A Moody Christmas (2012) s01e02 Episode Script
Operation Sex Via the Homeless
(Sighs) MAREE: Sean, we're leaving! KEVIN: That's what you're wearing? Hey.
Dan, we weren't expecting you until tomorrow! Oh, Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas.
No way.
You said Christmas morning.
I called you from Heathrow, Sean, just before I boarded.
Yeah, exactly.
Meaning you get in tomorrow morning.
You're forgetting the time difference, mate.
We spoke 24 hours ago which means pick me up in 24 hours! Come on, you two, we are going to be late for carols.
No, Mum, I'm too tired.
I can't do it.
If I'm going, you're going.
Terry's singing.
We promised.
Yeah, he sings every year, doesn't he? Yeah, well this year we're embracing the spirit of Christmas.
No more fights, no more police.
It's love, compassion, generosity.
That's the Christmas we're going to have this year.
Or no Christmas presents.
Yeah, I know.
Come on, son.
Come here, come here.
Yeah? We spoke at 4pm, OK? But it's not 4pm in London for another nine hours, understand? I didn't travel through time, Sean.
There are meridians in the world, OK? S.
Moody Air.
Please give me a call.
You finally convinced him to join the family business, eh? No, no, he's S.
Moody Air - he's the competition.
He's profiteering off my good name with his dodgy knock-offs.
'S.
Moody Air.
' That boy's dead to me.
G'day, mate.
S.
Moody Air.
In a business sense.
He'll always be me son.
(Applause) Hey, Tez! Merry Christmas, everyone.
(Feedback) Hello, boys and girls.
This first song goes out to my lovely wife, Dashenka.
Bloody hell, here we go.
Wherever she may be.
Just came home one night and she was just gone.
Front door just akimbo.
Anyway, since she left me, I've had many a silent night.
1-2-3.
# Silent night # Hey, hey, hey.
# Holy night # Hey, come on.
18 hours away from peak ovulation.
You know the rules.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
HAYDEN: Hi.
How you going? Good to see you again, um, Cora.
Yeah, good to see you too Uh, Dan.
Yep.
I was the, um, really racist one.
Yeah, that's not ringing any bells.
Right, I was kind of crying a lot and I had an English accent, and throwing up.
Oh, throwing up, yes, I remember.
# Sleep in heavenly peace # Sleep in # Hey, if anybody's interested, I'm volunteering at the homeless shelter tomorrow.
No.
Nope.
Yeah, I'll come with.
Oh, Cora, great.
Try not to wake me.
(Chuckles) (Clears throat) Yeah, I'll come along too.
I'll probably be up from jet lag anyway, so What? Mate, you hate homeless people.
No, I don't.
BOTH: Yes, you do.
I don't.
I just, you know, thought Hate them.
like people who are enterprising, but that's I don't hate any (Weeps) (Cries) Oh, Tez.
(Feedback) Oh, my God.
(Feedback) SEAN: That, ladies and gentlemen, is the meltdown.
He's smashed.
You're right, Terry.
You're right, mate.
(Shrieks) What? You right there, Uncle Tez? You want some air-con? No thanks.
Hey, do you reckon we should Uncle Tez, do you think we should maybe go down, like Beecroft, into Martin Street? That way, or? Or maybe Torrington, behind the oval? I don't mind.
Actually, go Torrington.
Less lights.
Yeah, OK.
(Car horn) (Sighs) Geez, that chick on bass was pretty good.
Ruth? She's a lesbian.
Are you serious? Really, at her age? She must be 60.
Been with the same partner for 40 years.
It's just beautiful.
Dashenka and I had that kind of love.
When you know that person, you just feel it deep in your bones.
I did.
Is that before she emptied your bank account and took off in your EH? Fully restored, immaculate EH Holden - gone.
Before that.
You're never gonna have one of those again.
Not like that one.
(Weeps) God.
All the years you put into that thing.
The bloody, the sweat, not to mention the money.
(Cries) Dude.
I bloody loved that car.
I'll never have another car now.
(Cries) There you go.
Hey, you probably don't remember, but did you ever get an email that, uh Yeah, yeah, I got that one.
Right.
It's just 'cause a friend sent it - not me.
He thought it'd be funny, but it was actually, um It was actually just this fold here, like a close up of that - not an actual bum.
Yeah.
I don't need to see that again.
OK.
It's just you didn't respond after that, so I didn't know That is not the reason I didn't respond to the email.
Merry Christmas, mate.
Ah, yeah, you too mate.
Have a great day.
So you do hate homeless people.
I don't hate homeless people.
There you go.
You don't want to touch them.
Even kissing's more hygienic than shaking hands - everybody knows that.
Do they? Yes.
Well, off you go then.
Well uh Hey, there you go.
Some bacon and, uh, some sausage and, um Merry Christmas.
Wow, that was gross.
What? It's not gross.
That was disgusting.
We're here to serve food, Dan.
Don't be so judgemental.
Not to make out with the guests.
Not making out.
It was a friendly Christmas kiss on the cheek.
It was a pash.
No, not a pash.
Not a pash.
I think you were just being a bit single-minded.
He's a bad man.
Uh (Weeps) I (Cries) He touched me.
Banned from a homeless centre is unbelievable.
How was I supposed to know she was an abuse victim? I was being nice.
She put me up to it.
I did.
I forced him to do it.
Look, I've got to go and pick up Chris.
Who's Chris? A guest.
Spirit of Christmas, remember? OK.
Cora, can you give Dan a lift? Yeah, sure.
Hopefully, he won't try and kiss YOU.
(Both giggle awkwardly) So you, um you never said why you stopped emailing.
Oh, I got a new email 'cause of my label.
Right.
And you lost mine, or? Uh, it just didn't feel right, you know, with Hayden.
Yeah.
Um No, Dan Just.
Dan, you can show me the bum photo-thing.
I just wanted to apologise for what happened in there.
That's not what I No, no, no, you don't have to be worried.
I'm not Help! It was inappropriate what I did.
Help! Wait, wait! Thanks, mate.
(Hums tune) Hey, good Samaritans.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
What's that smell? This is Linda, everyone.
We met at the shelter this morning.
I've invited her to stay for Christmas lunch.
Uncle Terry, this is Linda.
Linda.
Terry Moody.
Hello, Terry.
Been a bit, uh, down on your luck? You could say that.
Yeah, I too have been there.
My wife recently left me.
Oi, mate, mate.
Genius prank.
The look on your old man's face was priceless.
Surprised you didn't think of it.
It's not a prank.
She's She a hobogram? A what? You've lived in London and dunno what a hobogram is? They're like strippers except instead of coming out of a cake, it's, like, a wheelie bin.
No, I haven't come across it, but Like, it's a fetish thing.
Dan's invited her to spend Christmas Day with us, which I think is very nice.
Spirit of Christmas and all.
Uh, yes, yes.
Uh, we've met.
Are you OK to be here? Oh, yeah, your son's been really nice.
We've sorted it all out.
Uh, Maree, Dan, can I have a word? What? What? (Chuckles) G'day, everyone, I'm Chris.
I've been invited to Christmas lunch, as well.
You homeless too? Uh, no.
Pong aside, we don't know anything about her.
She might be dangerous.
What about the spirit of Christmas? Well, that's why I invited Chris.
What, the gay guy from your work? We talked about that, remember? His family was awful to him when he came out, so we'll show him what a nice family can be.
By subjecting him to ours? Well, how are we meant to relax and enjoy ourselves when there are people at the table we don't even know? Exactly.
/ You behave yourselves, and you get presents at the end of the day.
Mum, we're not five years old.
Well, you can't threaten us with presents, Maree.
(Chuckles) OK, well if no-one wants a telescopic carbon rod with a tangle-free sensor tip I don't even know what that is.
It's a fishing rod.
Love, compassion, generosity.
No fighting, no presents.
Understood? Sensor tips are really responsive.
Yeah.
Really put your foot down there, big Kev.
(Hayden speaks indistinctly) Awesome, thank you.
That's excellent.
I see what you're doing.
What, drinking? Linda.
Linda? Linda.
Linda? Linda.
Linda.
Cora.
Sean Mm.
Linda, Cora.
'Oh, Dan! Oh, Dan!' I invited Linda because I think Mum's right.
Helping others is actually what this day's all about, so Oh, no, I totally agree.
Using a dero to impress your cousin's girlfriend is exactly what Christmas is all about.
Is that Leviticus? Thou shalt use foul-smelling wenches for my cousin's girlfriend's neighbour's arse? Dan, could you pass the gravy please, love? Sure, Gra-Gra.
Hey, Dan, if you're doing favours, Cora's got something to ask you.
Oh, no, I don't.
Go on.
Just ask him.
No, stop it.
So you just went up to him and said, 'Dad, I'm gay.
Deal with it.
' No, no, he just sort of dropped in unexpectedly and found me with a friend.
Oh, no way! Did he go mental? Oh, he didn't take too kindly to it.
Were you like fully into it, on into the sugary strokes? Sean! People wanna know.
I wanna know.
Um, this wine's beautiful.
Where'd you get it from? It's a pinot, but it really packs a punch.
Beautiful.
It's a French wine Ah, don't even think about it.
We all thought Dan was gay once.
HAYDEN: We were convinced.
Remember that? Hang on, so you're not gay? Don't encourage them.
Jury's still out.
Oh, Linda.
Um, why don't you take a seat, just at the end.
Excuse me.
I just have to get something.
Thanks for the shower, eh? I hope you don't mind, Kev, I borrowed your razor.
Oh, right.
Thought I'd freshen up the old pits and bikini line for Chrissy.
TERRY: That's a bit revealing.
Urgh! So, um, how's S.
Moody Air going, Sean? Yeah, it's good mate.
If you're in the market, Acron 258s, fully installed, $299.
Acron don't make a 258.
That's funny, 'cause I got a garage full of 'em.
Yeah, maybe they're cheap imitations.
Don't think so.
Top-of-the-line stuff, Dad.
I offer you a partnership and you betray me.
And if you want to work together so badly, come work for me - I'm hiring.
(Scoffs) Me come.
MAREE: Kevin! Um, where are the bathrooms? Right through there, Chris, mate.
Thanks.
You've never used Acron, don't know anything about Acron or the 258 models.
You're profiteering off my good name - the Moody name! We're both Moody, Dad.
Want me to make up a fake name? Not till you've had 30 years experience.
You're not even 30.
I've been around it my whole life Shut up! I told you - no fighting in front of the guests.
Chris, you find it OK, mate? Yeah.
Yeah, thanks.
(Bleeping) Ah, OK.
We're on.
Bridge! What? What? Look, I know it's Christmas, but it's also a peak ovulation day for me.
I can't afford to miss this opportunity.
Oh, gross.
Come on.
Enjoy your meal, everyone.
Terry, you might want to let that breathe It's been in there for a while, so it's Linda won't care.
/fon There you go.
Yeah.
Wish we'd brought those magazines.
(Moans erotically) (Bed squeaks) Come on.
Lunch is getting cold, Roger.
Yep, yep.
We couldn't really afford presents when I was a kid.
I remember once, I'd lost the only doll I'd ever had, Polly.
I was devastated.
Then on Christmas morning, my brother Bill gave me a package wrapped in newspaper.
Inside was Polly.
He'd taken her, given her a clean and wrapped her for me because he knew I wouldn't be getting anything else.
How's that a present? That's a lovely story, Linda.
Yeah, but returning something you've nicked isn't a present.
Look, you don't have to be a poopy man about it.
What? BRIDGET: Now go.
Go, go, go! Hang on, is that MY room? (Grunting) Kev, why don't you put music on while I get some pudding? Is t Are they in my room, Mum? We'll get some pudding.
Mum, no! They can't be.
Mum! No, I'll just Oh.
So when you say you 'move around a bit', what are we talking - shelters? Oh, on a good night.
Often it's just a park or a bus stop, you know? Have you ever tried Jeffrey's Reserve? Can't say that I have.
Oh, it's a very nice little park, very near here.
Near the old Buckley Power Station.
You just head down East Parade and across the railway bridge.
Very secluded spot.
Almost westerly aspect, looks out across the water.
Oh, sounds lovely.
Yes, it's stunning.
Plenty of shelter under the bridge there, too.
Location, location.
It's not like there's anything wrong.
/font The doctors think it might just be Roger's sperm swimming in the wrong direction.
Oh, la-la-la.
No-one cares.
Go away.
Bro time.
We'll talk later.
And stay out of my room.
Pervert.
OK, so, surprisingly, it looks like Operation Homeless Heart of Gold is actually working.
What? Cora.
Apparently, she's thinking of moving to London, so Hayden reckons.
Well, played, my friend.
I'm sure she's gonna travel halfway around the world because of me, Sean.
KEVIN: Sean! Telephone! Yeah, you're right, yeah.
It's probably just a coincidence.
(Chatter) Well, yes, it must be very frustrating when you're expecting a quality air-con Who is it? .
.
you get a rubbish one.
Uh, at this point, I must stress that Moody Air, which has been in business for 30 years, is in no way affiliated with S.
Moody Air.
Now, here's Sean.
Hello, how can I help you? Yep.
Oh, OK.
Yes.
We should be able to get one of our technicians over there to have a look at that for you today.
Yeah, just a second.
This is a private call.
(Sniggers) Sorry about that.
Yeah I know, I know.
I know.
I Yes, if I could just Let me just talk to our office manager.
Just a second.
(DEEPER VOICE) Yeah, g'day, this is Jack, the office manager.
(Yawns) Big day? Oh, yeah.
Still got a few innings to get through yet, so We had a miscarriage, not long after last Christmas, so hence the, uh, extra workload.
Oh.
Wow.
(Chuckles) Um, you look like you need a drink.
Oh, no, I'm not really into fizzy drinks, so Um, I think you'll like this one.
Oh, thank you, but no.
Um, oh, this lemonade is a smooth, excellent vintage, low tannin and no fizz.
I have sensitive teeth.
I don't like a lot of sugar.
I have to use special toothpaste Roger, it's a wine, mate.
Unless you want to duck off to the back alley and (Slurps) Beaujolais? Oui.
(Animated chatter) Hello? (Shouting) Hi.
Merry Christmas.
Is it? I've got three kids going crazy in there, no help and thanks to that piece of shit air-conditioner you sold me, it's a 100 fucking degrees in there.
Now look what you've done.
Thanks very much.
I should (Baby screams) Babe, babe, come here, come here.
Dan has offered to take photos for your portfolio.
Oh, are are you sure? 'Cause you don't have to.
You'd rather pay someone else a couple of hundred bucks to do it? Seriously? It's fine, I'm happy to do it.
See? He's happy to do it, he's family.
And God knows, I've given enough financial advice over the years to earn a couple of photos.
Never had any financial advice, but Mm, but I would.
That's the point.
And Sean's racked up a couple of hours, right? Do you know what I earn per hour Hayden, don't talk about what you earn.
Just saying it'd be more than he'd earn for his photos, that's all.
It's not a putdown.
It is a putdown.
It's just a fact! Art versus business.
It's the cold, hard truth or the universe.
BOY 1: Hurry up! BOY 2: Shut up! Hurry up! You broke it! No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
(Banging) Stop, you're breaking it! Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, keep it down, please.
Shut up, loser.
You're breaking it! I'm not.
It's already broken.
OK, OK, give it, give it.
Give it back! No.
Give it, it's mine! Stop it, stop it.
(Game sound effects) See, see, it's not broken.
You don't just hit things.
Hey, try that again, mate, and I'll wish your Dad was here.
OK, OK.
Alright.
(All shriek) Bring it! Bring it! Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Now this is happening.
Now this is happening.
Now this is happening.
That's great.
OK, that's that good.
So I, uh, I hear you might be moving to London.
Maybe.
Yeah, I guess it depends.
Depends on? Several factors.
Do you mind just doing up the Oh, sure.
Several factors and Yeah.
Why? Oh, uh, no, nothing.
Doesn't matter.
It's Do you think that you're one of the factors, do you? What? No, of course It's, um Just turn around.
'Cause I'm obviously not.
I know that's um I mean, don't get me wrong, last Christmas was, um You know, and I sent a few emails that might have implied certain things.
So you don't want me to come? No, no, I just It's just I work a lot around the place - different places - and I don't want you uprooting your whole life for something that might Dan, I'm coming over for you.
I don't care how busy you are.
I'm wiling to wait forever.
I mean, if you're shooting in the Arctic Circle and we're living in an igloo, I'm happy to sit outside and fight off the polar bears.
OK.
Yeah.
Right.
If I freeze to death, I'm willing to do that for you.
OK, good, excellent It would have It would have nothing to do with the several famous fashion colleges I've been dying to get into.
OK, great, I got it.
That's, uh, that's probably Yeah, we're probably done with that one, if you want to change.
Yeah, anyway, um, full refund, obviously.
And, um, I'll send someone around to replace the motor for you.
OK, no worries.
Cool.
Bye, Mummy's friend! See you, buddy.
Merry Christmas.
You too.
Thank you for doing that.
Yeah, no problem.
Just one quick question - if you didn't want me to take your photos then why did you bring all your stuff? Ah, well, I guess I Hey.
Hey, buddy.
Had 'em in the car and Yeah.
What are you doing?! BRIDGET: Shut the door! God! Get out! Serious? It wasn't locked.
Mum, they're in my room again! Yeah, and his shirt was in the car the whole time.
He had no idea.
Here he is - Mr Customer Service on Christmas Day.
Oh, no, it was actually all good, Dad.
The kid just knocked the plug out, so Really? Yeah, yeah.
Haydos, cricket, let's go.
You're batting.
Come on.
Boo-yaa! How'd the photo shoot go? Yeah, it was great.
It was good, fine, for a backyard thing.
You get what you pay for, I guess.
I know a guy if you wanna do 'em again.
MAN: How big's your run-up? He was really good.
Ooh! Hey! You're out.
MAN: Bowler up.
No run.
Tez, have a go.
Take a run, Dan.
Full run-up.
Patience, my young Padwan.
Play every ball on its merits.
Let's go, Dan.
(All shout) No.
No LBW in backyard cricket.
You're gone.
You know that.
Terry! Terry, you're out! ALL: Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Alright! OK, I will retire under duress, but I want that noted on the score record there, Roger.
(All cheer) Get out.
Alright, big Kev, you're bat.
No, he's had a bat.
Let's give Linda a bat.
Where's Linda? ALL: Linda? Linda? Where is she? No, no, no! No! Nuh, I can't see her, she's gone.
She's taken all the food, too.
All my good Tupperware, gone.
Tupperware? She's nicked my PS3.
How could she do this to us? Everyone, just remain quiet and calm.
I've actually made plans to go to karaoke with Linda this week, so I'll have a word with her then.
I'm sure there's a very reasonable explanation.
Yeah, I'm sure she'll be there, Terry.
BRIDGET: We should call the police.
The Christmas spirit.
Yeah, look where it gets you.
Well done, Dan.
You brought a thief into the house.
Oh, it's not Dan's fault.
Well, it is a little bit.
I mean, if he hadn't have kissed her.
Eh? What?! Thanks.
Thank you very much, Daniel.
I didn't Haven't I been the big fooly man then.
I didn't kiss-kiss her.
So all day you've been cutting my grass.
Well, I'm not going to karaoke now.
(Bleeping) What is that? No.
No.
No! OK, YOU ruined Christmas.
And you two made it gross.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Maybe I will go to karaoke.
Just drop in, just in case.
Terry, you do what you like, mate.
That's what I'll do.
This is my new email, but it's strictly for those photos.
No bum photos.
Absolutely.
I was just giving him the photos details.
Sweet.
Well, um, see you later, mate.
See you.
See you.
So, Operation Have Sex Via the Homeless failed and we all paid the price.
I'm so angry with you right now, I can't even You ruined Christmas.
(Animated chatter) BRIDGET: Sean, just give me one second, please.
Just one second.
Use the toilet.
About that night Don't.
No.
Don't Can you tell the difference between a man's ear and a woman's in the dark? Close your eyes and just Will you touch We're doing alright, aren't we? Yeah, we're going great.
Um, as are you, Mrs Moody.
You give my wife lingerie?! You're a lucky man, Kev.
I'll kill ya! Come here! Nah.
Actually, no.
Sorry.
You sh No.
(Shivers)
Dan, we weren't expecting you until tomorrow! Oh, Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas.
No way.
You said Christmas morning.
I called you from Heathrow, Sean, just before I boarded.
Yeah, exactly.
Meaning you get in tomorrow morning.
You're forgetting the time difference, mate.
We spoke 24 hours ago which means pick me up in 24 hours! Come on, you two, we are going to be late for carols.
No, Mum, I'm too tired.
I can't do it.
If I'm going, you're going.
Terry's singing.
We promised.
Yeah, he sings every year, doesn't he? Yeah, well this year we're embracing the spirit of Christmas.
No more fights, no more police.
It's love, compassion, generosity.
That's the Christmas we're going to have this year.
Or no Christmas presents.
Yeah, I know.
Come on, son.
Come here, come here.
Yeah? We spoke at 4pm, OK? But it's not 4pm in London for another nine hours, understand? I didn't travel through time, Sean.
There are meridians in the world, OK? S.
Moody Air.
Please give me a call.
You finally convinced him to join the family business, eh? No, no, he's S.
Moody Air - he's the competition.
He's profiteering off my good name with his dodgy knock-offs.
'S.
Moody Air.
' That boy's dead to me.
G'day, mate.
S.
Moody Air.
In a business sense.
He'll always be me son.
(Applause) Hey, Tez! Merry Christmas, everyone.
(Feedback) Hello, boys and girls.
This first song goes out to my lovely wife, Dashenka.
Bloody hell, here we go.
Wherever she may be.
Just came home one night and she was just gone.
Front door just akimbo.
Anyway, since she left me, I've had many a silent night.
1-2-3.
# Silent night # Hey, hey, hey.
# Holy night # Hey, come on.
18 hours away from peak ovulation.
You know the rules.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
HAYDEN: Hi.
How you going? Good to see you again, um, Cora.
Yeah, good to see you too Uh, Dan.
Yep.
I was the, um, really racist one.
Yeah, that's not ringing any bells.
Right, I was kind of crying a lot and I had an English accent, and throwing up.
Oh, throwing up, yes, I remember.
# Sleep in heavenly peace # Sleep in # Hey, if anybody's interested, I'm volunteering at the homeless shelter tomorrow.
No.
Nope.
Yeah, I'll come with.
Oh, Cora, great.
Try not to wake me.
(Chuckles) (Clears throat) Yeah, I'll come along too.
I'll probably be up from jet lag anyway, so What? Mate, you hate homeless people.
No, I don't.
BOTH: Yes, you do.
I don't.
I just, you know, thought Hate them.
like people who are enterprising, but that's I don't hate any (Weeps) (Cries) Oh, Tez.
(Feedback) Oh, my God.
(Feedback) SEAN: That, ladies and gentlemen, is the meltdown.
He's smashed.
You're right, Terry.
You're right, mate.
(Shrieks) What? You right there, Uncle Tez? You want some air-con? No thanks.
Hey, do you reckon we should Uncle Tez, do you think we should maybe go down, like Beecroft, into Martin Street? That way, or? Or maybe Torrington, behind the oval? I don't mind.
Actually, go Torrington.
Less lights.
Yeah, OK.
(Car horn) (Sighs) Geez, that chick on bass was pretty good.
Ruth? She's a lesbian.
Are you serious? Really, at her age? She must be 60.
Been with the same partner for 40 years.
It's just beautiful.
Dashenka and I had that kind of love.
When you know that person, you just feel it deep in your bones.
I did.
Is that before she emptied your bank account and took off in your EH? Fully restored, immaculate EH Holden - gone.
Before that.
You're never gonna have one of those again.
Not like that one.
(Weeps) God.
All the years you put into that thing.
The bloody, the sweat, not to mention the money.
(Cries) Dude.
I bloody loved that car.
I'll never have another car now.
(Cries) There you go.
Hey, you probably don't remember, but did you ever get an email that, uh Yeah, yeah, I got that one.
Right.
It's just 'cause a friend sent it - not me.
He thought it'd be funny, but it was actually, um It was actually just this fold here, like a close up of that - not an actual bum.
Yeah.
I don't need to see that again.
OK.
It's just you didn't respond after that, so I didn't know That is not the reason I didn't respond to the email.
Merry Christmas, mate.
Ah, yeah, you too mate.
Have a great day.
So you do hate homeless people.
I don't hate homeless people.
There you go.
You don't want to touch them.
Even kissing's more hygienic than shaking hands - everybody knows that.
Do they? Yes.
Well, off you go then.
Well uh Hey, there you go.
Some bacon and, uh, some sausage and, um Merry Christmas.
Wow, that was gross.
What? It's not gross.
That was disgusting.
We're here to serve food, Dan.
Don't be so judgemental.
Not to make out with the guests.
Not making out.
It was a friendly Christmas kiss on the cheek.
It was a pash.
No, not a pash.
Not a pash.
I think you were just being a bit single-minded.
He's a bad man.
Uh (Weeps) I (Cries) He touched me.
Banned from a homeless centre is unbelievable.
How was I supposed to know she was an abuse victim? I was being nice.
She put me up to it.
I did.
I forced him to do it.
Look, I've got to go and pick up Chris.
Who's Chris? A guest.
Spirit of Christmas, remember? OK.
Cora, can you give Dan a lift? Yeah, sure.
Hopefully, he won't try and kiss YOU.
(Both giggle awkwardly) So you, um you never said why you stopped emailing.
Oh, I got a new email 'cause of my label.
Right.
And you lost mine, or? Uh, it just didn't feel right, you know, with Hayden.
Yeah.
Um No, Dan Just.
Dan, you can show me the bum photo-thing.
I just wanted to apologise for what happened in there.
That's not what I No, no, no, you don't have to be worried.
I'm not Help! It was inappropriate what I did.
Help! Wait, wait! Thanks, mate.
(Hums tune) Hey, good Samaritans.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
What's that smell? This is Linda, everyone.
We met at the shelter this morning.
I've invited her to stay for Christmas lunch.
Uncle Terry, this is Linda.
Linda.
Terry Moody.
Hello, Terry.
Been a bit, uh, down on your luck? You could say that.
Yeah, I too have been there.
My wife recently left me.
Oi, mate, mate.
Genius prank.
The look on your old man's face was priceless.
Surprised you didn't think of it.
It's not a prank.
She's She a hobogram? A what? You've lived in London and dunno what a hobogram is? They're like strippers except instead of coming out of a cake, it's, like, a wheelie bin.
No, I haven't come across it, but Like, it's a fetish thing.
Dan's invited her to spend Christmas Day with us, which I think is very nice.
Spirit of Christmas and all.
Uh, yes, yes.
Uh, we've met.
Are you OK to be here? Oh, yeah, your son's been really nice.
We've sorted it all out.
Uh, Maree, Dan, can I have a word? What? What? (Chuckles) G'day, everyone, I'm Chris.
I've been invited to Christmas lunch, as well.
You homeless too? Uh, no.
Pong aside, we don't know anything about her.
She might be dangerous.
What about the spirit of Christmas? Well, that's why I invited Chris.
What, the gay guy from your work? We talked about that, remember? His family was awful to him when he came out, so we'll show him what a nice family can be.
By subjecting him to ours? Well, how are we meant to relax and enjoy ourselves when there are people at the table we don't even know? Exactly.
/ You behave yourselves, and you get presents at the end of the day.
Mum, we're not five years old.
Well, you can't threaten us with presents, Maree.
(Chuckles) OK, well if no-one wants a telescopic carbon rod with a tangle-free sensor tip I don't even know what that is.
It's a fishing rod.
Love, compassion, generosity.
No fighting, no presents.
Understood? Sensor tips are really responsive.
Yeah.
Really put your foot down there, big Kev.
(Hayden speaks indistinctly) Awesome, thank you.
That's excellent.
I see what you're doing.
What, drinking? Linda.
Linda? Linda.
Linda? Linda.
Linda.
Cora.
Sean Mm.
Linda, Cora.
'Oh, Dan! Oh, Dan!' I invited Linda because I think Mum's right.
Helping others is actually what this day's all about, so Oh, no, I totally agree.
Using a dero to impress your cousin's girlfriend is exactly what Christmas is all about.
Is that Leviticus? Thou shalt use foul-smelling wenches for my cousin's girlfriend's neighbour's arse? Dan, could you pass the gravy please, love? Sure, Gra-Gra.
Hey, Dan, if you're doing favours, Cora's got something to ask you.
Oh, no, I don't.
Go on.
Just ask him.
No, stop it.
So you just went up to him and said, 'Dad, I'm gay.
Deal with it.
' No, no, he just sort of dropped in unexpectedly and found me with a friend.
Oh, no way! Did he go mental? Oh, he didn't take too kindly to it.
Were you like fully into it, on into the sugary strokes? Sean! People wanna know.
I wanna know.
Um, this wine's beautiful.
Where'd you get it from? It's a pinot, but it really packs a punch.
Beautiful.
It's a French wine Ah, don't even think about it.
We all thought Dan was gay once.
HAYDEN: We were convinced.
Remember that? Hang on, so you're not gay? Don't encourage them.
Jury's still out.
Oh, Linda.
Um, why don't you take a seat, just at the end.
Excuse me.
I just have to get something.
Thanks for the shower, eh? I hope you don't mind, Kev, I borrowed your razor.
Oh, right.
Thought I'd freshen up the old pits and bikini line for Chrissy.
TERRY: That's a bit revealing.
Urgh! So, um, how's S.
Moody Air going, Sean? Yeah, it's good mate.
If you're in the market, Acron 258s, fully installed, $299.
Acron don't make a 258.
That's funny, 'cause I got a garage full of 'em.
Yeah, maybe they're cheap imitations.
Don't think so.
Top-of-the-line stuff, Dad.
I offer you a partnership and you betray me.
And if you want to work together so badly, come work for me - I'm hiring.
(Scoffs) Me come.
MAREE: Kevin! Um, where are the bathrooms? Right through there, Chris, mate.
Thanks.
You've never used Acron, don't know anything about Acron or the 258 models.
You're profiteering off my good name - the Moody name! We're both Moody, Dad.
Want me to make up a fake name? Not till you've had 30 years experience.
You're not even 30.
I've been around it my whole life Shut up! I told you - no fighting in front of the guests.
Chris, you find it OK, mate? Yeah.
Yeah, thanks.
(Bleeping) Ah, OK.
We're on.
Bridge! What? What? Look, I know it's Christmas, but it's also a peak ovulation day for me.
I can't afford to miss this opportunity.
Oh, gross.
Come on.
Enjoy your meal, everyone.
Terry, you might want to let that breathe It's been in there for a while, so it's Linda won't care.
/fon There you go.
Yeah.
Wish we'd brought those magazines.
(Moans erotically) (Bed squeaks) Come on.
Lunch is getting cold, Roger.
Yep, yep.
We couldn't really afford presents when I was a kid.
I remember once, I'd lost the only doll I'd ever had, Polly.
I was devastated.
Then on Christmas morning, my brother Bill gave me a package wrapped in newspaper.
Inside was Polly.
He'd taken her, given her a clean and wrapped her for me because he knew I wouldn't be getting anything else.
How's that a present? That's a lovely story, Linda.
Yeah, but returning something you've nicked isn't a present.
Look, you don't have to be a poopy man about it.
What? BRIDGET: Now go.
Go, go, go! Hang on, is that MY room? (Grunting) Kev, why don't you put music on while I get some pudding? Is t Are they in my room, Mum? We'll get some pudding.
Mum, no! They can't be.
Mum! No, I'll just Oh.
So when you say you 'move around a bit', what are we talking - shelters? Oh, on a good night.
Often it's just a park or a bus stop, you know? Have you ever tried Jeffrey's Reserve? Can't say that I have.
Oh, it's a very nice little park, very near here.
Near the old Buckley Power Station.
You just head down East Parade and across the railway bridge.
Very secluded spot.
Almost westerly aspect, looks out across the water.
Oh, sounds lovely.
Yes, it's stunning.
Plenty of shelter under the bridge there, too.
Location, location.
It's not like there's anything wrong.
/font The doctors think it might just be Roger's sperm swimming in the wrong direction.
Oh, la-la-la.
No-one cares.
Go away.
Bro time.
We'll talk later.
And stay out of my room.
Pervert.
OK, so, surprisingly, it looks like Operation Homeless Heart of Gold is actually working.
What? Cora.
Apparently, she's thinking of moving to London, so Hayden reckons.
Well, played, my friend.
I'm sure she's gonna travel halfway around the world because of me, Sean.
KEVIN: Sean! Telephone! Yeah, you're right, yeah.
It's probably just a coincidence.
(Chatter) Well, yes, it must be very frustrating when you're expecting a quality air-con Who is it? .
.
you get a rubbish one.
Uh, at this point, I must stress that Moody Air, which has been in business for 30 years, is in no way affiliated with S.
Moody Air.
Now, here's Sean.
Hello, how can I help you? Yep.
Oh, OK.
Yes.
We should be able to get one of our technicians over there to have a look at that for you today.
Yeah, just a second.
This is a private call.
(Sniggers) Sorry about that.
Yeah I know, I know.
I know.
I Yes, if I could just Let me just talk to our office manager.
Just a second.
(DEEPER VOICE) Yeah, g'day, this is Jack, the office manager.
(Yawns) Big day? Oh, yeah.
Still got a few innings to get through yet, so We had a miscarriage, not long after last Christmas, so hence the, uh, extra workload.
Oh.
Wow.
(Chuckles) Um, you look like you need a drink.
Oh, no, I'm not really into fizzy drinks, so Um, I think you'll like this one.
Oh, thank you, but no.
Um, oh, this lemonade is a smooth, excellent vintage, low tannin and no fizz.
I have sensitive teeth.
I don't like a lot of sugar.
I have to use special toothpaste Roger, it's a wine, mate.
Unless you want to duck off to the back alley and (Slurps) Beaujolais? Oui.
(Animated chatter) Hello? (Shouting) Hi.
Merry Christmas.
Is it? I've got three kids going crazy in there, no help and thanks to that piece of shit air-conditioner you sold me, it's a 100 fucking degrees in there.
Now look what you've done.
Thanks very much.
I should (Baby screams) Babe, babe, come here, come here.
Dan has offered to take photos for your portfolio.
Oh, are are you sure? 'Cause you don't have to.
You'd rather pay someone else a couple of hundred bucks to do it? Seriously? It's fine, I'm happy to do it.
See? He's happy to do it, he's family.
And God knows, I've given enough financial advice over the years to earn a couple of photos.
Never had any financial advice, but Mm, but I would.
That's the point.
And Sean's racked up a couple of hours, right? Do you know what I earn per hour Hayden, don't talk about what you earn.
Just saying it'd be more than he'd earn for his photos, that's all.
It's not a putdown.
It is a putdown.
It's just a fact! Art versus business.
It's the cold, hard truth or the universe.
BOY 1: Hurry up! BOY 2: Shut up! Hurry up! You broke it! No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
(Banging) Stop, you're breaking it! Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, keep it down, please.
Shut up, loser.
You're breaking it! I'm not.
It's already broken.
OK, OK, give it, give it.
Give it back! No.
Give it, it's mine! Stop it, stop it.
(Game sound effects) See, see, it's not broken.
You don't just hit things.
Hey, try that again, mate, and I'll wish your Dad was here.
OK, OK.
Alright.
(All shriek) Bring it! Bring it! Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Now this is happening.
Now this is happening.
Now this is happening.
That's great.
OK, that's that good.
So I, uh, I hear you might be moving to London.
Maybe.
Yeah, I guess it depends.
Depends on? Several factors.
Do you mind just doing up the Oh, sure.
Several factors and Yeah.
Why? Oh, uh, no, nothing.
Doesn't matter.
It's Do you think that you're one of the factors, do you? What? No, of course It's, um Just turn around.
'Cause I'm obviously not.
I know that's um I mean, don't get me wrong, last Christmas was, um You know, and I sent a few emails that might have implied certain things.
So you don't want me to come? No, no, I just It's just I work a lot around the place - different places - and I don't want you uprooting your whole life for something that might Dan, I'm coming over for you.
I don't care how busy you are.
I'm wiling to wait forever.
I mean, if you're shooting in the Arctic Circle and we're living in an igloo, I'm happy to sit outside and fight off the polar bears.
OK.
Yeah.
Right.
If I freeze to death, I'm willing to do that for you.
OK, good, excellent It would have It would have nothing to do with the several famous fashion colleges I've been dying to get into.
OK, great, I got it.
That's, uh, that's probably Yeah, we're probably done with that one, if you want to change.
Yeah, anyway, um, full refund, obviously.
And, um, I'll send someone around to replace the motor for you.
OK, no worries.
Cool.
Bye, Mummy's friend! See you, buddy.
Merry Christmas.
You too.
Thank you for doing that.
Yeah, no problem.
Just one quick question - if you didn't want me to take your photos then why did you bring all your stuff? Ah, well, I guess I Hey.
Hey, buddy.
Had 'em in the car and Yeah.
What are you doing?! BRIDGET: Shut the door! God! Get out! Serious? It wasn't locked.
Mum, they're in my room again! Yeah, and his shirt was in the car the whole time.
He had no idea.
Here he is - Mr Customer Service on Christmas Day.
Oh, no, it was actually all good, Dad.
The kid just knocked the plug out, so Really? Yeah, yeah.
Haydos, cricket, let's go.
You're batting.
Come on.
Boo-yaa! How'd the photo shoot go? Yeah, it was great.
It was good, fine, for a backyard thing.
You get what you pay for, I guess.
I know a guy if you wanna do 'em again.
MAN: How big's your run-up? He was really good.
Ooh! Hey! You're out.
MAN: Bowler up.
No run.
Tez, have a go.
Take a run, Dan.
Full run-up.
Patience, my young Padwan.
Play every ball on its merits.
Let's go, Dan.
(All shout) No.
No LBW in backyard cricket.
You're gone.
You know that.
Terry! Terry, you're out! ALL: Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Alright! OK, I will retire under duress, but I want that noted on the score record there, Roger.
(All cheer) Get out.
Alright, big Kev, you're bat.
No, he's had a bat.
Let's give Linda a bat.
Where's Linda? ALL: Linda? Linda? Where is she? No, no, no! No! Nuh, I can't see her, she's gone.
She's taken all the food, too.
All my good Tupperware, gone.
Tupperware? She's nicked my PS3.
How could she do this to us? Everyone, just remain quiet and calm.
I've actually made plans to go to karaoke with Linda this week, so I'll have a word with her then.
I'm sure there's a very reasonable explanation.
Yeah, I'm sure she'll be there, Terry.
BRIDGET: We should call the police.
The Christmas spirit.
Yeah, look where it gets you.
Well done, Dan.
You brought a thief into the house.
Oh, it's not Dan's fault.
Well, it is a little bit.
I mean, if he hadn't have kissed her.
Eh? What?! Thanks.
Thank you very much, Daniel.
I didn't Haven't I been the big fooly man then.
I didn't kiss-kiss her.
So all day you've been cutting my grass.
Well, I'm not going to karaoke now.
(Bleeping) What is that? No.
No.
No! OK, YOU ruined Christmas.
And you two made it gross.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Maybe I will go to karaoke.
Just drop in, just in case.
Terry, you do what you like, mate.
That's what I'll do.
This is my new email, but it's strictly for those photos.
No bum photos.
Absolutely.
I was just giving him the photos details.
Sweet.
Well, um, see you later, mate.
See you.
See you.
So, Operation Have Sex Via the Homeless failed and we all paid the price.
I'm so angry with you right now, I can't even You ruined Christmas.
(Animated chatter) BRIDGET: Sean, just give me one second, please.
Just one second.
Use the toilet.
About that night Don't.
No.
Don't Can you tell the difference between a man's ear and a woman's in the dark? Close your eyes and just Will you touch We're doing alright, aren't we? Yeah, we're going great.
Um, as are you, Mrs Moody.
You give my wife lingerie?! You're a lucky man, Kev.
I'll kill ya! Come here! Nah.
Actually, no.
Sorry.
You sh No.
(Shivers)