you that that I think I have serious feelings for you feelings that I think I had long before we kissed last night.
But now that I'm here, I realize I can't say that, because it doesn't matter how I feel about you.
I I can't do that to Adam or you.
Because if I'm gonna be the best man in your wedding, then, um I'd better actually be the best man.
Hey, baby, I was just, uh, waiting over Brian.
Oh, my god.
Uh, when did you get here? I just flew in a couple of hours ago from new york to hook up with my girl.
You guys, uh, gonna get married? Here? Oh, god, no.
No, no, no.
How cheesy.
No, I got a classy girl.
I can't marry her in Vegas.
What the hell are you doing here? - Well, I, uh - He had to be at a tech market.
Yeah.
Marjorie said she was gonna be here, so I thought I'd say hi.
Great! Great.
We can hang out.
We'll ditch Marjorie.
We'll go look at some strippers.
Very funny.
Hi.
You've reached the Grecos.
Leave a message.
Deen, it's me.
Are you there? Look, uh I don't wanna do this this thing you said last night.
I mean, I just I just I'm coming home right now, and I wanna make love to you.
Not anybody else.
You know, you.
So get ready for me.
Uh, did Deena say what time she's gonna be home? She didn't.
She did say she'd pay me $10 an hour.
That seems fair.
Kwa-kwa-kwa.
What sound is that? Kwa-kwa-kwa.
What about ah-ah? Hello.
What about Jack? Good morning, mommy.
Good morning, mommy.
Good morning.
Good morning.
So where were you last night? I was at yoga.
On Monday? Yep.
Since when do you go to yoga on Monday? I go whenever I can.
You know that.
How about pew-pew? Oh, thanks, man.
Road trip in big pearl.
Just like old times.
- Brian - We're not gonna talk about this.
We're gonna pretend it never happened.
Just go back to the way it was before.
How do we do that? Come on, baby.
Dude, when you get home, whatever you do, do not have sex with car girl.
Make it a clean break.
Ohh! Nothing but net.
Bri.
Bri! Uh, you want a mimosa, nic? Sure.
No reason not to, huh? I'm so sorry.
Hey, you guys.
Look at him.
What are we gonna do about Brian? He looks so thin.
No, it's his hair.
It's all flat.
Hey, Bri, your hair looks like crap.
I think you need some product.
Why are there eight places? Sorry I'm late.
Oh, no, you're not late.
Come in, come in.
Um everyone, this is my friend Lisa.
Lisa, you know Adam.
This is Dave and Deena.
Hi.
Nicole, Angelo.
Hi.
And this is Brian.
Hi, Lisa.
Hey.
Sit.
Yeah.
Thank you.
- Here.
Would you like a mimosa? - Yes, please.
So, uh, let's eat, huh?