What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

1 [LIVELY GUSLI STRUMMING.]
It's nightfall.
The job of a vampire's familiar is not an easy one.
It's very dangerous.
I mean, they are vampires, after all.
We can go in now.
Good evening, Master.
MAN [MUFFLED.]
: Guillermo? Yes, sir? - Is that you? - Yes, Master.
- Okay.
- Okay, Master.
It's time to rise.
MAN: The Okay.
[RATTLING.]
MAN: Guillermo, it is stuck.
I think it is the latch.
GUILLERMO: Being a vampire's familiar is like being a best friend.
Who-Who's also a slave.
MAN: Guillermo, it's too loud.
-What? GUILLERMO: Tomorrow night marks the ten-year anniversary since I started working for my Master.
I think he's planning something pretty special.
[WHISPERS.]
: I think he's gonna make me a vampire.
MAN: This is very embarrassing.
[WHISPERING.]
: Okay, Master.
He awakens.
[LIVELY STRUMMING.]
Very cool, Master.
Very scary.
Thank you.
["YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING.]
Don't sing if you want to live long They have no use for your song You're dead, you're dead, you're dead You're dead and out of this world Now your hope and compassion is gone You sold out your dream to the world Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead You're dead and out of this world.
NANDOR: Everyone? Nadja, Laszlo.
- Yeah? - Yes? Can you come downstairs for a second, please? Thank you, Laszlo.
In your own time, Nadja.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yes, good, excellent.
So, listen.
We have received a letter and I would like very much to read it to you.
But not here, we want to go into the library.
Why not here? I'd like to read it in there.
It's just a formality.
It'll sound exactly the same if you read it here than if you read it in there.
I'm not going to disagree with you, but that's not the point.
NANDOR: I was a very ferocious soldier in the Ottoman Empire.
Which meant a lot of killing, lot of pillaging.
People would say, "Please, don't pillage me.
" And I would say, "No.
I'm pillaging everyone, you included.
" I was relentless.
They would call me Nandor the Relentless.
Because I just never relent.
So I'd like very much for us to go into there, please.
Just a formality.
Come on, please, it's just a formality.
- You could have read it by now.
- Hmm.
Just a formality, okay? Look, it's not even that far.
- Oh, fuck this, fine.
- Thank you, Laszlo.
It's just a formality, please, Nadja.
- Just a formality, thank you.
- [NADJA GROANING.]
Guillermo, the door.
- That wasn't so bad, was it? - [DOOR CREAKS SHUT.]
Now before we go into the reading of the letter, I wanted to talk about general hygiene in the cell.
- [GROANS.]
- Last night, there were all these people down there, shouting and screaming, half-drunk.
Where did they find the alcohol? No, they were half-drunk.
They'd been half drunk.
- Oh.
- Please, finish a whole victim before moving on to a next one, okay? It's very unhygienic.
I think I know who's leaving them down there, - but I don't want to say.
- If you've got something to say, - then damn well say it.
- It's not hygienic.
How dare you.
[HISSES.]
[BOTH HISSING.]
The problems with living with other vampires are the vampires I have chosen to stay with.
[NANDOR AND LASZLO STRUGGLING.]
Nandor is like a big turkey just walking around trying to control everything on the farm.
- Hyah! - [LASZLO SNARLS.]
NADJA: And Laszlo is my big, crazy, wild bear and we love to chase each other around the house.
- I ought to fucking kill you! - [PANICKED YELLING.]
We have a great time together.
LASZLO: I was the most handsome man in our village.
His village was very badly affected by leprosy and the plague.
That's true.
And I, myself, did contract leprosy, but I was quite lucky 'cause it couldn't be seen.
It was only one part of my anatomy.
Well, I can see it.
Anyway, one night, I was awoken by this horrible clawing at the window.
And I thought, "Who the hell is that? 'Cause I live on the third floor.
" So I went to investigate it, I threw back the curtain Well, I saw the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.
But she was gripping the window and she was clawing at the glass.
I was hypnotized.
I used hypnosis on him.
Which I found out later.
Anyway, obviously I invited her in.
We were about to make love when she turned into this hideous, leathery bat thing.
She drained me of my blood, giving me the curse of eternal life and thus making me a bloodthirsty creature of the night.
[HISSING.]
[BOTH HISSING.]
- [HISSES.]
- [THUDS.]
Why don't we just write on them with marker pen? Put our names and the date? LASZLO: Oh, that's a good suggestion.
- NADJA: Yeah.
- Good idea, Nadja.
Marker pens, Guillermo.
Make sure they're permanent.
- Sharpie.
- LASZLO: Genius.
- NADJA: With date, as well.
- Yes, great thinking, Nadja.
- And yes, this yes.
- The name of the month, day, year.
Okay.
And now we come to the reading of the letter.
- [GROANS.]
- At last.
Guillermo? Close the door.
- The door's closed, Master.
- Close it more.
More.
Good.
- Now that we are gathered here - [SNARLING.]
together as one, finally, in accordance with the protocols Which you made up.
Yes.
We have received this letter.
From Baron Afanas.
Really? Yes.
NANDOR: How do you - GUILLERMO: Like that.
- Shh.
The Baron is coming to visit us.
Holy shit.
Silence, Guillermo.
Vampire comments only.
The Baron never leaves the old country.
Has he told us what the purpose of his visit is? Uh No.
LASZLO: The Baron is a firm believer that vampires should rule the world.
I think the main purpose for the Baron's visit is to find out whether we as vampires have populated America.
But as you can see, the place is fucking massive.
When is he coming, exactly? - Tomorrow.
- Shit.
NANDOR: Why didn't you give this to me earlier? It arrived this morning, Master.
[HISSES.]
NADJA: Baron Afanas is a very charming member of the vampire royalty.
A few hundred years ago, we enjoyed a very intense, very long sexual affair.
It was pretty wild.
Lots of acrobatic stuff.
This could make it awkward, to see him with Laszlo present.
LASZLO: Just between you and I, a while back, the Baron and I enjoyed a very intense sex affair.
Very animalistic.
Acrobatic stuff, you might say.
So I, personally, am very much looking forward to reconnecting.
We should get a chariot led by 12 black alligators.
- I like that.
- That's a lot of alligators, a lot of paint.
What about a van? A van? [GROANS.]
That's not the same, is it? Can you at least make sure it's black? Yeah.
Black van for tomorrow? Excellent.
Uh, what about the Baron's bloodlust? - Virgins.
- Oh, yes, let's do that.
Guillermo, two virgins by tomorrow evening.
- [NADJA CHUCKLING.]
- Yes, when the Baron arrives we shall feast on virgin blood.
[BOTH CACKLING.]
[VAMPIRES LAUGHING.]
[GUILLERMO CHUCKLING.]
Vampire only laughing.
- Should we tell Colin Robinson? - Laszlo, - that is a terrible idea.
- [LASZLO CLEARS THROAT.]
He'll ruin the evening.
Uh, what would ruin the evening? I told you didn't close the door properly.
Are we having a house meeting? - No.
- No.
So, your gathering here is just a coincidence? Yes.
COLIN: My name is Colin Robinson.
And I am what's known as a psychic vampire.
Or energy vampire.
This is my office.
Also known as the hunting ground.
Hi, Deb.
Energy vampires drain people's energy merely by talking to them.
Actual v.
Budget, year-to-date, no thanks.
You're gonna be at that all day.
We either bore you with a long conversation Feeling better now, I was a little sick this weekend.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
Hey, Don.
Don? I have to pee, too.
Or Hey.
We enrage you.
[SHARPENER WHINING, WHIRRING.]
In fact, you probably know an energy vampire.
We're the most common kind of vampire.
[SHARPENER SCREECHING, WHIRRING.]
We are day-walkers, not affected by the sun.
[SHARPENER SCREECHING.]
And we are the only kind of vampire that can drain another vampire's energy.
It's very cool.
The power grows stronger in him by the night.
[SNORING.]
GUILLERMO: There's different kinds of jobs that I have to do.
Keep the house tidy.
Make sure there's no sunlight.
["DANSE MACABRE" BY SAINT-SAËNS PLAYING.]
[MIMICKING NANDOR.]
: Sunlight! Why, Guillermo, why?! Not on my watch.
Getting rid of carcasses, I feel, is a big one.
So, we are under the stairs and this is my bedroom.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
This is a picture of me as Armand from Interview with the Vampire.
Played by Antonio Banderas.
That was the first time I've ever seen an Hispanic vampire in mainstream, like, movies.
And I said, "If he can do it, I-I [SCOFFS.]
I can do it.
" Guillermo boarded this whole window up, it's a huge sunlight risk.
We wouldn't want the Baron waking up to sunlight and being turned into barbecue meat.
Yeah, really cover it.
He's made a lot of comments recently, like, "I'm going to make you a vampire.
" This is a little coffin toy that, uh I hope to be in one of these one day.
What ho, good friends.
LARPERS: What ho! There's still a few places to find virgins.
LARPing stands for Live Action Role Playing.
In regular life, I'm just Jonathan.
But here, I am a very high-level paladin.
GUILLERMO: I'm not a killer.
I find people who are easy to kill.
Is that a 14th-century battle-ax? Oh, it's so exciting.
Uh, will we be able to touch the swords? Oh, you'll touch the swords.
NADJA: We moved here from Europe about 200 years ago because there was a lot of prejudice against vampires at that time.
[PEOPLE CLAMORING.]
- [EXPLOSIONS, GUNFIRE.]
- [MAN GROANS.]
They don't like the color of our skin.
Or the fact that we killed and ate people.
Probably more that.
LASZLO: We're being very careful not to stand out, which is why we're both dressed down.
- Uh, good evening.
- Go back to your own country.
What the fuck did you just say? You heard me, Ghost of Christmas Past bitch.
Oh, Mike, shut up.
Silence to you.
We've been here since 1861.
At least, our families have.
Begone.
We should just suck their blood, I'm absolutely starving.
- They're perfect.
- No, I'm furious.
He just insulted me, I'm in fifth gear.
- We should kill them.
- Yes, that's what I'm saying.
- We should suck their blood.
- Yes.
[BOTH MOANING.]
- LASZLO: Now? - NADJA: Wait.
Wait, darling.
- Now? - Now! What? [GRUNTS.]
- Mike? - [SLURPING, MIKE GROANING.]
Where the fuck are you? [SNARLING, GULPING.]
What the fuck? Yum, yum, yum.
He was delicious.
Now, listen, I don't know about you, but I'm very much in the mood for some sexual intercourse.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Darling.
Right next to the public toilet? Yes.
But why don't I get home, get cleaned up, then we can carry on with our love-making.
Um, I'm going to walk home.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Why the hell would you do that? Why would you walk home? When you could turn into a bat? Bat! [BAT SQUEAKING.]
NANDOR: I would like some of that, uh, colorful dust that sparkles.
- Glitter? - Yes.
Get me some glitter.
Whatever for, Master? Oh, I want to do something special for the Immortal One's arrival.
I'm going to sprinkle it on my face and on my body.
Like Twilight.
So deliciously macabre.
- Creepy paper.
- It's crepe paper.
- Creepy paper.
- It's crepe paper, Master.
Creepy Oh, multipack.
Master, this is pretty "macarbre.
" [GROANS.]
[GASPS, SCREAMS.]
NANDOR: Guillermo is my familiar, but sometimes he's a little too familiar, you know what I mean? I mean, he's always just there.
I think it's good, Master.
NANDOR: I mean, he works really hard, he's just not great at it.
Guillermo, my cape is stuck.
[GUILLERMO GRUNTS.]
I don't like saying this kind of thing in front of him, of course.
Sorry, Guillermo.
I don't like saying this kind of thing in front of you.
That's okay, Master.
[SCANNER BEEPING.]
Lot of glitter.
- Cash or card? - Credit.
You cannot pay with that.
GUILLERMO: I'm so sorry.
- Did you just throw a coin at me? - Yes.
Sir, you can't be throwing ancient coins at me.
- Just Credit card's fine.
- Guillermo, stab this man.
- He's joking.
- Stab him.
- Ahh - Thank you.
- I tried, and - Here you go, man.
- Thank you so much.
- You kind of disobeyed me just now.
And I'm noting it.
NADJA: Recently I have been seeing another man.
[RASPING GROWL.]
He doesn't see me, though, because I sneak behind him.
I watch him in the night, in secret.
In the old country, centuries ago, I was in a very passionate love affair with a human man called Gregor.
He was a knight.
He got decapitated in battle.
I don't think I ever really got over Gregor.
Even when I met Laszlo.
June, I've lost my boot.
June? Come on, June.
The man I saw last night, I think it is him.
I think it is my reincarnated ex-boyfriend Gregor, with his head.
LASZLO: Put it on, June.
- Shut up, Laszlo! - Yes, there we are.
Boot on.
Okay, it's just down here somewhere.
Why haven't I been to this part of the house before? It's so lovely.
- No one has for 80 years.
- [GASPS.]
Gorgeous.
What are we doing down here? There is a chamber, okay? It's going to be perfect for the bloodfeast.
If we have the ceremony in here, then you-know-who won't even need to know.
I mean Colin.
- Colin, what are you doing in here? - Oh This is my bedroom.
I'm resting.
[DOOR CREAKING.]
- [HISSING.]
- You idiot.
I didn't know he was gonna be in there.
- Why didn't you check? - [STAMMERING.]
It's fine, we're gonna have the ceremony in the attic.
We can't, the StairMaster's in there.
Well, we're going to move the StairMaster.
[SHIP'S HORN BELLOWS.]
LASZLO: Is it definitely this boat? NANDOR: There he is.
NADJA: I knew he'd have a big box.
June, you need to go and fetch him.
[SHIP'S HORN BELLOWS.]
WHARFINGER: Sir, I just need someone to sign for it.
- Where's the pen? - So, the tablet is the paper.
Your finger is the pen.
Okay, that's weird.
Okay, that's nothing.
Both of you, for some reason, aren't registering here.
You got long nails maybe or something? Would you like a go, Laszlo? - Do you have a quill? - No, it's all digital.
Then I'm not signing that.
Guillermo, give me your hand.
- Ah.
- Okay! GUILLERMO: I think the baron might be here to see me become a vampire.
That would be really cool.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
I'm ready.
[EXHALES.]
NADJA: I should be preparing for the bloodfeast, but I can't seem to stay away from new Gregor.
[WHISPERS.]
: Man.
Human man.
Man! - S-Sorry, what did you say? - Gregor, it is you.
Oh, my name is Jeff.
- Jeff? - J-Jeff Suckler.
My sweet Greg Jeff S Really J-Jeff Suckler? - Yeah.
- Ew.
[SOMBER ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS.]
I call that "Nadja's Theme.
" [CLOCK CHIMING.]
[CHIMING STOPS.]
Guillermo, are the virgins arriving soon? They should be any minute now, Master.
- Fingers crossed.
- [HISSING.]
Sorry.
Don't do that.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Ah.
Dinner is served.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum [DOOR CREAKS OPEN.]
Hello.
[CHUCKLES.]
So glad you could make it.
Please come in, quickly.
[QUIET, INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Everyone, this is Jenna and Jonathan.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Are you virgins? LASZLO: Mm.
I don't see how that's relevant.
- Mm.
- I'm actually in a relationship online, but we've yet to meet IRL.
Well done, Guillermo.
Yeah.
JONATHAN: All right, okay, let's do it.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Are they a vampire LARP group? Yeah, well, why don't we wait in here? The party's gonna start in a few minutes, so we can just hang out, and I'll come get you when [PEOPLE MOANING, MUTTERING.]
GUILLERMO: No.
No, no, no! No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
I said no! [INDISTINCT MUTTERING, GROANING CONTINUES.]
[GUILLERMO EXHALES.]
We take our LARPing very seriously.
And that was just an example.
I wanted you to see that.
I'm inspired.
So, are you a knight? Yeah, I'm Well, no, uh, sorry.
I thought you were gonna say "night watchman.
" I'm a-I'm a night watchman Mmm.
Protector of the people.
Oh, no, not-not really.
[LAUGHING LOUDLY.]
Oh, my sweet Gregor-Jeff, I forgot how much of a fantastic raconteur you were.
- [LAUGHING.]
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Ooh, do you remember that first time that we made love, and it was so passionate that I accidentally cut off your head? - No.
What? - Mm! But then I kept going, squeezing until my needs were met.
Hmm.
We should do that again.
But I mustn't.
But I want to.
But you can't.
But I have been married for such a long time.
- [LAUGHING.]
- Oh.
[GROANING VIOLENTLY.]
- I must go.
- Okay.
Let me just get your number before you go [BAT SQUEAKING.]
so we can I can we can do that again.
Uh - You're late.
- NANDOR: Throw it.
That's it.
Okay, Guillermo.
We three not counting Guillermo or June or you are gathered here in accordance with the ancient Get on with it.
- NADJA: Get on with it.
- Guys.
In bearings with the ordinance-[HISSES.]
of the nine generations that have surpassed us before this historic and memorable moment.
[GROANS.]
Guillermo, open the casket of Baron Afanas.
- [METAL CLICKING.]
- Oh Oh, it opens all by itself.
It's so cool.
In nomine Patris Et Filii Et Spiritus Sancti - [CRUNCHES.]
- [GRUNTS.]
LASZLO: Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa I say, old chap, that's our familiar.
[HYPERVENTILATING.]
Good God.
Guillermo, did you see? He ate the familiar.
[ROARS.]
That's scary.
Ne la materia che mai non dorme re de le forme.
I have risen again.
Hello, Nadja.
Hello.
He's so hilarious.
- Laszlo.
- LASZLO: Yes.
I seem to remember him having genitals.
NADJA: No, never.
That is why he was such a good lover.
Guillermo, fetch the virgins.
As an advocate of the old ways, can I just apologize for the crepe paper? NANDOR: Hey It should have been human skin, obviously.
And I deeply apologize for the StairMaster.
It's all his fault.
I go through all this effort, I get the creepy paper.
- I get Guillermo to - LASZLO: It's not "creepy.
" It's crepe paper, crepe.
Silence! I come with a proclamation.
The old ways are over.
Which is what I just said.
The New World, as you call it, is our lifeline to an eternal future.
Si It's a documentary crew.
They're cameras.
It's like they're not even here.
- They are filming me? - Yes.
NANDOR: Just pretend like they're not there.
It's kind of a natural piece.
You were saying, Baron? Centuries have passed, and you have not conquered the New World.
You hide in the shadows.
Bah.
You are weak.
JONATHAN: Oh, God.
Oh NANDOR: Not now, Guillermo.
GUILLERMO: Go, go, go.
Go, go, go.
- Go.
- BARON: Oh, by now, you should rule this, this, uh - what is this place again? - Staten Island.
This Staten Island.
[THUNDER CRASHES, METAL CLATTERS.]
Is this Staten Island the seat of power in the New World? It is where the boat dropped us off.
Down with the old ways.
Up with t-the New World.
I've been saying it for centuries, and he would never - listen - Shh.
Mm.
I must slumber.
But when I awaken, we will rule this Staten Island.
Y-Yes.
- Yes! - Yes.
Nadja? Baron.
[LAUGHS.]
- Laszlo.
- Baron.
It's Nandor.
[WIND WHOOSHING, THUNDER CRASHES.]
LASZLO: Thank God.
NANDOR: The Baron is furious with us.
It's so dumb that I wore glitter.
Let's get rid of this shit.
If we don't conquer the New World, he's going to kill us.
Again.
- Basically, we're fucked.
- Fucked.
[GROANS.]
NANDOR: Well, that was a complete disaster.
At least we have the virgins.
- [KEYS JINGLE.]
- Uh, yes.
[LOCK CLICKS.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
For an economy car.
- NANDOR: Oh, great.
- GUILLERMO: We're too late.
Colin Robinson has drained them of all their energy.
COLIN: "How are you gonna wash this car?" NANDOR: They have no nutritional value now.
COLIN: And I know you two said you don't drive, and don't have driver's licenses, but are you gonna do a a-a different type of car wash, maybe having detailing done? Now, detailing, they go into your car and they get into the nooks and crannies, so Anyway, you take care, okay? You are glum, Guillermo.
- [QUIETLY.]
: No.
- Yes.
You think that I've forgotten that tonight is a special occasion for you as well, haven't you? Does not an anniversary deserve a reward recognizing your years of service? [SONG IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE PLAYING.]
I'm ready, Master.
Good.
Prepare yourself.
[EXHALES.]
Happy anniversary, Guillermo.
- Wow - It's a glitter portrait.
It's a portrait made from glitter.
Look, it's you.
I made you a vampire.
And look who's next to you.
It's me.
- Wow.
- Enjoy it.
You can put it in your depressing room.
And you deserve it.
Two years of service.
T-Ten.
Ten years of service.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
- Ten.
- Ten years of service? [MOUTHS.]
Okay.
[NANDOR SIGHS.]
NANDOR: Night, Guillermo.
Tonight in the moonlight When I'm alone with you Tonight in the moonlight With you.
["YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING.]
Don't sing if you want to live long They have no use for your song You're dead, you're dead, you're dead You're dead and out of this world.
[EERIE CHANTING.]
[HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING.]
[CHANTING CONTINUES.]
[SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
[WOMAN WARBLING.]
[HISSING.]
[FLAMES ROARING.]
- Oh! - Aaah! ANNOUNCER: What We Do in the Shadows.