What Would Diplo Do? (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

1 G-g-g-get on it [EDM playing.]
Get on it Get on it Okay.
No anger.
Just breathe.
Happy place, happy place.
My back yard.
Sunset.
Yeah.
Birds and trees, so dope.
Yeah, this nature is tight.
If Buddha said we should have no material possessions, then why was he so fat? And why do monks always be asking for money? I bet if Jesus was on Twitter, he would have more followers than Buddha.
Except Buddha talked like a tweet, like super short and confusing.
But Jesus was so global though.
I bet Jesus had more haters than Buddha.
That means more followers.
Do you spell laser with an "s" or a "z"? Yeah, but haters, man.
Haters are so Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
No, ninja.
No, ninja.
Happy place.
Happy place.
There we go.
I mean, Jesus' entourage was kind of corny though.
I bet they never got into any parties.
You know, I bet nobody wanted to answer the door when Jesus and his crew rolled up.
It would be like, "Jesus, how many you got?" He'd be like, "12.
" "All dudes?" "Yep, and one prostitute.
" I want to set it out, I want to set it out I think I'm going to take my shirt off.
Yeah.
There we go.
That's it.
I should get a picture of me meditating.
That would be a good one for the 'Gram.
There you go.
But Jesus said, "Don't judge.
" Man, I'm hungry.
I need a burrito.
Yo, meditation is for pussies.
WOMAN: In a perfect world, this will only take me an hour.
But this is a decidedly imperfect world.
Anything else I could have blown right off and spent the day with you.
But Wes has to have blue flames at his show tonight, and a pyro malfunction is extremely dangerous.
- Jackson.
- Aunt Karen.
Do we need to have a talk about being a gentleman? Well, they're the ones who dress like that.
Isn't that the whole point, to get me to look? I thought your boss was just a DJ.
Oh, well, yeah, but there's more to it than that.
There's the curation aspect, reading the crowd, and he's also a producer.
Does he play any instruments? Well, yeah.
He can, but Whoa.
This is your office? - My dad works in a cubicle.
- No, this is his office.
- Mine's down the hall.
- Your boss is my hero.
Please don't say that.
You're a sweet, thoughtful boy.
This is nothing to aspire to.
These are all just trappings.
Yeah, and where is that going to get me? The oval office? Sign me up for this.
So, that was whack.
Calvin Harris is so much better than that.
That's that's that's so disappointing.
Dude, my [bleep.]
dog shits better shit - when it eats its own shit.
- Thanks for the image, and why are you dressed like a clown from the future? Dude, I look [bleep.]
cool.
Song's all right.
I can go either way.
Yeah.
Except for the drop.
Yeah.
Kind of sounds like an early '90s, - but not in a good way.
- Not in a good way.
Yep.
I sort of liked it.
- Yo, I rest my case.
- It sucked ass.
It fits the radio mold perfectly.
Exactly.
Exactly.
That that This is a straight-up money play.
This is Calvin being lazy.
Based on the Spotify trends in Australia, I expect it will go number one there.
- Yeah.
- Are you [bleep.]
kidding me? It this goes number one, I quit.
That's, like, bad for humanity.
You know you're not Jesus, right? Well, I mean, won't really know till I'm dead, right? You have all the toys.
Create something better, okay? - Jasper.
- Yeah? - Come with me.
- Oh [bleep.]
yeah.
Okay.
What are we doing? Here, you're running my socials today.
Yes.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
Calvin Harris is a dick pickle, and he should be sodomized by Satan in hell.
- No.
No.
No.
That's too - Okay, that's too much? - Yeah.
Too much.
- Too much, it's stupid.
Calvin Harris? More like Calvin Embarrass! Just go like, "Yo.
I wish I could go back to 1992 when Calvin Harris' new single would have been dope.
" [bleep.]
genius, right? Posted.
Hey, I'm on my way to the venue.
We all good with the blue flames? Yeah.
We will be by the time you get there, but you do need to go over the set list with Kroner, so that he knows how to time the pyro.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- Oh, and there's that little kid from Little Wishers in the lobby.
Little Wishers? The little boy whose dying wish is to spend the day with you.
Please tell me that you're an actual human being and remembered.
Of course.
Okay.
All right.
Well, I'm out of here.
I'll see you later.
All right.
- [Chime.]
- Oh Calvin just tweeted you back.
He said, "Was there a year in which Diplo's opinion actually ever mattered?" Sick burn.
Tweet back, "Calvin, three thumbs down.
Paint by numbers is for babies.
Not okay.
It's not all about the money bag emoji.
Okay.
It's posted.
Hi.
Sorry, I know I'm not supposed to wait in here, but Oh! No.
It's all good, bro.
The lobby is boring.
You don't want to wait there.
Plus, you're, like, the king, right? Your wish is my command.
I'm Wes.
- I know.
Jackson.
- Good to meet you, Jackson.
Hello.
Hello.
Wes, the sooner you get me the set list, the sooner I can talk to pyrotechnics to make sure - that the show goes smoothly - Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Don't be a Nazi.
No offense.
Jackson, if you could do anything in the world right now, what would you do? Play video games, I guess.
Kroner, call Sky High.
Book it out.
Tell them it's me.
We are going to play some video games.
Why can't we just play right here? Ah, that's basement.
We're going next-level today.
Oh, my God.
Are we going to the bouncy fun house? We are.
You're not.
Come on.
It's my favorite place in the world.
Yo, you've been banned for life.
You took those edibles.
You threw up all over those kids in the foam pit, remember? No.
No.
No.
That wasn't me.
Kroner, you got my socials today.
- Oh! - Let's go, Bud.
I've been following this great site.
They do a happy animal.
Would you just shut up already? Diplo, no.
Come on.
So how long you got, little man? I got all the time in the world.
That's right, bro.
You do.
You do.
You don't ask a dying kid how long he's got.
This is his day to forget all of that.
Dude, but you don't have to hit me because he's going to die anyways.
Yo, me and my boy are going to have the best day ever.
One, two (Rooster crowing) Yeah, diplodocus is a very cool dinosaur.
Um, that's where the "Diplo" comes from.
And the diplodocus eats, uh, plants and trees and, like, doesn't eat, like, meat or anything.
Like, if you tried to give it, like, a hamburger, it'd be like, "Yo, I don't want that.
I'm not down with that.
" But they can't really, like, um, digest food, so what they do is they eat rocks, and then they poop out the rocks.
That's what I was told.
Yo.
Yo.
Yo.
Yo.
Yeah.
Die.
Die.
Die.
Go.
Go.
Go.
Boom.
Boom.
- Yeah.
- Boom.
- Boom.
- We got it.
Legend.
Mic drop.
Mic drop.
It's already over.
It's over.
Easy.
So, uh, you got any real guns? Real guns? I mean, yeah.
But I don't really like real guns.
- Why not? - Because life is precious.
I mean, like, you'll pass, and it's totally cool, but I just feel like, you know, when you're here, it's more just about, like, how do you bring people together, instead of, like, "Imma kill you," - you know? - Mm-hmm.
[Clears throat.]
Sorry.
Calvin Harris just tweeted, "Look who got off Bieber's dick long enough to lecture me about going commercial" - No, I - [Music crescendoes.]
[EDM playing.]
I'm going to end that [bleep.]
.
- Okay.
- Tweet back, "Yo, why you so obsessed with Bieber's dick? I can introduce you.
" Oh, my.
Oh, I got it.
Ah, got a little worse.
Sent.
Ho You ready? Let's bounce.
Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy boy Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy boy So, how's anger management? Yo, I don't even need you today.
All right? I'm being a super good person.
Running your own social media, I see.
You know that's my job.
Yo, sometimes, Jamar, you've got to take a stand.
All right? Somebody is trying to put bad music out there and force that shit on the radio.
That's bad for all of us.
You put out a single called "Bubble Butt.
" Yo, that song is flames.
Oh, sorry.
No, it's all good, man.
There's nobody there, man.
Oh, no.
I have to make a shame, so Yo, that dude's weird.
All right.
That is real.
[Ringing.]
Hey.
I am so sorry.
It's gone from, like, bad to worse.
Are you okay? - You're not too bored? - Are you kidding? This is literally the best day of my life.
Really? Okay.
Well, just ask Kroner if you need anything, okay? - He'll get you whatever you want.
- Okay.
Okay.
Bye.
Okay.
All right.
Bye.
Just my aunt, she's worried about me.
Yeah.
You okay? Do you need, like, any shots or anything? Wait.
They have shots here? One sec.
Wesley, the phone's for you.
- Yo? - How's it going with the little wisher? Yo, I think he's, like, my new favorite person.
Really? He's having fun? We're both having fun.
Aw.
That's great.
I'm really glad that you're doing this.
I keep telling you, I'm a delight.
Oh, yeah.
Let's not get too carried away.
Blue flame situation dialed in? Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
It will be by the time you get here.
[Explosion, people scream.]
Oh I got to go.
Bye.
All right, peace.
Guys, the fire marshal is going to kill us.
All right.
Let's see what you've got.
[EDM playing over.]
[EDM playing over.]
Wesley? Stop bouncing.
Calvin has replied.
[EDM swells, plays over.]
Posted.
All right.
You hungry? Come on.
If you eat too much food, you'll probably get fat.
So, uh, you hate Calvin Harris? Yo, life's too short to hate anybody, but there's nothing wrong with a short life.
It's just that, like, when you look at the Earth and how old it is, and you compare it all up, everybody's life is short.
So you don't hate him? No.
I don't hate anybody.
It's like social media is not real life.
It's different.
You get it, right? It's just a game.
So who's winning? KRONER: Sorry to interrupt the party, but, if we're going to make the venue on time, we should probably go.
Also, I need a set list from you.
The pyrotechnician's asking me for it.
Yeah.
All right.
Time to go clock back into work.
Wait.
You mean your show? Yep.
Teslas don't pay for themselves.
Dude, you've got to take me.
Uh Yeah, I I don't think that's appropriate.
Dude, come on.
I'm dying to see it.
I don't know, bud.
Wes, please.
Wh-when else in my life am I going to be able to experience what's about to go down tonight? Wes, perhaps you could not read my lips.
I was saying, "No.
" I was saying, "No.
" Please? Sometimes I feel like your head is a little oven that only bakes bad ideas.
Kroner, just go wait in the car.
[EDM playing.]
Now get the barricade In the crib, yo! It's lit AF.
Dude, we got some chicks coming in.
Dude, it cannot be better.
I love my life so much, and, oh, here they come.
Dude, what's up? Woo! It's lit.
[All cheering.]
I'm going to get laid! I'm going to get laid.
What's up? - Dude, it's awesome! - What? What? Hey.
I love you.
I love you.
- Thank you, Diplo.
- Whoo! I'm going to kill him.
I am going to kill him.
I am going to kill him.
Yo.
Yo.
Yo.
It's your boy, Jackson.
Keeping it lit all day, fam.
We slaughtered aliens, ate like pigs, threw so much shade at Calvin Harris.
- Keeping it real a [bleep.]
.
- Jackson! What the heck? - Yo, it's cool.
It's cool.
- What is going on? He's just baller.
He can't help it.
He is 12.
Yeah, but I mean, you know, but he's got a life to live before - You know.
- That is my nephew.
You never told me your nephew was sick.
You grabbed the wrong kid, asshole.
[Feedback squeals.]
M-maybe a little quieter when you say like that? Jackson, I am so sorry.
He is not sick.
He's not? You're not sick? I'm the illest.
Oh, thank God.
Just walk me through what made you think that it was appropriate to bring a 12-year-old boy backstage to a concert.
W Listen, it's all good, though, because because we talked about, like, the difference between what he's seeing and, like, what's cool.
Wes to stage, if you please.
All right.
Are you ready for the magic? - It's lit! - Let's do it.
Hey, are you going to go off on Calvin, Kanye-style? - What do you mean? - Like, on the Mic.
You going to crush him? You should make him cry.
He's a little pussy bitch.
Wes, please? Wes, please? All right.
I never got the set list from you, so the pyrotechnics will just happen.
Put your hands in the air for Diplo! [EDM playing over.]
I want to set it off I want to set it off I want to set it off I wish I had had the set list, so it would be Never mind.
I want to set it off I want to set it off I want to set it off I want to set it off I want to set it off I want to set it off I want to set it off - I want to set it off - I want to set it off I want to set it off [Music distorts.]
[Blade ringing.]
She got a big, big-big, fat-fat Culo [EDM playing over.]
Stick it out Crank it up for me Loud mix Stick it eh! Stick it eh! [Instrumental music.]
[Beat drops.]
[Music fades.]
Bro, if he [bleep.]
swings at you, if he steps to you, if you feel disrespected in any way, you know I will [bleep.]
throw down.
I will throw down so hard.
Remember that kid, Ricky, that, like, - messed me up in high school? - In middle school? - Yeah.
- Well, no.
It was high school because he he did it twice.
Well, he did it in seventh grade and - Yeah, right.
- Eighth grade.
I'll do that to Calvin.
I appreciate that.
By the way, I also did mushrooms, so, if we're going to fight him, we've got to do it now before these bad boys kick in.
All right.
I think I think I'm good, though.
- Okay.
- All right? All right.
All right, go to the bar.
- Um, find Karen.
- Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
And don't lose that ID badge - around your neck.
- I won't.
Karen! I did mushrooms again! I'm on a mission.
I'm on a mission.
I'm on a mission.
Yo.
Yo.
You want a Yerba? Yeah.
Yo, I I I didn't really [bleep.]
your girl.
No shit.
I do know the difference between, like, "your" and "you are," by the way like, with the apostrophe.
I know that.
It's just the auto-correct with the phone, was like Right.
[Sighs.]
I know I can be annoying.
Who? You? I just, I When I feel something, I got to say it.
I've tried stuffing it down for other people, and it just, like, it eats at me, like a little alien in my stomach.
- It's like in that movie - Is this you trying to apologize? It's not personal.
That's all I'm saying.
Like, I Like, I can't, like, not be me.
I never doubted your sincerity.
Why do you think you're so annoying? Like a malicious dick I could ignore, but a righteous dick There are better ways to communicate, though.
I mean, you know, we've got a lot of eyes on us.
Look, we're different people, but we've got a lot in common, but we're specific.
Choices that most people wouldn't give a second thought, matter to us.
They have to.
Otherwise, we're just posers pressing buttons.
Be you.
Just don't expect me to always agree with you.
Are we? Posers that press a button? No.
We're shamanic healers offering glimpses of enlightenment through music.
Yo.
What's lamer than a DJ war? A moped race.
Uh A Vine party.
Two folk musicians arm wrestling.
The VMAs.
People who dress up like Neo from "The Matrix.
" Every [bleep.]
Halloween.
No, people that dress up like "The Crow.
" Tom Hiddleston But he's a friend of mine.
I don't I don't I don't trust him.
He's too tall.
All right.
Say, "Mad decent.
" Cool.
All right.
Take a look.
Make sure I'm not closing my eyes like a goober.
Aw, you look good.
You look good.
Did you have fun tonight? All right.
You need a hat.
- There you go.
- Whoa.
All right, bro.
If you ever want to come to another show, you just let me know.
All right? - Uh-huh.
- Sweet.
Whoa, and he blows it up, too.
- Yeah.
- I love it.
Are you ready to go? Unless there is anything else.
Um Yeah.
Your wish is my command.
Can can you introduce me to Calvin Harris? That guy is the mother [bleep.]
shit.
Um [EDM playing over.]