Action Team (2018) s01e02 Episode Script

(ANGRY SHOUTING) (SHOUT IN OWN LANGUAGE) (SHOUT ORDERS) The antelope's tail.
Isn't that beautiful? Alesky, how long's this support? (PHONE) Hello, caller.
You are through to Vladimir Schevchenko's main office.
You are on his speaker phone.
Everybody say hello.
Hello! Hi! Vladimir, it is me, my love.
Oh, hey, baby girl! How are you? You'll never guess who I'm with! Rengard.
He's the toughest guy I know.
You know, he doesn't feel any pain.
In fact, since he was shot in his head, he doesn't feel anything at all! SYNTHESISED SPEECH: Good to meet you.
Mr Softy is so in love with you.
I love you.
I am so needy.
Hello.
Hell.
Rengard, what are you doing? I'm trying to play cool with this chick, you fucking Baby, he was just joking, my love.
He was just pranking around, like a pranker.
My darling, we have successfully seized the antelope's tail! You swear it on your life? Double swears, and no returns.
I completely believe you.
Bring it to me! (CHUCKLES CONTENTEDLY) You're such a good listener.
Well, I have to be.
It's part of my job.
What is it that you do? I, um, I make those big hats that Chinese people wear.
Oh, right.
Don't they call them conicals? Oh, I don't know about that.
I think it's fine just to call them Chinese people.
Er, no, I meant thehats.
(EMBARRASSED CHUCKLING) (TEXT ALERT) Oh, sorry, I must get that.
Dammit! Damn it.
My grandmother.
Her parakeet, John Edward, has escaped.
I must go to her.
I need you to know that I I like you and, um, you look beautiful tonight.
The lighting, and the way you've done your hair.
You should go find that parakeet.
What? What? What? Oh, yes, of Yeah.
Yeah, of course.
Good night, pretty lady.
Right.
Now, as you know, we have been working tirelessly on building a file on Vlad Schevchenko.
Up until now, intell has been relatively scarce.
But last night, we made a massive breakthrough, OK? This is Rebekkah Volk.
Anne, as we've practised.
So she is Vlad Schevchenko's girlfriend, but we believe potentially his number two.
Right.
We have been monitoring Volk's phone activity and we have found some very interesting information.
Anne? Thanks, Ruth.
On Tuesday, she contacted Schevchenko from Rabat.
Then she called him again on Wednesday Thursday, Ljubljana, Slovenia.
Now, we believe she is taking something to him.
We have also found out that she is having a birthday party in Sofia, Bulgaria.
I need Volk bugged.
I want her filmed.
Logan, you are going to have to befriend her, so do whatever is necessary.
I gotta throw this into the mix.
I've just started seeing someone.
Have ya? It's early days, but I really like this girl.
Congratulations.
Listen, I'm happy to tap it.
(SNIFFS) It's not my bag, but when I've had a drink, I've messed about with mates and stuff.
Any hole's a goal, and all that.
No, Monica.
Thank you.
Logan, your target.
Yes, sir? I'll have an apple Martini and a cheese toastie.
Thank you.
A man should watch his back at a party he's not invited to.
Back off, knucklehead.
Well, now, talk about going from scared to horny in five seconds! Oh, you should still be scared, Mr? Mann.
Logan Mann.
We know who you are.
No-one else would have the balls to walk into the tiger's den! Oh, I think you'll find it's called the lion's den.
No.
This place is called The Tiger's Den.
So it is.
Well, I stand corrected Miss Volk.
Um, Monica What do I do with this vase again? Pop it on the side, there, point it at the bed.
Where's the camera, though? I can't even see it.
Well, you're not supposed to, are ya? It's hidden inside, you gunk! (SHE SIGHS) (MOBILE RINGS) Hi, Anne! 'Hi, Graham!' I was wondering, um when you get back do you fancy maybe grabbing a drink? Yeah! I mean, no, yeah! No.
Yeah.
I mean, that sounds like the invite of a lifetime, if I'm honest.
Shit.
Gotta go.
Gotta go, Anne.
Sorry.
Monica, incoming.
Incoming two bogies.
Incoming! Shit! Quick! Quick, quick, quick.
Fuck! We need to hide! We need to hide! Quick! I love hide and seek! This is my game, you know.
This one time, I was hiding, and to this very day, they've never found me! Right.
Don't you think they just stopped looking for ya? Listen, you get under that bed and you do not fucking breathe or I swear I will fucking smother you! Tonight has been nice, eh? It's been a perfect night.
Just perfect.
But Sergei .
.
I can't do this.
Can't do what? Even when everything is perfect, being with you, it just doesn't feel right.
When did you make this decision? You, my whole life, you have been the most beautiful person I have ever met! Stop.
I've always loved you! And you can love me again.
Sergei, stop.
(SERGEI SOBS) I love Borisco.
Borisco? Borisco? The bee-keeper?! Look, I just need some time.
We need to get back to the party.
Don't touch me! You'll be all right.
Don't touch me, cheating pig! (SOBS BITTERLY) Huh, it's a funny old thing, Miss Volk.
Usually after this amount of flirting I can usually rustle up at least a kiss.
There are too many eyes here.
I have an apartment across the road.
Count to 1,000 and join me there.
One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi, five Mississippi, six Mississippi, seven Mississippi, eight Mississippi, nine Mississippi (TAP ON DOOR) What took you so long? I'm sorry.
I was waiting for a toastie.
How was it? Cheesy.
Surprise! I am not what or who you think I am.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, now.
Looks like a little fly has landed in the spider's web.
The famous Logan Mann of Action Team.
Secret agent, killer, lover.
Wow! Licking me! I feel like an ice cream! Aghh! I am a sleeper agent, Mr Mann.
You didn't see that coming, huh? Well, you say that, but it's quite common for a lot of people in this industry not to be who they say they are.
There's an awful lot of lying.
I have been deep undercover in Schevchenko's organisation for many years.
We've become lovers.
Mm-hm.
Originally I was working for the Russians.
Oh? But I don't trust them any more.
I don't trust anyone! I don't really need the whole back story.
I kind of only need the bits about Vladimir Schevchenko and what his next move is.
Enough talking, Mr Mann.
Make love to me! Oh, you are deceptively strong, Miss Volk! I must commend you on that.
OK, just slow down! What if we just chat? Let's just have a chat.
Or maybe a cuddle? Just get to know each other.
Hello! Ah, Jesus! Ow! OW! Aghh! What are you doing? That's my nose! Agent, you are going to have to penetrate the target.
What are you doing? Just getting a rubber johnnie.
A good agent always carries protection.
'Oh, yes.
Of course.
' Hah.
(CLEARS HIS THROAT) (SLAPPING SOUNDS) Uh, what's the matter? The little fellow's just standing to attention.
Uh (LOGAN COUGHS NERVOUSLY) Slow down! You're gonna pull it off.
Agent, take control of the situation.
(I'm trying!) Do you want me to talk dirty to you, ja? Yeah, yeah, go for it.
Go for it.
Push it out.
Push it Aghh! Aghh! (SHE GROWLS) You make me sick, you snivelling troll pig! Troll pig? That hurts my feelings.
I feel hurt by that.
Do you want me to lick your rumpus? Come on, who even are you? I'm running out of ideas! This has never happened to me before! You know what? Take a chill pill! Take it down a notch or eight! Right.
Has anybody got any advice? (How many people are watching this?) We need this information.
Does anybody have any suggestions at all? Try sticking a finger up his bum.
What was that? It stimulates the prostate.
(Is that my biscuits?) Logan, did you get that? Try sticking your finger up your bum.
I am not doing that.
That's disgusting! Stick your finger up your bum, Agent.
There must be something I can do.
Tell me! Uh There is one thing you could try.
(HE GROANS PLEASURABLY) 'Is that nice?' 'Not so deep.
Pull it out a bit.
'You've got long old nails, so 'Ahh! Ohh! 'Ohhh Oh, God!' 'Ahh!' 'Oh, yeah, you've pulled a winner.
Ohhh!' (GRUNTS PLEASURABLY) (BOTH GROAN ECSTATICALLY) (HIS CRIES GROW MORE EXCITED) (BOTH ORGASM) Logan I have the antelope's tail.
Antelope's tail? 'It is a mysterious digital device.
' They say that owning it is the key to global power.
'And Vlad is using me on the penultimate leg as mule 'to transport the device into Russia.
'I'll be boarding the 6:20 train from Poduyane station.
'I will have the device disguised as a gift for my nephew.
'I will be accompanied by two other close associates.
'If you can take care of them, 'then you can make the escape with the device' before the final station at the Romanian border.
And then you might just save the world.
Oh, I'll save it, all right! I will save it! Shh! You haven't washed your finger since you stuck it up my arse.
Oh! Oh, sorry.
Yeah.
It's on the end of my nose.
Yeah.
Go and have a wash.
Poduyane Station.
I'll be there.
Let's kick this thing on the deck.
'Roger that.
' Preparing to board.
(THUD) Ooh.
Is that you on the roof, Guv? It's fast and it's vast! Hee-ahh! Are you going to ignore me all day? I'm not ignoring you, baby.
I'm just doing my job.
Were you just doing your job at breakfast when I was eating all alone? Are you going to do this here? You're kidding me right now.
You know, I don't even know who you are any more.
You should go to him.
Monica! Aghh! Aghhh! (RINGING TONE) Hi, Rebekkah.
You need to come now.
'You need to come now!' Monica.
Monica, it's me.
You need to get to Volk as soon as you can.
'Get to Volk.
' (MOBILE RINGS) Oh, no, it's Samantha! Hey, baby! Hi.
Sorry, is this a bad time? Oh, no, no.
It's a perfect time! Was everything OK with your grandma? Did you find her parakeet? I found her parakeet.
How have you been? OK? How have you been? Oh, um, hello? Samantha! I'm on my way, boss man.
Are you in position? Call that a negative.
I haven't moved from this spot.
(SPEAKS BULGARIAN) Excuse me, mate.
In a rush.
Step aside.
You have ticket? No, no, no.
No ticket.
I'm a spy.
No ticket, no train.
No, you're not listening to me, yeah? Saving world.
World.
Saving w (IN BULGARIAN) Do me a favour! Uh Am I doing all right? No, good, yeah.
No, you're doing OK.
You're doing OK.
Have you had much experience in an all-terrain vehicle? Uh, well, not exactly, but I'm learning in a Micra.
OK.
Well it's pretty much the same principle.
This obviously has a bit more muscle than your average Micra.
Now, you've got your hands ten to two.
Lovely.
Well done.
And when the train comes, we'll have to give it more gas.
OK? That's the train.
So, uh, you need to Shall I go faster, now? Yeah, foot to the metal, please, mate.
LOGAN: Aghhh! Who are you? I'm with Action Team.
I believe I'll be needing this.
Ta.
(HE SPLUTTERS) Did someone order a hero? Nah.
Nah, we're all right, mate.
Let's crack on, yeah? Logan Mann I will always be in all of the shadows.
Listen, Rebekkah I gotta go.
(TERRIFIED GASPS) What the? Dammit! Why? Listen to me.
The only people that knew what we knew that we knew what we knew are the people watching me and Volk make love in that bedroom last night.
Obviously I'm gonna call it as I see it.
We've got ourselves a mole.
Or Volk double-crossed us.
Get off me! Where is Alesky? We broke up.
He's gone away with Borisco.
Borisco the bee-keeper?! Really? Huh! Where is the package? Sorry, but we got ambushed.
I don't have package.
Oh, you see, I am not as stupid as you like to know.
My darling, I never think you're stupid.
Enough! Stop pissing on my face and telling me it rains! Please I love you! I love you! No! I know you had sex with Logan! Oh TEARFULLY: How do you think that makes me feel? Hmm? When we've been going steady for two semesters and I don't even get to second base! Just a little bit of top half.
"Only touch my boobies.
" And then you stick your finger up his arse? COMPUTER VOICE: I like the sound of that! No, Rengard, no.
Not now.
Take her away to tin mines.
Oh, no! No, no, no! Not the tin mines! No! No, I love you! Please! No! Sergei, come.