Agatha All Along (2024) s01e02 Episode Script

1
[# Agnes hums
"The Ballad of the Witches' Road"]
[Rio] You are trapped
in a distorted spell.
What were you looking for in my house?
The Road.
[chanting in Latin]
- [groans]
- [Rio] Yes. Claw your way out.
How long have I been living
in this cesspool of a town?
About three years.
Wanda.
She took every little bit of power I had
and left me with household appliances.
We gotta get back on top.
If you're real, then that means
Let me get my purple back.
And then come find me.
I am not the only one
that wants to see you dead.
I expect you'll see them at sundown.
[Agatha] more of this nonsense!
[shop door bell dings]
Coming in here after all that time,
thinking she's gonna
Look at my front door!
- [sighs] What?
- [speaking indistinctly]
Ugh!
Whose shoes are these?
Okay. She's unstoppable.
The house is yours, random boy.
Be sure to tell the vengeance-seekers
I said hi.
Take me to the Witches' Road!
- [grunts]
- Come again?
The Witches' Road.
I want you to take me there.
Please?
The Witches' Road doesn't exist.
- You're lying.
- Am I?
That's just what real witches say
to keep the amateurs out.
The Road will give you
the thing you want the most.
If you make it to the end.
And I can. I will.
Hmm.
The Road is no place for a kid.
- I'm 16!
- Oh, sorry. Teen.
I don't know
where you heard about The Road
Books, the Ballad, legend, lore
But it will kill you.
Didn't kill you.
Well, I'm exceptional.
That's my point.
Okay, so, confession,
I know an egregious amount about you.
I've been obsessed
- since I first read up on your Salem days.
- Hmm.
One of my favorite "you" eras.
That's a good one.
That's why I came here last night.
That's why I saved you
from the spell you were under.
No. It was my pleasure.
Hmm. Well
If you've got the goods to break a spell
cast by the Scarlet Witch, [gasps]
why do you need The Road?
I mean, I've studied, don't get me wrong,
but that can only take you so far.
I wanna blast, to shield, to levitate.
So you want a shortcut?
The Road promises
that what's missing awaits you at its end.
Power is what I'm missing.
Sounds like it's what you're missing, too.
Nope. Too risky. No time.
If you wanna run, fine.
But these people
who are coming tonight sound serious.
You really think you can outrun them
with no magic at all?
Who are you?
My name is [distorts]
Say again.
I'm [distorts]
- Interesting.
- What?
I'm driving.
What? Really? Yes!
All right.
Let's hit The Road.
Okay.
And this is not a car. Okay.
That's all right. Yeah, it's totally fine.
It's okay.
Just move on from this little thing. Oh!
Just what I was looking for. Uh
You're driving.
Miss Harkness! Miss Harkness!
What do you know about covens?
Just that they're drawn together
by mysterious forces of fate,
and that they're the truest form
of sisterhood and
Oh, my God. Are you taking me
to meet your coven?
No. Those harpies are dust.
But we do need a coven to access The Road.
Right. Of course, that makes sense.
It is the Witches',
plural possessive, Road.
- I'm over here.
- Oh, are you?
- Am I even going in the right direction
- Be cool, man.
[# phone ringing
"On My Mind" by Blackhand]
Sorry.
- He worries.
- Aw!
So where do we just find a coven?
Wherever you are, a coven there shall be.
That's beautiful.
No. It's definitely not.
But it is the Covenstead Rule.
Within any three-mile radius,
there will be a collection
of witchy-enough people to form a coven.
Can you actually jot that down for me?
There's a pen in the glove compartment.
Oh. Okay. Of course.
- Will this be
- Yeah.
- Perfect.
- Okay.
- Right.
- Do you want me to take that?
No, it's I'll remember it.
So, with a Covenstead, it's unlikely
we'll find witches as high-profile as you.
Yeah, there's no such thing, Teen.
You know, but all we need
is a bit of talent.
Even the most down-and-out witches,
when in close proximity with each other,
bring out a magical spark.
- Ah. Stop.
- What?
Here. Now.
[Teen] You think
there's a real witch in there?
We'll see if she knows
the secret handshake.
No.
I feel really optimistic about this.
[woman] Welcome to the curious.
[Southern accent] Good day, madam.
Oh. Thank you so much for seein' us.
We are hopin' for a miracle today.
This is my boy, Beauford.
He doesn't talk much.
He's got social anxiety.
His daddy recently passed,
and we miss him somethin' awful.
And we surely would love
to commune with him today.
But to be quite frank with you,
what is top of mind
is the location of some gold bars
he may or may not have buried
in our backyard.
Please.
Thank you. You're a doll.
- How will you be paying?
- Oh.
- He's got it.
- Debit works.
He always takes care of Mama.
- [chuckles dryly]
- Hurry up, though. Okay?
- Your husband was a proud man.
- Oh.
- Indeed, he was.
- Did he golf?
[gasps]
He died on the 18th hole.
Oh. She's good.
Now, the location of those gold bars?
[chuckles]
[vocalizing]
Brother.
You'll find the gold bars
in an old bowling bag
at the back of his closet.
Yes! That's it.
Thank you. Thank the lady,
would you, please, Beauford?
There's something else.
What is it?
You've been
under the influence of another.
- Someone you hurt.
- Ah!
They took your agency.
For three years.
It's not the first time
your witch kin betrayed you.
But you survive.
In a way few do.
In fact, that's why you're here.
And I am not interested.
- Wait, what?
- Thank you for your purchase.
Your bank statement will say
"Lilia's Leggings,"
but that's just my side hustle.
[sighs in relief]
[regular voice] Lilia.
Oh, you haven't even heard the pitch.
[chuckles] I don't need to.
What witch in her right mind
would join Agatha Harkness' coven?
[gasps]
Not looking for right-minded witches,
as it happens.
[screams]
Looks like we came to the right place.
- Are you all right, ma'am?
- [grunts]
So you're a bit of a kook.
Every witch has their process.
You showed some real skill out there.
I didn't read your fortune.
I read your reputation.
- Oh!
- Witches like you are the reason
people think we poison apples,
and steal children, and eat babies.
- Babies are delicious.
- Ugh!
How old are you? 410? 415?
- How dare you?
- Oh, I apologize.
- You don't look a day under 450.
- Years old?
You get, what, maybe two suckers a day
in here, and 20 bucks later,
you're sitting on a bed
that's also your wall.
Don't you miss the glory days?
When I was chased
out of every village I passed through
for accurately predicting tragedy?
No, I do not. Beat it, Harkness.
I'm gonna walk The Road.
The Road is a death wish.
I survived.
Yeah? Where's your power now?
Time to restock.
I need a Divination Witch.
Are you honestly asking me
to coven up with the single most
infamous witch on this continent?
Oh, please. Name a badder bitch
in South America, or Europe.
Who is this child?
- I'm
- [Agatha] My pet.
This is my pet. Say hi, pet.
Hi.
You expect me to risk my life
on the Witches' Road,
- and if we're successful
- When.
If we're successful,
watch you turn around and steal my power?
[Agatha clears throat]
[softly] Excuse me.
[Agatha clears throat]
So, little-known
No, don't worry about it.
It's fine. It's just us.
Little-known fact about my ability
I can't steal your magic
unless you blast me with it.
So if you show a little self-restraint,
which, let's be honest,
you're gonna need to,
all that power is yours to keep.
I found this on your door.
The path you're currently on
leads nowhere.
- Join me.
- Us.
And return
to your former clairvoyant glory.
If you two stay any longer,
I'm going to have to start
charging you again.
- [kettle whistling]
- [electricity crackling]
- What is happening?
- Witchcraft.
Three of Pentacles.
There. A list of four names.
Looks like you've got your coven.
Leave me out of it.
You're on here.
[Teen scoffs]
What?
Can't say no to you.
Agatha's address.
Be there at 5:00.
Plenty of street parking.
That was amazing.
And we got a team roster
out of the deal, too.
So who's next?
[crow cawing]
Agatha?
What?
Who's next on the list?
Uh
Ugh!
Taste.
[both chuckle nervously]
I'm being serious, ladies.
Mmm.
Divine, right?
- So good.
- Yum.
I know.
My probiotic candles are perfect for both
ambiance and metabolic regulation.
I am obsessed with these.
Especially because
you do have to burn them before ingestion.
It's an FDA thing.
- But also, mandatory zen time!
- [shop doorbell dings]
Hey! Where do you keep your jade eggs?
I'm fresh out of marbles,
and my pelvic floor is all over the place.
Actually, you gals wanna
go splitsies on one?
Hmm? Anyone? Anyone?
Sisterhood of the traveling Kegels?
- No? No?
- [door opens and closes]
Hi, Jen!
God, Agatha! I haven't seen you
since I made a really pointed effort
to never run into you again.
[laughs sarcastically]
- So good.
- How are you? Awful?
I'm assembling a coven.
I need a Potions guy.
- We're gonna walk The Road.
- [scoffs]
You're serious?
It's a dead end. Literally.
Oh, come on, Jen.
I'm offering you the chance
to finally lift the binding spell
that has kept you magic-less
for the last What, century?
- You look amazing.
- I know.
- What do you care about my magic?
- I [grunts]
Oh!
You lost the Darkhold,
and now you're powerless and exposed.
How far you've fallen, witch killer.
At least I'm still a witch.
Like I care about that dusty,
warty, snaggle-toothed community.
Oh, you don't fool me.
You'd chew off your own acrylics
to get back into the club.
Ugh! I'm not gonna waste my breath
illuminating the obvious.
Have fun healing the healthy.
Hi. I love your Insta page, by the way.
You totally minimized
the size of my pores.
Who's this?
Another child sacrifice?
I'm really sorry
about your recent legal troubles.
Yes, I'm aware.
"Fraudulent misrepresentation
resulting in consumer injury."
I personally would not consider
superficial burns "injury,"
but apparently,
some people needed skin grafts.
[Agatha gasps] Oh, Jen!
- I haven't been convicted of anything.
- Yet.
Historically, we as a group
don't do well in courtrooms.
The charge has
a surprisingly lenient penalty,
just, like, payouts
and maybe, like, five years in prison.
- But 800 counts of it?
- [gasps]
[Teen] Starts to get a little life-y!
Wait. So you're magically bound,
and you're about to get literally bound.
None of this pedestrian drama would be
an issue for a powered-up witch.
You think I haven't tried everything
to unbind, you freaky little miscreant?
Hey!
You've tried everything but The Road.
If you value your freedom,
join us here, tonight.
Oh!
Gonna take a jade egg to go.
You'll know where to find it.
[shop doorbell dings]
Thank you.
Two down. Two to go.
- Just one, actually.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Lilia said four names.
- No.
- Let me see. Let me see.
What are you
- Very mature.
- Come on, Teen.
- Wasting daylight.
- Okay.
- I can't believe you actually ate that.
- Ate what?
Now I'm actually hungry.
I could use a corn dog.
[Teen] Do you see her?
Do you know what she looks like?
She's a Blood Witch.
A Blood Witch is
Child of a witch.
In this case, her mom was a witch
and also a famous goddess of rock.
Lorna Wu?
- As in Lorna Wu and the Coral Shore?
- Take it easy.
She wrote the most famous version
of the Ballad.
My mom went to see her last tour
right before she died. RIP.
I bid on a limited edition
signed LP of the Ballad,
but it cost more than I make
in a whole summer at the Hokey Pokey Bowl.
I don't wanna ever hear
those words paired together again.
[rat squeaking]
Let's go.
You're just gonna Fine.
You think we're gonna find
Lorna Wu's daughter at the Westview Mall?
I feel like she'll be somewhere cooler,
like Brooklyn or a yacht.
Rumor has it
Lorna Wu was lost to the Witches' Road.
- What?
- I know. Ironic.
- More like iconic.
- No.
I know I have an aesthetic,
but what are we doing here?
Run.
- Run?
- Run!
- Whoa!
- [alarm beeping]
Alice Wu Gulliver?
I'm Agatha Harkness.
This is my familiar, Toto.
We need a Protection Witch
to join us on the Witches' Road.
What do you say?
- What?
- [guard] Gulliver!
Sir, this woman just assaulted my nephew!
- Did you just tackle a teenager?
- Yeah, I saw them lift something.
No, he didn't touch anything.
Check his pockets.
- Search me.
- He didn't do anything.
Your old lieutenant convinced me
to give you a shot,
but you've been nothing but bad luck.
You're fired.
What divine intervention is this?
You're out of a job
and we're setting off for The Road today.
- People like you are dangerous.
- Agreed.
- But The Road?
- The Road isn't real.
You groupies don't get it.
It's just a stupid song.
Um, forty million copies worldwide
beg to differ.
The Road is real.
- Agatha's been there.
- And back.
The Road is a myth. It's a con. A cult.
Yeah. But what if it isn't?
What if you could finally
answer the question
that has been haunting you
for most of your life?
"What happened to Mommy?"
- She's a tough nut to smash.
- Crack.
[sighs exasperatedly] I didn't even
get to give her your address.
We don't need her.
Come on.
[boy] Hey!
We've got about an hour until sunset.
- Are you sure two witches are enough?
- [sighs]
How far away is The Road?
Like, what's the drive time?
Where are you from?
Me? Originally? I mean,
I was born and raised in Eastview
[continues inaudibly]
[snapping audibly]
[continues inaudibly]
[# music through radio playing audibly
"There's a Road" by Kinney]
- [radio switches off]
- [continues inaudibly]
[audibly] It's nice to get to know
each other a little bit.
Drive faster.
What? Okay.
[wolf howls]
Don't be nervous. They'll show. I know it.
- Does this look centered?
- Let me see.
Maybe if I just
put it a little more to the
No, leave it up.
It really elevates the space.
Oh, God, am I the first to arrive?
The rest will be here soon.
Please come in. Right, Agatha?
I don't care.
Yeah, whatever she would like.
Can I interest you
in a pre-Road appetizer?
They are old granola bars.
I didn't have much to work with.
I ate before I came.
I don't mind a lapsed expiration date.
High priestess.
Jennifer Kale, Potions.
Lilia Calderu, Divination.
- You're bound.
- And you need a chemical peel.
[Alice] This is never gonna work.
- Your front door is missing.
- Alice!
- How did you
- I'm an ex-cop.
That's gonna be the answer
to a lot of questions.
Well, gang's all here. Let's hit The Road.
Wait. Where's our Green Witch?
- Oh, do we really need one of those?
- Of course we do.
- Says who?
- The Ballad.
-"Wake thy power, earthly and divine."
- No, I've heard it.
Earth magic is arguably
the most important skill set
for an attempt at The Road.
Getting cold feet already, Jen?
Well, there was one more name
on the coven list.
Wasn't there?
- Lilia's handwriting is so bad
- What was the last name?
It wasn't a name. It was a heart.
A heart?
A black heart.
That's because you used a black pen.
[chuckles]
Oh!
I know who it is.
I'll just go get her.
Be back in a flash.
Yoo-hoo!
Agnes?
Well, you look fabulous!
- Thank you, Mrs. Hart.
- No, no, no.
- It's Mrs. Davis, dear. No.
- Oh, right.
Mrs. Hart was what Wanda branded me,
- you know.
- [shushes]
My name is Sharon.
I know you get confused sometimes
but my real name is Sharon.
Right. Well, there's no time for details.
Oh, have I commented
on how beautiful your garden is recently?
Well, no, you have not.
- [both laugh]
- It's just me and my green thumb.
But I'll tell you the secret
to fluffy azaleas.
So, I was just wondering
if you'd like to come
to a little party I'm having tonight.
A party? [gasps] Really?
- Yeah!
- I haven't been to a party
- since Mr. Davis passed away
- Are you in or you out, Hart?
Oh, well, I think I'm just
I'm gonna grab my purse.
Oh, a party!
Should I get the car?
Some people might need
to squeeze in the back.
You don't drive to The Road, Teen.
The Road is conjured.
Oh.
So, um, are we doing laundry together?
Why don't you head upstairs
and let us just do our thing, okay?
Close some windows while you're at it,
'cause it feels a little drafty.
- Okay, but you'll let me know
- Yep. Yeah. Scoot. Scoot.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
So, all we need to do is sing the Ballad,
and a door will appear,
and we'll be on our merry way to having
all of our magical dreams come true.
Okay? All aboard?
So, who's going high?
Oh, no, thank you. I don't take drugs.
- She's talking about the harmonies.
- I'm an alto is all I'm saying.
Get off me!
[Agatha clears throat]
[scoffs]
Hey, I got you.
It's okay, buddy.
[children talking indistinctly]
[disembodied voices whispering]
[# singing "The Ballad of
the Witches' Road (Sacred Chant Version)"]
Seekest thou The Road ♪
To all that's foul and fair ♪
Gather sisters fire ♪
Water, earth, and air ♪
Darkest hour ♪
Wake thy power ♪
Earthly and divine ♪
Burn and brew ♪
With coven true ♪
And glory shall be thine ♪
[whispering] Am I supposed
to know this song?
Down, down, down The Road ♪
Down the Witches' Road ♪
Down, down, down The Road ♪
Down the Witches' Road ♪
Down, down, down The Road ♪
Down the Witches' Road ♪
Circle sewn with fate ♪
Unlock thy hidden gate ♪
Marching ever forward ♪
'Neath the wooded shrine ♪
I stray not from the path ♪
I hold Death's hand in mine ♪
Are you seein' this?
Primal night giveth sight ♪
Familiar by thy side ♪
If sun be gone, we carry on ♪
Spirit as our guide ♪
Oh, no.
Down, down, down The Road ♪
Down the Witches' Road ♪
Down, down, down The Road ♪
Down the Witches' Road ♪
Down, down, down The Road ♪
Down the Witches' Road ♪
Blood and tears and bone ♪
Maiden Mother Crone ♪
The Road is wild and wicked ♪
Winding through the wood ♪
Where all that's wrong is right ♪
And all that's bad is good ♪
Through many miles
Of tricks and trials ♪
We'll wander high and low ♪
Tame your fears, a door appears ♪
No, no, no.
The time has come to go ♪
Down, down, down The Road ♪
Down the Witches' Road ♪
Down, down, down The Road ♪
Down the Witches' Road ♪
Down, down, down The Road ♪
Down the Witches' Road ♪
Follow me, my friend ♪
To glory at the end ♪
[Agatha] Huh.
Some feedback for you.
It did not take this long last time.
Well, if she wasn't so pitchy.
- Says the voice flatter than a pancake.
- Yeah, did you not hear you?
'Cause the voice does not match the dress!
Do not insult me. I have perfect pitch.
[Sharon] No, no, no.
I thought we sounded great.
[Teen breathing heavily]
Okay. Okay.
[voice whispering] Agatha Harkness
- [screaming] Agatha!
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- [objects rattling upstairs]
- What's going on up there?
Are there any real witches in the house?
Because all I see
are has-beens and could've-beens.
You recruited us.
And I was a fool.
You can forget the Witches' Road.
I'd die before letting you befoul it
with your noxious mediocrity.
[scoffs] What a team of rejects.
Coward.
Fraud. Disappointment.
I'd say you should burn
like the rest of them
but that would be a waste of kindling.
- Enough.
- You need to shut up.
- Go to hell!
- Make me!
Wait!
This is a power grab.
She wants us to attack her.
- What?
- You brought us here
hoping our proximity,
coupled with your cruelty,
would get you a spark you could steal.
You had no intention
- of bringing us on The Road.
- It's not my fault
only a true coven can open the door.
[rumbling]
Oh, I don't have time for this!
Just blast me, you bitches!
What is that?
Was that there before?
No.
Open it.
[rumbling intensifies]
[disembodied voices screaming]
Oh, my God! [screams]
No!
- [snarls]
- [screams] Agatha!
Agatha!
Is this it? Is this The Road?
Because we should
really, really go, like, right now.
[disembodied screams approaching]
No, thank you.
No way I'm sticking around
for whatever that is.
- Well, I
- What does your gut tell you?
- Oh.
- [screams grow closer]
Down, down, down The Road
Down the Witches' Road ♪
Down, down ♪
- [screeches]
- [grunts]
Down, down, down The Road ♪
- [doors rattling]
- [witch screams]
[rumbling and screaming stops]
I never doubted us for a second.
[# dramatic musical flourish plays]
[# closing theme music playing]