About a Boy (2014) s01e02 Episode Script

Whoever's down here, I'm armed.
- Did you hear that? - Yeah, yeah.
That came from your walls! It's all right, I got it.
Oh, my God, our clothes.
Something moved our clothes.
Oh, no, we moved our clothes - Off our bodies.
- Oh.
What the hell? Marcus.
Did you get it, Will? - Marcus? - What is happening? Marcus? This is not cool, man.
I cracked your network pass code.
You may not want to use "password" as your password.
It's a little simplistic.
- Marcus? - Will? Marcus? Will? Hi.
We have a dumbwaiter? This is all one house, Will.
Isn't this awesome? We live together! We do not live together.
Cool, a bra.
Okay, this just got a little too weird.
Uh, Jenny Jenny! Please don't go.
You have a kid in a wall.
- Wha that's not my kid.
- It's your wall.
Yeah, but Please.
- Oh, hi, Dakota.
- Who's Dakota? Oh Good-bye, Will.
Gosh, you really have a type, don't you? Hi, mom.
Did you ask him yet? Did you put my son in the wall? I took your son out of the wall.
You can babysit for me tomorrow, right, Will? Oh, yes.
I have a job interview.
And since you don' a job or clearly do anything Whoa, okay.
All right, you know what? I may not have a job, but I do things.
Actually, you're free and clear.
I checked your iCal when I hacked your printer.
Why do you have a waxing appointment? Listen, I just You know, thursdays in general, they're not good for me.
Why? What happens on thursdays? Things just kinda come up.
Like, my bagel store sometimes makes these special bagels, asiago cheese.
So if they're making asiagos, I kinda need to be available at a moment's notice.
Oh.
Well, if something urgent like a bagel comes up, perhaps you could take Marcus with you.
Yeah, you know, it's just thur You know, I'd prefer to keep things open, so All right, well, I'll I'll try to reschedule it.
Probably hurt my chances but Come on, darling.
Get out of the wall.
Come on.
Please, Will? She really needs the job.
And I bet that we could be The best of friends in the end Aw So just a couple of hours, right? - Right.
- Thank you, Will.
And thank you, dumbwaiter, for opening our walls and our hearts.
Aww.
Here we go Well, maybe it's the common curse Maybe things get bad before they get worse I don't want to become someone Who can't live up to what I've already done, no Here comes the comeback The kid is back, he's back on track And there goes my hero He's the underdog who's coming out on top The walls are closing in around me.
The kid has no boundaries.
He literally came through the walls of my house, Andy.
How does he think it's okay for him to do that? Kids are annoying.
Not you guys.
You guys are great.
The point is, I need to establish some boundaries.
I mean, it's one thing if he comes around and I'm around and he just shows up or whatever.
It's cool.
But I need to protect Will time.
- Right? - "Will time.
" First, I'm babysitting for two hours.
And then I'm taking him to the movies.
And before you know it, I'm taking him to look at colleges.
I haven't seen a movie since 2008.
I gotta draw some lines here.
It was the duchess.
You know what? I'm not gonna do it.
I'm out.
I am done.
I'm gonna tell them that I'm sick.
I'm gonna tell them that I have food poisoning.
Seriously? You're right.
I look too good to be sick.
I'm gonna tell them that I forgot the time.
Dude, you can't cancel.
All right? She's a single mom who just moved to town.
What if something comes up? You'll get an asiago next thursday.
What's an asiago? It's just a bagel, sweetie.
It's just a bagel.
You dirty vixen! No one throws fireballs at jago! I'm so sorry.
Hi! Marcus said you offered to share your printer.
- No, I did not - I just thought - I should make an extra copy - Ever - Of my C.
V.
, just in case.
- Say that.
C.
V.
? Curriculum vitae.
It's Latin for "the story of my life.
" Yeah, I'd go with "resume.
" You know, until Latin comes back.
Um, just have a few suggestions for when you and Marcus are together.
Uh, if you could stay off screens, that would be good.
TV, computer, video games.
Oh, also, if you could make sure that he doesn't eat meat, fish, fowl, gluten, sugar, or dairy.
Okay, what What can he eat? Well, everything else.
Of course, if he eats a nut, he's dead.
Dead? Dead dead? - Close enough.
- Close enough.
Uh, so this curriculum B.
J.
of yours, it, um It'd a bit untraditional.
- Thank you.
- Huh.
Yeah.
The nomadic years"? Oh, yes, that was a period of my life when I didn't take a traditional job.
I was just exploring life.
Do you mind? Exploring life.
Yeah.
You can't put that on a resume.
Why not? I live my life with complete honesty.
- I have nothing to hide.
- You really do.
If they didn't like my resume, why would they have asked me for an interview? I don't know, but you need to take a step closer to the world that we're all living in and just lie.
- I don't lie.
- Everyone lies.
- Not I.
- Okay, George Washington.
- That rebel.
- Still bitter? This is my feelings wheel.
Because we're hanging out together, I'm coloring in "excited," "comforted," and "fulfilled.
" I'm totally fulfilled.
Will, stop! You're coloring in "total exuberance.
" You can't do that.
I've never experienced total exuberance.
Lil Jon TJ Charity, pool.
Okay, h-hold on.
Hold on.
Little Jon is having a-a charity pool party - Yes! - And TJ got us on the list? - Yes! - Yes! Yes! Yes! No Hey, Andy, want to feelings wheel with us? I'd love to do that, but I gotta go to a party with rock stars and supermodels and ice luges, so I'll see you guys.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hold on.
Hold on.
You're married with kids.
I'm unmarried without kids.
By all rights, I should be the one going to the party.
So I'll pay you 50 bucks to stay here and watch the kid.
Okay, 60 bucks.
I'm gonna send you some pics of me and women that I have no business talking to.
Andy, you know I live for these parties! - Bye, Will.
- You're killing me! Here I am once again At the other end of the spectrum You know, Will, I was really looking forward to this, but you've been a grumpy puss the whole time.
Why is hanging out with me any less exciting than hanging out with those women with bathing suits that are way too small? One day, you'll understand.
If you're gonna be like this, why don't we just go to the party? Because your mom would kill me.
My mom doesn't have to know.
What, so you're saying you'd lie to your mom? I've never done it before, but I'll do it for you, Will.
I mean, it is a charity at a swimming pool.
For all we know, there'll be kids there.
Tons of kids.
Lots and lots of little 11-year-old kids splashing about, and the fact is, we can't just sit in the house all day without getting out into the world.
We need to get some sun.
- I am pale.
- Disturbingly pale.
Freakishly pale.
Whoo! Let's go! Whoa, it's going down in here So hot, girls stripping to they underwear - Bro code of silence? - Bro code of silence.
Will, look! High diving*.
Just like at the Dallas YMCA!! Yeah, uh, Dallas YMCA.
That's cool.
No, hot.
It's very hot there.
I actually got heat stroke eight times.
The doctor said my brain almost melted.
- That's awesome.
- I gotta get on that board! My mom wouldn't let me do it at the "Y.
" I'm feeling the urge to color in so many wedges on my feelings wheel.
Excited, terrified, anxious.
You didn't bring that thing, did you? No.
I don't want people to think I'm a weirdo.
To the high dive, Will.
Here come the bros.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, Marcus.
Uh, t-this isn't really a swimming kind of pool party.
But I got my swimmers on.
And there's a mermaid swimming in the pool.
Well, yeah, she's decorative.
And the thing is, like, I can't go up on the high dive with you.
I see what's going on here.
You too are scared of the high dive.
Yeah.
- You sound scared.
- I'm not scared.
How about we work up to it? Five, six games of ping-pong.
You know, then we can do some visualization.
You know, here's the thing.
I kind of feel like if we hang out together the whole time, we're gonna have too much fun, right? So, like, why don't we spend some time on our own, you know, both of us, and then we'll meet at that main cage in about an hour.
And we can do visual checks every 15 minutes.
- Visual checks, sounds good.
- Yeah.
Okay, cool.
Will! Where have you been, man? This is the party of the decade.
I've already gotten three numbers from three different models.
It's not a competition, TJ.
And I just got here, so From t- look at this.
Models.
What kind of idiot brings a kid to a party like this? - Oh, no idea.
- That's a good question, TJ.
Yeah, who does that? I'm getting a drink.
- You brought him! - It's cool, man.
- It was his idea.
- He's 11.
I'm gonna get stuck babysitting him, aren't I? You're gonna run off with a supermodel, and then I'm gonna end up watching this kid, even though this is the first non-bouncy house party I've been to in three years! I am not gonna unload him on you, okay? We're doing visual checks.
See? Chill, man.
Let's get our party on.
Come on.
Looking fresh when I'm stepping in the V.
I.
P.
Everybody gonna notice me Just zip by like an f-16 They stare with they mouth wide open Close your mouth and let me buy you drinks While I kick it with this chick in pink She compliment me on my cufflinks I compliment her on some other things Where all my fresh, fly people on the east side? Where all my fresh, fly people on the east side? Hey! You know, being seen here could be very good for sriracha.
Sriracha? Our band broke up ten years ago.
Right, yeah, but everybody loves a comeback.
You know, we need to brand up, okay? You know what I mean? Publicity, yo.
Watch me here.
Here we go.
Whoo! - Aah! - Oh! Sriracha! Whoa, I've lost visuals on Marcus.
Uh, excuse me, guys.
Does anyone have eyes on a small, pale kid Who I can look for later? Hi.
I'm Will.
Hi.
Veronica.
- Veronica.
- Mm-hmm.
Wow.
Ice luges, that's so - Totally wild.
- Juvenile.
Wildly juvenile, yeah.
I don't even know what I'm doing here.
- Right? - Like, ice luges, really? What, are we at a frat party? We're adults.
- It's so immature.
- Right? And what kind of jerk brings a kid to a party like this? Oh, that's so wrong.
Hey, because we're here, why don't we go to that juvenile, silly, pointless ice luge and have a drink? - Sure.
- Beautiful.
Or we could go to the chocolate fountain this way.
- Will! - It's better than that way.
- So - Will! Will! Will, I have shocking news! The mermaid is smoking a cigarette! And she uses the f-word a lot.
Wait, you two know each other? I'm Marcus.
We're best friends.
Best friends? Oh, that is so dear.
Yeah, see, I saw him earlier, and as a concerned citizen, I kind of took him under my wing, right, bud? Wow.
That is so kind of you.
Well, technically, we're neighbors, but I'd say we're a whole lot closer than that.
Will and my mom fight a lot, but I think that may be because of some deep-seated animal attraction.
Wait, you brought him here? Will you define "brought"? I need you to help me do a nut check.
- What? - A nut check, Will.
Okay, we are nowhere near that close, man.
At parties, my mom always takes me around to check on which hors d'oeuvres have nuts.
You're 11 years old, okay? You're old enough to check your own nuts.
And besides, I am talking to Great.
She's gone.
Awesome.
I know, finally.
Some us time.
You wanna see a really long trail of ants? No, I don't! Dude, you cannot ever come up to another dude when he's talking to a girl.
You got it? It's bro code.
Bro code? What about you were supposed to meet me at the main cage Isn't that in the bro code? I thought we were going to this party together, Will.
You know what? Forget it.
Whoa, Marcus.
Come back.
No, it's fine.
Like you said, I can do my own nut check.
I'm trying to go home with you - Oh, my God! - Welcome, welcome.
"Okay!" How is that? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about that.
- Isn't that what you say? - I'm sorry.
- He says that.
- No, I'm sorry about this guy.
- Hi, I'm Will.
- How you doing? This is Andy.
This is TJ.
We are huge fans, and this is just the sickest event, man.
- This is so cool.
- Oh, thank you, man.
It's all about the American diabetes association.
Just trying to do a little good in this world.
- You know? - Nice one, man.
Yeah, diabetes is awesome, man.
- No.
- You got a visual lately? - Visual? - What? A visual.
Visual Oh.
Whoa.
What the hell? Will! Will! Will! Who's gil? You gonna handle this situation, gil? Yep.
Okay, this is high.
This is high.
Will! Will! My body's given up on me.
It's gone into full survival mode.
I never thought I'd die like this.
This is no big deal, buddy, all right? I'm just gonna come out there and I'm gonna get you.
Do not come out here.
Don't shake the board.
Don't worry, all right? Now just - Oh, my God! - I'm sorry! I shook the board! I shook the board.
I'm really sorry.
All right.
What I want you to do is turn around slowly.
Slowly Slowly Good.
Now reach out.
I'm gonna grab your hand.
Grab my Grab my grab! Grab! - Aah! - Oh, my God! Ooh! Are you okay? Oh, God.
This is it, Will.
This is where I Will live out the rest of my days.
- Gil, you got this? - Yeah, gil.
I'm scared, Will.
I'm feeling feelings I don't have colors for.
- Jump! - Get off! - Do it! - Jump! Shut up.
Just block Block those people out.
Just listen to me.
Listen to the soothing sound of my voice, okay? I've heard your voice.
It says I'm in the way.
Marcus, look at me.
I wasn't a good friend to you today, all right? But one thing I know for sure is you are not in the way.
Okay.
Thanks, Will.
All right, we're gonna do this.
Take my hand.
Yes! Okay.
Now inch up.
Good.
Perfect.
Perfect.
Okay, come on.
Here we go, man.
If there's one thing I learned today, I am not cut out for the high dive.
I'm just not that guy.
I'm the guy who hangs out at the kiddie pool all day, stays out of trouble.
Marcus, wait.
Hold on a second.
Wait a minute.
There was one thing that you wanted when you walked in here today, right? And that was the high dive board.
Y-you wanted it! Yeah? And you may never have this chance again.
I mean, there are very few high diving boards anymore.
Probably cause they're springboards to certain death.
Well, there's also one wedge in your feelings wheel that you have never colored in.
- Total exuberance.
- Total exuberance.
Okay, now, it's totally up to you, all right? You can walk down that ladder Or you can go for it.
And I better be Prominently featured In your next Slideshow Aah! Oh! Marcus! Marcus? Yeah! I did it, Will! I did it! - Total exuberance! - Whoo-hoo! - You gotta do it, Will! - Oh, no, no, no.
Total exuberance.
Share it with me, Will.
I'll be blue, you'll be yellow.
Together we'll make green! And we'll make green! Slideshow I don't know What I'm gonna do Whoo! We did it, Marcus! We did it! Whoo! I think this is a hug moment.
I don't know, buddy.
Hugging in water is super hard.
Okay.
All right.
Okay, let's get changed before your okay, there she is.
All right, bro code.
Remember? Bro code.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I really need to talk to you about something.
Did you go swimming? - Uh - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I thought we should get some sun, you know? It's not good to sit in front of screens all day, I think.
How was your playdate? Uh good.
Really? No.
It was great! I did my own nut check! I became a man! I met a mermaid! She wasn't actually a mermaid.
She was a video ho! I'm sorry, Will.
Bro code aside, I cannot lie to my mother.
Yeah, I picked up on that.
May I talk to you in private, please? Where did you take my son? You said if something came up, I should bring Marcus with me.
For asiagos, not video hoes.
How could you take him to a party with prostitutes? Oh, no, video hoes are actually not prostitutes.
It's a The "ho" is silent.
See, the fact that you know that means that you're even more of a giant twit than I'd previously thought.
From now on, we're just neighbors, okay? You stay out of our lives, and we'll stay out of yours.
That sounds good.
Hello? Who? The nomadic company? I don't even Oh, my God! W-w put it on hold! - Put 'em on hold! - Uh, excuse me.
May I put you on hold for one moment? Thank you so much.
I'll be right back.
Uh, just in my interview today, I-I might have said that you were the founder and ceo of the nomadic company and that we were the world's leading supplier of organic staplers, and that I was the wind beneath your wings.
Wow.
Wow.
I mean, shame on you.
- You lied.
- But you told me to lie.
So let me just get this straight.
You want this "giant twit" to bail you out? I'm gonna need an apology.
You want me to apologize to you? Oh, yeah.
To me.
I did a good thing today.
I mean, it was partly bad.
It was It almost became very bad.
But the fact is, Marcus had the time of his life, and he needed that.
He needed to experience total exuberance.
I trusted you not to take him to a party with alcohol and mermaid video hoes and God knows what else.
Live leopards.
And that wasn't an apology, no.
All right.
Maybe you were a little right.
And maybe I shouldn't micromanage every second that I'm not with Marcus.
And you know, he probably does need to experience total exuberance.
And maybe I should lie a little bit on my resume like every other good American citizen.
If you'll excuse me, I have a call.
I'm so sorry about the delay.
I was in the middle of an intense negotiation.
Sorry.
You'd like to hear about Fiona Bowa.
I don't even know where to begin.
But I gotta tell you, she was the wind beneath my wings.
That's right, yeah.
The air right underneath those wings.
She's odd, that's for sure.
Really? My God, thank you.
I got a job! I got a job! I did it! I did it! I did it! Oh, my God, that's awesome! I know! We have to celebrate! Yeah! Open up your mind and see like me Open up your plans and then you're free Look into your heart and you'll find love, love, love Dance and sing We're just one big family