All In The Family s01e02 Episode Script
Writing the President
[ Announcer .]
From television city in Hollywood.
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days Edith ! Yeah ? Why are you cookin' garments ? Gloria's boilin' one of Mike's shirts.
The dye in it was giving him a rash.
Why don't you boil him instead ? Dye.
Give me somethin' to take the taste out of my mouth.
What'd you make here, instant coffee ? No, it's fresh perked.
Well, it tastes like instant.
It's fresh perked, though.
Okay, it's fresh perked, but it tastes like instant.
I heard you.
But it's fresh perked.
I accept that it's fresh perked ! But it tastes like instant, huh ? You're a pip.
You know that ? A real pip.
We got nothin' for lunch but crackers here ? Gloria went to the market.
You know we always do a big shopping every Saturday morning.
Every Saturday.
God forbid one week you do it on a Friday.
You gotta watch out for that "rigid-idness.
" It'll wharf your whole personality.
Hey, you.
Get away from that tv set.
You know I watch football highlights every week at this time.
I know, but channel 13 is rerunning that special on pollution with Jack lemmon.
When I want to learn anything about pollution, I don't have to learn it from no millionaire actor who's got nothin' better to do Than sit on his duff dreamin' up causes.
If he wants to unpollute somethin', let him unpollute the movies-- all them nudies.
Archie, you're always watching football.
I think it's important that we learn about our polluted environment.
You're pollutin' my environment.
Now, get away from my set.
Can't we at least sit down like rational people and discuss this ? Discuss.
Why with you has always everything gotta be like a meetin' ? Because in a meeting people sit down together and exchange ideas.
Okay.
Okay.
Sit down, then, huh ? Now, let me hear your idea again.
Okay.
I want us to watch Jack lemmon and a group of famous scientists Discuss pollution and ecology on channel 13.
Good.
And I wanna watch football highlights on channel 2.
Now, guess what's gonna happen.
You're gonna watch football highlights on channel 2.
Meeting adjourned.
Hey, Edith, let me have some beer in here.
[ Edith .]
What do you want, bottle or can ? We never buy bottles.
I'll bring you a can.
Oh, what a dingbat.
All right, now, here it is.
Now, keep quiet.
[ Tv: Crowd cheering .]
The giants and the rams.
There they go-- hey! Hey ! Hey ! Look at that spook run ! Archie ! Can they move ! It's in their blood.
If you're talkin' about a black man, would you call him that, huh ? - And what do you mean, running like that is in his blood ? - Well, it is.
It's inherited.
He got that from his forefathers when he was runnin' through the jungle.
You know ? Through thorns and thickets, barefooted, with a tiger on his butt.
You know everything about the black man, boy.
Well, more than you.
I used to know a whole flock of them in the old neighborhood.
There was a guy, roundtree cumberbatch, him and me used to be close buddies.
You never knew anybody by that name.
You just made it up.
I made up a name like roundtree cumberbatch ? Yeah.
Yeah.
You made it up to put down a black man.
What are you tellin' me ? That some of your coloreds don't have funny names ? Oh, yeah, sure they do.
Like Roy Wilkins, uh, Whitney young, uh, James Baldwin.
Yeah, or al jolson.
I heard of all them guys.
They got plenty of your roundtree cumberbatches too.
They named 'em after Pullman cars and railroad stations.
Come on.
You don't believe me ? It's a fact.
Look it up.
All right, Edith, leave it there.
Hi.
I'm back.
It's about time.
Let me help you.
Wait till you see what I got here.
That rash you got from the dye, Michael ? That decided me.
From now on I wanna know what's in everything I buy.
So I stopped off at the health food store and got some natural foods.
Anything for sandwiches ? You can't get anything more natural than baloney.
What do you got here ? "Organic eggs" ? "Tiger's milk.
" What's that ? "Wheat germ oil.
" "Decimated liver--" what is all this garbage ? Where's my crunchy cereal with the animal cutouts on the box ? They say there's no nutritional value in that cereal, daddy.
- What ? - That's right.
They just did a study.
Nutritionally, that cereal-- zilch.
Zilch, huh ? Have you any idea the famous athletes and coaches that were brung up on that ? And I mean the all-time all-timers.
Forty years I been eatin' it, and I'm as good shape today as the day I was born.
- My bowels are regular-- - oh, Archie ! [ Tv announcer: Indistinct .]
What's that ? Get out of my way, will ya.
I'm missin' somethin' here.
I missed it.
The play of the week.
Alvin haymond's 88-yard run-back, and I missed it.
It's your fault ! Why are you watching that anyway ? Michael, didn't you tell him about Jack lemmon ? Get away from that dial.
All right.
For now we'll just turn down the sound.
Why ? Because I wanna say something.
Oh, another meetin'.
Gee.
Now, daddy, this set is always tuned to what you want to watch.
Just this once, can't you share a little ? Huh ? This special, it's important to Michael and me.
Yeah, because it's tearin' the country down.
That's what you like-- to watch a bunch of jerks tearin' the country down.
Pollution is a fact of life, and it's not just America.
It's worldwide.
This special with Jack lemmon-- leave me alone about that.
And you know what you can do with your Jack lemmon.
And you know what you can do with your John Wayne.
What about John Wayne ? Before you say anything, let me warn you.
When you're talkin' about the Duke, you ain't just talkin' about an actor.
You're talkin' about the spirit that made America great.
Are you kiddin' ? Is he-- is he-- ma.
Is he kidding ? He'd lay down his life for the Duke.
For me, no.
The Duke, yeah.
Anyway, daddy, why can't you watch Jack lemmon with us ? We watched John Wayne's tv special with you.
That was different.
The Duke's special was all about America, and I mean the real America.
Oh.
Oh.
Then it must have been all about our racial problems.
Sing out, sweet land, it was called, and it was beautiful.
The crisis in the cities.
He must've had a hundred stars with him.
The war in Vietnam.
Sing out, sweet land.
It was all about what's good with America.
It was all about John Wayne.
Well, John Wayne is what's good with America.
Is what's good with America.
I'll tell you something else, wise guy.
You can take your Jack lemmons, your Paul newmans and your marlo brandons, you put 'em all together, they ain't fit to hold the Duke's coat.
Any one of those guys has got more brains in his little finger Than John Wayne's got in his whole body.
Nuts to you.
You don't believe me ? Maybe you'll believe the Duke himself.
What ? Excuse me, young lady.
You just happen to be sitting here.
Would you be kind enough to ask Mr.
John Wayne the question ? Mr.
Wayne, is it true that any one of those guys Got more brains in his little finger Than you've got in your whole body ? [ Imitating John Wayne .]
I'm afraid so, ma'am.
Very, very funny.
Let me tell youse two somethin'.
You got a very wharfed sense of humor.
Here.
I found an old box of crunchies.
Well, have some.
Show the kids how it pulls you out of a slump.
Gloria, I found these with the groceries.
Oh, the air mail stamps.
They're for Michael.
Oh, good.
I can mail my letter today, it'll get to Washington by Monday.
Washington ? Are you writing to Washington ? That's right.
Michael wrote the president.
Writin' to the president ? About what ? All the things we've been talking about-- the pollution of our air, the pollution of our water, the way us housewives have no protection from foods without nutrition, how they make products with harmful things in 'em.
You saw what happened to Michael from that shirt.
[ Laughs .]
He got a rash.
Wait a minute.
You're writin' to the president about that ? You, Michael stivic, meathead, you have the nerve To write to the president of the United States about your rash ? [ Sighs .]
Maybe he knows a good skin man.
I didn't write about a rash.
It's like Gloria said.
I wrote about a lot of things-- pollution, race relations, the war in Vietnam.
The war in Vietnam ? You'd better let me see that letter.
No, no.
This is sealed.
It's private and personal between the president and me.
I demand to know the contents of that letter.
It's between Nixon and me.
President Nixon.
What's wrong with plain "Nixon" ? Look in the paper.
They do it all the time-- Nixon this, Nixon that.
That's their business, but in this house we show the proper respect.
You don't like "president Nixon," call him "Mr.
Nixon.
" Or tricky dicky.
What ? You was callin' him that eight years ago.
Eight years ago he was a civilian, who now happens to be commander-in-chief of the United States.
And he's doin' a good job of it too.
Let me tell you somethin', wise guy.
Mr.
Nixon didn't get us into Vietnam, he inherited it, just like he inherited inflation and integration and pollution.
Or are you gonna tell me that Mr.
Nixon invented pollution ? No.
But what's he doing about it ? [ Mocking .]
"What's he doing about it ?" Daddy, there isn't a major city in this country Where the drinking water isn't below safe standards.
Well, let me ask you this, Washington, D.
C.
bein' one of your major cities-- would you say the drinking water there is becomin' unsafe ? Yeah.
Well, that's where I got both of youse.
Because if the drinking water in Washington, D.
C.
is becomin' unsafe, do you think that Mr.
Nixon would let tricia drink it ? You can't answer that, can you ? [ Chuckles .]
I'll tell you somethin', wise guy.
You see, you don't understand your basic simplistics.
Your biggest problems always burn themselves down to the human factor.
I mean to say the president, after all, is only a man.
Right, and he's in the wrong job.
Is that what you said to him in that letter ? Give me that.
A pipsqueak like you, you have the nerve to insult the commander-in-chief-- that's my return address on there.
You're insultin' president Nixon from my return address ? You must have a screw loose.
You left-wing, radical, liberal, meatheaded polack ! Give me the letter ! You're not gettin' this.
No, no ! Come on, daddy ! Oh, no ! Give me that letter ! It's my letter ! Oh, no ! Hold it ! Hold it ! This letter gets mailed from this house over my dead body.
All right, Archie, enough's enough.
Just give me the letter.
You're tampering with the United States mail, daddy.
That's a federal offense.
So is excitement to riot.
The letter-- the letter is not gonna incite anyone to riot.
The letter is between a citizen and his government.
I've heard you say it a hundred times, Archie-- the government works for me.
That's right.
I said, "the government works for me.
" Not you, meathead.
The government works for taxpayers and breadwinners And people who contribute to society.
You're such a contributor, why don't you write a letter to the president ? Because I got nothin' to beef about.
I knew you'd cop out, daddy.
You just talk, that's all.
I'll tell you what I'll do-- the last time he wrote a letter was to the phone company.
Edith, stifle yourself.
The language he used.
Edith, I said stifle yourself.
And then he wouldn't sign the letter.
I wouldn't have neither.
Edith, I told you to stifle yourself ! You gonna write to the president ? Yes, I am ! Good.
Then you can mail your letter and let me mail mine.
Oh, no, no.
You don't get this letter to mail till I'm ready to mail mine.
- Mail 'em together.
- No, mine has to go into the mailbox before yours.
That way, the president reads mine first, he'll be able to stomach yours.
Edith, uh, get me our embossed personal stationery.
You know, with the initials intertwined on the top.
Archie, we don't have no writing paper like that.
Edith, our personal stationery.
It was a gift from that no-neck cousin of yours works for w.
T.
Grant.
You know, a wedding present.
Oh, Archie, for heaven's sake, that was 22 years ago.
What difference does it make how long ago it was, huh ? You save everything else.
You certainly must have saved that.
Edith, I can't write to the President of the United States unless I'm gonna do it right.
What are you sharpening a pencil for ? First draft.
Well, we got ballpoint pens.
Ballpoint pens ? I can't write to the president with ballpoint pens.
I need real ink.
Whatever happened to my waterman ? Your waterman ? Fifteen bucks.
Guaranteed to last me a lifetime.
It must be lastin' somebody else's lifetime.
We got ballpoint pens.
Look at this stationery.
"Hercules plumbing" ? That's the company I used to work for before we was married.
And you saved this, huh ? And our embossed stationery with the initials intertwined at the top, there it is, gone.
Maybe it'll get to the president faster If they think you own a plumbing company.
You're a dingbat.
Let me get started.
You go over there and finish pastin' your tradin' stamps.
That's a good idea.
I got almost enough to fill another book.
If we get three and a half books, I can buy that bathroom scale.
Edith, please.
I hope the kids are out.
Don't worry.
They went for a long walk.
Nobody's here to bother you.
You'll have absolute silence.
Perfect quiet.
Nobody goin' back and forth.
Nobody talk-talk-- dear Mr.
president, your honor, sir-- dear Mr.
president, your honor, [ bang .]
Sir-- [ Two bangs .]
Will you stop lickin' and bangin' over there ? [ Bang .]
Oh, you're breakin' up my whole concentration ! Oh, I'm sorry.
What have you got down so far ? "Dear Mr.
president, your honor, sir.
" Yeah, go on.
How much more do you expect me to do with you lickin' and bangin' over there ? Here, I got a good idea.
You come over here.
Come here.
Yeah, come on over.
Now, you sit down there And you write what I dictate.
Oh, Archie, oh, I don't know.
I'm too nervous.
It's to the president.
What are you nervous about ? I'm gonna do the whole thing.
Go ahead.
You just write what I tell ya.
What do you got there ? Nothin'.
What do you mean ? I wrote a whole introduction.
"Dear Mr.
president, your honor, sir.
" Oh, that-- that's lousy.
What ? What you read.
That's what you wrote.
I know, but you read it so rotten ! I think it was the words.
Read them same words over again.
Read 'em with a little feeling, huh ? Go ahead.
[ With feeling .]
"Dear Mr.
president, your honor, sir.
" Yes ! Beautiful words.
I only hope Mr.
Nixon reads 'em that way.
Oh, Edith, please, will ya ! It's tough enough writin' a letter to the top man in the whole free world, so just stifle your comments and write what I tell ya.
Dear Mr.
president, your honor, sir, uh, as one of your faithful constitutionals, I-- no, no, that's wrong.
That's wrong, that's wrong.
Uh, read it back to me again.
[ With feeling .]
"Dear Mr.
president--" jump over that and read the new stuff ! "As one of your faithful constitutionals--" wrong ! What ? The word is wrong ! Why did you write it down ? [ Doorbell rings .]
There's somebody at the door.
Go on, answer the bell.
Let me in there.
And no matter who it is, we ain't home, huh ? How am I gonna tell 'em we ain't home if I'm standin' there talkin' to 'em ? Try.
Good afternoon.
Oh, good afternoon, sister.
We're collecting money For the St.
januarius underprivileged children's hospital.
Oh, I think my husband gave at the office.
Uh, we don't solicit aid in commercial institutions.
Just neighborhoods, families.
Oh, I see.
Archie, the sister is collecting for the underprivileged children.
I gave at the office.
It must've been a different nun.
You do look alike.
Edith, come over here.
I need some help.
I'm searching for a word.
He's searching for a word.
Maybe the sister could help you ! Ahh-- yeah.
Maybe she could at that.
Uh, uh, come on in, sister.
Step right in.
Get out of the way, Edith.
Hi, sister.
I bet you was wonderin' what I was doing at the table.
No, actually I was-- well, in case you was wonderin' what I was doin'-- I wasn't.
Now, if you'll-- would you let me tell you what I was doin' over there at the table ? I was writin' a letter to the president of the United States To fill him in on how the people of this neighborhood are thinkin' and feelin'.
Yes, well, I'm sure you know the feelings Of this particular constituency.
That's the word.
Thank you, sister.
I gotta get back to work.
Edith, give the sister a generous contribution.
Edith, just a minute.
Before you do, come over here.
Nothin' more than half a buck.
No matter what they tell ya, most of what you give 'em, they buy golden candlesticks with it.
Edith.
Edith, this is gonna be good.
You know that ? Yeah.
I think Mr.
Nixon is gonna love this.
[ Man .]
Ladies and gentlemen, from the east room of the white house, the president of the United States.
[ Applause .]
[ Piano: Processional .]
[ Tv: President Nixon .]
My fellow Americans, tonight I want to read you a letter I've just received from a private citizen.
It starts, of course, with a highly proper "Dear Mr.
president, your honor, sir.
" Now let me make one thing perfectly clear.
I love that beginning.
This citizen writes, and I quote: "I personally don't agree with all the 'confregration' on the college campuses "Or them ecology nuts "Who only see disaster in this great country of ours.
"But like Duke Wayne would say, "we came up off the mat before when the goin' was tough, "and I know so long as we all work together, "this nation under God "Shall not diminish from the earth.
"Anyway, my regards to your vice, Mr.
agnew.
"And special regards "To Mrs.
Nixon and tricia, "who I know you wouldn't let drink no water Exceptin' the best.
" This terrific letter was written by Mr.
Archie bunker, and in your president's opinion, Archie bunker is One great American.
[ Tv: Applause .]
[ Door opens .]
You finish your letter yet, daddy ? You had enough time to write the whole congress.
You keep your pants on, hotshot.
This just might be the best letter that was ever wrote to a president.
Good.
Let's go mail 'em.
Oh, no, you don't.
If anybody mails these, it's gonna be me.
Why don't we both go ? It's only a block.
We'll all go.
Yeah, I figured we would.
Just imagine.
Two letters to the president from one house.
That don't happen every day.
We'd better get going.
Let's go.
Now, wait a minute.
Hold your horses, everybody.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh, Archie, you go first.
Here.
Come on.
The last pickup is 4:30.
We'll be late.
That was so thrilling.
Imagine, two letters to the president From the same house.
Every American ought to write to his president.
Yeah.
It feels good being a citizen.
It's wonderful to be involved.
Archie.
Mmm ? Did you jiggle ? What ? The mailbox.
You put the letters in.
Afterwards, did you jiggle ? Certainly I jiggled-- wait a minute.
I-- no, uh-- did either of youse two jiggle ? I didn't jiggle.
I thought you jiggled, daddy.
Well, I always did all my life, but I don't know.
Edith, what do you think we oughta do ? I think we'd better go jiggle.
Why didn't you jiggle, meathead ? You put the letters in the box ! Can't I rely on you to do nothin' right ? The man that mails, jiggles ! [ Archie .]
boy, the way Glenn Miller played [ Edith .]
songs that made the hit parade [ Archie .]
guys like us we had it made [ Archie, Edith .]
those were the days [ announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
From television city in Hollywood.
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days Edith ! Yeah ? Why are you cookin' garments ? Gloria's boilin' one of Mike's shirts.
The dye in it was giving him a rash.
Why don't you boil him instead ? Dye.
Give me somethin' to take the taste out of my mouth.
What'd you make here, instant coffee ? No, it's fresh perked.
Well, it tastes like instant.
It's fresh perked, though.
Okay, it's fresh perked, but it tastes like instant.
I heard you.
But it's fresh perked.
I accept that it's fresh perked ! But it tastes like instant, huh ? You're a pip.
You know that ? A real pip.
We got nothin' for lunch but crackers here ? Gloria went to the market.
You know we always do a big shopping every Saturday morning.
Every Saturday.
God forbid one week you do it on a Friday.
You gotta watch out for that "rigid-idness.
" It'll wharf your whole personality.
Hey, you.
Get away from that tv set.
You know I watch football highlights every week at this time.
I know, but channel 13 is rerunning that special on pollution with Jack lemmon.
When I want to learn anything about pollution, I don't have to learn it from no millionaire actor who's got nothin' better to do Than sit on his duff dreamin' up causes.
If he wants to unpollute somethin', let him unpollute the movies-- all them nudies.
Archie, you're always watching football.
I think it's important that we learn about our polluted environment.
You're pollutin' my environment.
Now, get away from my set.
Can't we at least sit down like rational people and discuss this ? Discuss.
Why with you has always everything gotta be like a meetin' ? Because in a meeting people sit down together and exchange ideas.
Okay.
Okay.
Sit down, then, huh ? Now, let me hear your idea again.
Okay.
I want us to watch Jack lemmon and a group of famous scientists Discuss pollution and ecology on channel 13.
Good.
And I wanna watch football highlights on channel 2.
Now, guess what's gonna happen.
You're gonna watch football highlights on channel 2.
Meeting adjourned.
Hey, Edith, let me have some beer in here.
[ Edith .]
What do you want, bottle or can ? We never buy bottles.
I'll bring you a can.
Oh, what a dingbat.
All right, now, here it is.
Now, keep quiet.
[ Tv: Crowd cheering .]
The giants and the rams.
There they go-- hey! Hey ! Hey ! Look at that spook run ! Archie ! Can they move ! It's in their blood.
If you're talkin' about a black man, would you call him that, huh ? - And what do you mean, running like that is in his blood ? - Well, it is.
It's inherited.
He got that from his forefathers when he was runnin' through the jungle.
You know ? Through thorns and thickets, barefooted, with a tiger on his butt.
You know everything about the black man, boy.
Well, more than you.
I used to know a whole flock of them in the old neighborhood.
There was a guy, roundtree cumberbatch, him and me used to be close buddies.
You never knew anybody by that name.
You just made it up.
I made up a name like roundtree cumberbatch ? Yeah.
Yeah.
You made it up to put down a black man.
What are you tellin' me ? That some of your coloreds don't have funny names ? Oh, yeah, sure they do.
Like Roy Wilkins, uh, Whitney young, uh, James Baldwin.
Yeah, or al jolson.
I heard of all them guys.
They got plenty of your roundtree cumberbatches too.
They named 'em after Pullman cars and railroad stations.
Come on.
You don't believe me ? It's a fact.
Look it up.
All right, Edith, leave it there.
Hi.
I'm back.
It's about time.
Let me help you.
Wait till you see what I got here.
That rash you got from the dye, Michael ? That decided me.
From now on I wanna know what's in everything I buy.
So I stopped off at the health food store and got some natural foods.
Anything for sandwiches ? You can't get anything more natural than baloney.
What do you got here ? "Organic eggs" ? "Tiger's milk.
" What's that ? "Wheat germ oil.
" "Decimated liver--" what is all this garbage ? Where's my crunchy cereal with the animal cutouts on the box ? They say there's no nutritional value in that cereal, daddy.
- What ? - That's right.
They just did a study.
Nutritionally, that cereal-- zilch.
Zilch, huh ? Have you any idea the famous athletes and coaches that were brung up on that ? And I mean the all-time all-timers.
Forty years I been eatin' it, and I'm as good shape today as the day I was born.
- My bowels are regular-- - oh, Archie ! [ Tv announcer: Indistinct .]
What's that ? Get out of my way, will ya.
I'm missin' somethin' here.
I missed it.
The play of the week.
Alvin haymond's 88-yard run-back, and I missed it.
It's your fault ! Why are you watching that anyway ? Michael, didn't you tell him about Jack lemmon ? Get away from that dial.
All right.
For now we'll just turn down the sound.
Why ? Because I wanna say something.
Oh, another meetin'.
Gee.
Now, daddy, this set is always tuned to what you want to watch.
Just this once, can't you share a little ? Huh ? This special, it's important to Michael and me.
Yeah, because it's tearin' the country down.
That's what you like-- to watch a bunch of jerks tearin' the country down.
Pollution is a fact of life, and it's not just America.
It's worldwide.
This special with Jack lemmon-- leave me alone about that.
And you know what you can do with your Jack lemmon.
And you know what you can do with your John Wayne.
What about John Wayne ? Before you say anything, let me warn you.
When you're talkin' about the Duke, you ain't just talkin' about an actor.
You're talkin' about the spirit that made America great.
Are you kiddin' ? Is he-- is he-- ma.
Is he kidding ? He'd lay down his life for the Duke.
For me, no.
The Duke, yeah.
Anyway, daddy, why can't you watch Jack lemmon with us ? We watched John Wayne's tv special with you.
That was different.
The Duke's special was all about America, and I mean the real America.
Oh.
Oh.
Then it must have been all about our racial problems.
Sing out, sweet land, it was called, and it was beautiful.
The crisis in the cities.
He must've had a hundred stars with him.
The war in Vietnam.
Sing out, sweet land.
It was all about what's good with America.
It was all about John Wayne.
Well, John Wayne is what's good with America.
Is what's good with America.
I'll tell you something else, wise guy.
You can take your Jack lemmons, your Paul newmans and your marlo brandons, you put 'em all together, they ain't fit to hold the Duke's coat.
Any one of those guys has got more brains in his little finger Than John Wayne's got in his whole body.
Nuts to you.
You don't believe me ? Maybe you'll believe the Duke himself.
What ? Excuse me, young lady.
You just happen to be sitting here.
Would you be kind enough to ask Mr.
John Wayne the question ? Mr.
Wayne, is it true that any one of those guys Got more brains in his little finger Than you've got in your whole body ? [ Imitating John Wayne .]
I'm afraid so, ma'am.
Very, very funny.
Let me tell youse two somethin'.
You got a very wharfed sense of humor.
Here.
I found an old box of crunchies.
Well, have some.
Show the kids how it pulls you out of a slump.
Gloria, I found these with the groceries.
Oh, the air mail stamps.
They're for Michael.
Oh, good.
I can mail my letter today, it'll get to Washington by Monday.
Washington ? Are you writing to Washington ? That's right.
Michael wrote the president.
Writin' to the president ? About what ? All the things we've been talking about-- the pollution of our air, the pollution of our water, the way us housewives have no protection from foods without nutrition, how they make products with harmful things in 'em.
You saw what happened to Michael from that shirt.
[ Laughs .]
He got a rash.
Wait a minute.
You're writin' to the president about that ? You, Michael stivic, meathead, you have the nerve To write to the president of the United States about your rash ? [ Sighs .]
Maybe he knows a good skin man.
I didn't write about a rash.
It's like Gloria said.
I wrote about a lot of things-- pollution, race relations, the war in Vietnam.
The war in Vietnam ? You'd better let me see that letter.
No, no.
This is sealed.
It's private and personal between the president and me.
I demand to know the contents of that letter.
It's between Nixon and me.
President Nixon.
What's wrong with plain "Nixon" ? Look in the paper.
They do it all the time-- Nixon this, Nixon that.
That's their business, but in this house we show the proper respect.
You don't like "president Nixon," call him "Mr.
Nixon.
" Or tricky dicky.
What ? You was callin' him that eight years ago.
Eight years ago he was a civilian, who now happens to be commander-in-chief of the United States.
And he's doin' a good job of it too.
Let me tell you somethin', wise guy.
Mr.
Nixon didn't get us into Vietnam, he inherited it, just like he inherited inflation and integration and pollution.
Or are you gonna tell me that Mr.
Nixon invented pollution ? No.
But what's he doing about it ? [ Mocking .]
"What's he doing about it ?" Daddy, there isn't a major city in this country Where the drinking water isn't below safe standards.
Well, let me ask you this, Washington, D.
C.
bein' one of your major cities-- would you say the drinking water there is becomin' unsafe ? Yeah.
Well, that's where I got both of youse.
Because if the drinking water in Washington, D.
C.
is becomin' unsafe, do you think that Mr.
Nixon would let tricia drink it ? You can't answer that, can you ? [ Chuckles .]
I'll tell you somethin', wise guy.
You see, you don't understand your basic simplistics.
Your biggest problems always burn themselves down to the human factor.
I mean to say the president, after all, is only a man.
Right, and he's in the wrong job.
Is that what you said to him in that letter ? Give me that.
A pipsqueak like you, you have the nerve to insult the commander-in-chief-- that's my return address on there.
You're insultin' president Nixon from my return address ? You must have a screw loose.
You left-wing, radical, liberal, meatheaded polack ! Give me the letter ! You're not gettin' this.
No, no ! Come on, daddy ! Oh, no ! Give me that letter ! It's my letter ! Oh, no ! Hold it ! Hold it ! This letter gets mailed from this house over my dead body.
All right, Archie, enough's enough.
Just give me the letter.
You're tampering with the United States mail, daddy.
That's a federal offense.
So is excitement to riot.
The letter-- the letter is not gonna incite anyone to riot.
The letter is between a citizen and his government.
I've heard you say it a hundred times, Archie-- the government works for me.
That's right.
I said, "the government works for me.
" Not you, meathead.
The government works for taxpayers and breadwinners And people who contribute to society.
You're such a contributor, why don't you write a letter to the president ? Because I got nothin' to beef about.
I knew you'd cop out, daddy.
You just talk, that's all.
I'll tell you what I'll do-- the last time he wrote a letter was to the phone company.
Edith, stifle yourself.
The language he used.
Edith, I said stifle yourself.
And then he wouldn't sign the letter.
I wouldn't have neither.
Edith, I told you to stifle yourself ! You gonna write to the president ? Yes, I am ! Good.
Then you can mail your letter and let me mail mine.
Oh, no, no.
You don't get this letter to mail till I'm ready to mail mine.
- Mail 'em together.
- No, mine has to go into the mailbox before yours.
That way, the president reads mine first, he'll be able to stomach yours.
Edith, uh, get me our embossed personal stationery.
You know, with the initials intertwined on the top.
Archie, we don't have no writing paper like that.
Edith, our personal stationery.
It was a gift from that no-neck cousin of yours works for w.
T.
Grant.
You know, a wedding present.
Oh, Archie, for heaven's sake, that was 22 years ago.
What difference does it make how long ago it was, huh ? You save everything else.
You certainly must have saved that.
Edith, I can't write to the President of the United States unless I'm gonna do it right.
What are you sharpening a pencil for ? First draft.
Well, we got ballpoint pens.
Ballpoint pens ? I can't write to the president with ballpoint pens.
I need real ink.
Whatever happened to my waterman ? Your waterman ? Fifteen bucks.
Guaranteed to last me a lifetime.
It must be lastin' somebody else's lifetime.
We got ballpoint pens.
Look at this stationery.
"Hercules plumbing" ? That's the company I used to work for before we was married.
And you saved this, huh ? And our embossed stationery with the initials intertwined at the top, there it is, gone.
Maybe it'll get to the president faster If they think you own a plumbing company.
You're a dingbat.
Let me get started.
You go over there and finish pastin' your tradin' stamps.
That's a good idea.
I got almost enough to fill another book.
If we get three and a half books, I can buy that bathroom scale.
Edith, please.
I hope the kids are out.
Don't worry.
They went for a long walk.
Nobody's here to bother you.
You'll have absolute silence.
Perfect quiet.
Nobody goin' back and forth.
Nobody talk-talk-- dear Mr.
president, your honor, sir-- dear Mr.
president, your honor, [ bang .]
Sir-- [ Two bangs .]
Will you stop lickin' and bangin' over there ? [ Bang .]
Oh, you're breakin' up my whole concentration ! Oh, I'm sorry.
What have you got down so far ? "Dear Mr.
president, your honor, sir.
" Yeah, go on.
How much more do you expect me to do with you lickin' and bangin' over there ? Here, I got a good idea.
You come over here.
Come here.
Yeah, come on over.
Now, you sit down there And you write what I dictate.
Oh, Archie, oh, I don't know.
I'm too nervous.
It's to the president.
What are you nervous about ? I'm gonna do the whole thing.
Go ahead.
You just write what I tell ya.
What do you got there ? Nothin'.
What do you mean ? I wrote a whole introduction.
"Dear Mr.
president, your honor, sir.
" Oh, that-- that's lousy.
What ? What you read.
That's what you wrote.
I know, but you read it so rotten ! I think it was the words.
Read them same words over again.
Read 'em with a little feeling, huh ? Go ahead.
[ With feeling .]
"Dear Mr.
president, your honor, sir.
" Yes ! Beautiful words.
I only hope Mr.
Nixon reads 'em that way.
Oh, Edith, please, will ya ! It's tough enough writin' a letter to the top man in the whole free world, so just stifle your comments and write what I tell ya.
Dear Mr.
president, your honor, sir, uh, as one of your faithful constitutionals, I-- no, no, that's wrong.
That's wrong, that's wrong.
Uh, read it back to me again.
[ With feeling .]
"Dear Mr.
president--" jump over that and read the new stuff ! "As one of your faithful constitutionals--" wrong ! What ? The word is wrong ! Why did you write it down ? [ Doorbell rings .]
There's somebody at the door.
Go on, answer the bell.
Let me in there.
And no matter who it is, we ain't home, huh ? How am I gonna tell 'em we ain't home if I'm standin' there talkin' to 'em ? Try.
Good afternoon.
Oh, good afternoon, sister.
We're collecting money For the St.
januarius underprivileged children's hospital.
Oh, I think my husband gave at the office.
Uh, we don't solicit aid in commercial institutions.
Just neighborhoods, families.
Oh, I see.
Archie, the sister is collecting for the underprivileged children.
I gave at the office.
It must've been a different nun.
You do look alike.
Edith, come over here.
I need some help.
I'm searching for a word.
He's searching for a word.
Maybe the sister could help you ! Ahh-- yeah.
Maybe she could at that.
Uh, uh, come on in, sister.
Step right in.
Get out of the way, Edith.
Hi, sister.
I bet you was wonderin' what I was doing at the table.
No, actually I was-- well, in case you was wonderin' what I was doin'-- I wasn't.
Now, if you'll-- would you let me tell you what I was doin' over there at the table ? I was writin' a letter to the president of the United States To fill him in on how the people of this neighborhood are thinkin' and feelin'.
Yes, well, I'm sure you know the feelings Of this particular constituency.
That's the word.
Thank you, sister.
I gotta get back to work.
Edith, give the sister a generous contribution.
Edith, just a minute.
Before you do, come over here.
Nothin' more than half a buck.
No matter what they tell ya, most of what you give 'em, they buy golden candlesticks with it.
Edith.
Edith, this is gonna be good.
You know that ? Yeah.
I think Mr.
Nixon is gonna love this.
[ Man .]
Ladies and gentlemen, from the east room of the white house, the president of the United States.
[ Applause .]
[ Piano: Processional .]
[ Tv: President Nixon .]
My fellow Americans, tonight I want to read you a letter I've just received from a private citizen.
It starts, of course, with a highly proper "Dear Mr.
president, your honor, sir.
" Now let me make one thing perfectly clear.
I love that beginning.
This citizen writes, and I quote: "I personally don't agree with all the 'confregration' on the college campuses "Or them ecology nuts "Who only see disaster in this great country of ours.
"But like Duke Wayne would say, "we came up off the mat before when the goin' was tough, "and I know so long as we all work together, "this nation under God "Shall not diminish from the earth.
"Anyway, my regards to your vice, Mr.
agnew.
"And special regards "To Mrs.
Nixon and tricia, "who I know you wouldn't let drink no water Exceptin' the best.
" This terrific letter was written by Mr.
Archie bunker, and in your president's opinion, Archie bunker is One great American.
[ Tv: Applause .]
[ Door opens .]
You finish your letter yet, daddy ? You had enough time to write the whole congress.
You keep your pants on, hotshot.
This just might be the best letter that was ever wrote to a president.
Good.
Let's go mail 'em.
Oh, no, you don't.
If anybody mails these, it's gonna be me.
Why don't we both go ? It's only a block.
We'll all go.
Yeah, I figured we would.
Just imagine.
Two letters to the president from one house.
That don't happen every day.
We'd better get going.
Let's go.
Now, wait a minute.
Hold your horses, everybody.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh, Archie, you go first.
Here.
Come on.
The last pickup is 4:30.
We'll be late.
That was so thrilling.
Imagine, two letters to the president From the same house.
Every American ought to write to his president.
Yeah.
It feels good being a citizen.
It's wonderful to be involved.
Archie.
Mmm ? Did you jiggle ? What ? The mailbox.
You put the letters in.
Afterwards, did you jiggle ? Certainly I jiggled-- wait a minute.
I-- no, uh-- did either of youse two jiggle ? I didn't jiggle.
I thought you jiggled, daddy.
Well, I always did all my life, but I don't know.
Edith, what do you think we oughta do ? I think we'd better go jiggle.
Why didn't you jiggle, meathead ? You put the letters in the box ! Can't I rely on you to do nothin' right ? The man that mails, jiggles ! [ Archie .]
boy, the way Glenn Miller played [ Edith .]
songs that made the hit parade [ Archie .]
guys like us we had it made [ Archie, Edith .]
those were the days [ announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.