Amandaland (2025) s01e02 Episode Script
Car Boot
1
If you want to create
a space like this,
this is my advice - be
intentional, and be more with less.
You know, guys, it's funny.
I have this thing I say,
why spend money on material things
when space and light is free?
Georgie! Focus, please.
AMANDA SIGHS
There's something missing.
A flatscreen TV? And
something to sit on?
I need an "objet" that speaks
to the sincerity of the space.
Hi, Mal.
Ah, come for your post,
have you? Well, I
Just to clarify,
I'm 34. You're 34A.
This makes no sense,
I have the front door.
I should be 34 and
you should be 34B.
Either way, can you just
use the right address
so I don't get all
of your deliveries
for perimenopausal
skin supplements?
They're for my
mother, thank you.
Er, Mal, this is actually
a professional call.
You're a landscape person.
Where would I find a branch?
Have you tried a tree?
Oh!
No, Mal, you're grand.
Anne, um, down a bit.
Mm. Yeah, up a bit.
No, down, down a bit.
So, Della, I heard a rumour that
you are doing the car boot BBQ.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
My wife kindly
volunteered my services.
Because, you know, after a hard
week of frying meat in a restaurant,
you really want to fry
meat in a car park.
Well, all I might ask is that
you don't make anyone sick,
like they were at a certain
teenage rampage at your house.
Do you want me to raise funds
for your new bog or what, Anne?
It's not my new bog.
It's actually a macerator
for the clubhouse toilets.
What, our trusty rusty coat
hanger's finally given out, then?
Yeah, I'm afraid so.
It got a real hammering at the
crown bowls disco last weekend.
AMANDA: Hi, all! Hi, hello.
How are ya? This is Felicity.
Oh, you brought your mammy! Yes!
If I'd have known, I'd
have brought my mammy. Aw.
And we could have had a Bring
Your Mammy To The Park day.
Right. Er, this is Fi and
this is Della, of Shin fame.
Sinn Fein? Fame.
Shin fame, Mummy.
Famous for her restaurant, Shin.
BOTH: Fashion?
Stylist. Model.
You've still got it, babe.
And are you a big fan of
the football, Felicity?
Oh, God, no. No, I'm here
for my sportybob, Georgie.
And the shorts.
Sorry, Mal, Mummy's never
head of the Me Too movement.
I have, thanks. We used
to call it flirting.
Hey, Brat Gurl Summer.
Look at you! Very cute.
Very demure. Kill me.
You smell very lush.
Is that, um, Tom Ford?
Nah. It's just me.
Um, you checking
out your socials?
You should follow me. Look
up "Senuous." Sensuous?
Sen-u-ous.
That's it! Yeah! Is
that even a word?
Well, it means sumptuous luxury,
also very lithe. Very supple.
I had to create a
word to capture me.
I'm very hard to describe.
Tall, blonde, posh.
That's very reductive, Mal.
Anyway, my mantra is
minimal, natural, simple.
I'm actually reclaiming
the word "simpleton."
Oh, well, if anyone can.
You should follow me, Della.
It's a public account, so, yeah.
I'll give you a
follow. Um yeah.
Yeah, sure. I had to set up an
account to keep eyes on Darius.
At the moment it's all Fortnite and
Gladiators and, er, UK trap drills.
What about his Finsta?
What about his
what-sta? "Fake Insta."
It's where the kids
put all the stuff
they don't want
the olds to read.
Darius doesn't
have one of those.
According to
Mumsnet, they all do.
Don't go there, Anne.
It's a can of worms.
Anyway, er, Senuous is
really gaining traction.
I've actually just
been approached
to do a piece on minimal
living by a magazine.
You might have heard of it,
Della. SoHaHighLife? No.
Ah, the free estate
agent's mag? Yes!
Yeah. We use it for
Morten's rabbit hutch.
Yeah, it's gratis, but
it's very aspirational.
For rabbits.
So there is a photographer
coming on Monday.
Yeah, just some informal
shots of me and my crib.
Next stop, Living Etc, probably.
THEY CHUCKLE I don't know.
If you have any bric-a-brac
that you want to off-load for
the car-boot sale tomorrow?
I mean, maybe like a single
candle or something, Anne.
What about all the stuff
you dumped in my garage
when Johnny stopped
paying for your storage?
Hardly bric-a-brac, Mummy,
like, a couple of curated
items from my style archive.
Does SoHaHighLife know
you're a secret hoarder?
We're going to
need a bigger boot.
Anne, focus. Mal needs a hand.
Oh, sorry.
Look, Amanda, I found
your high horse!
Very amusing, Mal.
This was actually the focal
point of my old extension.
Can I keep this here, Mummy?
No, darling, I'm converting
this into a home sauna.
I haven't got space
for it elsewhere.
You have four bedrooms and two
receptions and a conservatory.
It's not my fault I got to
keep the house in my divorce.
Yes, I am single.
Don't worry, she has a
carer to keep her company.
She was not a carer,
she was my PA.
I had to let her go when I found her
wrist deep in my Creme De La Mer.
This is great, actually.
It's really good, yeah.
No, I'm so ready to streamline
all these investment pieces.
AMANDA EXHALES DEEPLY
Hello, Anne? Could you
doomscroll on your own time?
OK, it's just that the
way to find a kid's Finsta
is through his Rinsta followers.
And I've just noticed that Darius
is being followed by Pierce Brosnan!
Oh!
Actually, no, sorry. It's,
um, Percy Bronsan. Right.
He's my uncle and he's
a GP in Kildare. OK.
Did you used to live
in a stately home?
Mal, no! Don't be silly.
No, this was my last-minute mirror
for touch-ups by the front door.
MAL GROANS
Right, what about you,
Felicity? You carbooting?
Do you want to stick
anything in the van?
Sadly, no, I've got to say goodbye
to my darling friend Bunny tomorrow.
Oh, nice. Where's she off to?
The afterlife, if
there is such a thing.
Actually, Bunny was an atheist,
so probably not for her.
Shit. Sorry. Who's Bunny?
We modelled together
in the '80s. Aw.
She had an incredible right leg
and my left was a standout,
so we often got booked
together for hosiery shoots.
Oh, sweet! Yes.
Anyway, dead now.
Does Amanda actually make any
money from this Senuous stuff?
Oh, God, no.
Her ex, Johnny, he covers the
mortgage and the child support.
And her aunt died a couple of
years ago and left her a bit,
but she's probably come
to the end of that now
Oh! What?
I've just found
it! Darius' Finsta!
Ha! It wasn't even that
difficult. ENGINE STARTS
HOLY CHRIST! ENGINE STALLS
What?!
It says he's in a relationship!
What does that mean?
Darius has a girlfriend.
Or boyfriend.
Who is she? I mean, it doesn't
say. How do I find her?
Or him. I've just
run out of juice.
Get me a cable. Don't just
sit there, Mal, I need juice!
All right, calm down!
Here, breathe into this.
SHE PANTS
I told you not to go there.
I've just inhaled a crisp crumb.
SHE COUGHS Sorry, oh!
ENGINE STARTS
SHE COUGHS
Ah, look at those, uh
..grassy basket
things you've made.
They're fantastic.
Shall I hang some
around your table?
Yep, but I wouldn't want them
to catch on fire, you see.
I'll be over there,
setting up. Yeah, go.
Looking good, babes.
Yep. Bring her in.
Bring her in.
Yep, Keep going.
Bring her in.
Whoa! OK, yeah.
You're grand there.
THEY LAUGH
Mal!
Still no obvious signs
of arousal or flirtation.
And a top of the morning
to you too, Anne.
I've been watching
Darius like a hawk
and I'm still none the wiser
about his secret girlfriend.
Or boyfriend. Do you know
who he's getting with, Ned?
Is it a girl at school?
Who's he shifting? Anne!
What? It only means
kissing with tongues.
Ugh!
Where shall I park, Anne,
please? Oh, right, yeah, uh
..just, uh, follow the cones
all the way down to the end
and the Under-12s'
goalie will find a space.
Hey, Amanda! Just
follow the cones down
and the Under-12s' goalie
will show you the way.
Amanda! Amanda.
Amanda!
Della, hi! Is this spot free?
No, that's the fire
break. OK, thanks.
Hi, Amanda. I'm
sorry Hi, Anne!
I'm sorry, that's not a spot.
I'll have to put you in the
overspill. No, here's great.
AMANDA COUGHS
Fi! Hiya, Mands.
Hey, kids!
Um, your parasol is
encroaching on the walkway.
Is it, though? It's a trip
hazard, and that is a naked flame.
And this whole scenario is
like the opening sequence
of an episode of Casualty.
Happy?
I'm going to check
out the stalls. OK.
Oh, Manus, nothing that won't fit
in a drawer or the bin, please!
HE WHISTLES Amanda!
Come and get your stuff!
Yeah, bring it over!
I said, come and get it!
YES! BRING IT OVER!
You getting rid
of all your crap?
I wouldn't call it crap.
But, um, yeah, as it says on my
profile, I don't amass, I eschew.
Bless you. SHE CHUCKLES
You know, I Stacey
Solomoned my basement. Oh!
I need to make room
for my new workshop.
You know, I really believe that
there is money to be made in this.
Here, for you. Ah!
Is it kindling? No.
I did a wicker weaving workshop.
Ah. I can't stop.
You've got to get into basketry,
babe. It's like pure mindfulness.
And you get a rattan
coaster at the end. Wow.
Thanks, Fi. You're
welcome. I'm sorry!
Sorry, sorry, I've not
arranged everything yet.
Could you just not touch the
I'm looking for a
hoover. Have you got one?
Do I look like I sell hoovers?
I don't think so, no.
What's this? A candle snuffer.
To snuff out candles at
the end of a dinner party.
20p? Please, move on.
We haven't even
officially opened.
SHE COUGHS
I literally owned it, then!
THEY LAUGH
Ooh! Is this a scythe?
Um, no.
God, man, you really
know your tools.
Here, I did a coffee run.
Thought you could do with a
caffeine injection. Oh, thanks, JJ.
You got a good spot? Oh, yeah.
Got here at 6am.
Had the whole car park to
myself for an hour and a half.
You would not believe how
many seagulls there are
at that time in the morning.
And this is London!
Yeah, black-headed,
not herring, but still.
How are you, JJ? Hey, Anne.
Ready to raise some
serious masticator money.
Abs has had me emptying
out the loft all week.
Oh! Are you extending up?
JJ's building me a mini gym.
Yeah, but I'll
probably eff it up!
I'm not good with my
hands, not like your dad.
Oh, yeah, you be careful.
My cousin Gerard, he fell off the
roof when he was doing our loft.
Yeah. Landed on the barbecue,
got a shashlik skewer
right through the thigh.
Missed his testicle
by a whisker.
I would recommend him
for your loft but, um,
he has flashbacks every
time he sees a ladder.
And also, he's just
moved to Canada.
Oh. Yes
AMANDA GRUNTS
Oh, come for your
high horse, Amanda?
Yes, you've done that joke, Mal.
Anne, could you give
me a hand, please?
Yeah, yeah, I'd love to.
It's just, I do need to
keep eyes on Darius, though.
Anne, leave him be! He'll
tell you when he's ready.
I told my mammy
everything. Yeah?
First period, first shift,
the time I thought I broke
my hymen on a see-saw.
If I asked Mummy
anything personal,
she just steered me to the Just
Seventeen problem page. Oh.
That's kind of sad, Amanda.
Yes, that's a bolster.
Isn't it lovely?
It matched the blinds in
my second spare bedroom.
It's, uh, silk from a kimono.
Would you take 50p? No.
Um, I was thinking more
in the region of £85.
Mummy?
What are you doing here?
Oh. I decided I needed
a clear-out after all.
How was the funeral?
It was a riot, Amanda.
No, it was bloody depressing.
I got away as soon as I could.
Just a lot of old people crying.
Oh, Mummy. Is this
still drinkable?
Oh, I wouldn't, Mum. It's
probably been in there a while.
Who's the biftek hache on bao?
Here. Yep, thank you.
Got any ketchup?
Your parasol has crept into
the thoroughfare again, Della.
Does it matter? Well, if
everyone took an extra inch,
what do you think would happen?
Nothing, Anne.
Nothing would happen.
Is there nowhere else
you can stick it?
Oh, no, there is.
PHONE CHIMES
You're fecking kidding me!
JJ HUMS TUNE
Oh, wow!
Having a good boot, Manus? Yep.
I got some loafers for
school, a burner phone.
Ooh, and
..an Eiffel Tower
snow globe for Gangan.
Ah, nice!
I used to have one
just like this.
Exactly like this, actually.
I got it off Ned's dad.
I'm Ned's dad. Oh.
Um his other dad?
THEY LAUGH
Payback. For the coffee.
Thanks, mate.
So, um, I found a
working Acorn computer,
but Abs says I'm under
strict instructions
not to bring anything home.
I think that's a brandy bottle.
Limoncello.
Oh, yeah.
That was in our hallway.
Abs wants to put up a
photo wall of the kids.
There should be a hat for this.
Oh, is that what this is?
A tiny camel hat.
You know, have it.
You know what? Take
anything you like.
We're just trying to
reclaim some loft space.
Yeah, well, think of
the space you'll save
when you get rid of this. Yeah.
Oh, Mal!
Mal. Mal, wait!
Can you open your van, because
I need to put this back in?
Do I have to lug all
your old shit home again?
Not sure there's any need to
be quite so micro-aggressive.
OK.
It's Morten Fry! What?
Why does it have to
be Fi and Della's kid?
That pair of booze pushers, they
practically alcohol-poisoned Darius
and now he's going steady
with their daughter!
Honestly, I think you
should be relieved, Anne.
I mean, at least
he's not an incel.
Can you do this? I've done a
lot of lifting today. Yeah.
Darius, he needs boundaries.
He's so suggestible.
I mean, they'll have
him ballooning crack
before he's even sat his GCSEs.
Anne, those gals are
just loosey-goosey,
that is the way they roll.
Don't be so uptight. Watch
the corners, it's an antique!
Can you lock up? Yeah.
PHONE CHIMES
Amanda, darling, can you
pass me that decanter?
I need a top-up.
Yeah, I mean, you have
the baldies and the alkies
and the fatty gammons,
that makes sense,
but slim women with
great legs, no!
This death thing is
out of control, Fi.
They're coming for
the models now.
Honestly, babe. You've
got to get into wicker.
Since I started this fruit bowl, I
haven't thought about death once.
Well, it's all I
can think about now.
I'm next on the list, I know it.
Can we please stop talking
about death, Mummy?
Yeah, let's talk about life!
I bet your mate Bunny
had a brilliant life.
What was she like? Hmm.
She was great fun, actually.
A real fixture of the scene.
I last worked with her
in '98 on a Scholl shoot.
I never understood
why she gave up.
She had a good eight years
of modelling left in her.
Ten with a decent Factor 50.
But, no, she jacked it all in
and opened a big cat sanctuary.
Oh, she had lions?
No, normal, small cats.
A big small cat sanctuary.
Oh.
Oh. That's lovely.
Gosh, you've got great taste.
Thank you.
You should follow me on the
socials. My handle's Senuous.
Sensuous?
Senuous. S-E-N-U-O-U-S.
Oh, are you an influencer?
I see myself as more of
a visual storyteller.
They're actually doing a feature
on me in SoHaHighLife next month.
Wow! A pretty big deal.
Yeah. Oh!
Love this guy. Isn't it great?
What a lot of fun.
Oh. So good, isn't it?
God, he'd look great in the
corner of my kids' bedroom.
No, it wouldn't. Um,
this is a focal piece.
You don't put horsey in the corner,
you would build a room around him.
Oh. Yeah. All right.
What would you let him go for?
Ooh Go on.
£125. Oh, OK.
Or maybe Sorry, more
probably like £500.
Please don't finger my pouffe.
Yeah, I'll have
a think about it.
Uh, Mummy, would you
keep an eye on my stuff?
And if anyone wants to buy anything,
just tell them I'll be back in a mo.
OK. You know, I'm with Bunny.
I couldn't wait to
get out of fashion.
I mean, I don't regret it,
I loved all the free shit,
but once we'd had Morten,
don't know, just didn't
have the appetite for it.
There's more to life than
clothes and after-parties.
Yeah. Is there, though?
Hi. Where's the tall, blonde
posh woman that was here?
Oh, she'll be back in a jiffy.
I was hoping to buy the horse.
Oh, God, no, go for it.
Um, what shall we say, uh, 20?
20? Seriously?
All right, um, 15.
Great!
There you go.
Lovely!
SHE GRUNTS
Ah!
I never did like that horse.
Always felt it was
looking down on me.
What's her problem?
She hates the Irish.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Mummy,
where's my high horse - my
horse horse my horse?
Well, somebody bought it.
I thought you'd be pleased,
now you're a minimalist.
What?
Who took it?
Mummy, which way did they go?
No, Darius just isn't ready,
I mean, he's only just learnt
to clip his own toenails.
Morten is going
to eat him alive!
It's fine, Anne. They'll go
out and then they'll break up
and all the keepsakes that they
collected when they were together
will end up being sold to
some stranger for a quid.
Oh, Mal, what's wrong?
Abs is Marie Kondoing
me out of her history.
That poster of the bus route
between Abs' old flat and mine.
The limoncello bottle we drank
the night I proposed to her.
This stupid money box we bought
to save up for our honeymoon,
Abs kept raiding it to buy weed.
Mal, are you still in
love with your ex-wife?
Are you mental?
Have you met her?
Do you know she has
an Uber rating of 3.6?
That's a red flag.
How much for the loppers? Um
You know what, mate? Just take
'em. I don't care any more.
Guys, have you seen my horse?
No. No.
AMANDA SIGHS
Oh, my God.
Hey!
Hey, excuse me. I'm
sorry, that's my horse.
My horse isn't for
sale. Oh! Sorry!
No, but I've actually just
bought it off your sister, so
That's my mother and she
made a mistake. I'm sorry!
Oh, bless her! But I have paid
good money for this now, so
Oh, you can absolutely
have your money back
but, please, this really
means a lot to me.
It was actually the focal point
of my old extension. Oh, sweet!
Yeah, yeah, it was, actually.
Thank you! But it's mine now.
Oh, thanks for understanding.
So if you could just get off!
You get off! Get off!
GET OFF MY HIGH HORSE!
Get off!
CAMERA SHUTTER
CLICKS Delete that!
Delete that.
SHE PANTS
I'm sorry, it's only bog roll.
I can't use that.
Give me your sleeve.
OK. You've much nicer things
than that wooden pony, Amanda.
You don't get it, Anne. You're
not a style obsessive like me.
You probably couldn't name,
like, a single interior designer.
Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen.
Exactly. Well, there's a reason
that horse was in storage for
the last three years. Yeah.
Because my ceilings
aren't high enough.
No, it's because that horse
belongs to the old Amanda.
I just don't know if I'm ready to
give up on Regency proportions.
I miss Chiswick, Anne!
Yeah, but Chiswick
doesn't deserve you.
You're the queen of SoHa now.
You're a big fish in a
..in an up-and-coming pond.
Yeah, you're the
new Amanda. Yeah.
So much bolder,
brighter, braver.
I couldn't do what you're
doing, reinventing yourself.
Yeah.
AMANDA BREATHES DEEPLY
Thanks for saying that.
You're like Madonna.
Not Madonna, Anne.
She's, like, 70.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry.
What?
ANNE GASPS
Darius!
Oh, my God.
Darius is shifting
Georgie! Oh, my God.
Oh, thank Christ
he's not with Morten!
Oh, Amanda. This is
the best thing ever!
We're practically
like in-laws now!
Yay! Aw, look. Tears of joy.
AMANDA SNIFFLES
Yo, flogged all your hoes?
Um, done all right.
People love an old tool.
Takes one to know
one. JJ CHUCKLES
No, but seriously.
Listen, this is for you.
Anne told me you were
a bit, like, cut up.
So I thought I should repatriate
these to their rightful owner.
Right. Yeah. It's really
not that big of a deal.
I get it, I do.
Abs is an amazing woman.
And after everything
that happened
I'm not quite sure what you
I just want you to know I feel
sick to my stomach about it, Mal.
No, I do, because I have
to live with the fact
that I stole another man's wife!
No, but you didn't. You
don't have to say that.
We'd been divorced for two
years before you guys even met.
Oh, will you stop
being the nice guy?
I don't deserve you.
If I could be one tenth
of the man you are.
You even give amazing hugs.
I should move my car.
But, seriously,
though thanks.
Ned! What?
That's my stuff.
Oh!
My bad. I thought
this was a bin.
HE SIGHS
Did you get your big
horse back, darling? No.
I decided to let it go. Move on.
Mal's taken the rest of my
stuff to the charity shop.
I'm fully embracing my
simpleton lifestyle.
Turn that page. Start anew.
Yeah. Leave the past behind.
My old friend Bunny
would approve.
Oh, Mummy.
But she had a great life, right?
Yeah, well, you know.
She died alone in a tiny
flat, surrounded by cats.
I told you, it was a
very depressing funeral.
But you do you, darling.
Who burnt this basket?
Oh, God.
Dels, babe.
I think I've found my calling!
Oh. I just bought it off
that bloke for a fiver!
Yep. Lovely.
Yeah! Great. I'm just going to chuck
in the back of the car, actually.
Sorry!
So, have you worked for
SoHaHighLife for long?
I'm, er, freelance.
Oh, cool.
Oh, just tuck
that Oh, behind?
Yeah.
AMANDA LAUGHS
Sorry, do you think I
could get a glass of water?
Of course, of
course. Absolutely.
I love your minimal style!
Thank you.
If you want to create
a space like this,
this is my advice - be
intentional, and be more with less.
You know, guys, it's funny.
I have this thing I say,
why spend money on material things
when space and light is free?
Georgie! Focus, please.
AMANDA SIGHS
There's something missing.
A flatscreen TV? And
something to sit on?
I need an "objet" that speaks
to the sincerity of the space.
Hi, Mal.
Ah, come for your post,
have you? Well, I
Just to clarify,
I'm 34. You're 34A.
This makes no sense,
I have the front door.
I should be 34 and
you should be 34B.
Either way, can you just
use the right address
so I don't get all
of your deliveries
for perimenopausal
skin supplements?
They're for my
mother, thank you.
Er, Mal, this is actually
a professional call.
You're a landscape person.
Where would I find a branch?
Have you tried a tree?
Oh!
No, Mal, you're grand.
Anne, um, down a bit.
Mm. Yeah, up a bit.
No, down, down a bit.
So, Della, I heard a rumour that
you are doing the car boot BBQ.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
My wife kindly
volunteered my services.
Because, you know, after a hard
week of frying meat in a restaurant,
you really want to fry
meat in a car park.
Well, all I might ask is that
you don't make anyone sick,
like they were at a certain
teenage rampage at your house.
Do you want me to raise funds
for your new bog or what, Anne?
It's not my new bog.
It's actually a macerator
for the clubhouse toilets.
What, our trusty rusty coat
hanger's finally given out, then?
Yeah, I'm afraid so.
It got a real hammering at the
crown bowls disco last weekend.
AMANDA: Hi, all! Hi, hello.
How are ya? This is Felicity.
Oh, you brought your mammy! Yes!
If I'd have known, I'd
have brought my mammy. Aw.
And we could have had a Bring
Your Mammy To The Park day.
Right. Er, this is Fi and
this is Della, of Shin fame.
Sinn Fein? Fame.
Shin fame, Mummy.
Famous for her restaurant, Shin.
BOTH: Fashion?
Stylist. Model.
You've still got it, babe.
And are you a big fan of
the football, Felicity?
Oh, God, no. No, I'm here
for my sportybob, Georgie.
And the shorts.
Sorry, Mal, Mummy's never
head of the Me Too movement.
I have, thanks. We used
to call it flirting.
Hey, Brat Gurl Summer.
Look at you! Very cute.
Very demure. Kill me.
You smell very lush.
Is that, um, Tom Ford?
Nah. It's just me.
Um, you checking
out your socials?
You should follow me. Look
up "Senuous." Sensuous?
Sen-u-ous.
That's it! Yeah! Is
that even a word?
Well, it means sumptuous luxury,
also very lithe. Very supple.
I had to create a
word to capture me.
I'm very hard to describe.
Tall, blonde, posh.
That's very reductive, Mal.
Anyway, my mantra is
minimal, natural, simple.
I'm actually reclaiming
the word "simpleton."
Oh, well, if anyone can.
You should follow me, Della.
It's a public account, so, yeah.
I'll give you a
follow. Um yeah.
Yeah, sure. I had to set up an
account to keep eyes on Darius.
At the moment it's all Fortnite and
Gladiators and, er, UK trap drills.
What about his Finsta?
What about his
what-sta? "Fake Insta."
It's where the kids
put all the stuff
they don't want
the olds to read.
Darius doesn't
have one of those.
According to
Mumsnet, they all do.
Don't go there, Anne.
It's a can of worms.
Anyway, er, Senuous is
really gaining traction.
I've actually just
been approached
to do a piece on minimal
living by a magazine.
You might have heard of it,
Della. SoHaHighLife? No.
Ah, the free estate
agent's mag? Yes!
Yeah. We use it for
Morten's rabbit hutch.
Yeah, it's gratis, but
it's very aspirational.
For rabbits.
So there is a photographer
coming on Monday.
Yeah, just some informal
shots of me and my crib.
Next stop, Living Etc, probably.
THEY CHUCKLE I don't know.
If you have any bric-a-brac
that you want to off-load for
the car-boot sale tomorrow?
I mean, maybe like a single
candle or something, Anne.
What about all the stuff
you dumped in my garage
when Johnny stopped
paying for your storage?
Hardly bric-a-brac, Mummy,
like, a couple of curated
items from my style archive.
Does SoHaHighLife know
you're a secret hoarder?
We're going to
need a bigger boot.
Anne, focus. Mal needs a hand.
Oh, sorry.
Look, Amanda, I found
your high horse!
Very amusing, Mal.
This was actually the focal
point of my old extension.
Can I keep this here, Mummy?
No, darling, I'm converting
this into a home sauna.
I haven't got space
for it elsewhere.
You have four bedrooms and two
receptions and a conservatory.
It's not my fault I got to
keep the house in my divorce.
Yes, I am single.
Don't worry, she has a
carer to keep her company.
She was not a carer,
she was my PA.
I had to let her go when I found her
wrist deep in my Creme De La Mer.
This is great, actually.
It's really good, yeah.
No, I'm so ready to streamline
all these investment pieces.
AMANDA EXHALES DEEPLY
Hello, Anne? Could you
doomscroll on your own time?
OK, it's just that the
way to find a kid's Finsta
is through his Rinsta followers.
And I've just noticed that Darius
is being followed by Pierce Brosnan!
Oh!
Actually, no, sorry. It's,
um, Percy Bronsan. Right.
He's my uncle and he's
a GP in Kildare. OK.
Did you used to live
in a stately home?
Mal, no! Don't be silly.
No, this was my last-minute mirror
for touch-ups by the front door.
MAL GROANS
Right, what about you,
Felicity? You carbooting?
Do you want to stick
anything in the van?
Sadly, no, I've got to say goodbye
to my darling friend Bunny tomorrow.
Oh, nice. Where's she off to?
The afterlife, if
there is such a thing.
Actually, Bunny was an atheist,
so probably not for her.
Shit. Sorry. Who's Bunny?
We modelled together
in the '80s. Aw.
She had an incredible right leg
and my left was a standout,
so we often got booked
together for hosiery shoots.
Oh, sweet! Yes.
Anyway, dead now.
Does Amanda actually make any
money from this Senuous stuff?
Oh, God, no.
Her ex, Johnny, he covers the
mortgage and the child support.
And her aunt died a couple of
years ago and left her a bit,
but she's probably come
to the end of that now
Oh! What?
I've just found
it! Darius' Finsta!
Ha! It wasn't even that
difficult. ENGINE STARTS
HOLY CHRIST! ENGINE STALLS
What?!
It says he's in a relationship!
What does that mean?
Darius has a girlfriend.
Or boyfriend.
Who is she? I mean, it doesn't
say. How do I find her?
Or him. I've just
run out of juice.
Get me a cable. Don't just
sit there, Mal, I need juice!
All right, calm down!
Here, breathe into this.
SHE PANTS
I told you not to go there.
I've just inhaled a crisp crumb.
SHE COUGHS Sorry, oh!
ENGINE STARTS
SHE COUGHS
Ah, look at those, uh
..grassy basket
things you've made.
They're fantastic.
Shall I hang some
around your table?
Yep, but I wouldn't want them
to catch on fire, you see.
I'll be over there,
setting up. Yeah, go.
Looking good, babes.
Yep. Bring her in.
Bring her in.
Yep, Keep going.
Bring her in.
Whoa! OK, yeah.
You're grand there.
THEY LAUGH
Mal!
Still no obvious signs
of arousal or flirtation.
And a top of the morning
to you too, Anne.
I've been watching
Darius like a hawk
and I'm still none the wiser
about his secret girlfriend.
Or boyfriend. Do you know
who he's getting with, Ned?
Is it a girl at school?
Who's he shifting? Anne!
What? It only means
kissing with tongues.
Ugh!
Where shall I park, Anne,
please? Oh, right, yeah, uh
..just, uh, follow the cones
all the way down to the end
and the Under-12s'
goalie will find a space.
Hey, Amanda! Just
follow the cones down
and the Under-12s' goalie
will show you the way.
Amanda! Amanda.
Amanda!
Della, hi! Is this spot free?
No, that's the fire
break. OK, thanks.
Hi, Amanda. I'm
sorry Hi, Anne!
I'm sorry, that's not a spot.
I'll have to put you in the
overspill. No, here's great.
AMANDA COUGHS
Fi! Hiya, Mands.
Hey, kids!
Um, your parasol is
encroaching on the walkway.
Is it, though? It's a trip
hazard, and that is a naked flame.
And this whole scenario is
like the opening sequence
of an episode of Casualty.
Happy?
I'm going to check
out the stalls. OK.
Oh, Manus, nothing that won't fit
in a drawer or the bin, please!
HE WHISTLES Amanda!
Come and get your stuff!
Yeah, bring it over!
I said, come and get it!
YES! BRING IT OVER!
You getting rid
of all your crap?
I wouldn't call it crap.
But, um, yeah, as it says on my
profile, I don't amass, I eschew.
Bless you. SHE CHUCKLES
You know, I Stacey
Solomoned my basement. Oh!
I need to make room
for my new workshop.
You know, I really believe that
there is money to be made in this.
Here, for you. Ah!
Is it kindling? No.
I did a wicker weaving workshop.
Ah. I can't stop.
You've got to get into basketry,
babe. It's like pure mindfulness.
And you get a rattan
coaster at the end. Wow.
Thanks, Fi. You're
welcome. I'm sorry!
Sorry, sorry, I've not
arranged everything yet.
Could you just not touch the
I'm looking for a
hoover. Have you got one?
Do I look like I sell hoovers?
I don't think so, no.
What's this? A candle snuffer.
To snuff out candles at
the end of a dinner party.
20p? Please, move on.
We haven't even
officially opened.
SHE COUGHS
I literally owned it, then!
THEY LAUGH
Ooh! Is this a scythe?
Um, no.
God, man, you really
know your tools.
Here, I did a coffee run.
Thought you could do with a
caffeine injection. Oh, thanks, JJ.
You got a good spot? Oh, yeah.
Got here at 6am.
Had the whole car park to
myself for an hour and a half.
You would not believe how
many seagulls there are
at that time in the morning.
And this is London!
Yeah, black-headed,
not herring, but still.
How are you, JJ? Hey, Anne.
Ready to raise some
serious masticator money.
Abs has had me emptying
out the loft all week.
Oh! Are you extending up?
JJ's building me a mini gym.
Yeah, but I'll
probably eff it up!
I'm not good with my
hands, not like your dad.
Oh, yeah, you be careful.
My cousin Gerard, he fell off the
roof when he was doing our loft.
Yeah. Landed on the barbecue,
got a shashlik skewer
right through the thigh.
Missed his testicle
by a whisker.
I would recommend him
for your loft but, um,
he has flashbacks every
time he sees a ladder.
And also, he's just
moved to Canada.
Oh. Yes
AMANDA GRUNTS
Oh, come for your
high horse, Amanda?
Yes, you've done that joke, Mal.
Anne, could you give
me a hand, please?
Yeah, yeah, I'd love to.
It's just, I do need to
keep eyes on Darius, though.
Anne, leave him be! He'll
tell you when he's ready.
I told my mammy
everything. Yeah?
First period, first shift,
the time I thought I broke
my hymen on a see-saw.
If I asked Mummy
anything personal,
she just steered me to the Just
Seventeen problem page. Oh.
That's kind of sad, Amanda.
Yes, that's a bolster.
Isn't it lovely?
It matched the blinds in
my second spare bedroom.
It's, uh, silk from a kimono.
Would you take 50p? No.
Um, I was thinking more
in the region of £85.
Mummy?
What are you doing here?
Oh. I decided I needed
a clear-out after all.
How was the funeral?
It was a riot, Amanda.
No, it was bloody depressing.
I got away as soon as I could.
Just a lot of old people crying.
Oh, Mummy. Is this
still drinkable?
Oh, I wouldn't, Mum. It's
probably been in there a while.
Who's the biftek hache on bao?
Here. Yep, thank you.
Got any ketchup?
Your parasol has crept into
the thoroughfare again, Della.
Does it matter? Well, if
everyone took an extra inch,
what do you think would happen?
Nothing, Anne.
Nothing would happen.
Is there nowhere else
you can stick it?
Oh, no, there is.
PHONE CHIMES
You're fecking kidding me!
JJ HUMS TUNE
Oh, wow!
Having a good boot, Manus? Yep.
I got some loafers for
school, a burner phone.
Ooh, and
..an Eiffel Tower
snow globe for Gangan.
Ah, nice!
I used to have one
just like this.
Exactly like this, actually.
I got it off Ned's dad.
I'm Ned's dad. Oh.
Um his other dad?
THEY LAUGH
Payback. For the coffee.
Thanks, mate.
So, um, I found a
working Acorn computer,
but Abs says I'm under
strict instructions
not to bring anything home.
I think that's a brandy bottle.
Limoncello.
Oh, yeah.
That was in our hallway.
Abs wants to put up a
photo wall of the kids.
There should be a hat for this.
Oh, is that what this is?
A tiny camel hat.
You know, have it.
You know what? Take
anything you like.
We're just trying to
reclaim some loft space.
Yeah, well, think of
the space you'll save
when you get rid of this. Yeah.
Oh, Mal!
Mal. Mal, wait!
Can you open your van, because
I need to put this back in?
Do I have to lug all
your old shit home again?
Not sure there's any need to
be quite so micro-aggressive.
OK.
It's Morten Fry! What?
Why does it have to
be Fi and Della's kid?
That pair of booze pushers, they
practically alcohol-poisoned Darius
and now he's going steady
with their daughter!
Honestly, I think you
should be relieved, Anne.
I mean, at least
he's not an incel.
Can you do this? I've done a
lot of lifting today. Yeah.
Darius, he needs boundaries.
He's so suggestible.
I mean, they'll have
him ballooning crack
before he's even sat his GCSEs.
Anne, those gals are
just loosey-goosey,
that is the way they roll.
Don't be so uptight. Watch
the corners, it's an antique!
Can you lock up? Yeah.
PHONE CHIMES
Amanda, darling, can you
pass me that decanter?
I need a top-up.
Yeah, I mean, you have
the baldies and the alkies
and the fatty gammons,
that makes sense,
but slim women with
great legs, no!
This death thing is
out of control, Fi.
They're coming for
the models now.
Honestly, babe. You've
got to get into wicker.
Since I started this fruit bowl, I
haven't thought about death once.
Well, it's all I
can think about now.
I'm next on the list, I know it.
Can we please stop talking
about death, Mummy?
Yeah, let's talk about life!
I bet your mate Bunny
had a brilliant life.
What was she like? Hmm.
She was great fun, actually.
A real fixture of the scene.
I last worked with her
in '98 on a Scholl shoot.
I never understood
why she gave up.
She had a good eight years
of modelling left in her.
Ten with a decent Factor 50.
But, no, she jacked it all in
and opened a big cat sanctuary.
Oh, she had lions?
No, normal, small cats.
A big small cat sanctuary.
Oh.
Oh. That's lovely.
Gosh, you've got great taste.
Thank you.
You should follow me on the
socials. My handle's Senuous.
Sensuous?
Senuous. S-E-N-U-O-U-S.
Oh, are you an influencer?
I see myself as more of
a visual storyteller.
They're actually doing a feature
on me in SoHaHighLife next month.
Wow! A pretty big deal.
Yeah. Oh!
Love this guy. Isn't it great?
What a lot of fun.
Oh. So good, isn't it?
God, he'd look great in the
corner of my kids' bedroom.
No, it wouldn't. Um,
this is a focal piece.
You don't put horsey in the corner,
you would build a room around him.
Oh. Yeah. All right.
What would you let him go for?
Ooh Go on.
£125. Oh, OK.
Or maybe Sorry, more
probably like £500.
Please don't finger my pouffe.
Yeah, I'll have
a think about it.
Uh, Mummy, would you
keep an eye on my stuff?
And if anyone wants to buy anything,
just tell them I'll be back in a mo.
OK. You know, I'm with Bunny.
I couldn't wait to
get out of fashion.
I mean, I don't regret it,
I loved all the free shit,
but once we'd had Morten,
don't know, just didn't
have the appetite for it.
There's more to life than
clothes and after-parties.
Yeah. Is there, though?
Hi. Where's the tall, blonde
posh woman that was here?
Oh, she'll be back in a jiffy.
I was hoping to buy the horse.
Oh, God, no, go for it.
Um, what shall we say, uh, 20?
20? Seriously?
All right, um, 15.
Great!
There you go.
Lovely!
SHE GRUNTS
Ah!
I never did like that horse.
Always felt it was
looking down on me.
What's her problem?
She hates the Irish.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Mummy,
where's my high horse - my
horse horse my horse?
Well, somebody bought it.
I thought you'd be pleased,
now you're a minimalist.
What?
Who took it?
Mummy, which way did they go?
No, Darius just isn't ready,
I mean, he's only just learnt
to clip his own toenails.
Morten is going
to eat him alive!
It's fine, Anne. They'll go
out and then they'll break up
and all the keepsakes that they
collected when they were together
will end up being sold to
some stranger for a quid.
Oh, Mal, what's wrong?
Abs is Marie Kondoing
me out of her history.
That poster of the bus route
between Abs' old flat and mine.
The limoncello bottle we drank
the night I proposed to her.
This stupid money box we bought
to save up for our honeymoon,
Abs kept raiding it to buy weed.
Mal, are you still in
love with your ex-wife?
Are you mental?
Have you met her?
Do you know she has
an Uber rating of 3.6?
That's a red flag.
How much for the loppers? Um
You know what, mate? Just take
'em. I don't care any more.
Guys, have you seen my horse?
No. No.
AMANDA SIGHS
Oh, my God.
Hey!
Hey, excuse me. I'm
sorry, that's my horse.
My horse isn't for
sale. Oh! Sorry!
No, but I've actually just
bought it off your sister, so
That's my mother and she
made a mistake. I'm sorry!
Oh, bless her! But I have paid
good money for this now, so
Oh, you can absolutely
have your money back
but, please, this really
means a lot to me.
It was actually the focal point
of my old extension. Oh, sweet!
Yeah, yeah, it was, actually.
Thank you! But it's mine now.
Oh, thanks for understanding.
So if you could just get off!
You get off! Get off!
GET OFF MY HIGH HORSE!
Get off!
CAMERA SHUTTER
CLICKS Delete that!
Delete that.
SHE PANTS
I'm sorry, it's only bog roll.
I can't use that.
Give me your sleeve.
OK. You've much nicer things
than that wooden pony, Amanda.
You don't get it, Anne. You're
not a style obsessive like me.
You probably couldn't name,
like, a single interior designer.
Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen.
Exactly. Well, there's a reason
that horse was in storage for
the last three years. Yeah.
Because my ceilings
aren't high enough.
No, it's because that horse
belongs to the old Amanda.
I just don't know if I'm ready to
give up on Regency proportions.
I miss Chiswick, Anne!
Yeah, but Chiswick
doesn't deserve you.
You're the queen of SoHa now.
You're a big fish in a
..in an up-and-coming pond.
Yeah, you're the
new Amanda. Yeah.
So much bolder,
brighter, braver.
I couldn't do what you're
doing, reinventing yourself.
Yeah.
AMANDA BREATHES DEEPLY
Thanks for saying that.
You're like Madonna.
Not Madonna, Anne.
She's, like, 70.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry.
What?
ANNE GASPS
Darius!
Oh, my God.
Darius is shifting
Georgie! Oh, my God.
Oh, thank Christ
he's not with Morten!
Oh, Amanda. This is
the best thing ever!
We're practically
like in-laws now!
Yay! Aw, look. Tears of joy.
AMANDA SNIFFLES
Yo, flogged all your hoes?
Um, done all right.
People love an old tool.
Takes one to know
one. JJ CHUCKLES
No, but seriously.
Listen, this is for you.
Anne told me you were
a bit, like, cut up.
So I thought I should repatriate
these to their rightful owner.
Right. Yeah. It's really
not that big of a deal.
I get it, I do.
Abs is an amazing woman.
And after everything
that happened
I'm not quite sure what you
I just want you to know I feel
sick to my stomach about it, Mal.
No, I do, because I have
to live with the fact
that I stole another man's wife!
No, but you didn't. You
don't have to say that.
We'd been divorced for two
years before you guys even met.
Oh, will you stop
being the nice guy?
I don't deserve you.
If I could be one tenth
of the man you are.
You even give amazing hugs.
I should move my car.
But, seriously,
though thanks.
Ned! What?
That's my stuff.
Oh!
My bad. I thought
this was a bin.
HE SIGHS
Did you get your big
horse back, darling? No.
I decided to let it go. Move on.
Mal's taken the rest of my
stuff to the charity shop.
I'm fully embracing my
simpleton lifestyle.
Turn that page. Start anew.
Yeah. Leave the past behind.
My old friend Bunny
would approve.
Oh, Mummy.
But she had a great life, right?
Yeah, well, you know.
She died alone in a tiny
flat, surrounded by cats.
I told you, it was a
very depressing funeral.
But you do you, darling.
Who burnt this basket?
Oh, God.
Dels, babe.
I think I've found my calling!
Oh. I just bought it off
that bloke for a fiver!
Yep. Lovely.
Yeah! Great. I'm just going to chuck
in the back of the car, actually.
Sorry!
So, have you worked for
SoHaHighLife for long?
I'm, er, freelance.
Oh, cool.
Oh, just tuck
that Oh, behind?
Yeah.
AMANDA LAUGHS
Sorry, do you think I
could get a glass of water?
Of course, of
course. Absolutely.
I love your minimal style!
Thank you.