007: Road to a Million (2023) s01e02 Episode Script

[Controller] This snake could crush
a human to death in seconds.
For twenty five thousand pounds,
what's the length of this snake?
One hundred and eighty-five centimetres.
Two hundred and twenty centimetres.
Two hundred and sixty-five centimetres.
[Joey] We're well over 185.
I think we are well over 220.
So we're nearer to 265.
- Alright, you sure?
- Yeah.
- Alright.
- Listen, we've had a go.
It's not easy.
[James] There's only so many times
you can measure a snake.
Cool?
- [switch beeps]
- [Joey] C. 265.
[Joey huffs]
[button beeps]
[Controller]
For twenty five thousand pounds,
you have selected answer C.
Your answer is
[Joey] Mate, come on.
[whispering] You bastard.
[Controller] Correct.
- Yes!
- [Joey] Yes! Get in there.
- Sweet as a nut.
- Oh, mate!
[James Bond theme music tones]
[music fades]
[Kamara] No, put your hands on the wheel.
[Josh laughs]
[Kamara] No, just put
your hands on the wheel.
[Josh] Don't worry man, I got this.
[suspenseful music]
[Kamara] You're a bit on the side.
[Josh] Trust me.
[Kamara] Uh, it's too much.
Half an hour, Bubs.
- [Josh] Half an hour, yeah?
- To find the question, yeah.
[suspenseful music continues]
[Controller] Josh and Kamara.
The married couple.
[Kamara] Oh my days.
What is that?
[sheep bleating]
[Kamara] Oh, there's sheep.
What the hell?
- [Josh trills loudly]
- [Kamara] Slowly, slowly, Bubs.
[Kamara] Oh my God.
Oh my God.
[Josh trilling loudly]
[Kamara] I'm going to ask him.
[Josh] Say "Il Ponte di Gravina."
- Il Ponte di Gravina.
- Il Ponte di Gravina.
[Kamara] Okay.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
[panting] Il Ponte di Gravina.
Uh, you speak English?
Non capisco l'inglese.
[Kamara sighs]
- [Josh] Parli inglese, no?
- No.
Gravina bridge?
[farmer] Ah, Gravina.
[farmer] You need to go from
here and turn left.
[farmer] No, to the left.
[Josh] Sì, sì, sì.
- This way?
- [Josh] Huh?
- I don't know.
- [both laugh]
[Josh] He said, just go straight on
and then on the left side.
- And time?
- Time.
[farmer] Twenty minutes.
Ten?
Ten minutes, okay, sì. Grazie.
[Kamara] Alright, come on, let's go.
[Josh] Kamara's Caribbean.
You know, and I'm from Bangladesh.
You're never going to get this mix, ever.
This is one of those cocktails
that everybody goes,
"Oh my God."
[both laugh]
And they forever remember it.
[Controller] Well,
they've done alright so far.
[phone ringing]
- The phone's ringing, man.
- [Kamara] Hello?
[Controller] For five thousand pounds,
according to legend, a mythical creature
used to roam these lands.
[suitcase clicks open]
[Controller] What is
this horned, mythical creature?
[Josh] It's one of the flags
that's got the lion and the unicorn.
- [Josh] Yeah, I reckon C.
- Kamara] Go on then.
- What's that, is that green?
- Hold it up.
- Whoo!
- Yes!
[Kamara laughs]
[suspenseful music]
[Controller] The next question
is for ten thousand pounds.
You'll find it
eight miles across these mountains
in the town of Kinlochleven,
in a house called Kincade.
[Josh] Kincade house. Kincade!
[Kamara] Oh shit.
[Kamara pants]
[Josh knocks] Hello?
[Josh] Alright,
we're looking for something.
[Josh] Wow, what a house.
[Kamara] I'm scared, wait.
[Josh] Wait, hold on.
[Kamara] Okay, it's all very queen.
[Josh] I feel bad walking in my shoes.
Hello?
Oh look, "play me."
Oh shit.
Oh yes, yes, yes. Hold on, hold on.
[television beeps]
[Controller] This is Princess Elizabeth
arriving in Scotland with her children.
Is that Prince Charles?
[Controller] For ten thousand pounds,
what year is this?
[Josh, whispering] Oh flip.
She was Queen in 1953.
Yeah, she was Queen in 1953,
so it can't be 1960.
- [Josh] Yeah.
- Yeah?
And 1940, it can't be
because she didn't have any children.
She wasn't married. It was 1950.
Khalas, done.
[Josh] Right, are you sure?
[Kamara, laughing] Oh shit.
[Josh] A million pounds would be
life changing for us and our children.
To be able to buy a home.
To be able to buy a car.
[Controller] You chose option B.
[Josh] To even move your life
into a different area.
We grew up on the largest
social housing estate
in the whole of Europe.
Racism, knife crime, gun crime.
Anything that we do, to be honest, now,
we do it for our children.
We don't want them
to go through that same life.
[Controller] Your answer is
[whispering] Oh my God.
Please.
- [Controller] Correct.
- Yes!
Oh my God.
- [Kamara] What?
- [Josh] Whoo!
Yeah?
You smashed it. Well done,
well done, well done, well done.
[Controller] The next question
is for twenty-five thousand pounds.
You'll find it thirty miles away,
next to Il Ponte di Gravina.
When you get there,
look for the highest point.
You have ninety minutes.
[Kamara] Okay, there's the junction.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
- Let's go.
- [Kamara] Focus.
Just look out for signs,
just keep an eye out for signs.
Il Ponte di Gravina.
[Kamara] "Gravina."
- [Josh] Come on, Bubs.
- Yeah.
[Josh] We got this.
[both panting]
[Josh] Careful.
[Josh] Ooh.
[Kamara] Oh my days.
[Josh exhales in awe]
[Kamara] What the hell?
[suspenseful music]
[Kamara] Look for the highest point.
[Kamara] The highest point
to find the question.
[Josh] Up on those buildings?
- By the church bell?
- [Kamara] Unless it's the crane?
[Josh] The crane?
Oh my God.
[music swells]
[Josh] Oh my God.
Can you see that, Bubs?
Yeah, there's something
sticking out up there.
- At the end?
- Yeah.
You weren't expecting that.
[Kamara] Come on.
[Kamara] Oh my God.
You've got to be
actually shitting me right now.
Oh my God.
Okay, I need a minute to breathe.
One harness. What?
So, one of us has to go and do it.
- [Josh exhales]
- Bubs.
Are you alright?
[Josh] I am shitting bricks.
I'm scared of heights.
You are not scared of heights, yeah?
[Kamara] I'm scared of heights.
But listen, don't come here
and then start saying
you're scared of heights.
- Seriously, that's taking the mick.
- Okay.
All this time,
you haven't even declared it
and now you're telling me
you're scared of heights.
Are you [sighs]
- [Kamara exhales]
- You can do it.
Listen, I've honestly got
a genuine fear of heights. [laughs]
- Alright.
- Yeah?
That? No.
Bubs, if you are
From that cliff, I was shitting bricks.
[Kamara] Okay. [sighs]
- So I'm gonna go up, then.
- [Josh] Yeah.
- And I'll watch.
- [both laugh]
Umm, yeah.
[harness jingling]
[Kamara] I've always had to have
this kind of exterior of being hard
and don't show emotion.
[Josh] Go on.
[Kamara] And I think that's
to do with just my upbringing.
[Josh] Mind your head.
[Kamara whispering indistinctly]
[Josh] Come on, Kamara.
[Kamara] I grew up
in a single parent household.
My dad left
when I was about six years old.
Nice and slow.
[Kamara] A lot went on in my household
and I left home quite young.
That's when I had to become
really responsible
in order to survive and
basically make something of myself.
[tense music plays]
[Kamara] It was always,
I'm kind of fighting.
I've gotta fight for myself.
Fighting for my own survival
and making sure that I'm alright.
Jesus.
I'm not watching that.
[Josh exhales]
[Kamara panting heavily]
[Kamara] Oh, I feel sick.
[sighs]
I'm tired. I'm really tired.
[Kamara] You've got this,
you've got this, you've got this.
[Josh] That's it Bubs, you've got this!
Keep going!
[wind howling]
[suspenseful music]
[Kamara grunts and shouts]
You are amazing.
Keep going, Bubs.
[Kamara breathing shakily]
[Kamara] Oh shit,
I shouldn't have looked down.
[panicked] Ooh.
The wind. The wind.
[Kamara] You've got this,
you've got this, you've got this.
[sighs] Shit.
Bubs, it's getting windy.
Oh shit.
[wind howling and crane rattling]
[Kamara] Oh shit.
Oh God. Alright.
[Kamara, panting] Bubs, I've got here!
The package is secure on me, Bubs!
Yes!
[Josh chuckles] That's my girl!
[music intensifies]
[Kamara exhales sharply]
[intense music continues]
[music stops]
[Josh] So proud of you, well done.
Smashed it.
You smashed it.
Come on,
we need to sort out the questions.
[Kamara sighs]
- Alright.
- [suitcase clicks open]
- [Josh] Here it goes.
- [Kamara] Yep, come on.
[Controller] I hope you enjoyed
the breathtaking views
of the Italian countryside.
It was here, in southern Italy,
that a professional female poisoner
brewed a deadly potion,
sold in perfume bottles
to women who wanted
to kill their husbands.
It was colourless,
odourless,
tasteless
and thought to have led
to six hundred deaths.
[Josh, laughing] Don't get any ideas.
[Controller]
For twenty-five thousand pounds,
what was the poison made of?
Arsenic.
Sulphur.
Gold.
[Josh] Right, okay.
So, gold, definitely not.
- It's got a colour to it.
- Yeah.
Sulphur, sulphur.
Oh God, you know, I'm so tired.
I can't think.
Sulphur.
[Josh] Arsenic
I think I've heard that
used as a poison.
- [Kamara] Are you sure?
- No, don't put it on me.
[Kamara laughs] Umm
[Josh, whispering] Arsenic
I've either had a revelation,
or [laughs]
Umm.
- You're gonna go for arsenic?
- Yeah, yeah, let's go for it.
[Kamara] If it's red,
it's not even a joke.
[Josh] Don't worry about that,
you smashed it.
You took the world on, mate,
so you don't need to worry about that.
What you did up there was
Invincible.
[suspenseful music]
[Josh] Some of these questions,
when you're on the spot
- You just go so dumb.
- I can't think.
Ugh!
[cannister cracks open]
That's it, pull it.
[both] Whoo!
[Kamara] Yes!
Well done, Bubs.
Oh God, we've done it.
- [Josh] Tell everybody.
- Oh my God.
[Josh] Yay, Italy!
Bellissimo!
[Kamara] Okay.
I'm just really tired.
[laughing] I'm happy.
[Josh] Amazing.
Happy tears, happy tears.
Amazing.
[sighs] Okay. Sorry.
[both chuckle]
- Feels good, yeah.
- [Josh] Don't say sorry.
[Josh] You were amazing.
I'm happy.
We did it.
[Controller] "We"?
That's generous.
[Kamara] Well done, Bubs. [chuckles]
[dramatic music]
[dramatic music continues]
[car horn sounds]
[Keith] There might be
some road signs up here.
There is a kiosk, if you want to
[Nick] Do you want to dive out and ask?
- [Keith] Can do.
- [Nick] Yeah.
[Keith] Scusi. English?
- [man] Little bit.
- [Keith] Little bit?
Via dei Tribunali?
[man] Two Peroni?
- [man] Two Peroni.
- [Keith] No, no, no.
Directions.
We're looking for Via dei Tribunali.
[indecipherable]
- Via dei Tribunali?
- [Nick] Tribunali!
[Keith] Yeah. Is it that way?
[man] Ten minutes about.
[Keith] Okay, thank you.
- [Nick] Yeah?
- [Keith] Yeah.
He was trying to give me
a Peroni. [laughs]
- [Nick] A what?
- A beer.
[suspenseful music]
[Keith and Nick talking indistinctly]
[music intensifies]
[Controller] Keith and Nick.
[Nick] You've done
more doors than I've done.
- [door breaks]
- [Keith] That's one out.
[Controller] Two ex-coppers.
[Keith] We've got ski poles
and a big silver metal case.
[Controller] For five thousand pounds
[suitcase clicks open]
What were the powerful family groups
that ran Scotland called?
[Nick] I am fairly certain
that that's B, the clans.
[both] Together.
[both] Yes!
[both laughing]
[Controller] The next question
is for ten thousand pounds.
This is Castle Stalker.
For centuries,
a place where hawks were kept.
What were these hawks used for?
Spying.
Hunting.
Sending messages.
[Nick] Definitely not spying.
That was pigeons.
I'll go with hunting.
[Keith] Don't push that play button
unless you are 100%.
We're pushing it together, mate.
[button clicks]
[Controller] Your answer is
Correct.
[both laughing] Yes!
[Controller] The next question
is for twenty-five thousand pounds.
Straight up that way, isn't it?
[Controller] You'll find it
on the Via dei Tribunali,
in the Caseggiato Sciarra
on the third floor.
- [Keith] Right
- [Nick] Caseggiato
Hold on, is this the right one?
[Nick] Yes.
[indistinct chatter]
Only got 15 minutes.
[Nick] Okay.
[Keith] When I first retired,
it took me about six months
just to get used to the fact
that I wasn't carrying my ID card.
[tense music]
[Keith] It was who I was for 30 years.
That sense of identity.
Got nine minutes, Nick.
[Keith panting heavily]
If you're gonna find it,
now would be a good time.
30 years of family,
and it's almost like a bereavement.
- [Nick] "Caseggiato Sciarra".
- [Keith] You found it?
[Nick] I first worked on shift
with Keith in 1991.
We've been close friends ever since.
- [Keith] We've got to run.
- Got to get to the third floor now.
[Nick] We think the same.
We were good at solving stuff,
we were good at getting on together
and when things were rough at work
or you've had a bad day,
he was there to support.
- [Keith] Try the door.
- It's open.
[Keith] Okay. Hello? Anyone here?
- [Keith] This is interesting.
- Okay.
[Nick] What have we got here?
[Keith] Looks like someone's been
going through a diary or something.
[Keith] Nick? You coming?
[Nick] Okay.
[Keith] Big trunk.
[Nick] Shall we open it?
- Ugh!
- [Keith] Oh, okay.
[snakes slithering]
[Keith] Right.
[Nick] You alright doing that?
Well
In a second.
[snake hissing]
They do look a little bit feisty.
[Keith] Ah, here we go.
[suitcase clicks open]
Unless there's a snake hiding in this one.
[gasps]
[Nick] Now, I would suggest
that this little thing
- [Keith] Goes back in the box?
- Back in that box.
[Keith pants]
[Nick] You reckon
I can pick it up by the tail?
- [Keith] It will be very wriggly.
- You reckon?
[Nick] Hold on.
[Keith] Okay, I'll go get
[tense music plays]
[Nick] That was
a bit too close for comfort.
[panting heavily]
[Keith] It's their heads
they want to keep under control.
- [Nick] Go on then.
- Alright.
- [Nick] You got it?
- I've got it, you get the box.
- [Nick] I'll get the box.
- You get the box.
[Keith] Sooner rather than later, please.
And we'll put him back in with his mates.
[Nick] Lovely piece of tail. There we go.
- [both panting]
- [Nick] Teamwork.
I have never, ever
handled a snake like that before.
[Keith] You didn't handle it,
you dropped it.
I handled it and then it put
its head near my hand.
Yeah, yeah.
[Controller]
Please don't let the snakes bother you.
They're fairly harmless.
[whispers] "Fairly."
[Controller] The painting
in front of you is a masterpiece.
Modigliani's Woman with a Fan.
In 2010, it was stolen
in one of the world's biggest art heists,
along with Picassos and Matisses.
The value of the stolen artworks
was thought to be
over a hundred million pounds.
The man responsible was captured
and sentenced in a Parisian court.
For twenty-five thousand pounds,
how many years in prison
was the man sentenced to?
What the
[Controller] Two years.
Eight years.
Twenty-five years.
[Nick] Okay
Alright.
[Nick] Okay, I have absolutely no idea.
However, there's a newspaper over there.
- I was gonna say
- Let's have a look round.
There might be some clues.
[suspenseful music]
Trouble is, I don't read Italian.
No, but it might say
in fairly big letters.
- Well, there's nothing on that one.
- Okay.
[Keith] Literally every book
in here is on art.
- Anything in yours?
- No.
[Keith] What are you thinking
at the moment?
It's a French court.
French courts are notoriously strict
on people, aren't they?
See, I must admit, because of that,
I'm leaning more towards the 25
than the eight.
[Keith] Two seems too lenient,
and even eight years,
it's a hundred million-pound theft.
Are you gonna get away with eight years
or are we going down for 25?
What's your gut telling you?
Well, my gut's telling me it's 25.
And that's what my gut's telling me.
- [Nick] There's nothing else.
- No.
I can't see anything else
that I can base it on.
[Keith] Your gut's saying 25
and at the moment, my gut's saying 25.
So, happy?
No, I'm not happy, but
But you're happy with pushing C?
Because we're going round
in circles otherwise.
Yeah, I think so.
I think so.
- [Keith] Ready?
- [Both] Three, two, one, go.
[switch beeps]
- [Keith] Ready?
- Yep.
[button beeps]
[Controller] You chose option C.
- I reckon it's B.
- Probably is now.
[Controller] Your answer is
Incorrect.
[Keith sighs]
[Keith] Just tell us.
[Nick] Put us out of our misery, please.
[tense music builds]
- [Controller] Incorrect.
- Ugh.
[chuckles]
Criminal.
- Bye-bye.
- [beep]
ART THIEF SENTENCED TO EIGHT YEARS
[church bell ringing]
[phone ringing]
Hello?
[Controller] The next question
is for fifty thousand pounds.
You'll find it twenty miles away.
- 20 miles away.
- 20 miles?
- [Controller] In the town of Matera
- [Josh] In the town of Matera.
[Controller]
At a restaurant called Taranto.
[Josh] At a restaurant called Taranto.
[Controller] You have 90 minutes
to reach the question.
Ninety minutes.
A restaurant called Taranto.
Alright.
- [Josh] Let's go.
- Okay. What do you want to do?
Twenty miles away?
We should jump on the car.
Alright, so, back that way.
- Yeah? You remember?
- Yep.
Matera.
[engine whirring]
Oh God, seatbelt.
[Kamara] You got it?
[engine whirring]
Oh my God, don't tell me.
Is the car not working?
It is, it is.
I think.
[engine whirring]
[Kamara] What is going on?
[Josh] Turn.
- [Josh] Right, the car's not working.
- Okay.
Seriously, man.
Like, as if you get
a bloody good car like that
and then
I tell you what,
a hundred percent,
it's that guy we speak to on the phone.
He's messed up our car.
[Josh] Sorry.
English?
No English?
- It's not London, where you get taxis.
- Shall we ask one of those guys?
- Which guys?
- In that car there.
- [Josh] English?
- [man] Little.
[Josh] Oh, fantastic!
We want to get to Matera.
Can you take us to Matera?
- Come on.
- Okay, amazing.
[Kamara] Thank you.
- My name is Gino.
- Hi, Gino!
You are a superstar.
- [Gino laughs]
- Thank you so much.
- [Josh] We've got 65 minutes.
- Just over an hour.
[Josh] Just over an hour.
We need to get there.
[Kamara] Can you go fast?
And the quickest route.
- [Gino] In the dialect of Matera
- [Josh] Yes?
[Gino] "Come on" is "sciamaninn".
[Josh and Kamara] Sciamaninn.
[Kamara] Okay, sciamaninn!
- [Gino] Sciamaninn!
- [both] Sciamaninn!
- [Josh] Let's go!
- [Gino] Sciamaninn!
[both] Sciamaninn!
[tense music]
[Josh] Do you know
where the restaurant
- Yum yum?
- [Josh] Yes.
- [Kamara] Taranto.
- [Josh] Taranto, Taranto.
[Gino] Yes.
It's a very good restaurant!
[Josh] You can take us there?
[Josh] You are an angel.
[intense music]
[Josh] Okay, let's go.
Just keep going up.
He said straight, straight up.
So, let's just keep going straight.
- [Josh] 15 minutes.
- Shit, we've got 15 minutes, come on.
[Josh] Let's run, come on.
[both panting]
- [Josh] Right here, right here.
- Come on.
- [Josh] Careful, steps.
- Yep.
[Josh] Up here, there're no lights there.
There's no restaurant.
[dog barking]
[Josh] Look. Oh, yes!
[Kamara] Oh! Oh!
- [Josh] Come on, let's go. We made it.
- Alright, quickly.
[suspenseful music]
[Josh] Press there.
[Kamara] Is there a key?
[Josh knocks]
[Kamara] Any keys?
[Josh] I'm trying to think.
What to do? What to do?
- [Josh] Oh shit.
- There's nothing there.
[rattling]
[Josh] Keys? No, that's glass.
[Kamara] Should we smash
the glass? Bust the door?
No, I'm going to try and kick it.
[Kamara] Yeah, go on, kick that.
One, two, three. Whoa, shit!
- Okay, let's go.
- [Josh] Okay.
- [Kamara] Oh my God.
- Whoo!
[Josh] This looks crazy. Demonic.
[Kamara] Come on.
[Josh] What's going on here?
[Kamara] Geez.
- [Josh] This is freaking me out.
- Oh my God.
- Oh! Yo!
- [gasps] Wait, wait, wait.
- [Kamara] What?
- Look, look, look.
[Kamara] That's not real. Is that real?
[Josh] Look, knock it. [knocks on glass]
- [Kamara] No, it's not real. See?
- We've got the briefcase.
- Okay. Alright.
- [suitcase clicks open]
[Josh panting heavily]
[Controller] The nearby city of Taranto
inspired the name
of this beautiful spider.
Tarantula.
[Controller] For thousands of years,
people have lived in fear
and harmony with the tarantula.
Its fearsome bite
gave rise to a wild dance,
the tarantella,
associated with the writhing agony
that can follow a tarantula's bite.
For fifty thousand pounds,
approximately how much
does this tarantula weigh?
[Josh] Oh, Jesus Christ.
[Controller] Twenty-three grams.
Fifty-three grams.
Eighty-three grams.
[Josh] How in the flip
are you gonna work that one out?
- I'm saying
- How much
All I'm thinking
is taking that spider out
and look for some
- [Kamara] I'm not touching it.
- [laughs]set of scales or something.
- And then
- Is that a real spider?
[Josh] I don't know, man. Wait, hold on.
- [Josh] Oh no!
- Shit. Shit.
That's a real spider.
Oh my
[Josh gasps] Jesus!
Whoo! [gasps]
[Kamara] No, seriously,
I'm not touching it.
[Josh] We can find some scales,
put it in there
No, no, no. There's no scales here.
[Josh] And we'll put the tarantula
or whatever onto the scales.
[Kamara] Bubs
[Josh] Ugh, shit.
- [Kamara] Can we just look for clues?
- This is a kitchen, as well.
[Josh] There's scales here.
[Kamara] Ooh, ooh, ooh.
[Josh, muttering] Okay, 23, 53
[Kamara] Let's work out
how we're gonna weigh it first,
because I don't want to fiddle
too much with it.
So
[Kamara] Oh, this is 50.
- This is 50.
- Okay.
[Kamara] 50 is the middle ground,
so we'll put 50 on.
If the spider comes up too high,
that means that he's too light.
So, if the spider
comes up too high and it's 50,
then that means
the spider would be 23,
and if the spider drops low
and this comes up,
it means that it'll be 80.
But if they're quite balanced,
then it means that he's 53.
Does that make sense?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
So then we put 50 down
because that's the middle ground.
[Josh] My hair is on end.
- I'm telling you, I've got goosebumps.
- I don't want to have to do this.
[Josh] David Attenborough
can play with that all day long, but
Like, listen, I'm not on that.
No, I can't. It was alright
when it was scrunched up.
[Josh] Look. Look at that.
[Kamara] Can we just do it?
You're gonna get me scared out of it.
[tense music]
You got this, Bubs.
You got this, you got this.
Don't touch it with the scales.
That's it, Bubs, that's it.
Well done, Bubs.
That's it.
[Kamara, whispering] Okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
[Kamara gasps] Bubs, Bubs.
[music intensifies]
[Josh] Okay, so,
what did you see the scale do?
- What did you see the scale do?
- I didn't see.
[Josh] Give me that.
- Here, take that side.
- Get the box.
[Josh] Shit.
[Josh] Ugh.
[Kamara] That's it.
That's it.
Slowly. Go back to where you was.
Okay. That's it, that's it.
- [Josh] Watch the scale.
- Yep.
[Kamara] Okay, that's it, Bubs.
Wait, not too much.
- Okay, no sudden movements.
- [Josh] Okay.
[Kamara] Wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait!
He is
Wait, it's still moving,
don't get the box next to it.
Wait.
- Alright, alright.
- [Josh] It's 53.
- [Kamara] It's 53. Put him back in?
- Yeah.
[Kamara] Alright, come on, spidey.
[sighs] Come on, that's it.
That's it, that's it.
Yes, good boy. Go and get the lid.
[both gasping heavily]
I'm shaking.
Alright, we're saying it's 53, yeah?
- [Josh] Okay, alright.
- My legs, I'm shaking.
- [Kamara] 53?
- Yeah.
[switch beeps]
[button clacks]
[Controller] For fifty thousand pounds,
you chose option B.
Your answer is
[suspenseful music builds]
[Kamara, softly]
Come on, come on, come on.
Please.
- [Controller] Correct.
- [both] Yes!
[James Bond theme music tones]
- Wicked.
- Phew!
Hey, spidey!
You did it, baby. Bellissimo!
- [Kamara] You did really well.
- No, no. You did well.
[Kamara] Oh, man.
[phone dialling tone]
[James] Alright, Mum? It's James.
[Bone brothers' mum]
Hi, James, how are you?
- Buongiorno!
- [mum] Buongiorno! Where are you?
We're in Venice.
[mum] In Venice? Oh my gosh!
[James] We've won
twenty-five thousand pounds.
You've won twenty five thousand pounds?
Don't tell everyone, we'll get robbed.
Yeah, and we've basically done so
by measuring a snake.
[James] Listen, have a quick chat
with Joe, alright? We've got to shoot.
- Alright, Mother?
- Hi, darling. You okay?
Yeah, we've got it. 25 large.
You're doing really well.
You looking after him?
Yeah, he's behaving himself.
He's cut his knee
and he's ripped his shirt open.
But he's doing alright.
His brother's looking after him.
[mum] What did James say about a snake?
I heard snake, but I couldn't hear
exactly what he said.
You're breaking up a bit.
I think we'd better move on, yeah?
So, hopefully we'll see you
when we're fifty grand richer.
Good luck!
Bye, darling, bye. Love you both.
Bye-bye, now. Bye-bye.
[phone ringing]
Here we go.
[Controller] The next question,
for fifty thousand pounds.
Next question. Fifty grand.
[Controller] You'll find it
near St Mark's Square
Near St Mark's Square.
[Controller] On a yellow buoy,
out in the lagoon.
Out in the lagoon?
Oh my God.
[Controller] You must reach
this question by 7:00 p.m.
or your journey is over.
That's not the yellow buoy there, is it?
[Joey] I reckon it might be.
There's one straight in front of you.
I need a telescope.
[James] There's definitely
something out there.
[Joey] There's something
sitting on there, without a doubt.
[tense music]
- [James] Buongiorno.
- [Joey] How you doing?
[James] Could you take us
to the yellow buoy?
We just want to go to there,
pick something up, come back.
- [both] Please.
- [gondola man 1] Not possible, sir.
- Why not?
- Because there is the races, now.
They're doing a race?
Is there any other way
we can get around to go there?
[gondola man 1]
Not at the moment, it's closed.
- Area's closed.
- [James] But what can we do?
[Joey] We need to find a rogue gondolier.
Someone who's, you know
- [James] There's a motorboat there.
- Should we ask?
[James] Buongiorno, signor. Buongiorno.
My brother and me,
we need to get to the yellow buoy.
- [Joey] In your boat.
- [James] It's possible?
[man] No, no.
Polizia. Regatta. Closed now.
[James] Please.
Please. We have to get there.
- This is a life-changing opportunity.
- Okay.
- [man] Maybe half past six.
- [Joey] Half an hour?
- [man] 6:30.
- [both] 6:30?
- You'll take us?
- [man] Yeah.
[James] We must leave at 6:30, okay?
[Joey] Because we've got till seven, okay?
- [James] We'll see you here.
- [man] Okay.
[Joey] See you at half six. Thank you.
[suspenseful music]
[James] Do you know what this is?
A nightmare.
Because we're literally losing time.
It wasn't our fault
that we can't get out there.
We was here at five o'clock.
[James] I just hope
that we can actually go when he says.
[Joey] As soon as that hits
half six, we're in his boat.
- [Joey] That's got to be the one.
- Yeah, that's the one.
- [alarm beeps]
- [Joey] We got the time, yeah?
- [James] We've got to go.
- Let's go.
[James] Dude.
[Joey] Daniel, ready to go?
No, no. Look, the regatta.
- Daniel.
- [Daniel] It's the regatta, you cannot.
[Joey] As soon as that goes,
if we get in, can we go soon?
Wait. Stay here, wait.
[Joey] We're up against the clock.
We're up against the clock.
- [Joey] We're trying to be calm.
- [James] Yeah, we're trying to be calm.
- [James] We're really up against it.
- [Daniel] Calma.
Of all the days to do it,
a bloody regatta.
[James] Look how chilled he is,
he's having a fag on the boat
[Joey] He's chill,
but he ain't got fifty grand rested.
Has he?
We're looking at a life-changing
amount of money now.
[Joey] What's the time?
[James] We've got ten minutes.
They are finished. Come.
[Joey] Thank you so much.
[James chuckles]
[engine roars to life]
[James] We might just have
to get a little wriggle on.
[tense music]
[James] Alright, roll in
a bit closer there, Daniel, please.
Look at it,
it's tied round to the bloody chain.
[Joey] Yeah, I've got it.
[James] Alright, get in close, Daniel.
- [Joey] Get us in as best you can.
- [James] As best as you can.
[tense music continues]
[Joey] Ah! Can't get a grip.
Right, okay.
[James] Alright?
[Joey grunts]
[James grunts]
[Joey] Look, it's all roped up.
- I think first things first is
- [James] Get the rope undone.
How are we doing for time, James?
We can only do
what we can do at this point.
Let's try and get this out
as much as possible.
[Joey] Needs to be loosened
a little bit more.
Go on, that'll go. That'll go.
That'll go. [grunts]
Alright, let's get it down here.
[Joey] Do we answer it here
or do we get it back to shore?
We haven't got time,
we've got to answer it here.
[James] Let's do it here, mate.
Alright.
- [suitcase clicks open]
- [Joey] Well done.
[James] Here we go.
[Controller]
You are in the Venetian Lagoon.
From here you can see
the entrance to the grand canal.
This is one
of the busiest lagoons in the world,
with every kind of boat imaginable
moving around.
To prevent accidents and damage
to the foundations of Venice,
speed limits have been imposed.
[softly] Oh, for fuck's sake.
[Controller] For fifty thousand pounds,
in this lagoon where you are now,
what is the speed limit?
Two kilometres an hour.
Seven kilometres an hour.
Forty three kilometres an hour.
I reckon, I was just gonna say
seven kilometres an hour.
That's what I think it is.
I've seen boats going faster
than two kilometres an hour.
[Joey] But people break
speed limits, remember that.
- But 43 kilometres an hour is fast.
- That's a no.
That's a no-no.
- Can we agree that?
- I'm agreed with that.
Two kilometres an hour
[James] If I can jog
five kilometres an hour,
these boats can go faster than me,
even if they're trickling along
at a slow pace.
Well, I would run on a treadmill
at about eight kilometres an hour.
I think it's seven kilometres an hour.
It's got to be faster than two.
How fast is that boat going, over there?
[Joey] It looks faster
than two kilometres an hour.
I'm not saying it's rapid, but it's more
than two kilometres an hour.
- [Joey] And 43 is too fast.
- No way, no way.
- It's got to be seven.
- Let's just do it. Fuck it.
- I'm absolutely knackered.
- Alright, let's do it. Let's do it.
[James] You ready to go?
[cannister cracks open]
[both] Yes!
[both laughing] Yes!
- [Joey] Fifty grand up!
- [James] Fifty large!
[Joey] Oi oi!
[James] My student loan
is officially paid!
[both cheering loudly]
[James Bond theme music tones]
[Joey] In the words of Axl Rose,
welcome to the jungle.
We're going deep cover, man.
[James Bond theme music tones]