Am I Being Unreasonable? (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Nick. Jen.
You're great. I try.
I've lost my cat,
got a distraught son
Mum, come on.
We're going to be late again!
Well, we should celebrate.
Yes.
You know. There's vibes.
Dan, this is Jen. Jen, this is Dan.
Jen. Nice to meet you. Dan.
I've got to be really good tonight
cos it's Ollie's
birthday tomorrow morning.
Yeah. Opa! Opa!
It was like my twin flame.
What? With Not with him.
With a guy called Alex.
Did you just break up, or?
Stop the train!
Help me, please!
Oh, God.
God!
To the good times!
Why do you drink?
Why do you do it to yourself?
Why do you keep making
the same mistake, Nick?
Hmm? Hmm?
I'm stuck. I mean, what am I
supposed to do? I don't have a job.
But I don't understand.
If you're not happy with Dan,
why can't you leave now?
You opened them. Mm?
You opened them without me.
Yeah, cos you were fast asleep
and he wanted to crack on.
So, sorry.
Yeah. I mean, when you
were asleep, to be honest,
you looked like you were dead.
You were dribbling and everything.
It was horrific.
Was I? Yeah. Yeah.
It's actually quite sad.
Oh, God.
I can't believe
I had that much to drink.
Really?
Look, I was battered and I was
singing Fresh Prince, the rap,
so I've lost my voice.
Really?
Well, I didn't do it on purpose.
I've organised all of this.
I know, I know.
And Jen just kept topping me up,
and topping me up,
and topping me up,
and topping me up. Yeah.
Was it her idea to get the port?
She get that out, did she, the port?
What? That bottle of port's
from four Christmases ago, Nick,
I'm surprised you woke up.
You had a lot to chat about, then.
Where is Jen? She's gone.
Thought she was staying the night?
Yeah, but Harry couldn't sleep,
so she had to take him back.
When? Dunno. Just in the night.
Oh.
Well, did he like his camera?
Yeah, I think so. Did you?
Me, what, huh?
Do you like your camera?
I spent ages choosing that, lad.
Er, yeah.
Yeah, I mean, like, when I,
like, when I opened the
box, I was just, like,
"Pfff, whoa."
We're getting you cash as well.
Yeah, cash is nice.
Have you taken a picture with
the hat that your mum sent?
No. Well, no, cos he's in his
pyjamas. Oh, what, you
Well, she's going to be
on my case otherwise.
What else did she get you?
Duplo. Are you kidding?
Nope. Oh, my God.
That's ridiculous. Two-plus.
I mean, does she know
how old you are?
Obviously not. This is for infants.
Christ Almighty.
Right.
I'm not wearing that.
Nick? No. Yes.
You haven't said
"happy birthday" to him yet.
Yes, I have! No, you haven't.
Do I get Have I not? No.
Oh, happy birthday, mate.
Ugh! Mum!
Just stand there with that.
Quick. Please, mate. Quick. Come on.
Right, stay there.
Hang on a sec. OK.
The lighting's not right. You have
to go over here. Go over there.
No, Mum. Come on. Chop, chop,
chop, chop. I don't want to do it.
Come on, come on. You want that
money in your building society,
mate, you better earn it.
OK. Right, OK.
Smile.
Just do it nicely.
Imagine that's a load of cash.
I'm not answering that.
That's Mum.
Smile nicely. Ha! Hey!
Oh.
Ah, she's phoning me now.
Don't answer it.
Hello? Yes, Carol.
Yeah. No, he is by his phone.
He just didn't want to talk to YOU.
It was a joke, Carol.
Yes, he's here!
Here's Nanny!
Hi, Nan.
Yeah, yeah. Right, right.
I loved it.
It's just Yeah, it's
The present It's just amazing.
Yeah. I'm wearing my hat
for a picture for you and
You know that when I opened it,
I was just, like,
"Cor! It's just so good!"
Yeah.
Um.
It's, like
Oh.
Babe? I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it.
Don't be sorry for that.
That's I'm unbelievably
proud of you.
That was good. That was quite good.
That was good, weren't it? I know.
That was really great.
Don't hang up on her like that.
Oh, she's phoning again.
Pass me some of that wrapping paper.
Hiya, Carol.
No, I can't.
Can you not hear me at all?
Hey, Mum?
What? We're a bit bored.
I mean, have you tried wrapping
Denin up in some bog roll?
Yeah, we've done that.
That's page one.
I don't know, then. Do what normal
kids do - just wet toilet paper
and just throw it at the ceiling.
All right. God Oh, God
Cheers, Mum.
Ew, I saw that!
That's disgusting!
Go on, then. Lucky dip.
Gross! Shame on you!
It was that one.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, no!
Get out!
Get out now!
Oh
Nick? Is that you?
Hi, Lucy.
Are you all right in there?
It sounds very painful.
No, I'm fine!
Everyone's arrived.
OK, great!
Yeah. Um, the kids are
getting a bit restless,
so I think we should put
Ollie's film on now.
OK. Yep, yep, yep, yep.
Um, very quickly
Yeah?
Just while you're there,
I just wanted to ask your advice
on something very, very quickly.
I'm thinking about signing up
OK.
Do you think we could
talk about this later?
Oh, OK! Do you want me to ask you
when you're done? Yeah, please.
Thanks!
Okey dokey. Good luck!
Lucy, are you still there?
Go! Please, go!
Oh, God!
God!
"It's a boy!"
Nick?
Nick?
What's wrong? What's happened?
I've got to stop shopping
when I'm pissed.
Why am I like this?! Oh
Oh, just shut up. You're amazing.
You know you are.
Oh
I keep getting flashes of
something I said to you last night.
What do you mean?
I can't remember quite what it was,
but I'm just urrrrgh!
What did I say to you? Ugh
You're just.. You're just going
to absolutely drive yourself mad
I know. With all this. OK?
I know, I know.
That's why you're so messed up, OK?
Because you never talk to
anyone about it. I know!
You hold it all in all the time.
Jeez, Nick, you're just a human.
We've all done shit, OK? Oh
God I would never,
ever tell anyone about it.
You promise? I promise.
You'd never say anything? I promise,
I would never. Oh, my God
It's not your fault, Nick.
None of it was your fault.
I can't deal with this. You can,
you can, look. Come on, get up.
God, it's like a load of
rats have escaped from a lab!
They're like animals! I know!
But, you know, you asked
for this, so, come on.
Oh, God, right
that's it.
Everything hurts. I know, I know.
Oh
Oh! What?
I knew this was going to happen
What?!
So I made a call.
This is going to sort you right out.
Please say it's drugs.
Ollie! Ollie!
Oh! Really good.
His mind is, whoa.
He's very clever.
I tell you what we should do.
We should go on a girls' trip,
we should do a spa day.
Spa day! Spa day!
Girls, girls, shush.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Sh!
Girls' trip, do a spa day.
Yeah! Bath Spa!
I tell you what as well.
Why don't we go to this
brilliant Greek restaurant
where they do the
You know, the spinning round thing?
They smash the plate.
Girls' trip, Bath Spa.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah!
And leave the grumpy old
git at home.
Ready?
Three, two, one.
Boom.
Go, go!
You all right? What you doing?
Nothing.
Ugh Who's that?
Who's ringing? I don't know.
What's the time?
Everyone got picked up
from the party, didn't they?
How should I know?!
It was your party, mate.
Hey!
Hey!
It's Suze. Oh, Suze! Hey!
Hey, how you doing, buddy?
Hey. Hello, Auntie Suze.
Nice to see you! You too!
OK. So, I know I'm the absolute
worst because I missed your party,
but I have got you
the most awesome present.
Thank you. Can I
get you a drink, Suze?
Uh No, I can't stay long, sorry.
So, I know this is a bit niche,
but I had these especially made
just for you.
Wait Oh, my God!
What is it? What is it?
It's the the Remember the
stop-motion thing we saw on telly?
Yeah. It's that!
Yeah, they're Claymation figures.
They've got wires in them so you can
bend them whichever way you want.
I can't get you a glass of wine?
I can't stay, honestly. Sorry.
Actually, listen, I've been thinking
about
Alex's anniversary. Oh, yeah.
And I thought maybe we could get
a memorial seat at Old Trafford.
That's a great idea.
Yeah? OK, cool.
It's, like, a couple
thousand for the plaque.
Well, that's fine. I can chip in.
Weirdly, we were talking about
maybe putting some money
They've given me a map of
the different seats available.
Behind the bar at his favourite
pub. I don't know anything about
football, so I thought
maybe you could choose.
Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah.
Yeah? What should
I get on the plaque?
Um It's no swearing.
They're a bit weird about it, so
Yeah, I'll think of something, yeah.
Like a nickname or something?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, he had a load of them.
Yeah, that's nice. That's lovely.
Yeah.
Cool. Great.
Right, I've got to go,
I've got to go. Sorry.
I've got to go to this boring dinner
and wonder why the guy playing
opposite me is on twice
as much as I am. Yay!
Oh, God, yes. Ooh, um
Thank you!
Happy birthday. Oh
Thanks, Auntie Suze.
Oh, that's great. That's great.
I've got to go. I'm sorry.
Bye, Auntie Suze. Love you! Bye-bye.
Love you. Bye-bye, Bye-bye.
Oh, God, we must go
for that coffee, Sue.
When you used to
hang out with him,
you made me so uncomfortable.
I'm going to go to bed, I think.
OK.
Night, Mum. Night.
Who's ready to
hear the sock story?
So, as most of you
will probably know
It's 20 to three, Dan.
And what did she see?
She saw a 14-year-old
Dan furiously,
furiously giving it to
his favourite football sock.
Come to bed, Dan.
Yeah, I'm coming to bed.
In a bit, yeah.
This was just around the time
he got made captain of
the school football team.
What kind of disgusting
power trip was this?
So, I went to the
same school as Dan,
and I made it my business
to tell the entire school.
And by lunchtime, I get pulled
into the headmaster's office,
and he says to me, "Alex"
You never told me
what you actually saw. Dan!
I've got an image of it in my head,
and I just need to know
if it was better or worse.
It was quick.
That's it. That's
all you need to know.
I know I'm making this about me.
I know you loved him too. I'm sorry.
An exploration
into the groom's proudest
and funniest moments
by way of a gentle roast.
Who's that? Who's that boy?
It's a cousin, isn't it?
And that girl.
Come to bed. Come on.
I just want to understand
why you didn't
I'm not doing all of this.
Come to bed.
Everyone!
Again!
Oh, I love it!
Wow, reverse!
Really good, Ollie.
Oh, no What?
She's booked the Greek restaurant.
No! Yes!
And she's sent a gif of
a plate being smashed.
Oh, God, no! Yeah!
Oh, my God, how are we
going to get out of this?
I don't know!
Oh, God!
Oh, God, is that her?
Hello?
Oh, yes.
Yeah, speaking.
Oh, my goodness.
Yeah. Where did you find him?
Yeah, I can come now.
Where's my bloody coat?
You all right up there, boys?
What's so funny?
Oh, shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Anyone in? Nick?
Always leaving the bloody TV on.
There's an energy crisis going on!
Oh, hi. Oh, hey!
Oh, I am so sorry to keep
you waiting. Oh, that's OK.
I think someone's going
to be very happy to see you!
Oh, my God!
Oh, Mr Meowgi! Oh, my gosh!
Hello, mate!
"Hello, Mummy!"
Aw, Ollie's going to be so relieved.
He's been good as gold.
Oh Mm-hm.
He's lost a bit of weight.
Yeah, he was very, very
hungry when he came in.
Very hungry.
Watch out for his claws!
God, you nasty CAT MEOWS
That's it, fella.
I'm just going to get
you to go in here.
That's it.
Careful of the tail! Yes!
Just put your arse in.
Thank you.
Bye-bye! Bye-bye!
All right
Found Mr Meowgi! Mum
Ollie! Mum.
What's happened?
Do you want to tell her, or shall I?
Do you want to?
These two have just spent
45 minutes tormenting me.
What have you done?
Well, it was my idea
to use the Fart Blaster.
Sorry, what's a Fart Blaster?
That.
That is a Fart Blaster.
What did you do in this?
It was my idea to
use the surround sound.
Can you imagine what that
is like?
365 degrees, just everywhere.
I'm so sorry.
I can't imagine No.
Would you boys
like to say sorry to Viv?
I'm sorry we scared you.
Um, well
We were just having a laugh.
That's not an apology, is it?
No. Mm-hm.
What do you say?
Sorry, Viv.
Because what must have
that been like for you?
That was absolutely
It was one of the worst
experiences of my life.
It was traumatising.
Yeah.
OK, I don't want to be too
vulnerable in front of the children.
I know. I'm so sorry.
No cleaning's been done,
so I'm sorry about that.
Do you know what? I don't blame you.
Imagine you in that situation. I'd
be just as terrified as you were.
Could you do cleaning with
THAT in your whole system?
Are you going to be all right
to drive? Well, I don't know.
Would you be?
Well, I mean, it was
sort of only farts.
All right, I guess
I'll go, then, shall I?
To you, it was only farts.
It was a lot more than that to me.
Though
I tell you what, though,
I would not wish that on anyone.
Not even Katie Hopkins.
So, anyway, hi, Ollie, I'm home!
Ta-da! Who's that?
What do you mean, who is it?
It's Mr Meowgi.
Wow.
All right, come on, Harry.
Ollie! Ollie!
Yeah?
Thank you, Mother!
It's It's cool.
Come on, Harry, let's go to
the shed, it's boring in here.
Sorry, mate.
I'm glad you're home, even if
Ollie couldn't give a shit.
You all right, mate?
Where have you been?
Sorry, just been on
the phone to my mum.
Had to hang up, like, eight times.
She just wouldn't shut up.
Found the cat. Oh, nice!
Ollie wasn't bothered.
He wasn't? No, not at all.
Where've they gone? They've gone
out to the shed, have they? Yeah.
What's What's this doing out?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe the kids got it out.
Who put this on?
Nice, I don't know
Who put it on?!
I don't know. Are you OK?
What's wrong?
That's him.
Who's him?
That's him?
Oh, mate
So hello.
This is the recipes.
For those of you who
don't know me, I am Alex.
I am Dan's younger,
better looking brother.
Right, Nick?
Oh, fuck.
Yikes.
But you can roll it in glitter
and, ladies and gentlemen,
isn't my brother sparkling today?
Give him a round of applause.
God, he hated that tie.
You know, I've never been able to
watch this all the way through.
Why not?
Cos it all fucking started
on my wedding day.
Trod dog shit all into the carpets
on the first day
he had his first car.
Stop! It's so fun! Stop it!
Oh, for God's sake. Oh
The suits are good.
Oh, you think?
Yeah, I'm surprised.
What do you mean, you're surprised?
Suits never fit me,
especially when they're hired.
Moss Bros!
Yeah, it looks good on the botty.
Yeah, it does.
Still enough space to
cut the rug later.
Don't! For God's sake!
Just had a champagne with Mum.
Oh, no
She went to the general
manager of the hotel
Right, right.
To specifically ask Yeah?
That no-one disturb her
while she practises the song.
Oh, God Oh
She's insane. Ugh!
Um Are you all right?
Are you OK? Yeah.
Oh, God. Don't, you're
scaring me! What is it?
If I don't say, I'm never
going to say it. Um
I just wanted to say that
I think you're amazing
and I think I'm in love with you.
Babe, I'm so sorry!
I couldn't find anywhere to park.
There were no spaces at all,
so I had to go and park
in the bloody golf club
and lug all of this
stuff from over there.
Oh Can you imagine?
No. What a blooming nightmare.
I mean, how can a place
like this, of this scale,
have such a small bloody car park?
I have no idea.
Make it make sense.
Can we make it make sense,
please?! No, I don't
Oh, gosh. The day!
My boyfriend was up all
night, yeah? Yeah?
My boyfriend was up all night
being sick. Oh
Well, from every angle, really -
from the front and the back.
Because I gave him a fish pie
that I made on Monday on Saturday.
Because this bitch, he saw
me in my new Givenchy coat,
and he said to me that I look like
a character out of the Muppets.
Oh That's
That coat is beautiful. Yeah?
Very beautiful.
And I know, I know I shouldn't have
given him that fish pie,
but he hurt me. And when that fool
used to walk around town dressing
like he was in the Peaky Blinders,
did I say anything? No.
No, I didn't, because I knew
it would destroy him. Yeah.
Anyway, anyway, are we, are we,
are we excited about today?
Yes! Sorry! This is Alex.
Alex.
Jesus. Alex, this is Jesus.
Lovely to meet you, Alex.
Sorry, Jesus? Jesus, yes.
Um, babe, could you get me
a coffee, by any chance?
Yes, Jesus. Um
How do you take it?
Cappuccino, please. No sugar.
Um.. It's a hotel, so there's
only instant in the rooms.
Don't they do cappuccinos
at the bar downstairs?
Yeah. Mm-hm? Brilliant.
Thank you very much.
Do you want the
chocolate dust on the top?
Everything, please.
Give me it all.
OK, he's a little bit sexy.
Mm-hm. I would like a
bit of that, please.
Yeah? Oh, I like him a lot.
I'm very happy for you,
you're in a good place.
But isn't it bad luck to see
the groom before you get married?
Sorry, he's not the groom.
Absolutely not the groom.
Right Sorry, he's not.
Um Has anything changed
since the consultation?
You're still happy with?
I was just wondering, possibly,
if I could have sort of shorter
lashes, if that was possible?
No. No? No, babe,
I really wouldn't know.
No, you need to trust me. Shorter
lashes do not photograph well.
OK. Could we go a bit neutral
on the lips, possibly?
No, I don't think so.
No? OK. Yep. Stick with the plan.
All right, let me get
started with your base.
I'm sorry, but your
flower girl is a prick. Oh, I know.
I know she's only six but, my God,
she's a massive prick! I know!
And guess who organised
that one! Wonderful Carol.
Please don't make
me go back out there.
No, no, no, don't go back out there.
Carol, made me, forced me,
by the way, to have her. Ugh!
Have you seen
your mother-in-law yet?
Oh, God, no.
She's a piece of work too!
If I started stabbing her,
I would just never stop stabbing.
God, it's like she can't handle that
you'll be, like, the centre
of attention today.
She can't handle anybody
being the centre of attention.
And she tried to
palm Ollie off to me.
Hi, Carol!
Oh, Suzie! There you are!
Hi, Carol!
You couldn't just take him for
a couple of seconds, could you?
I'm sorry, I can't.
Nicola? Yeah?
Please could you take
him for a minute?
Oh, just
I've still got to get ready.
I'm just getting
ready for my wedding.
But he just wants you.
He's just a bit tired, Carol.
Are you still all right to do me
afterwards? Yeah, we're good.
Am I paying for that? No.
No, I know, you just want
your mummy, don't you?
Hey, cappuccino.
Oh, we are here!
Thank you, baby!
Are you good?
Hey, what's wrong, big man?
Why are you crying?
Oh, he just wants his mummy!
Why are you crying?
Silly Nana.
Mummy's getting married.
Oh Come on. Come on, mate.
Let's go check the United score.
Say, "Bye, Mummy. Love you.
Love you lots."
Thank you.
You're not going to be
much longer, are you?
No Mum, give Nic
some space, yeah?
All right!
Yeah. Come on.
I got you, I got you.
Did you notice that?
What? Alex.
What about Alex?
He's pulling away
from me.
Really? Yes,
I can feel it.
He's giving me that vibe,
like, the last couple of weeks.
Really? Yes! No You
know when you just know?
Oh, my God, no, no,
no, no. Yes!
I didn't see your man.
What's he like? Tell me about him.
He's Uh, Dan?
Um He's very reliable
and sort of Fantastic.
Like an A4 envelope, I suppose.
Cos you've got a lot of sauce,
I thought you need someone
that's going to be
quite sturdy in that way.
I saw him earlier and
he was grinning from ear to ear.
Really? Yeah. He looked
like a right dickhead.
Dan, you always did well at school.
You were brilliant at football.
You took over the business from Dad
and you've absolutely
smashed that as well.
You excel at everything
you put your mind to, Dan.
And, of course, as
your little brother,
I did get jealous
every now and then.
And then Dan met Nick and I thought,
"Holy shit, he's done it.
"He's found the one."
He's found a unicorn,
a woman so funny she can
make you cry with laughter.
So witty and smart she
can tie us all in knots.
So beautiful - and I'm
sure you'll all agree -
that today she took
all of our breath away.
And you will never
find a better mother.
That's a round of applause, guys.
That's your cue for the
round of applause.
But most importantly, she is
really good at telling Dan
when he's being a massive bellend.
Dan, I love you.
Nick, I love you.