Zombieland: The Series (2013) s01e01 Episode Script

1
First thing, wake up,
keurig's broken.
- Ugh.
- No coffee. Yeah.
So I drive to Starbucks,
'cause I can't function.
I get out of the car,
phone flies off of my lap
onto the asphalt
Screen cracks.
Oh, no!
I'm staring at the crack,
pissed as shit,
'cause I just got the new 5S
and the new plan.
Take that shit back.
Tell 'em that it came that way.
Yeah, they might replace it
if you get the right genius.
Of course, what do I notice?
This isn't even a part
of the story.
One of my apps is missing.
The icon from the home screen.
Somehow I deleted it.
- Yeah, butt-deleted.
Only I don't know
which one's gone,
'cause it's gone,
and I won't figure it out.
Until you need to use it.
I fucking hate that.
Fucking hate!
So, now, it gets better.
I order at Starbucks,
and they ask my name.
No one ever hears
my name right.
Ainsley.
No one ever gets that.
So I say "Jim,"
and he writes "Jim" on the cup.
Only now my coffee's ready,
and they call out "Jim."
I've forgotten I'm Jim.
Which wouldn't be a problem.
- Let me guess.
- Another fucking Jim.
- Ugh!
Asshole walks off
with my soy chai latte,
and I end up with his
whole milk whatever the fuck.
But, of course,
I don't realize it
till I'm back in the car and
I'm 2/3rds through the venti,
thinking this tastes
a little different.
- And aren't you
- Lactose intolerant!
Yes, and so now I finished
a venti of cow's milk.
So I pull into walgreens
for some lactaid
so I don't get diarrhea.
'Cause that's
what dairy gives me diarrhea.
Mm.
- Oh, my freakin' God.
So have you
No, I still
haven't shit my pants.
- Yay!
- Genius of lactaid.
But the day ain't over yet,
Sheila.
- Oh, bless your heart.
- Mm-hmm.
I know, I know.
#firstworldproblems.
Some poor soul's
actually suffering out there.
Mmmmm.
Don't do that.
It is okay for you
to be irritated.
Really?
Ainsley, we are used to
the life that we're used to.
- Oh!
- You're allowed to be annoyed.
Good God.
Lunch.
All right.
Okay, Sheila.
- Thank you.
Assaaahss
It's mine!
Can I interest you two
in a dessert of some sort?
I already hit up
a vending machine.
On the lactaid.
Figured, why not a twinkie?
You little fat ass. I love it.
Can't remember the last time
I had a twinkie.
Shut the fuck up.
Pickles in the tuna fish?
You don't take the pickle?
I
Pickles make everything else
taste like pickles.
- I specifically asked
- He did.
Could this day
possibly get any worse?
You know what they say
about zombie attacks.
You always remember
your first time.
Any guesses who's gonna
survive this one?
Choose fast.
Hey!
Maybe you would've chosen
the sandwich guy
if you knew
where this scene took place
A little state called Florida.
A little town called
Tallahassee.
Welcome
To Zombieland.
Z-land is like a greatest hits
collection of nightmares.
The only one not included is the one
where I'm naked for my final exam.
A deadly virus has made off
with everyone's brains.
My friends and I are
among the few non-zombies left,
thanks to a little list.
Cardio
Tops all my rules
for surviving Zombieland.
Zombies lead
a very active lifestyle.
So should you.
Never know when you're gonna be
running for your life
Or some other
almost-as-important reason.
Here's to enjoying
the little things.
Happy fourth of July.
Who's telling him
it's mid-June?
I'm Columbus.
Not my real name.
In Zombieland,
we go by the cities we're from.
Tallahassee's idea.
Keeps us from getting
too attached.
That's Wichita.
I love her,
but she's put up more walls
than a north Korean chain gang.
Her kid sister Little Rock, after all
she's seen, trying hard to stay a kid.
And finally,
the floridian himself,
a zombie-killing,
us-annoying legend.
All right,
here comes the big finale.
Whoo-hoo hoo!
Yeah! Whoo!
Whoo! Look at that!
I did that!
Ah!
Perfect.
I don't know.
It was missing something.
It's George Washington's
birthday.
Our tongues are red, white, and
blue from eating bullet pops.
I just blew up
an entire fireworks factory.
What could possibly be missing?
Your frontal lobe?
Are we just letting the
"Washington's birthday" thing go?
Maybe he was born on June 17th.
Answer me.
What's missing?
Can't you hear?
All of a sudden, I knew.
It wasn't what we could hear.
It was what we couldn't.
The "oohs" and "ahhs"
of a crowd,
the laughter of friends,
the chatter of children.
People.
People.
What good is fun if there's
no one to share it with?
Look, I'm just saying
that she's right.
I mean, we've been wandering
around L.A. for what,
a month now, and
We need to think
about our future, okay?
Humanity's future.
I mean, there is no future
without people.
Tell him what we think
about people.
Go on, tell him.
- People suck.
- People suck.
What is so great about people?
They're responsible for everything
bad that's ever happened to anyone.
- Okay, that's not true, though.
- He's right.
Shark attacks.
- Tsunamis.
Slavery, World War ii,
the inquisition.
- Head lice.
- Oh! I once had head lice.
Though I got it
from a girlfriend.
She was technically a person.
Sorry.
- That's okay.
We prefer you on her side
of the argument.
Look, I know
that you're skeptical, but
Okay, haven't you ever heard that
saying, "it takes a village"?
"It takes a village."
Nope, I don't think
I've ever heard that saying.
Ugh.
And where are we gonna find
this village?
Onstar.
How can I help you?
Detroit.
Tallahassee.
Tally, sweet pea.
Happy slap.
I miss you kids!
You don't write.
You don't call.
How you doing, baby?
- Better now.
Quit!
You float my boat, beautiful.
I tell you,
when I hear your voice, mm!
And you put the awesome
in my blossom.
Meet Detroit,
the badass ex-onstar operator
who's now the guardian angel
of Zombieland,
- our eye in the sky.
- Whatcha need, cuddle cakes?
We were hoping that
you might be able to lead us
to other survivors.
Then you've come to
the right roadside assistant.
Sitting down?
Silly question.
I just found
a big safe community
on the eastern seaboard.
Fishers island, New York,
to be exact zombie-free.
See?
- Gosh, it would be so nice to put down
some roots and call someplace
- Home.
Magic word.
Ever since I found a family, all I've
ever wanted to be, to feel is home.
Where we come from,
home is a four-letter word.
You wanna go across the country to find
some community you know nothing about?
That's the kind of stupid
you have rules for.
For once,
your big sis may be right.
And the east coast
is 50,000 miles away.
Ish.
With a lot of
mindless meat lovers in between.
Okay, well, maybe we don't
have to find a village.
Maybe we can found one.
You know, we can start it up.
We can gather our own people.
Why couldn't we start
a community?
Survivors are few,
but they're out there.
Let's see.
Bingo!
Corner of venice and grand.
Rule number 33
Good luck, God bless,
and thank you for using onstar.
Okay, so it's settled.
People.
Three against one.
Whatever.
Zombie kill of the week?
Week's not over yet.
Morning!
Morning!
Could use a little company.
Join us?
- Marvelous.
Ah, it is marvelous.
Yeah.
Well, his temperament seems
sunny, as do his windows.
Remember this day
as the start of
a brand-new band of brothers.
God, finally some new blood.
Well, fuck me!
I know what you're thinking.
These two lovebirds should be
busy repopulating earth
like Adam and Eve.
Or Sarah Connor and Kyle Reese.
Whoo!
Talk about
the post-apocalypse.
You know,
I do all my best thinking
with my pants
around my ankles
Oh, you don't say.
And it just occurred to me
why you've been wearing
that sad bunny face.
Could he possibly be on to me?
The truth is
Wichita and I broke up
A couple of weeks ago,
not too long
after our first kiss.
- Heading down the track!
- Yeah! Faster!
- Yeah, she spins out!
- Faster!
- Burning rubber!
- Whoo!
1, 2, 3!
Whoo!
Yes!
"Newbie dad:
Crash course in fatherhood."
Yeah, this is
I don't wanna be an actual father.
Let's just be clear about that.
I just, um
I'm just reading that to
Relate to Little Rock.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
Um, she's not your daughter.
No, she's like
a sister-in-law, you know?
Mm, I wouldn't say that.
Um, she's more like
my girlfriend's sister, then.
Hadn't really discussed
the "g" word.
Yeah, but we're dating, right?
Dating.
Right.
- Yeah.
Uh, you know, it occurs to me
that we know each other,
but we don't actually know
each other.
Like, um, where would be your
favorite place to honeymoon?
Okay, I'm sorry.
Maybe that was
What's your first grade
teacher's name?
Um
What's your favorite
bottled water?
Columbus, you are
You're so nice.
And I-I'm so
Sorry.
I mean, we gotta slow this down.
- Oh, man.
Likelike way down.
Okay, but, Krista
Can we please just go back
to Wichita?
You're revoking
my Krista privileges?
I j
Okay, just be honest.
Is there someone else?
So you see, Wichita and I
had already slowed it down.
Way down.
Maybe it was a good thing.
This family's plenty
dysfunctional.
You're upset because you wanna
back up that badonkadonk.
Back it up!
Back it up!
What? Okay.
All right, wait.
Look, look, look, look.
No one likes
getting thrown out at home.
But be patient, sad bunny.
She likes you.
I have no idea why,
but she does.
Trust me.
You'll get another at-bat.
Look, in the immortal words
of Wichita herself, "whatever."
I don't think
it's gonna happen.
All right, I can't stand
seeing you like this.
Which is why
I'm gonna teach you
how to do something
whenever you feel low, okay?
Ha, here we go.
I just want you to imagine
that you've been dead and gone
a long time.
And God comes up to you
and he says,
"son, I'm gonna let you
go back down to earth and live
"for five minutes.
But only five."
- Okay.
- Are you following me?
- Yes. I'm following.
- All right.
Now, I want you to imagine
that those five minutes
start right
Now.
It's hard to take advice from a guy who
asks for a price check at the 99¢ store.
But he may be on to something.
Right there in front of you.
6th street bridge.
Hope your tummies are rumbling.
Mmm!
Sister can cook it up.
We've had our last hot pocket.
Try not to kill her this time.
Girl scout cookies!
I am a sucker
for thank you Berry munches.
- So, Regina.
- Mm-mm. "Re-gyna."
Kinda like vagina,
but with an "er."
Sorry.
For real? Vagina?
Overunder on how many times
he says the word "vagina"?
That counted as one.
Those of you at home,
feel free to play along.
I really can't tell you
how happy we are to have you.
- About to get happier.
- Why is that?
- Taste my boysenberry pie.
- Oh, my God.
- What?
- You've got to be kidding me.
Oh, my God.
- Oh.
No way this is happening.
- Regina, thank you.
- Oh, my God.
- Shut up!
- There is nothing worth eating
that doesn't make your teeth
a different color.
Welcome to the family,
vagina with an "r."
- I love you.
- This is good pie.
- I love you.
- You are one of us now.
And membership
has its privileges.
Columbus here's got these rules
for surviving Zombieland.
He's got a vagina.
But they're absolutely
foolproof.
Oh, I am this close to losing
every last bit of my shit.
So unfucking fair
To let me picture a life
without hot pockets.
How about an anger lap?
Race?
You know,
you can't help but think
how quickly it can all end
With unfinished business.
Really?
What'd you do with that pie?
What? Sue me.
She took a number.
God called it.
There was nothing we could do.
Rule number 19
for surviving Zombieland:
Ziploc bags.
- Thank you Berry munches.
You're welcome.
You have something on your face
by the way.
You know, I'm not your poppy,
but you should quit that.
Video games?
They will rot your brain
faster than a zombie bite.
Besides, there ain't been
a good one since Ms. Pac-Man.
- Ms. Pac-Man.
- Yeah.
There was this thing
called the 20th century.
Here we go.
Ms. Pac-Man
was kinda like Pac-Man,
but in drag.
She had red lipstick, mascara,
and a bow in her hair.
- She had hair?
- Actually, you know what?
You're right, she was bald.
They were both bald.
- And she had a big mole on her face.
- Yeah, big ol' facial mole right here.
And she and Pac-Man
would just go around and eat.
I mean, they would just eat everything that
came by, just bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop.
Until they met.
- And then they kissed.
So imagine a yellow bald guy
just going around
stuffing his cheeks,
and then just macking out
with another yellow bald guy.
- With a big mole on his face.
- In drag.
I'm sorry I missed that.
You know, if Detroit's right,
this guy's supposed to be
a great mechanic.
Great.
I can't wait to meet him.
He's probably
a really nice guy too.
And he can make
a great addition.
If he makes it to noon.
Phew.
Hey! Hey!
Hey!
Who holes up
in a shit-shack like this?
Hey! Hey!
I'm Tallahassee.
This is Columbus,
Little Rock, and Wichita.
Eugene! Oregon!
I'll be right down!
No, no, no, no.
Stop! Stop!
Stay right there.
We're coming to you.
All right, listen up.
Eugene is the president.
We are the secret service.
I'll take a bullet
if I have to.
Taste his food,
lay down my life.
But he is not dying
on our watch, understood?
Understood.
What?
Understood.
You got it?
Let's do this.
So fired up right now.
Finally some people
to play Boggle with.
It's lonely.
You get to thinking,
something happens to me
No one's gonna even know.
All right, Zuckerberg,
don't get all
Va-geena on us.
Nothing's gonna happen
to you, trust us.
You're one of us now, Eugene.
And membership has its privileges.
Tell him what he's won,
Columbus.
Oh, yeah, I have these rules
for surviving Zombieland.
Shh!
Did you hear that?
I gotcha.
Don't worry.
Where's the trust?
Aah!
Fucking
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck!
We are cursed!
We are cursed!
We're cursed!
It's like we picked up Bobby
Brady's ass-reaming tiki idol
And it's just tipping us over,
and just ramming us in the
Ah!
Please don't ask me
who Bobby Brady is right now,
or I'll lose my shit
more than I lost it
a second ago, okay?
It's not funny.
It's the tiniest bit funny.
It ain't over yet.
Destination's on the left.
Cutest old couple.
Could be your town elders.
But, sweet Jesus, be careful!
They're my last two folks
in L.A.
Thank you for using onstar.
Yoohoo!
Meals on wheels!
Maybe they've fallen
and they can't get up.
- Hello!
- Hello?
- Hello?
- It smells like bengay.
Hello!
"Bubbee."
Huh?
Oh.
Um, I think it's bubbie,
actually.
- Uh, and peepaw.
- Aw!
They're, like, so cute.
You gotta admit it's touching.
God bless
the greatest generation.
They remind me of
Nana and Zadie a little bit.
And grammu and gampu.
And gray-gray
and muffer.
Graygray and muffer?
Grammu and gampu?
- Are you crying?
- Nah.
Allergies.
You know, L.A. dust storms,
San Gabriels.
Okay, the point is, we all had
our grandmother and grandfather,
- and now they're gone.
- Kinda bringing down the room.
Well, I just
I think we should
I mean, we should probably
keep searching the house, right?
I can't wait
to meet bubbie and poopie.
Peepaw.
It's bubbie and peepaw.
Oh, great.
Hello?
Okay.
One thing about Zombieland,
you can never feel
clean enough.
Okay!
Oh.
Okay.
Bubbie.
Right. Bubbie.
I'm so sorry.
Bubbie and poppy.
Peepaw!
Damn it.
Can you guys still hear me?
If so, you should know that,
um,
my Nana once mistakenly wrote me
a birthday check for $10,000,
and I didn't cash it,
I promise.
Ahh!
Ah!
Shit!
Oh, my God!
Help me, please!
They're not as cute
as gray-gray and muffer.
Come on.
Aah!
No!
Aah!
Oh, God!
Peepaw!
Bambi!
- Bubbie!
- Right.
Look!
I love you two old birds.
But do not make me do this.
All right.
You get the horns.
Ooh
Oh
I could really use
a can of ensure right now.
There are two more angels
in heaven.
They were too good
for this world.
There's nothing more romantic
than an old couple dying
within minutes of one another.
Yeah, that's because
you smashed their heads in
with a fireplace poker.
This is
really, really fucked up.
Hey, ho!
Language.
But you're right.
It is.
Zombie kill of the week?
A close second, actually, to
Jorge Lortez
of Fort Worth, Texas.
That was pretty cool when I
smacked that
Yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- Well, it was
- Uh
Oh! Oh!
Oh, my God.
- Ugh.
- Yeah.
Oh, that's
that's in there.
- That's really gross.
- Yeah.
Fiji.
Favorite honeymoon.
Bottled water.
I'll take it.
Don't say it.
Another man down?
We still haven't met
that special someone.
But we just ditched
our "va-hinas" back in Burbank.
So we're ready to aim
for that paradise
on the eastern seaboard.
- A place to call home.
- Mm.
It's only 50,000 miles away.
Ish.
Tell you what.
You head east.
I'll call fishers island, get
'em to roll out the red carpet.
Take care of
your handsome selves.
God bless and thank you
for using onstar.
Does she sound hot to you?
God.
People in
the telecommunications industry
usually are, so
If she's got a sister
Are you guys thinking
what I'm thinking?
Somewhere between us
and fishers island
lies the motor city.
Detroit or bust?
I hear it's nice
this time of year.
That's what I'm talking about.
- De-troit!
- Hey, guys.
Hmm?
Do you want some pie?
- Yes!
- Yes, we do!
Ah, pie!
Wait, can I
have it first though?
- Yeah, go give it to her.
- Yeah, no
'Cause I'm the kid.
- All right, okay, all right.
- No! I'm going first.
A semi-wise man once said,
"picture you've been dead
a long time
"and God comes to you and says,
"'I'm gonna let you go back down
to earth and live
"'For five minutes.
But only five.'"
which five would you choose?
Here's a hint.
Don't think about
the where or the when.
Think about the who.
In the meantime,
adventure awaits,
and so do 5 billion zombies.
Best settle your bets quick.
That was six "vaginas."
Yeah, "muffer" does count.
Till next time, Vegas, anyone?
This is Columbus, Ohio,
saying "good night."
That is moist vagina.
Don't get all "vageena" on us.
We just ditched our "vahanas."
Vagina.
Gavina.
Vageens.
Vagina.
Vagine-gines.
I could eat this, vagina
Vagenie-geens.
Vagina.
"Va-hina."
"Va-vanahas."
This is delicious vagina.
Mm, can I have some more?
This is really good.
That came out wrong.
Think there's a comma
in there somewhere.
This is
really, really fucked up.