After Life (2019) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
1 I don't want you to grieve forever.
I mean, grieve a bit.
I want everyone in floods at the funeral.
But don't spiral, don't obsess.
Keep going.
Get up.
Don't mope about in bed all day.
Get out.
Open the curtains.
Enjoy the sun while you can.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
[EXHALES.]
[TONY PANTING.]
[BRANDY PANTING.]
[SIGHS.]
- Hungry? - [BRANDY WHINES.]
[SIGHS.]
If you could open a tin, I'd be dead now.
But you can't, can ya? 'Cause you're useless.
Who's useless? Who's useless? You are! You are.
You're useless.
Good girl.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[PAT HUFFS.]
Do you still want me to put it through the door? No, you can give it to me.
Just a postcard from Mike and Beth, whoever they are.
Friends.
What's it say? Just says, "Having a great time, and Mike's had diarrhea.
" Good.
Well, let's hope you're still my postman when I'm blind.
Go on.
[WOMAN.]
Well, we went to that nice Greek restaurant that we usually go to.
You know that one at the top of the road? Well, Sheila was in a terrible mood again.
Well I'm going mad.
You're only mad if they answer back.
He does answer back.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
What's he say? Depends what I ask him.
'Course.
Your mum? My wife.
Oh.
Sorry.
Stan was my husband.
I'm Anne.
I'm Tony.
Nice to meet you.
He seems nice.
- Does he agree? - Of course.
Never disagreed with me once.
Not in 48 years.
[CHUCKLES.]
I didn't get that long.
[BREATHES IN DEEPLY.]
I met a nice lady in the graveyard, Dad.
Don't tell Lisa.
[QUIETLY.]
Fuck me.
She's more your age.
A bit of Viagra [WHISTLES.]
Bob's your uncle.
Is he? Always nice to chat.
Right, here we go at last.
- [TONY.]
Hi.
- [NURSE.]
Sorry about that.
Hi.
Right, cuppa tea.
Two sugars.
Right, let's get you sorted, give you a wee comb.
Doesn't look too bad, actually, does it? It's nice out there today.
We'll get out in the garden later on, eh? [SIGHING.]
I don't know how you do it.
- What? - Stay sane.
He doesn't know what you're on about, does he? He doesn't remember you, I bet.
He doesn't know he's alive.
- What is the point? - What do you mean, "What's the point?" They helped us when they could, now they can't.
He can't even help himself, so I do.
No, I know.
But is it for the best? We don't know what they're feeling.
They don't know.
[NURSE.]
So just in case, be nice to them, eh? - [NURSE SIGHS.]
- [TONY.]
My dad's completely gone now.
I feel bad that I resent having to visit him every day, but I know I'd feel bad if I didn't visit every day.
And then when I do visit him every day, I feel bad when I leave 'cause it was so depressing.
I know I'm not thinking straight, but I don't wanna think straight 'cause when I do, I get even more fucking depressed because I just wanna sleep.
You know, I haven't Sorry, am I boring you? I just got into an argument on Twitter with some absolute moron medical student.
Now he's decided to block me 'cause he couldn't take it.
[SCOFFS.]
It's pathetic.
It is, yeah.
[THERAPIST SCOFFS.]
I'd love to meet him.
- Yeah? - And fucking give him a good hiding.
[CHUCKLES.]
[MELANCHOLY PIANO.]
[TONY.]
Off to buy some smack? Yep.
How much do you get for that then? Err, just, um It's like a little bag.
I might join you one day.
Yeah, anytime.
Tonight? Err How do you mean? I wanna try heroin tonight.
What, you? Really? Yeah.
Why not? Fuck it.
How much for one try? Erm One try, one hit.
What do you want exactly? Not injecting it.
I can't stand needles.
Also AIDS.
I don't wanna die of that.
You only get AIDS if you share needles.
Anyway, these days, you don't really die of it, so So, everything moves on, dunnit? Even AIDS.
Yeah, it's probably best if you smoke a bit in a joint.
It's no big deal.
Chasing the dragon.
[SNORTS QUIETLY.]
Yeah.
Okay.
Get me, err twenty quids' worth.
- Just want a little taster.
- [JULIAN.]
Okay.
- Bring it around at seven, yeah? - Yep.
- [TONY.]
D'you know where I live? - Yeah.
And keep it - All right? - Okay.
- You ready, Jabba? - [LENNY.]
One minute.
You get a lovely little handful of his neck.
Like a pug.
[BRADEN.]
You all right? How's it going? I'm still alone, angry, in pain.
I can't wait to end it all.
You? I'm fine, thanks.
If you're not killing yourself tonight, still okay to look after George? Yeah.
What time did we say? About five.
I've got a thing with Jill.
Only be a couple of hours.
We'll be back by seven.
Seven? By seven? I need to I've got a thing at seven.
Yeah.
- Okay.
- What were you doing with his neck? Just showing Sandy the ropes.
The consistency, which is not like neck at all.
- It's more like breast or scrotum.
- Well, you're not touching them.
- You all right with that? - Yeah, fine.
[SIGHS.]
[TONY.]
He's nodding.
- You all right with that? - Yeah.
Why wouldn't she be all right with me grabbing his neck? These days, it's a minefield.
- Are you gonna do that story? - Yeah, we're off to do it now.
Come on.
Is that how you were carried around when you were young? - [TONY.]
See ya later.
- [LENNY.]
See ya.
See ya.
["LONDON'S BURNING" ON THE RECORDER.]
[RECORDER CONTINUES.]
[RECORDER HITS HIGH NOTES.]
Wow.
[SCOFFS, STUTTERS.]
Lost for words.
It's just [TONY.]
Um Err How long did it take you to master the double-nostril recorder? Few hours a day for a few weeks, wasn't it? [CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
Blimey.
Did me head in.
[LAUGHS INSINCERELY.]
All worth it now, though.
- [WOMAN.]
Yeah.
- [TONY.]
Yeah.
Cool.
'Cause I haven't got a job.
No? So I've got lots of time.
[CHUCKLES.]
Use it wisely.
[TONY.]
Funny, 'cause it was only this morning, I was thinking my life was worthless, and I should definitely kill myself, and then Makes you think, dunnit? Yeah.
Get a picture? Recorders in.
- [RECORDERS WHISTLE.]
- [LENNY.]
Stick em up.
There ya go.
- [CAMERA BEEPS.]
- [TONY.]
Fuck me.
- [LENNY.]
Cheers.
- [WOMAN.]
Thanks.
[LENNY.]
Thank you.
[TONY, SIGHING.]
Oh, fuck.
[LENNY AND WOMAN MUTTERING.]
[INDISTINCT DIALOGUE.]
That was funny.
[TONY.]
Was it though? A fat kid who still lives at home with his mum, no job, so he shoves recorders up his nose and he wants the world to know.
Why would people rather be famous for being shit than not famous at all? When did that start? It's just a bit of a laugh.
We do these stories so people read them and go, "Oh, that's interesting.
" Like a road accident.
When you slow down on the motorway you go, "Oh, that's interesting.
Oh, I wish I hadn't looked.
" Good how he played two at the same time.
- [TONY.]
What did you say to the mother? - Asked if I could call her.
- [TONY.]
Why? - What do you mean, "why?" - Why would you need to call her? - For a date.
You asked the fat kid's mom out on a date? Yeah.
- [TONY.]
Unbelievable.
- Why? [TONY.]
Unprofessional.
Embarrassing.
For who? For me, for her, probably.
Well, she said yes.
[TONY.]
Seems odd.
You meet a woman who wants to get a fat kid in the paper, and you hit on her immediately.
I've got a very high sex drive.
Okay, well never say those words again.
[COMPUTER KEYBOARD CLATTERING.]
Oh.
It's coming this way.
Be very still and it might not see us.
Nah, we're done for.
It's stopping.
- All right? - [SANDY.]
Hi.
- [DISTANT TELEPHONE RINGING.]
- [KATH SIGHS.]
Do you have weird dreams? [SANDY.]
Erm - Sometimes.
- [KATH.]
Mmm.
Yeah.
What about you? I don't have any dreams at the moment 'cause I'm not sleeping.
But even if I did, I wouldn't tell them to anyone because there is nothing more boring than someone telling you a dream they had.
See what you think of this then.
- She's gonna tell us anyway.
- [KATH.]
I was looking in the mirror, and I looked really weird and I could pull my hair out - I know how you feel.
- And So I tried my teeth, and my teeth were loose, but then, it wasn't me, it was a baby.
What the hell does that mean? Wow.
You had that dream with the baby and the teeth and the hair? - Mmm.
- Wow, I don't know if it was Freud or Jung that said if you have that dream and tell other people about it, you're really fucking boring.
Rude.
Make a good column, though, wouldn't it, dreams? [TONY.]
No.
I tell you what would be good.
I haven't been sleeping, so if you could come around every night and talk to me for five minutes, and then sneak out as I slip into a coma, that'd be really good.
[KATH.]
Thought of another feature for the paper, actually.
Fantasy dinner-party guests.
Brilliant, hey? Pick your top five favorite people, and why.
Why, indeed.
Who would yours be? Five people, dead or alive.
Dead.
- Who, though? - Doesn't matter, as long as they're dead.
[SIGHING.]
I know mine.
- [TONY.]
Of course you do.
- Number one, James Corden.
- Fuck me.
- We could do that Carpool Karaoke.
Could you do Carpool Kamikaze? That man can do anything.
- And does.
- I know the cool kids don't like him, but he never stops working.
- As a chauffeur mainly.
- He's a grafter, like me.
Princess Diana.
She'd know how she died.
You know, what happened.
So we'd be able to sort that out, once and for all.
So you've brought this poor woman back to life so you can quiz her about how she died? The dead always want to tell their story so they can be at peace.
She's not at peace.
She's in a room with you and James fuckin' Corden.
- Mr.
Bean.
- Fictional.
Hilarious, more like.
You've invited multimillionaire Rowan Atkinson, right, along to a dinner party with you, a dead woman, and James Corden, and you expect him to stay in character for three hours as Mr.
fuckin' Bean? It's up to me who I invite.
Kevin Hart, funniest man in the world.
- That's four, innit? - Yeah.
- Michael Jackson.
- [TONY SCOFFS.]
James Corden would come if Jacko walked in.
Just fuckin' drench everyone.
You need to grow up.
Worst dinner party ever.
[SIGHING.]
Oh, good.
Busy? - Trying to be.
- It doesn't look like you are.
Watching her bothering us while we're trying to work? Can you do what I asked you to do, please? You're meant to be teaching Sandy She's learning a lot.
Please.
Right, it's going.
Come on.
- No, come on.
- Yeah.
- This is stupid.
You're gonna get hurt.
- Why? - Because you're old! - I'm not old.
- [LISA.]
I'm old.
Look, I'm drunk.
- Come on.
- I know, but that's good if you're drunk.
- No, it's stupid.
Drunk people, they sort of bounce.
All right, come on.
If I fall on you, I'm not taking you to A&E.
- [TONY.]
No.
Okay.
- Right, go.
Go.
[LAUGHING.]
Stupid thing! - [WHOOPING.]
I'm flying! - [TONY WHOOPS.]
[TONY LAUGHING LOUDLY.]
Yes! [TONY.]
Let go, sweetie.
Let go.
- [TONY.]
Whoa! Argh! [LAUGHING.]
- [LISA LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.]
[KEYBOARD CLATTERING.]
So what sort of journalism are you interested in? You don't have to babysit me.
I'm happy to just sit here.
I like peace and quiet.
I live at home with my mum, dad, brother and sister, so the house can be quite full of life.
- [SANDY SIGHS.]
- What? - [QUIETLY.]
I'm sorry.
- What? What's the matter? You're sad.
It's fine, seriously.
I was married for 25 years.
It was brilliant.
Now it's over.
It's not your problem.
- Did you not want any kids? - No.
- Annoying little fuckers.
- [LAUGHS AND SIGHS.]
You can still be happy.
[WHISPERING.]
I'll try, but stop crying because people will think I said summat awful.
- Okay.
- [WHISPERING.]
Okay.
Shhhh.
See, this is why I don't want kids.
They're too snotty and pathetic.
[SANDY LAUGHS.]
Oh! I think he's gonna eat.
Watch this.
He told you to watch me eat, didn't he? Yeah.
- Thoughts? - It's fine.
No, exactly.
I put the food in my gob, I chew it, I swallow it, just like everyone else.
But from here, it looks like that super photography when they sort of magnify a snail, like one thousand times, eating a cabbage.
No, nothing like that.
You'd never catch me eating cabbages.
My granddad never used to eat cabbages.
Did he die of diabetes like he's gonna? No, bowel cancer.
Do you get any fiber in your diet? Yeah, loads.
- What fruit and veg? - Meant to have five a day.
- How many portions do you have a day? - Ten.
- Potatoes don't count.
- None, then.
- [KLAXON HOOTS.]
- [LISA SCREAMS.]
- [TONY LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.]
- Oh, my God, Tony! [LAUGHS.]
- You're such a dick! - [TONY LAUGHING.]
Oh! - That's really good.
- [LISA.]
Thanks.
[TONY.]
I like to think that I helped - [LISA.]
Yeah, that bit.
- [TONY LAUGHING.]
- [LISA.]
You can sign that bit.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
[LISA.]
Yeah, where I jumped.
- [BRADEN.]
Hey.
You all right? - Good.
All right, George? - So I'll be back about seven.
- Make sure it is.
I've got that thing.
- Okay, no worries.
See you then.
- Yep.
Be a good boy for Uncle Tony, George! Um, maybe don't bring up the wanting to kill yourself thing.
As if I would.
Sorry.
Yeah, I know.
Okay.
What if he brings it up? Why would he bring it up? He wouldn't.
It was a joke.
Oh.
[LAUGHS FEEBLY.]
- All right, see ya later.
- See ya later.
- Do you want a drink? - Yes, please.
- Whiskey? - [CHUCKLES.]
And we've got Oh.
Coke? [CAN OPENING.]
[TONY SIGHS.]
Daddy says you're sad since Auntie Lisa died.
Yep.
I'm sad, too.
I dream about her sometimes.
Me too.
Why didn't the doctors make her better? They tried.
Why didn't Jesus save her? 'Cause he's an arsehole.
[LAUGHS.]
- Don't tell your mum and dad I said that.
- I won't.
- You had your tea? - No.
- Hungry? - Yeah.
Shall we go to the cafe? - [GEORGE.]
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Come on then.
- You got any money? - No.
Loser.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[TONY.]
What d'you fancy? - Mmm Fish fingers and beans.
[TONY.]
Good choice.
Think I'll have that.
- What can I get for ya? - We're having the fish fingers and beans.
That's only on the children's menu, I'm afraid.
Yeah, I'm not very hungry.
I can't let you order that.
What do you mean? It's for children.
[LAUGHS.]
But I can eat what children eat, can't I? Yeah, but it's only £4.
99.
Yeah, I know, 'cause it's a smaller portion.
I'm paying child's prices, but I'm getting a children's portion.
Yeah, but we made it cheaper 'cause it's for kids.
I know, 'cause they're smaller.
It's smaller 'cause they're smaller.
It's not a concession.
It's not 'cause they're unemployed, is it? And also, an adult's paying, so It's the rules.
- Is it? - Mmm.
Right.
Well, he'll have fish fingers and beans twice.
- You'll just eat one of them, won't ya? - Nah.
So what are you ordering? As I say, I'm not very hungry, so I'll just get a coffee.
[HUFFS.]
Both for him, are they? - That good? - Mm.
[CUSTOMERS CHATTERING.]
Mmm.
[BRANDY PANTING.]
[UNDER BREATH.]
Fuckin' 'ell.
[QUIETLY.]
Where's your fuckin' dad? - [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Oh.
Oh, no.
Please don't be Julian.
Please don't be Julian.
Yes! - George! - I'm sorry, erm [TONY.]
It's all right.
See ya later.
- Cheers.
- [BRADEN.]
There he is.
All right? - See you tomorrow.
- All right? - Yeah, good.
- Yeah? - Had a good time? - Yeah, good.
Off you Fuck.
- Hey, what are you doing here? - [TONY.]
Because he's come around to talk about getting started on the paper.
- Not this.
- Oh, right.
- Great.
- Exactly.
- Right - [BRADEN.]
Got a takeaway? It's drugs.
- You don't need to answer - What? And it's seven, so go.
- Okay.
- [TONY.]
Come in.
[BRADEN.]
Was that all right? Why would you say drugs? I packed my bags last night Preflight Zero hour, 9:00 a.
m.
And I'm gonna be high As a kite by then I miss the Earth so much I miss my wife It's lonely out in space On such a timeless flight And I think it's gonna be a long, long time 'Till touch down brings me round again to find I'm not the man they think I am at home Oh, no, no, no I'm a rocket man Rocket man Burning out his fuse up here alone And I think it's gonna be a long, long time 'Till touch down brings me round again to find I'm not the man they think I am at home Oh, no, no, no I'm a rocket man Rocket man Burning out his fuse up here alone And I think it's gonna be a long, long time 'Till touch down brings me round again to find I'm not the man they think I am at home Oh, no, no, no I'm a rocket man Rocket man Burning out his fuse up here alone And I think it's gonna be a long, long time
I mean, grieve a bit.
I want everyone in floods at the funeral.
But don't spiral, don't obsess.
Keep going.
Get up.
Don't mope about in bed all day.
Get out.
Open the curtains.
Enjoy the sun while you can.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
[EXHALES.]
[TONY PANTING.]
[BRANDY PANTING.]
[SIGHS.]
- Hungry? - [BRANDY WHINES.]
[SIGHS.]
If you could open a tin, I'd be dead now.
But you can't, can ya? 'Cause you're useless.
Who's useless? Who's useless? You are! You are.
You're useless.
Good girl.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[PAT HUFFS.]
Do you still want me to put it through the door? No, you can give it to me.
Just a postcard from Mike and Beth, whoever they are.
Friends.
What's it say? Just says, "Having a great time, and Mike's had diarrhea.
" Good.
Well, let's hope you're still my postman when I'm blind.
Go on.
[WOMAN.]
Well, we went to that nice Greek restaurant that we usually go to.
You know that one at the top of the road? Well, Sheila was in a terrible mood again.
Well I'm going mad.
You're only mad if they answer back.
He does answer back.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
What's he say? Depends what I ask him.
'Course.
Your mum? My wife.
Oh.
Sorry.
Stan was my husband.
I'm Anne.
I'm Tony.
Nice to meet you.
He seems nice.
- Does he agree? - Of course.
Never disagreed with me once.
Not in 48 years.
[CHUCKLES.]
I didn't get that long.
[BREATHES IN DEEPLY.]
I met a nice lady in the graveyard, Dad.
Don't tell Lisa.
[QUIETLY.]
Fuck me.
She's more your age.
A bit of Viagra [WHISTLES.]
Bob's your uncle.
Is he? Always nice to chat.
Right, here we go at last.
- [TONY.]
Hi.
- [NURSE.]
Sorry about that.
Hi.
Right, cuppa tea.
Two sugars.
Right, let's get you sorted, give you a wee comb.
Doesn't look too bad, actually, does it? It's nice out there today.
We'll get out in the garden later on, eh? [SIGHING.]
I don't know how you do it.
- What? - Stay sane.
He doesn't know what you're on about, does he? He doesn't remember you, I bet.
He doesn't know he's alive.
- What is the point? - What do you mean, "What's the point?" They helped us when they could, now they can't.
He can't even help himself, so I do.
No, I know.
But is it for the best? We don't know what they're feeling.
They don't know.
[NURSE.]
So just in case, be nice to them, eh? - [NURSE SIGHS.]
- [TONY.]
My dad's completely gone now.
I feel bad that I resent having to visit him every day, but I know I'd feel bad if I didn't visit every day.
And then when I do visit him every day, I feel bad when I leave 'cause it was so depressing.
I know I'm not thinking straight, but I don't wanna think straight 'cause when I do, I get even more fucking depressed because I just wanna sleep.
You know, I haven't Sorry, am I boring you? I just got into an argument on Twitter with some absolute moron medical student.
Now he's decided to block me 'cause he couldn't take it.
[SCOFFS.]
It's pathetic.
It is, yeah.
[THERAPIST SCOFFS.]
I'd love to meet him.
- Yeah? - And fucking give him a good hiding.
[CHUCKLES.]
[MELANCHOLY PIANO.]
[TONY.]
Off to buy some smack? Yep.
How much do you get for that then? Err, just, um It's like a little bag.
I might join you one day.
Yeah, anytime.
Tonight? Err How do you mean? I wanna try heroin tonight.
What, you? Really? Yeah.
Why not? Fuck it.
How much for one try? Erm One try, one hit.
What do you want exactly? Not injecting it.
I can't stand needles.
Also AIDS.
I don't wanna die of that.
You only get AIDS if you share needles.
Anyway, these days, you don't really die of it, so So, everything moves on, dunnit? Even AIDS.
Yeah, it's probably best if you smoke a bit in a joint.
It's no big deal.
Chasing the dragon.
[SNORTS QUIETLY.]
Yeah.
Okay.
Get me, err twenty quids' worth.
- Just want a little taster.
- [JULIAN.]
Okay.
- Bring it around at seven, yeah? - Yep.
- [TONY.]
D'you know where I live? - Yeah.
And keep it - All right? - Okay.
- You ready, Jabba? - [LENNY.]
One minute.
You get a lovely little handful of his neck.
Like a pug.
[BRADEN.]
You all right? How's it going? I'm still alone, angry, in pain.
I can't wait to end it all.
You? I'm fine, thanks.
If you're not killing yourself tonight, still okay to look after George? Yeah.
What time did we say? About five.
I've got a thing with Jill.
Only be a couple of hours.
We'll be back by seven.
Seven? By seven? I need to I've got a thing at seven.
Yeah.
- Okay.
- What were you doing with his neck? Just showing Sandy the ropes.
The consistency, which is not like neck at all.
- It's more like breast or scrotum.
- Well, you're not touching them.
- You all right with that? - Yeah, fine.
[SIGHS.]
[TONY.]
He's nodding.
- You all right with that? - Yeah.
Why wouldn't she be all right with me grabbing his neck? These days, it's a minefield.
- Are you gonna do that story? - Yeah, we're off to do it now.
Come on.
Is that how you were carried around when you were young? - [TONY.]
See ya later.
- [LENNY.]
See ya.
See ya.
["LONDON'S BURNING" ON THE RECORDER.]
[RECORDER CONTINUES.]
[RECORDER HITS HIGH NOTES.]
Wow.
[SCOFFS, STUTTERS.]
Lost for words.
It's just [TONY.]
Um Err How long did it take you to master the double-nostril recorder? Few hours a day for a few weeks, wasn't it? [CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
Blimey.
Did me head in.
[LAUGHS INSINCERELY.]
All worth it now, though.
- [WOMAN.]
Yeah.
- [TONY.]
Yeah.
Cool.
'Cause I haven't got a job.
No? So I've got lots of time.
[CHUCKLES.]
Use it wisely.
[TONY.]
Funny, 'cause it was only this morning, I was thinking my life was worthless, and I should definitely kill myself, and then Makes you think, dunnit? Yeah.
Get a picture? Recorders in.
- [RECORDERS WHISTLE.]
- [LENNY.]
Stick em up.
There ya go.
- [CAMERA BEEPS.]
- [TONY.]
Fuck me.
- [LENNY.]
Cheers.
- [WOMAN.]
Thanks.
[LENNY.]
Thank you.
[TONY, SIGHING.]
Oh, fuck.
[LENNY AND WOMAN MUTTERING.]
[INDISTINCT DIALOGUE.]
That was funny.
[TONY.]
Was it though? A fat kid who still lives at home with his mum, no job, so he shoves recorders up his nose and he wants the world to know.
Why would people rather be famous for being shit than not famous at all? When did that start? It's just a bit of a laugh.
We do these stories so people read them and go, "Oh, that's interesting.
" Like a road accident.
When you slow down on the motorway you go, "Oh, that's interesting.
Oh, I wish I hadn't looked.
" Good how he played two at the same time.
- [TONY.]
What did you say to the mother? - Asked if I could call her.
- [TONY.]
Why? - What do you mean, "why?" - Why would you need to call her? - For a date.
You asked the fat kid's mom out on a date? Yeah.
- [TONY.]
Unbelievable.
- Why? [TONY.]
Unprofessional.
Embarrassing.
For who? For me, for her, probably.
Well, she said yes.
[TONY.]
Seems odd.
You meet a woman who wants to get a fat kid in the paper, and you hit on her immediately.
I've got a very high sex drive.
Okay, well never say those words again.
[COMPUTER KEYBOARD CLATTERING.]
Oh.
It's coming this way.
Be very still and it might not see us.
Nah, we're done for.
It's stopping.
- All right? - [SANDY.]
Hi.
- [DISTANT TELEPHONE RINGING.]
- [KATH SIGHS.]
Do you have weird dreams? [SANDY.]
Erm - Sometimes.
- [KATH.]
Mmm.
Yeah.
What about you? I don't have any dreams at the moment 'cause I'm not sleeping.
But even if I did, I wouldn't tell them to anyone because there is nothing more boring than someone telling you a dream they had.
See what you think of this then.
- She's gonna tell us anyway.
- [KATH.]
I was looking in the mirror, and I looked really weird and I could pull my hair out - I know how you feel.
- And So I tried my teeth, and my teeth were loose, but then, it wasn't me, it was a baby.
What the hell does that mean? Wow.
You had that dream with the baby and the teeth and the hair? - Mmm.
- Wow, I don't know if it was Freud or Jung that said if you have that dream and tell other people about it, you're really fucking boring.
Rude.
Make a good column, though, wouldn't it, dreams? [TONY.]
No.
I tell you what would be good.
I haven't been sleeping, so if you could come around every night and talk to me for five minutes, and then sneak out as I slip into a coma, that'd be really good.
[KATH.]
Thought of another feature for the paper, actually.
Fantasy dinner-party guests.
Brilliant, hey? Pick your top five favorite people, and why.
Why, indeed.
Who would yours be? Five people, dead or alive.
Dead.
- Who, though? - Doesn't matter, as long as they're dead.
[SIGHING.]
I know mine.
- [TONY.]
Of course you do.
- Number one, James Corden.
- Fuck me.
- We could do that Carpool Karaoke.
Could you do Carpool Kamikaze? That man can do anything.
- And does.
- I know the cool kids don't like him, but he never stops working.
- As a chauffeur mainly.
- He's a grafter, like me.
Princess Diana.
She'd know how she died.
You know, what happened.
So we'd be able to sort that out, once and for all.
So you've brought this poor woman back to life so you can quiz her about how she died? The dead always want to tell their story so they can be at peace.
She's not at peace.
She's in a room with you and James fuckin' Corden.
- Mr.
Bean.
- Fictional.
Hilarious, more like.
You've invited multimillionaire Rowan Atkinson, right, along to a dinner party with you, a dead woman, and James Corden, and you expect him to stay in character for three hours as Mr.
fuckin' Bean? It's up to me who I invite.
Kevin Hart, funniest man in the world.
- That's four, innit? - Yeah.
- Michael Jackson.
- [TONY SCOFFS.]
James Corden would come if Jacko walked in.
Just fuckin' drench everyone.
You need to grow up.
Worst dinner party ever.
[SIGHING.]
Oh, good.
Busy? - Trying to be.
- It doesn't look like you are.
Watching her bothering us while we're trying to work? Can you do what I asked you to do, please? You're meant to be teaching Sandy She's learning a lot.
Please.
Right, it's going.
Come on.
- No, come on.
- Yeah.
- This is stupid.
You're gonna get hurt.
- Why? - Because you're old! - I'm not old.
- [LISA.]
I'm old.
Look, I'm drunk.
- Come on.
- I know, but that's good if you're drunk.
- No, it's stupid.
Drunk people, they sort of bounce.
All right, come on.
If I fall on you, I'm not taking you to A&E.
- [TONY.]
No.
Okay.
- Right, go.
Go.
[LAUGHING.]
Stupid thing! - [WHOOPING.]
I'm flying! - [TONY WHOOPS.]
[TONY LAUGHING LOUDLY.]
Yes! [TONY.]
Let go, sweetie.
Let go.
- [TONY.]
Whoa! Argh! [LAUGHING.]
- [LISA LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.]
[KEYBOARD CLATTERING.]
So what sort of journalism are you interested in? You don't have to babysit me.
I'm happy to just sit here.
I like peace and quiet.
I live at home with my mum, dad, brother and sister, so the house can be quite full of life.
- [SANDY SIGHS.]
- What? - [QUIETLY.]
I'm sorry.
- What? What's the matter? You're sad.
It's fine, seriously.
I was married for 25 years.
It was brilliant.
Now it's over.
It's not your problem.
- Did you not want any kids? - No.
- Annoying little fuckers.
- [LAUGHS AND SIGHS.]
You can still be happy.
[WHISPERING.]
I'll try, but stop crying because people will think I said summat awful.
- Okay.
- [WHISPERING.]
Okay.
Shhhh.
See, this is why I don't want kids.
They're too snotty and pathetic.
[SANDY LAUGHS.]
Oh! I think he's gonna eat.
Watch this.
He told you to watch me eat, didn't he? Yeah.
- Thoughts? - It's fine.
No, exactly.
I put the food in my gob, I chew it, I swallow it, just like everyone else.
But from here, it looks like that super photography when they sort of magnify a snail, like one thousand times, eating a cabbage.
No, nothing like that.
You'd never catch me eating cabbages.
My granddad never used to eat cabbages.
Did he die of diabetes like he's gonna? No, bowel cancer.
Do you get any fiber in your diet? Yeah, loads.
- What fruit and veg? - Meant to have five a day.
- How many portions do you have a day? - Ten.
- Potatoes don't count.
- None, then.
- [KLAXON HOOTS.]
- [LISA SCREAMS.]
- [TONY LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.]
- Oh, my God, Tony! [LAUGHS.]
- You're such a dick! - [TONY LAUGHING.]
Oh! - That's really good.
- [LISA.]
Thanks.
[TONY.]
I like to think that I helped - [LISA.]
Yeah, that bit.
- [TONY LAUGHING.]
- [LISA.]
You can sign that bit.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
[LISA.]
Yeah, where I jumped.
- [BRADEN.]
Hey.
You all right? - Good.
All right, George? - So I'll be back about seven.
- Make sure it is.
I've got that thing.
- Okay, no worries.
See you then.
- Yep.
Be a good boy for Uncle Tony, George! Um, maybe don't bring up the wanting to kill yourself thing.
As if I would.
Sorry.
Yeah, I know.
Okay.
What if he brings it up? Why would he bring it up? He wouldn't.
It was a joke.
Oh.
[LAUGHS FEEBLY.]
- All right, see ya later.
- See ya later.
- Do you want a drink? - Yes, please.
- Whiskey? - [CHUCKLES.]
And we've got Oh.
Coke? [CAN OPENING.]
[TONY SIGHS.]
Daddy says you're sad since Auntie Lisa died.
Yep.
I'm sad, too.
I dream about her sometimes.
Me too.
Why didn't the doctors make her better? They tried.
Why didn't Jesus save her? 'Cause he's an arsehole.
[LAUGHS.]
- Don't tell your mum and dad I said that.
- I won't.
- You had your tea? - No.
- Hungry? - Yeah.
Shall we go to the cafe? - [GEORGE.]
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Come on then.
- You got any money? - No.
Loser.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[TONY.]
What d'you fancy? - Mmm Fish fingers and beans.
[TONY.]
Good choice.
Think I'll have that.
- What can I get for ya? - We're having the fish fingers and beans.
That's only on the children's menu, I'm afraid.
Yeah, I'm not very hungry.
I can't let you order that.
What do you mean? It's for children.
[LAUGHS.]
But I can eat what children eat, can't I? Yeah, but it's only £4.
99.
Yeah, I know, 'cause it's a smaller portion.
I'm paying child's prices, but I'm getting a children's portion.
Yeah, but we made it cheaper 'cause it's for kids.
I know, 'cause they're smaller.
It's smaller 'cause they're smaller.
It's not a concession.
It's not 'cause they're unemployed, is it? And also, an adult's paying, so It's the rules.
- Is it? - Mmm.
Right.
Well, he'll have fish fingers and beans twice.
- You'll just eat one of them, won't ya? - Nah.
So what are you ordering? As I say, I'm not very hungry, so I'll just get a coffee.
[HUFFS.]
Both for him, are they? - That good? - Mm.
[CUSTOMERS CHATTERING.]
Mmm.
[BRANDY PANTING.]
[UNDER BREATH.]
Fuckin' 'ell.
[QUIETLY.]
Where's your fuckin' dad? - [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Oh.
Oh, no.
Please don't be Julian.
Please don't be Julian.
Yes! - George! - I'm sorry, erm [TONY.]
It's all right.
See ya later.
- Cheers.
- [BRADEN.]
There he is.
All right? - See you tomorrow.
- All right? - Yeah, good.
- Yeah? - Had a good time? - Yeah, good.
Off you Fuck.
- Hey, what are you doing here? - [TONY.]
Because he's come around to talk about getting started on the paper.
- Not this.
- Oh, right.
- Great.
- Exactly.
- Right - [BRADEN.]
Got a takeaway? It's drugs.
- You don't need to answer - What? And it's seven, so go.
- Okay.
- [TONY.]
Come in.
[BRADEN.]
Was that all right? Why would you say drugs? I packed my bags last night Preflight Zero hour, 9:00 a.
m.
And I'm gonna be high As a kite by then I miss the Earth so much I miss my wife It's lonely out in space On such a timeless flight And I think it's gonna be a long, long time 'Till touch down brings me round again to find I'm not the man they think I am at home Oh, no, no, no I'm a rocket man Rocket man Burning out his fuse up here alone And I think it's gonna be a long, long time 'Till touch down brings me round again to find I'm not the man they think I am at home Oh, no, no, no I'm a rocket man Rocket man Burning out his fuse up here alone And I think it's gonna be a long, long time 'Till touch down brings me round again to find I'm not the man they think I am at home Oh, no, no, no I'm a rocket man Rocket man Burning out his fuse up here alone And I think it's gonna be a long, long time