30 Rock s01e02 Episode Script

I thought Tracy was getting here at noon.
Movie stars move at their own pace, Liz.
We have to accommodate them.
Yeah, well, a lot of people are still upset about Tracy joining the show.
That's not my problem.
I have other things on my plate.
You hear about that chemical factory explosion outside of Colorado Springs? No.
Good.
All right, here he comes.
I just think when it comes to this whole Tracy thing, it's best to trlightly.
No, no, no.
Stop, stop.
Stop, stop.
It's just us.
Lemon, to tread lightly is your job.
My job is to keep Tracy Jordan happy.
Girls, girls, girls.
Let's save it for Mr.
Jordan.
Studio 68 is where we do The Girlie Show.
Did you all see Tracy Jordan make a special appearance the other night? Wasn't that exciting? That is what we in the show business like to call a "cameo.
" Hey, this is the star of The Girlie Show, Jenna Maroney.
Hi.
Thank you.
How do you feel, NBC tour? 'Cause you look good, like a solid gold candy bar! Where else do you have those piercings on your body? This is it, everybody.
Here he comes.
Stop, stop, stop.
It's only Jenna.
All right, it's just Jenna.
How you doing, Jenna? Okay, I mean granted, Tracy Jordan has some commercial appeal, but within his remunenerative body of work there's just nothing of value.
What are you talking about? Did you ever see his stand-up? Give up the butt, ladies.
Give up the butt.
This is it, I mean it.
Here he comes.
He's an imbecile.
Well, he's our imbecile now.
I'm just surprised he's still got his shirt-- Oh, there it goes.
Jack! Oh, my goodness! It's good to see you again, brother.
It's good to see you again.
Oh, that is fantastic.
You have to teach me that handshake one day.
Listen, Tracy, if there's anything you need, anything, you come to me.
Come on, Jack, you know I'm the kid.
I'm easy like Sunday morning.
Don't look at me! Do not look at me in the eyes.
Do not look at Mr.
Jordan! Do not look at him in the eye.
Just look away.
Look away.
Tracy, this is our producer, Pete.
Hey! Hey, Pete.
You smoke weed, right, Pete? Uh No.
Yeah, me neither.
Me and you, Pete.
Me and you.
Pete.
Good to see you.
Is it? Oh, good.
It's good to see you too.
'Cause that means I'm not fired anymore.
I wasn't gonna mention that.
But I did.
And now I'm talking about it.
Relax your balls, Pete.
Hey, everybody.
Tracy Jordan's here.
Don't just sit there.
Come and give me some sugar.
No, thank you.
Well if you ever want to piss off your parents, you come see me.
Right this way, Tracy.
This is Tim Grandy.
He's from Bowie, Maryland.
Rachel Baze, she just got engaged.
Josh Girard, he got 760 on his SATs.
Graduated from SUNY Courtland.
Frank Rossitano has every copy of Black Tail magazine ever published.
J.
D.
Lutz, thyroid problem.
James Spurlock, but we call him Toofer, because with him you get a "Two for One," he's a black guy and a Harvard guy.
And, of course, you know Lemon.
How did you do that? It's my job.
Jerry from set design.
Wally, cue cards.
Rupert Murdoch.
Melinda Gates.
Ziggy from the cartoon Ziggy.
Anthony Pellano.
Heidi Klum.
The guy that sleeps with Heidi Klum.
This man's a genius.
Let me just say, I'm excited to be here.
It's an honor for you to meet me.
I've got a lot of characters I'm ready to bust out.
I got a character named Biscuit.
Write that up.
Got a another character named Raylondo, who's a two-foot tall Spanish hustler.
Glasses, I want you to write that one.
Got another character named Ching Chong, who loves to play Ping Pong.
I just made that up right now.
'Cause that's how I flow.
Now I'm up for anything.
I thought me and you could play Seinfeld and Bill Cos-- No.
I don't like that.
How you doing? There is no way I am working with that guy! Do you know that he once got arrested for walking naked through LaGuardia? And that he once fell asleep on Ted Danson's roof? Yeah, Tracy has mental health issues-- He bit Dakota Fanning on the face! When you hear his version, she was kind of asking for it.
I can't even believe that you are doing this to me.
Listen, I understand that this is tough for you.
But what did I tell you? Not to freak out? Right.
And what else? Stop falling in love with gay guys? About this.
That you're looking out for me.
But it doesn't seem-- Jenna, I'm your friend.
I'm not going to let anything happen to you.
This show is called The Girlie Show, and you are the girl.
Nothing is going to change that.
Okay.
Glaub mir.
Diese "Advantium Microwaves" sind die beste.
How could you change the name of my show without telling me? Detlev, I'm gonna have to call you back.
Yeah, wunderbar.
Plowchops.
The Girlie Show is now T.
G.
S.
with Tracy Jordan? It tested very well with the focus groups.
If you say you like it, you can have some pizza.
You people like pizza? You need to tell Jenna that this whole thing was your idea and that I didn't know anything about it, and that she should be mad at you, not me.
Oh, sure.
Then we could sit around and braid each other's hair until we get our periods at the same time.
Look, Lemon, you're a supervisor.
These people are not your friends.
Yes, they are my friends.
No, they're your employees.
Well one of my employees is extremely mad at me.
Will you talk to her? No, because then you're not gonna learn anything.
You have to manage these people, Lemon.
It's your show.
You have the tools.
Now get out there and build the house, add on a pool, and throw yourself into the deep end.
What if I can't swim? Then I'll do what my father did when I was two.
Lure you to the edge of the pool with a puppy, and push you in.
Yikes.
Fine, I'll figure it out.
We're gonna be shooting some promos in an hour underneath the new sign.
So have your people write some stuff.
So I said, "Rick, this chick's got an Adam's apple.
" And Rick said to me, I'll never forget this.
He said, "Freaky deakies need love too.
Freaky deakies need love too.
" Charming.
So, how you doing over there, Theo Huxtable? I'm doing good.
Unh-unh.
Superman does good.
You're doing well.
You need to study your grammar, son.
Wow.
That was embarrassing for you.
I don't even have lines in these promos.
It's all Tracy he doesn't even mention me.
I'll fix that.
Just stay calm.
Stay calm? They changed the name of the show.
You said that you were looking out for me.
I am.
I will handle it.
Lemon, Lemon.
Can I be real with you? Yeah.
I haven't had a real job in like two years.
I'm not used to all these-- These cue cards and all of that.
Don't worry about the cue cards.
Look, you have two lines.
Just say, "Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, I'm bringing the black back to NBC.
" I'm proud as a peacock, baby.
" You don't even need these.
You're right.
I got this! Thanks for looking out for me, Lemon.
I'm gonna crush it.
Show these people how a movie star does it.
A little to your right, Tracy.
Okay, here we go.
In three, two-- Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan and I'm bringing the black back to NBC.
And I'm proud as a peacork, baby.
That's great, Tracy, but it's peacock.
What did I say? Peacork.
Peacock.
Think peacock.
Right, Jenna? In three, two-- Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC.
And I'm proud as a pea cock, baby.
Okay.
That time I think you may have hit it a little bit too hard.
Also, can you throw Jenna's name in there for me? In three, two-- Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC.
Right, Jenna Mulvaney? Maroney.
Rhymes with Baloney.
Here we go.
In three, two-- Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC.
And I'm proud as a peacock.
Right, Mabaloney? Nope.
In three, two-- Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan.
I'm black, NBC.
Very proud, like peacocks.
Right, Janet? I think we got it.
I think we got it.
Yeah, I think we did.
Okay, that was beyond insulting.
The guy doesn't even know my name.
Why do you love him so much? No, no, no, no! I don't love him.
Donaghy loves him.
That's it.
Pete can't stand him, Toofer thinks he's an idiot.
Even Cerie says he's a pig.
Frank likes his movies.
Frank also loves that video of the monkey smelling his own butt.
Mmm.
Nobody wants Tracy Jordan here except for certified non-genius Jack Donaghy.
Sorry to interrupt, Ms.
Maroney, but the sound guys want their microphone back.
So everyone can? Hear everything you are saying.
Yes, ma'am.
Oh my God.
I didn't use the N word, did I? Oh, no, no, no, Miss Maroney, you did not.
Oh, good.
I mean, I never would, but, you know-- Jenna, take the mic off! Sorry.
Oh, my God.
That was bad, right? It wasn't great.
Jack Donaghy wants to see you.
No, no, no.
Tell him I'm very busy.
Come in, she's very busy.
Mr.
Donaghy, I sincerely apologize.
I'm so embarrassed.
I guess you must be embarrassed if you're hiding in the storage closet.
This is my office.
Really? I see you bring a little feminine magic to everything you touch.
How did it go with Tracy Jordan when you apologized? I didn't think I needed to talk to him.
I mean, he's not my friend, he's my employee.
No, he's not your employee, he's your product.
Like it or not, you're in the Tracy Jordan business now.
And when you screw the pooch the way you did today, it's your responsibility to get in there and make things right.
How do I do that? I don't know.
I'm a non-genius.
I'm really sorry! Lunch break, that's a lunch break.
Back in 30 minutes.
Tracy, I hope I didn't hurt your feelings before.
Please.
You can't hurt me.
I did stand-up on the road.
A crowd once threw a motorcycle at me.
Good, 'cause, you know, I'm just trying to calm Jenna down.
'Cause she's kinda paranoid and neurotic, and your being is just bringing out all of her crazy.
Please don't think that everyone hates you.
Pete thinks that everybody's an idiot.
Especially Frank, who is an idiot.
Josh is just jealous 'cause you're gonna get more screen time than him.
And Toofer's just afraid of black people.
Which one is Toofer? The black guy.
Oh.
My point is, don't worry about them.
You are the only person that the network cares about.
Ms.
Lemon? I just wanted to let you know y'all are on the monitors right now.
Everyone can-- Hear you and see you.
Yes, ma'am.
Son of a mother! Paranoid? Well, that just confirms all my suspicions.
Sorry, everybody.
Hey, buddies.
All right, I deserve that.
But I didn't say anything about you guys that I wouldn't have said to your faces.
Fine.
The important thing is don't take this out on Tracy-- That dude sucks! Okay, are we going to talk about this like adults, or are you just gonna throw things at me? All right.
Okay, fine.
Get it out of your system.
Nothing that plugs in, you guys! Nothing that could really hurt me! Hello.
Lemon.
How are things in the deep end? Fine.
The staff is meshing together well? Oh, yes, yeah.
Good.
I'm counting on you.
We got to do something.
Let's crash my car to see if the air-bags go off.
Let me explain what I'm talking about first.
Everybody is mad.
At us.
Mostly mad at you.
Yeah, well, that's because Donaghy threw me into the deep end of a pool that I didn't even want to build in the first place! Look, I'm just saying, we both screwed up today.
I think we should make nice and buy everybody some pizza and some soft drinks-- Nah, nah, nah.
This is what we're gonna do, Lemon.
You're going to get everybody on my yacht.
Harbor cruise.
Drinks.
Togetherness.
That's great.
You have a yacht? I got a yacht.
I got a solid gold jet-ski.
Two Batmobiles.
The AIDS monkey's bones Welcome! Welcome to your fantasy! We're both hosting.
The ice cream bar was my idea.
This is surprisingly tasteful.
Oh, yeah.
I've taken this boat many places.
Miami, Tokyo, Denver.
What does that mean, Avanti Domani? What? The name of the boat.
Oh, that's Spanish for "remember your mother.
" No, I don't think it is.
Hello, boys.
I brought champagne.
I'm so glad you came.
Get away from me.
My Baloney! Look at you.
Wow.
Yeah, thanks.
Let me make you a drink.
You love apple martinis, right? Yes, how did you know that? I read your interview in Amtrak Magazine.
Really? You saw that? Mm-hmm.
Wow.
Did you know that all the writers in that magazine are also conductors? I didn't know that.
Hey, Toofer, see if I got any schnapps.
Good gravy.
This is a Dunwoody '62.
It's for you.
Take it, my friend.
Thank you.
That is just wasteful.
I hear you sing.
I didn't know that.
Why don't you sing something for me? Oh, no.
Nobody wants to hear that.
I do.
Some folks like to get away, take a holiday from the neighborhood Hop a flight to Miami Beach or to Hollywood Let's get out of here.
Is that a real song? It's going well, right? It has to, it has to go well.
Relax, everybody's having a great time.
How's Jenna? Furious and drunk.
But at least she's getting along with Tracy.
Well, he does know how to throw a party.
Think we're ever gonna leave the dock? I don't know.
The engines haveeen running for like three hours.
Hey, hey! Grizz! Grizz, don't wreck this boat! Grizz is driving the boat? Don't worry.
He was in the Navy.
I got one, I got one.
Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Cosby! What's the deal with pudding? I'm Bill Cosby.
Jell-o! Sweaters! Whoo! Yeah! That doesn't even sound like the Cos.
I'm gotta go lay down.
Got you on that one, man.
He got you again, man.
Get better references.
Tracy, thank you so much for doing this.
You totally saved me.
You don't have to thank me, Lemon.
We're a team now.
Like Batman and Robin.
Like chicken and a chicken container.
Hey, where's your bathroom? Second door on the right.
All right, let's do another one.
That's weird.
Por favor, no me dueles.
Me llamo María.
What? Please calling Ted and Nancy Peabody.
You tell Who Dat Ninja is on the boat.
What are you saying? Tracy Jordan is on the boat.
He no see me.
I hidden from him.
I hide from him.
Oh, my God.
It's Spanish for, "Remember Your Mother.
" I've taken this boat to Denver.
You can have that scotch.
Grizz was in the Navy! It's not his boat! Sir, you need to disembark immediately.
This is not his boat! We gotta get off this thing! This is not his boat! Disembark immediately.
Is this your boat? Disembark immediately.
Run! Jump! Get out of here! Good morning.
Morning.
Okay, you were right.
I'm sorry? I can't do this.
I can't manage these people.
It was a disaster.
What are you talking about? Everybody loved your little Lemon party.
I think it brings the team together like a harrowing experience.
You pulled it off.
Really? They bonded.
Good job.
Okay.
I guess now I just have to read about how Tracy Jordan tried to steal a boat.
No, I took care of that.
The Peabodys will be getting some free rides on the NBC jet.
There won't be anything in the papers at all.
Really? What about this? Well, I had to give them something.
Ugh.
Don't worry.
She's gonna love it.
That's just insulting.
Liz, Liz, did you see me in the Post? Oh, my God, it's so embarrassing.
Look how thin I look.
And look how many emails I've gotten.
It's not even Should I call Stern? You're welcome.