Ally Mcbeal s01e02 Episode Script

- Hello? - Are you awake? We've got an emergency.
Arraignment's at 9.
I appreciate this.
- Judge Mack's firm with young lawyers.
- Not now.
John, Ally McBeal.
John's a cofounder.
- Hi.
- He's loathe to meet you like this.
She'll handle the arraignment and dispose of it.
- Give me the facts.
- You know them.
He pulled over to help her.
After he inserted his pride, he realized she was a hooker.
- Is that my argument? - You're the litigator.
Oral arguments at 10.
On another matter, I'm sure you don't have plans tonight? Why? I'm meeting with Ronald Cheanie, Gaddum Publishing, big ticket.
- Two sell better than one.
- I can't sell.
You landed the airline account.
Just got word.
Boyle's sitting, not Mack.
- Boyle? - Boyle.
- Billy.
- Billy? - Get him to the courthouse.
- What? New strategy.
Happy Boyle is sitting.
Tell him to meet Ally B.
M.
C.
- What? - If called, plead not guilty.
- Ask for a conference.
- What's going on? Billy knows Boyle.
I ran the police report and probation on the prostitute.
Her crimes don't affect credibility.
Here she goes again, "Me, me, me.
" Thank you.
We caught a break here.
File Billy's appearance.
Come on, let's go.
I've been down this road Compromising Positions Walking the line That's painted by pride And I have made mistakes in my life That Ijust can't hide Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring I got myself together Now I'm ready to sing I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life Now I know I can shine a light To find my way back home Oh, baby, yeah Oh, yeah I'm going to criminal court? I'm afraid of criminals.
Maybe that'll change now that I work for one.
Case 6021: Commonwealth versus Cage.
Ally McBeal for the defendant.
We plead not guilty- Billy Thomas, judge.
Waive reading.
Could we sidebar? Hurry, I'm gassing.
- How are you, Frank? - Hanging.
Your Honor, John's just a bit stupid.
Let's make this go away.
- Community service, whatever.
- You care? No.
- Who's your little friend? - Excuse me? Ally McBeal's an associate at my firm.
- Is she a good lawyer? - Very.
Let me see your teeth.
- I beg your pardon? - Hygiene's important.
Just show me your teeth.
Okay.
Court costs and you owe me.
Work out a schedule with probation.
I'll see you later.
Case dismissed.
Next? I don't know what just went on.
He isn't against consensual sex offenders.
- You're friends with this judge? - We're friendly a little.
How can he kick a case so quickly? And how are my teeth relevant? - Honey! - Honey? Hi.
Oh, that "honey.
" Hi, Ally.
Nice surprise.
We just had a case together in court.
- What kind? - Consensual sex.
- I mean- - Prostitution.
I'm sorry I'm late.
- We're looking at fabric for our home.
- Fabric? Oh.
- Nice to see you again, Georgia.
- You too.
- I'll see you back at the office.
- Okay.
- Bye, again.
- Bye.
Fabric? They're picking out fabric? A city of millions and I keep running into her? Fabric? John! A second of your time? - We started this firm with a dream.
- Money.
I was to be the sharp ass and you, a pillar of dignity.
- Haven't I been every bit the ass? - And more.
I don't get how hookers fit in your scheme, but focus on the positive.
When a person reveals a flaw, he digs deeper into himself.
What happened to you builds character.
You are a stronger man today than you were yesterday.
I can feel the strength.
Well done.
I'm not endorsing prostitution.
But it's a waste trying to enforce it.
And it's okay for a girl to demand a ring before sex, but not money.
Whipper likes to say "ring" to torture me.
Don't you? Double standards are everywhere.
Sex is currency.
This guy is cute.
You mean to endorse that morally? Ally, have you ever used your sexuality to gain advantage? Me? No.
A secretary offered to give me an easement on her breast - for Fridays off.
- Tell that one when I return.
- I have to go to the restroom.
- I have to make a visit too.
What's up with you and Whipper? She's my girlfriend.
- Your girlfriend? - I like older women.
Always have.
- Is there a problem? - No, is - Whipper here as your date? - Yes.
By chance is this evening kind of like a double date? Oh, no, no.
Kind of.
So Mr.
Cheanie thinks that I'm here as his escort? - Up she goes.
- I'm going to the bathroom.
- You make all your decisions there? - Yours aren't made with a mirror.
Ouch! Stung again.
It tingles.
I can't believe I'm here just to smile at him.
Three years of law school and it comes down to my teeth.
What have we here? - Are you sure they were kissing? - She was licking his tonsils.
- I have to tell Richard.
- No, messengers get shot.
- He's my boss.
- Maybe he had her kiss him - to help land the account.
- That's possible.
Stay out of it, or get some other busybody to do your dirty work.
- Why are you being nice? - Haven't I been nice to you? No.
Actually, you've been snappish.
- I have not been snappish.
- Yes, you have.
Whenever I inquire about your welfare, you get short.
- Last night, I asked you- - If I was ovulating.
And you answered snappish.
Anyway, I like you when you're sweet.
Is it because you want something? Are Richard Fish and Whipper, are they serious? Oh, that.
He says that she's the one.
She could be the latest relic of the month.
You think- Would Richard ever use Whipper to land a client? Like, have her flirt with somebody or, who knows kiss a person? I'm trying to get familiar with the strategies of the firm.
Is this about Judge Boyle letting John off? No, but is there a story in that? It's not my business, but Boyle was at Billy's bachelor party last year.
- You know that they had one there.
- One what? A hooker.
For Billy.
- A hooker for my Billy? - After Billy, some guests indulged.
And Judge Boyle was one of them.
Can you picture it? It's not your business.
- How in God's name-? - It wasn't in God's name.
- Does Georgia know? - Of course not.
- I'd appreciate your not telling her.
- Oh, Billy.
- I don't want to talk.
- I have a right to know.
- Ex-girlfriends don't have rights.
- I do.
We'd all been drinking.
And I was a drunk idiot.
What else can I say? - You act like I betrayed you.
- Well, in a way, you did.
If I had been the one you married, the same thing- - It doesn't sound like you.
- It meant nothing.
What if Georgia had a male hooker? - It's not the same.
- How? Women don't have the same sex-drive thing despite what's in Cosmopolitan.
- You know this for a fact? - So do you.
This makes men stupid.
This makes women stupid.
It's more of a betrayal when women cheat.
It's more mental.
It's a cerebral thing.
With men, a lot of the time it's just body parts, like that night.
I'm shocked by what's coming from your mouth.
Considering where it's been, I shouldn't be.
Did you cheat on me? Ally, if I'd cheat, I'd lie about it, wouldn't I? But the answer is no.
I never cheated on you.
Ally, you remember Ronny? - Yeah, hi.
- Hey.
Maybe you could answer his questions about our litigation department.
- Sure.
- I thought we'd go grab a drink.
- At 6? - I'd rather have a root canal.
Well, I Sounds good.
Just saying yes to a drink made me have to run home and shower.
I'm having drinks with a man to get ahead.
It doesn't matter that I'm not in a relationship.
Sometimes I feel I'm just being unfaithful to love itself.
So, what are your questions about our litigation department? I don't have any questions.
That was a pretext.
Pig! My question goes more to the integrity of the firm, in general.
- I beg your pardon? - I know about John and the prostitute.
We all know Richard Fish.
Is the firm, I don't know, moral? I saw you kiss Whipper.
- Oh.
- Yeah, oh.
What exactly was the ethical pulse throbbing there? Well, uh Here comes the sex-drive speech.
That was a sort of spur-of-the-moment whim thing that just happened.
Is that it or have you explained it? I can't really defend it but it's certainly not as despicable as what John Cage did.
Do you think that was despicable? Don't you? He's a man.
Boys will be boys.
Do you really think that? It's no different than, say- Take a bachelor party.
Should guys go to court for fooling around with a hooker? It's a crime and it's immoral.
Somebody's going to marry somebody? How could you fool around? A bachelor party is no exception.
I kind of like him.
It started to happen.
Whether it was the wine, his eyes or my need to forget about Billy.
I didn't invite anything.
My body was stiff hands behind my back and I only smiled medium.
Even so.
- It's late, huh? - Yeah.
- Long day.
- Very long, boy.
- This day.
- It's long.
So long.
Good night.
Good night.
- You kissed him? - No, no, no! I didn't really kiss him.
It was a half-kiss.
Last night, this guy tongue-waggled Gipper.
- Whipper.
- Does he go around kissing everybody? He had a reason to kiss her.
What? He was angry at Richard for bringing me there as window-dressing.
He bumped into Whipper.
She looked nice and was flirting and he decided to kiss Richard's girlfriend.
A whim took over.
He sounded better.
- Working with Billy- - He has nothing to do with it.
- Kissing a guy you don't like- - He looked good.
Why can't women act like men sometimes? I liked a piece of meat so I said, "You only live once! Be a man! " All right! I don't drink this early, but we should celebrate.
- Way to go, Ally.
Again.
- Thanks.
I thought he'd spit the hook.
Whatever you did to him it worked.
Richard, can I speak with you for a second in private? Sure.
Billy, do you mind? I'll fill you in later.
- I'm kidding.
- I'm gone.
- Congratulations, again.
- Thanks.
I don't think we should accept this client.
- Seriously.
- I'm not comfortable with him.
I don't want him in these offices.
Taking his business will be a problem.
"Problem" is a bleak word for "challenge.
" This is a cash cow.
You don't have to do the milking but we will take this client.
- Anything else? - He kissed Whipper.
- I beg your pardon? - At dinner.
By the bathroom.
- I saw it.
- Seriously? This is serious.
They were kissing.
- In the restaurant? - Yes.
- They were kissing? - Yes.
- Each other? - Yes.
I'm sorry, Richard.
I just felt like I had to tell you.
No, I'm glad you did.
It wasn't on the cheek? - It was on the lips? - It was a heavy-duty kiss.
Well No big deal.
Not a big thing.
I'll consider whether or not we take on the client.
So, thank you.
That will be all.
- Are you okay? - Me? I'm fine.
Bygones.
Okay.
Richard? I feel I've lost the confidence of the office, and if you don't mind I'd like to address all personnel.
Fine.
I'll circulate a memo.
- So you told him? - Was it wrong? You should've seen his face.
He was so hurt.
I just thought that he should know.
- You did the right thing.
- Really? He's got to know, right? I mean, it's his girlfriend.
Should I tell Georgia? About the other? No.
She's my wife.
Maybe I should be honest.
If it's right to tell Richard the truth, what's the difference? Telling him will save him future hurt.
- Yours is past tense and- - What? There's no point in the truth if the only thing it will do is cause pain.
There is a difference.
One person who does need to hear a few things is Whipper.
- Know where I can find her? - Try the courthouse.
- Why the courthouse? - She works at Suffolk.
She does? She's a judge, Ally.
Judge Cone? You didn't know? No.
A judge? Even people we call Your Honor don't have any honor.
It shouldn't be legal to be a judge with a name like Whipper.
- You told him? - How could I not? Because you hurt him.
- I hurt him? - Yes, you did.
What happened had absolutely no meaning until now.
- You have given it meaning.
- You expect that to sound right? The truth isn't the best thing when the only consequence is pain.
- I'll remember for your courtroom.
- Is he okay? No, he's not okay.
That's why I'm here.
Do you have another name? Whipper seems too informal.
I have to see him.
You're supposed to avoid impropriety.
All you did was see.
There's always more.
Yeah, like Richard's feelings.
- What did she say to that? - Nothing.
- She was coming to see you.
- That won't do her any good.
We're having quite the intrusive morning, so far.
I'm feeling what it's like to be you.
Snappish.
Oh, come on.
- I don't understand.
- I'm sorry but things just aren't gonna work out.
I thought we were getting along.
Richard Fish is turning down my business- Ronny, take my word on this.
It's not gonna work out.
I have to ask you to leave.
Stay anyway.
- You want me to leave? - No.
Yes.
Wait, Ronny.
- Georgia.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I thought you and I should - He took the stairs.
- You could take the window.
- Snappish.
Ally, this is silly.
You and me.
How about we go to lunch? Sure.
That would probably be a good idea.
Excuse me.
Could I have everyone's attention? I think most of you know nothing matters to me more than this firm and the people here.
So it's with a lot of humility that I apologize for what I've done for the embarrassment I caused.
It's not easy to be a single, working man in this world.
Fourteen-hour days.
It's not easy to meet women.
I could buy a lady a drink and under the pretext of a relationship seduce her into satisfying my sexual needs.
But that goes against my grain to deceive, no matter the physical gratification.
So I thought it more honest to solicit a prostitute.
No lies, no deception no potential for someone with a vulnerable heart to rely falsely, to her detriment.
What I did was technically illegal.
It was.
But morally, I believe I was on higher ground.
It's ironic that I got arrested for having too much respect for a woman any woman, to lie.
For that, I could never be ashamed.
Thanks.
Georgia, we need to talk about something.
Okay.
Excuse me.
Oh, God.
He's gonna be honest.
What's the matter? There's something you got to know.
It happened a while ago.
It had no meaning whatsoever.
What? You're kind of scaring me.
Georgia How's it going? Good speech out there, huh? Would you excuse us? This is private.
- Yeah.
What part did I come in on? - What is this? Ally, excuse us, please.
- I think I should be the one to tell.
- Out! - No! It involves me, I'll tell.
- What? Somebody better start telling.
- Georgia- - Ally! Billy, I'm telling! Okay.
He thinks this doesn't mean anything.
And I agree, but being a woman I know we react to meaningless things.
Will you excuse us? Will I excuse you? See, Georgia, before you were married Actually, the very first day he met you he saw your thigh.
My thigh? And he thought it was me because he has always loved my thighs.
And when he first saw you- I mean, your thigh, because he wasn't looking up he felt all nostalgic.
Do you see how our thighs are similar? He was captured by your thigh.
Then he looked up and it wasn't my face and he fell madly in love with you and your thigh.
And I felt that since my thigh was involved I should be the one to tell.
- What kind of medication are you on? - If you had told her- - "Your thigh.
" Where'd you get that? - I don't know.
I was thinking about what you said about body parts so I thought of that.
And a thigh seemed pretty innocent as parts go.
You are something.
You would have destroyed her.
A clear conscience wouldn't have been worth it.
You would've killed her.
She doesn't have to know.
Thanks.
- Son of a bitch.
- Richard! Not to worry.
Only me.
Excuse me.
She knew anyway.
Ally.
Yeah? - Thanks.
- What are friends for? I liked my job before, but, God, do I love it now.
- Why did he feel so guilty? - He was scared it would hurt you.
Most women don't want to remind a man of another woman's leg.
You think men go for parts, but it's more mental for women? I don't know.
I do know that if I were gonna fantasize, you know-? Yeah.
I can't just lock on to an anonymous magazine model.
Even with a great body, if I can't attach a personality to him I can't make it happen.
- So, it is more mental? - But a guy can open Playboy see just the body, and make himself happy.
- They don't care if we have heads.
- You're overstating it.
I doubt it.
See that guy over there? How gorgeous is he? Very.
If he came and told you he had a hotel room, would you follow? - You would not.
- Of course.
He could be a wacko.
And so could I.
But watch this.
I'm sorry.
I've never done this before in my life.
I can see you're married.
I don't even want to know your name.
I don't even want to talk.
I live across the street.
I just want to be naked with you for an hour and pretend it never happened, and remember it forever.
Let me pay my check.
I'm sorry.
I thought you were somebody else.
My mistake.
You see? Men will throw away their lives for sex.
It's a drug.
You're the drug.
You're kind of curvy.
It's not me.
You try it.
Go ahead.
Pick anyone.
All right.
Don't even speak.
I live across the street and I want to take your clothes off.
Do bad things.
I'll have you back in an hour.
Ally? Ally McBeal? Greg Stone.
I was your brother's roommate at Bates.
Oh.
Hello.
I can't move my feet.
- You got a second? - Sure.
I want to drop off a questionnaire for you to fill out about my speech.
It shouldn't take long.
- A questionnaire? - Yeah, feedback's very important.
I lend great import to test scores.
So rate one to five for each category: Pace, sincerity, overall performance.
I never trust applause.
It can be disingenuous since I'm a partner.
I thank you in advance for your candor.
Great speech.
Whipper's here.
She can't find Richard.
She thinks you might know where he is physically, not emotionally.
Tell her where to go.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Richard? Richard, are you in here? You said this is where you go to talk.
The Whip is here.
- Please come out, Nuckie.
- Nuckie? - He's not here.
- He lifts up his feet.
- Richard, are you here? - No! Richard.
For God's sake, come out.
We need to talk.
- Come on, Billy.
- No, no, no! I want witnesses.
If she convinces me to take her back, talk me out of it.
We need to talk alone.
Say what you have to say.
Briefly.
I'm sorry.
I've never done anything like that.
- Why this time? - Be a witness.
- Sorry.
- No.
I want an answer.
- I don't know.
- That's a lie! I could tell you.
I just don't know if you'd understand it.
This handsome man just said: "You're beautiful.
It sounds ridiculous but would you mind if I kissed you?" I thought, "No, I wouldn't mind.
It would be nice.
" Years ago I'd slap him.
Stuff like that happened a lot.
People would look at me and But now? I just thought, "How wonderful.
" And I kissed him.
And I'm sorry.
Richard, because it's not about you or us and because I do love you.
- But if this is you loving him- - Witness.
Sorry.
I'm not even 30 and you do this? What if I'm old and gray? Or bald? I think anybody could be guilty of an indiscretion.
Once.
Great.
They love each other.
This is all my fault.
- We need to talk.
- I can't talk to you now.
How about never? Is never good? I hated your speech.
Snappish.
- You have to give her a chance.
- Why? Because you love her.
Because there aren't "plenty of fish in the sea.
" Sometimes there's only one fish.
Trust me.
Hey! Private! - Think he heard that? - How? He was at least a yard away.
- Do you love her? - I'm not sure.
I think so, but it could be - Maybe it's just the wattle.
- Excuse me? I like the hint of a wattle in older women.
Loose skin on the neck.
It's so arousing for me, the way it gently hangs.
Whipper's neck is tight now, but it has potential.
It'll be so perfect.
Do I love her, or the impending wattle? It just makes me crazy.
Well, that's always the question.
If there's a possibility you love her, you have to take those chances.
She's She said she'd be waiting in the bathroom.
Okay.
Okay.
Thank you.
Look.
I don't care if I'm not represented by the firm.
I'd like to see you again.
You don't know what you're getting into.
That would be the fun part.
I can't.
I, I maybe next week.
Next week.
That would be fine.
I'll call you.
- A two? - Excuse me? My questionnaire.
You gave me a two.
Total.
You asked for candor.
"More honest to solicit a hooker?" What would you have scored? - Five.
- Five? - Under comments you wrote "Imp"? - I'm sorry, John.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
I was offended by what you said.
I just don't understand how you can You know what? Just forget it.
- Can I ask you a question? - Anything.
- Do you have sex often? - You can't ask me that! - You don't know me! - I'm single and work all the time and I go years, sometimes, without.
Do men just have to have it? On occasion, yes.
Maybe my score should be docked for saying I can go to a bar and hit on a woman for a one-night stand.
The truth is, that is not an option for me.
Whatever a woman's vision of an evening of passion may be I rarely find myself in the picture.
It's still not an excuse for In high school, I picked up a nickname which follows me to this day.
Know what they call me? No.
"The Little Biscuit.
" They used to call me "The Popsicle.
" - Sorry isn't enough.
- You're not forgiving.
So I'm to blame? I'm to blame, damn it.
I'm owning that! - Oh, Richard.
- I just can't! Come here.
Don't do this.
Richard.
No, no, no.
No.
You can't just undo things with sex every time.
Nuckie.
- This is not fair.
- It's never fair.
Touch it.
Touch it.
- Touch it.
- I can't.
Just touch it.
Touch it.
Hey.
Billy.
Hi.
Why do you care so much? Excuse me? Why do you care if Whipper and Richard get together? I don't know.
It's um Being around Elaine so much, part of her rubbed off on me.
Now I have a desire to butt into everybody's business.
Really, why? I need to believe that it works.
- What works? - Love.
Couplehood.
Partnerships.
The idea that people who come together, they stay together.
I have to take that to bed at night, even if I'm going alone.
That's a McBealism.
There's a singer She stands up when she plays her piano In the nightclub There's a singer She sings songs for the lost and the lonely Maybe it's because love is about learning to compromise.
That's why they get into compromising positions.
It's research.
Whatever the secret is, I don't think I'm gaining on it.
I don't need the answers.
I've got friends.
I've got hope.
I've got twins.
You stinker!