Who's the Boss? (1984) s01e01 Episode Script

- Sure you've got everything, honey? - I'm sure, Daddy.
Goodbyes are tough, huh? I thought I noticed a tear in a cockroach's eyes.
I still say you're making a big mistake, Tony.
How could you leave New York? The Triborough Bridge.
Look, Mrs.
Rossini, you've gotta admit this neighborhood's falling apart.
Look at Samantha.
When she starts coming home with black eyes it's time for me to get out.
Hey, that's because there were three of those guys, Dad.
And anyway, I got one guy sneezing out of his ear.
How you gonna support yourself, huh? Oh, hey, Mrs.
Rossini, I've got a great job at a great place.
It's all green with picket fences.
But you always said you loved New York.
Yeah, but I love my daughter a lot more.
Mrs.
Rossini, take care of yourself, okay? - You too, Tony.
- Bye-bye.
But I'm telling you, you're gonna miss the heartbeat of the city.
The excitement, the culture.
Hey, shut up down there! I'm trying to sleep! Go sit on your hard hat.
Is somebody getting that? No! Jonathan, will you please see who's at the door? All right, I'll see.
- Who is it, sweetheart? - Oh, just some guy.
Well, what does he want? How should I know? He was just standing out there.
You mean you didn't even ask? No.
You just said to see who's at the door.
You didn't say open it.
Jonathan, I'm warning you.
Joan Crawford is my idoI.
- Morning.
- May I help you? If you're Angela Bower, I'm here to help you.
- I beg your pardon? - I'm Tony Micelli.
Here about the job.
Oh, I'm sorry.
There must be a mistake.
This job is for a housekeeper.
That's me, Mr.
Goodmop.
Well, my mother's screening everyone.
Did you meet her? Yeah, yesterday.
She gave me the once-over kicked me in the tires, put me up on a rack.
She should have checked under your hood because you're the wrong sex.
She said that wouldn't be any problem.
My mother didn't think World War II was a problem.
Oh, that must be Jonathan.
Cute kid.
Yes, he is.
- You must be Jonathan.
- That's right.
How'd you know? Your grandmother told me.
You're king of the reptiles? - That's me! - Hey! I'm in a rush.
I've gotta get Jonathan to schooI and catch a train.
- Well, I could take him.
- No, no- Jonathan, I told you to take the snake out.
Not today, you didn't.
- Must you be so literaI? - Yes.
Jonathan, I don't know what to do with you.
Jonathan, why don't you hustle your little buddy upstairs? What's the big deaI? Well, the big deaI is it's a showdown between your snake and your mother.
Remember, the snake doesn't pay your allowance.
Good point.
Well, sorry, Wilbur, but money talks, and you don't.
Thank you.
Where were we? Oh, yes.
You were at the door, I was about to close it.
Wait.
Wait a minute.
I gave up my apartment.
Your mother said I had this job except for a small formality.
- What formality? - You saying yes.
No.
Can we talk? Well - Do you have any references? - No.
- Do you have any experience? - None.
How many jobs have you had as a housekeeper? One, if I get this.
Mr.
Micelli, here you are.
And right on time.
What a reliable person.
So how are things going with you two? In the direction of the door.
The door? Angela, what is the problem? The problem is, Mother, you sent me a man for a housekeeper.
Don't be sexist.
A man can do meaningless, unproductive work just as well as a woman.
Mother, mother, the housekeeper's room is very close to mine.
Oh, hey, don't worry about me.
I keep a can of mace by my bed.
He's got a sense of humour.
A regular Henny Youngman.
What a zany guy.
Nevertheless, it doesn't look or feeI right for a man to be living here alone.
But he's not alone.
- Didn't you tell her about Samantha? - You're married? Oh, no, no.
Sam's my daughter.
You're gonna love her.
She's in the truck.
I'll go get her.
No! No, wait! - Isn't he perfect? - No.
He loves children, Angela, and children love him.
I got that from the director of the Brooklyn Y.
See, my instincts tell me this is the man for my grandson and it doesn't hurt that he's a hunk.
Mother I'm not looking for a hunk for a housekeeper.
Why not? He'll do floors, he'll lift furniture.
Can I come over when he lifts? Mother, I don't know anything about this man.
Angela, I checked him out thoroughly and it's a story you won't believe.
- Oh, one of those.
- I got it from his parish priest.
See, he's an ex-jock, and he played in the major leagues for a while untiI he got hurt and then they dumped him.
Swine.
And it was just about that time that his young wife died.
Mother, don't do this to me.
They were childhood sweethearts, Angela and since that time, well, he's been working at odd jobs.
You know, a young widower trying to find himself and support his little girI.
You did it to me.
Angela, even the child psychologist said that Jonathan has to have a male role modeI.
And this Tony, is he male or is he male? I mean, we are talking mucho macho here.
Well, here she is.
This is Samantha.
Oh, she got that shiner stealing third in Little League.
Sam, I want you to meet some nice people.
- This is Mona Robinson.
- Nice to meet you.
And this is Angela Bower.
Oh, I'm very pleased to meet you, Miss Bower.
You have a lovely home, and you're so pretty.
Oh, thank you.
I'm very flattered.
That's the idea.
Oh, and this is the snakekeeper, Jonathan.
Jonathan, this is Sam.
- Hi.
- Hi.
They love each other already.
So shall we wrap this thing up? Gee, I don't know.
Angela, Albert Schweitzer is dead.
This is the next best thing.
Hey, look, all I can say is I really need the job and my daughter needs a good place to grow up.
And, I've got a feeling maybe you need us.
It's okay with me, Mom.
There you go.
There's the deciding vote.
I guess we could give it a try.
We got ourselves a new pad! All right.
- Hey, do I get my own room? - Yes, you can have the sewing room.
- I'm gonna get our stuff.
It's in the van.
- I think I'll just go watch him unload.
- Are you afraid of snakes? - Afraid? I had a boa constrictor when I was a kid.
He'd swallow live mice and once he ate a kid bigger than you.
- Are there any more questions? - Yes.
Is it too late to change my vote? Yes.
Yes.
Grant, thank you again.
It was a lovely evening.
You mean you're gonna send a starving man home? Wouldn't think of it.
I can't believe it.
Oh, sorry.
I can't believe it.
You spend $300 on dinner, and you still come away hungry.
I've had it with nouvelle cuisine.
The waiter had more food on his sleeve than I had on my plate.
- What about your cab driver? - Oh, let him get his own meaI.
He'll probably do better than we do.
Sit down.
I'll see what we have.
If I may say so, Ms.
Vice President you were absolutely charming with those clients tonight.
You may say so, Mr.
President.
Your media plan was only brilliant.
So was the way you pretended you'd seen it before.
- We make a great team.
- Yeah.
How about a green salad? This is potato salad.
It's true, but it is green.
Sorry.
Haven't shopped since the last housekeeper quit.
I'd settle for peanut butter and jelly.
Now, that I can handle.
I may not be great in the kitchen, but I make up for it in the boardroom.
I'm not bored.
The Connecticut klutz strikes again.
- Here, let me help.
- Sorry.
Don't touch it.
You'll cut yourself.
Here, let me get the dustpan.
This is good china.
I know.
I care enough to break the very best.
I have a wonderfuI idea.
We can't.
My son's upstairs.
I don't mean upstairs.
I mean upstate.
I've got a place.
We can go there this weekend.
This weekend? I don't know if my mother can take Jonathan this weekend.
I have a cabinet full of Wedgewood china.
We can break it all.
Wedgewood? Oh, Grant now you're really getting to me.
Hey, hey, hey! What's going on here? Tony, no, don't! He's my date! He's your date? I thought you were getting attacked.
What are you doing rolling around on the floor? We weren't rolling on the floor.
We were picking up a broken plate.
- Both of you? - It was a big plate.
Angela, who is this? Well, Grant, you're not gonna believe this but this is my new housekeeper.
Housekeeper? Angela, this is the ugliest woman I've ever seen.
- Hey, hey, hey, who is this bozo? - Tony, this " bozo" is my boss.
It's your boss? I thought they chased you around your desk, not your stove.
I don't find that very amusing and I don't have to explain my behaviour to a male Mary Poppins.
Mary Poppins? You're lucky I liked that movie, or I'd take care of you.
Grant, behave yourself! Don't tell me to behave myself.
Talk to Conan the Barbarian here.
- Now that movie I hated.
- Don't.
That's enough! - Tony, go to your room.
- Angela! - Go to your room.
- I don't wanna go.
- Grant, go to your cab.
- Angela! Grant, go to your cab.
- Tony, go to your room! - I'm going, I'm going.
Grant, I'm very sorry about this.
We'll talk about the weekend at the office tomorrow.
Look on the bright side, you just saved a fortune in cab fare.
Great, that makes two meters that got turned off early.
Bye, Grant.
I knew it.
I knew this wasn't going to work out.
Hey, no problem.
We just got our signals crossed.
I'll cross your signaI.
You have just intruded on a personaI moment with someone I like a lot.
From now on, if you feeI tempted to butt in, please butt out! Next time I see somebody crawling on you on the floor I'll know that's how you entertain friends.
I think we'd better continue this discussion in the morning.
Right now, I am so angry I could strangle you.
- Let's go to bed.
- Right.
Did you have a bad dream, sweetie? No, I didn't even get to sleep.
It's you.
I thought it was Jonathan.
Well, don't take this like an apology or anything but I guess I screwed up a little tonight.
Maybe a little.
- I hope I didn't cost you your job.
- No, I don't think so but you might have cost me a big promotion.
So that's why you're going out with that guy, for a promotion? You're jumping to conclusions again.
I am going out with him because he's great-looking, he's fun to be with, and he's a good dancer.
So he's got twinkle toes.
What's the promotion? Grant's moving up to chairman of the board and he's going to recommend a new president and I've got a good shot at it.
At least I did.
No problem.
You can be president someplace else.
- Just like that, huh? - Yeah, like that.
Go down to the president's hiring hall and hang around till something breaks.
You're a smart lady.
You can do it.
You don't need that stiff.
Tony, do you know how long I've worked for this? Ever since my husband left me Well, anyhow, it's just taken me a long time to get this far - and I'd really love to go all the way.
- Yeah, I know, I saw Nothing was going to happen here.
Why should it, when the man has a perfectly good house upstate? So that's where you're going with him.
Tony, I'm gonna say this very slowly.
My weekend has nothing to do with my promotion.
You'll never know unless you don't go.
Who are you anyway, Jiminy Cricket? I'm just trying to tell you, Angela, you can do this on your own.
- It's like Sinatra said.
- Sinatra? "Through it all, when there was doubt " I ate it up, and I spit it out.
" I faced them all, and I stood tall and I did it my way.
" We're talking about my life and you're giving me philosophy from the Sands hoteI? Could you just try to remember what I said? If I had a lobotomy I would remember that.
Good, because let me tell you one thing.
You'd never catch me doing something dumb like sleeping with my employer.
All right, egg fans, let's show those chickens they have not laid in vain.
- I'll have mine scrambled.
- All right, two scrambled working.
Do I hear fried, boiled, basted, or sunny-side up? Jonathan, how would you like your eggs? In the shell.
I hate eggs! I'll just have some Crunchy Crawlers and a cup of coffee.
Crunchy Crawlers and a cup of coffee? You wanna top it off with a shot of vodka? Let me see that.
Look at this.
It's all bleached flour and sugar.
You eat this, you'll be a walking pimple.
Out it goes.
Hey! I always have that for breakfast! Yeah, well, start eating eggs.
Share these scrambled.
Here you go, dear.
You're welcome.
And you.
Mangia.
Yuck.
Isn't there anything else? Yeah.
Hunger.
Now, eat those eggs, or the rest of those teeth are gonna fall out and they're not gonna come back.
Oh, look who's up.
The lady of the house.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Can I make you something for breakfast? No, just juice and coffee.
- You sure? - I'm sure.
Hey, what about her teeth? Jonathan! Since when did you start eating eggs? Since Tony threw away my Crunchy Crawlers.
He said it was either that or hunger.
You threatened my son? Yeah, I - It seems to be working.
- Every time.
How are you liking those eggs? I haven't thrown up yet.
Keep eating, champ.
Later, we'll shoot some hoops.
Excuse me.
So, did you think about it? Yes, just juice and coffee.
Not just "juice and coffee".
You know what I'm talking about.
Oh, that.
Yeah, so, I'm just going to let what happens happen.
Oh, hey, hey, oh If you just let what happens happen when what you wanted to happen happens you're not gonna know whether it happened or not.
- Just a minute- - No, no, no, wait a minute.
There are things that are no good for you, like Crunchy Crawlers - and guys who want to- - Now, just a minute.
If I want Crunchy Crawlers, then I will have Crunchy Crawlers.
Crunchy Crawlers are empty calories.
Not really satisfying.
In an hour, you're gonna want something else.
Maybe I'll want more Crunchy Crawlers.
I only got eight minutes to get you to the train.
Time really flies when you're bored, doesn't it? Let's hit the road.
Goodbye, darling.
The schooI bus will be here in a minute.
I love you.
What was that all about? Sex.
That's what I thought.
Grant leveI with me.
Does my promotion have anything to do with well, our weekend together? Hey, Jim Peterson's up for it too, and I didn't invite him.
Well, Grant, you know, I think we ought to put the weekend on hold untiI after the board makes its finaI decision.
Why? Because, to tell you the truth if I go away with you this weekend and then I get the presidency I'll never know if it was because I was good, or because I was good.
I'd know.
You can joke about it if you want to but I'd like to think that I faced them all, and I stood tall, and did it my way.
I don't believe I said that.
I don't either.
Are you moonlighting at a piano bar? - Hi, Tony.
- Hi.
What are you doing? This is called aerobic house cleaning.
You stay lean while you clean.
You're home early, aren't you? Grant decided to call a speciaI meeting of the Board of Directors to decide on the new president right away.
I waited around for a while, then I decided to come home when I started biting nails that belonged to other people.
I don't know why you're worried.
You'll get it.
Well, you never can be sure.
Tony, don't take this as a compliment but I kind of followed your advice and I'm not going away with him this weekend.
Yeah? That's terrific! All right! Well, that's easy for you to say.
If I'm gonna sweat it out, I'd better do it in a sweat suit.
That's a good idea.
Hey, we can shoot some hoops.
- You know: - Oh, great.
Hey, hey, look who's here.
Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer.
How was schooI, guys? You guys eat lunch together? - No, I played baseball.
- How about you, Jonathan? I was in the science lab having lunch with an alligator.
Oh, an alligator, huh? I like alligators.
You know, they always get a bum rap in those jungle movies, huh? I'm starved.
I need a shot of granola.
That's a good idea.
A round of granola for the house.
So, tell me all about schooI, honey.
How was it? It was great, Daddy.
And the playground's beautifuI.
It's so nice to sit on a bench without having to push a wino off.
I'm so glad you like it, sweetheart.
How you getting along with oI' Jonathan? - You mean Captain Cobra? - Yeah.
Okay, I guess.
- But I really like his mom.
- Yeah? Well, she's got it together.
I mean, well, most of it, anyway.
But, Dad, how can a woman make enough money to afford a great house like this? Well, I mean, she works hard and she's reaI smart.
Hey, you can do the same thing.
- I can? - Sure.
Then I think I'll be manager of the Mets.
Good choice.
I'll be so proud when you're kicking dirt on umpires.
Wanna shoot some hoops? - I'd love to.
- All right.
- I'll be right out, sweetheart.
- Okay.
Bower residence.
Tony here.
Oh, hi.
Rosie from the office? Oh, nice to meet you, Rosie.
She's changing clothes.
Can I take a message? Come on, Rosie, I won't tell.
She get it or not? Come on.
Give me a little hint.
Yah who? Oh, "yahoo"! Oh, now I get it.
She got it.
Oh, great.
Yeah.
I'll tell her that Mr.
Paxton's gonna call.
Okay, fine.
Yeah, Rosie.
Okay, bye- You sound nice too, Rosie.
Bye.
Hey, all right! Was that the phone? - Yeah, that was the phone.
- Oh.
- Who was it? - It was the the Arthur Murray dance studio.
You just won a free dance lesson.
Great.
Now all my problems are solved.
I'll be a Rockette.
You'll be a good one.
- Is there any coffee? - Sure.
Come on, follow me.
Grab yourself a cup.
Now, there's nothing to do but sit around and go crazy.
- You want some? - No.
- Let me ask you a question, huh? - Sure.
Let's say, you know, you don't get this job.
You going to be sorry you didn't fooI around with the boss? No, I'm glad I did what I did.
You sure? Yeah, I'm sure.
Why? Because you got it.
- That- That wasn't Arthur Murray? - That was Rosie.
- I got it? - Yeah.
- I got it! - You got it! - I got it! - I'm sorry.
That's great.
We've gotta celebrate.
What should we do? How about some hoops? Is that your answer for everything? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, mine is a hot bath and a cold glass of champagne.
Well, how about you, Jonathan? I have to feed Wilbur.
Let's go.
Sam, I think our work is really cut out for us.