Wizards (2020) s01e01 Episode Script

1
Meow.
-[indistinct chatter]
-[grunting]
-[clatters]
-[sighs, groans]
Huh? [stammers]
Sorry!
[exhales]
Blast it.
[yawns]
[Merlin] Hisirdoux!
-[yells, grunts]
-What have we talked about?
"Magic isn't a permissible shortcut
to hard work."
Carry on, and don't
-But, Master--
-"but, Master" me.
I'm just-- I know I'm capable
of more than just pushing a broom.
[grunting]
Teach me to be a proper sorcerer!
If there is a universal truth
in this world,
it is that struggle is the flame
which forges one's soul into steel.
Magic cannot be a crutch.
Ha-ha! [grunts]
To take the easy way out
is to merely exist, Hisirdoux.
So, why am I learning spells
if I'm not supposed to use them?
I wanna be a wizard like you!
With a staff and everything!
Staffs are for those
with mastery over magic,
and magic is mastery over life.
So first, you must learn how to live.
Master that lesson, and I vow
your days of pushing brooms will be over.
[sighs] Blast it.
[sighing]
[yawns]
"Magic isn't a permissible shortcut
to hard work."
-'Night, Doux! Thanks for cleaning up!
-Of course!
[cat yelps]
Right, time for the real work.
-You ready?
-[meows]
[purrs, meows]
[squelching]
[snarls]
-Ha-ha!
-[snarling]
[laughs] 'Tis my cleanest capture yet!
Ha-ha!
Aren't you a nasty little beast?
I figured an umber imp
was the reason for all those lost pets.
That is not an umber imp.
Do you notice the three mandibles?
How it's phasing in and out of existence?
That's a shadow mephit.
And you should know your monsterology
if you're going to use me as bait.
Either way, let's take a sec
to recognize that I've--
we've done some very good magic tonight.
-Douxie, old pal--
-No, no, no, revel in the victory.
We're unappreciated, Arch,
silent sentinels
keeping the world safe
from specters and demons and--
It's out of the trap, isn't it?
-[snarls]
-[screams, grunts]
[Archie] Your capture technique
is still weak,
and you could use
a couple more centuries of practice.
I will not be lectured
by someone who licks their own butt!
-[Archie] It's hygienic!
-No, no, not this one.
Yes! Yes, yes, yes!
Let's see you phase through this,
you little git!
[chuckles] Got you-- This totally worked
on that specterghast.
[Archie] Back in Babylon.
That was a fun night. Heads up!
No, it had five heads. [grunts] Arch!
Whoa!
Fuzz buckets! [grunting]
It's working!
I've-- I've almost [grunting]
worn him down! [screams]
Uh I've-- I've got it! I've got it!
I've
Also, unlike umber imps,
mephits are vulnerable to fire.
Saucy midge.
Your pet-munching days are over!
-Say "hi" to everyone in limbo for me.
-[squealing]
[pants]
You're welcome, Arcadia!
Strange. A lone shadow mephit
snacking on pets.
Where there's one, there's usually more.
[car alarm blaring]
[Merlin] Hisirdoux
Merlin?
Merlin? Yes!
Finally, Arch! Our moment has arrived!
Hisirdoux.
Master Merlin.
Hisirdoux, my faithful apprentice,
I need--
You're darn right I've been faithful!
I've been mopping for a millennium!
Why didn't you send a raven or a text?
There's texting now, you know.
-I was busy, as you know.
-Yeah?
Well, I've been quite busy, too,
protecting the material plane
while you weren't around.
-Hisirdoux, I need you--
-About time.
I've been practicing my incantations
and my spells--
Enough! Matters are most dire!
I need you to bring me
the Guardians of Arcadia, with haste!
Oh, it's our moment, all right,
as errand boys.
Man, the rest of this summer's
gonna eat farts.
Yeah, it is kind of hard to top
destroying an alien god.
Wingman did good. Proud.
But I lost my butt-stomping,
ninja-space-angel girlfriend
and my creepslaying partner
in the same afternoon.
Yeah, I felt like that after Jim and
Claire and everybody left on their quest--
Whoa, whoa, whoa, we're talking about
my problems here, buttsnack.
[Palchuk screams]
Cat! Yum.
Ooh, hey, little guy!
You lost?
Beware. You, you are in grave danger.
Whoa! A cat with glasses!
The cat just talked
and you're focused on its eyewear?
I've seen aliens, creeps,
and trolls, Domzalski.
So, yeah, I'd like to know
why the talking cat's wearing glasses.
Bad eyesight.
Not cat. Familiar.
"Familiar"? [chuckles] No way.
I'd remember if I met a cat with glasses.
No. Wizard assistant.
"Assistant"? That's very offensive.
I am a wizard associate,
thank you very much.
Now, come with me
or the worst will come to pass.
Hey! Are you threatening me, pussycat?
No, I'm warning you.
Put simply, the world as you know it
is about to end.
Meow.
[Toby] Wha
Aw, not again! [yelling]
[theme music playing]
Sorry, this is a lot to process!
Pets can talk?
The world is ending? Again?
Not the best timing, I know,
but we need your help all the same.
Douxie? Wai-- Hold up!
I thought you worked at the cafe
or were, like, a model or something.
[chuckles] There's a lot about me
you don't know.
-Whoa!
-What?
Come on, then.
The answers
to all your questions are within.
Yeah, right. In a bookstore?
[Toby] Ah! There's flying books.
Whoa!
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!
So cool! So cool! So cool!
-Ooh, what's that?
-[Merlin] Put that down!
Thank the ether you're here.
We haven't a moment to waste.
-[Toby laughing]
-Whoa! Crusty, creepy dude!
Though, I had hoped for more, Hisirdoux.
I tried. I couldn't find
the changelings or the aliens.
I'm pretty sure most left the planet.
Merlin, it's me-- Toby Domzalski!
You know, War Hammer, Guardian of Arcadia,
Geology Club president.
No one could forget you, chatty.
And Steve Palchuk, Creepslayer!
-I have no idea who you are.
-[Palchuk yelps]
[Merlin] But we're desperate.
Thankfully, we have the brute.
-Yum! [grunts]
-I'm not anybody's lunch. Got it?
Wait, where's Jimbo and Claire?
I thought they were with you.
Answers forthcoming.
Make preparations. We've a journey ahead.
-And don't
-But, Master--
"but, Master" me.
But are you sure you want
to count on these children?
-They're clearly not ready for this.
-[scoffs] Excuse me, college dude,
these children fought off
a 50-foot extraterrestrial! [screams]
Dude, let go of its head!
-[Palchuk] It's got my head, too, man!
-Just put it back!
-Master, I'm ready for this.
-Doubtful.
-I've spent years preparing, centuries--
-Silence!
[sighs]
I mean, silence, all of you.
Can you not hear that?
[rumbling]
[chimes clinking]
[creaking]
[cuckoo clock clucking]
Something wicked this way comes.
-[snarling]
-[Douxie gasps]
[Merlin] Shadow mephits?
-Hisirdoux, did you lead them here?
-No, no!
-I mean, I don't think so? [chuckles]
-Yes, we did.
[squealing]
He found us.
The barrier won't hold for long.
We must make egress!
Tobias, take my things!
[screams]
All of you, to the roof!
Hisirdoux, I said get to safety.
-I've got this. I can help.
-Ugh.
Still trying to earn that staff, are you?
Yeah. I've learned a thing or two
since we last met.
Use the Flux Rune Second.
-It's stronger.
-All right! I knew that!
-Douxie!
-Arch!
-[Archie] I'm fine. No need to worry.
-[grunts]
[squealing]
[chuckling]
Fire?
Yeah. Magic fire!
In a bookstore?
-But mephits are vulnerable to fire--
-Move it!
-[snarls]
-[grunts]
[Aaarrrgghh roars]
Stand back!
[Palchuk] Whoa!
Ship just got real!
-[Aaarrrgghh] Everyone on!
-[screaming, grunting]
-[snarling]
-[Aaarrrgghh growling]
[grunts]
-[Aaarrrgghh grunts]
-[Palchuk screams]
[all grunting]
[man] Boy
Look out! [grunts]
Awesome sauce!
-[Palchuk] Whoo!
-[Toby] Whoo!
This is so cool!
What the heck is that?
Welcome, young squires, to Camelot.
[Toby] Camelot?
As in ancient-old-people-times Camelot?
Excuse me, I have a question.
How is this castle flying right now?
[Merlin] The Heart of Avalon.
Its magic keeps Camelot aloft,
powered by time itself.
Sir Galahad, how look the skies?
All quiet, my old friend!
[Merlin] Keep your eyes on the horizon.
[Palchuk screaming]
I say, coming in a little hot,
don't you think?
Rubbish!
[Palchuk] Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
[Toby] Whoa!
It's been 900 years since I was last here.
Hasn't changed a bit.
-Except for the flying part.
-[chuckles]
"Nine hundred years"? Yeah, right.
You're like, what? Like, 19?
Give or take a few centuries.
[Palchuk] So, how many things
can your cat turn into?
[Douxie] That depends.
How many things are there?
[Toby] Uh, cool floating castle ship,
but what's the grave danger
you keep talking about?
Ah, there you are.
-Claire!
-Toby!
-Aarghaumont!
-Blinky!
-Not so tight.
-Oh, sorry.
Whoa, hey, Steve's here, too!
How 'bout-- how 'bout some love for Steve?
Oh. Hi, Steve.
What happened to you guys?
-Wait, where's Jim?
-[sighs]
Jim
What happened to him?
[Blinky] We were ambushed.
Some ancient, dark warrior.
An unstoppable knight clad in green
-[scream echoes]
-who struck down Master Jim.
Master, is that the same knight
we saw at the bookstore?
One and the same.
That onyx shard is working its way
towards his heart.
I placed the boy in stasis,
stalling its progress for now.
If I had my Shadow Staff,
I could've saved him.
Who is this Green Knight?
How do I get my hands on him?
I do not know.
The Green Knight said but one name,
which chilled me to the bone.
[Green Knight] Morgana
Oh, I hate that lady.
Wait, I thought we kicked her butt
to the Shadow Realm.
Which he appeared not to know,
but he bore the emblem of Camelot.
Come with me, quickly.
I fear the answer lies in the past.
A dark menace is coming,
one even I cannot face alone.
You are all now soldiers
in a war started centuries ago
for the world of magic.
Once, the realms of Magic and Man
clashed in endless bloodshed.
King Arthur sought to wipe out magic
that ravaged the lands
in his war against Gunmar.
I brought what few spellcasters
I could under my protection
to spare them from the sword
Including myself.
Oh, and Morgana le Fay.
She was the finest student
I ever taught
until she tried to kill me.
Thankfully, in my all-seeing wisdom,
I created a secret weapon--
the Trollhunter amulet.
The war came to a standstill
and I imprisoned Morgana
at the Battle of Killahead Bridge.
-[thunder rumbling]
-Hmm.
[Merlin] This Green Knight
that assailed us
-was clearly born of dark magicks
-[gasps]
but I have no memory of him
nor what connection
he could have to Morgana.
We know not what he is
nor why he pursues us.
Though, his presence is a dire omen
of things to come.
-[bell ringing]
-[all gasp]
[all grunt]
[grunting]
[grunting]
-What's happening?
-Have you never been under attack before?
To the battlements!
[Palchuk grunts]
Yeah! Battlements, totally!
What is a battlement?
[automated voice] I'm sorry,
I couldn't find "bagel mints."
Battlements!
-[Blinky gasps]
-[Claire gasps]
-What the?
-[Archie] Oh, no!
I think we have something of a problem.
[Douxie] Oh, fuzz buckets.
[Merlin] No the Arcane Order
they found us.
Everyone, get to safety, now!
Fulgur praeca!
[grunts] My staff!
I've got it!
-[grunts]
-I lost it!
[snarling]
-[grunts]
-Man the cannons!
We must flee!
[Douxie] I'm on it! [grunts]
I've got it, I've got it, I've got it.
-[grunts]
-[all grunting]
They're boarding us!
We must break free!
-Steer us clear at my command!
-[Douxie] I'm on it!
[Palchuk scream, whimpers]
All of a sudden,
flying castles aren't so cool!
[Blinky screams]
Master Jim!
[panting, grunting]
-[screams]
-Blinky!
[screaming]
[Aaarrrgghh growls]
-Have you found the staff?
-[Archie] I'm on it!
[grunts] Got you, Jim!
[grunts]
These foes' powers are beyond us!
-[Nari] Merlin!
-No! Nari!
-[grunts]
-This is all my fault.
I will take us to the past,
but you must help me.
I will do what I can.
[screeching]
[Claire] We've got to protect Jim!
I'm not losing him again!
-Feel the wrath of the hammer!
-[Claire yelling]
[Palchuk] Die, creeper!
Where's the staff? Where's the staff?
Archie, find the staff
or we are all dead meat!
[Archie] What do you people
think I'm doing?
[grunts]
Archie, I'm running out of time, here!
[Archie] Got it!
-[Toby grunts]
-[grunts]
Surrender, Merlin. [chuckles]
-Never.
-[Galahad] Merlin!
Merlin!
Get everyone to safety!
-[yells]
-No, Galahad! What are you doing?!
Farewell, my old friend.
Hisirdoux, now!
Please don't blow us up.
Please don't blow us up.
We don't have enough power for the jump!
[Douxie] Trust in Merlin!
[grunts]
Hold together. Come on!
[grunts] We have to steer Camelot
through the time rift!
[gasps]
[Green Knight] It ends
now!
Oh, sod it all.
-[explosion]
-[grunting]
Jimbo!
[grunting]
[screaming]
[Claire] Jim!
Jim!
-What do we do, man?
-Trust me!
Wait! No, no, no! [screams]
Flying castles suck!
[explosions]
-[Palchuk screams]
-[Archie] Douxie!
Oh, no!
Curses, Hisirdoux, you were
supposed to steer us to safety!
Tenebris exilium!
Must I always do everything myself?
[panting]
Wh-- Where's the Trollhunter?
They fell right through the portal.
-Where did they go?
-Great Gronka Morka
I fear it's not a question of where,
but rather when.
[all screaming]
[grunting]
Oh, come on! Come on!
This is gonna hurt!
[Palchuk screams] It does hurt!
[Douxie screams, grunts]
-[Palchuk grunts]
-[grunts]
-[Palchuk] Oh, God
-[Douxie groans, grunts]
[Palchuk gasping, screaming]
I can't see! I'm blind!
Oh, I can see.
-Ah! [whimpering]
-[cracking]
[Palchuk] What just happened?
Well, I just conjured
an anti-gravity spell
to slow our fall and keep us from dying.
You're welcome.
Douxie, where is the flying castle?
Oh, fuzz buckets!
Well, it would appear we've had ourselves
a temporal accident.
-Which means?
-[Palchuk whimpers]
-[gasps]
-[man1] Advance!
[man 2] Got them.
[all gasping]
-[Palchuk screams]
-It means
we are lost in time.
[man 3] What manner of sorcery is this?
Oh-- Oh, my
[screams]
[instrumental music playing]