Allen Gregory (2011) s01e02 Episode Script

Ya, ya Ya, ya Allen Gregory Allen, Allen.
(bell rings) Allen Gregory, we're gonna be late for class.
If we go in now, we'll miss the whole show.
What show? Sh-sh-sh-sh.
This show.
Okay (grunting) Okay Uh-oh, Principal Gottlieb.
Looks like somebody forgot their Danish, huh? Aw, crap.
Three two one and there's the money shot.
That's right, angel.
You earned it.
What's going on? Get inside! Oh, I'm working on it.
Pat, I gotta tell you, you did a lot of things right with this lunch-- kudos.
You got back quickly, you showed initiative, and, best of all, you left plenty of room for improvement.
Piggybacking on that last part, the ugly business of the critique.
Patty? The ugly business? What? Oh, I didn't hear you, Allen Gregory.
Joel and Brinique just went public with matching bracelets.
Oh, he, uh, he took the plunge? Ahh, I know what that's like.
You do? No, Patrick, I'm make myself seem cooler because I don't have enough going on in my real life to be proud of.
Who are you? Yeah, whatever.
I gave her mine, she gave me hers.
That's pretty much how it went down.
Whoa! And there it is on your wrist! Yeah-ha-ha, and then I showed up.
Oh, my God, what club? The serious committed relationship club.
You got your girl, I got my gal.
Who's your girlfriend? Look, guys, I can't really get into this, her being the principal of the-- oh, now it's out there! Can't unring that bell.
Principal Gottlieb is your girlfriend? First of all, that's disgusting.
Second of all, doubt it.
I think you kind of irritate her.
Hey, Patrick! You're here and you're chiming in! All right, let's break this down.
My bracelet says "Brinique," her bracelet says "Zadak," and your bracelet says Oh, that's right.
You don't have a bracelet 'cause you got nothing.
(laughter) He is so stupid! What the hell was that?! I got ambushed back there, Pat! Why don't they believe me? bracelets to prove it?upid Well, maybe you don't have proof 'cause you're not together? Or maybe we're not together because I don't have proof.
Maybe.
Well, guess what? We don't have to worry about any of that because I do have proof.
But you just said Pat, I just said not to worry about it.
It seems like you're worried about it.
Sorry.
What's the proof? Well, first let me ask you this: what are you looking for? I don't know.
Anything, really.
Pictures or a videotape? Videotape! It's a videotape! It's a video sex tape! That's what I have.
Sex tape? Shhh, Pat, keep your voice down, speak up.
The important thing is, this has to stay our secret.
Do you understand? Yeah, okay.
I don't even know what a sex tape is, so you can trust me.
Good.
Because if everyone found out and started talking about it and that's all they were talking about, that's not what I would want.
I won't tell anyone.
I promise.
Wow.
So you're just gonna let me steamroll you like that, huh? If you want to tell people, tell people.
Where's your backbone, brother? Wait, so I should tell people or I shouldn't tell Good Lord, Pat, if you're so hell-bent on telling the whole school then tell the whole school, see if I care! I mean, I do care, I don't want you to tell 'em but tell 'em if you must.
Tell 'em! I obviously can't stop you! Just tell them! Fine, don't! JEREMY:  Okay, breakfast is ready.
Okay, so parent time! Let's get into stuff.
Uh, Rich, maybe I should throw on a shirt? I know you like when I cook without a shirt Oh, it's fine, kids don't mind.
Do you, kids? Nope.
I think it's kind of inappropriate.
See? They love it.
Now, back to parenting.
Allen Gregory, what's the latest haps at school? Pretty standard stuff.
Just puttin' out fires, doing a little damage control.
A vicious rumor's flying around about me and Gottlieb, actually.
Oh, gossip! I love me some goss.
What's the rumor? That there's a sex tape of us.
Ooh, juicy.
So Is there any truth to it? Seriously? I'd really rather not get into it.
I don't want to feed the machine.
I get it.
But you know what you should do? Get out in front of it, address it, cut a distribution deal so you can get a piece of it, and at the same time protect your relationship.
Okay, you do realize he's seven.
Ooh, sneak attack! Charlie in the bushes! Speaking of rumors, heard another little nugget through the grapevine.
Julie has a couple of friends at school.
That's a rumor? Well, no proof of it.
Never seen 'em.
I'm not lying about it.
Then I guess you'd have no objection to having them over.
That is, if they exist.
So you buy Allen Gregory having a sex tape with the 70-something-year-old principal, sight unseen RightBut for you to believe I have friends at all, they have to come and present themselves to you.
Yeah, I have to agree with Julie.
That doesn't make a whole lot of sense, Rich.
Okay, I heard a different rumor that might make a little more sense.
Apparently, there's some bloated dope going around eating breakfast in front of children with no shirt on.
Oh, I heard that rumor.
From who? Who told you a rumor about what I'm doing right now? I don't remember who told us, do you? That's the thing about these rumors, you can't ever trace back where they came from.
But you can trace this one back to five seconds ago when you made it up? Ahh, take cover! (imitates machine gun) (microphone feedback squeals) (Allen Gregory clearing throat over P.
A.
) Students of Feldstein Elementary a wildfire is running rampant through the halls of our storied school.
And it's time I step forward to put it out.
We all do things in our private lives that are meant to be just that-- private.
But in today's world, if there's a sex tape between a student and a principal, people are gonna dig it up.
(Gottlieb screaming) Okay, so it's out there What is a sex tape? Let's talk about it.
Get your ass out of there! Yes, the tape exists.
Hey! Woo-hoo.
Does it trump the exchange of bracelets between a couple? Stop it! Who knows? But yes, it 100% does.
(screams) This has gotten out of control! I know.
It's got a life of its own.
Who leaked this thing? Did you? There's nothing to leak! That's what I've been saying.
The problem is, no one's buying it.
Look, I think you and I should get together after school one night, have a cocktail, maybe get some food in our bellies, lay completely nude on a bearskin rug in front of a fire and figure out how we're gonna come at this thing together.
Okay, you need some serious help.
I'm taking you to the counselor.
Ow! You're hurting me! Right here.
So, some wild stories going around.
Dr.
Sid Lampis.
Columbia man, huh? Is that the school from  We Are Marshall? No, that would be Marshall.
Mmm, pretty sure Marshall's the guy.
Let's talk about you, Allen Gregory.
Tell me about this rumor.
I don't know, Doc.
I guess it's just when the kids hear about something like this, they latch onto it because they hope it's true? Ach, I don't know.
You tell me, you're the professional.
Allen Gregory, what if I were to suggest that you were the one who started this rumor? I probably would suggest that you were a filthy liar, and I'd have a series of follow-up suggestions involving your fake diplomas and your butt.
Okay, but you know these stories you tell can be very hurtful.
Especially to a married woman like Principal Gottlieb.
We're not married.
Right but we are.
Principal Gottlieb is my wife.
Is that a bearskin rug? Grizzly.
Married.
God, the news about our sex tape must have destroyed you.
Not really, Allen Gregory.
Because I know, as everybody knows, that it's not real.
And Principal Gottlieb and I are very much in love.
Hm, that's interesting.
If she loves you so much, I wonder why she never took your name.
Okay, well, not that I have to explain it to you, but she didn't change her name because we are in a common-law union.
So, you two were just kind of roommates for a while until the government said, "Screw it, I guess these guys are married.
" All right, no, but Judith is also a career woman, and she didn't want to change her name.
Lampis.
Come on, bud.
She's an elementary school principal, not Kelly Ripa.
Okay, I think we've gotten a little off-topic.
Makes a guy wonder what she'd say if you actually popped the question.
Anyway, time's up.
Something to think about for next sesh.
Delicious soup as always, Sid.
Aw, thanks, Jude.
I'm enjoying it myself.
So this Allen Gregory fellow is quite a character.
I hate him.
That's a very strong emotion.
Don't analyze me at dinner, Sidney.
You know, I had a dream the other night you might find interesting.
About that guy at the DMV again? No, thank God.
In fact, you were in this one.
We were on a hilltop, and the sun was setting.
You never looked more beautiful.
I got down on one knee and I said, "Judith Gottlieb, will you do me the honor of becoming my bride?" And funny enough, I woke up right before you gave your answer.
Uh-huh.
Weird, huh? What do you, uh, think you might have, uh, said? Dreams are stupid.
(humming) (laughter, indistinct conversations) Ah! What's all this about? These are my friends, Val and Beth.
Remember you said they should come over.
Okay, so they're real, but Hi, Mr.
De Longpre.
You have a lovely home.
It's like something out of a fairy tale.
How could anyone have problems in a place like this? Uh-huh.
Can I take your? Oh, it doesn't come off.
Well, it does in this house, so Dad? Can I have a word? What's the matter with you? Well, you didn't tell me your friends were so So what? Just so I'm sorry, this is going to bother me all night-- what is that contraption exactly? Oh, I've got progressive scoliosis.
But progressive scoliosis doesn't have her! I see.
And this gentleman is her nurse? Richard.
Jeremy, one second.
Can I? May I? Just So this connects to Oh, I get it, it's just one main screw and the rest-- okay.
And you attend a regular school? She goes to school with me.
You know this.
Mmm.
Cumbersome.
And how is this helping? Dad, you're embarrassing us.
Yeah, Rich What? I'm just asking.
Maybe the brace is what's causing the problem.
Sir, you should mention that to the doctors.
I should probably be getting home.
Yeah, great rapping with you, Mr.
De Longpre.
Guys, I am so sorry.
Thanks a lot, Dad.
(sobbing) Wow.
Is it me, or were they rude? I'm pretty sure it's you.
They got up and left without eating.
That's because you insulted them.
So the question we have to ask ourselves is: do we want Julie to be friends with those two? This doesn't have anything to do with the way they look, does it? What?! How did they look? I didn't even notice that.
It seemed like you noticed because you were kind of obsessed If you have an issue with the way they look, own it, buster.
Don't project your weirdness onto me.
Sorry we can't all be underwear models like the gorgeousJeremy! Okay.
Did you know that Gottlieb is married? Yeah, to Dr.
Sid.
I have to see him every day since I found my sister's body.
Yeah, Pat, congratulations, but we have a real problem here.
This is why no one believes we have a sex tape.
Hey, speaking of sex tapes, did you hear that Joel and Brinique have one? I'm sorry? GUILLERMO: Look, they're holding the hands! I'm assuming that's what a sex tape is! That's exactly what it is.
Calm down, it's not a big deal.
Yeah, you guys, come on.
Stop hounding Zadak and me about our sex tapes.
These are private, intimate moments.
They're not meant for your entertainment.
Right, Z? You have one sex tape, too? Yes.
Everybody's talking about it, Guillermo.
I'm sorry we didn't make a Spanish version.
Just to clarify, who's talking about it? 'Cause last I checked, you can't talk about something you haven't seen.
(laughs) Since no one's seen it, the assumption is that it doesn't exist.
(laughing) ALLEN GREGORY: It's like all they care about is Zadak and Brinique.
It's just them holding hands.
It's not even a real sex tape! How about we stop using that term? And they question whether my sex tape exists, like I would lie about something so intimate with your wife.
Allen Gregory, it-it's not healthy to keep promoting this charade.
Yeah, I guess it was a charade to sneak over to her place the weekend her roommate husband was at a psychology convention in Santa Fe.
You could have found that out by Googling my name.
Or I could have found out by Googling your wife.
Okay, I know what you mean by that, and I would like to tell you that by conti b-by continuing to lie, Allen Gregory, you're maintaining what we call a persistent delusion.
Does a persistent delusion come with receipts for renting a high-def camcorder and a light kit? Go ahead, ask to see the receipts.
I don't need to see the receipts.
Well, the thing is, until you show us the tape, we're all going to think it's fake, and it's not going to be a threat to anyone's marriage, so you just have to prove it.
Maybe I will.
Perfect, you could hand it over to a trusted adult right now if you have it on you.
I don't.
Tomorrow then? 'Cause if you didn't have it tomorrow, that would imply that Tomorrow it is.
Great, can't wait to see it.
Can't wait to see you see it.
I'll throw a party, we'll watch it.
I'll be at that party, I'll bring the chips.
Bring the tape, too.
Yeah, that goes without saying.
It's what the party's for, friend.
(sighs) The walls are closing in on me, Carl-Trent.
Aw, it's no big deal.
I mean, what second-grader hasn't at some point claimed he made a sex tape with an old white woman in the school administration? It's just boyhood high jinks, like playing stickball or mail fraud.
I know you're trying to cheer me up, but no one believes me.
And if no one believes I have a sex tape with the principal, how the hell am I gonna have any friends? I'm out of moves here, C-T.
Anything short of producing the actual tape Hold up, hold, hold, hold up, hold up You need a sex tape.
Carl-Trent can get you a sex tape.
Really, you could do that? Sure, I'm a sex tape man.
Tell me what you want.
Paint the canvas for me.
Well, I think it would just need to be regular sex, like one person should be running away saying, "No, I don't feel like it," and the other person should completely ignore that and say something like, "Come on, Jeremy, just go with it.
" Then there should be a slap, and then somebody should plead to God, like, "What has my life become?" And then I think we should just wrap it up with a little crying in the bathroom.
Aw, AG, that's not sex.
That's making love.
What up, Jules? Hey, girl.
Who are you guys? It's us-- Montana and Clay.
Dad! Hi, Julie.
What up, Montana and Clay? Who are these kids? What do you mean? They're your friends.
Did you hire them? What? That's crazy talk.
Aren't you in a car commercial? Julie, when would I have done a Ford Festiva commercial-- when we were at the beach last summer for your birthday and my half-birthday? Ugh, too much cake.
Okay, I'm not an idiot.
I know what you're doing.
Julie, let's text some boys our age.
Go on, Julie, text with your friends.
They're so good- looking and fun.
So you went ahead and replaced Julie's friends with actors? Who, Montana and Clay, Julie's good friends? They were over here for dinner the other night.
You don't remember? Are you trying to convince me now? Yeah, not flying? SID:  Ah, lunch, huh? What a nice meal to have and, uh eat.
One of the perks of working with your common-law wife-- or just wife.
I've been throwing around just "wife" lately, it feels good.
Stop being a weirdo and eat your loaf.
So, uh, Allen Gregory said he was going to have that sex tape today.
Looks like that's not happening since it doesn't, uh, exist, right? ALLEN GREGORY (clears throat): Sorry for the delay on the sex tape you've all been talking about.
What the hell? (shushing) There were some legal entanglements, but we're clear of all that now.
His persistence is gradually eroding my skepticism.
The screening will absolutely happen tomorrow morning in Gina Winthrop's classroom because the tape is very real.
(glass shattering) (Gottlieb shrieks) Hey, those are our lockers.
No, these are our lockers, bro.
I'm sorry, who are you guys? We're Montana and Clay.
We're Julie's best friends.
We've been making fun of you clowns since the third grade.
You have, for what? Oh, your appearance and behavior.
Sounds right.
Yep, checks out over here.
Julie doesn't want to hang out with you anymore.
Word is, you've been doing drugs and sparking reefers behind the gym.
She said that? I don't know who said it.
That's the thing about rumors.
You can never trace back where they came from.
Well, we're sorry.
Don't just stand there, Beth, let's clean out their lockers.
What's going on? Julie.
Julie.
There she is.
Wow, Julie, you look great.
Oh, thanks, Montana did my hair.
Why is your stuff on the ground? Julie, we should really get going.
Yeah, and you probably shouldn't be talking to us anyway.
Sounds like we're pretty bad influences.
What were they talking about? Who knows? They're high.
My man-- there he is.
Carl-Trent, do you live here? Nah, I can park this van anywhere I want.
Huh.
So, you got the tape? The tape? Oh, sure, in about six to eight weeks.
We're still in preproduction.
Preproduction? The kids are all over me, they're dying to see it.
I'm supposed to show it tomorrow.
Well, that ain't happening.
Can you push it? No, I can't push it.
Aah, what are we going to do? Why don't you go over there, have sex with the woman, film it, and use that tape? You have absolutely no sense of what we're doing here, huh? I do not.
Hey, you kids.
Who wants pizza in their mouth? Boo.
Oh, hey, Mom, what's up? Sorry, everyone, he's got a hard out at 3:00.
These Festiva people.
I get it, my son sells cars.
(clears throat) Let him have a life.
I should go, too.
I'm up for a recurring on Bones.
You're still going to pretend you didn't hire them? We're sorry, Julie, we thought the actors would help.
You could help by being honest and not lying to my face.
(sobbing) Jeremy, you blew it! Why'd you tell her they were actors?! She was buying it! Richard, I know you meant well, but did it ever occur to you that maybe Julie was happy with Beth and Val? Those burnouts? How could Julie possibly have been happy with them? Because they weren't being paid to like her? Hmm, I see what you're saying.
I'm gonna call the bank and stop payment on Clay and Montana's checks, just like you suggested.
That's not what I was suggest (honks horn) What was that? That's not what I was (honks horn) Huh? I wasn't suggesting (holding horn) I was suggesting that maybe you let Julie be friends with, with-- ugh! Joel, wait.
For what? What are we doing with these tapes? It's silly, right? Things were better before, when we were just boys.
We were never boys.
Yes, we definitely were, but listen, I think the best thing we can do now is just to tell everyone that each other's sex tapes are real.
You saw mine, I saw yours, but we're not showing them anymore so we can just relax and do school and be kids and best friends.
Or you could just face the music and tell everyone that you made the whole thing up.
Brent.
RICHARD:  So it never comes off? Okay, airport security? Stays on-- special line.
Funeral.
On.
Water park? Oh, she can't go to a water park.
Could you imagine? Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.
(laughter) Oh, that's good, Beth.
What are you guys doing here? Your dad invited us.
He did? Julie, I'm sorry.
If you want to socialize with Val or Beth or even this bag of trash, that's your right.
Really? I was wrong to impose new friends on you.
Friends are like a back brace: they may be straight-up ugly, but, hey, they support you, and with any luck, you'll outgrow 'em.
Thanks for still wanting to be my friends.
Well, I'm gonna take that thanks and mark it with a big, fat "return to sender," Jules, because you stuck by us while we got off all those drugs.
Yeah, we were so balls-out high, we didn't even remember doing them.
Mm-hmm, right, but that didn't make it any easier to quit.
Just one day at a time.
ALLEN GREGORY: Hey, Dad, what made you stop lying to Julie's face? Well, I got caught, Allen Gregory.
So if you hadn't, you would have kept the lie going? Oh, absolutely, at all costs.
At all costs.
Just because two words sound the same doesn't mean they arethe Thanks for warming 'em up for me, Gyna.
Now, how about you go hit the lav and double-check that makeup while I show these kids a sex tape? So, on that DVD is you having sex with the principal? That's right.
Okay, well, cut the foreplay and jam it in.
Okay, Joel, no, he will do no such thing.
(panting) Hello, Ms.
Winthrop, I need to speak to you about Oh, oh, Allen Gregory and his, and his tape.
I think I've heard about this.
Are you about to play it? Whatever's on that DVD, he is not playing it in my classroom.
Absolutely not.
I should just confiscate it and take it in my office and destroy it and play it in there.
I'll just take it with my hand and fingers now.
Here we go.
Look, when I play this sex tape right now, it'll make me an instant legend in the eyes of everyone-- Joel Zadak, everyone-- but the shocking contents will also destroy Judith and Sid's fake relationship.
(panicked chuckling): What? And I can't do that, not like this.
Oh.
Judy, all this sex tape proved was that I had your body, and, boy, did I have that thing working overtime for me, but I don't just want your body.
I want your heart, I want your soul.
Winthrop, you have no control over your classroom.
You know something, Joel? By destroying the tape, he left the whole incident shrouded in mystery.
He did, didn't he? Yeah, he really did, guys.
Well, there's no way to be sure either way.
Ian, we were fine.
Sorry, Joel.
Now apologize to Guillermo.
Oh, I'm sorry, Guillermo.
Now bring it back to me.
Oh, Joel, again, yeah, sorry.
So you're telling me there's nothing we can do about this? Nah, I can't fix this.
Was this in the Dumpster? Yeah, for like five seconds.
Just give me some DVD glue, I'll do it myself.
That's not a thing.
Well, maybe I should tell your manager that you'renot a thing! What do you think he'd say to that? I think he'd be confused? Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Best guess-- what's on this thing? Sir, something tells me you already know.
(sighs) I do, I do.
Also, I left my printer with you guys.
It's supposed to be ready today.
What's the name? It's under my wife's name-- Gottlieb.
You guys don't have the same name?