Accidentally on Purpose s01e02 Episode Script

Are people staring at me because I just broke up with the boss and accidentally got impregnated by a 22-year-old on a futon? Or and this is the one I want you to say because my hair turned out all bouncy and fun? Actually, people are staring 'cause you've got a great big hunk of cream cheese - on your boob.
- Ugh! So, what's it like living with the little impregnator? You know, it's a little awkward.
- Fresh coffee in the kitchen.
- Ooh - Whoops.
- Ooh.
Hey, look at you! He's got a great - personality.
- Oh.
Oh, look, here's old cock-a-doodle-doo now! - Hey.
- Hey.
So, newspaper, huh? This is where they print the lies! I wanted to bring your key back.
- I got a copy made.
- Okay.
Well, Zack, Davis, thank you for coming by.
Now perhaps you should go, 'cause last time - you dropped in Great! This guy's back.
that happened.
How'd you get in here? You didn't get my security guard pregnant, too, did you? I was just dropping off Billie's key because - Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup! we're living together.
Oh, no, he didn't! Olivia, would you kindly? Get out! Go! You make me sick! Bye, baby.
See you in our love cave.
- What?! - What?! Oh, love cave.
These kids and their ill-timed jokes.
It's platonic.
Look, we may not be together anymore, but I still care about you.
I mean, who is this kid? Where's he from? Seattle.
- What's his dad do? - Architect.
Siblings? Four: Meg, Tom, Bill and Rosie.
Well, it sounds like you have everything under control.
Hey, how come you didn't tell me these things about Zack? Because it's not true! I just rattled stuff off from Sleepless in Seattle.
I don't actually know where he's from.
During our fling, we didn't get into a lot of deep conversation.
Oh, that rocked.
Oh, I'd kill for a meatball hero! You just gave that guy your key! They do a better background check when you move into a crack house! Hey, here's an idea.
How about I get to know the father of my baby? Morning, roomie.
What you doing? Just smiling.
Oh, my God, you're in the middle of going downtown on the alone train.
My bad.
No, I wasn't, I wasn't.
Anyway, what's up? Um, well, I wanted to talk to you about something so crazy and funny that I realized.
You know what is so funny and crazy? I don't know where you're from.
Where are you from? You know, we should totally, totally have this conversation, but I've actually got a bunch of stuff to do - around town, so - So do I! We can go together and talk about your parents.
Uh, thanks, but I'm good.
It's kind of personal is that okay? - Okay? - Yeah.
It's fantastic.
Cool.
Okay.
I'll respect the hell out of that.
# I can't be anything without you.
# I wonder why Zack wouldn't tell you anything.
Oh, I had a dream he told you he was from St.
Louis.
If I'm right, then the rest of my dream will also come true, which means I will get an e-mail from Michelle Obama! Guys I did a very bad thing.
Oh, what now? I tossed his room.
You did not! Oh, but I did.
I tossed it like a prison guard looking for crack.
I'm ashamed to be your sister.
- What'd you find? - Okay.
I found this picture, which I've never seen before, taken the night we met at the bar.
I found it in a mysterious pile of parking tickets, which he kept in a secretive pizza box.
That's sweet.
Does the back of my hair always look that flat? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
This picture was taken before you two met.
How do you know that? I am a journalist.
I know all the tricks of the trade.
Plus, the clock on the wall on the bar behind you says 7:26.
Right.
So, on top of it, I found this note.
"Dear Billie, this is hard to say.
" And that's it.
That's creepy, right? Yeah! The only way that could be creepier is if it was written in blood.
We need facts.
That's what reporters get: Facts.
No, you're right.
This kid is the father of my baby.
Oh, my God! A kid is the father of my baby.
Right, we need to go down to this bar right now and get to the bottom of things.
You just want to have a martini.
Yeah, there is some truth in that.
What's this guy's name again? Zack.
He's super cute.
He hangs out with this guy that looks like a hipster caveman.
Davis, yeah, yeah.
They were in here playing some game they just made up.
It's called bar stool roulette.
All right, you're going to close your eyes, we're going to spin you around.
Now, whoever you take a picture of, you got to try and nail.
Wait, wait, wait whoa, what if it's a dude? Just look interested in what he's saying.
Guys love that.
Okay, stop! Yes! Hot! - Blonde! I'm into it.
Come on! It would have been so much better if it was a dude.
Oh, it was fate.
No, it wasn't.
I was the prize on Wheel of Horny.
Do you remember anything else? I think they were celebrating something with the picture guy.
Well, I'm having a baby with that guy.
If something good happened, why didn't he tell me? My article's not due till tomorrow.
Let's just go shake down that little hedgehog he hangs out with and get some answers.
Good idea.
I like it.
Three ladies, shaking it down.
Hot on the trail.
Getting some answers.
One of them a pregnant James Bond.
One of them loose and Scottish.
The third has flat hair.
Hello? So, this is the place Zack seduced you? Yes, yes, it is.
I feel really good about myself right now.
What does the master bedroom look out over? Hell? I think it's charming.
I mean, I love these kitschy little coasters.
Oh, that's bologna.
I knew this would happen.
So how do you guys want to do this? All at once or one at a time? Sorry to barge in, Davis.
But, um, look, I was thinking about surprising Zack for his birthday and Oh, my God are you seriously eating that? And I didn't know when his birthday is.
So I didn't just, like, miss it, did I? I don't know.
He was born in the Year of the Rat, though.
I learned that off a place mat at a Chinese restaurant.
- Me? The Year of the Tiger.
- Oh I'm a monkey! Focus.
Okay, but that night, it seemed like you were celebrating something.
What would that something be? Tell me that.
- I want to know that.
- Oh, yeah, yeah the night at the bar.
Well, my favorite part was definitely the next morning.
Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Look, that hooker's still moving! - Get her! - Got her.
Good.
- Oops, forgot the cellular.
Which I'm gonna need if I'm gonna find another lucky lad to have casual sex with.
I'm kidding.
I am a nice lady.
Actually, I never do stuff like this.
There it is! Oh, lying in some miscellaneous liquid.
Okay.
Dude, she was sexy as hell.
Morning, porn star.
That's right.
Give it up.
Give it up.
Aw, sweet, she left her number.
Here, Davis.
This is what a girl's phone number looks like.
She left all seven digits.
Dude! Zack, none of us have ever gone past the dirty 30.
So what was that like? - It was different.
- Like All access different? I'm not going to tell you that.
Almost it was dark.
Come on, man.
I'm gonna need more details.
I mean, you banged her on my futon.
It was, uh it was awesome.
She was confident and specific.
And bossy.
She took my hands and put them places.
Not the places you think.
There's other places, you guys.
That's hot.
"Billie Chase.
" Well, you know what? Cheers, bro.
This was the perfect way to celebrate you finally getting up off your ass, manning up and turning in your application for Application for what? "Application for what?" You just said, "application for" What? Just answer me this: Is he from St.
Louis? Okay, I'm starting to get the idea that you guys didn't come here just to hang out with me.
You know what? Screw it.
I found this note in his room.
What is so hard for him to say to me? Maybe I should just put a bag over your head, drive you to the middle of the woods, and we can talk there.
Look, why don't you guys just hassle Zack over this, okay? I have to get to work now, so, uh Call me, Australian lady.
It's me, Davis.
Open up! Hey.
Is that Billie's thigh thingy? I guess so.
Can I have that? - What, why are you here? - She's onto you, man.
Her and her fancy lady posse were in my apartment sexually harassing me and stealing my bologna.
What? Why? She knows! She knows about the application! I don't know how, but she knows.
And did you start writing her some candy-ass note? Wait, how do you know about that? She was in your room, man.
She probably knows you got into food college in Baltimore.
The Culinary Academy in New York.
Are you really busting my balls about specifics right now? Aw, crap.
You know, I should've just told her this morning.
And now, she's going to be all pissed, and I don't even think I'm going.
But it's your dream.
Butter and whisks and big, white hats So you can be like Ratatouille.
- Hello.
- What do you want? Yeah? Here to spread your lies with your big lie machine? Actually, I do enjoy the word jumble.
I think I'd be really good at writing those.
Are you finished? You mean, am I "if-nished"? I'm so sorry.
Where's Billie? She's not here.
What do you want? Okay, well You seem like an okay kid.
I think you might have got yourself in a situation here where you're in a little bit over your head.
Billie's important to me.
Yeah, she's important to me, too.
Me, too.
I really love her.
Look, if I was in your position, I'd be freaked out, and I'm a successful businessman.
Look, you know what? I'm impressed by your success and your job and your jawline.
But I don't need to take any advice from you.
Do you have any idea how much it costs to raise a kid? $342,000.
Does that include the shoes? Look, don't worry about it, okay? I got it under control.
Really? 'Cause you look a little rattled to me.
Can you believe that guy? Yeah.
He's like a really handsome Darth Vader.
I wonder where Zack is.
He hasn't talked to you yet? Talked to me about what? Huh this is uncomfortable, and I haven't even put the speculum in yet.
What? What could be more uncomfortable than the speculum? Well, Zack stopped by earlier and told me he was moving out of town.
What? Well, that explains his behavior this morning.
The half-written note.
The anxiety attack I'm about to have.
Whoa, take it easy.
Take just breathe, okay? Remember, childbirth is a lot more painful.
What do you mean he was "leaving town"? What did he say? Hey, Doc.
I'll take a split pea soup, extra crackers.
What? Oh, Zack.
Sorry.
I thought you were the soup guy.
Uh, l-I came by to give you this.
A car wash coupon? No, it's-it's on the back.
It's my medical history.
I'm leaving for culinary school.
And Billie told me that she could do this on her own and You know what? That's probably a good idea, because her douchey ex-boyfriend got me thinking that I'm in way over my head.
Well, douchey ex-boyfriends are known for their wisdom.
Yeah, uh, right.
So Um, anyway, my medical history I tried to think of everything.
Your uncle has an extra finger? Calls it his "cigar claw.
" I'll put it in Billie's chart.
Oh, uh, before you go.
Uh, let's see.
Oh, yeah.
Here.
It's a picture of your kid.
Thanks.
Sorry! Looking good! Wow.
I'm sorry.
I don't really know what's going to make me feel better right now, but I'm going to start by putting on my pants.
Well, if it's any comfort, I'm still here for you.
And I'll make you this promise: I'll be here when that baby's born.
Unless it's during the Kentucky Derby.
Um, if it's during the Kentucky Derby, you get a sub.
Seriously? It was on the thing you signed.
Well, you know what? I think this is great.
What? Yeah, I mean, better he leaves now than when the baby's out and can know her daddy abandoned her.
And I can't think how this could be better.
This really sucks, you guys.
Come on, sis.
I'll make you some tea.
You know what goes good with tea? A whole bucket of frosting.
And maybe an entire ham.
Oh, my God.
Come on, you've never eaten an entire ham before? - Hey.
- Hey.
He's back! Everything's better! Shh! Uh, can I talk to Billie for a sec? Now, you just remember, I'm on the end of the phone.
Except my battery's dead, so you just give me a little e-mail.
What a day, huh? It was interesting.
I learned about the pizza box filing system, culinary school, Uncle Cigar Claw.
Oh, yeah.
Well, if you ever meet him, try not to stare at it.
So I guess it comes down to this: Are you staying or going? Well, I was going, but then I was driving along, and I had this epiphany.
I never finished the milk shake from the other day.
And then I saw the picture of the baby and I thought about you.
And there was nothing that could stop me from turning that van around except a parked car.
I left a note.
Actually three notes.
I hit three cars.
How come you never mentioned culinary school? I I don't know.
I figured I'd never get accepted.
I mean, it took me a year just to work up the nerve to send in the application.
And then I got a letter saying I got in.
Well, look, I don't want to be the thing that keeps you from doing what you really want to do.
No, this, this is what I want to do.
It's just really hard for me to say.
Um I'm scared that I'm going to disappoint you and the baby.
And did you know it costs $342,000 to raise a kid, and that may not include shoes? You're looking at it from the time it's born until it turns 18.
And our kid could go barefoot.
Though not in Davis' apartment.
And I'm scared, too.
How about this? Let's just take it one scary thing at a time.
Okay? That is, if you're staying.
Yeah, I am.
Good.
'Cause I think that's better for you and the baby.
Yeah.
And me.
Oh, I guess I should give you this back.
So, bar stool roulette, huh? Not exactly something I'm going to tell the baby.
Oh, you don't know the whole story about that.
You cheated! Of course I did.
See the woman in that picture? Wouldn't you want to get her pregnant? That is the sweetest thing.
And I was actually saving this picture so I could show the baby the first night I met its mother.
I take it back; that is the sweetest thing.
Can I tell you something else? Yeah.
Stay the hell out of my room.
You got it.
When's the Kentucky Derby? First Saturday in May.
Why? No reason.
Oh! Man one scary problem at a time.
One scary problem at a time.
Hey, I was thinking, if that cigar claw thing is hereditary, let's just leave it.
'Cause if we could get him to hold a cigar when he's a baby, that'll be hilarious, right? Right? Zack? Zack? Oh, good.
You're here.
Of course I am.
Is this going to happen every time I brush my teeth?