Yoh! Christmas (2023) s01e01 Episode Script

1
["Makeba" by Jain plays]
[woman] This is me.
Thando.
It means "love," but clearly the universe
didn't get the message.
Thando, age 30,
single,
alone.
These guys? Not mine.
They belong to my baby brother
and his wife.
I don't have children or a man.
A fact my mother likes to remind me of
every chance she can get.
Not that I need to be reminded
when I'm sitting
at the kiddies' table at 30!
'Cause trust me, if it's not my family,
it's the rest of the world telling me
that I'm running out of time.
It never ends.
Me still listening
to my very fertile baby brother
announcing that they're pregnant.
Again.
Twins.
Again?!
And here it comes,
the look.
The look that says,
"She's going to die alone."
"Ugh. Shame."
You know, I know the one thing
that could stop this,
but I'm not going to say it.
I'm not going to allow
my own mouth to betray me.
- Don't say it. Don't say it!
- [song stops]
I have a boyfriend, everyone.
[baby wails]
[Thando] Shit.
Why I have just lied
to the very people I love?
Let's start at the beginning.
["Makeba" by Jain continues playing]
Ooh-ee, Makeba ♪
Makeba, ma que bella ♪
Can I get a "ooh-ee"? Makeba ♪
Makes my body dance for you ♪
Ooh-ee, Makeba ♪
Makeba, ma que bella ♪
Hi, guys. I saw that everyone
was doing one of these.
So I thought, "Why not show the world
exactly why I do not date?"
I've been on 27 dates in my entire life,
19 of which were over
before they even started.
Three got to the first date,
but yeah, I was out.
In one case, a guy told me
that he lived in a gated community.
Yeah, just didn't mention
that the gated community
was a prison. Yeah.
Moving on to what I do want in a man.
Just a few things.
You guys can pause, screenshot,
if you want to see.
- [tablet chimes]
- Yeah, there we go.
[softly] Okay, yeah.
- Um
- [tablet chimes]
That That
That wasn't supposed to be, um
wasn't supposed to be there.
[chuckles fondly]
[scoffs]
[Thando on phone] you guys can pause,
screenshot if you want to see.
Yeah, there we go.
- Baby girl.
- [Thando] Charles.
Don't tell me that thing's
still in your drafts.
I think I look cute, a little, at least.
You know?
- Sifiso, really?
- What now? What are you doing?
You have a picture of the guy who broke
your heart and you're going to post it?
What did we say, hmm?
We said we're not going to mention
his name anymore, right?
- So?
- Okay.
And I'm still trying to edit that thing,
but it's not working.
- Ah, ah, ah. Thando.
- What?
There's no way. Three pages?
Dude!
Charles, please.
Don't delete it.
Look, I I want to keep it just in case,
I don't know,
I think that I'm ready to date
and I need to remind myself
why I'm single.
Okay, so you made a list of three pages.
Yeah, I'm still busy, actually.
If you check there, you'll see.
Wow. Okay.
So this guy's supposed to know
the words to the Brown Sugar soundtrack?
Yeah. You do.
- Yeah, but that is our movie.
- So?
Come on, man.
- What?
- They "must have gone to therapy."
Look, this list is the reason
you've been single for three years
after your ex-boyfriend.
What? A-After what? What?
- Sorry.
- Huh?
- Mm-hmm. [clicks tongue]
- Yeah.
The reason why I've been single is because
I don't wanna settle ever again.
- It's
- Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- There's no one perfect in the world.
- Exactly.
- You know that?
- Yeah.
- Except me, of course.
- Except you? [laughs]
Bro, I have lived with you
for three years,
and you are the furthest thing
from perfect. Okay?
Shame. Your cocktails
aren't too bad, I guess.
- But I'm
- Come on. There's no cock in that tail.
This one is called Dry Season.
[in nasally voice] Wow, so original.
- [chuckles]
- Whatever.
[in normal voice] Hmm, it's not bad.
Right?
- You know what you should call this?
- Mm-hmm?
You should call it The Blueprint to Love.
Because that is exactly
what I have over here.
And if I wanted to date,
which I don't, I'd have that.
Okay, please do me a favor, yeah?
Don't post it on TikTok.
'Cause honestly, it's too sad
for human consumption.
Um, I'm taking your bike now, hey?
And don't wait up for me.
- I'm gonna be late.
- No, you won't, loser.
What? Whatever, loser.
[breezy music plays]
[man] Hey, check it out, check it out!
Christmas goodies for sale! Hmm?
No? No?
Ah, you look broke anyway.
Ooh! Hey!
That bike you're riding is too small!
You need to ride my bike. [giggles]
[laughs]
[man whistles]
[Santa actor] One, two, three! Ho, ho, ho!
- [woman] Oh, sorry.
- [Thando] It's okay.
[sighs]
- [Santa actor] Ho, ho, ho! There you go.
- That's so pretty.
Hi there, miss.
Goodness, they're so cute.
- I know, right?
- I love Christmas so much.
Yeah, and they're selling out fast.
So what's your size, ma'am?
Um, please give me a medium.
Medium. Uh [chuckles politely]
And for hubby, large? Extra-large, maybe?
- No, no, no. Just medium for me.
- [chuckles]
- Thank you.
- Oh, no, no, sweetheart.
Unfortunately,
we don't sell it as singles.
They're only sold as a set, yeah.
We don't cater for singles.
Miss, you could just give me one
and then keep another one
for someone who just wants one.
No. No, no, no, never single.
Never.
- Ever?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, um
- Okay.
[clerk] Okay
[chuckles]
"Medium."
[funky music plays]
[man] Looks like the doctor
got Wacky Wednesday.
Ha! What's for lunch today?
I'm not, um Burgers.
- Oh, so one is for your husband, huh?
- Ah No. They're They're both mine.
Oh! So you're pregnant. You have a bundle.
What?
Or you want one?
Uh, I'll Uh
Ah, but wait, Doctor!
I'm actually a physio. Yeah.
I actually have an injury.
Please check it out.
You can go to the hospital.
- Yeah.
- Ha, ha! Doctor!
Ah. Hey, miss!
[laughs]
Can we have a chat? Three minutes!
[mellow jazzy music plays]
[Santa actor laughs]
[clerk] Unfortunately,
we don't sell it as singles.
They're only sold as a set, yeah.
[musical arrangement turns upbeat]
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
- Miss.
- [clerk] Mm-hmm?
Can I please get a medium
and an extra-large?
Oh.
Okay.
[sighs] Girl, Lulu is back in Ward Seven.
[groans] And I've never seen her
this stressed.
- You know?
- Oh, damn.
You know, I really thought that she'd
be back home for Christmas this year.
[moans]
Okay. Yeah, sure. Help yourself.
Oh, no, girlfriend.
After last night, I need this.
- Last night?
- Mmm.
- Tinder hook-up.
- [chuckles]
I'm still wearing
the same panties this morning.
- Gross.
- [chuckles]
- What?
- Gross.
Friend!
Ah, girlfriend,
it's the walk of shame over here.
Oh! Of course,
you wouldn't remember that, because
Why is it that everyone is commenting
on me being single today? Why?
Girl, everyone can see in your eyes
that you are in desperate need of action.
I don't need action.
- Friend
- So shut up.
you need a large dose of vitamin D.
It's obvious! Or are you happy
with your life being this boring?
Girl, my life is perfect.
I I do whatever I want,
I don't have to answer to anyone.
I'm a free woman!
- Like
- [groans]
- What now? Are you crying?
- [winces]
Girl [exclaims]
Like, your loneliness,
friend, it hurts me.
- [laughs]
- [winces] Like, it's heart-wrenching.
I'm not lonely, though! Like, I'm fine.
I have Charles, I'm good.
Oh! So you two are hooking up.
I knew that this whole
"just friends" thing was a lie.
Really now. What I'm saying
is that I'm not alone, 'kay?
You know what, girl?
At this point, you are heading
straight to Catsville.
[chuckles]
Darling, as Black girls,
we can't afford to have cats.
- You know what I'm saying?
- Really?
People will think we are cursed.
Yeah, my mum already thinks that.
Also, like, men suck.
And our dating pool
is like a teaspoon at this rate.
Well, this is why I prefer
my men not to do any talking.
Then what do you get out of it?
Oral, mostly.
- [clears throat]
- [chuckles softly]
And then, if he's got potential,
then we'll show him the full house.
Okay, look.
I'm not gonna drop my standards.
Nope. Don't have standards.
It makes having sex and dating
so much easier.
- [laughs] Enjoy.
- Always, baby. Always.
Hey, old man.
No!
- And here's my saving grace.
- [Thando] You couldn't stay away, huh?
[woman] Tell him I don't want this oxygen.
She says she doesn't want the oxygen.
I got that. But, Lolly,
from your records, I can see
"Lolly"? I'm going to die
in here this time.
He can't even get my name right.
Is there a reason
she isn't talking to me directly?
Is there a reason
you're not speaking to him directly?
Because I don't like new doctors.
- Because she doesn't
- I get it.
Look, what I'm hearing you say
is that you don't want oxygen.
What I'm hoping you're hearing me say
is that the next course of action
You sound like one
of those automated calls you get
when they're trying to sell you insurance.
Um, Doctor, can I have a chat with you
for a second outside?
- Yes. Yes, yes.
- [Thando] Yes? Yeah.
[scoffs incredulously]
Thank you. Um
Doctor, I know I'm just a physio,
but I've seen Lulu for years,
and she really understands her body.
And I'm new here,
so I have to follow protocol.
If I get it wrong, I could Oh, wait.
We could have her on a lower dose of O2.
Yeah. Mmm, sorry.
Uh, we can wait for the bloods,
and then we're both covered.
Yeah, and, um,
while we're waiting for the bloods,
I'll just keep her moving and just clear
all that crap out of her lungs.
[funky music plays]
- Good, yes!
- Yeah.
Hey! You tell him about Hurricane Mel yet?
Who's Hurricane Mel?
[chuckles] Uh, Melanie.
She's our hospital manager.
And, uh, no,
because he's just been Lulu'ed.
- Ooh!
- Uh-huh. Yeah.
So I thought I'd just ease him in slowly.
[Jo] Yeah.
I'm gonna go and check the
- Get the blood test results downstairs.
- [Jo] Yeah.
[Thando] Okay.
[both laugh]
- Not you making him blush?
- I mean, it is my thing.
- Really?
- But hey.
He is kinda cute in a, "Totally out
of his depth new doctor" kinda way.
[Thando] Hmm.
- [Jo] Mm-hmm.
- [Thando laughs]
[Lulu] He's got a terrible bedside manner!
Let's hope his in-bed manner is better.
[chuckles]
- You're completely nuts, you know that?
- All the best people are.
You were speechless when you came in here.
- Come on.
- Ugh, no wonder you're still alone.
You can't see
what's right in front of you.
You could tap that.
[chuckles] "Tap that"? Okay, Miss Thing.
- Mmm, I've been watching Insta stories.
- Is it?
- Hmm.
- The only thing I'm tapping is your back.
- Okay?
- [Lulu grunts]
And also, he's probably
as interested as I am,
which is not at all.
- [groans]
- Turn. [chuckles]
[grunts]
[intriguing music plays]
[Lulu coughs]
[phone chimes]
[Jo] Hey, Riri,
that's just an easy way to get dick pics.
Yo, girlfriend!
Technology is so satisfying.
It gives you such easy access
to dick pics. There
[Melanie] Okay, thank you
for coming, everybody.
Sorry to interrupt
your scintillating conversation, Riri,
but some of us are actually, uh, busy.
I will make this quick.
That's what he said.
- [Jo chuckles]
- Come again?
- That's what I said.
- Ah.
[Thando chuckles]
Okay, we all know why we're actually here.
I need some brave volunteers
to work on Christmas Eve.
[intriguing jazz music plays]
- [Riri] Mm-hmm.
- [woman coughs]
[man clears throat]
Okay, let's make this easy.
Who already has plans
with their partners and kids?
- Um, can you please not schedule me?
- [Melanie] Okay.
Uh-huh.
- Friend?
- [Riri] Uh-huh?
- Do you have plans?
- [Riri mouthing]
Uh, Thando, I take it
you'll be available as usual?
Can I schedule a double?
Yeah. Sure.
Ah, you know, without you single people,
I do not know
how I'd keep this place running.
You know, while everyone's at home
with their families
and opening presents with their kids,
at least I know my patients
are being well taken care of
by the people who are 100% alone.
- Right, everybody, let's get back to work.
- [Riri] Wow.
- Chop, chop.
- Thanks, Mel.
- [laughs]
- [Thando] What?
You're savage!
Girl, you could have just lied
like I did, hey?
Yeah. I actually like working
on Christmas.
- Okay?
- [Riri] Sure.
Here.
Looks like it's you and me.
- Over Christmas Eve, I mean.
- Yeah.
The new guy and all.
[light-hearted music plays]
You cook.
I mean, that's not an order.
A A question.
'Cause I do.
I I can cook.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
[chuckles]
Maybe I can, um, co cook you
cook you something for Christmas Eve?
Yeah, sure.
Why not? Okay.
[chuckles]
[gentle groovy house music plays]
- Sorry I'm late.
- Hi! Little ones are sleeping.
[softly] I'm sorry I'm late.
- What up?
- What up, sis? How are you?
- I'm joking.
- Okay, easy, easy, easy.
- Bro. You good?
- Uh-huh.
- [sister] We're used to you being late.
- No ways. You sound like Mum.
- Relax, all right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- What is that?
- A little something that your man made up.
- They're double-shot.
- Mm-hmm.
- 'Cause of the twist. Nice.
- [clicks tongue]
But I'm driving,
so don't worry about that.
That's fine. I'm just glad
I get to get a ride with you guys.
There's a million roadblocks during
festive, so there's no point in bribing.
Go ahead, just take my shot.
- What's this?
- Mmm. Oh, those are the advent calendars.
I bought them because of Dad
and his, you know, ice cream van.
Have you guys seen it though?
It's got potential.
Yeah, potential for Mum to divorce him.
Please, man!
They're the ultimate love story.
There's no such thing. Where's Vusi?
- My amazing husband?
- Mmm.
You know, he's finally realized
that leaving me alone with the kids
is his biggest mistake.
So he's helping with the load.
- [chuckles]
- [scoffs]
- They're behind the counter with Charles.
- [laughs]
- [Charles] Hey!
- Hi, Auntie Thando!
- Hi, Auntie Thando!
- Hi.
- You see we're busy here, working.
- Ah, you're busy? Ah, please.
- [Charles] Let's go, let's go.
- Don't be a bad influence.
[Charles chuckles]
- [brother] Love you.
- What?
- You forget something?
- [Thando] Wait, wait.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
It's Sifiso!
[sister-in-law] That's Sifiso. Yep.
- Where you going? It's Sifiso.
- [Thando] Oh my God.
[sister] Sifiso?
- [brother] Oh! Oh my God! [laughs]
- [Sifiso] Boy! Ooh!
- My boy!
- [brother] How are you, bro?
- Look at you, young forever!
- [Sifiso] Come here, boy!
- [brother] Come on!
- Me? What about you, man?
- [brother] Of course, of course. Yeah.
- Heya, Minnie, Mikayla. Hey, guys.
- If it isn't the Ghost of Christmas Past.
- [Mikayla] Hmm.
Um, I'm just popping in
to get a a takeaway.
The missus saw this place on the 'gram
so she had to have something from here.
Having a new baby,
it's been a whole new level of crazy.
So I'm just making sure she's fed.
The new baby?
Yeah! Now I know what love really is.
And what tired really is.
- [Mikayla] You look tired.
- [sighs]
- Pale, even.
- It never ends, bro.
Two of them, though?
- You know how I do, boy!
- Yeah, boy!
- Two-for-one special, son.
- Yes, sir!
- I did that! It's amazing.
- [Sifiso] That's amazing.
It's just like I was waiting my whole life
to look into those two little eyes
of my baby boy.
- [brother] Oh yeah?
- Little Tau.
- [Minnie] Little Tau?
- [Sifiso] Yeah.
- [Minnie] Thanda's always liked that name.
- She has.
- It's a beautiful name.
- She really has.
- [Sifiso] So, how is she?
- [Mikayla] Thando?
- Oh, she is so good.
- [Sifiso] Oh!
[Mikayla] She's so busy
and she's lost so much weight.
- She's so skinny and strong. Very strong.
- Yep!
- And she's in love.
- She's in love.
- With a doctor.
- Yeah, she's dating. Doctor.
- What?
- Who's also a model.
- [Minnie] Yeah, a doctor who's a model.
- [brother] Model?
[Mikayla] Isn't he a, um
- [Minnie] Royalty! From, um, Ghana.
- [Mikayla] Royalty, yeah.
Ghana, prince.
In fact, she's going
to be a princess soon.
- Get the dash over there.
- Ghanaian prince who's a doctor?
- Wow, amazing!
- Absolutely.
[Mikayla] Can you believe it?
Shocking. Doctor-model.
Oh, Charles!
Who is this Ghanaian prince
you're talking about?
Sure, man. I didn't know you worked here.
- Oh, well, I do.
- Oh, okay. Of course.
Thank you.
And of course, for the working man.
- Here you go.
- Nah, thanks. I'm good, bro.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, sure.
- Great, man, thanks.
- Yeah.
- This is fab. Uh, good to see you guys.
- [women say goodbye]
Beautiful. Um, hopefully,
we can do something.
- [brother] You leaving?
- Um, yeah. Gotta get back to the missus.
- [brother] Yeah. I'll see you soon?
- [Sifiso] Yeah, of course.
[brother] Put together
a nice little playdate for the kids.
- [Sifiso] It's gonna be crazy!
- [brother laughs]
If you guys could just say hi to
- Yeah, absolutely.
- Yeah. Bye.
- Thando, yeah?
- Bye, bye, bye.
Bye, Sfis!
- "Sfis"?
- We're not having a playdate with his kid.
- What do you mean? The kids need friends.
- No.
- [brother] Yes!
- [Mikayla] What kind of playdate?
[Minnie] Cool guy? He's not your friend.
- [Mikayla] No, our kids have friends.
- [Minnie] He named his child Tau!
[whispers] I didn't add any sauce.
[Mikayla and Minnie continue]
["Seasons" by Loyiso plays]
It's all I have ♪
I'm more than enough ♪
To love myself ♪
It's been hard to accept ♪
Mum.
[Minnie] The audacity
to name his child Tau!
When that's the name he knows
she wanted to give to their first-born!
Know he's a snake, man!
- [Mikayla] Did you see her face though?
- [Minnie] No. But I heard her heart break.
[Mikayla] What actually happened
between them?
[Minnie] Well
- [Mum] Thando!
- [gasps]
Mum, are we having dinner inside?
Thando, you ask me
the same question every year.
We are preparing here for Christmas Eve.
- My baby, come on.
- Mm-hmm. Okay.
[jovial percussive music plays]
What? Who died?
No, girls. Come, come, come, come.
People are hungry.
Lungile, you are busy
snacking on the carrots.
[Mikayla] All right, let's go.
[Sam sighs]
- [Thando] Dad?
- Yes, my baby?
- Scale of one to ten
- Uh-huh?
how mad is she?
Uh, about stage eight.
- [chuckles]
- Ah, she'll come around.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
That's a blackout, isn't it, Dad?
Uh, your mother doesn't see the vision.
- Oh, wow. I see what you did there.
- [laughs]
[both laugh]
[Sam sighs]
But Dad, do you think that this
is the best use of your resources?
I do! Ah, living the dream.
I mean, who doesn't love ice cream, huh?
[Thando] Okay.
You'll see in a few weeks' time,
it'll be great!
- It'll be
- Yep!
[both laugh]
- You won't recognize it!
- Okay.
- [laughs]
- [Nellie] Oh, my goodness. Sam!
Get these things off me!
- Mum, come on.
- Oh, my goodness.
Your father thinks we live
in Bryanston. Really! Lungile?
- [Lungile] I'm so sorry, Mum.
- [Nellie] Remove these things.
[Mikayla] Let me get it, give it.
Thank you, thank you. I got it.
[Lungile] Mum,
Dad's gonna like the lights.
- Come on, let's go.
- [Nellie] Did you ask him how he feels?
'Cause if I ask him,
it's going to be an issue.
- Wow, Mum.
- You watch.
Sam, please come help me here.
[Sam] Uh-uh, uh-uh.
I'm going to listen to the band.
[Nellie] Thought so.
The whole country's having loadshedding,
all your dad can think of is the band.
[donkey brays]
[brass band plays "Deck The Halls"]
They sound terrible.
Yeah, but you know,
it's Luntu, the bandmaster.
His wife left him.
She left him for a rich Swiss tourist
there by Wandies.
She just left him, shame.
No, Mum.
They've been married for a long time.
Who's willing to go to Wandies with me
so I can get a very rich Swiss tourist?
- Mom!
- [Sam] Let's go. Let's go.
Hey, my baby, I'll romance you.
And trust me, you'll get a hangover
like the first time I met you.
[all laugh and cheer]
[Sam exclaims]
[Vusi] Yes, that's what I'm saying.
[Minnie and children exclaim and laugh]
[Lungile] Yeah, go girl!
[Nellie] Guys, that's enough.
Come, guys, it's time to eat.
- Come, come, come, come, come.
- Uh, guys.
- [Nellie] Come eat.
- [Lungile] Let's go eat.
Vusi, we're eating.
[Nellie] Minnie, dish up for your husband.
He works very hard.
[band continues playing]
[all laugh]
[Minnie laughs] My brother!
This meat tastes so good.
That was a nice one.
[Nellie] Finish your chocolate, please.
Thank you, Dad.
Uh, knock, knock, knock.
Christmas Eve, everyone's coming, right?
[Minnie] Yes, Mum. We're all coming.
Uh, Mum, I'm really sorry but I'm working.
I thought you did the easy medical degree
so you wouldn't have
to deal with such things.
What's changed now?
[Sam] Oh, come on, Nellie.
Thando is giving up so much
to help other people.
Look, we can just be proud.
I just want my whole family.
Everyone here to be together.
You'll know
what I'm talking about one day,
when you have your own family.
Yeah, yeah, here we go again.
Eh, I'm not saying she's alone.
You know I just want
to have grandchildren.
- [Minnie] Hey, Mum!
- [Thando] Mum.
More grandchildren.
My heart broke when Sifiso called me
to show me his baby.
- [Lungile] Oh, come on.
- I'm not. My heart was torn to pieces.
Mum? You still speak to him?
[Nellie] We can't talk to him
just because you guys broke up?
I've always liked Sifiso.
Show her. This is Tau.
His baby. How cute!
- [Nellie] This should have been your baby.
- [Lungile] Aw, baby. Cute baby, isn't he?
- [chuckles] There you go, Thando.
- I don't Put it away.
- Thando, look.
- Take it!
Lungile, wrap it up. Thanks.
Yeah, right. Uh [clears throat]
- We have an announcement to make.
- We do.
Dad, Mum, you guys are gonna be
grandparents once again.
- What?
- What do you mean?
Mikayla and I are pregnant.
[all exclaim happily]
[driving amapiano music plays]
Looks like we're gonna need
a bigger table next year,
'cause it's twins!
Twins! Four pipe!
Yes!
[Minnie] You are very fertile, ah!
- No ways.
- Four.
Maybe next year, Thando will have
a man and a family of her own.
Who knows? God forbid
my child dies alone, ooh!
I have a boyfriend, everyone.
- [glass rattles]
- [baby wails]
Oh. Congratulations.
[laughs]
- Thanks.
- [Nellie] Thando.
Christmas Eve, bring him for dinner.
I don't want to hear stories. You hear me?
- Okay.
- Or! Or maybe he can come alone.
- Since you'll be working.
- No, I'll bring him.
[Nellie laughs]
- To Thando.
- To Thando!
- [Minnie] To boyfriend.
- [Nellie] The best Christmas.
[Mikayla] Yay to the boyfriend.
- Bye, sis.
- Bye.
- Thando.
- Mum?
Should I call the hospital
and tell them you won't make it?
- I can. I can do that.
- No, no! No, no. Mum.
Don't worry about it.
I'll call and sort it out.
Okay. Proud of you.
- Night.
- Thanks, baby.
Thanks, Mom
[Nellie] We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
And a happy ♪
[Charles laughs] Why have you decided
to make your life a living hell?
[Thando] Because, Charles, like, I
I'm tired of being the source
of disappointment to everyone that I love.
And also, it's exhausting. Dude!
Yo! Like, you should have seen
the look on my mum's face.
- So just tell your mum the truth.
- Okay, yeah, sure.
And be a lying disappointment again.
No, look, your mum
is actually cool, really
- Exactly.
- Right.
Come here, look. Don't stress about it.
- You know me.
- [sighs]
We have 24 days
to find you a boyfriend, so we will.
- We'll find him, don't worry.
- Okay, yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah. Here.
- Yeah.
[laughs] Even though a lot of single guys
go home for December.
I'm screwed. I'm screwed!
Well, not in the last three years.
That I'm sure of.
Dude, so now I'm a joke to you?
- Please take me seriously. Dawg.
- [laughs] No, no, no.
All right, look here.
- I have some boys I can hook you up with.
- [gags]
- And whose boys are that, yours?
- Yeah.
- I know your boys. No, thanks.
- All right, fair.
Uh
How about this?
["Love Everlasting" by GoldFish plays]
- First Thursdays?
- Just read.
- "First Thursdays"!
- Single Jingles First Thursdays, Thando.
[laughs and cackles] Please!
No. No!
No.
Open up your eyes, then you'll realize ♪
Here I stand with my everlasting love ♪
Need you by my side ♪
Boy, to be my pride ♪
You'll never be denied ♪
Everlasting love ♪
Love, love ♪
Sorry. Hi.
Whew!
[laughs]
This one is called the Hook-Up.
What's in this?
Ah. Hopes and dreams
and a whole lot of tequila.
- Mongezi!
- Yes, boss?
[Charles] Take this, brother.
- Whoo!
- [Charles] Great stuff.
All right, let's go.
That's right!
[man] Ah, beautiful girl.
Let me pour you some Hennessy.
You see, Hennessy goes well with Versace.
I'll buy it for you and we'll match.
[Thando] You said you're in the import
and export business?
Yeah, yeah. Um, connected.
- Oh?
- Politically.
- Oh. [chuckles]
- Yeah.
Okay, and then, why are you single?
Why are you asking so many questions?
Mm-mm, mm-mm.
[amapiano music plays]
- Yo, man! I love this song.
- [Thando] Really?
- For real, yeah.
- [Thando] I love it too. So much.
- Are you into music?
- I'm so into music.
- What are you talking about?
- Bro, I literally make music, bro.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah, dawg.
Could you actually follow me on Twitter?
And then maybe retweet it?
And then tag Cassper Nyovest?
'Cause I'm really trying to get
my stuff out there, you feel me?
Tell me. What is such a pretty Zulu girl
doing in a place like this? Am I right?
- You're Zulu?
- Ye Yeah, well, I'm Zulu, half
- Other half?
- Um, Tswana.
[grumbles] I thought you'd say Xhosa.
I don't like Xhosas.
- Cheers, cheers.
- Cheers.
Um
One minute, we are married [sniffles]
the next minute,
she slept with my brother.
- Oh, I
- She got pregnant with his baby.
Or with my baby.
[sniffles] I'm not I'm not sure.
Hang on, let me put you
on to something, actually.
- Okay, okay.
- Okay, just look.
- [phone chimes]
- Okay Ah, fuck.
Look, man, month end is still far,
like, so could you maybe, like,
hook me up with a bit of data so that
- Oh, um
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah. Oh!
- Yeah.
- That's the guy Yeah.
- Oh. Oh?
[laughs] I see you, man.
- It's starting to smell like desperation.
- Stupid.
[both laugh]
- My name is V-Dog.
- Uh V-Dog?
- It's actually my stage name, so
- Okay.
What did you say your name was again?
- Thando.
- I love it.
- What's your surname?
- Mokoena.
No ways! I'm a Mokoena.
- Shit.
- Shit!
[man] So, uh, you come here often?
No, actually, first time here.
Mmm. [chuckles]
Virgin. Nice.
[sobs and sniffles]
Well, I'm highly intelligent.
IQ off the charts.
I drive a BMW, I have two houses,
one here, and one in KZN.
Now, I'm telling you this 'cause I don't
wanna hide my strengths from you.
I do community work, you know?
What you would call community outreach.
Okay. I'm a physio.
[whistles slowly]
[whistles rapidly]
- [both laugh]
- Oh, man, no.
So you're a doctor?
I mean, not if you ask my mum, but yeah.
Tell me, what kind
of community outreach do you do?
Well [whistles]
- [exclaims]
- [Thando grunts]
["Stimela" by 2Point1
feat. Ntate Stunna & Nthabi Sings plays]
I was never here.
[huffs]
[man] But enough about me.
Tell me what you think of me.
Hmm?
Like some?
I'm fine.
Oh jeez, yeah.
[mellow pop music plays]
This one is called
My Mother's Disappointed Eyes.
- Just clean, my guy?
- Straight.
- Ah, hey, you're killing me!
- Top that.
Mmm! That's not bad.
- Anything for the boys?
- Oh!
I'm sorry, sorry. I don't have anything.
Next time, next time.
You're so stingy, man!
[both laugh]
[man] You look familiar.
[Thando] If it was a pick-up line,
it wouldn't be too bad.
I mean, it's kind of mysterious.
- [laughs]
- But approachable.
[laughs]
I'm I mean, I'm I'm here
for the Singles Mingle thing.
I have a little problem.
[laughs] What?
I know you!
From where?
You were Sifiso's girlfriend.
[melancholic music plays]
You all right? Because if it were me,
I wouldn't be all right.
I mean, he left on the day
of the lobola ceremony.
Damn.
It's rough, eh?
Yeah. Um
Yeah, I'm done. Enjoy.
Okay, wait. Look, look, hey.
Sorry, I'm out.
Whoa, Cinderella, don't leave yet.
Whoa. What now? Why? Why?
This whole thing has just highlighted
exactly why I don't date. Okay?
- I'm leaving.
- Wait, I'll walk you home.
- I'll walk you.
- You're gonna walk me?
I am an independent woman
and I do not need a man
to help me, okay? I'm fine.
- I'm fine!
- Why are you yelling?
- Hey, Thando. Whoa, whoa!
- Yeah, I'm yelling. Just leave me.
[breathes deeply] Oh, gosh!
[bass pounding faintly from car]
Hello. Sorry, um, are you, uh, Gladwell?
No. Are you Graham?
No. I Uh
[groans]
Okay. Um
Oh, Jesus. My gosh.
[gasps] No, no! Hey! You Wa Hey!
Hey!
[thief groans]
[suspenseful percussive music plays]
- You shit!
- [Thando exclaims]
- Okay.
- Get out of here.
Okay.
[romantic pop music plays]
Uh, I'm
Uh, I'm sorry.
I I was requesting an Uber
and I'm so stupid.
It's 2023, and of course a woman
can't walk alone in the streets.
You should.
You should be able to walk anywhere.
- [chuckles]
- This yours?
Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
[Thando chuckles]
What, do you have like a white horse
hiding somewhere?
[chuckles] I do not.
But I do have a few minutes.
I'll wait with you.
Thank you. Uh
Thando.
[man] I'm Simon.
But you can call me Si.
[romantic music continues]
[chuckles softly]
BASED ON THE NORWEGIAN TV SERIES
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