Anger Management s01e02 Episode Script

Okay, l'm gonna order us some drinks.
What can l get you? Anything blue.
Or yellow.
On the off chance they don't have either, is there another primary color l can get for you? Pink.
Be right back.
How's your date going? She would like a blue drink or a yellow drink or a pink drink.
You want me to put it in a sippy cup? Yeah, l should have known.
On Facebook she said she wasn't very good at conversationing.
She seems bangable, in a Megan's Law kind of a way.
Hey, she's older than she looks, and acts, and is.
-Hey! -Oh, crap.
Hey.
What are you guys doing here? We were out getting stuff to make jewelry and decided to grab something to eat.
Are you on a date? Absolutely not.
Just stopped in for a quick whiskey and Windex.
Oh, good.
Blue.
Oh, you mean a date? This is Daytona.
Daytona, this is my ex-wife, Jennifer and my daughter, Sam.
Hi.
Okay, l know l said it's a date, but it's not a date date.
lt's more like two ships passing in the night and one ship is heading to LEGOLAND.
lt's okay, Dad.
You don't have to make excuses.
You can go out with whoever you want.
No, l know, l know.
l just want you to know l don't normally date women like that.
Yes, you do.
What, what, what? How would you know? l look at your friends list on Facebook.
You let her spy on me like that? l can't help it.
She changed the password and locked me out.
l got to take a class or something.
lt's okay, Dad.
You like hotties.
lt's kind of superficial, but l still love you.
l am not superficial.
l date all kinds of women.
So it's just a coincidence they're all hotties? lt is a fundamental law of human nature that good-looking people are attracted to each other.
l'm just a tool of evolution.
This is how our species gets hotter.
Okay, now that we're all here, l thought everyone should know that we have a new member joining us today.
Her name is Mel and she should fit nicely with this group.
Finally, it'll be nice to have a girl in the group.
Hey! Patrick, why do you always take shots at Lacey? You seem to have a real resentment towards her.
She's pretty, she's rich, she's spoiled.
She's everything you want to be.
Shut up, Ed.
What Ed said.
Remember, Patrick, there is nothing more unattractive than envy.
l think envy's here.
You must be Mel.
Welcome to the group.
Sorry l'm late.
l couldn't find the house.
Then l found it.
Oh, that's it? Okay.
Everybody, this is Mel.
Mel, this is Lacey, Nolan, Patrick and Ed.
Have a seat.
Just so you know, there's no pressure to talk today.
You can just observe if you'd like.
No, l'd like to jump right in.
l like this fella.
Doesn't mess around.
Okay, Mel, you have the floor.
Well, it all started with this guy.
Of course it did.
Jerks.
Lacey, l think you're coloring this with your experience.
Her boyfriend cheated on her and she shot him.
Nolan, when Lacey is ready to tell Mel her story, l'm sure -ln the balls! -And there it is.
Go on, Mel.
Well, l met this guy.
He changed my life.
He gave me hope.
And now l'm beginning to think it was all based on a lie and l'm angry.
-Been there.
-Done that.
Me, too.
Obama.
l was so upset, l started to doubt myself.
l lost about 1 00 pounds, l had tons of cosmetic surgery.
l see why you're angry.
You're mad at your plastic surgeon.
l would sue that butcher for everything he's got.
Guys, guys, guys.
Can we please refrain from comments till Mel is done with her story? And, Mel, try to avoid pausing between sentences.
Anyway.
l lived in this little town outside Beloit, Wisconsin, and Beloit had its own Single A baseball team.
l know Beloit.
When l was a ballplayer, we used to play that team.
There was this place, Nate's.
Nate's Diner.
They had killer apple pie.
Oh, my God.
That's so funny.
l met this guy at Nate's Diner.
And he was a ballplayer, too, from the visiting team.
He told me l was the prettiest girl in the Greater Beloit area, but after we made love, l never heard from him again.
You know, now that l think about it, l don't think l ever played ball in Beloit.
Also, l'm allergic to apples.
So, that's weird.
l was okay with him not calling.
l still felt special that he picked me.
But then last year l heard about this superstition in baseball where if a player's in a hitting slump, he tries to break it by sleeping with the ugliest girl he can find.
And that naive, small-town, big-boned girl is called a slumpbuster.
Slumpbuster? Wow.
This sounds like an urban legend to me.
Like the Loch Ness Monster or Bigfoot.
Bad analogy.
Mel, have you ever considered this guy was just hot for full-figured ladies? Were you, Charlie? Or was l your slumpbuster? Who didn't see that coming? Me, up until about 30 seconds ago.
Okay, l do remember you.
But l was just a dumb ballplayer back then.
You didn't have to be a slumpbuster for me not to call you the next day.
You just had to be any woman l had sex with.
l told you, l don't care that you didn't call.
That night changed my life.
ln my town, l was known as the girl who slept with Charlie Goodson.
And l always thought of myself as the guy who slept with Mel, from that town.
lt meant everything.
Out of all the girls in the pie-eating contest that night, you picked me.
l hooked up with a hot baseball player.
Then my cousin heard about slumpbusters on a sports talk show.
l became the joke of the town.
l couldn't even look at myself in the mirror.
Yeah, l understand.
l mean, l understand.
l spent everything l had on plastic surgery and it still didn't make me feel better about myself.
But if you tell me l'm not your slumpbuster, l'll believe you.
And l can go back home and tell everybody, "Screw you, l know better.
" Mel.
Yes? You were not my slumpbuster.
l don't believe you.
l would never have done something like that just to get my batting average up.
Really? Because when we were making love, l heard you say, "l better make the Hall of Fame for this.
" Yes.
The Hall of Fame of Sex.
l meant with all the positions and the stuff.
lt was one for the ages.
You just laid there.
l was in awe! Look, look, Mel.
l didn't sleep with you because you were unattractive.
l slept with you because you were drunk and easy, and you smelled like pie.
You're just trying to sweet-talk your way out of this.
lf l were, l wouldn't be offering to have dinner with you.
-Really? -Yes.
Then, when you go home, you can be the girl who had dinner with Charlie Goodson.
Where will you take me? l could take you anywhere.
But l want this to be special.
l'm gonna make dinner for you as a guest in my home.
You'd really do that? l'd love to.
l'm a great cook.
ls there anything you can't eat? No, l'm fine with pretty much everything.
Well, all l can make is spaghetti.
Oh, okay.
l'll bring my EpiPen.
You may have to jam it in my thigh.
Until tonight.
lt's funny watching you try to cook.
Look, if you're just gonna stand there drinking beer and criticizing me, could you at least take off your top? l've seen you handle cutlery.
lf l take out the girls, you'll chop off a finger.
Just do me a favor and set the table.
Toss me that box of spaghetti.
Besides being a culinary show-off, why are you doing this? Because l feel bad.
l want to make amends for making her think that she was my slumpbuster.
-But she was, right? -Well, yeah.
But l could never tell her that.
lt would only confirm her worst feelings about herself.
So, what's the plan here? Well, l'm gonna cook her a nice dinner, and that way, when she goes home tomorrow, she'll know that l didn't use her.
But you did.
Of course.
She's the reason l got to the Majors.
And had that bout of night terrors.
You know what? l don't even know how to make spaghetti.
Just read the instructions.
There are no instructions on spaghetti.
lt's like doorknobs.
You're just supposed to know what to do.
l think you're crazy, okay? This woman has had a fantasy relationship with you for the past 1 6 years.
Now, she's tracked you down, exposed you in front of your patients.
And you're so busy trying to be a better guy, that you are cooking dinner for a stalker.
She's not a stalker.
She's just a woman with pathologically low self-esteem, obsessive fixations, and a tendency toward grandiose delusions.
Let's put the knives away.
Maybe you should call it off.
And piss off my stalker? No.
Just gonna get through this dinner as quickly as possible.
Oh, look, l found the directions.
Put pasta in boiling water.
For best results, prepare while staring at boobs.
l'm gonna need you to stand right there.
So after the lipo, the next surgery l had was the Lap-Band.
And the first meal after that was a real mess.
They tell you just to have Jell-O, but l had catfish jambalaya.
l never knew how far vomit could go.
lf l hadn't been in a crowded elevator, l think l would have broken some kind of record.
Wow, that's like three awesome surgery stories in a row.
Listen, if you're watching your weight, l can help you with that spaghetti.
Oh, no.
l'm just making it last.
l've fantasized about this date for so long, the food, the candlelight, the conversation.
Did l tell you they took off my nipples? No.
They put them back on, right? Are you flirting with me, Mr.
Goodson? No, l just want to make sure you got what you paid for.
Let me help you with that spaghetti.
Lady and the Tramp.
Lady and the Tramp.
Hey, hey, hey.
What are you guys doing here? Sam left her backpack.
What, are you on a date? l don't think it's a date, Mom.
She looks like a regular person.
Wait.
What's that supposed to mean? l go out with regular people, too.
So this is a date? -Yes.
-A date date? Yes, yes.
Wow.
Dad, l'm so proud of you.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Can we meet her? Well, you know, it's our first time together.
You understand, right, Jen? No, l'd like to meet her.
Come on, Sam.
Guys, this is Mel.
Mel, this is my ex-wife, Jen and my daughter, Sam.
Just so you know, Mel, you're dating a great guy.
Dating? Did your dad tell you that? Yeah.
Right, Dad? Yeah, l did.
Wow.
l'm just so excited.
l know.
Me, too.
Let's never lose this.
Hey, Mom, can l invite them to come over and make jewelry with us tomorrow night? -No, no, no, we wouldn't want to impose -Oh, no, l insist.
on your special night.
Of course you do.
l can't wait to learn all about what this is.
l love making jewelry.
l made tiaras for all my cats.
This is gonna be so much fun.
l'm so excited, l'm gonna bust.
l just got to go use the little girl's room.
You know, to fix my face.
Nobody? Good for you.
Look, before we begin, l want to talk about what happened yesterday.
You all witnessed what we in therapy call a train wreck.
l don't want this to distract us, so we're just gonna keep moving forward.
l have something important about my life l'd like to discuss.
Thank you.
Lacey.
How am l supposed to work through my issues with men being dicks while women are showing up in this group as a result of your past dickness? Look, like all of you, l've made mistakes.
And unfortunately yesterday one of those mistakes reared its ugly head.
Now when l say "ugly head," l'm using the term as a metaphor and not a description for that young lady.
And her ugly head.
So how did you deal with it? l talked to her and we're working on building her self-esteem.
Really? 'Cause it says on Facebook that you're dating her.
lt's radical self-esteem therapy.
You guys wouldn't understand.
You're dating your stalker? See? Other people make it work.
How could she be my stalker if l'm dating her? l mean, come on.
Think about it.
lt doesn't make sense, does it? No, of course not.
Moving on.
Her status update says she's making jewelry with you tonight and she's hoping for a ring.
Smile, winky face.
Oh, God.
All right, all right, look, look.
The lesson here, and there are many lessons.
But the headline lesson is, whatever you do, never use a slumpbuster.
l realize this doesn't apply to everybody, but for the love of God, just don't.
So, Mel, you never told us how you met my dad.
Oh, this is my favorite story.
Oh, let me tell.
You always get to tell.
Okay.
lt's really magical.
lt's like out of a movie.
We met at a diner and she was eating a pie.
Would you pass the red beads, please? Don't be shy.
lt was 1 6 years ago.
l was in a pie-eating contest and your daddy was the prize.
Wait, 1 6 years ago? That doesn't make sense.
My parents were still married.
Yes, we were.
Which is why Mel and l could only be friends.
But we had a connection that lasted all these years.
And now the universe has brought her back to me.
As ours is a relationship that knows no constraints of time nor space.
That was the beads.
They're ready to come out of the oven.
Mel, can you help me? You know, Charlie, the whole time you've been here, l haven't seen you hold Mel's hand or give her a kiss or anything.
Well, you know how new couples are.
We don't want to gross you out.
She's going to the kitchen.
Can you handle that much time and space? l know l can't.
You taste like home.
And you taste like spaghetti.
lt's the garlic.
l sweat it.
And you are making me sweat.
Hey, you guys, stay right where you are.
l want to get a picture of the two of you so l can post it on everything.
You better get into the kitchen.
l think somebody's beads are burning.
They are now.
-What the hell are you doing? -What the hell are you doing? Look, l'm in trouble, okay? Mel was a slumpbuster from Beloit and now she thinks we're dating.
l mean, it's a long story.
Actually, that's the entire story.
l knew it.
You're using that woman to make your daughter think you're not superficial.
l know.
l just need you to help me through the next hour.
Get her back to the hotel, put her on a flight tomorrow, and this whole thing will be over.
She's happy, Sam's happy, and you and l will have a fun little secret.
-Like on our honeymoon when you let me -That never happened.
l'm so sorry, Charlie.
l feel so bad.
My tongue swells when l have an allergic reaction.
l completely forgot Peanut M&Ms have peanuts.
Shouldn't we get you to an ER or something? No, no.
l just left my EpiPen in the kitchen.
Okay, but hurry.
We've got to get you back to the hotel.
Hey, it looks like Jen already got that photo uploaded.
Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, Flickr, and the website of the American Psychological Association.
Hey, Charlie.
l found it.
Can you come stick it in me? Hey, Charlie.
Wait a minute, you weren't having an allergic reaction.
You were They do good work in Wisconsin.
l'm a sexy ghost.
That's not why l'm doing this.
This can't happen.
Of course it can.
Or do you need to take a pill or something? No.
No, l'm very sorry.
l just thought we had a great night once and that this could be the start of something bigger and more beautiful.
Well You just made the next thing l'm about to say very difficult.
We're not really dating, are we? No.
l was your slumpbuster, wasn't l? Yes.
And l am very, very sorry.
Why didn't you just tell me? l didn't want you to think that way about yourself, because that's not how l think of you.
To me, you'll always be that pie-eating champion who could raise a naked man clean over her head.
l don't believe this.
l spent all this time and money making my body look like this and you still don't want to make love to me.
That would have been wrong.
That's the old me.
Now what am l gonna do? Look at me.
l'm too hot to even be a slumpbuster.
No, you're not.
Okay, l can't win that one.
Look, you are still the same confident, amazing person you were when you thought you were just a hot one-night stand.
-Bet l could still lift you over my head.
-Yes.
Yes, that's the confidence that's in you, no matter what l did.
That's not just some nipple you can take off and put back on.
That's forever.
Hey.
You ready? Oh, softball time, right.
Yes, l am ready to go.
Sam, you wearing your cup? Are we gonna do this every single time? You can just say you wanted a boy.
Actually, l wanted a dog.
But the landlord wanted a $1 00 deposit, so here you are.
Could you give Sam and l a minute? l want to clear up a few things about Mel.
Oh, it's okay, Dad.
Mom already told me.
-She did? -Yeah.
How you wanted a deeper, more meaningful relationship and Mel just wanted to sleep with you.
How many times is this gonna happen to me? lt's okay, Dad.
Now, come on, we're gonna be late.
That's my boy.
-That was amazing.
-You're welcome.
You know, you make a much better ex-wife than you ever did a wife.
-l figured you got the message.
-l did.
-Hey, could you do me another favor? -What? l need you to take Sam for the weekend.
Why? Where are you going? Beloit.
l'm gonna walk up and down every street holding hands with Mel for all of her friends to see.
After everything you did, that's all she wants from you? Small town, small victories.
By the way, you can also thank me for being so cool.
That's the first woman l met that you slept with while you were on the road.
Hey, l slept with her for us.
That was to break my slump, so we could make the big leagues.
Really? What about that girl Diane from San Diego? Oh, that was for me.
And a little bit for Diane.