According To Jim s01e02 Episode Script

"AND WHEN BRADFORD SAW ALL HIS FRIENDS TOGETHER "IN THE MAGIC TREE HOUSE, HE KNEW THAT IT WAS THEM AND NOT THE MAGIC THAT MADE THE TREE HOUSE SO SPECIAL.
" THE END.
HEY, I WANT TO SAY "THE END"! OH, LOOK, LOOK, THERE'S MORE.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
"$5.
00, U.
S.
, $6.
50 CANADA.
" THE END.
OKAY, DADDY'S HOME.
EVERYBODY MAKE A BIG DEAL.
DADDY! DADDY! THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, DEAR.
HONEY? OH, YAY.
OH, HEY, HOW YOU DOING, SIR POOPS-A-LOT? DADDY? MM-HMM? CAN WE HAVE A MAGIC TREE HOUSE LIKE BRADFORD DOES IN THE BOOK? SURE, SURE.
JUST BE SURE TO RETURN MY TOOLS WHEN YOU'RE DONE.
JIM, YOU DID TELL THEM YOU'D BUILD THEM A TREE HOUSE LAST YEAR, BUT SOMEHOW I GOT A FOOSBALL TABLE INSTEAD.
SO, WHAT--YOU DON'T WANT ME TO EXERCISE ANYMORE? OH, COME ON, YOU'RE A CONTRACTOR, ANDY'S AN ARCHITECT.
YOU GUYS CAN DO THIS.
PLEASE, DADDY, PLEASE? WE REALLY WANT A TREE HOUSE.
YOU SEE, THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH READING.
BOOKS ARE WHERE IDEAS COME FROM.
HAH! OH, BABY.
DADDY, CAN YOU PLAY BARBIES WITH US? OH, YOU KNOW, I REALLY WANT TO, BUT I GOT TO WAIT AT LEAST AN HOUR AFTER I EAT BEFORE PLAYING WITH BARBIES.
OTHERWISE I GET A CRAMP.
AND THEN WILL YOU PLAY? SURE.
UNLESS I EAT AGAIN.
HEY, GUYS.
HEY, ANDY, WHERE WERE YOU? YOU MISSED BURGERS.
I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THIS MODEL FOR THE KIDS' TREE HOUSE.
JEEZ.
LOOK AT THE DETAIL ON THIS THING.
WOW.
YOUR NEW TREE HOUSE.
OH, IS THAT A LITTLE RUBY AND A LITTLE GRACIE? MM-HMM, AND THAT'S JIM AND YOU, AND LOOK, THAT'S ME.
WHERE AM I? YOU'RE IN A MODEL OF A RESTAURANT HAVING A BAD DATE.
THE KIDS ARE GONNA LOVE THIS.
SEE? YOU ASK, I DELIVER.
AND WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU DO? I MADE THE ACTUAL GIRLS THAT GO INTO THE TREE HOUSE.
DOES ANYBODY WANT TO GO OUT FOR ICE CREAM? OKAY.
BUT LET'S USE THE LITTLE SAMPLE SPOONS SO WE CAN PRETEND WE'RE GIANTS.
GIRLS, WE'RE GOING OUT FOR ICE CREAM! Girls: YAY! ICE CREAM! HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? WHY DON'T YOU GUYS GO AHEAD? YOU KNOW, KYLE JUST WENT DOWN, AND I'M KIND OF FULL.
YEAH, YEAH, I'M NOT GONNA GO EITHER.
YOU KNOW, I GOTTA SCRAPE THE GRILL, HELP CHERYL CLEAN AND STUFF.
THANKS.
OKAY.
SEE YA.
SEE YOU LATER.
BYE, GIRLS.
SEX? OH, YEAH.
I FIGURE WE GOT OKAY, THAT'S, UH, TWO MINUTES TO GET UNDRESSED, EIGHT MINUTES OF FOREPLAY, FIVE TO MAKE LOVE.
YOU KNOW, I THINK I CAN GET THAT FOREPLAY DOWN TO TWO MINUTES, MAYBE ONE.
GREAT! I CAN GET STARTED ON THE LAUNDRY.
GOOD.
I GOT SOME SHIRTS.
WOW.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
YOU KNOW, AND KEEPING MY SHOES ON REALLY GAVE ME THAT EXTRA TRACTION.
DOES IT EVER GET TO YOU THAT WE ALWAYS HAVE TO SQUEEZE THIS TIME IN BETWEEN LOADS OF LAUNDRY AND BABY PUKE? YEAH, SOMETIMES.
REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE FIRST DATING AND I HAD THAT LITTLE APARTMENT ON SHERIDAN WITH THE LEAKY ROOF? REMEMBER THAT FIRST NIGHT YOU STAYED OVER, IT RAINED AND IT RAINED? AND THEN WHEN THE LIGHTS WENT OUT, WE LIT CANDLES.
GOD IT WAS SO ROMANTIC.
DON'T YOU MISS THAT? [ SNORING .]
YEAH.
[ KYLE CRYING .]
NO, NO, NO, HONEY, SERIOUSLY, LET ME GET IT.
SO, I MADE SURE WE TOOK OUR TIME AT THE ICE CREAM PARLOR, AND WE DROVE AROUND THE BLOCK A FEW TIMES SO YOU AND JIM COULD, YOU KNOW, FINISH WHAT YOU WERE DOING.
WHAT? OH, COME ON, CHERYL, JIM OFFERS TO STAY AND HELP YOU CLEAN UP, AND HE TURNS DOWN ICE CREAM? YOU KNOW, DANA, WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED WITH THREE KIDS, YOU JUST GRAB THE TIME WHEN YOU CAN.
WHY DON'T YOU AND JIM JUST GET AWAY? OH, LIKE ON A TRIP? YEAH.
LOOK, I KNOW HE'S A TIGHTWAD, BUT MY TRAVEL AGENT TOLD ME ABOUT THIS EXCLUSIVE PLACE IN THE BAHAMAS -- NO PHONES, PRIVATE BUNGALOWS, AND THEIR MOTTO IS "WE HATE CHILDREN.
" DANA, I CAN'T JUST PICK UP AND GO.
I'VE GOT KYLE.
THE GIRLS ARE IN SCHOOL.
I NEED A NEW LINT TRAP FOR MY DRYER.
I HAVE A LIFE.
NO, YOU HAVE MOM'S LIFE.
OW.
LOOK, YOU DON'T HAVE TO GIVE UP ROMANCE AND SPONTANEITY JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED TO JIM.
DANA, THERE IS A WHOLE SWEET, ROMANTIC SIDE TO JIM THAT YOU NEVER SEE.
YOU KNOW, THAT MAN GAVE UP ICE CREAM FOR ME.
YOU BRING ME BACK SOME ICE CREAM? NO.
[ SCOFFS .]
SWEETIE? I'LL BE UP IN A MINUTE, ALL RIGHT? I'LL BE ASLEEP, BUT YOU CAN WAKE ME.
DON'T SCRATCH IT.
DON'T SCRATCH IT.
OH! ALL RIGHT, GIVE ME THE NUMBER OF YOUR TRAVEL AGENT.
HEY, HONEY.
HEY.
SO, THE TREE HOUSE IS REALLY COMING ALONG.
YEAH, AND THE GIRLS ARE REALLY EXCITED ABOUT IT.
AND WHEN I SAY "GIRLS," I DO MEAN ANDY.
I CAN HEAR YOU IN THERE! ANDY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THE TREE HOUSE NOW? COME ON! IT'S 10:00.
GO HOME.
JIM, WHILE I GOT YOU HERE, WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO INSTALL THE PHONE JACKS? I CAN THINK OF ONE PLACE, ANDY.
WHAT'S THAT? WELL, I GUESS THIS IS AS GOOD A TIME TO TELL YOU AS ANY.
THIS IS A BOOK.
WHAT'S IT ABOUT? OH, NOTHING.
NOTHING, HUH? MM-HMM.
NO.
[ Laughing .]
NOTHING.
"THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO THE BAHAMAS"? YEAH, 'CAUSE WHEN WE GET THERE, I WANT TO KNOW WHERE ALL THE GOOD STUFF IS.
CHERYL, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I'LL GIVE YOU A LITTLE HINT.
WE'RE GOING TO THE BAHAMAS! JUST YOU AND ME.
WE LEAVE IN THREE WEEKS.
FOUR INCREDIBLE DAYS AT PARADISE ISLAND.
HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WE CAN'T DO THAT.
I MEAN, I'VE GOT MY WORK.
YOU'VE GOT YOURKIDS.
IT'S ALL TAKEN CARE OF.
DANA'S GONNA TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS, AND ANDY'S GONNA COVER FOR YOU AT WORK.
BUT WE CAN'T AFFORD A VACATION.
HONEY, I GOT A GREAT DEAL.
GREAT? OFF-SEASON, MIDWEEK, LAYOVER, TIMESHARE, SEMINAR.
WHAT ABOUT THE AIRFARE? I TOLD THEM WE WERE GOING TO A FUNERAL.
THEY'RE TAKING OFF 50%.
HONEY, DO YOU REALIZE THAT WE HAVEN'T BEEN ALONE SINCE RUBY WAS BORN? I KNOW.
WELL, I GUESS IT COULD BE FUN.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER REALLY SEEN THOSE COCONUT BRAS EXCEPT FOR IN PICTURES.
OH, OH, HONEY, HONEY, HONEY WHAT? BEFORE WE DO THIS YES? COULD WE TALK? SURE.
OKAY.
[ WESTERN DRAWL .]
WELL, HELLO, MA'AM, MY NAME IS BUCK.
HONEY, HONEY, HONEY, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE TRIP.
YOU KNOW HOW WE'RE ALWAYS RUSHING THROUGH SEX? YEAH.
WELL, I MEAN, I THOUGHT, WHAT IF WE HELD OFF FOR THREE WEEKS TILL WE GOT THERE? WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS? HONEY, HONEY, JUST THINK HOW ROMANTIC IT'LL BE WHEN WE'RE FINALLY ALONE.
THREE WEEKS? WE DIDN'T WAIT THAT LONG THE FIRST TIME.
BUT, HONEY, THIS IS GOING TO MAKE IT FEEL JUST LIKE THE FIRST TIME.
NO, IN ORDER TO FEEL LIKE THE FIRST TIME, WE NEED YOUR DAD, A BAT, AND SOME COPS.
NO.
NO WAY.
OH, COME ON.
WHAT ARE YOU TELLING ME HERE? YOU WANT ME TO SPEND A LOT OF MONEY AND HAVE NO SEX FOR THREE WEEKS.
IT'S LIKE I JUST HAD SURGERY.
HONEY, YOU KNOW, IF WE DO HOLD OUT, I PROMISE YOU, BY THE TIME WE GET TO THE BAHAMAS, YOU'LL NEVER EVEN SEE THE BEACH.
WALL TO WALL ACTION? OH, YEAH.
OKAY.
LOOK WHAT I FOUND IN MY UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
LET ME GUESS.
ANOTHER LOVE NOTE FROM THE BUTT SCRATCHER.
YOU KNOW, EVER SINCE WE STARTED THIS WHOLE HOLDING-OUT THING, HE'S BEEN SO ROMANTIC.
YEAH, THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A GUY WHO'S NOT TAKING IT FOR GRANTED.
LISTEN TO THIS.
"DEAR CHERYL, "EVERYTHING GOOD IN MY LIFE IS BECAUSE OF YOU.
I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART.
JIM.
" THAT'S SWEET.
I'M SURPRISED.
OH, LOOK, THERE'S A LITTLE DRAWING ON THE BACK.
WHY IS HE HOLDING A FLASHLIGHT? OHH! AAH! ANDY, THE TREE HOUSE DOES NOT NEED A SKYLIGHT.
JIM, I HAVE AN ARCHITECT'S MIND.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BUILD CRAP.
YEAH? WELL, APPLY YOURSELF.
FINE.
WHY DON'T WE JUST SLAP TOGETHER A FLOOR AND SOME WALLS? YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.
THEN IT WOULD BE A TREE HOUSE! SOMEBODY DOESN'T WANT THE PASSWORD TO THE SECURITY SYSTEM! HEY.
HEY.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU.
OOPS.
SPILLED ON MY SHIRT.
IS HE GONNA DO THIS UNTIL YOU LEAVE? DANA, IT'S JUST A WEEK.
NO, YOUR TRIP'S IN TWO WEEKS.
NO, WE LEAVE IN A WEEK.
UH-OH.
DANA, I WAS VERY CLEAR WITH YOU.
NO, I WROTE IT DOWN ON A PIECE OF PAPER.
I WAS VERY SPECIFIC ABOUT OUR SCHEDULE.
LOOK, I REMEMBER YOU SAID YOU WERE LEAVING THE DAY AFTER MOM'S BIRTHDAY.
THAT'S THE 23rd.
THAT'S THE 16th, WHICH I SHOULD HAVE REALIZED YOU WOULDN'T KNOW BECAUSE I ALWAYS BUY HER PRESENT.
I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU'RE MAKING THIS ABOUT YOU.
DANA, YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR SCHEDULE.
WELL, I CAN'T.
I'M GONNA BE IN NEW YORK ON BUSINESS.
CAN'T YOU CHANGE YOUR TRIP? NO, DANA, IT'S A WHOLE PACKAGE! IN A FEW WEEKS, HURRICANE SEASON'S GOING TO BE OVER AND PRICES ARE GOING TO SKYROCKET.
CAN'T YOU ASK ANDY TO WATCH THE KIDS? Andy: GIVE ME BACK MY HAMMER! ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME CRY, JIM? GIVE IT! GIVE IT! DON'T LOOK AT ME! I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO TELL JIM THE TRIP IS OFF.
HEY.
HEY.
THIS IS FOR YOU.
OH NO MATTER HOW BEAUTIFUL THIS ROSE IS, IT CAN'T COMPARE TO THE BEAUTIFULNESS OF YOU.
OH LOVE YOU.
[ SIGHS .]
LOVE YOU.
MAYBE I'LL TELL HIM TOMORROW.
I GOT YOUR HAMMER NOW! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT? [ MUSIC PLAYING .]
MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE? OH, JIM, I -- SHH.
NO WORDS.
OH, JIM, WE REALLY HAVE TO DISCUSS SOMETHING.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
ONLY ONE BEER ON THE PLANE.
OH, HONEY, UM WE'RE NOT GOING ON THE TRIP.
WHAT? THERE WAS A SCREW-UP WITH DANA'S SCHEDULE, AND SHE CAN'T WATCH THE KIDS.
I HAD TO CANCEL.
OH, MAN, WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? WELL THREE DAYS AGO.
YOU'VE KNOWN ABOUT THIS FOR THREE DAYS? WELL, YEAH, BUT, HONEY, I'D TRY TO TELL YOU AND YOU'D -- YOU'D WRITE ME A POEM OR BRING ME A ROSE, ASK ME TO DANCE.
AND I JUST DIDN'T WANT IT TO END.
I'M SORRY.
OH, I'M SORRY, TOO.
I WAS REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT, HONEY.
YEAH.
OKAY.
LET'S HAVE SEX.
WHAT? DO THE MATH.
YOU OWE ME THREE DAYS' WORTH.
I OWE YOU? YEAH.
YOU BETTER GET STARTED.
YOU GOT CHILDREN TO RAISE.
OKAY, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
THESE PAST FEW DAYS HAVE BEEN -- BEEN SO SPECIAL TO ME.
IT'S LIKE YOU WERE COURTING ME AGAIN.
WHAT, IS THAT OUT THE WINDOW? NO, I WAS GONNA KISS YOU.
YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE.
I KNOW, AND I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED.
ALL RIGHT.
GO AHEAD.
TAKE ME.
DO WHAT YOU WANT.
YES! COULD YOU BE MORE INSENSITIVE? WOULD IT MAKE YOU HOTTER? WHAT? CHERYL? "WHAT?" CHERYL, COME ON.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S BEEN LYING ABOUT THIS FOR THREE DAYS, AND I'M THE ONE IN TROUBLE? Andy: WOMEN.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? ANDY! OKAY, ALL YOU DO IS GO UP TO YOUR DAD AND SAY, "DADDY, WE THINK THAT CROWN MOLDING "WILL ADD AN AIR OF TIMELESS ELEGANCE TO OUR TREE HOUSE.
" CAN YOU DO THAT? YOU SMELL LIKE CHICKEN.
HEY.
HELLO.
HEY, JIM, SHE'S NOT MOVING.
JUMP ON HER.
THAT'S GREAT.
THAT'S REALLY GREAT.
EVERYONE IN YOUR FAMILY ALWAYS HAS TO KNOW ABOUT OUR PRIVATE STUFF.
OH, BELIEVE ME, IT'S NO NEWS FLASH THAT ALL GUYS CARE ABOUT IS SEX.
THANK YOU.
AND ANY GUY THAT TELLS YOU ANYTHING DIFFERENT IS EITHER LYING OR JUST HAD SEX.
SO YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT THESE PAST FEW DAYS WHEN YOU'VE BEEN SO ROMANTIC, ALL YOU REALLY CARED ABOUT WAS GETTING SOME? YES! WELL, THAT WAS OUR AGREEMENT -- NO-GETTIN'-SOME, THEN A LOTTA SOME.
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL, JIM.
OH, COME ON, CHERYL.
I WAS JUST BEING HONEST WITH YOU.
I MEAN, ALL GUYS ARE LIKE THAT.
THAT'S WHY WE OPEN DOORS FOR YOU.
THAT'S WHY WE SEND YOU FLOWERS.
THAT'S WHY WE REMEMBER YOUR NAMES.
OH, COME ON! THE FIRST NIGHT WE MET, YOU TOLD ME THAT EVEN IF YOU NEVER SAW ME AGAIN, IT WAS ENOUGH JUST TO KNOW THAT A WOMAN LIKE ME EXISTED.
WELL, HONEY, I SAID THAT TO A BUNCH OF WOMEN THAT NIGHT.
REALLY? CHERYL, THE WAY YOU WERE LOOKING AT ME, YOU WERE THERE FOR THE EXACT SAME REASON I WAS.
GUESS WHAT.
I WASN'T EVEN LOOKING AT YOU.
CHERYL.
COME ON, CHERYL.
YOU WERE PRACTICALLY DROOLING ALL OVER ME.
ACTUALLY CHERYL, DON'T TELL HIM -- I WAS DROOLING OVER THE GUY BEHIND YOU.
YOU WERE IN THE WAY.
OKAY.
THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW.
SINCE EVERYBODY ELSE DOES.
OHH.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I SAID THAT.
CHERYL, AS YOUR BROTHER, MAYBE I CAN HELP.
I THINK WHAT JIM NEEDS FROM YOU RIGHT NOW IS IS ABOUT 50 LINEAR FEET OF CROWN MOLDING.
KIDS? CHERYL? ANYBODY? "PLAY ME.
" HMM.
Cheryl, on video: HI, JIM.
I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET, AND I FEEL BAD ABOUT THAT.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT THING.
AND I REALLY WANT TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
GRACIE, STOP LICKING YOUR SISTER! Gracie: SHE LICKED ME FIRST! I DON'T CARE! ANYWAY I WANT YOU TO MEET ME UP IN THE TREE HOUSE.
I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU.
I GOTTA GO.
GOODBYE.
[ THUNDER .]
HI.
I GOT YOUR TAPE.
YOU SURE YOU WANT ME HERE AND NOT THAT OTHER GUY? WHAT GUY? THE GUY, THE GUY -- YOU KNOW THE GUY.
THE GUY BEHIND ME.
THE GUY IF I EVER MEET HIM, I'M GONNA KICK HIS BUTT.
THAT GUY.
HONEY, I LOOKED AT HIM FOR TWO SECONDS.
I SPENT THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU.
OH, I'M SORRY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
SINCE YOU'RE NEW AT THIS "I'VE DONE SOMETHING STUPID AND I WANT TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU" THING, I GUESS I CAN WALK YOU THROUGH THE STEPS.
YOU KNOW, WHY DON'T WE SEE HOW I DO ON MY OWN? WHOA! YOU JUST SKIPPED TO STEP FIVE.
I LOVE MY LIFE WITH YOU AND OUR BEAUTIFUL KIDS AND THIS RIDICULOUSLY OVER-THE-TOP TREE HOUSE.
YEAH.
I WAS THINKING OF MOVING IN HERE AND GIVING THE HOUSE TO THE KIDS.
SO, HONEY HMM? HOW MANY WOMEN DID YOU HIT ON THAT NIGHT? FIVE.
ALTHOUGH IT TURNS OUT ONE OF THEM WASN'T APPARENTLY A WOMAN.
AHEM.
ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO CONFESS? YOU MEAN ABOUT THAT NIGHT, OR LIFE IN GENERAL? LET'S OPEN IT UP.
OPEN IT UP? OH, YEAH.
WELL, UH, OKAY.
I WASN'T REALLY SCOUTED BY THE CUBS WHEN I WAS ON THE HIGH SCHOOL BASEBALL TEAM.
WOW.
ANYTHING ELSE? I WASN'T ON THE HIGH SCHOOL BASEBALL TEAM.
ANYTHING YOU WANT TO SPILL? I WAS NEVER A VOLUNTEER FIREWOMAN IN COLLEGE.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE ANYMORE.
LISTEN TO THE RAIN.
IT'S JUST LIKE IT WAS THAT FIRST NIGHT.
YEAH.
HOW LONG DO YOU WANT TO LISTEN TO THE RAIN? ALL NIGHT.
BUT I CAN DO TWO THINGS AT ONCE.
I SURE HOPE ONE OF THEM IS SEX.