Whitney s01e01 Episode Script

She said, "I love you, boy, I love you so" Whitney: Okay! She said, "I love you, baby" oh, oh, oh, ohh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh Whitney: Okay.
You're an idiot.
She said, "I love you more than words can say" Alex: [ Gargling .]
She said, "I love you, babe" -Alex: [ Spits .]
- Eh, eh, eh, eh, babe Whitney: Really? What are you doing? Alex: Mnh.
Ohh.
Come on.
Whitney: What? What? What? What? Alex: Stop.
Come on, no.
Stop.
Ugh.
Stop it.
Here, give give me that.
Give me that.
-Whitney: No, no, don't, don't, don't, don't.
-Alex: Come here.
We're gonna be late for the ceremony! Whitney: When's the last time a wedding actually started on time? Alex: That's 'cause they're always waiting for you! Whitney: Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Yeah, I'm ready.
Okay.
Alex: Whit, you're gonna wear a hoodie to a wedding? What, were your overalls in the wash? Whitney: Okay, I almost froze to death at Nick and Rachel's wedding.
Alex: You mean the one that was in Mexico, where the groomsmen wore shorts? Whitney: How dare you? You know that I have bad circulation, and it got worse after I got laser hair removal for you.
Alex: All right, come on.
We really got to go.
Whitney: Okay, fine.
But I won this.
[ Clears throat .]
Okay.
What? Alex: Whit, you can't wear white to a wedding.
Whitney: Come on.
It's got a pattern.
Alex: Yeah, a white pattern.
Whitney: Ugh.
It's such a stupid rule.
What, does the bride think the groom's gonna get confused and marry me by accident? Getting married is so dumb.
Alex: Just 'cause your parents each got divorced three times doesn't mean that all marriages are bad.
Whitney: Half of all marriages end.
If half of all planes crashed, would you continue to fly? Alex: It's just so much faster than driving.
Whitney: [ Sighs .]
Zip me.
Alex: Is this new? Whitney: No.
I just hate it.
I feel like all we ever do is go to weddings.
I can't remember the last time I sat down to eat without a deejay telling me to get this party started.
Okay.
-Okay, phone? -Alex: Got it.
-Whitney: Keys? -Alex: Got 'em.
-Whitney: Purse? -Alex: I'm not that whipped.
Whitney: Wait, is that what you're wearing? "But I love you, boy, I love you so" -Lily: Hi! Hi! -Whitney: Hey! -Alex: Hey.
-Neal: Hey.
-Lily: Neal, get my purse? -Neal: Got it.
Whitney: Wow, again with the matching.
Lily: Oh, no, it was totally an accident this time.
Neal: Well, was it, or is it Both: That we love the same things? Alex: They've been together a year.
Let them have it.
-Lily: Babe, we got table 8.
-Whitney: Oh, good.
Neal: We met at a wedding, at table 8.
Lily: Yeah, and wound up in a motel 6.
Whitney: Oh, okay.
Roxanne: Hey.
Wow.
Okay.
-Hi.
Hey.
-Whitney: Hi.
Lily: Uh, Roxanne, you can't wear pants to a wedding.
Roxanne: Lil, get off my balls.
I pay alimony to an ex-husband who does spoken word for a living.
I could wear cargo pants.
-Lily: Yeah.
-Whitney: That's true.
Neal: Are they -- are they already serving drinks? Roxanne: Hmm? Oh, no.
I brought this.
[ Wagner's "bridal chorus" playing .]
Whitney: Nice dress.
Alex: You should have worn the hoodie.
Whitney: Yeah.
[ Sighs .]
Deejay: Let's get this party started! [ Rock music plays .]
Mark: Hola! Alex, Whitney.
-Whitney: Hey.
-Mark: Shalom.
Neal.
Lily.
Ouch.
Roxy.
Love the side boob.
Roxanne: That's armpit fat.
Mark: It all feels the same in the dark.
Alex: Mark, how are you ever late? -You have sirens on top of your car.
-Whitney: [ Laughs .]
Mark: Dude, I was down at the station doing a little recon.
Roxanne: Uh, you mean stalking the bridesmaids on Facebook.
Mark: Yes.
Two of them love "police academy," so someone's going on a ride-along tonight -On my face.
-Whitney: Okay, you know what? We know what you're saying.
Lily: She's gonna throw the bouquet! You guys, come on! -Whitney: Okay! Okay, here we go! -Roxanne: Yeah! Lily: Neal! Mark: Someone's getting a cavity search -- Alex: Hey, man, you actually don't have to do that, okay? -It's just me.
Relax.
-Mark: Okay.
Thanks.
Sarah: Excuse me.
Aren't you the guy who sold that big Internet company? Alex: Yeah.
Hi.
I'm Alex.
Have we met? Sarah: I'm Sarah! We met at Jeff's birthday party.
A bunch of people are doing shots, if you want to come.
Alex: Oh.
Yeah, you know, I-I have a girlfriend, so I can't really engage in any type of merriment.
Sarah: Yeah, you date that photographer girl who's really loud.
Alex: Whitney.
Whitney: Honey, do you have those pepto things? It's just that the scallops are getting chatty.
Sarah: Excuse me.
Whitney: Oh.
Sorry.
You're gonna -- taking off? Sarah: Yeah.
Lily: Got it.
That Ashley girl is a beast.
Mark: Yeah, she's currently under investigation.
Lily: Enjoy another year of eharmony, beyotch! [ Laughs .]
Boom! Mark: Dude, what were you doing out there? Neal: I set a pick.
Lily: Yeah, I just read in Cosmo that one of the keys to a healthy relationship is participating in your partner's passions.
Roxanne: Lil, Cosmo's for skanks.
Lily: No, no, it has interesting statistics, like couples with the most successful relationships have sex four or five times a week.
-Whitney: Five times a week?! -Lily: Yes.
Whitney: Who has time for that? Roxanne: Well, that is what happened in my marriage.
I mean, things got platonic.
We stopped having sex.
Well, stopped having sex.
He continued with other people.
Mark: It's not his fault.
He's a man.
Monogamy is not natural.
If the cavemen had been monogamous, there would be like six people.
Alex: Mark, you can't justify everything you do using cavemen.
Mark: Why not? The cavemen did it.
I'm just saying, once you're in a long-term relationship, you're not tapping that every night.
Lily: Oh, look, they're gonna do the cake.
Man: Some of the cupcakes are missing.
[ Crowd murmuring .]
Sarah: It was her.
Alex: Wow, you're on fire tonight.
What are you closing with blackface? Alex: Just got an e-mail from Mark.
Went home with the pregnant girl.
He said he wants to know if it counts as a threesome.
Aah! Your feet are freezing.
Whitney: Why aren't we having sex? Alex: 'Cause your hair's up and I ate pork.
Whitney: Okay.
I-I don't mean now.
I mean why aren't we having it more often? Wait, what do you mean, my hair is up? Alex: When your hair's up, you don't like to be touched.
Or talked to.
Whitney: When's the last time I wore my hair down? Alex: [ Inhales sharply .]
Uh, twoYears ago? Whitney: Okay.
Be serious.
It's just I don't think we're having sex enough.
I mean, why aren't we tapping this every night? Alex: Well, you can tap that whenever you want.
Whitney: This is serious, okay? This is a thing.
This happened to Roxanne.
This happened to my mother with all three of her husbands.
I don't want to end up like my mother.
She has seven parrots.
Alex: I thought she had seven therapists.
Whitney: Yeah, she has 14 things telling her she's pretty.
It's just Do you know what this Sunday is? Alex: Yeah, it's our five-year anniversary.
-Whitney: You knew that? -Alex: Yeah.
Whitney: We haven't even planned anything.
I mean, we did something good last year, right? Alex: Yeah, you took Tylenol pm In the a.
M.
Whitney: I mixed up the bottles.
And as I recall, you still had sex with me.
-Alex: It was our anniversary.
-Whitney: Okay, I just -- we're gonna do something awesome this year, okay? But for now, you just You just stay in that bed, all right, because a storm of sexy is gonnaCome your way.
So just [ inhales deeply .]
Just get your umbrella.
Okay.
That's not good.
That's -- what is that? This is -- what? That's not what I No, no, that's Alex: Whit, what happened in there? Whitney: The storm of sexy's probably coming through more like tomorrow-ish.
[ Camera shutter clicking .]
Whitney: Okay, okay, lil, careful with the cleavage.
Lily: What? If I'm gonna start a blog, I want to look good.
Whitney: Okay.
Okay! Okay.
You're a food critic, not a Kardashian.
Lily: Okay.
Okay.
Whitney: So, you and Neal never go like four or five days without having sex? Lily: Unh-unh.
I work very hard at keeping our sex life good.
-I do kegels every day.
-Whitney: Huh.
Lily: Doing them right now.
-Whitney: Hey.
-Lily: Hi.
Roxanne: Hi.
Hi.
Can't.
Wine? -Whitney: Oh, to your right.
-Roxanne: [ Clears throat .]
Whitney: The glasses are right behind you.
That's fine, too.
Roxanne: Being a single woman today is embarrassing.
That guy Chris I'm dating just told me I have bad chi.
Whitney: Your chi is a little rough.
Roxanne: Whatever.
You know what? I'm 33.
My chi is tired.
Lily: You know what makes you tired? Drinking at 2:30.
Roxanne: You guys have no idea what is going on out there, you know? -It is a war zone.
-Whitney: Hmm.
Roxanne: Guys get calf implants.
They have feelings.
I dated a guy who had a screen saver of a baby on his computer.
And it wasn't even his baby.
-Lily: That's sweet.
-Whitney: That's a pedophile.
Roxanne: Anyway, enough about me.
You left me a message I did not listen to.
What was it? Whitney: Um, well, I just -- our five-year anniversary is coming up, and I really want to do something good.
Roxanne: Mm.
Lily: What about color me mine? Roxanne: [ Gasps .]
What about oxycontin? Whitney: Is it possible that there's something in between? Woman: Uh, is there something I can help you with? Whitney: Yeah.
Wow, you lookCold.
Um, yeah, I'm interested in becoming a sex goddess.
Uh, I'll do pretty much anything except latex, feathers bird flu Oh, and no underwire.
It's like I'm leaning on a fence.
Woman: How about role-play? You dress up in sexy costumes and pretend to be other people.
Roxanne: Yeah, it is exactly like being with other people, except you're with the same freakin' person, and he's dressed like an idiot.
Lily: What about this cowboy costume? Woman: Oh, that's very popular.
And how about a toy gun? Lily: Yeah -- helps you get into character.
Whitney: Okay.
Okay, I'm not Daniel day-Lewis.
I just want to get laid.
Alex: Hi, hon.
Whitney: Hello, there.
Are you here to, uh, see the doctor? Alex: I don't know.
Am I? Whitney: Yes, you are Anniversary boy.
I'm gonna need you to Sign in.
Alex: Yeah, I'll sign in.
Whitney: Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, Mr.
Miller.
I'm gonna need your Insurance card.
Alex: Oh, uh Pow.
Whitney: [ Sighs .]
Come on.
Do it for real.
Alex: [ Sighs .]
I'm pretty sure that, uh, doctor, uh Whitney: Quinn.
-Alex: Medicine woman? -Whitney: -Hmm.
Alex: Well, I'm pretty sure that, uh, Dr.
Quinn, uh, has my info already.
Whitney: I doubt it.
I'm gonna need you to have a seat and fill out these forms.
Alex: Well Whit? Do I really need my employer's address? Whitney: Oh, I actually think we have that on file.
Let me go check.
But our file room is huge.
And sometimes I get lost in there.
So, if I'm not back in a minute, you might want to comeHelp.
Alex: I think I got that file you're looking for right here.
Ugh! Whitney: Mr.
Miller? The doctor will see you now.
Mr.
Miller? Oh.
Mr.
Miller, what happened? I guess I'm gonna need to give you mouth-to-mouth.
[ Chuckles .]
Alex? He's gonna be okay, right? Nurse: We'll take care of him, ma'am.
What's your relation to this man? -Whitney: He's my boyfriend.
-Nurse: I'm sorry.
You're not allowed back here unless you're a spouse or immediately family member.
Feel free to have a seat out here.
Whitney: Okay, we've been together for three years, so we're basically married.
Nurse: You're either married or you're not.
Whitney: Nurse to nurse? I got to get back there.
Nurse: Nurse to stripper, have a seat.
Lily: It's okay, whit.
It's a concussion, but the nurse said he'll be fine.
Whitney: He's not fine.
He's in there, and he's all alone.
Roxanne: Whit, as your friend, I should tell you something that's not easy for me to say.
You're still wearing that tiny hat.
Whitney: Ohh.
I mean, he doesn't have his special pillow.
Mark: If you want, I can go and get his special pillow.
Whitney: Oh, Mark, thank you.
It's in the bedroom.
It's squishy, and it's like this big.
Mark: Yeah, it is.
And might I find it in your underwear drawer? Neal: Okay, I'll go.
Lily: Yeah, and, uh, why don't you grab her some pants? Mark: Okay, but let's not forget, next time we're all together, to mock Alex for having a special pillow.
Whitney: Okay, Neal, thank you so much.
Candy: Oh.
Oh, you poor baby! -Whitney: Mom! -Candy: Oh! What happened? Whitney: Uh, he hit his head on the counter, and now he has a concussion.
Candy: Oh, you poor thing.
Is he gonna be all right, doctor? Neal: Oh, I'm actually not the doctor.
I'm Neal.
We've met three times.
Last time, you thought I was the valet.
Candy: Oh.
I could have used you five minutes ago.
-I'm blocking an ambulance.
-Whitney: Mom! Neal: I'm gonna go do my rounds.
Candy: Ah, well, you poor, poor thing.
Oh, all the single ladies.
Roxanne: Candy.
Candy: Is your father here? Whitney: Wow, 30 seconds.
That's a new record.
Candy: [ Scoffs .]
It's one thing for him not to show up for your college graduation.
Whitney: Okay.
Mom, you told him the wrong time.
Candy: Well, it's not his fault that he is so selfish that he doesn't show up and support you the way that I do.
-Whitney: Right.
-Candy: He's not a bad guy.
Whitney: Mm-hmm.
Candy: He's just a horrible person, and he owes me a check.
But this is not about that.
This is about you.
[ Sighs .]
Why aren't you back there with him? Whitney: Oh, they won't let me because we're not married.
-Candy: Aha.
-Whitney: It's stupid.
Candy: I told you, you should get married.
Whitney: No, you told me to marry him because if he cheats on me, I'll get half his stuff.
Candy: It's the law.
I'm just trying to help.
-So sue me.
-Whitney: Dad already did.
Candy: Yeah, well, he showed up for that.
You know what? Maybe you shouldn't marry Alex.
That way, you don't have to be stuck with him for the rest of your life.
Whitney: But I -- I do want to be stuck with him.
That's that's exactly what I want.
Candy: Now you're not making any sense.
Nurse: Miss cummings? You can come see Alex now.
Whitney: Oh, my God, I am so sorry.
That was such a stupid idea.
-Alex: No, it wasn't.
-Whitney: Yes, it was.
You were in here, and I was stuck out there, and that scary nurse wouldn't let me back, and [Sighs.]
I realized thatI want to be stuck with you for The rest of my life.
So [ Clears throat .]
AlexWill you marry me? -Alex: No.
-Whitney: Thank God.
[ Sighs .]
Good.
Alex: Look, Whitney, I know that, uh, marriage scares you, so we'll just wait until it doesn't anymore, all right? I love you so much that I'm not gonna marry you.
Whitney: [ Chuckles .]
I'm sorry.
I just I was worried that things were gonna fizzle or fade or I don't know.
I just I really want us to stay together.
Alex: I love you.
And I hate moving.
-Whitney: Oh.
-Alex: So This is the best part about being together for so long, is that, you know, you can wear hoodies and your hair up or down or I don't care.
And get off the floor.
What are you doing? Whitney: Oh.
Sorry.
[ Laughs .]
Excuse me.
Alex: You know that people -- people bleed out in here, right? Whitney: Okay, that's just -- seriously, are you okay? Alex: Well, yeah, uh, you know, I am, uh Feeling rather woozy.
Whitney: Oh.
WellMr.
Miller, I think I know the exact thing to inject.
Alex: [ Chuckles .]
Yeah? What might that be, nurse cummings? Whitney: Oh, you know, just 3cc ofVulinaMedicine.
-Alex: Vulina medicine? -Whitney: Uh-huh.
Alex: Was that one or two words? I don't know what that's about.
Whitney: That's one -- two -- it's -- it's -- -it's a medical term.
-Alex: [ Chuckles .]
Oh, okay.
-Whitney: I googled it.
-Alex: Right.
I think we're gonna have to keep you overnight for observation.
Alex: Do I have to be in here all alone? Whitney: Well, my shift ends soon, so we better hurry.
[ Button pops .]
Oh, be careful.
I just I have to return this tomorrow.
Alex: You rented it? No, I just I left the tags on.
Cause I'm only gonna wear it once.
- Wait - Oh, oh.
Nurse, nurses, where are nurses?