Whites (2010) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
Whites 1x01 Almost ready, Chef! If that's a complaint, I don't want to hear it.
Too many complaints already.
Sorry, Chef.
I'm sorry.
Back on your station.
- Off my path.
- Check on, Chef! Listen up, fellas! Table 14, one rabbit, two duck, yes? Yes, Chef! Table six.
Table nine away.
How much longer on that veal, Axel? - A few minutes, Chef.
- "A few minutes?" - Can you try and be a bit more specific? - 11 minutes.
- 11 minutes? - I don't know! - You don't know.
- Hello? - Roland, we're getting carpet-bombed out here.
- Who is this? Yeah, that's very I'm being serious! What are you doing? I'm right in the middle of something, Bib.
Two minutes.
Service! Chapter One - A Chef Is Born.
I suppose a lot of my food philosophies came from my grandfather.
I shall never forget the day he sat me down and said, "Roland, if God didn't want us to eat animals, "he wouldn't have made them out of meat.
" Where's Roland? - He's in his office.
- What's he doing in there? He's busy.
Roland, there's a vegetarian on table 12 who's I mean, a cow is basically all the different cuts of beef you can get in a handy leather bag.
- Yes, Caroline.
- What are you doing? - Writing my book.
- What? - Writing my book.
- Yes, I heard what you said.
- What book? - It's a cook book.
A mixture of memoirs and offal recipes.
Wow.
I'll make sure I pre-order that.
Why are you doing this in the middle of service? Can't control when inspiration hits Caroline.
No.
Maybe you could come and tell one of your stories to our hungry customers.
Ooh, I've got a good one about when I accidentally shot an owl with an airgun.
When did you get a book deal? - Define deal? -Right, so no-one's actually asked you to write a book, then? No-one asked Matthew, Mark, Luke and John to write the Bible, did they? For the cover.
My Innards.
These are just mock-ups, obviously.
I've got others.
Entrails and Tribulations.
This is my favourite Yup? Listen up, ladies.
We've got people waiting, so let's have table 6, table 11 and table 19 away and start plating 3 and 12.
- Yes, Chef! - Axel, how long for the puy lentils? - Ten minutes? - Too long.
- Four? - There we go.
Service! - Roland, I can't keep doing this.
- Doing what? - Chef? - I just don't think it's fair - Chef? - Yes, Kiki, what is it? - A man on table six wants an egg-less omelette.
He wants an egg Kiki, you can't have an egg-less omelette, can you? - Why, do we not have any? - No.
They don't exist do they? Cos there's no Bread sticks, what are they made of? Bread? Bread, very good.
Take away the bread, what are you left with? - Sticks? - No, Ki There you go, that is an eggless omelette! OK.
Don't take the plate! Kiki, what are you doing? Please! Kiki, just ask the nice man if he'd like his omelette made with whole eggs or with just egg whites.
You can leave the plate.
There you go.
Careful with the plates! You're not at a Greek wedding.
- Roland, I can't keep doing service on my own.
- What? You're not on your own.
You've got Axel.
Clumsiest man I've ever met in my live.
Yesterday, he slipped on cooking oil and threw four dozen eggs in the air.
It's like being in a silent movie.
I need help in the kitchen, Roland.
Sarah says I'm working too hard.
- Ahh, right.
- What? Nothing.
How is Sarah? Wouldn't know, would I? I barely see her these days.
Table 16 away now, please! Last thing at night and first thing in the morning.
Just the back of her head resting on the pillow.
It might not even be her.
She might have escaped.
It could be cushions and a wig! Me and Rebecca went through a similar thing.
We never saw each other.
When we did, it was just bicker, bicker, bicker.
We became strangers.
But you know what? You work through it, yeah? Always remember, "This too shall pass.
" Rebecca divorced you and moved to Jersey.
Ipso facto, problem solved.
Service! Do you know, I had a dream last night? I had carrots for fingers and celery legs and you were dressed as a native and you had me in a big pot and you were reducing me down to nothing.
I had a dream the other night I was riding a cow through the Imperial War Museum.
I need help in the kitchen, Roland! Please? OK, I'll sort it.
Today, OK? I promise.
- You promise, really? - Absolutely.
And will you at least stay here until the end of service? Not going anywhere, Bib.
I am your rock.
Ooh, Roland, darling, there you are.
Can I have five minutes? Certainly, Celia.
Step into my office.
What can I do? She's the boss.
She's the boss! Ooh, look at that.
Isn't it wonderful how children draw? I did that, Celia.
Very artistic.
Looks like a moon.
Little outpost there, with a spaceship.
- That's eggplant.
- Fuel tanks.
For a mission.
Potatoes.
Looks yummy.
So, I'm having one of my oldest friends over for din-dins tonight and I was wondering what we should have.
I was thinking something super-special.
Well there's the menu.
I know what you should do.
Jack and I used to have this wonderful meal in Panama.
It was like a chicken, but not chicken-sized.
A bit smaller than a chicken.
A chick? Not a chick.
Not a baby one.
More like a teenager chicken.
Poussin.
No.
It wasn't a fish.
Fish is poisson.
You're talking about a poussin.
Am I? Well, whatever it was, fish or chicken it was scrummy-licious.
We'll have that.
Look, Celia, I don't know if we've got any poussin.
You'll love my friend.
She's a hoot! She was a terrible slut at school, then bagged herself a millionaire.
She runs a publishing empire now.
The fact remains Celia that I don't think we've got any - She runs a what? - A publishing company, darling.
Milton something or other.
Huge, worldwide.
And what was the poussin served with? Axel? Axel? - Axel? - Yep? Think you could move a little bit faster? - We do have to get both these sacks peeled and cooked in an hour.
- Really? Really, yes.
So if we could just, you know zippy-zip-zip.
- Yes, Chef.
- Good man.
Chapter Two - Black Pudding.
I remember the first time I tried black pudding and realised it wasn't a pudding at all, but hot pig's blood, dried into a giant sausage.
Looking for the head chef.
Executive chef? You've found him.
Name's Skoose.
Agency sent me.
What you doing? You know, all the mops going up and down on their own in the buckets - Cinderella? - No, not Cinderella! Da-da-da-da-da-da! - It's The Sorcerer's Apprentice! - Oh, sorry! I got you an apprentice.
You what? You said you wanted help, I got you help.
This is Skoose.
God, that's amazing.
Nice to meet you, Skoose.
- You too.
- Bib Spiers, my number two.
Second banana.
He's the one you'll have to kill if you want to be king.
- I'll remember that.
- Good, fantastic.
Job done.
Well, I'll leave you two to get acquainted.
Why don't you take Skoose downstairs, get him a new set of whites? I will do that.
Yes.
Absolutely.
I just wanted to say, Chef Thanks for this opportunity.
I will not let you down.
Ever.
Chapter Three - Faggots.
OK.
Any locker's fine.
If you see Jackie in Human Resources, she'll allocate you a padlock.
Do remember though, if you lose it, they won't provide you with another one.
I actually got mine from a bike shop in town.
It's got a combination on it.
It's actually better.
- Going to watch, are ya? - Pardon? You going to watch me getting changed? What? No.
I was Sorry! - So Skooze.
- Skoose.
Skoose.
Tell me about you, then.
What's the big plan? Dreams, hopes, ambitions? I want to be head chef in four years.
Wow.
That is ambitious.
Yeah.
Which means I need to be Roland's sous chef in two.
I hate to break it to you young man, but Roland already has a sous chef.
Sure.
I understand.
But a lot can happen in two years, can't it? And there's your poussin.
Fresh as the day is long.
Melvin.
You're a star.
Where d'you get them at such short notice? Probably best we don't have that conversation.
- What did you do to your hand? - Oh, this? Nothing.
- Did it boning a pig.
- That's no way to talk about your wife.
What d'you say? Nothing.
I'd better get going.
Yeah, no, I should shoot off as well.
I've got a stag tied up in the back of the van.
He'll be waking up in a minute.
And here we are.
I like to call this place the secret garden.
It's not very secret, is it? - Hm? - You can see it from the car park.
OK, so Roland needs coriander, mint So, the garden's split into two sections.
Your soft herbs over here and then the harder herbs over here, your rosemary, thyme and whatnot.
What's this one? That's coriander.
Roland needs that, so - How about this one? - That's chervil.
- This one? - Marjoram.
I'm sure you know this.
- This one? Parsley.
Flat-leaf parsley.
Looks a bit like coriander though, dunnit.
- Yes, it does.
- Could be confusing.
Not really.
Not if you smell it.
Smell it, then.
Pardon? Beautiful, innit.
Out here.
Yes, it is, yeah.
It is, erm It is beautiful.
I find it very peaceful, actually.
After the chaos of the kitchen, it can be a real salve to be out here amongst the herbs.
You ever met the gardener? Or don't you socialise with people like that? - What? - Wonder if he's buried anyone out here.
- Who, Chris? - I bet you could.
Go down deep enough.
Even bones turn to powder, if you use enough quicklime.
Roland, there you are.
We have to talk about our vegetarian options.
Sure.
Um I just think our menu is a little meat-centric.
What makes you say that? "Hello, my name's Trudi.
"I'm a vegetarian and I'm going to dinner tonight "at The White House restaurant.
OK, what should I have? "Oooh, I could have some bread and a nice drink.
" Tell Trudi she can have the risotto.
"I can't hear you.
I'm crying because I've had risotto a million times.
" Not my artichoke risotto she hasn't.
Now what's happened? I shot myself.
I couldn't take the disappointment.
Still talking though, with a hole in your head.
Can't we just do something a bit more creative? I don't know, a nice carpaccio of cauliflower with a ragout of white beans.
Caroline, why don't I worry about what I'm going to cook, and you worry about putting that on tonight's menu.
What? - I'm doing a walnut and pomegranate poussin.
- The menus are already printed.
Print 'em again.
Celia's got a friend coming and I want to do them something super-special.
Since when have you cared about Celia's guests? Since I found out that this particular guest is a publisher.
What? You actually think a publisher is going to be interested in your "meat and memories"? Oh, THAT is a good title.
Say that again.
Are you recording? Roland is a cock.
- Hello.
- All right? Are you upset because it's your first day and you don't know anyone? Eh? Tears.
- It's the shallots.
- I remember my first day.
I needed the loo but I was too scared to ask where it was, so I ended up going behind a gravestone in the chapel out the back and I thought I saw a ghost, but it was just wee-steam.
I'm Kiki.
So now you know me, and you don't need to be sad any more.
Thanks, Kiki.
OK, gather round, guys.
Pretty Boy, Mugs, Axel.
Leave that, you can do that later.
This is your VIP poussin for tonight.
Bed of pomme puree.
Poussin just resting on top, nice and casual.
Legs crossed like he's sunbathing.
Walnut dressing, just around the plate.
Don't go mad.
And you've got your disc of pomegranate mousse and that is it.
- Did you put any gelatine in the mousse, Chef? - It's not a blancmange.
Since the pomegranate can be unstable, I did stick half a leaf in to help it hold up.
Well done, Skoose.
Gold star.
Have a look at it.
Have a taste.
I want them going out perfect.
- Yes, Chef.
- Yes, Chef.
Good to see you doing some actual cooking for a change.
You going to wear your hair up like that tonight? He seems nice.
- Hm? Who? - Skoose.
- Skoose? - Yeah.
He's got a kind face.
Kind? He looks like an evil Dickens character.
Ooh, don't go down there.
You might bump into Herville McGruff, the wicked baby-puncher.
Check on, Chef.
OK, boys, here we go, first one of the night.
Ca marche, one lamb, one sea bass, two ravioli and one beef medium! ALL: Yes, Chef! Well come on then.
Let's go! Check on, Chef.
OK.
Ca marche.
Listen up, everyone.
Two navarin, one duck, two liver, one sea bass, yes? - Yes, Chef! - Fish and chips twice, please! - I heard you the first time! - Celia.
You're here.
Great.
- Service! Yes, we're all sat down.
I'm starving.
Ooh, that looks good.
Mmm.
One more prawn, please, Axel.
Yes, Chef.
So, we all ready? Celia, go and sit down.
I want you to relax, have a nice evening with your friend.
- I've got your poussin all ready.
- Ah, yes mmm.
I'm not sure I fancy that now.
What? Well, it's not right, is it.
They're only little.
I think I might have some of your scrummy sea bass instead.
- Right.
- Well, I won't keep you.
I know you've got a lot on your plate! SHE LAUGHS Make that two more prawns, Axel.
- Yes, Chef.
- Away on table 17 so I need my lamb.
My lamb! Where's my lamb, Bib? - Coming, Chef.
Skoose? - Yes, Chef.
- That's not done, Skoose.
- Yeah, it is.
No.
It's not.
Put it back in one more minute.
Sure.
Didn't realise you wanted it cremated.
When we're in this kitchen, we work as a team.
OK? - I'm your sous chef and you do what I say.
- Yes, gaylord.
- Pardon?! - I said, "Yes, Chef.
" - Bib! Lamb! - Coming, Chef.
That is not done, Skoose.
It needs to go back in for another minute.
- Can we get not get one simple thing right? - I did try to tell him, Chef.
- Well, don't try and tell him, tell him.
You're not his therapist.
- Chef.
- Skoose listen to your sous chef.
He knows what he's talking about.
- Yes, Chef.
- Sorry, Chef.
- Never mind "sorry, Chef".
How about, "Where's my P45, Chef?" - Why didn't you give me a reference, Chef? - Yes, Chef.
Bib, watch him.
He's yours, yeah? Check on, Chef.
OK, check on.
One trout, one ravioli, one beef medium.
Yes, Chef! So, one of the customers is complaining about the vegetarian options.
Is this you doing one of your jokes, Caroline? Sadly, no.
I'd like to say, "I hate to say I told you so," but I can't, because I like it.
Does that make sense? She's wondering what she can eat.
Maybe she can chow down on her own smug sense of self-importance.
- Great! - Tell this woman if she wants to eat leaves and rain, she can go out at the garden and nibble on a birch tree.
We've got a field of grass out the back.
She can get down on all fours and chew away with the other cows.
In the meantime, she can sit her bony arse down and eat my meat.
And that's what you'd like me to tell Celia's guest, is it? Sure.
I'll go pass on the message.
What What did you say? Nothing.
Just Celia's guest doesn't eat meat.
And hates risotto, apparently.
What an idiot.
Caroline, stop! Bib.
Get me a cauliflower.
Great service tonight, Chef.
Thanks, Bib.
The, er That, er cauliflower dish.
That was great.
Wow.
Get that on the menu.
It's not going on the menu, Bib.
No.
So Skoose.
He's just temping, right? He's not here forever.
Ah.
Got some good news on that front, actually.
I just spoke to the agency.
He's ours.
- I - Or should I say, yours.
Right.
- Told you I'd sort it, didn't I? - Yes.
Erm No need to thank me, Bib.
All in a day's work.
Why are you still here, anyway? Go on, go home and knob that wife of yours.
Ah, that's really sweet.
Thank you.
Night, Bib.
Night, Roland.
Baby, no, my battery's literally about to die No, I'm leaving now.
Yeah.
Half an hour, I promise.
OK.
Can't wait to see Oh.
OK.
Skoose, I'm off, so just make sure you lock these doors when you're done.
Yeah.
Look, Bib, about the lamb earlier.
You were right.
It was a bit under-cooked.
I made a mistake.
I'll listen to you next time.
It's like you said, when we're in the kitchen, we're a team.
Well, that's very big of you, Skoose.
Maybe you're not quite ready to be a sous chef just yet, hmm? Still a few things you can learn from an old dog? Yes, Chef.
Ooh.
Skoose, you've, erm Skoose? No! Skoose! Skoose! Skoose! Skoose! - Hello.
- Hello.
I think you might have actually got away with it.
Celia certainly seemed happy enough.
Mind you, she had drunk enough caipirinhas to blind a wolf.
I've just spent the last 45 minutes putting her to bed in one of the rooms upstairs.
I had to take all her clothes off for her.
It was like unwrapping a mummy.
- Urgh.
- So did you speak to her friend? - Yep.
- And did you tell them your book idea? - Yep.
- And? - She loved it.
Thought it was brilliant.
- Well, that's good.
She might give you a book deal after all.
- Caroline, I'm not going to get a book deal.
- Hey, Mr Negative, never say never.
Celia said they're one of the biggest publishing companies in the world.
- They are.
Of maps.
What? Milton-Barnes are one of the world's biggest publishers in the world of maps and shipping charts.
So, if I ever discover a county, I know who to call.
Do you want a drink? Oh, no, I can't.
Robin is cooking me a late supper.
Right.
He's doing sushi.
Oh, so not actual cooking, then? Night, Caroline.
Good night, Roland.
Chapter 4 Bollocks.
Here comes Roland with his boring food! Classic.
All right if I park here? Oh, God.
This, Kiki, is my new Bible.
Is that Jesus? - Somebody kill me.
- I'll do it.
Got a new menu for tonight, going in a whole new direction.
What are you doing? Caramelising your onions? These rock-hard spikes, they're all right to eat, are they? Let's hope Robin doesn't hear about your reaction every time Shay's within ten yards.
Roland, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
- Hey, guys.
- Hi, Shay.
Oh, what do you know? Since there's nothing above There must be something below So take those pictures off the wall No-one will believe you till your world starts to fall down.
Too many complaints already.
Sorry, Chef.
I'm sorry.
Back on your station.
- Off my path.
- Check on, Chef! Listen up, fellas! Table 14, one rabbit, two duck, yes? Yes, Chef! Table six.
Table nine away.
How much longer on that veal, Axel? - A few minutes, Chef.
- "A few minutes?" - Can you try and be a bit more specific? - 11 minutes.
- 11 minutes? - I don't know! - You don't know.
- Hello? - Roland, we're getting carpet-bombed out here.
- Who is this? Yeah, that's very I'm being serious! What are you doing? I'm right in the middle of something, Bib.
Two minutes.
Service! Chapter One - A Chef Is Born.
I suppose a lot of my food philosophies came from my grandfather.
I shall never forget the day he sat me down and said, "Roland, if God didn't want us to eat animals, "he wouldn't have made them out of meat.
" Where's Roland? - He's in his office.
- What's he doing in there? He's busy.
Roland, there's a vegetarian on table 12 who's I mean, a cow is basically all the different cuts of beef you can get in a handy leather bag.
- Yes, Caroline.
- What are you doing? - Writing my book.
- What? - Writing my book.
- Yes, I heard what you said.
- What book? - It's a cook book.
A mixture of memoirs and offal recipes.
Wow.
I'll make sure I pre-order that.
Why are you doing this in the middle of service? Can't control when inspiration hits Caroline.
No.
Maybe you could come and tell one of your stories to our hungry customers.
Ooh, I've got a good one about when I accidentally shot an owl with an airgun.
When did you get a book deal? - Define deal? -Right, so no-one's actually asked you to write a book, then? No-one asked Matthew, Mark, Luke and John to write the Bible, did they? For the cover.
My Innards.
These are just mock-ups, obviously.
I've got others.
Entrails and Tribulations.
This is my favourite Yup? Listen up, ladies.
We've got people waiting, so let's have table 6, table 11 and table 19 away and start plating 3 and 12.
- Yes, Chef! - Axel, how long for the puy lentils? - Ten minutes? - Too long.
- Four? - There we go.
Service! - Roland, I can't keep doing this.
- Doing what? - Chef? - I just don't think it's fair - Chef? - Yes, Kiki, what is it? - A man on table six wants an egg-less omelette.
He wants an egg Kiki, you can't have an egg-less omelette, can you? - Why, do we not have any? - No.
They don't exist do they? Cos there's no Bread sticks, what are they made of? Bread? Bread, very good.
Take away the bread, what are you left with? - Sticks? - No, Ki There you go, that is an eggless omelette! OK.
Don't take the plate! Kiki, what are you doing? Please! Kiki, just ask the nice man if he'd like his omelette made with whole eggs or with just egg whites.
You can leave the plate.
There you go.
Careful with the plates! You're not at a Greek wedding.
- Roland, I can't keep doing service on my own.
- What? You're not on your own.
You've got Axel.
Clumsiest man I've ever met in my live.
Yesterday, he slipped on cooking oil and threw four dozen eggs in the air.
It's like being in a silent movie.
I need help in the kitchen, Roland.
Sarah says I'm working too hard.
- Ahh, right.
- What? Nothing.
How is Sarah? Wouldn't know, would I? I barely see her these days.
Table 16 away now, please! Last thing at night and first thing in the morning.
Just the back of her head resting on the pillow.
It might not even be her.
She might have escaped.
It could be cushions and a wig! Me and Rebecca went through a similar thing.
We never saw each other.
When we did, it was just bicker, bicker, bicker.
We became strangers.
But you know what? You work through it, yeah? Always remember, "This too shall pass.
" Rebecca divorced you and moved to Jersey.
Ipso facto, problem solved.
Service! Do you know, I had a dream last night? I had carrots for fingers and celery legs and you were dressed as a native and you had me in a big pot and you were reducing me down to nothing.
I had a dream the other night I was riding a cow through the Imperial War Museum.
I need help in the kitchen, Roland! Please? OK, I'll sort it.
Today, OK? I promise.
- You promise, really? - Absolutely.
And will you at least stay here until the end of service? Not going anywhere, Bib.
I am your rock.
Ooh, Roland, darling, there you are.
Can I have five minutes? Certainly, Celia.
Step into my office.
What can I do? She's the boss.
She's the boss! Ooh, look at that.
Isn't it wonderful how children draw? I did that, Celia.
Very artistic.
Looks like a moon.
Little outpost there, with a spaceship.
- That's eggplant.
- Fuel tanks.
For a mission.
Potatoes.
Looks yummy.
So, I'm having one of my oldest friends over for din-dins tonight and I was wondering what we should have.
I was thinking something super-special.
Well there's the menu.
I know what you should do.
Jack and I used to have this wonderful meal in Panama.
It was like a chicken, but not chicken-sized.
A bit smaller than a chicken.
A chick? Not a chick.
Not a baby one.
More like a teenager chicken.
Poussin.
No.
It wasn't a fish.
Fish is poisson.
You're talking about a poussin.
Am I? Well, whatever it was, fish or chicken it was scrummy-licious.
We'll have that.
Look, Celia, I don't know if we've got any poussin.
You'll love my friend.
She's a hoot! She was a terrible slut at school, then bagged herself a millionaire.
She runs a publishing empire now.
The fact remains Celia that I don't think we've got any - She runs a what? - A publishing company, darling.
Milton something or other.
Huge, worldwide.
And what was the poussin served with? Axel? Axel? - Axel? - Yep? Think you could move a little bit faster? - We do have to get both these sacks peeled and cooked in an hour.
- Really? Really, yes.
So if we could just, you know zippy-zip-zip.
- Yes, Chef.
- Good man.
Chapter Two - Black Pudding.
I remember the first time I tried black pudding and realised it wasn't a pudding at all, but hot pig's blood, dried into a giant sausage.
Looking for the head chef.
Executive chef? You've found him.
Name's Skoose.
Agency sent me.
What you doing? You know, all the mops going up and down on their own in the buckets - Cinderella? - No, not Cinderella! Da-da-da-da-da-da! - It's The Sorcerer's Apprentice! - Oh, sorry! I got you an apprentice.
You what? You said you wanted help, I got you help.
This is Skoose.
God, that's amazing.
Nice to meet you, Skoose.
- You too.
- Bib Spiers, my number two.
Second banana.
He's the one you'll have to kill if you want to be king.
- I'll remember that.
- Good, fantastic.
Job done.
Well, I'll leave you two to get acquainted.
Why don't you take Skoose downstairs, get him a new set of whites? I will do that.
Yes.
Absolutely.
I just wanted to say, Chef Thanks for this opportunity.
I will not let you down.
Ever.
Chapter Three - Faggots.
OK.
Any locker's fine.
If you see Jackie in Human Resources, she'll allocate you a padlock.
Do remember though, if you lose it, they won't provide you with another one.
I actually got mine from a bike shop in town.
It's got a combination on it.
It's actually better.
- Going to watch, are ya? - Pardon? You going to watch me getting changed? What? No.
I was Sorry! - So Skooze.
- Skoose.
Skoose.
Tell me about you, then.
What's the big plan? Dreams, hopes, ambitions? I want to be head chef in four years.
Wow.
That is ambitious.
Yeah.
Which means I need to be Roland's sous chef in two.
I hate to break it to you young man, but Roland already has a sous chef.
Sure.
I understand.
But a lot can happen in two years, can't it? And there's your poussin.
Fresh as the day is long.
Melvin.
You're a star.
Where d'you get them at such short notice? Probably best we don't have that conversation.
- What did you do to your hand? - Oh, this? Nothing.
- Did it boning a pig.
- That's no way to talk about your wife.
What d'you say? Nothing.
I'd better get going.
Yeah, no, I should shoot off as well.
I've got a stag tied up in the back of the van.
He'll be waking up in a minute.
And here we are.
I like to call this place the secret garden.
It's not very secret, is it? - Hm? - You can see it from the car park.
OK, so Roland needs coriander, mint So, the garden's split into two sections.
Your soft herbs over here and then the harder herbs over here, your rosemary, thyme and whatnot.
What's this one? That's coriander.
Roland needs that, so - How about this one? - That's chervil.
- This one? - Marjoram.
I'm sure you know this.
- This one? Parsley.
Flat-leaf parsley.
Looks a bit like coriander though, dunnit.
- Yes, it does.
- Could be confusing.
Not really.
Not if you smell it.
Smell it, then.
Pardon? Beautiful, innit.
Out here.
Yes, it is, yeah.
It is, erm It is beautiful.
I find it very peaceful, actually.
After the chaos of the kitchen, it can be a real salve to be out here amongst the herbs.
You ever met the gardener? Or don't you socialise with people like that? - What? - Wonder if he's buried anyone out here.
- Who, Chris? - I bet you could.
Go down deep enough.
Even bones turn to powder, if you use enough quicklime.
Roland, there you are.
We have to talk about our vegetarian options.
Sure.
Um I just think our menu is a little meat-centric.
What makes you say that? "Hello, my name's Trudi.
"I'm a vegetarian and I'm going to dinner tonight "at The White House restaurant.
OK, what should I have? "Oooh, I could have some bread and a nice drink.
" Tell Trudi she can have the risotto.
"I can't hear you.
I'm crying because I've had risotto a million times.
" Not my artichoke risotto she hasn't.
Now what's happened? I shot myself.
I couldn't take the disappointment.
Still talking though, with a hole in your head.
Can't we just do something a bit more creative? I don't know, a nice carpaccio of cauliflower with a ragout of white beans.
Caroline, why don't I worry about what I'm going to cook, and you worry about putting that on tonight's menu.
What? - I'm doing a walnut and pomegranate poussin.
- The menus are already printed.
Print 'em again.
Celia's got a friend coming and I want to do them something super-special.
Since when have you cared about Celia's guests? Since I found out that this particular guest is a publisher.
What? You actually think a publisher is going to be interested in your "meat and memories"? Oh, THAT is a good title.
Say that again.
Are you recording? Roland is a cock.
- Hello.
- All right? Are you upset because it's your first day and you don't know anyone? Eh? Tears.
- It's the shallots.
- I remember my first day.
I needed the loo but I was too scared to ask where it was, so I ended up going behind a gravestone in the chapel out the back and I thought I saw a ghost, but it was just wee-steam.
I'm Kiki.
So now you know me, and you don't need to be sad any more.
Thanks, Kiki.
OK, gather round, guys.
Pretty Boy, Mugs, Axel.
Leave that, you can do that later.
This is your VIP poussin for tonight.
Bed of pomme puree.
Poussin just resting on top, nice and casual.
Legs crossed like he's sunbathing.
Walnut dressing, just around the plate.
Don't go mad.
And you've got your disc of pomegranate mousse and that is it.
- Did you put any gelatine in the mousse, Chef? - It's not a blancmange.
Since the pomegranate can be unstable, I did stick half a leaf in to help it hold up.
Well done, Skoose.
Gold star.
Have a look at it.
Have a taste.
I want them going out perfect.
- Yes, Chef.
- Yes, Chef.
Good to see you doing some actual cooking for a change.
You going to wear your hair up like that tonight? He seems nice.
- Hm? Who? - Skoose.
- Skoose? - Yeah.
He's got a kind face.
Kind? He looks like an evil Dickens character.
Ooh, don't go down there.
You might bump into Herville McGruff, the wicked baby-puncher.
Check on, Chef.
OK, boys, here we go, first one of the night.
Ca marche, one lamb, one sea bass, two ravioli and one beef medium! ALL: Yes, Chef! Well come on then.
Let's go! Check on, Chef.
OK.
Ca marche.
Listen up, everyone.
Two navarin, one duck, two liver, one sea bass, yes? - Yes, Chef! - Fish and chips twice, please! - I heard you the first time! - Celia.
You're here.
Great.
- Service! Yes, we're all sat down.
I'm starving.
Ooh, that looks good.
Mmm.
One more prawn, please, Axel.
Yes, Chef.
So, we all ready? Celia, go and sit down.
I want you to relax, have a nice evening with your friend.
- I've got your poussin all ready.
- Ah, yes mmm.
I'm not sure I fancy that now.
What? Well, it's not right, is it.
They're only little.
I think I might have some of your scrummy sea bass instead.
- Right.
- Well, I won't keep you.
I know you've got a lot on your plate! SHE LAUGHS Make that two more prawns, Axel.
- Yes, Chef.
- Away on table 17 so I need my lamb.
My lamb! Where's my lamb, Bib? - Coming, Chef.
Skoose? - Yes, Chef.
- That's not done, Skoose.
- Yeah, it is.
No.
It's not.
Put it back in one more minute.
Sure.
Didn't realise you wanted it cremated.
When we're in this kitchen, we work as a team.
OK? - I'm your sous chef and you do what I say.
- Yes, gaylord.
- Pardon?! - I said, "Yes, Chef.
" - Bib! Lamb! - Coming, Chef.
That is not done, Skoose.
It needs to go back in for another minute.
- Can we get not get one simple thing right? - I did try to tell him, Chef.
- Well, don't try and tell him, tell him.
You're not his therapist.
- Chef.
- Skoose listen to your sous chef.
He knows what he's talking about.
- Yes, Chef.
- Sorry, Chef.
- Never mind "sorry, Chef".
How about, "Where's my P45, Chef?" - Why didn't you give me a reference, Chef? - Yes, Chef.
Bib, watch him.
He's yours, yeah? Check on, Chef.
OK, check on.
One trout, one ravioli, one beef medium.
Yes, Chef! So, one of the customers is complaining about the vegetarian options.
Is this you doing one of your jokes, Caroline? Sadly, no.
I'd like to say, "I hate to say I told you so," but I can't, because I like it.
Does that make sense? She's wondering what she can eat.
Maybe she can chow down on her own smug sense of self-importance.
- Great! - Tell this woman if she wants to eat leaves and rain, she can go out at the garden and nibble on a birch tree.
We've got a field of grass out the back.
She can get down on all fours and chew away with the other cows.
In the meantime, she can sit her bony arse down and eat my meat.
And that's what you'd like me to tell Celia's guest, is it? Sure.
I'll go pass on the message.
What What did you say? Nothing.
Just Celia's guest doesn't eat meat.
And hates risotto, apparently.
What an idiot.
Caroline, stop! Bib.
Get me a cauliflower.
Great service tonight, Chef.
Thanks, Bib.
The, er That, er cauliflower dish.
That was great.
Wow.
Get that on the menu.
It's not going on the menu, Bib.
No.
So Skoose.
He's just temping, right? He's not here forever.
Ah.
Got some good news on that front, actually.
I just spoke to the agency.
He's ours.
- I - Or should I say, yours.
Right.
- Told you I'd sort it, didn't I? - Yes.
Erm No need to thank me, Bib.
All in a day's work.
Why are you still here, anyway? Go on, go home and knob that wife of yours.
Ah, that's really sweet.
Thank you.
Night, Bib.
Night, Roland.
Baby, no, my battery's literally about to die No, I'm leaving now.
Yeah.
Half an hour, I promise.
OK.
Can't wait to see Oh.
OK.
Skoose, I'm off, so just make sure you lock these doors when you're done.
Yeah.
Look, Bib, about the lamb earlier.
You were right.
It was a bit under-cooked.
I made a mistake.
I'll listen to you next time.
It's like you said, when we're in the kitchen, we're a team.
Well, that's very big of you, Skoose.
Maybe you're not quite ready to be a sous chef just yet, hmm? Still a few things you can learn from an old dog? Yes, Chef.
Ooh.
Skoose, you've, erm Skoose? No! Skoose! Skoose! Skoose! Skoose! - Hello.
- Hello.
I think you might have actually got away with it.
Celia certainly seemed happy enough.
Mind you, she had drunk enough caipirinhas to blind a wolf.
I've just spent the last 45 minutes putting her to bed in one of the rooms upstairs.
I had to take all her clothes off for her.
It was like unwrapping a mummy.
- Urgh.
- So did you speak to her friend? - Yep.
- And did you tell them your book idea? - Yep.
- And? - She loved it.
Thought it was brilliant.
- Well, that's good.
She might give you a book deal after all.
- Caroline, I'm not going to get a book deal.
- Hey, Mr Negative, never say never.
Celia said they're one of the biggest publishing companies in the world.
- They are.
Of maps.
What? Milton-Barnes are one of the world's biggest publishers in the world of maps and shipping charts.
So, if I ever discover a county, I know who to call.
Do you want a drink? Oh, no, I can't.
Robin is cooking me a late supper.
Right.
He's doing sushi.
Oh, so not actual cooking, then? Night, Caroline.
Good night, Roland.
Chapter 4 Bollocks.
Here comes Roland with his boring food! Classic.
All right if I park here? Oh, God.
This, Kiki, is my new Bible.
Is that Jesus? - Somebody kill me.
- I'll do it.
Got a new menu for tonight, going in a whole new direction.
What are you doing? Caramelising your onions? These rock-hard spikes, they're all right to eat, are they? Let's hope Robin doesn't hear about your reaction every time Shay's within ten yards.
Roland, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
- Hey, guys.
- Hi, Shay.
Oh, what do you know? Since there's nothing above There must be something below So take those pictures off the wall No-one will believe you till your world starts to fall down.