A Tale Dark & Grimm (2021) s01e02 Episode Script

1
[clanking, whirring]
[whooshing]
[pleasant fairy tale music plays]
[William] Once upon a time,
fairy tales were awesome.
We know, you don't believe us.
You think fairy tales are cute
and pink and full of fairies.
[chitters]
-[whacks]
-Well, they're not.
-Real fairy tales are scary.
-[thuds]
-[adventurous music plays]
-[cawing]
Follow two children
as they venture off into a dark tale.
-A scary tale.
-[barking]
-A strange tale.
-[howls]
[roars]
-[shrieks]
-A… Wait a minute.
Are you even old enough for this?
-[thudding]
-You really think you can handle it?
[demons chuckle]
-[music rising]
-[sizzles, bubbles]
-[pleasant music plays]
-[birds chirping]
Once upon a time,
a young girl and a young boy
were looking for the perfect family,
and they found Mr. and Mrs. Bauer.
-Hello, children.
-Hello.
-[children grunt]
-So happy to see you.
-[both chuckle nervously]
-[chuckles]
-Come, let's go inside.
-[pleasant music plays]
Okay, that guy definitely has a suitcase
full of human heads somewhere.
Yeah, I like him too.
Nonetheless, Hansel and Gretel
sat down with the Bauers
and told them their whole crazy story.
And that's our whole crazy story.
Yeah, crazy!
[William] The Bauers reacted…
as anyone would.
I don't know if you can tell,
but we are definitely not staring
at you two like you're nuts.
No, no, no, not one bit.
-[laughs]
-What's wrong with your face?
Hansel! [chuckles nervously]
I'm glad you asked.
You see,
Mr. Bauer has feelings, like everyone.
But sometimes he has trouble showing them,
you know, with his face.
So sometimes
I paint on a nice happy smile.
-[squeaking]
-Ooh!
See? So cheerful.
-[laughs]
-[groans]
[continues groaning]
Is he gonna lay an egg?
Kids, let me just
lay my cards on the table.
Mrs. Bauer and I
have always wanted a daughter.
[gasps]
-[disappointed sting]
-Uh, and you seem good too.
So, the two of you
are welcome in our home.
Thank you.
We'll do whatever it takes to be perfect
children and make this the perfect family.
[Mr. Bauer] Fantastic.
[wobbling, boink]
I'll fix your supper and we'll ready
a nice warm bath for you both.
-[gasps] A warm bath?
-[hopeful music plays]
This is going to be the perfect home.
And we'll live happily ever after!
I know that Baker lady
didn't work out so good.
-Because she tried to eat us?
-Yeah. There was that.
But I'm going to make it up to you now.
Don't these two seem great?
He can't smile
so she paints smiles on him.
Don't be so judgy. It's fine.
Gretel. I'm practically grown up now,
and I have a bad feeling about this.
You can't tie your own shoes.
Yeah, that's why I said "practically."
Well, my good thinking
beats your bad feeling.
And you can keep me safe by helping me
make this the perfect family.
By being a good kid.
By making our new turnip mom
and turnip dad happy.
[footsteps approach]
Yummy turnips.
-[whimsical sting]
-[both chuckle nervously]
[chuckles]
[all chuckle nervously]
-This isn't good.
-[William] Ahem.
Hansel and Gretel set out to be the
perfect kids in their new perfect home.
Well, Gretel did.
Hansel was just, eh, Hansel.
-[rooster crows]
-[Mrs. Bauer] Here's breakfast.
Diced turnips, poached turnips
in a turnip béchamel,
and hash browns.
That are also turnips. Enjoy.
Ugh.
[gulps] Thank you.
-[gentle music plays]
-May I call you Mother?
Of course you can, dear.
Because you are…
[twitches]
…my children. [stifling sobs]
-Mother?
-It's not breakfast without eggs.
[sniffs] Ugh.
-It smells like feet.
-Shh, shh. Thank you for the food, Mother.
-[gasps]
-We are grateful to be your children.
-Mmm!
-Oh!
[surprised sting]
[both] Mmm!
[chuckles]
[steps depart]
Blech! Not good at all.
I'm sure you'll grow to like it.
-[grunts]
-[Mr. Bauer] Good job, Gretel.
But try throwing your
shoulder into it. Like this.
-Got it.
-[Hansel grunting]
-[grunts]
-[Mr. Bauer] There you go.
-[chomps]
-[Hansel grunts]
[grunts]
Ha! Hi-ya! Ha!
-Hansel, knock it off!
-[chuckles robotically]
-I'm sorry. Are you mad?
-[clangs]
No, no. That's how I laugh.
[grunting rhythmically]
[grunts] Hi-ya! [grunts]
-[chuckling, snorting]
-[Mr. Bauer chuckling]
[chuckling and snorting continues]
This keeps getting more and more not good.
Come on, it's fun. Try it.
[snorting and wheezing]
[chuckling and snorting, laughing]
[William] Despite his bad feelings,
as the weeks went by,
Hansel started to become
part of the family.
-[adventurous music plays]
-[reins crack]
Thank you.
[sinister music plays]
[artist] Okay, everyone, smile…
for seven or eight hours.
We also want
two eight-by-tens and six wallet-sized.
More like 16 hours.
-[all chuckling and snorting]
-[Mrs. Bauer sighs happily]
[Hansel munching] Mmm. Mmm.
You were right.
I am starting to like this.
Told you everything would be perfect.
[William] Yes, they were all
quite happy together.
-But of course, it couldn't last.
-[ominous music plays]
[rooster crows]
Turnip cake and turnip pie
I'm a turnip-loving guy ♪
[whacks]
[creaks]
Hmm.
[suspenseful music plays]
-Seven beds?
-[eerie music plays]
-Ah! [gasps]
-[slams shut]
-We don't go in that room.
-[ominous music plays]
[William] Just when Hansel
had grown to like this place,
all his bad feelings came creeping back.
-[slams]
-How come that room has seven beds?
-Ah!
-[children] Ah!
[eerie sting]
[chuckles] No reason.
Seven's my lucky number.
It's a guest room.
What beds? I was never here. [chuckles]
[footsteps run away]
What? Sometimes people
back out of rooms laughing.
-But she--
-Don't mess this up, Hansel, please.
[William] Gretel refused to admit
that anything was wrong.
But she couldn't ignore
the Bauers' strange behavior.
-[crickets chirping]
-[gentle music plays]
-[faint groaning]
-[gasps]
-[groaning continues]
-Huh?
[suspenseful music plays]
-[panting]
-[clinks]
-[groaning continues]
-[gasps, whispers] Hansel! No!
I have to protect you.
What if it's a bridge troll?
That's the first thing you think of?
Bridge troll?
-[groaning continues]
-Where is there even a bridge?
[groaning gets louder]
[sobbing]
[sniffles]
[sad music plays]
-[clatters]
-[thuds]
-[both gasp]
-[sinister music plays]
[whispers] Quick! Hide!
[Hansel inhales]
-[tense music plays]
-[groans sadly]
Phew.
[mysterious music plays]
Let's find out
what else is under that trapdoor.
[music intensifies]
[strains, grunts]
-[clatters]
-[suspenseful music plays]
What's this?
-[squeak, thud]
-[Hansel grunts]
[dazed] It's okay, I landed on my face.
[dramatic music rising]
That's their terrible secret.
They've been hiding toys!
Hansel. They obviously
had children before us, seven boys.
-But what happened to them?
-[gasps]
Do you think they chopped
their heads off? [gasps] Or ate them?
[gasps] Or maybe they just died
from too many turnips.
-[Mr. Bauer talking indistinctly]
-Shh.
[Mr. Bauer] I think you should…
[continues indistinctly]
I can't keep this up any longer.
We mustn't tell 'em.
-They'd be gutted.
-[gasps]
-They can't ever know…
-But she--
…we wanted a daughter so much
we never saw what we had.
If Gretel hadn't shown up here,
we would still have our seven boys.
It's true.
And our boys
wouldn't have turned into swallows.
[gasps]
[Hansel] Gretel? Gretel?
Gretel!
[sobbing]
Hey, it's okay.
[sighs] No, it isn't.
But I'm going to make it okay.
I can fix this. I can fix this.
Maybe we could just
find another family somewhere else?
No. I'll find those swallow boys
and bring them back.
Then everything will be fine,
and we can be one big happy family.
Tell the Bauers I'll be back.
[Hansel] Wait.
-You think you're going alone?
-[swishes]
[hopeful music playing]
[exciting music plays]
[music swells, ends]
[sinister music plays]
[crows cawing]
Ugh! Okay, when are you gonna tell us
who this weirdo is?
-Not just yet.
-[Jacob] Right.
Because parents are so thrilled about
a creepy man following two kids around.
[sinister music continues]
[knocks]
[swishes]
We're busy.
[tense, shrill note plays]
[mysterious music plays]
[music intensifies]
[chirping]
-Ha! Ha!
-[birds fly away]
Hey, birds, it's me,
your adopted brother. Come back!
Those weren't even swallows.
You gotta stop doing that
every time you see birds.
Look, birds!
-It's me, your adopted brother!
-[chirping]
[sighs] Someone must have seen them.
If only there were someone
who could see the whole kingdom.
[suspenseful music playing]
Like the sun?
[hopeful music rising]
[music swells]
[music fades]
-Worth a try.
-[whimsical music plays]
And so, Hansel and Gretel climbed
the tallest tree they could find,
-so they could talk to the sun.
-[Hansel] Ah!
-[screams, grunts]
-[grunts]
-[music continues]
-[both grunting]
And they discovered that the sun is
exactly how you'd expect her to be: hot.
[in sing-song] Hello, children!
-[sizzling]
-[Gretel gasping]
Oh, I am so glad to have visitors.
It is so lonely up here. [laughs]
Oh! The moon won't talk to me.
-I borrowed his dictionary and lost it--
-Stop talking.
-You're killing us.
-Ooh, okay, I didn't lose it. I burned it.
-We're leaving now!
-Oh, wait. Please, no, don't go. Please!
-I'm so lonely!
-[Hansel] Go, go, go!
[both grunting]
[both panting]
I don't know. Try the moon?
Yeah.
-[both grunting]
-[whimsical music plays]
-So… um…
-[crickets chirping]
…hi, moon.
[whooshes]
[Moon sighs]
Hey, guys. Nice night, isn't it?
-[both giggle]
-[Moon] So…
-Have you ever been eaten?
-[dramatic sting]
[both yelp, whimper]
Oh, no, wait, guys. That came out wrong.
[both scream]
[both grunt, scream]
[both grunt]
-[Hansel] What? No!
-Don't tense up! Go limp!
-[both thud]
-[Hansel groans]
Ooh, not that limp.
[suspenseful music plays]
[music becomes sad]
[gasps sadly] I'm so sorry.
-[wood clatters]
-[fire whooshes]
Gretel, are you feeling okay?
[grunts] I'm fine.
That's not what your face says.
Look at these pictures.
The Bauers were happier before us.
They were right. This is my fault.
-How could it be your fault?
-I don't know, everything's my fault!
Look at all the stuff that's happened
since I made us leave home.
Maybe I'm cursed or something.
I would've seen if you got cursed.
There would've been a witch
or the Devil doing spooky hand stuff.
[spookily] Whoo! Whoo!
It's me! I'm the problem!
-Gretel!
-[sobs]
-[dramatic music plays]
-[cawing]
[Gretel pants]
[sobbing]
[grunts]
[music fades]
[cries] I ruined everything.
[sniffles]
-[crying]
-[sad music plays]
-[sniffling]
-[magical whooshing]
What tears have awakened us?
[gasps]
[stars] It's us.
The stars.
What? Didn't you know that the stars talk
to you when you cry on their reflections?
Boy, public education
-has really gone downhill.
-[grunting]
I think this snake is dead.
Um…
Hello, stars. I'm Gretel.
-What's going on?
-Shh.
I really need some help.
We can help you. We see everything.
Uh, but not my alone bathroom time, right?
We know you seek the seven swallows.
They came to us,
and asked us to help them hide somewhere.
Far away from their cares.
Their cares? Did they mean… me?
-[stars] It is possible.
-[gasps]
They said a girl came,
and they were turned into swallows.
So it was my fault.
I have to fix this.
Tell me where they are. Please!
We sent them to our secret citadel
high atop the Crystal Mountain.
It has a hidden door, and to find it
one must solve this riddle:
though I am dark, I die by night.
I come again with morning light.
A giraffe. No, a-- a scorpion.
No, no, don't tell me, uh, two giraffes.
[stars] Oh my.
You are very bad at riddles.
Three giraffes.
Once you have solved the riddle,
you will need this rare
and magical key to open the door.
-[whooshes]
-Uh… It looks like a chicken bone.
[stars] It is a chicken bone.
That doesn't make any sense.
[stars] We know.
Magic is weird.
[whoosh]
Why would the swallows
want someone to help them hide from you?
Because I wrecked their lives.
But I'm gonna fix it.
I'm gonna walk all the way
to Crystal Mountain, answer a riddle,
and open a door with a chicken bone.
-I can't let you go alone. Let's do this!
-[adventurous music plays]
[panting]
-[bats screeching]
-Oh, that way's bad.
-That way's bad too!
-[squeals]
That way's okay,
but the rabbit looked at me funny!
[sighs] It's this way, Hansel.
Hansel and Gretel set out on a daring
quest to find the seven swallows,
journeying bravely
across treacherous landscapes.
They ventured through blazing deserts.
They ventured through muck-filled swamps!
[Dotty] They ventured
through Lollipop Meadow!
-[William] No!
-[eerie music plays]
The longer they journeyed,
the more Gretel's guilt consumed her.
-I will fix this.
-[gentle music playing]
Turnip mother will be happy.
Turnip father will learn to smile.
We will be perfect.
Gretel, are you feeling okay?
Am I feeling? [scoffs]
Hansel, it's time you learned something.
Feelings are stupid.
All they do is cause pain.
I'm done with them!
I don't have any feelings!
That's a weird thing to yell angrily.
Wait up!
[ominous music plays]
[William] As time passed,
Hansel's courage grew.
-[gasps]
-[snorting]
-[squeals]
-[grunts]
[skidding]
[snorting uncertainly]
-[grunts]
-[snorts]
-[triumphant music plays]
-[squeals]
Don't even start with me, rabbit.
[William] And Gretel's guilt
turned her cold.
Gretel, did you see that?
I am the king of the forest.
Yeah, don't pick at it and it'll be okay.
Let's keep moving.
[groans]
[adventurous music plays]
[William] Finally,
after many months of travel,
they arrived at the foot
of Crystal Mountain…
[grunts]
[heroic music playing]
…taller and stronger than ever before.
Let's go get us some swallows
and make our turnip parents happy.
Exactly.
[adventurous music plays]
[Gretel yelps]
[grunts]
[clacking]
[mysterious music plays]
[adventurous music continues]
[gasps]
-[sweeping music plays]
-[wind whistling]
Now I know what you're thinking. "Yay,
they made it, I feel all warm inside."
Well, don't.
And, parents, you need to know
this is about to get inappropriate.
You might want to blindfold your kids.
Or peck out their eyes.
Just go peck, peck, peck! It's so easy!
[Hansel] Wow!
This is the most beautiful place
I've ever seen.
[Gretel] There's no door.
The riddle!
Right. You must have been
working on it this whole time.
You'd think so, right?
-[wind whistling]
-Um, how did that riddle go again?
[groans] It's a good thing
I wrote it down.
"Though I am dark, I die by night.
I come again with morning light."
Four giraffes.
[sighs]
The sun comes in the morning,
but it isn't dark.
Night is dark,
but it goes away in the morning.
-[mysterious music playing]
-Huh?
[Hansel] Hey, that rock
looks like a giraffe.
-[chuckles] Told you it'd be a giraffe.
-[gasps]
[dramatic music rising]
-A shadow.
-[chimes]
[stammers] It's a shadow!
[music rising]
-[rasps]
-[suspenseful music plays]
-[magic hums]
-[ice rattling]
-[rumbling]
-[dramatic music rising]
-[music rising]
-[ice cracks loudly]
[triumphant music plays]
[shatters]
-[both] Yes!
-[hands clap]
Time for the chicken bone.
-[gasps] The chicken bone!
-[tense music plays]
Oh, no, no, no, no!
A hole? No!
-Here, uh, let me look.
-[sighs in despair]
Oh…
It's not here.
[morose music plays]
The bone is gone. I'm sorry.
[sobs, sniffles]
No, I'm sorry.
I hurt you and I hurt everyone.
[dramatic whoosh]
[screams] Open!
-[grunting] Open… these doors!
-Gretel, stop it!
-Please!
-[panting in despair]
[groans, pants]
[dramatic music rising]
What are you doing?
-Whatever it takes.
-[Jacob] Stop!
Stop right there!
You can't show this next part.
-I mean, it's too horrible.
-Show it!
It's not your job to stop the story.
We're telling the story--
-Someone's gotta protect these children.
-Mama wants some gore!
We're not going to see details, Jacob.
I'm not an idiot.
You see, gentle viewer,
while Gretel didn't have a chicken bone,
she had another bone
of around the same size.
A bone of her very own.
[whooshes]
-Yes, Gretel used her own finger as a key.
-[lock clicks]
Pfft! [laughs]
[screams]
[panting]
I know what you're thinking,
and you're right, cutting off your finger
is a terribly foolish thing to do,
but we have to tell the story
just as it happened.
This is crazy.
I still don't get
why her finger would open the door.
And why would she have to chop it off
for it to work?
It doesn't make any sense.
I don't know. Maybe the important part
was the sacrifice.
[wind whistling gently]
-[gentle music plays]
-[whirring, clicking, dinging]
[grunts softly]
[chirping]
[both laugh]
[chirping]
[Gretel] I…
[grunts softly]
…bring news from your parents.
They'd like you to come back home.
Please. You have to come home with us.
I'm the girl who showed up
and caused all of this.
-[chirping]
-Please!
[suspenseful music plays]
Let me try.
Hello, my bird brothers.
-I have something for you.
-[gentle music continues]
This was yours, wasn't it?
[chirps]
We found your father crying over this toy.
He really misses you all.
More than you can imagine.
-[chirping]
-Oh!
-[chirping]
-[whoosh]
[magical whoosh]
[sweeping music plays]
[Gretel gasps]
[music fades]
He misses us?
Deeply. They both do.
I'm so sorry for what I did to you.
[boy] What?
-No. You didn't do anything.
-[gentle music plays]
But… [hesitates] What are you saying?
Right after you came to our house,
our father told us
to go to the well to get some water.
Your new sister will want a bath,
so fill that tub to the top.
-[boys clamoring]
-And no horsing around!
[boy] But, well, we didn't listen.
[boys gasp]
-[tub splashes]
-[boy] Oh boy.
-[tragic music plays]
-You're useless. Useless!
I wish you'd all just
turn into swallows and fly away!
[echoing] Fly away!
[magical whoosh]
[chirping]
You see, this happened when you showed up.
-But it wasn't your fault.
-Huh.
-[wind whistling]
-[hesitantly] It wasn't my fault?
It wasn't my fault.
All that time,
all those months of travel.
Everything I put Hansel through…
-I kinda had fun, though.
-I cut my finger off!
I said I had fun.
All this just because
Mr. Bauer lost his temper?
Pretty weird, right?
So, are you coming back home with us?
No! Never!
There are no perfect parents!
There's just pain.
Pain and suffering and blood!
Okay.
Well, um, we're just gonna take off, then.
We can find our own way home.
Nice meeting you.
Good luck with your suffering.
And blood.
-[birds chirping]
-[wind howling]
[sleeve ruffles]
We never said it when we were in there,
-but we all missed our mom and dad.
-[gentle music plays]
I want you to have this.
Thank you.
Bye!
-What do we do now, Hansel?
-[morose music plays]
Everything I think is wrong. I failed you.
No, I'm the one who failed you.
I should have protected you
from our parents,
from Mrs. Baker lady, from the Bauers.
And now look what happened to your finger.
Who's gonna take care of us?
No one.
There's no one to love us.
I love you, Gretel.
[gentle music playing]
And I love you, Hansel.
Do we even need parents?
You're right.
I've had it wrong this whole time.
We don't need parents.
-All we need is each other.
-[heroic music plays]
Gretel, I won't let anything
hurt you ever again.
Come on, let's find someplace
to make a new home.
-[shivers] Someplace warm.
-Watch your step.
I heard about this one guy Jack
who fell down a hill like this
and broke his crown.
[William] And so they ventured down
the mountain toward a tiny patch of green,
where they could live happily ever after.
Ha!
Like that's gonna happen.
Hey, if you thought
this chapter was gruesome,
don't stick around for the next one.
It's gonna be… Ugh.
It's just so nasty.
I am psyched for this next chapter.
Are we gonna see guts?
'Cause I feel like we're gonna see guts!
[dramatic music rises, fades]
[closing theme song plays]
[Hansel and Gretel]
When the darkness opens wide ♪
Swallowing up the sun inside ♪
Dappled stars, they prick the sky ♪
Blanket on which the moon will lie ♪
Why must daylight always dim? ♪
Creeping dusk so cold and grim ♪
'Tis the blackness of the night ♪
-Teaches us how to see the light ♪
-[song fades]