Alpha House (2013) s01e02 Episode Script

Now you're up for re-election soon.
Can we talk about your primary opponent, - Al Hickock? - Certainly.
Al's a Al's a friend.
I've known Al for years.
- So have I.
- Yeah.
- He's a great guy.
- Good man.
Now that is a man's man, right? He's that that's the take on him, that he is just all man.
The name right there Al Hickock.
Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! How are you gonna fight that? Well, Al is blessed with a tall frame and thick hair.
Yeah, it's like Ronald Reagan and Arnold Schwarzenegger had a baby, that then renounced his two gay parents.
He's a he's a bit of a sportsman.
Did you e do you play any sports? Uh, a little bit.
I'm more of a What what sports did you play when you were younger? - Well, I was bit of tennis - Tennis.
- Early on.
- That's good.
But I wrestling.
Did a bit of wrestling in my day.
I wrestled too.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
I wrestled a little bit in high school.
- Oh.
- You wanna throw down? You wanna get into Do you think we should? All: Steven, Steven, Steven, Steven, Steven, Steven! You're not gonna believe what you're about to see here.
Here is Senator Laffer on Colbert last night.
It's an Internet meme already.
- Check this out.
- It's hilarious.
Hey, Gil John, you gotta see this.
Gil.
It's Louis.
He's on Colbert.
Colbert? Why the hell would he do Colbert? Oh, Christ, now now they're wrestling.
Come on, get him, Louis.
Jesus, Gil John, save some hot water for Adriana.
Gil John? Son of a bitch! Sorry, man.
You were using up all the hot water.
What the fuck, Guzman? You flushed the toilet.
- What are we, like, ten years old? - You seemed to be asleep, which Every morning between 8.
00 and 8.
20, I take a nap in the shower.
It's what I do.
Ask for Christ's sakes.
Oh, my God! I'm so sorry, Senator.
Damn! Jesus Christ.
Now I gotta wear clothes around here 'cause of Andy Guzman's girlfriend.
Actually, that's a win for everyone there, Gil.
Tell me, Robert, is there any upside to that ass-clown? I mean, did you vet him at all? Not like there was a waiting list, man.
You're gonna eat that, huh? - Fuck me.
- You're upset.
Buster, come here, boy.
Sorry about all the boxes.
I'll finish unpacking tonight.
Oh, and Adriana is gonna decorate today.
A few special touches.
Don't ask.
Big ass mirrors.
We're from Miami.
Had the damnedest dream last night.
I was President.
No surprise there.
Common enough dream.
But get this.
I was in my second term.
You wanna hear my dream, Andy? I do, Gil, but I'm running late.
- You ready to go? - I am.
And out of curiosity, how big was your second term win? Landslide.
83%.
Only thing, I lost the Latino vote.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, sir.
Hey, Louis, hold that cab.
Hey, buddy.
Caught you on Morning Joe this morning.
You are a meme.
This is Julie.
What's a meme? I saw something on drudge about you and a Grand Jury.
- What's that about? - Drudge? Yeah, I mean, I figured it was just gossip.
Well, I can't really talk about it.
Okay, that's cool.
But if anybody's asking these are completely bogus allegations about undue influence in an appropriations bill.
- It's a long story, but - It sounds boring too.
- So what's the take away? - It's a political lynching.
Wow, really? You're leading with the race card? Are you sure that's a good fit? - Excuse me? - You 're Mr.
accountability.
A lynching sounds so early Al Sharpton.
I mean, I'm sure people in Pennsylvania find a black Senator interesting.
But you've gotta keep it interesting like Epcot center.
Not interesting like Django, but hey, that's just me.
I've only used my Cuban American minority status on special occasions, you know, like small business loans.
But whatever works for you, amigo.
So who are you? We've already dated.
Of course.
So how have you been? Buster, come on, boy.
So, Gil, I'm thinking I might join you - on that Afghan CoDel.
- Why? Is this 'cause Colbert dry humped you on TV? No, no.
- Well - Forget about him, Louis.
It's a comedy show.
I'm sure it made you look like a good sport.
No, no, it did not make me look like a good sport.
I looked like a tethered goat.
Look, Louis, I been through this.
The time I knocked that ref on his ass with a foam finger at the Clemson game, that video fuckin' exploded, man.
On every station.
The next morning, zip, gone, over.
What? Why? Well, I caught a break.
A hurricane wiped out Carolina beach.
But that's the way it works, Louis.
The media always moves on.
Good morning, Senator.
In my office now.
Julie too.
Okay, so we didn't see the wrestling thing coming, sir.
We didn't know you'd bring it up.
He already knew, James.
He had wrestling mats ready.
He had moves ready.
Did you see how fast he got his face into my crotch? What have I always told you? No surprises.
Yes, sir.
Although surprises can humanize.
The response on your Twitter feed was Oh, God, don't say my "Twitter feed".
Who manages my Twitter feed? I do, sir.
Great, and what did I tweet last night exactly? Uh, you said, "went on Colbert.
" " He called me out so it was game on.
I rocked his jock.
" Holy crap.
You think that sounds like me? Well, it's a version of you, sir.
The playful Louis Laffer.
Right, we obviously can't match Hickock on macho optics, - so I took it in another direction.
- Making fun of of the whole manly m Sir, just trust us.
The it Out.
- You jus - Out! Like some Oreos with that, coach? Hakeem, this morning a beautiful young woman saw my nut sack.
Uh Hold up there, coach.
It was an accident, of course.
I was pissed off at the time, but, I mean, I got to thinking about it.
How often does something like that happen to an old fart like me? Legally, I mean.
Sure, it would have been better if I'd seen her.
Actually, a lot better.
But it was Liberating somehow.
I mean, my junk was out there, she saw it, but there was no wrong to it, no shame.
Very Adam and Eve.
I don't know.
It's hard to explain, but, Ramon, I felt 50 again.
Okay, let's get started, everyone.
I was just handed the internals.
It's not a pretty picture, gang.
We're down by seven now and Digger Mancusi's favorables are higher than Michelle Obama's.
Shit, Maddie, that's relevant.
Let him run against her.
It'd be so helpful if you took this as seriously as the rest of us do, Gil John.
Uh, Mrs.
Biggs, has coach Mancusi resigned me? No, but from what I hear - he could announce as early as next week.
- Well, let's see how high his numbers stay if Duke keeps dropping games.
It could look like he's jumping ship.
You know he lost four starters to graduation, right, Maddie? No, darling, I did not know that.
Mm-hmm, and that's not all.
There's serious talk of recruiting violations.
There is? What talk? Well, Hakeem and I were talking about it just yesterday and how the cover-up always makes it worse.
Seriously, that's all you've got? Well, it may be all I need if I have a correct understanding of the kind of fight we're in.
Tammy, am I comfortably to the right of all of Digger Mancusi's known positions? Um, not quite, sir, but you could be without too much trouble if you evolved on a few issues.
Good.
'Cause I'm feeling some serious evolution coming on.
How'd it go? Well, Milton treated me like a gang banger.
But I think one of the grand jurors winked at me.
Either that or she's got allergies.
Who the fuck knows? Okay, so how about a piece of good news for a change? Yeah, right.
Susan Delaney and Kim Sum Yung? Yeah, engaged June 23.
- Yeah, boom.
- You've done it again, boss.
Yeah, how many Bettencourt matches does that make? Uh, 13, sir.
And how many for Senator Schumer? 11, and he's got a bigger staff.
In ya face, Chuck.
And don't think that I have forgotten about you.
Oh, that's okay, sir.
No, no, no, I enjoy it.
It's my pleasure.
Seriously, sir, I'd rather you didn't.
Aaron, we all need to love.
Hmm? We all love love, don't we? - Sure.
- So say it.
"I love to love.
" Now say "boss, you are the master of love connections.
" You are the master of love connections.
Right on, right on, right on.
Tammy? Tammy? Where's Tammy? Uh, she went out a little while ago, Senator.
- She say where she was going? - No, sir.
Hmm.
Buster.
Find Tammy.
Go.
Find Tammy.
Well, what is it, boy? Did Timmy fall into an abandoned mine shaft? I'm going to lunch.
When Tammy and Buster get back, tell her I need to see the brief on our guard unit in Afghanistan.
I'll let her know, sir.
Wild rice bratwurst? What the hell, Louis? It's Minnesota day, sir.
Minnesota day? Great.
An entire menu honoring Al Franken.
Wait, Swedish meatballs are Minnesotan? It's a variation, sir.
They add instant coffee.
Oh, that sounds good.
I'll have that and a mac and cheese.
And a brat and a scotch and water.
- Gil John.
- What? Hi.
You got a minute? What no, Carly.
We can't talk in public.
- What are you thinking? - Don't be a baby.
I trust you've heard about Robert's problems? I'm afraid ethics is going to have to investigate.
Okay, great.
See ya.
It's immaterial whether the criminal case proceeds or not.
Our inquiry is into conduct unbecoming.
Okay, I'm gonna point at you now, Carly.
Like I'm pissed off which I actually am.
Anyway, we're gonna have to meet on this pretty soon.
Just wanted to give you a heads up.
I know you and Robert are close.
- Carly.
- Oh.
Lovely to see you, of course, but why are we reaching across the aisle in public? Robert, brush by her and sit down.
Sorry.
This is so sad.
You two are pathetic.
Okay, Carly, we're blowing you off now.
We're not even gonna say good-bye.
Right, on account of our clashing philosophical views.
Philosophical implies thinking, Robert.
You know what John Stuart Mill said? That conservative people aren't necessarily stupid, but stupid people do tend to be conservative? That was then.
Nowadays, stupid and stupid's mutant cousins, crazy and evil, are all that's left of your party.
I'll see you in committee.
Committee? Yeah, she came by to tell me Ethics is still on your case.
And who's this Mills guy? - Fucking Carly.
- What a dick.
- Lucky for me you're on committee, huh? - Yeah, that's right.
I am on the committee.
Yup.
Lucky for me, right? I might even be ranking member.
I don't know.
Never gone over there.
God.
Yeah, Andy, what's up? There's a spare key behind the shutter.
Why? Mm.
Ay, baby.
Best nooner ever.
What's that, like, its own category or something? You know it is.
Look at all your childhood bling.
What's that one on the right? The one with the little torch-y thing? 1985 Florida Regionals speech and debate first place.
I mean, I don't remember.
- I gotta take this.
- Yeah.
Hey, Benny, what's up? No, no, no.
Now's a good time.
Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
Okay, well, are they gonna close? I gotta take this.
Hey, cat.
No, no, now's good.
Who did? Why? - Benny, that's unacceptable.
- Oh, that fucker! We've been doing business with them for years.
You can tell Martina that we had a closed deal and if her goddamn cokehead husband Does McCullen know about this? Well, then fuck him too.
I'm out.
- I'm sick of these two! - This is no longer a gang of 6.
- Now it's a gang of fucking 5.
- Let them know I'm serious.
- Bye, gotta go.
- See how far that gets 'em.
- So why do you keep them? - I don't know.
I like bright, shiny things, I guess.
My weakness, you might say.
That's good to know.
You ever been to Afghanistan, son? No, coach.
Except for coming to the states, I've never been outside Lagos.
- You gonna love it there.
- I'm going to Afghanistan? I just made your day, didn't I? I gotta go on this damn CoDel next week, raise my profile for the primary.
Maddie's gonna try to stick me with Tammy, but I don't want a damn babysitter spoiling the fun parts.
There are fun parts in Afghanistan? Yeah, on the base.
You get to drive MRAPs and shit.
Play with all the toys.
The military lets you do that? Hell, yes, Hakeem.
I sit on the damn armed services committee.
I could fly a drone up Digger Mancusi's ass if I wanted.
How many is that? Nine for nine, coach.
I'm on fire.
Senator, I've got good news and Oh, don't do that, Aaron.
Okay, well, the good news is really good.
No indictment.
What? You were right.
16 justice-loving citizens, while not quite bright enough to weasel out of Grand Jury duty, knew a weak case when they heard one.
Are you saying that the whole thing just, like, went away? Well, yes, Senator, I am saying that.
Yes.
Thank you, Jesus.
Thank you, thank you, sweet Lord.
You too, Allah, Yahweh, Lord Buddha.
Who am I who am I missing? - Who am I forgetting? - Reagan.
Okay, yeah no.
I-I don't bump.
Reagan, Reagan, Reagan, Reagan.
Huge props, all you cats, huge.
- Champagne.
Huh? Champagne.
- Yeah, I No, no, no.
Liquor lobbyists came through here last week, forgot this on my desk.
Technically it's banned under Senate Ru okay.
Shh, come on, it's sampler.
Whatchu talkin' about Willis? It's a sample.
Like a drug salesman gives to a doctor.
Which brings me to the bad news.
Aaron, you can not ruin this beautiful day.
You know, the ethics committee investigation Yeah, I-I know it's still on.
Okay, there.
Huh? I laugh at your bad news.
I scoff at it.
They're starting deliberations next week on conduct unbecoming.
The talk is censure or possibly expulsion.
Fuck me with a lawn chair! Okay, so this is all a little more bipolar than I can handle, Senator.
I'm gonna go back to work now.
Lawn chair? What is it, Tammy? Where are you, sir? If I give you my coordinates, will you promise not to bother me again today? I promise, Senator.
Well, I'm walking home.
Buster needed the exercise.
Well, the reason I'm calling is to remind you that you and Senator Bettencourt are being picked up in five minutes in front of the house.
Oh, shit.
That private contractor deal.
Okay.
I'll pick up the pace.
Come on, bus.
Oh, great.
You're already late and now you gotta take a shower.
No, I don't.
Gimme five minutes.
Oh, my God, Senator.
It looks like you've been water-boarded.
Look all you want, Adriana.
No shame to it.
Excuse me, Senator, I'm just gonna I'm just gonna finish up in my car.
Anyway, they've got me going to Afghanistan now.
Congressional delegation.
Perfectly safe.
But I'll have to miss Lorna's tournament.
- Oh, you sound down, little John.
- I'm fine, just a little preoccupied.
Hasn't been a good week.
How so, sweetheart? Well, for starters it featured widespread ridicule.
Oh, the Colbert Report? Oh, come on, Louis.
Everyone loved it.
My students could talk of little else over lunch.
Louise, being the object of discussion in a high school cafeteria is never a good thing.
Trust me.
You're right, dear.
It wasn't good.
Let's boogie.
Hey, isn't that your Tammy? Jesus, she checks on everything.
I'm a grown man.
Senators, Bo Carthage at 1.
00.
Robert, Senator Biggs.
Love the Carthage security shout out at the filibuster.
Gold.
Senators, I'd like you to meet an outstanding young patriot.
This is retired Special Forces Captain Brandon Carshaw.
One of my best people.
He handles Afghanistan.
Welcome home, Captain.
How do you like being a private contractor? Do I like pulling down a 1/4 mil a year? Very much, sir.
Must make up for all the years eating scorpions and drinking your own piss.
Not just mine, sir.
It's the price of freedom.
I understand you gents are heading over - to the sandbox next week.
- Some good intel there, Bo.
Uh, gentlemen, if I might just steal the Senator for a few moments.
He's got a lot of people to thank.
And anything I can do on the security front, sir, just let me know, I'd be happy to coordinate the trip.
- Thank you, Captain.
- This way, sir.
I've got somebody that does that for me, but she's never around when you want her and always around when you don't.
Sounds like my girlfriend.
And my wife.
That's hilarious.
I gotta go, fellas.
I gotta get something to eat.
I got type "A" diabetes.
So, this is Donny Maykitt from Halliburton.
- No, no, no, no.
- He gives No, no, no.
Come on.
Donny, good to see you, good to see you.
- Tammy.
- Good evening, Senator.
Evening.
You know Aaron Stimson, don't you? My chief of staff? Yes, of course.
We've met.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Well, I'll see you two later.
So, my my boss, he does that.
Yes, I've heard.
So you don't have to, like, stand here chilling with me.
I know.
Oh.
Louis? Ah! Okay, perfect.
Okay, reception at the Mexican embassy.
This or this? The Diane Von Furstenberg.
It's iconic.
Correcto.
Gracias, Louis.
(C)Create and synch by kiberline, 2013