Almost Heroes (2011) s01e02 Episode Script

(Yawning) What're you doing? Terry, say nothing.
Act casual.
I don't like where this is going.
Criminals have broken into the store while we slept.
Hand me my axe.
(Whispering) They're customers.
- Not for long, they're not.
- Hand me my axe.
- Peter! - Yes.
I've explained this many times.
We open early now; That's what coffee shops do.
Dad never believed in opening before noon.
And dad, God love him, never made a dime.
We have to start taking this business seriously.
I take the business seriously.
What do you mean? We're open all day, we don't wear pj's to work, and we're always polite to our customers.
I am always polite to our customers.
Even Francis.
(Hisses) Francis! Peter: Take it back, Francis! (Francis:) No way! "Doctor who" is gay.
I'll show you gay.
No, wait! That came out wrong! That came out wrong! Hey, no more stealing food from the coffee shop.
We have to pay for it.
Uh, no we don't, the coffee shop does.
We are the coffee shop.
Oh yeah.
You see, this is why we make such a great team.
On my own, I am powerful, but unfocused like a laser.
Lasers are focused.
That's their whole thing, being focused.
But you came along and pointed this laser into fate's eye and now fate can see 20/20! That is total gibberish.
The point is, together we can do anything.
You realize that, as soon as the store is back on track, I'm leaving, right? (Covering) Yeah, of course! All right.
(Thinking as a super-villain) Oh, no, Terry.
I'm afraid I can't let you go anywhere just yet.
(Sinister laugh) (Terry:) And no more sinister laughing.
(Continues laughing in his head) I don't get it.
We were finally starting to do well and now we're losing money fast.
Really fast.
Almost suspiciously fast.
What an unfortunate turn of events.
(Dan:) Hello, boys.
(Both:) Ahhhh! Dan! Oh, you got money troubles, huh? Shame you won't be able to buy that new training bra.
Terry doesn't need a training bra - because he's not a girl.
- Yeah.
And if he was, he'd need a big Double-D bra for our giant breasts.
Thanks, man.
Okay.
Well I've got money to make.
I'll see ya, big tits.
Free comic with purchase? Great idea, Terry! Oh, thank you.
For my free comic, I will take that muffin.
No substitutions.
(Peter:) Adventure Cat? Treeman? You can't give these away.
(Terry:) They're worthless discards.
Treeman? Worthless? He's the only thing standing between the meadow and chaos! (Fake excitement) Oh my gosh! Enjoy your free comic.
Peter, I'll trade you this comic for a muffin.
Obviously.
Take two.
(Terry:) I give up.
What's his problem? He's just stressed because we're not making any money.
I thought you guys were doing well.
That's the perils of the free market society, and I'm stealing from the till.
What? Well, he's gonna leave as soon as we're out of debt and I don't want him to go.
Peter, you've have to give it back.
You're right.
I should invest the money to impress Terry.
I didn't say that.
Good point.
It would have to be an investment so big it would impress Terry enough to stay! I think you're only hearing what you wanna hear.
Okay, I'll take a nap first, but I don't see how it's gonna help.
(Candi:) Well hey, big gulp.
Where've you been? We've been swamped.
(Distant thud) Hey! You know those are for girls, right? And men with naturally slender necks.
If you must know, I was having coffee with my friends.
(Laughs) Of course you were.
And then you rode your unicorn home and ate a salad.
I love make-believe.
I have friends - Terry and Pete.
Oh, gay guy friends.
Right.
I thought you meant real friends.
Girl friends.
I have girl friends! A tonne of them.
A metric tonne.
Too many.
Like Like like her! That's your friend? Uh, try best friend.
Oh, she's texting me.
(Laughs) Oh, our inside jokes.
What a funny remark! Well, looks like we're meeting for lunch.
Gotta go.
(Boyd:) My chin's a summer, but my neck's a winter? There you are.
Oh, don't forget your free comic.
Thanks.
Oh, Peter! I think I figured out why we don't have any money.
(Nervously) Worm hole? Someone's been stealing from us.
Somebody we know.
Someone desperate - Boyd! - I did it.
Or Boyd! Boyd did it! Let's get him, regardless of his alibi.
You stole from us! You're mad, aren't you? Oooooooh no! Oh okay.
I may have overreacted a little.
Sorry about that.
It's gonna leave a mark for sure.
What do you say uh You back up, I pull.
Let's do this.
Okay, ready? Okay.
All right.
One, two, three! (Grunts of effort) Okay, it is in there.
Why would you do that, Peter! I've been working so hard to turn this place around.
Yeah, but when we do, you're gonna leave! You realize if the store fails I'm definitely leaving, right? I hadn't thought that through.
How much did you take? $1,500.
We have $1,500? Wow.
Maybe I do know how to run a business.
You do! We can actually pay rent! - We can! - So give it back.
I can't! I spent it on a comic.
The Dark Badger, issue one.
It's incredibly rare.
I see.
No, but it's a comic I've already got a buyer for! He's going to give us three thousand dollars; That's double our money.
Wow.
Peter, I'm impressed.
You might even say you're so impressed, you never want to leave.
Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
So where is this $3000 dollar comic? It's on the counter.
- This counter? - Yeah.
- Right here.
- Mm-hm.
Next to the pile of other comics I've been giving away for free - Yes.
- This whole time.
Indeed.
Do you see it now? Huh.
I just I do not.
Where do you thnk it went? I don't know.
Maybe I gave it away! Oh my God, Terry! That was worth $3000 dollars! Hey! Rayna, old buddy.
(Chuckles) Hi I want to say Sally? Bernie! It's Bernie.
Right.
Sorry.
Well No.
You can call me Sally, I don't mind.
I kind of look like a Sally.
Glad to hear it Sally.
(Laughing) That is hilarious! Oh, how we laugh together over shared things.
What's happening here? - What? - Are you on painkillers? No.
I-I'm trying to prove to my boss that I actually have girlfriends.
Oh.
Is that your boss? (Bernie:) Depends.
Are you looking at a size two with the heart of a snake, tongue of a jackal, and skin of a Well, actually, her skin is pretty good.
Yeah.
Can I buy you lunch? Really? You'd buy me lunch? Why? I'm hungry.
Plus, I've shopped there before.
She's a dick.
Francis! Don't.
Open.
That.
Bag! I need that comic, Francis! No way! It's mine.
That guy gave it to me! That was just a hilarious mix up! Not my problem! I'll give you twenty bucks.
I said no! Look, Francis.
This can go down the easy way or the hard way.
But either way, that comic is mine.
He bit me! He bit me! (Crying) Hmph.
Hey, Terry.
(Terry:) Bernie, thank God.
I need you to help me find a missing comic.
If we don't find it, there's no way we can pay our- Rayna! Our landlord! Hi! - Problem? - Nope.
You look great, but you know that.
What you might not know is that I have two tickets to whatever it is you happen to like this Friday.
Sounds great.
- Are you serious? - No.
Hey! Did you find the comic? (Peter:) Can't talk.
Must clean my wound.
All right You know what? Just help yourselves to uh I gotta That was so cool how you did that? Did what? Before, when you shot Terry down and he liked you more.
Oh, yeah, that.
Well, I'll let you in on my most closely guarded secret: I'm not interested.
The clothes, the attitude, the way you say cool things like "I'm not interested" You've got it all.
I'm still stuck working at this crappy mall for a boss I hate.
We're so alike.
Yeah.
He's always making me stay late, or redo paperwork.
Or calling you God's biggest mistake? What? This is how you should get back at your boss.
Mail him a jar of bees.
(Laughs) A jar of bees? Bernie, you're funny.
(Nervous chuckle) Yes funny Because no one would actually do that.
How would the bees even stay alive? You'd put holes in the lid.
Er, I'd guess.
(Candi screaming, bees buzz) Hey, kid.
Looks like those losers want that comic book pretty bad.
Any idea why? Because they're losers? Nice one.
I like you kid.
Great.
You tell all the kids in the parking lot how much you like them? All right, easy.
I was just going to offer you 20 bucks for it.
Oh, you just offer them money; That's way less creepy.
Okay, look, kid.
This can go down the easy way or the hard way.
But either way, that's comic's mine.
Now, just let me do the talking, all right? Where is this kid? (Francis:) He bit me! He bit me! There.
Francis doesn't have the comic.
- Well, if he didn't have the comic, - Yeah.
- And we don't have the comic - Uh-huh.
- And he doesn't have the comic, - Okay.
- Then we don't have the comic? - You've got nothin'.
(Dan:) Looking for this, fairy boys? (Chuckles) Oh, I don't think so.
That is not good.
Yeah, some people would call that hate speech.
No, he has the comic.
I don't care what he called us.
Then you are part of the problem.
I wanna return this.
The neck's all stretched out, and it's just not my colour.
Are these bullet holes? Oh, yeah.
And there's bullet holes.
No problem.
You're in a good mood.
Drunk? No.
This is real happiness.
Not 2 A.
M.
sad happiness.
Hey, have you noticed how great Rayna is? Sure.
The attitude, the clothes.
The way she says cool things like, "You can't park that van here.
" Oh, she has got it all.
I know! And I think we're becoming friends! Like real friends.
Not 2 A.
M.
sad friends.
Look, I know you really like her, but take it easy.
You don't want to come on too strong.
Don't worry.
I'll play it cool.
Hey, Ray! Hi wow! Look at Me.
Oh, my gosh! We're wearing the same thing! What a fun coincidence! I just threw this on this morning.
I saw you an hour ago.
Right.
So, where do you want to get lunch tomorrow? I made reservations at like twelve places just in case.
The dutch/italian fusion sounds good, but, you know, confusing.
Yeah.
I'd love to get lunch, but I'm actually meeting some other friends.
You have other friends? Don't you? Of course! I'll just take one of them to "The Windmills of Sicily.
" Okay.
Sounds good.
Unless lunch was some kind of a big deal? Big deal? It's forgotten.
(Chuckles) What're we even talking about? Who am I? Who are the flowers for? No one.
I just like to buy myself flowers sometimes.
(Peter:) Whoa! Where are you going? (Terry:) I'm out.
You spent all our money on a comic and then gave it away.
Technically, you gave the comic away, so I'm the one who should be leaving.
I'd like to say it's been fun, but I can't.
Where are my keys? (Peter:) How am I gonna pay rent? You can't.
What's going to happen to the store? Will be in flames within minutes.
What do I tell Wendell? I have no idea who that is.
He's the guy I promised the comic to.
He sounds like a serious collector.
He's gonna be pretty mad.
His name's Wendell and he likes comic books; Just throw his inhaler on the roof.
Biker: I'm here about a comic.
Peter? I don't suppose you have an inhaler? I.
Want.
My.
Comic.
What would you do if I told you we didn't have said comic? (Shatters) Wow.
Well, I'm off.
No, no, no.
He's gonna kill me.
Which is exactly why I have to leave.
I can't watch him kill you.
I love you too much.
Oh no, please! Fine.
All right.
Here's what we do.
One of us stays here and keeps Wendell busy, while the other uses his wits and charm to trick Dan into giving us the comic back.
I promise I will make this up to you.
Peter, just get through this, all right? I'm not going to abandon you when you're in danger; That's not what brothers do.
Peter! Son of a (Chuckles) You got a brother? I did.
I killed him.
Ah, good for you.
So uh I'm gonna run.
Good choice.
Hey, Bernie.
Oh, hello, stranger.
I'd love to stay and chat, but I cannot talk to you right now as I'm off to hang out with all of my other friends.
Oh.
Okay.
Yep.
They're pretty great.
So there's Simone Farquar Simone 2.
She's the streetwise one.
Wow.
They they sound great.
They are.
They really are.
Yep.
Hurts, doesn't it? I just wanted to see if you were up for coffee, but, um, you're busy, so Wait.
You-you'd still want to have coffee with me? Wait.
You didn't think, just because I wasn't available for lunch tomorrow, we were never going to hang out again, did you? Of course not! Because that would be crazy and a little bit sad.
But you're going out with your friends, so Well, I mean, it's not gonna take long.
It's just next door.
I'll be done in no time and we can grab coffee then! Okay, great.
Or I could meet you there.
I mean, it is a coffee shop.
And then I can meet your great friends.
Great! Dan: Well, well, well.
What can I do for you? New pair of figure skates? Ha-ha-ha! Very funny.
The old ones are just fine, thank you.
You know, I think you're probably here because this comic is pretty important.
Pffft! That old thing? Hah! As if.
It's worthless.
So you don't mind if I were to just Oh! No, no! Please! It's worth thousands of dollars- - Jackpot! - Damn it! Thousands! Well, to think I was gonna let you have it for a $100 bucks.
Would you take a hundred bucks now? - Sure.
- Really? No.
How about a trade, hmm? Everyone loves a trade.
How about a bat signed by major league baseball's first black player? First black player was Jackie Robinson.
This looks like it was signed by Jackwell Robertson.
Right.
Also, it's aluminum.
I see.
And it's from my store.
Did you pay for it? Would a football signed by Baby Rooth sweeten the deal? Get out.
(Cell phone rings) (Whispering) Can't talk! Hiding! (Phone rings) Damn it, Peter.
(Peter:) Terry! Hey Terry! Don't worry! I will figure something out! I promise! What? Him? Oh no, no, no.
Don't worry.
Stop! He doesn't see you at all! A giant brown van is the perfect place to hide.
Okay, now he sees you.
That-that was partially my fault.
You're only making this worse.
How's that possible?! (Bernie:) Rayna! Hi! Meet my friends? This is Simone, Farquar, and, of course, Simone 2.
Why can't I be Boyd? (Bernie:) Oh, Simone 2, you are a riot! - I want my ten bucks.
- Okay.
(Rayna:) Uh, maybe I should go.
Nonsense.
No, no, no! Grab a seat.
Just-just not there.
Farquar gets a little bitey.
Bernie, what are you doing? I am having a perfectly normal coffee break with three of my closest friends, who clearly are not homeless people.
What are you doing? Uh, I'm leaving.
Ladies.
Charmed.
Oh, no, no! Wait! Please! Look.
Okay, you caught me.
They aren't my friends.
That's a hell of a way to find out.
I made up friends to make you jealous.
And then I didn't want you to know I was lying, so I did the only logical thing.
You hired two homeless people and put Boyd in a wig? Anyone would do the same thing.
Look, I like you, it's just I'm a colour-inside-the-lines kind of person and you colour wherever you damn well please.
What are you saying? I don't think this is going to work.
Well, at least I still have you guys.
Where did they go? You came on too strong.
And Farquar took your purse.
(Peter:) We're doomed! Doomed! Feeling doomed? I don't know if you know what's going on with my brother and me- (Terry:) I am gonna kill you! I got the gist of it.
Well, I need dark badger issue one, otherwise Terry's a dead man and it's all my fault.
Let me tell you a story.
Yes please! When I was twelve, I smashed my mother's best vase over my brother's head.
Knocked him out cold.
My mother loved that vase.
So, the next day I went out and I bought one that looked exactly like it.
She never knew the difference.
And once my brother finally comes out of that coma Ooh, how we will laugh.
A replica vase, eh? A forgery that looks exactly like the original vase.
Boyd, you're a genius! Ahhhh! Wait! Wait! No, no, no! - I have your comic! - Oh, thank God.
Now to give you your comic, which is clearly the original one, not a quickly doctored forgery.
Oh, shit.
What in the world was this! A vase! Oh, Boyd, that didn't work at all.
Where? I don't see anything? Keep looking, keep looking! Keep looking! Oh goodness! Wow, you're strong.
Peter, save yourself! No, no, no.
This is all my fault.
Please, I-I Beat me off instead.
That's not how you say that.
- Okay.
- Oh God! (Fighting grunts) Time to go to sleep, big man.
He's not going to sleep.
Wow How could a guy named Wendell have such a strong neck.
Who's Wendell? You're not Wendell? Of course he's not Wendell.
Does he look like a Wendell? I'm Leslie.
(Both laugh) Of course you're Leslie.
Leslie, Leslie.
What are you doing here? Someone stole my nephew's comic out of the parking lot and bit him.
I'm here to get his comic back and exact revenge.
That wasn't us, that was Dan.
And Dan is? Three doors down.
Creepy moustache.
Oh my gosh, I am so embarassed.
Fifteen hundred should cover the damages? (Peter and Terry giggle) Again, I I feel so silly.
No Get outta here.
(Relieved sighs) Oh, hello.
Hi.
So yeah.
(Candi:) There you are.
I was talking to a sweater for ten minutes before I was like when did Bernie get so smart? I should go.
Hey, Candi, by the way, congratulations.
Huh? Oh, you're not pregnant? I'm sorry.
Coffee later? Sure.
Sounds good.
(Ecstatic squeal) (Peter:) So, I guess you'll be making tracks, moving on, hitting the next town in search of good grub and clean sheets? I'm not a hobo, Peter, and uh I'm not going anywhere.
You're not?! I mean, yeah, I knew you'd never leave me.
Well, I don't know about never, but I'd say you learned your lesson.
Oh, I have.
Never steal money, buy a rare comic and then lose it.
Okay, that's a pretty specific lesson, but still, you were willing to take a beating for me.
I was, and I would do it again.
Oh, my God.
Is that what a beating looks like? Oh, no, no, no.
I would never risk that for you! Can I have a coffee, please? Wh-what happened to your face there, Dan? (Unintelligible) Frarhalahsalhfldsh What did he say? I don't know.
I think he's sorry that he stole our comic.
Also, he has a small penis.
(Laughs) What? Why would he admit to that? I don't know.
Enjoy.
So it all worked out.
No loose ends at all.
Hi, my name's Wendell.
I believe you have a comic for me.
(Hard slap, Wendell lands with a thud)